Part 2
In a tavern in the Imperial City...
Zar's Captain: "Hello, bounty hunter. My lord would like to hire you for a job."
Murders-For-Money: "Name and location."
Zar's Captain: "Your target's name is Sinder Velvin and he is heading towards this town."
The captain took out a map and showed the Argonian the town to which I was headed.
Murders-For-Money: "How much money?"
Zar's Captain: "Quite a lot..."
During this time, in Rafharheraf's tower.
Secret Spy: "Bob, may I speak with you for a moment?"
Bob: "Yes, Secret Spy. Go ahead."
Secret Spy: "Are you a Star Wars fan?"
Bob: "I am a huge Star Wars fan, to tell you the truth."
Secret Spy: "Are you good at necromancy?"
Bob: "Yes."
Secret Spy: "How do you feel about Darth Fargoth?"
Bob: "I've considered joining him. But that would be unfair towards Rafharheraf... However, I bet that if a secret spy of Fargoth's asked me to join him, I would."
Secret Spy: "What if I told you that I am a secret spy of Fargoth's that wants you to join him?"
Bob: "I wouldn't believe you."
Secret Spy: "What the hell is wrong with people here!?"
Bob: "I heard that two secret spies of Fargoth were executed yesterday. If they would have asked me to joined their master, I might have agreed. But now that they're dead..."
Secret Spy: "But I was actually Fargoth's secret spy."
Bob: "Oh, come on. You don't actually expect me to believe that?"
Secret Spy: "Hmm... Bob, would you like to come with me to a really nice city? It's pretty far from here, so that's why I need company."
Bob: "Alright. Just let me tell my lord, Rafharheraf, that I am leaving."
Secret Spy: "You don't need to do that. I've already told him. He didn't mind at all."
Bob: "In that case, let's go."
Secret Spy: "Just wondering... Why did you agree to come with me immediately?"
Bob: "Because we're friends. And you need help, don't you?"
Secret Spy: "Yeah."
Meanwhile, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Crassius Curio: "What does this red button do?"
Crassius pressed a button.
Crassius Curio: "And what does this lever do, I wonder?"
He pulled a lever.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "I don't think anything changed."
One minute later, somewhere.
Indiana Jones: "Hello there."
Wolverine: "Where did you come from? Cyclops, do you know this guy?"
Cyclops: "Nope. Never seen him before in my life."
During this time, somewhere in Faerun.
Jon Irenicus: "What is that creature?"
Bodhi: "No idea."
Pikachu: "Pikachu."
Jon Irenicus: "It can talk!?"
Bodhi: "Perhaps it is a child of Bhaal."
Somewhere in Britannia.
Lord British: "I hope that you shall be able to defeat him once again."
Avatar: "I'll do my best."
Max Payne: "Did I get drunk last night? Otherwise, I can't explain how I got here."
Avatar: "Who the hell is that guy?"
Lord British: "Good question. Who are you?"
During this time, on Enterprise.
Picard: "It's the borg again."
James Bond: "Don't worry. I can take them on."
During this time, in Sigil...
The Nameless One: "I can't remember my name."
Morpheus: "That doesn't matter. All that matters to me is that you are the One."
The Nameless One: "I'm not the One. I'm the Nameless One."
Morpheus: "Same thing. So, blue pill or red pill? You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."
The Nameless One: "What's a rabbit?"
Morte: "Maybe it's one of those creatures in the Lower Planes, chief."
One minute later, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Crassius Curio: "I don't see any visible effects."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Maybe we should buy a manual from E-bay."
Crassius Curio: "Shouldn't we try on Amazon first?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "It's worth a try, I guess."
Meanwhile, in Ranod Zetratam's home.
Ranod Zetratam: "You are now healed."
W0nders: "Cheers, mate."
Sebastian: "Thanks."
Ranod Zetratam: "Now that your companion is healed, what are you going to do, Sinder Velvin?"
Sinder Velvin: "I'm going to try to find a way to defeat Fargoth and rescue Alexander."
Ranod Zetratam: "How will you defeat Fargoth?"
Sinder Velvin: "I really haven't got a clue. I guess that I'll start by looking for a very powerful weapon."
Ranod Zetratam: "But lightsabers can cut through anything except other lightsabers. There is no weapon in Cyrodiil that you can use against him."
Sinder Velvin: "In that case, we are doomed."
Ranod Zetratam: "No. There is one way to defeat your greatest foe."
Sinder Velvin: "How?"
Ranod Zetratam: "Embrace your destiny, Sinder Velvin. Become that which you were meant to be. Use your magic skills against Fargoth."
Sinder Velvin: "Still, I'd rather..."
Ranod Zetratam: "Think about it. In melee, he is invincible. But with magic, you could defeat him."
Sinder Velvin: "But he can use the force."
Ranod Zetratam: "But at least that way the odds are even."
Sinder Velvin: "I am not a very good spellcaster. I gained all my levels of experience by practicing my combat skills. My magic skills are as powerful as those of a level 2 Wizard."
Ranod Zetratam: "And, yet, you managed to defeat those storm troopers just by magic."
Sinder Velvin: "How... How do you know that?"
Ranod Zetratam: "I know many things, Sinder Velvin. About you, about your fate as the player and the ultimate hero of the game. You are strong, but the evil doers of Cyrodiil are stronger. If you embrace the art of magic once again, you shall be unstoppable."
Sinder Velvin: "But how did you know?"
Ranod Zetratam: "An orb of seeing, my dear Dark Elf. I have tracked your journey all along. I know your potential."
Sinder Velvin: "Alright... I have potential. I could easily increase my magic skills. However, it would still take too long. So long that my friends would die of starvation before my magic skills would be powerful enough to challenge the Bosmer."
Ranod Zetratam: "I can train your skills. Time will pass in the game world, but not in the real world."
Sinder Velvin: "I'd need to pay, though. And there's nothing that you can do about that, seeing as it's hardcoded into the game."
Ranod Zetratam: "If you want to gain money very quickly, you should go to the nearest town and do a couple of quests. I am sure that you will gain enough money for me to be able to train you enough."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, I'll do it. Just one question, though: are there orbs of seeing in the Elder Scrolls?"
Ranod Zetratam: "Alright, I'll admit! I've been spying on you with a satellite."
Sinder Velvin: "Satellite!?"
Ranod Zetratam: "Sinder Velvin, you must go now. The fate of your friends and the fate of all of Tamriel rests in your hands."
Sinder Velvin: "I shall return once I have enough gold."
Ranod Zetratam: "Good luck and swift journey."
That's when we went to the nearest town. Meanwhile, in front of Fargoth's starship, which was docked somewhere in Cyrodiil.
Bob: "This isn't a city, Secret Spy. This is the Dark Lord of the Sith's starship."
Secret Spy: "Yes, it is. I brought you here to show you that I am, in fact, a secr-"
Darth Slash came out of the starship.
Darth Slash: "Greetings, Bob. Have you come to join my master, the great Darth Fargoth?"
Bob: "I am a huge Star Wars fan, so yes, I will join him. However, please do not hurt my friend, Secret Spy. He is completely innocent and knows nothing about the ways of evil."
Secret Spy: "But I'm a secret spy of Fargoth's!"
Bob: "This is no time for jokes, Secret Spy! You must run before they hurt you!"
Secret Spy: "You've got to be kidding me."
Five minutes later, we had reached the nearest town.
Sebastian: "We're finnaly here."
Stargelman: "I don't think you're going to get enough gold just from a couple of quests, Sinder."
Sinder Velvin: "I can try."
We walked a bit around the town, after which Stargelman saw Nazton's advertisment.
Stargelman: "Hahahahaha!"
I approached an NPC.
Sinder Velvin: "Hi there. Got any quests for a player?"
Townsperson 1: "Quests!? For a player!?"
Townsperson 2: "Was that the player asking for a quest!?"
Townsperson 1: "What kind of quest do you want, player?"
Sinder Velvin: "Preferably with a gigantic pay."
Townsperson 1: "A gigantic pay, huh? Did you guys hear this player? He wants a quest with a gigantic pay! How much, player?"
Sinder Velvin: "About 100.000 gold should be enough."
Townsperson 1: "100.000 GOLD!?"
Townsperson 3: "100.000 GOLD!?"
Townsperson 1: "I will not let myself be mocked by scum like you."
He turned towards a group of people.
Townsperson 1: "Fellow NPCs, please gather around!"
They gathered around.
Townsperson 1: "The time has come to abandon this way of living. Our single point in life right now is to give quests to the player. Nothing less, nothing more. And, wherever the player goes, danger comes. How many times have the enemies of Sinder Velvin attacked our town? And why, you ask? Because Sinder Velvin exists. If there would be no good guy, there would be no bad guys. It's all his fault!"
Townsperson 4: "Aye! It's the damn player's fault!"
Townsperson 5: "What do you suggest that we do, then?"
Townsperson 1: "The only way to change ourselves is to change our natures. From neutral NPCs I suggest that we become villains! As villains, we will be able to forge our own fates. Nobody will be able to tell us what to do."
Townsperson 6: "Hail the rebel NPC!"
Townsperson 7: "Hail!"
Townsperson 1: "Join me, my brothers, and we shall not have to bow to anyone ever again!"
Townsperson 8: "Yes, I shall join you."
Townsperson 3: "I shall join you."
Townsperson 2: "If the player suffers, I shall join you."
Townsperson 6: "I shall join you."
Townsperson 7: "Me too."
Townsperson 9: "I shall join you as well."
Nazton: "Heck, if everybody becomes a villain, I'm not going to have any success!"
Eventually, almost the entire town had joined that one rebel NPC who, like Fargoth, had learned how to rebel against the system.
Guard 1: "Those NPCs are rebelling!"
Guard 2: "That's bad."
Guard 3: "Well, you know what guards do when non-guard NPCs rebel."
Guard 4: "Yeah. We kick their spotted owls."
Guard 5: "What are you waiting for? Let's bring order and discipline back to the town."
The townspeople wanted to kill me.
Townsperson 1: "You are going to die, Sinder Velvin."
Guard 3: "You are going to get your spotted owls kicked, rebel NPCs."
The townspeople started fighting the guards.
Stargelman: "Didn't Todd Howard say that there would be no situations like this one?"
Sinder Velvin: "He said that guards wouldn't fight other guards. He said nothing about guards not fighting townspeople. By the way, now that there's nobody to maintain order and discipline, how about we go to the nearest smithy and get some weapons... For free?"
Creeper: "Boss, you mean... Steal them?"
Sinder Velvin: "From a certain point of view, yes."
W0nders: "Sounds good. But I'm getting a sword."
Meanwhile, on Fargoth's starship.
Darth Slash: "Hello, my dark lord. I have brought to you one that knows necromancy."
Secret Spy: "I managed to convince him to join you."
Darth Fargoth: "Good work, both of you."
Bob: "Both of you? Who's both?"
Darth Slash: "Me and Secret Spy the secret spy."
Bob: "He's a secret spy!?"
Secret Spy: "That's what I've been trying to tell you all along."
Bob: "This comes as a great shock to me."
Secret Spy: "Sorry."
Darth Fargoth: "Now, what is your name, my young new apprentice? (c) Muahahahaha!"
Bob: "Young apprentice?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes. Wouldn't you like to become my apprentice?"
Darth Slash: "Don't you already have me as an apprentice?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes, I do."
Darth Slash: "Can the Dark Lord of the Sith have more than one apprentice?"
Darth Fargoth: "Normally, no. But I'm the boss, so I make the rules. (c) Muahahahaha! Now, what was your name?"
Bob: "Bob. My name is Bob."
Darth Fargoth: "Wow... That's an evil name. When you become a Sith, would you like to choose another name? Or would you like to be called Darth Bob? (c) Muahahahaha!"
Bob: "I can choose?"
Darth Slash: "That's what I asked him. Normally, Sith choose a different name, but he's the boss, so he makes the rules."
Darth Fargoth: "Yes, you can choose."
Darth Bob: "Cool. In that case, I want to be called 'Darth Bob'!"
Darth Fargoth: "Very well, Darth Bob. Say, that's an evil name. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Quite."
Darth Fargoth: "Darth Bob, could you please help me resurrect my clone?"
Darth Bob: "That depends. Is its body still intact?"
Darth Fargoth: "I think it faded away with time. Corpses disappear after a couple of days."
Darth Bob: "Do you know his ID tag?"
Darth Fargoth: "It couldn't have been 'Fargoth', seeing as I'm 'Fargoth'. It must have been... '_Fargoth'!"
Darth Bob: "Let me give it a shot."
Darth Fargoth: "But... Won't he become undead?"
Darth Bob: "No, he'll be very much alive. I'm not turning him into an undead, mind you. I'm actually resurrecting him. But this is going to cost a lot of magicka... Could you bring me several magicka potions?"
Darth Slash: "I'll go and get them."
Darth Bob: "Just so you know, it will take time to resurrect him. I'll do a ritual now and a ritual later."
Darth Fargoth: "I can wait. (c) Muahahahaha! Oh, Darth Bob, do you know how to use the force?"
Darth Bob: "Not yet. But you'll teach me, won't you?"
Darth Fargoth: "Of course I will. With my help, you will become the strongest Sith in the galaxy! (c) Muahahahaha! Next to me and Darth Slash, though."
Darth Bob: "That's good anyway."
We went to the nearest smithy and took the best swords. There was no one there to stop us from arming ourselves.
W0nders: "Yay! I have a sword!"
Sinder Velvin: "Hopefully, you won't have to use it."
We then went to the bank that was in the town. We disguised ourselves first, of course.
Sinder Velvin: "This is a holdup."
Banker: "Oh, come on. Give me a break."
W0nders: "The money or your life. Heh... I've always wanted to say that."
Banker: "How much money do you want?"
Sinder Velvin: "All of it."
Banker: "Damn."
He took eight large bags of gold.
Banker: "Here you go... Argh."
Sinder Velvin: "Thanks."
Banker: "Nasty thieves."
We left the bank and went to Ranod Zetratam's house. Meanwhile, the townspeople and the guards kept fighting. During this time, on Fargoth's starship.
Officer 3: "My lord, you have a visitor."
Darth Fargoth: "A visitor?"
Officer 3: "Yes. A female Bosmer with a child."
Darth Fargoth: "I wonder who it could be. Well, let her in! (c) Muahahahaha!"
A female Bosmer entered the chamber.
Darth Fargoth: "Hello."
Aglarin: "Hello, you son of a noble seamstress. I've finnaly managed to find you, you bastard."
Darth Fargoth: "Slow down, lady. Why are you insulting me?"
Aglarin: "Because you've abandoned me!"
Darth Fargoth: "I have?"
Aglarin: "Yes, you ugly bastard. Me and this child."
Darth Fargoth: "What about the child?"
Aglarin: "It's your son, you ugly bastard! This child is your son!"
Darth Fargoth: "No, it's not. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Aglarin: "I've taken a DNA test already. And it says that you're the child's father."
Darth Fargoth: "Proof, please. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Aglarin showed Fargoth the results of the DNA test.
Darth Fargoth: "But... But... How... How is this possible!? I don't even know you!"
Aglarin: "Maybe you don't remember me, you badminton athlete."
Darth Fargoth: "Please don't use any censored words anymore!"
Aglarin: "Anyway, since this child is yours, you're going to take care of him. You haven't paid any child support, so, if you don't agree to raise him with me, I'm gonna sue your spotted owl and get half your Galactic Empire!"
Darth Fargoth: "You can do that?"
Aglarin: "I sure can."
Darth Fargoth: "Please don't sue me."
An officer approached.
Officer 3: "My lord, you have yet another visitor."
Darth Fargoth: "Who is it now? Not another unexpected surprise, I hope."
Officer 3: "It is a Dremora who once worked for Presumably, but has now betrayed him/her/it. The Dremora knows absolutely anything about Presumably's plans and he is willing to share everything that he knows with you. In exchange, he wants to become a Sith."
Darth Fargoth: "Let him in."
A Dremora approached.
Dremora 2: "Greetings, my lord."
Darth Fargoth: "You want to become a Sith?"
Dremora 2: "Sure."
Darth Fargoth: "Ok, you're a Sith now. Enjoy."
Darth Daedra: "My name will be Darth Daedra! Erm... Why are you so downcast, my lord?"
Darth Fargoth: "Law problems."
Darth Daedra: "I am sorry, my lord. But when shall I begin my training as a Sith?"
Darth Fargoth: "Soon enough, my evil apprentice."
The Dremora left the chamber.
Darth Fargoth: "What is your name?"
Aglarin: "Aglarin."
Darth Fargoth: "What, exactly, do you want from me?"
Aglarin: "I want all the people here to treat me as if I was your queen. I want everything that I desire. And I want you to leave this universe. There's a big war in it and I don't want me or my kid to live in such a dangerous place."
Darth Fargoth: "We're perfectly safe on this starship."
Aglarin: "I don't care. I don't want to be here. Move back to the Star Wars universe. Or else, I'll sue you!"
Darth Fargoth: "Fine, fine. But, just a question: how did it happen?"
Aglarin: "You know... We had both graduated and we were both a little drunk... And I had lost my glasses, so I couldn't see your ugly mug very well. Those things combined led to a very unpleasant night that we spent together."
Darth Fargoth: "And I can't remember any of that?"
Aglarin: "You were REALLY drunk."
Darth Fargoth: "Erm..."
Meanwhile, in Rafharheraf's tower.
Wizard 6: "My lord, your apprentice Bob has joined Darth Fargoth!"
Rafharheraf: "I know... He is a traitor. Don't worry, though... I'll find a replacement eventually."
A bit later, in Ranod Zetratam's house.
Sinder Velvin: "I managed to get about 400.000 gold pieces as a reward from quests."
Ranod Zetratam: "That's quite a lot. How did you manage to get so much?"
Creeper: "He can be very persuasive when he wants to be."
Sinder Velvin: "Now I'm going to invest all this gold into magic training. Expect a lot of ingame hours to pass."
Meanwhile, on Fargoth's starship, Aglarin took a cellphone and called Presumably.
Aglarin: "Everything is going according to schedule."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Excellent. I was pretty upset when I found out that Fargoth already had an apprentice, but when I found out that he got another one, I realized that there was no limit to how many apprentices he could have. If Fargoth wants to take any DNA tests, make sure that the Dremora modifies the results. And thanks for making Fargoth leave Nirn."
Aglarin: "No problem."
Twenty ingame hours later, Fargoth had left Nirn and had returned to the Star Wars universe.
Darth Fargoth: "Bleh... It's going to be much harder to kill Sinder Velvin, Rafharheraf and the Nerevarine now."
Darth Bob: "Probably."
Darth Slash: "I still can't understand how you impregnated her."
Darth Fargoth: "What's so strange about that!?"
Darth Slash: "I was under the impression that you don't like women too much."
Darth Fargoth: "Are you saying that I am homos-"
Darth Slash: "You did have a relationship with Palpatine."
Darth Bob: "True."
Darth Fargoth: "I am bisexual."
Darth Bob: "Uh..."
Darth Fargoth: "Anyway, I don't think that the child is mine. Another DNA test is required!"
Five ingame hours later, Darth Daedra went and modified the test's results. Five hours later...
Darth Fargoth: "The DNA test still says the same damn thing!"
Darth Slash: "Maybe what you did back when you were younger was just an accident..."
Darth Fargoth: "I still think I would have remembered. Ah, well, another DNA test is required!"
Five ingame hours, Darth Daedra once again modified the results. Five hours later...
Darth Fargoth: "Still the same result!"
Darth Bob: "I think you're just going to have to live with it."
Darth Fargoth: "No! Yet another DNA test..."
Five hours later, Darth Daedra was about to modify the test's results when he entered Alexander's cell.
Darth Daedra: "Who the hell are you?"
Alexander: "Me?"
Darth Daedra: "You."
Alexander: "I'm Alexander. Who the hell are you?"
Darth Daedra: "I'm a Dremora... Say, how do you feel about Fargoth?"
Alexander: "Fargoth... Isn't that the funny little man at the start of Morrowind?"
Darth Daedra: "He is your captor. What did he want with you?"
Alexander: "I don't know, he didn't say."
Darth Daedra: "He didn't?"
Alexander: "No, he just locked me up and forced me to watch reruns of the Bold and The Beautiful."
Darth Daedra: "That wasn't too pleasant, was it?"
Alexander: "No... The horror! I still have nightmares from that time..."
Darth Daedra: "In that case, would you like to help me against Fargoth?"
Alexander: "How do I know that you aren't some evil henchman of Fargoth's?"
Darth Daedra: "Well, thing is, he thinks that I'm a henchman of his, but I'm just a spy."
Alexander: "For whom?"
Darth Daedra: "I don't think you have ever heard of him/her/it."
Alexander: "Oh, for the presumably final boss?"
Darth Daedra: "Uh... I have no idea what you're talking about."
Alexander: "Of course. But, in any case, what's the plan? Or is there even a plan?"
Darth Daedra: "Another spy managed to make Fargoth return to the Star Wars universe. Me and that other spy want to return to the universe of Nirn while making sure that Fargoth can never return there. We could use your help in something."
Alexander: "What can I do?"
Darth Daedra: "As you might know, there are a lot of clichC3A9s in this situation, and they dictate that me and the other spy will get caught. You, on the other hand, are a player, so you are not subject to clichC3A9s. Because you're a player, you can't die. That's what clichC3A9s say. We could use your help in distracting the guards' attention."
Alexander: "Well, what do you expect me to do? Walk up to them and ask them for a light? I don't even smoke!"
Darth Daedra: "Just go to them and ask them to kill you or something."
Alexander: "Kill me? Are you mad?"
Darth Daedra: "Don't you understand that you, as a player, cannot die!?"
Alexander: "And what if the rules have changed? And if I accidentally did die, what then?"
Darth Daedra: "Sorry, not my problem. But I think that you would rather distract the guards than sit here and rot in this cell."
Alexander: "Well... Ok then. If you insist, I will try to distract them."
Darth Daedra released Alexander from his cell, after which they went to the chamber that contained the DNA test results. Because Alexander didn't want to be used by Darth Daedra, he triggered an alarm.
Darth Daedra: "What!? Why did you do that!?"
Alexander: "I didn't want to be used by you."
Darth Daedra: "I'm an apprentice of Fargoth's. I'll say that I caught you in the act of modifying the documents and he'll believe me!"
Alexander: "Not if I take the documents and bring them to him!"
Alexander grabbed the documents and started running. The Dremora followed him. Eventually, Alexander entered the room in which Fargoth was standing.
Darth Fargoth: "The prisoner has escaped. He must be punished! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Alexander: "Wait a minute! That Dremora not only released me, but he tried to modify the DNA test results as well!"
Darth Daedra: "It's not true!"
Alexander: "He's a minion of Presumably's! And there's yet another secret spy in your midst!"
Secret Spy: "Not me, of course."
Darth Fargoth: "The documents that you carry... Are they the modified versions?"
Alexander: "No, the original versions."
Darth Fargoth: "Could you please show me?"
Alexander: "Sure."
Alexander gave Fargoth the unaltered documents.
Darth Fargoth: "So that is NOT my child!"
Aglarin: "I can explain everything."
Darth Fargoth: "I don't need any explanations. Darth Slash and Darth Bob, throw them in prison! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Alexander: "Now that I've helped you, will you please release me and my friends from your evil jedi mind tricks?"
Darth Fargoth: "Thanks, but no. Slash and Bob, put Alexander in prison as well! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Alexander: "Damn you!"
Five ingame hours later.
Doctor: "It would appear that the child actually belongs to Gaenor."
Darth Fargoth: "Gaenor!? But isn't he homosexual?"
Darth Slash: "If I may comment, I believe that too many drinks can change anyone's sexual orientation. But that could have happened with you as well, master."
Darth Fargoth: "WHAT!? Don't you understand that I am not a fa-"
Darth Bob: "'Goth' appears to be a suffix for male Bosmer names."
Darth Fargoth: "Also, I am not g-"
Darth Bob: "Gaenor does not have this suffix, however. I wonder why."
Darth Slash: "Maybe he isn't a goth!"
Darth Bob: "Hahahahaha!"
Darth Fargoth: "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am bisexual!"
Darth Slash: "Aren't you going to return to Nirn now, master?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes, I am. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Five ingame hours later.
Darth Fargoth: "Have you resurrected the other Fargoth yet?"
Darth Bob: "He'll be alive and kicking in an hour."
Meanwhile, in Presumably's lair.
Dremora 1: "Boss, your spies have failed. A servant of Fargoth by the name of Alexander has singlehandedly ruined your plans."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Alexander, is it!? If any of my Daedra ever encounter him, I want him to be slaughtered! No mercy for Alexander!"
Dremora 1: "He shall die. There can be no doubt about that."
Meanwhile, in Rafharheraf's tower.
Rafharheraf: "You want to be my evil apprentice?"
Chuck: "Yeah."
Rafharheraf: "What's your name?"
Chuck: "My name is Chuck."
Rafharheraf: "I shall need your help in resurrecting the only being that can beat Fargoth now."
Chuck: "What being?"
Rafharheraf: "The One."
Chuck: "Don't you need an artifact of necromantic power to resurrect the One?"
Rafharheraf: "I have such an artifact."
Chuck: "What artifact?"
Rafharheraf: "The Necronomicon."
Chuck: "Cool."
One ingame hour later.
Darth Bob: "He is alive!"
Darth Fargoth: "Greetings, brother. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth: "Hello... You look just like me."
Darth Fargoth: "Two Fargoths were added to the game Oblivion. I was added by the developers through an easter egg and I gradually became more and more powerful. You were added by a modder, but you were killed by that damn player Sinder Velvin soon after your birth. Now I have had you resurrected because I want you to help me kill my enemies. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth: "Do I get to be a Sith as well?"
Darth Fargoth: "Yes. But, because there can be only one Darth Fargoth, you shall be called Darth Bosmer! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bosmer: "That's cool with me."
Darth Fargoth: "It is!? You don't look a lot like me."
Darth Bosmer: "How come?"
Darth Fargoth: "If I were you, I would not have agreed to be lower in rank! I would have wanted to be the boss!"
Darth Bosmer: "I know when I'm outnumbered, brother."
Darth Fargoth: "Ah... So you are wise. Now you look just like me! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "You wish."
Five ingame hours later, Fargoth had returned to the world of Nirn.
Darth Fargoth: "It's good to be back. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "What are your evil plans right now, master?"
Darth Fargoth: "I want... A theme song!"
Darth Bob: "Who's going to make a theme song for you?"
Darth Bosmer: "I have an idea."
Five ingame hours later.
Coolio: "What's up, dog?"
Darth Fargoth: "Hello, Coolio. My brother tells me that you can make a suitable theme song for me. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "I would have really preferred Eminem or 50 Cent."
Darth Bosmer: "I still think that Coolio is perfect for my brother."
Coolio: "Do I get to be a Sith?"
Darth Fargoth: "Sure. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Homie: "Here's what. I'd really dig it if my name was Darth Homie."
Darth Fargoth: "Alright, your name as a Sith shall be Darth Homie."
Darth Homie: "Cool, homies."
Darth Bob: "When will the theme song be done?"
Darth Homie: "Well, I'm gonna take some of my songs and change the lyrics a bit. I'll have something for you in 24 hours."
An ingame day later.
Darth Fargoth: "Do you have anything yet, Darth Homie?"
Darth Homie: "I managed to come up with the song 'I Am A Dead Sith Walking With A Life In The Bosmer's Paradise And I'll Kill You When You Get There'."
Darth Bob: "That's a long title."
Darth Homie: "As I walk through the valley of Zenimax, Beth
I take a look at you and realize that you don't know the alphabet
Cause you've been fightin' and killing so long that
Even your friends thinks that your wizardry is gone.
And here's the situation
I was born in a Dark Elf nation
And now I'm living in a Bosmer's paradise
Living in a Bosmer's paradise.
So I'll kill you when you get there
If you ever get there
Kill you when you get there.
I'll kill you when you get there
If you ever get there
Kill you when you get there.
This is the ballad of another dead Sith walking."
Darth Slash: "You took all your great songs, took a couple of sentences from each, changed some words and then mixed them."
Darth Homie: "Yes, homie."
Darth Slash: "Cool."
Ten hours later.
Darth Fargoth: "It is now time to discuss my evil plans. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "I'm listening, master."
Darth Bob: "Tell me."
Darth Bosmer: "Go ahead."
Darth Homie: "Talk, dog."
Darth Fargoth: "Until now, we haven't had a specific target. We're trying to kill Rafharheraf, Sinder Velvin and the Nerevarine, but we're not focusing on killing any of them. I suggest that we focus on killing Sinder Velvin first! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "He's the player, though. Clich�s say that he is unkillable."
Darth Fargoth: "He can be killed, but he is very, very lucky. And he's very hard to track. If I knew where he was, I could easily kill him by myself. Hmm... I know how to find him. (c) Muahahahaha! (c) Muahahahaha! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bosmer: "How?"
Darth Fargoth: "A moderator could find anything. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "But where are you going to find a moderator now? All the Elder Scrolls fans throughout the world are playing Oblivion right now."
Darth Fargoth: "I know two moderators that place their duties above everything else. Archeopterix and Freddo. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "They are incorruptible. It is impossible to make them join you, my master... Throughout the ages, all who have tried to make those two moderators join them have failed. Even you have failed, master. It cannot be done."
Darth Fargoth: "You are wrong, Darth Slash. They shall join me or suffer! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Bob: "I'm fine with hurting a player... But hurting a moderator? That's just cruel."
Darth Fargoth: "But of course. I am the cruelest Bosmer the world has ever seen! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Master, if you can do this... Then I shall bow down before you as if you were a god. For I believe that only a god could ever succeed in this endeavor."
Darth Fargoth: "(c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Fargoth went to his state-of-the-art computer, started up mIRC and then joined the server irc.chatspike.net. He then joined the channel #elderscrolls.
Session Start (megumi.chatspike.net:#elderscrolls): Thu Jan 10 15:40:19 2007
*** Now talking in #elderscrolls.
*** Topic of #elderscrolls: Official Unofficial Elder Scrolls Channel- Warez are bad, mkay? Elder Scrolls official website is at: www.elderscrolls.com. Test your knowledge in #ESTrivia!
*** Set by Archie 210 minutes ago
*** Users on #elderscrolls: @Archie @Freddo Shardie HappyAdolf @Stephen Dagoth_Lich
*** End of /NAMES list.
*** Mode for channel #elderscrolls is "+ntr"
*** Channel #elderscrolls was created at Fri Oct 29 00:03:45 2004
Session Close (#elderscrolls): Thu Jan 10 15:46:11 2007
Darth Fargoth joined the channel #evilbusiness, which he had founded a day earlier.
Session Start (megumi.chatspike.net:#evilbusiness): Thu Jan 10 15:47:01 2007
*** Now talking in #evilbusiness.
*** Topic of #evilbusiness: We talk about really evil business here.
*** Set by Darth_Fargoth 504 minutes ago
*** Users on #elderscrolls: Freddo Dagoth_Lich Stephen Shardie Archie
*** End of /NAMES list.
*** Mode for channel #evilbusiness is "+ntr"
*** Mode change "+oq Darth_Fargoth Darth_Fargoth" for channel #evilbusiness by ChanServ.
*** Channel #evilbusiness was created at Tue Jan 9 20:31:32 2007
*** HappyAdolf has joined #evilbusiness.
* Dagoth_Lich tests his new skeletons
*** Stephen has been kicked off channel #evilbusiness by Darth_Fargoth (Do not return to my evil realm!)
*** Dagoth_Lich has been kicked off channel #evilbusiness by Darth_Fargoth (You are evil, but I am the evilest!)
*** Shardie has been kicked off channel #evilbusiness by Darth_Fargoth (There are no kitty demons here!)
*** HappyAdolf has been kicked off channel #evilbusiness by Darth_Fargoth (Bosmer mocker!)
* Darth_Fargoth takes out his lightsaber and brings it close to the chicken
* Darth_Fargoth prepares to destroy the chicken
* Darth_Fargoth takes out lighter
* Darth_Fargoth prepares to burn the two CDs
* Darth_Fargoth takes the lighter closer to the two CDs
After that, on #elderscrolls.
*** Signoff: Archie ((CS) Quit: the fate of Elder Scrolls fans rests in our hands)
*** Signoff: Freddo ((CS) Quit: We must save them.)
*** Darth_Fargoth (DarthFargoth@ChatSpike-L12PQ123.emperor.death.star.sith.sw) has joined channel #elderscrolls
*** Shardie has left #elderscrolls.
*** Dagoth_Lich has left #elderscrolls.
*** HappyAdolf has left #elderscrolls.
* Darth_Fargoth uses the force to make Stephen play the multiplayer patch
*** Stephen has left #elderscrolls.
Session Close (#elderscrolls): Thu Jan 10 16:04:58 2007
Ten ingame hours later, my training was complete.
Ranod Zetratam: "Your training is now complete, Sinder Velvin. Your magical powers are now unmatchable. You have gained twenty levels and almost all of your magical skills are at 100. Now you can fight Fargoth. And I suggest that you and your companions rest for a while, for it is night. You should begin your journey tomorrow morning, by ingame hours. And I suggest that you make haste, since hours continue to pass in the real life. There could be really bad consequences for your friends if you don't release the curse soon. They might die of starvation in real life!"
Sinder Velvin: "And I might lose my job in real life. I didn't show up for work today."
Ranod Zetratam: "At least make sure that you show up for work tomorrow. Now rest. And abandon any items that you will not need for the journey ahead. Leave only what is necessary."
Sinder Velvin: "Very well. Good night."
Stargelman: "Good night."
W0nders: "Night."
We all went to sleep... Ingame, of course. Meanwhile, in Rafharheraf's tower.
Rafharheraf: "Rise, being of ultimate power. Rise."
The One: "I have awoken."
The next day, in Ranod Zetratam's house.
Ranod Zetratam: "Now, Sinder Velvin, you must go and face Fargoth, your greatest nemesis. I have forseen a final confrontation between you and him, and I believe that this will be it."
Sinder Velvin: "How do I find him?"
Ranod Zetratam: "Just wander around the wilderness. He is the one that will find you. And remember to abandon anything that you don't need."
I looked through my backpack for anything that I wouldn't need. I stumbled upon the chocolate that Santa Claus gave me.
Sinder Velvin: "What should we do with this? Should we eat it?"
Creeper: "Sure. Why not?"
Sebastian: "That's a lot of chocolate..."
Meanwhile, somewhere in Finland, currently known as Mordor, in Santa Claus' dark castle.
Santa Claus: "I wonder if they ever ate that poisoned chocolate that I gave them. Do you think that it was evil giving them poisoned chocolate?"
Witch King of Angmar: "Of course, my master."
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter