Part 1
In Ranod Zetratam's house.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, guys, do you want any chocolate?"
W0nders: "Nah."
Sebastian: "I'm afraid not."
Stargelman: "Not today."
Creeper: "Someone is going to have to eat it. Sinder, how about you and me?"
Sinder Velvin: "Alright."
Meanwhile, somewhere in Finland, currently known as Mordor, in Santa Claus' dark castle.
Witch King of Angmar: "How powerful is the poison, my master?"
Santa Claus: "Quite powerful. People who consume it feel just fine for half an hour, after which the speed with which they do anything is drastically reduced. Then they become very dizzy. And then they die. Sometimes the poison takes effect even sooner than that."
Witch King of Angmar: "Could someone resist the poison's effects?"
Santa Claus: "Theoretically, no. All who have been poisoned with this have died gruesome deaths."
During this time, on Fargoth's starship.
Darth Fargoth: "Now that I have so many player characters on my side, I am completely immune to clichC3A9s. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "But do you really need so many player characters?"
Darth Fargoth: "I don't need them. But they will help me eliminate Sinder Velvin and his allies! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "The moderators will certainly be useful, deity Fargoth."
Darth Homie: "Deity Fargoth!? You homies been smokin' some weed or wha'?"
Darth Bosmer: "Slash said that he would bow down before Fargoth if Fargoth managed to make the moderators join him."
Darth Bob: "When are we going to see some action, my dark lord?"
Darth Homie: "Yeah, dog. When are we gonna whup that Dark Elf's spotted owl?"
Darth Fargoth: "I am afraid that you are not going to get to fight Sinder Velvin because I would rather fight him myself. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "So... We aren't going to see any action soon?"
Darth Fargoth: "No. I'll deal with Sinder Velvin myself, while the player characters on my side will defeat the player characters on his side. You see, the player characters are expendable, while you are not. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bosmer: "Where's the fun in that?"
Darth Fargoth: "I'll let you fight Rafharheraf and the Nerevarine. (c) Muahahahaha! That way we can avoid clichC3A9s. Now, I have a surprise for you."
Darth Slash: "Surprise, my deity?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes. Because I believe that numerical superiority is a great advantage, I now have four more apprentices. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "I thought there were already too many of us, my deity."
Darth Fargoth: "There can never be too many Sith, Darth Slash. (c) Muahahahaha! Now, let me introduce Darth Buccaneer to you. Curtains up!"
The curtains were raised and a man with an eyepatch appeared.
Darth Buccaneer: "Aye, shipmates! We shall sail an' plunder th' se'en seas together! Booty an' loot, give me a boot!"
Darth Slash: "I don't know if I should cry or laugh."
Darth Buccaneer: "Ye don't know who ye're talkin' t', ye scurvy dog. Ye had better learn some respect!"
Darth Slash: "Right..."
Darth Buccaneer: "Arrr!"
Darth Fargoth: "It is now time to introduce the evil Darth British to you! (c) Muahahahaha! Curtains up, please."
The curtains were raised and a man dressed just in the United Kingdom's flag appeared.
Darth British: "God save the queen!"
Darth Slash: "Oh, please..."
Darth Fargoth: "Also, say hello to Darth Mudcrab! (c) Muahahahaha!"
The curtains were raised and a mudcrab appeared.
Darth Fargoth: "Hello, Darth Mudcrab!"
One minute later.
Darth Fargoth: "I said 'hello, Darth Mudcrab'."
One minute later.
Darth Fargoth: "Aren't you going to say hello to me?"
One minute later.
Darth Fargoth: "Say 'hello', please. You don't want to be rude. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "I'm not sure that he can talk."
Darth Fargoth: "Nonsense."
Darth Bob: "But, seriously now..."
Darth Fargoth: "Hello, Darth Mudcrab!"
One minute later.
Darth Fargoth: "H-E-L-L-O, D-A-R-T-H M-U-D-C-R-A-B!"
Darth Bob: "I mean, mudcrabs can't talk."
Talking Mudcrab Merchant: "Yah, tell that to your momma!"
Darth Bob: "What the?"
Darth Slash: "Deity Fargoth, this is getting nowhere fast."
Darth Fargoth: "I'm sure that he's just shy."
Darth Buccaneer: "He's shy because he's a bilge rat, he be!"
Darth Fargoth: "I'm going to introduce the 9th Sith to you now. He is an evil bastard with scumbag tendencies and he's very mean. Let me introduce Darth Jackson, initially known as Michael Jackson, to you. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Jackson appeared and started singing.
Darth Jackson: "Billie jean is not my lover
SheE28099s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son.
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son."
Darth Slash: "YOU'RE GOING TOO FAR WITH THIS, DEITY FARGOTH!"
Darth Bob: "I quit!"
Darth Homie: "Dog, you ain't right in da head."
Suddenly, Darth Jackson's nose fell.
Darth Jackson: "Oh, muffins."
He picked up his nose and ran away.
Darth Bob: "Phew."
Darth Fargoth: "I guess we need a replacement. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Why did you want more Sith anyway?"
Darth Fargoth: "I like numerical superiority. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "I thought you had enough minions."
Darth Fargoth: "Even more can't hurt anyone but my enemies! (c) Muahahahaha!"
During this time, while looking for me and Creeper, the Nerevarine had finnaly reached Zar's castle. He knocked at the gate.
Zar's Guard 1: "Who is it?"
The Nerevarine: "Your worst nightmare."
Zar's Guard 1: "Yeah, nice try, buddy. Look, I'm not going to let some stranger just barge in here."
The Nerevarine: "Fine, fine. I'll just leave."
Zar's Guard 1: "You do that. I really want no trouble."
Meanwhile, in Ranod Zetratam's house, me and Creeper had finished eating the chocolate.
Creeper: "That was delicious!"
Sinder Velvin: "I'm the player, so I wouldn't know about the taste of the stuff in the game."
Ranod Zetratam: "Now is the time for you to face your destiny, Sinder Velvin. It is time to face your greatest enemy, the archvillain of this world: Darth Fargoth."
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, the time has come. Creeper, Sebastian, Stargelman and W0nders, let us make haste."
Ranod Zetratam: "Good luck, Sinder Velvin. The fate of all of Tamriel rests on your shoulders. Should you fail in your holy quest, it is possible that this very universe will fade from existance."
Sinder Velvin: "Thank you for your help, Ranod."
Ranod Zetratam: "Helping you has been a pleasure, Sinder Velvin. Now, do not waste any more time. The enemy grows stronger with each passing moment."
Stargelman: "Let's go, Sinder."
Five minutes later, the Nerevarine knocked on the gate of Zar's castle once again.
Zar's Guard 1: "Who is it?"
The Nerevarine: "Pizza delivery."
Zar's Guard 1: "Oooh, pizza! Nice. But I'm not sure if my master ordered this pizza."
The Nerevarine: "Would I bring you pizza if nobody ordered it?"
Zar's Guard 1: "Would you? Hey, your voice sounds a lot like the voice of that guy/gal who came here five minutes ago and knocked on the gate."
The Nerevarine: "I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about. I'm just a pizza delivery guy/gal."
Zar's Guard 1: "Of course. I believe you."
The guard opened the gate for the Nerevarine.
Zar's Guard 1: "Hmm... Why are you transparent?"
The Nerevarine: "Birth defect."
Zar's Guard 1: "Ok. Now go and take this pizza to my master. You can find him in the nearest circular room."
The Nerevarine: "Gotcha."
Meanwhile, in Fargoth's starship's prison.
Aglarin: "Damn Breton!"
Darth Daedra: "I hate you, Alexander."
Alexander: "I'm not that fond of you either you know."
Darth Daedra: "Everything was just perfect... Until you had to ruin things. Why couldn't you just stay put?"
Alexander: "Because I don't want to help you, I'm here to destroy you."
Aglarin: "And how do you intend to destroy us, huh?"
Alexander: "Well, with my witty remarks, of course. How else?"
Darth Daedra: "Aglarin, between you and me, I wonder who hates him more."
Aglarin: "If you want to kill him as much as I do, I guess it's a tie."
Alexander: "Why don't you both try it? Aglarin, you should stand to my right, and Darth should stand to my left. And then you could both shoot flames at me at the same time."
Darth Daedra: "Presumably is going to kill you for this!"
Alexander: "Why? Can't you do it? And where is he anyway?"
Darth Daedra: "I can't do it myself because I'm behind these bars, damn it! Anyway, I bet Presumably will send an assassin after you really soon. And I bet Presumably will be really angry when he/she/it hears that you called him/her/it a 'he'!"
Alexander: "If he/she/it has a problem with it, I don't seem to be going anywhere at the moment, so he/she/it can come and get me here."
Aglarin: "Oh, you can bet that an agent of his/her/it will try to kill you really soon."
Darth Buccaneer came in the prison.
Darth Buccaneer: "I've come t' clist this prison, flithy landlubbers. An' that means killin' each o' ye! Fer starters, I'm gonna take th' Bosmer gal an' th' Dremora an' make them walk th' plank. I'll kill th' Breton later. An' I bet I'll be havin' a lot o' fun wi' him."
Aglarin: "You're going to kill us?"<.p>
Darth Buccaneer: "Arrr, that's exactly what I'm goin' t' do wi' ye, lily livered scallywags! All th' minions o' th' enemies o' me captain, Darth Fargoth, be havin' t' die! Arrr!"
Darth Daedra: "At least Alexander is going to die as well."
Alexander: "It's good that you're an optimist. But if I were you, I wouldn't get my hopes up."
During this time, in Rafharheraf's tower.
Rafharheraf: "You will obey me, the One. You will obey me or you will perish."
Chuck: "Master, this guy is basically a god. Why would he obey you?"
Rafharheraf: "Because I used my skill with necromancy to change the code that powers him. This has greatly reduced his powers, and he is no longer godlike now, but the good side is that he has to obey me. If he doesn't, I can always destroy him."
Chuck: "Is he powerful enough to defeat Darth Fargoth?"
Rafharheraf: "While he cannot use the TES Construction Set to manipulate things anymore, he still has the same abilities that Neo from the Matrix series had."
Chuck: "Matrix Revolutions sucked."
The One: "Can I kill Chuck?"
Rafharheraf: "No, the One, you may not."
Chuck: "So the One can fly and use slow motion and stuff, right?"
Rafharheraf: "That is correct. He can defeat Fargoth, Presumably, the Nerevarine and Sinder Velvin easily."
Chuck: "This is so cool! But, just so you know, Animatrix sucked as well."
The One: "Just tell me when I can kill Chuck."
Rafharheraf: "Not just yet, the One."
The One: "I can wait."
Meanwhile, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Read the manual."
Crassius Curio: "Ok, sweetie. Hmm... 'First of all, never try to use this machinery without a manual.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "I wonder if Rafharheraf had a manual."
Crassius Curio: "I don't think so. Computers were very hard to obtain back then. Not to mention the fact that almost nobody had an internet connection..."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Keep reading."
Crassius Curio: "Alright. 'Second of all, you really ought to push the green button three times in a row, the yellow button five times in a row and the red button two times in a row in this order. Before you attempt to do this, make sure that you also press the reset button once. Why press the reset button, you ask? Well, Sheogorath knows what kind of strange combinations you've done lately...'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Sheogorath knows!?"
Crassius Curio: "The author of that manual probably felt that mentioning God would have been against the lore."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "I see."
Crassius Curio: "'After you do that, push the lever sideways.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "How the heck are we supposed to push the lever sideways!? It can only be moved in only two directions!"
Crassius Curio: "'If you can't push the lever sideways, you need to buy a better lever. Buy one from our company now, for just 9.99$! And yes, the $ symbol stands for Septim.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "You've got to be kidding me."
Crassius Curio: "'Yes, I was joking.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "That's good to hear..."
Crassius Curio: "'I was joking about it costing 9.99$. It actually costs 10.99$.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Oh, crap."
Crassius Curio: "I guess we're just going to have to buy that damn lever. Go start up Windows XP Cyrodiil Edition."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Alright..."
Meanwhile, in the town that was nearest to where I was, in the Villains Anonymous building.
Teacher: "Hello, fellow villains."
Grundrunt: "Hello."
Prororortina: "Hi."
Bavaot: "Greetings."
Teacher: "We're all here because we share a common problem: we're villains. Now, is being a villain fun?"
Ion Iliescu: "It can be."
Corneliu Vadim Tudor: "As long as you're president of something."
Teacher: "Anyway, we're all here to learn how to control our villainish feelings."
Nazton: "But why are we all here? Because some guards want to re-educate us?"
Teacher: "And a bunch of politicians as well."
Ion Iliescu: "I are not among them."
Trensin: "Ion Iliescu, your English... Uh... I mean 'Cyrodiilic' is not too good."
Ion Iliescu: "You is lying."
Trensin: "Sure..."
Grundrunt: "Who's Ion Iliescu anyway?"
Corneliu Vadim Tudor: "A former president of Romania. I tried to become president myself, but I failed."
Ion Iliescu: "I won because you is loser!"
Corneliu Vadim Tudor: "Don't make me kick your spotted owl."
Nazton: "Back to the topic, are any of us succesful villains?"
One minute passed with complete silence.
Nazton: "Yeah, I thought so."
Teacher: "What is your point?"
Nazton: "My point is that being a villain is great, as long as you're succesful. And now I want to become a succesful villain more than ever before."
Nazton left the building.
Ion Iliescu: "I answer would have, but not understand question."
Corneliu Vadim Tudor: "Like usual."
Meanwhile, me and my merry band were wandering aimlessly through Cyrodiil.
Sinder Velvin: "I hope Darth Fargoth attacks us soon. Just remember: when he tries to attack us, run."
Sebastian: "If you don't want us to get hurt, why are you taking us with you anyway?"
Sinder Velvin: "Because, if you were to become separated from me, you would certainly be captured by one of my enemies. Hmm... It's been a while since you've left your computers. Are you... Ok?"
Stargelman: "No."
Sinder Velvin: "Okay..."
Two minutes later, on Fargoth's starship.
Darth Fargoth: "I've found the perfect Sith to replace Darth Jackson! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "I'm curious who you've found this time."
Darth Fargoth: "Raise the curtains! (c) Muahahahaha!"
The curtains were raised and the Sith saw a potato.
Darth Slash: "A POTATO!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Darth Fargoth: "Not just any potato. Darth Potato! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Homie: "There's some strange muffins happenin' on this turf, dogs."
Darth British: "Crackers. Why didn't you just find a brolly?"
Darth Bosmer: "What's a brolly?"
Darth Fargoth: "Seeing as Darth British is British, I bet that brolly is a British word."
Darth British: "What is it, Darth Bosmer? Have you been living in a shieling all your live?"
Darth Bosmer: "Heck, I have absolutely no idea what a shieling is. I've never heard that word before in my life!"
Darth British: "You haven't had any sundowners lately, have you?"
Darth Bosmer: "I have absolutely no idea what a sundowner is, either."
Darth British: "Jolly. You're a gaby, aren't you, knacker?"
One minute passed.
Darth British: "You look as if you saw a stockjobber."
Darth Bosmer: "I think we need a translator."
Darth Bob: "Master, don't you think that the potato is a little bit... Static?"
Darth Fargoth: "What are you saying? (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "Perhaps someone with a little bit of agility would be more useful. I suggest that you find a replacement for the potato."
Darth Fargoth: "And what am I supposed to do with Darth Potato?"
Darth Bob: "We could always eat him."
Darth Fargoth: "Are you a cannibal?"
Darth Bob: "No."
Darth Fargoth: "Then why do you want to eat a fellow Sith?"
Darth Slash: "He's just a potato, damn it!"
Darth Fargoth: "But he's still one of us. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Not if I eat him."
Darth Slash used the force to bring the potato to him.
Darth Fargoth: "What do you think you're doing? (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "I challenge this potato to a duel! If he wants to keep his honor, he had better accept!"
Darth Fargoth: "Do you accept, Darth Potato?"
One minute passed.
Darth Fargoth: "He did not say anything, so he probably doesn't agree. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "He's a coward! Coward!"
Darth Fargoth: "Hmm... I don't tolerate cowardice."
Darth Slash: "Yeah, you don't!"
Darth Fargoth: "Darth Potato, fight Darth Slash! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "Then let the greatest battle of our times begin!"
The great battle began. The potato managed to dodge Darth Slash's attacks valiantly (if rolling on the floor can be called dodging), but the great warrior potato was eventually defeated.
Darth Slash: "Victory!"
Darth Fargoth: "You won, Darth Slash. (c) Muahahahaha! But I told you that the potato wasn't static! He did move..."
Darth Slash: "He started rolling after I pulled him with the force..."
Darth Bosmer: "'He'? Isn't a potato an 'it'?"
Darth Fargoth: "A normal potato, yes. But this was a special potato. The greatest potato the world had ever seen! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "He died in battle, so he died an honorable death, Fargoth."
Darth Fargoth: "True. (c) Muahahahaha! Anyway, that was one courageous potato."
Darth Slash: "You're going to find a replacement, aren't you?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes, Darth Slash. We really need another Sith. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "Let's pray for a Sith that is actually dangerous, unlike Darth Jackson and Darth Potato..."
Meanwhile, in Zar's castle, the Nerevarine stepped in the circular room where Zar spent most of his time and was currently located.
The Nerevarine: "Pizza delivery."
Zar: "Oh, the famous Nerevarine has finnaly decided to grace me with his/her presence."
The Nerevarine: "So you know how I am."
Zar: "Of course. Why did you get here so late?"
The Nerevarine: "Uh... I was delayed by the traffic."
Zar: "I am afraid that your friends are already dead."
The Nerevarine: "You can't kill Sinder Velvin."
Zar: "I can't? Why not?"
The Nerevarine: "He is protected by clichC3A9s the same way that I was protected by prophecy a while ago."
Zar: "That's what you think. But even clichC3A9s can be defeated if you're original enough. Anyway, what are you going to do now?"
The Nerevarine: "I was going to try to save my friends. But now that I know that they're safe, I'm going to kill you."
Zar: "I don't think you'll have a lot of success with that. I am very well guarded."
The Nerevarine: "We'll see about that."
The Nerevarine took out his/her sword and approached Zar.
Zar: "GUARDS!!!!"
Three guards appeared and knocked down the Nerevarine.
The Nerevarine: "Ouch."
Zar's Guard 2: "We're professional wrestlers, you know."
Zar: "Guards, throw him/her in prison."
Zar's Guard 3: "Sure thing."
Meanwhile, in the town that was nearest to where I was, Nazton went to his headquarters: his parents' stable.
Nazton: "Hello, evil minions."
Nazton's Evil Minion 1: "Hi, boss."
Nazton's Evil Minion 2: "Urgh."
Nazton: "You still want to be my evil minions, right?"
Nazton's Evil Minion 1: "Yep."
Nazton's Evil Minion 2: "Urgh."
Nazton: "Great. But I need an advisor. Any idea where to look for one?"
Nazton's Evil Minion 1: "You could always look for ads in the paper."
Nazton's Evil Minion 2: "Urgh."
Nazton: "Excellent idea!"
During this time, Darth Buccaneer came to Fargoth's starship's prison.
Darth Buccaneer: "Greetings, laddie. I just wanted t' let ye know that th' Dremora swabbie an' th' Bosmer witch be dead. Ye'll follow soon, but because ye helped me captain, Darth Fargoth, in capturin' Presumably's spies, ye get t' be havin' a last wish. An' we'll give ye half an hour t' enjoy yer last wish. So, laddie, what's yer last wish?"
Alexander: "My last wish, eh? Well, then, I wish for a giant sack of gummy bears."
Darth Buccaneer: "Alstarboard, laddie. I'll return wi' yer sack o' gummy bears soon. But soon after that I'll make ye walk th' plank, arrr!"
Meanwhile, in a building in the Imperial City...
Ri'Paw: "Ri'Paw has sent Khajiiti to take the moon sugar from Sinder Velvin."
M'Oderator: "M'Oderator is happy to hear this, but M'Orderator must chase S'Pammer. M'Oderator will go now."
Ri'Paw: "Ri'Paw says goodbye and good luck to M'Oderator."
During this time, me and my merry band were walking through a forest, when a group of Khajiiti approached us.
M'Urderer: "M'Urderer says hello to Sinder Velvin and his friends."
Sinder Velvin: "Uh... Hello."
Ra'Nger: "Ra'Nger is sorry for Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "Why are you sorry for me?"
J'Oker: "J'Oker and Ra'Nger are sorry that they are going to have to kill Sinder Velvin."
Ra'Nger: "Very sorry."
Ma'Ttress: "Ma'Ttress is sorry as well."
Sinder Velvin: "Why do you want to kill me?"
J'Oker: "J'Oker's friends want your moon sugar."
Sinder Velvin: "But I have no moon sugar."
M'Urderer: "M'Urderer knew that Sinder Velvin was going to say something like that!"
Sinder Velvin: "I really don't have any. And I'm not sure that you can defeat me. There's just ten of you."
Ra'Nsomer: "Ra'Nsomer thinks that you have not seen the thirty Khajiiti that are hiding behind those trees. Khajiiti, come out of your hiding places."
Thirty Khajiiti came out of their hiding places.
M'Artyr: "M'Artyr says hello to Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "Maybe you're forgetting that I am currently one of the greatest wizards in Tamriel."
M'Aybe: "No, M'Aybe is not forgetting anything."
Sinder Velvin: "Uh..."
M'Urderer: "Enough talk! M'Urderer doesn't care if Sinder Velvin is one of the greatest wizards in Tamriel! M'Urderer has brought an even greater wizard to defeat Sinder Velvin!"
Stargelman: "Bring 'im on. I've handled dying hard drives and broken ethernet switches, I think I can handle a wizard."
Sinder Velvin: "I don't want you to get hurt, Stargelman. I'll handle him/her, whoever he/she is."
Stargelman: "You're right, I'm too important to die. Hahaha. C'mon pal, let's do this thing!"
M'Urderer: "The great wizard is an Alfiq!"
An Alfiq teleported itself in front of M'Urderer.
Stargelman: "Awwwww... How cute! I'm taking you home with me!"
Stargelman approached the Alfiq...
Sinder Velvin: "Stargelman, no!"
The Alfiq used a paralyze spell on Stargelman.
Creeper: "People ought to take these kitties seriously."
I used a spell to free Stargelman from the Alfiq's spell, after which the other Khajiiti approached us.
Ra'Nger: "Prepare to die."
Sinder Velvin: "Oh, crap. How the hell are we going to get out of this one?"
W0nders: "Huh? Aren't you some sort of powerful wizard, Sinder?"
Sinder Velvin: "I am. But these guys have an Alfiq!"
Ra'Nger: "DIE!"
The Khajiiti all started running towards us.
Sinder Velvin: "Look! A giant rat!"
They stopped.
J'Apanese: "Where?"
Sinder Velvin: "On that mountain over there!"
Alfiq: "Meow!"
They all started running towards the mountain.
Sebastian: "Great."
W0nders: "Wa-hey! There they go!"
Sinder Velvin: "They'll be back. So start running!"
We started running. Five minutes later, in Fargoth's starship's prison, Darth Buccaneer had returned with a huge sack of gummy bears.
Darth Buccaneer: "Greetings, laddie. I've brought yer treasured gummy bears, but, just so ye know, ye be havin' half an hour before yer execution."
Alexander: "Only half an hour? But then I won't be able to finish my bears."
Darth Buccaneer: "Ye had better hurry, because that's all ye get. An' now, here's yer candy."
Three seconds later, in Nightmare's lair.
Nightmare's Evil Minion: "My lord, our sensors detect that the word 'candy' was spoken some kilometers to the east!"
Five seconds passed.
Nightmare's Evil Minion: "Uh... My lord?"
Nightmare had known that the word "candy" had been spoken before his minion had even thought of telling him. Using his infinite desire for candy, he used his inhuman speed to reach Darth Fargoth's starship in mere seconds. Once he had reached the starship (which was still docked somewhere in Cyrodiil), he used his powers to materialize from the shadows in the starship's prison. Darth Buccaneer had already left the chamber and locked the door behind him. As soon as Nightmare materialized in the prison, the lights went off. The dark being approached Alexander's cell while breathing loudly.
Alexander: "Who is there?"
Nightmare continued to approach.
Alexander: "What do you want with me? Say something!"
Ten seconds passed with complete silence.
Nightmare: "You musst die!"
Alexander: "Oh... No..."
The dark creature came and grabbed the bars of Alexander's cell and started pulling them wildly.
Alexander: "Who... Who.. Who are... You? What... What... Do you want to ki... Kill me for?"
Suddenly, Nightmare started burning with an incredibly powerful flame and he spoke with a voice not of this world.
Nightmare: "SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET CAAAAAAAAAAAAANDDDYYYY!"
He then continued to pull the bars of Alexander's cell with an inhuman strength, deforming them and almost breaking them.
Alexander: "Oh no... Not the bears..."
Nightmare stopped and stared at Alexander with his fiery eyes. Alexander was very scared.
Alexander: "If you must... Here, take them!"
Alexander threw the bag to Nightmare through a hole in the bars, after which Nightmare grabbed the bag, stopped burning, ran towards a wall and basically went through it, leaving a hole in the wall. Soon after, the bars of Alexander's cell collapsed, and he escaped from the starship by jumping through the hole left by Nightmare. Shortly after, Darth Buccaneer returned to the prison.
Darth Buccaneer: "What's wi' all this noise!?"
He looked around the prison.
Darth Buccaneer: "Holy rum! How th' hell was he able t' do this!?"
Meanwhile, in the town that was nearest to where I was.
Nazton: "Greetings, Miss Terlana."
Miss Terlana: "Hello, Nazton."
Nazton: "You are here for the job interview, yes?"
Miss Terlana: "That is true."
Nazton: "Could you tell me a bit about yourself?"
Miss Terlana: "Well, I have a degree in Advanced Villainy and I can help you build your own evil empire from scratch. And I can also help you avoid absolutely all clichC3A9s. Also, I will work for you for free, but once you get your evil empire up and running, I expect a huge monthly payment."
Nazton: "In that case... You're hired!"
Miss Terlana: "Good. Let me just get my suitcase and we can begin immediately."
Terlana left the chamber.
Nazton: "She's hot, isn't she?"
Nazton's Evil Minion 1: "Yep."
Nazton's Evil Minion 2: "Urgh."
Five minutes later, me and my merry band were walking through the forest, hoping that the Khajiiti had lost our tracks, when we saw them in the distance.
Sinder Velvin: "Start running again!"
We started running again, but, while we were running, my fatigue suddenly dropped and I fell to the ground.
Sebastian: "What's going on?"
That's when Creeper fell to the ground as well.
Sinder Velvin: "I don't know. My fatigue suddenly dropped. But keep running!"
I tried to get back up, but I fell again.
Creeper: "What's going on!?"
Sinder Velvin: "I haven't got a clue."
Creeper: "I feel numb."
After many tries, I was finnaly able to get back on my feet. Suddenly, however, an Argonian assassin dressed in Dark Brotherhood clothes appeared in front of me.
Sinder Velvin: "Hello. Who are you?"
He did not reply, but instead took out a dart and hit me in the neck with it. My health and fatigue both started dropping very fast.
Murders-For-Money: "The dart that has just hit you is one of the most poisonous darts in all of Tamriel. Legends say that it can even kill a god in the right circumstances. In several seconds, you will crumble to the grounds."
Five seconds later, I crumbled to the ground. However, I quickly healed myself several times and I stood up again.
Murders-For-Money: "You are just delaying the poison's effects. There is no way that you can survive it."
Creeper: "Boss, I've got a feeling that you've been poisoned twice. Once now, and once earlier. Since I was also apparently poisoned earlier."
Sinder Velvin: "Who are you, Argonian?"
Murders-For-Money: "I am the greatest assassin in all of Tamriel. I have never failed a single assignment. And now that you have no hope of survival, I shall kill your friend as well."
The Argonian assassin took out his sword, a Daedric katana, and approached Creeper, prepared to kill the scamp. Despite the fact that I had been poisoned twice, and was incredibly weakened, I cast a powerful fireball spell at Murders-For-Money. He dodged the spell and then threw himself at me. I tried to punch him, but he grabbed my neck and prepared to cut it, but Creeper pushed him and stopped him from killing me. That's when Murders-For-Money took out another Daedric katana, and dual-wielded the two katanas. He tried to behead us, but I managed to dodge his hit. Creeper, however, was not so lucky. While Creeper was not beheaded, he was stabbed in the torso. He fell to the ground...
Sinder Velvin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Enraged, I used all my skill in combat to disarm the assassin. His two katanas fell to the ground. I took one of them, while he took the other, and, although I was greatly weakened, I fought him... And perhaps sheer will was what made me survive. Initially, I tried to attack him, but he dodged each of my attacks. He was much faster than me, and he did not move when he fought; he danced. While we were fighting and I was nearly defeated, the Khajiiti came.
M'Aybe: "Ballet!"
Seeing the Khajiiti, Murders-For-Money thought of them as a threat, so he attacked them. I took advantage of the fact that he wasn't paying attention to me by stabbing him in the back. When I stabbed him, he turned around and he kicked me. I attacked him, and once again we fought. The Khajiiti fled, and I and the Argonian continued fighting. Eventually, we approached a cliff. While fighting near the cliff, the poision took its full toll on me. My fatigue dropped to zero. Murders-For-Money took advantage of this and stabbed me in the torso, after which he kicked me. I fell off the cliff, from a great height... And I lost consciousness. A short while after that, the Khajiiti captured Creeper. Meanwhile, on Fargoth's starship.
Darth Fargoth: "I've found someone who will be a perfect 9th Sith! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Let me guess... After Darth Potato, we'll get Darth Tomato, right?"
Darth Fargoth: "No. I present Six-Arms, a very tall and very intelligent humanoid monster with six arms and brown skin! (c) Muahahahaha! Raise the curtains, please."
The curtains were raised.
Darth Homie: "This homie looks cool."
Darth Pirate: "He looks like a brave landlubber!"
Darth Slash: "Not bad. Looks very dangerous."
Six-Arms: "I am quite dangerous, to tell you the truth. And intelligent, many say. Some have called me the 'humanoid monster poet'."
Darth Fargoth: "How would you like to be called as a Sith, Six-Arms?"
Six-Arms: "Hmm... Darth Poet."
Darth Fargoth: "Great! Now, I must go and capture Sinder Velvin and his friends! (c) Muahahahaha!"
During this time, in the town that was nearest to where I was.
Miss Terlana: "First of all, in order to have a succesful evil empire, you need a lot of money."
Nazton: "How much?"
Miss Terlana: "Perhaps about 400.000 gold."
Nazton: Where the hell am I going to find so much gold?"
Miss Terlana: "I have the Gold Radar here that will help me find this exact sum nearby. Just give me a minute."
One minute passed.
Miss Terlana: "There appears to be a man called Ranod Zetratam who lives right outside the city gates who has this exact sum. You're going to have to kill him to get the sum."
Nazton: "Can't I just beat him up and take the money?"
Miss Terlana: "What kind of evil villain would you be in that case?"
Nazton: "Fine, I'll kill him."
Five minutes later, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Crassius Curio: "Hmm... The lever got here pretty fast, don't you think?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "We had to pay much more than we were supposed to in order to get it here so fast."
Crassius Curio: "True. But conquering the world can't wait, sweetie."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "I guess you have a point. Now, let me destory that old lever and put in the new lever."
He destroyed the old lever and replaced it with the new lever.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Read the manual and see what it says next."
Crassius Curio: "'Thanks for buying our lever. We really appreciate it. Now, just so you know, you can't push this lever sideways. We just wanted to make you buy it because we're starving out here. I mean, almost nobody buys manuals for Dwemer machinery nowadays.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "DAMN THOSE BASTARDS!"
Crassius Curio: "'Please push and pull the lever three times. This will make turn everyone that comes out of the portal made by the machinery into your minions. Most n00bs don't know this, so most of the stuff that they summon up just attacks them or ignores them altogether.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Push and pull the lever three times..."
Crassius pushed and pulled the lever three times.
Crassius Curio: "'Now you have to choose where the portal will show up. If you want it to show up in the same chamber that the machinery is in, press the orange button. If not, use the telescope to point at where you want the portal to show up and then press the purple button seven times in a row while dancing on a white carpet while drinking fifty cups of tea all at once while wearing pink pijamas and while watching the Silence of The Lambs on two TVs simultaneously.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "I guess we'll have to choose the first option, then."
Crassius Curio: "'In order to choose who you want to come to this universe, you need to write their names on pieces of wood that you must place between the generators of the Dwemer machinery. The universe they're from doesn't matter; just write their names. If more than one characters from other universes have the same name, the more popular character will be summoned. To summon anybody whose name you've written on pieces of wood that you've placed between the generators, do seven consecutive pushups while holding a candle in one hand and a stack of asparagus in the other hand and then speak aloud the name of the person or creature that you want to summon. You could also just speak aloud the name of that person or creature from the very beginning, but we really want you to buy candles from our sponsors, (c) Lighting Your Way and (c) Stacking Asparagus.'"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "The person who wrote that manual is starting to get on my nerves."
Crassius Curio: "Let's do what the manual says. Just without the candles and the asparagus."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "But how will we know who to summon?"
Crassius Curio: "'You could always just press the black button and get a couple of randomly chosen characters'."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Sounds good. Let's do it."
Crassius pressed the black button and a magical portal suddenly appeared in the room.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "I wonder who or what will come out."
One minute later, Gandalf from The Lord of The Rings came out of the portal.
Crassius Curio: "Good morning!"
Gandalf: "What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is morning to be good on?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "All of them at once."
Soon afterwards, Ganondorf from the Legend of Zelda series appeared.
Ganondorf: "I am really evil."
Right after that, Spiderman appeared.
Spiderman: "My spidey sense is tingling!"
A few seconds later, the Terminator from Terminator 1 appeared.
The Terminator: "I said I'd be back."
Shortly after, Bugs Bunny appeared.
Bugs Bunny: "What's up, duck?"
And right after that, Austin Powers appeared as well.
Austin Powers: "Groovy, baby!"
Crassius Curio: "Sweetie, do you think these will suffice?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Yes."
During this time, Nazton had gone outside the town and entered Ranod Zetratam's house.
Nazton: "Greetings, old man."
Ranod Zetratam: "Hello. I did not see you come in."
Nazton: "Can I please kill you?"
Ranod Zetratam: "No."
Nazton: "Thanks anyway."
Nazton left the building. Miss Terlana was waiting outside.
Miss Terlana: "You didn't kill him, did you?"
Nazton: "Uh... No."
Miss Terlana: "You need to get in there and kill him if you want his gold."
Nazton: "Fine, fine..."
Nazton went back in the house.
Ranod Zetratam: "Back so soon?"
Nazton: "I really have to kill you. No hard feelings, yes?"
Ranod Zetratam: "What experience level are you at?"
Nazton: "Uh... 5."
Ranod Zetratam: "Not high enough to defeat me, I'm afraid. Now, go back where you came from."
Nazton: "I'll take my chances."
Nazton attacked the wizard, but Ranod started hurling fireballs at him. In order to survive, Nazton had to quickly leave the wizard's dwelling.
Miss Terlana: "He isn't dead, is he?"
Nazton: "He is too powerful."
Miss Terlana: "In that case, take this experimental weapon called 'The Secondary Plot Character Exterminator' and use it on him. Just so you know, this going to cost a lot of money."
Nazton: "Fine, give me the weapon..."
Two minutes later, in front of Fargoth's starship.
Darth Fargoth: "Wait right here, my friends. We will start looking for our vile enemies very soon. But first I need to talk to some friends of mine. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Dagoth Lich: "Don't keep me waiting. I want to kill something already."
Shardie: "You need to try out your level 600 character, yes?"
Dagoth Lich: "But of course. I need to bring terror into the hearts of these foolish mortals."
Darth Fargoth: "I'll be right back. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth entered his starship and went to the sealed room where Archeopterix and Freddo were being held.
Archeopterix: "Did you convince Anghardel, Dagoth Lich, HappyAdolf and Shardie to join you as well?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes, I did. Now that I have so many players on my side, I cannot be defeated by clichC3A9s! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Freddo: "But... Why would they join you?"
Darth Fargoth: "They believe that this is just an innocent multiplayer deathmatch. I'm also using a few jedi mind tricks on them to make sure that they have no doubts. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Archeopterix: "Wait a minute, here. Anghardel should be wise enough to see the truth."
Darth Fargoth: "He does have a lot of willpower, that one. He didn't want to play at all. But I used very powerful mind tricks on him to make him see things my way. To make him evil. To remove the goodness from his soul. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Freddo: "If you can do that to Anghardel, you are truly dangerous..."
Darth Fargoth: "I had to use a lot of my powers, so I feel slightly drained. But I am certain that he will be very useful. (c) Muahahahaha! Now, I need you two to help me find Sinder Velvin and his friends. Do not disappoint me. Remember, I still have the chicken and the CDs."
Freddo: "Fine... We'll use our moderator powers to help you track them down."
Darth Fargoth: "Excellent. Excellent. (c) Muahahahaha!"
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter