Part 1
Rafharheraf had been defeated. His death had been inevitable. And he knew that he was dead, but yet he found himself sitting in a strange chamber. Somebody approached him.
Mehrunes Dagon: "'Sup, man?"
Rafharheraf: "And just who are you supposed to be?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "My homies call me Mehrunes Dagon. And it's nice to meet you, bro."
Rafharheraf: "Homies?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "Yeah, my homies. You're gonna be one of my homies too."
Rafharheraf: "I'm going to be one of your homies!?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "Yes, man. We liked you, so we turned you into one of our homies. Now you'll be able to hang out with da gang."
Rafharheraf: "You turned me into a Daedra!?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "That's what we did, bro. We thought that you were cool, so we wanted you to hang out with us."
Rafharheraf: "Can you even do that? Is that in the lore?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "What's a lore? That's an animal, right?"
Rafharheraf: "No..."
Mehrunes Dagon: "Of course I know that, bro. I was just messin' with you. But, seriously now, we don't give a damn about the lore."
Rafharheraf: "You don't?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "We don't. Anyway, it's time to meet da gang. Come 'ere."
The necromancer followed the Daedra Prince into a large hall.
Mehrunes Dagon: "Rafman, this guy over here is Boe."
Rafharheraf: "Rafman!?"
Boethiah: "What's up?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "WHAAAAT'SSSS UUUUPPP!?"
Boethiah: "WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTT'SSSSSSSSSSSS UUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!???"
Mehrunes Dagon: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT'SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS UUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!??????"
Boethiah: "Hey, dog, who's the guy with the wig?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "This is our new homie, Rafman. He's gonna hang out with us now."
Boethiah: "What's up?"
Several seconds later.
Mehrunes Dagon: "The bro asked you a question, Rafman."
Rafharheraf: "What am I supposed to answer?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "You have to answer 'WHAAAAT'SSSS UUUUPPP!?'."
Azura approached.
Azura: "Hey, who's this guy?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "He's our new homie."
Azura: "Ah, just as I prophesied. The homie has finnaly arrived!"
Mehrunes Dagon: "Rafman, come 'ere and meet DJ Malacath."
The necromancer approached the DJ.
DJ Malacath: "Feel the groove, brother."
Rafharheraf: "Groove?"
Sheogorath approached.
Sheogorath: "DJ Malacath, when will you finish remixing '6 Wabbajacks Underground'?"
DJ Malacath: "It's almost done, bro."
Sheogorath: "I just dig its lyrics."
DJ Malacath: "I dig its lyrics too, homie."
Sheogorath: "Mice are rolling, swords are out
With the present stranger all around
I don't say they mean alarm, but they'd each be warm
To see six Wabbajacks underground.
See six Wabbajacks underground
It doesn't matter what those Bretons say..."
Rafharheraf: "You're not behaving like Daedra Princes."
Nocturnal: "What did you say, boy?"
Boethiah: "You kidding me or what!?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "Come on, my homies, let's not kick his spotted owl just yet. He's new. After an eternity of living with us, he'll start acting like us. Ain't that right, DJ Malacath?"
DJ Malacath: "Maybe you're right, bro. In a few millenia, he'll be just like us."
Rafharheraf: "Millenia!?"
Mehrunes Dagon: "That's what I said. You deaf or somethin'?"
Rafharheraf: "Oh, no... Right now, I wish Daedra Princes could commit suicide."
Mehrunes Dagon: "Not a chance, homie. You'll be hanging out with us forever..."
Rafharheraf: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Suddenly, he awoke from his nightmare screaming.
Rafharheraf: "Yet another nightmare. Not as worse as the one I had two days ago in which I dreamt that I was a lesbian mudcrab, though."
His favorite evil minion entered the room.
Evil Minion: "My lord, I heard you screaming. What has happened?"
Rafharheraf: "Just another nightmare, my evil minion. Hmm... You've been my main advisor for a while now, but I don't know what your name is. What is it?"
Bob: "My name is Bob."
Rafharheraf: "Very well, Bob. You may now go and resume whatever evil things that you were doing."
Bob: "Alright."
Meanwhile, in a forest in Cyrodiil...
Stargelman: "Alexander isn't here."
W0nders: "Well, thanks for telling us. We hadn't noticed."
Creeper: "If he became separated from us, it's quite likely that he has either been captured or killed by Fargoth and his storm troopers."
Sinder Velvin: "Either way, things look really bad for him."
Sebastian: "Fargoth is a wuss. Can't you just go and kill him?"
Sinder Velvin: "No, I can't. He's very powerful now. After all, he managed to use the force to make you play the game. And he's just a character, for God's sake."
Creeper: "This shows just how powerful Radiant A.I. can be in the wrong hands."
Sinder Velvin: "Maybe Fargoth found another way to use his A.I. than other characters..."
Stargelman: "So, how are we going to save Alexander?"
Sinder Velvin: "Since we can't defeat Fargoth in battle, we're going to have to set some sort of trap for him. But Sebastian is wounded. Shouldn't we get him to a healer?"
Sebastian: "This is just a game, right?"
Sinder Velvin: "No, Seb. It used to be just a game. Now things are much more serious."
Stargelman: "If we get Sebastian to a healer, won't Alexander get killed?"
Sinder Velvin: "Fargoth would never kill him unless he had me. He'll use him as a hostage or as bait, but he won't kill him."
Stargelman: "Are you sure about this?"
Sinder Velvin: "Very sure. We should probably worry about saving Alexander after we get Sebastian to a healer."
Stargelman: "We ought to get moving, then."
W0nders: "Hey, aren't you going to give us swords or something? For protection."
Sinder Velvin: "Against what? Storm troopers?"
W0nders: "Ok, it was a bad idea. Just one thing: aren't the graphics just awesome?"
Stargelman: "We're already used to the graphics."
W0nders: "Well, I still look at this game's graphics with amazement..."
Sinder Velvin: "Like Stargelman said, we ought to get moving."
The forest was full of storm troopers, but somehow we managed to evade them. We started walking towards the nearest town, which was actually pretty far. Meanwhile, on Fargoth's starship, which was docked somewhere in Cyrodiil.
Darth Fargoth: "Where is Sinder Velvin!? Speak!"
Alexander: "I will never tell you."
Darth Fargoth: "Then you shall suffer. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Alexander: "Sure, sure. By the way, your laughter is incredibly annoying."
Darth Fargoth: "Because it's evil, right?"
Alexander: "No, just because it's annoying."
Darth Fargoth: "So you're saying that my REALLY evil laughter isn't evil!? INFIDEL!"
Alexander: "In fact, I think that everything about you is annoying. I didn't use to think that way, but now that I've met you, my opinions have changed."
Darth Fargoth: "I shall make you pay for your insolence, Alexander. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Alexander: "Insolence is my middle name."
Darth Fargoth: "Do not mock me! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth left the chamber and went to his commander.
Darth Fargoth: "I want every single inch of Cyrodiil to be searched. I want the Nerevarine, Rafharheraf, Sinder Velvin and Sinder Velvin's associates to be killed on sight. Don't even capture them. That's the worst mistake that you could make. And please go to a newspaper and tell them to put an advertisment saying that I need an evil apprentice. Don't forget to mention the free meal, free housing and free lightsaber. Soon, revenge will be mine. And then, I'll conquer Cyrodiil. And then, I'll use my superior intelligence to become a real life person and destroy everything. (c) Muahahahaha! (c) Muahahahaha! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Commander: "Yes, my lord. But, if you must laugh like that, please don't laugh three times in a row. It's disturbing."
Darth Fargoth: "I will think about that, commander. Anyway, you have your orders."
During this time, on the Death Star.
Officer 1: "Now that the Sith is gone, we can finnaly put this internet connection to good use."
Officer 2: "Whee! XXX sites!"
They tried to access a site with the browser Galactic Explorer, but it didn't work.
Officer 2: "Damn Microspace."
Officer 1: "Let's download Spacefox and try it out."
Meanwhile, in Presumably's lair.
Presumably The Final Boss: "It would appear that I have a rival now: Fargoth. And he has a much larger army than me. It's a wonder how things always turn out for the worst for us villains. I mean, I wish people would just give us a break. It's not like we aren't just ordinary people ourselves..."
Dremora 1: "Uh... People?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Hmm... I seem to have forgotten my own rule."
Dremora 1: "Yeah. No spoilers and no lying about your identity. In other words, don't pretend that you are somebody who you aren't; just don't say who you are."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Indeed. And all the other characters have to stick to this rule, whether they like it or not. They must not say who I am under any circumstance."
Dremora 1: "Just curious: why don't they want to reveal your identity?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Because we don't want to spoil players' fun."
Dremora 1: "Ah, of course."
During this time, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Crassius Curio: "They made me the Emperor of Tamriel. I once wielded a power too terrible to imagine... But they dismissed me because I valued my life. Don't they understand that I had to betray my men in order to keep my life? Damn clich�s... Why do they dictate that bad guys gone good must be killed? And I'm not a bad guy gone good, actually. I'm a good guy gone bad gone good gone bad gone good gone bad gone good gone bad gone good and, recently, gone bad once again. It's not like there should be any clich�s in my case. Right, sweetie?"
Big Fat Homosexual Orc: "Sure. Now, are you going to come to the bedroom or not? I want you to see my new underwear."
Crassius Curio: "You're going to start wearing underwear now, Grazagrab?"
A few hours later, we had gotten closer to the town that we were headed to. However, two storm troopers had been following us all along and they had now gotten close enough for us to be able to hear them.
Storm Trooper 1: "Ok, they're pretty close now. What should we do?"
Storm Trooper 2: "When the boss contacted us with the walkie-talkie, he said to kill them on sight."
Storm Trooper 1: "I wonder why they gave us walkie-talkies. Didn't they have anything better?"
Storm Trooper 2: "Sorry, insufficient funds it would appear."
Storm Trooper 1: "But, are we really going to kill them on sight? Isn't that a bit odd? There is an unwritten rule for villains that says that no good guys should be killed on sight, but instead captured first."
Storm Trooper 2: "Well, even in the giant colectivity of villains there are still a few bad apples that don't stick to the rules. Anyway, we must do what the boss said. We must kill them on sight."
Storm Trooper 1: "Wait a minute... I can't see them anymore!"
After we had heard the two storm troopers talking, we had hidden ourselves behind some trees. The storm troopers looked for us for a couple of minutes, but they couldn't find us. They had nearly left, when...
W0nders: "Can I please have a sword? I'm sure you've got a spare one over there."
Storm Trooper 1: "There they are!"
Storm Trooper 2: "Before we start shooting at them, let's use our walkie-talkies to tell the boss that we've found them."
Storm Trooper 1: "Alright."
They tried to contact their superior. Meanwhile, we started running.
Storm Trooper 1: "I've got bad news. First of all, we're out of communication range."
Storm Trooper 2: "Stupid walkie-talkies."
Storm Trooper 1: "Second of all, those guys are running away! Fire at will!"
They started shooting at us.
Sinder Velvin: "Sebastian, I sure hope you aren't going to trip over another branch any time soon."
Sebastian: "I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I'd worry about running as fast as possible."
Eventually, they lost us.
W0nders: "Wait... Why didn't you just kill those guys, Sinder?"
Sinder Velvin: "I've got a sword. They've got laser rifles. I think they'd kill me before I'd kill them."
W0nders: "Just give me a sword and I'll show them..."
Sinder Velvin: "Sure you will."
We resumed our road towards the nearest town. Meanwhile, in the nearest town...
Nazton: "Mom, dad, I just wanted to let you know that I'm moving out. I'm going to become a villain."
Mother: "No, you're not! You're staying right here!"
Nazton: "I'm thirty years old. I can make decisions for my own."
Father: "Nazton, there are already a lot of villains out there, and I don't think they earn a lot of money."
Nazton: "Always about the money, is it? I don't care about money. I care about evilness. I care about evilness a lot."
Father: "Well, where are you going to get enough money to fund an evil empire? I suggest that you take a job with a decent pay and..."
Mother: "I don't want my son to become an evil criminal! You stay right here, where I can see you!"
Nazton: "You two have no control over me now. I'll do whatever I want to do."
And thus he left his home. Meanwhile, in a dungeon under the Imperial City...
Laecesia: "Many times have male villains tried to rule the world. Many times have they failed. And that's just because they're males. A female villain like myself will easily be able to rule the world. Don't you agree?"
Maranda: "I agree."
Natalie: "Me too."
Kate: "I think all the ladies in this room agree. Otherwise, they wouldn't be here."
Laecesia: "I believe that you are right. Anyway, how should we be called?"
Anne: "The dangerous vixens?"
Laecesia: "Unoriginal, but I like it. The dangerous vixens we are, then!"
In a building in the Imperial City...
S'Purr: "S'Purr has heard that a Dark Elf by the name of Sinder Velvin has a lot of moon sugar."
Ri'Paw: "Ri'Paw likes the sound of this."
Dro'Tail: "But Dro'Tail wonders: where did S'Purr hear of this?"
S'Purr: "S'Purr heard this from a man in white clothes. The man looked pretty strange and had a black stick, but S'Purr believes him."
Ma'Meow: "Ma'Meow thinks that this sounds good. Ma'Meow hasn't tasted moon sugar in a long time and Ma'Meow would love to taste moon sugar once again."
Ra'Gruzgob: "Ra'Gruzgob agrees with Ma'Meow. Ra'Gruzgob loves moon sugar too. Do you like my tail?"
S'Fluffy: "S'Fluffy doesn't see a tail. Isn't Ra'Gruzgob an Orc that thinks that he is a Khajiit?"
Ra'Gruzgob: "Ra'Gruzgob is no Orc!"
S'Purr: "S'Purr thinks that we should find this Dark Elf and take all his moon sugar."
J'Whiskers: "J'Whiskers thinks the same way that S'Purr does. J'Whiskers wants moon sugar."
Ri'Paw: "And Ri'Paw says that we shall get moon sugar. And if that outcast M'Aiq the Liar interferes with our plans again, we shall make him choke on hairballs."
During this time, in Zar's castle.
Zar: "Have you killed him yet?"
Zar's Captain: "No, my lord. But we know where he is."
Zar: "Send twenty of my best men to hunt him down and kill him. Don't ask him any questions, just kill him. Now, please give me that remote control."
Meanwhile, somewhere in Cyrodiil.
Nord: "Hello, I'm here for the job interview."
Storm Trooper 3: "And your name is?"
Rolf The Uber: "I am Rolf the Uber."
Storm Trooper 3: "Ok. Go through that door over there."
The Nord stepped through the door and found himself in a circular room.
Darth Fargoth: "Hello, Rolf the Uber."
Rolf The Uber: "Wait a minute... How did you know my name?"
Darth Fargoth: "Walkie-talkie. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Rolf The Uber: "Ah, ok. I'm here for the job interview."
Darth Fargoth: "First of all, are you a Star Wars fan?"
Rolf The Uber: "Of course. I've seen all the movies. I think that Natalie Portman sleepwalked through her roles in the new trilogy, though. I didn't like that one bit."
Darth Fargoth: "How do you like Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi?"
Rolf The Uber: "Good enough for my tastes."
Darth Fargoth: "So, you're familiar with the movies. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Rolf The Uber: "Yes."
Darth Fargoth: "Have you heard about how I became a Star Wars character, killed Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and Emperor Palpatine and then became the emperor of the Galactic Empire?"
Rolf The Uber: "But of course. All Star Wars fans are talking about it. And I have just two words to say to you: good job!"
Darth Fargoth: "Thanks. Would you like to become my evil apprentice? (c) Muahahahaha!"
Rolf The Uber: "Just tell me where to sign."
Darth Fargoth: "First of all, what name do you want to use as a Sith?"
Rolf The Uber: "Well, let's see... Darth Maul is my favorite Star Wars villain next to you, so I want to use the name 'Darth Slash'."
Darth Fargoth: "But a maul is a weapon, while a slash is a type of attack."
Darth Slash: "Does that really matter?"
Darth Fargoth: "Not exactly. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Just a question: why didn't you change your name when you became a Sith?"
Darth Fargoth: "Well, I'm the boss here, so I decide whether I want to change my name or not. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Ok, emperor. Your will is my command."
Darth Fargoth: "Do you know how to use the force?"
Darth Slash: "Not yet. But I can learn."
Darth Fargoth: "Good. I will turn you into the greatest Sith the galaxy has ever seen. Next to me, of course. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Meanwhile, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "So, did you like that?"
Crassius Curio: "Of course, pumpkin. It was better than usual."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Ok, I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette. If you still have enough energy left, you can always do what we just did with my big brother."
Crassius Curio: "Sure, sweetie. Tell him to come here."
In a nearby room in the same tower...
Little Orc 1: "Wow, this stuff is pretty naughty."
Little Orc 2: "Tell me about it."
Meanwhile, in Presumably's lair.
Presumably The Final Boss: "I see an advertisment in the local newspaper. Apparently, Fargoth wants an evil apprentice. This would be a perfect opportunity to infiltrate a spy in his base. We're going to use that spy to modify those documents that we talked about..."
Dremora 1: "When will we use the Bosmer?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Soon enough."
A bit later, we had gotten closer to the town. After a while, however, we were spotted by a large group of storm troopers and we started running from them. While we were running, W0nders suddenly became completely still.
Sebastian: "Oh, no. What's going on?"
Stargelman: "Lag! Sinder, he's been frozen to the ground. You need to take him out of the way, else he will be shot!"
Sinder Velvin: "But the storm troopers will shoot all of us if we stop!"
Sebastian: "Oh, come on. Don't you have enough experience levels to kill those guys?"
I did not know what to do. If we continued to run, W0nders would get shot and die ingame, which would mean that he would enter a coma in real life. If I stopped to make sure that he didn't get shot, we might all have gotten shot. I decided to take a risk and save him. I ran towards him and pushed him... He fell in the Speedtree RT powered grass and we almost got shot.
Stargelman: "Kick their spotted owls, Sinder."
I took out my sword, Eltonbrand, and rushed towards the storm troopers. However, they managed to shoot my sword, and its blade was disintegrated. I was left with just the handle.
Sinder Velvin: "There goes Eltonbrand."
I crouched in order to avoid getting shot. Sebastian, Stargelman and Creeper hid behind a tree nearby.
Creeper: "Boss, use the magic. Use the magic."
Sinder Velvin: "I don't like using magic."
Stargelman: "Man, your career guidance councilor really screwed up!"
Sinder Velvin: "How come?"
Stargelman: "How come? Are you kidding? A spellcaster that won't cast spells? HELLO?"
I was a wizard by trade, but I only used melee weapons. In time, I had become much better with melee weapons than with magic, but now I had to use my magic skills. I right-clicked on the mouse and the magic menu appeared. I selected a fireball as a spell, after which I started casting fireballs towards the storm troopers.
Sinder Velvin: "Nobody messes with Sinder Velvin."
I almost got shot many times, but I managed to kill off a couple of the storm troopers. That's when I ran out of magicka.
Sinder Velvin: "Oh no."
I hid behind a tree, taking W0nders with me. The storm troopers approached.
Creeper: "Boss, here's a restore magicka potion for you."
I took a potion and drank it, after which I started casting fireballs at my enemies once again. Eventually, they were all dead.
Stargelman: "It's good how your other personality came back when we needed it."
Sinder Velvin: "Erm... I guess."
W0nders: "Oh, no. I have lag."
W0nders moved his head to the left, but then he became as still as a rock once again.
Sebastian: "I bet he said that right when he realized that he had lag. It just took a long time for the message to reach us."
Stargelman: "Right, let's ping him and find out how much lag he has."
We waited several minutes.
Sinder Velvin: "I got the message 'W0nders- PING 325 secs'."
Sebastian: "That's pretty bad. Let's hope that his internet connection doesn't go down. Because, if it does, the game is going to think that he's dead."
His internet connection eventually became stable.
W0nders: "What... What happened?"
Sebastian: "Lag."
W0nders: "Damn."
Sinder Velvin: "Fortunately for you, I managed to save you. Just pray that you don't have such a high lag again. Things might get really bad."
W0nders: "Well, I'm certain that nothing bad will happen if you give me a sword."
Sinder Velvin: "Again with the damn sword!? Well, I don't have any swords. My own sword is now useless. I suggest that you all take storm trooper laser rifles."
Creeper: "Sounds good, boss."
We armed ourselves with storm trooper laser rifles. We considered taking their walkie-talkies as well, but we decided that it was not a very good idea.
Sinder Velvin: "Let's get moving now. We're almost there."
Meanwhile, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch, Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab entered the bedroom where Crassius Curio and Grazagrab's brother were having fun.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Hey, can I join you?"
Crassius Curio: "Oh, so you want some more, do you, sweetie? Well, before you come, please ask another person to come as well. It can get pretty boring in three, but it's incredibly fun in four, dear."
Meanwhile, on Fargoth's starship.
Darth Fargoth: "Now your training is complete, Darth Slash. You are now my really evil apprentice. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Excellent. So, who do I kill?"
Darth Fargoth: "Nobody for the moment. I will tell you when I need your help. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "Great."
Fargoth took a walkie-talkie.
Darth Fargoth: "Commander, could you please come here?"
Commander: "Yes, my lord."
A few minutes later, the commander came into the chamber.
Darth Fargoth: "Commander, as you might know, a clone of mine was added to this universe a while ago by a certain mod. Despite the fact that I think of this clone as a total fake, I would still like to meet it. (c) Muahahahaha!"
Darth Slash: "But isn't this clone dead?"
Darth Fargoth: "It is true that it is dead. But I know somebody who can resurrect people. A certain necromancer..."
Darth Slash: "Ah, the famous Rafharheraf, once your master, now one of your greatest enemies. Do you think that he would help you, my dark lord?"
Darth Fargoth: "I know for sure that he would never help me, but I believe that at least one of his evil minions can also use necromancy. I want a spy infiltrated into Rafharheraf's base right away. Ask the spy to look for anybody in Rafharheraf's base that can use necromancy and could be persuaded to join me. Soon, the galaxy will have two Fargoths. And nothing will be able to stop me then. (c) Muahahahaha! (c) Muahahahaha! (c) Muahahahaha!"
Commander: "Alright, emperor. But I urge not to laugh three times in a row once again."
Darth Fargoth: "I'll take your opinion into consideration."
A few minutes later, while getting closer to the nearest town, we were ambushed by a group of soldiers wearing Daedric armor.
Zar's Soldier 1: "Halt! Halt! Halt!"
Sinder Velvin: "Daggerfall flashback, anyone?"
Zar's Soldier 1: "We were sent by our master to eliminate you. Meaning that your death is inevitable."
Sinder Velvin: "Good joke. Let me guess... Your master is Zar, right?"
Zar's Soldier 2: "Yes."
Sinder Velvin: "I suggest that you retreat. You stand no chances against us."
Zar's soldiers started laughing.
Sebastian: "We have laser rifles, you know."
Zar's Soldier 1: "Laser rifles?"
Zar's Soldier 2: "I think they're talking about those black sticks. I wonder how they could possibly fight us with those."
Sinder Velvin: "Do you want to see how?"
Zar's Soldier 4: "Show us what you've got."
We started firing at Zar's soldiers with the laser rifles. It took a lot of shots to bring one down, seeing as they were all wearing Daedric armor, but we managed to kill several of them. However, Stargelman ran out of ammo, and he could not defend himself from the soldier that was approaching him.
Stargelman: "Sinder, this would be a good time to use your fireworks again."
Sinder Velvin: "Sorry, I haven't got any magicka left."
Stargelman: "Well, I'd take him on, but that damn Fargoth gave me a level 1 character. Give me a hand here."
Sinder Velvin: "If you insist."
I threw my laser rifle to Stargelman, but the enemy was dangerously close to him, so I ran towards Zar's soldier and threw myself at him. Since I was unarmed, I had to punch him. However, he tried to hit me with the claymore. In order to defend myself, I kicked him in the balls and, due to the great pain, he dropped his claymore.
Stargelman: "Should I shoot him?"
Sinder Velvin: "No, I've got everything under control."
That's when the soldier also kicked me in the balls. I crumbled to the ground in pain and agony. The soldier picked up his claymore, but, before he tried to hit me, I rose to the ground and pushed him, making him lose balance and fall to the ground. I punched him, but that hurt me more than it hurt him. He did lose some fatigue, however, so I kept punching him. My hand-to-hand skill rose greatly during this fight. Eventually, he lost consciousness.
W0nders: "Sinder, we're all out of ammo. I told you to give me a sword."
I looked around and saw two of Zar's minions that were still alive and conscious. They were approaching my friends. I picked up the claymore of the unconscious soldier and came to the aid of Creeper, Sebastian, Stargelman and W0nders. However, I was outnumbered.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, guys, I'm a little outnumbered."
Stargelman: "Oh, come on. You managed to kick the spotted owl of one of these guys just by using your hand-to-hand skill and you can't defeat these two despite the fact that you have a claymore?"
Sinder Velvin: "That bastard was wounded. These two do not appear to have any injuries."
Stargelman: "I guess you have a point there."
The two guards approached me and I tried to take them on, but they managed to disarm me. They were trying to kill me when yet another group of storm troopers appeared. They started shooting at us, but, seeing that only the two soldiers were armed, they shot them first. They tried to shoot us as well, but I grabbed a claymore and we ran into a cave that was nearby. The storm troopers tried to follow, but I struck the cave's ceiling with all my strength, causing a cave-in and blocking the entrance to the cave. The storm troopers could not come in... But we could not go out.
Sebastian: "So, what do we do now?"
Sinder Velvin: "We pray that there's another way out of this place."
Stargelman: "Oh, this is just perfect."
Meanwhile, in the nearest town, Nazton had put advertisments all around that went like this:
"Hello, my name is Nazton and I will soon become the greatest villain in the history of the universe. I am an evil mastermind that is just starting out, though, so I need employees. If you want to be an evil minion of mine or if you are an evil scientist looking for a job, you can find me in my parents' garage every day from 12 am to 12 pm. Oh, sorry, I meant stables, not garage. Anyway, until my evil empire receives sufficient funds to relocate to a much nicer place, my parents' stables will be my base of operations. And you can send your donations to the same address. Help an evil mastermind out, please."
During this time, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Crassius Curio: "Oh, aren't you a naughty boy?"
Grazagrab's Brother: "Give it to me. Give it to me."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Any way you go, I win."
Orc: "Well, you can take that and shove it up your spotted owl."
Crassius Curio "Literally? Hahaha."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Got any more where that came from?"
Grazagrab's Brother: "Looks to me as if he's got an endless supply. I wonder where he gets it from."
Crassius Curio: "I try to preserve them. You never know when you're going to need them."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Woohoo! I win."
Crassius Curio: "Well, it wasn't exactly a win or lose situation."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "You're right. So, another round?"
Orc: "I'm always ready, baby!"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Just a minute. I need to get a beer. In fact, you can start without me."
Crassius Curio: "That's great, sweetie."
In a nearby room in the same tower...
Little Orc 2: "Oh, no. He's coming here. He'll realize that we've been eavesdropping on them."
Little Orc 1: "All that stuff was incredibly... odd."
Little Orc 2: "Sure was."
Grazagrab entered the room where the two little orcs were.
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "What are you two doing here? Have you been eavesdropping on us?"
Little Orc 1: "Please don't hurt us."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "You're really close relatives of mine, so I'd never hurt you. After all, aren't you two kids my mother's aunt's uncle's wife's sister's son's stepbrother's niece's husband's mother's brother-in-law's daughter's grandsons?"
Little Orc 2: "Yes, we are."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "So, you see, I'd never hurt you. But why were you eavesdropping on us? We weren't doing anything interesting."
Little Orc 1: "Uh... What do you mean? I thought you were..."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "We were playing cards."
Little Orc 2: "You were playing cards!?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Of course. All along. What did you think we were doing?"
Little Orc 2: "Erm... Nevermind."
Little Orc 1: "But, if all you were just playing cards, why did you want to show Uncle Crassius your new underwear?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "We're two guys. We want to know if our clothes look cool, so we ask each other."
Little Orc 1: "But how did he know that you don't wear any underwear?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Almost everybody knows that it's too cold with just pants and underwear where I sleep, so that's why I would rather wear two pairs of pants and no underwear."
Little Orc 1: "In that case, why did you buy new underwear?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Because I'm going to start sleeping in another bedroom from now on. Where it isn't so cold."
Little Orc 2: "Ok..."
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Now, you two go and do your homework."
Little Orc 1: "Sure."
Meanwhile, on Fargoth's starship.
Commander: "My lord, I have found the right man for the job of infiltrating Rafharheraf's base."
Darth Fargoth: "Really? Who is it?"
Commander: "His name is Secret Spy."
Darth Fargoth: "You're joking, right?"
Commander: "Not at all, your highness. His first name is Secret and his last name is Spy."
Darth Slash: "Sounds like he was made for the job."
Darth Fargoth: "Hmm... Go ahead and send him on the mission. If he succeeds in turning one of Rafharheraf's necromancers into one of my evil minions, nobody will be able to stop me! (c) Muahahahaha!"
After walking through the dark cave for a long time, we heard people talking.
W0nders: "What was that?"
Sinder Velvin: "There's somebody else here in this cave. Hopefully, the people here are friendly..."
W0nders: "Hopefully."
We approached the source of the sounds. Eventually, we found ourselves in a very large chamber. There was absolutely no light in it, but echoes made us aware of the huge size of the chamber.
Nightmare: "Ahh, vvissitorss. I have nevver had any vvissitorss before. You are the firsst."
Sinder Velvin: "Hello there. Who are you?"
Nightmare: "My name iss Nightmare. I am not a nightmare, of coursse. It iss jusst a nickname, 'tiss all."
Sebastian: "This is spooky."
W0nders: "Very."
Sinder Velvin: "What are you?"
Nightmare: "What am I? Guard, what am I?"
Nightmare's Guard 1: "I do not know, your evilness. I have never seen you."
Sinder Velvin: "Evilness?"
Nightmare: "I am a vvillain."
Creeper: "Another one."
Nightmare: "You sstill havven't told me your name."
Sinder Velvin: "My name is Sinder Velvin."
Nightmare: "Ah, Ssinder Vvelvvin. Your first name sstarts with the letter 'ss', which I cannot pronounce correctly. Your last name sstarts with the letter 'vv', which I alsso cannot pronounce correctly. Coincidence?"
Sinder Velvin: "Probably."
Nightmare: "I wonder... What are you?"
Sinder Velvin: "I am a Dark Elf."
Nightmare: "A Dark Elf!?"
Sinder Velvin: "Is that good or bad?"
Nightmare: "It iss wonderful!"
Sinder Velvin: "How come?"
Nightmare: "I lovve darknessss and all things assssociated with darknessss. You are a Dark Elf, so you are dark, and thus assssociated with darknessss. That iss good."
Sinder Velvin: "You love darkness?"
Nightmare: "Yess, vvery much. I can't evven describe to you how much I lovve darknessss. If darknessss was a food, I would eat it. I bet darknessss would be delicious as a food. If I could kissss darknessss, I would kissss it consstantly for the resst of my life. If I could marry darknessss, I would marry it. I can't havve enough of her."
Sinder Velvin: "Her?"
Nightmare: "To me, darknessss iss a beautiful lady. I can nevver havve enough of her. Ssadly, all I can do is watch her. Sshe iss sso vvery beautiful..."
Stargelman: "Another nut case."
Sinder Velvin: "How do you feel about light?"
Nightmare: "Aiiiiiiiie! Light iss bad! Light iss bad! Light iss bad! Light iss bad! Light iss bad! I hate light."
Sinder Velvin: "Is there anything that you like more than darkness?"
Before I could receive an answer, I heard footsteps on the other side of the chamber.
Nightmare's Guard 2: "Your evilness, I have brought you candy."
Nightmare: "CANDY!? DID YOU JUST SSAY THE WORD 'CANDY'!?"
Nightmare's Guard 2: "Yes, your evilness."
I heard Nightmare making sounds like a wild animal, after which I heard the guard screaming. Apparently, in his lust for candy, Nightmare had killed the guard that had brought him the candy.
Nightmare: "SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET CAAAAAAAAAAAAANDDDYYYY!"
Nightmare's Guard 1: "That's why I never bring him candy."
Nightmare: "The one thing that I like more than sweet darknessss is candy. I tried to desscribe to you how much I lovve darknessss, but I could nevver evver manage to desscribe to you how much I lovve candy. CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!"
Sinder Velvin: "You're a pretty strange fellow."
Nightmare: "I became a vvillain just for candy. I want to rule the world and take and eat all the candy in the world! All the candy in the world just for me. Just for me! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! Muhahahaha!"
Lawyer: "Excuse me, but you have just used '(c) Muahahahaha', which is a trademark of (c) Darth Fargoth's Evil Galactic Empire. We will now sue you."
Nightmare: "Excusse me, but I did not usse '(c) Muahahahaha', I ussed 'muhahahaha', which I believve iss not a trademark of anybody."
Lawyer: "Ok, my client will drop the lawsuit. But, in order to avoid such legal problems in the future, please use a less similar malevolent laugh."
Nightmare: "Vvery well. I will try to find a malevvolent laught that iss not spotted owl ssimilar."
Sinder Velvin: "Spotted owl similar?"
Nightmare: "I did not ssay that!"
Sinder Velvin: "Perhaps you accidentally added an 's' to a word, turning that word into a censored one."
Nightmare: "That sseemss to be the casse. But, spotted owl long spotted owl I used the word 'sspotted owl', I would have preferred the word to have two 'ss', not just one."
Sinder Velvin: "Whoops, you said that censored word again. Two times."
Nightmare: "Nassty auto-censsor..."
Sinder Velvin: "Anyway, why do your guards work for you?"
Nightmare: "Becausse I pay them."
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Quite a lot, I might add. Enough for me to agree to stay in total darkness for the entire day."
Sinder Velvin: "So... You like light?"
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Sure. When my shift is over, I leave this cave and go home. I live in the nearest town, you see."
Sinder Velvin: "And when does your shift end?"
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Right now."
Nightmare: "Ssomebody pleasse replace the guard now."
Sinder Velvin: "Could we walk you home?"
Nightmare: "No, I will not allow that. I am a vvillain, you ssee, sso all good people who come to my cavve must ssuffer."
Sinder Velvin: "But I'm really evil, you know. So are my friends."
Stargelman: "I'm a webmaster. I'm as evil as they get."
Creeper: "I'm a Daedra, so I'm really evil."
Sebastian: "I'm a modder, so I'm really evil."
W0nders: "I'm Australian, so..."
Sebastian: "Don't even think about it."
W0nders: "Ok... I'm really evil because I'm really evil."
Nightmare: "But why sshould I let you go?"
Sinder Velvin: "I'm a Dark Elf and you love darkness, so you love me as well. Seeing as you love me, aren't you going to let me and my friends go?"
Nightmare: "Alright, go. But we sshall meet again. I am ssure of that."
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Are you coming or not?"
Sinder Velvin: "Of course we're coming."
Meanwhile, in Zar's castle.
Zar: "So he and his incredibly dangerous allies managed to kill all of my men!?"
Zar's Captain: "Yes."
Zar: "But... But... But those were my best men! I was nearly certain that there were no better warriors in all of Tamriel!"
Zar's Captain: "You were wrong, my lord. Sinder Velvin has defeated them."
Zar: "Ok... I'll have to think of another way to kill him. And, mark my words: he will die. Eventually."
Zar's Captain: "One more thing, my lord. He did not kill all of your men. One survived."
Zar: "Ah... So one survived... Please make sure that he gets taken care of."
Zar's Captain: "Yes, my lord."
Meanwhile, in a tower in Cyrodiil. Rafharheraf's tower, more precisely.
Wizard 1: "You would like to become an evil minion of our evil lord Rafharheraf?"
Secret Spy: "Of course."
Wizard 1: "What was your name again?"
Secret Spy: "My name is Secret Spy."
Wizard 1: "Oh, good. I hope you don't mind me asking your name... I'm just doing it in order to avoid secret spies. Not that I ever suspected you of being a secret spy, of course, but I have to stick to rules, you see."
Secret Spy: "I understand."
During this time, in a dark tower somewhere near a volcano caused by a graphical glitch.
Crassius Curio: "Sweetie, do you want to hear about my evil plans?"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Sure."
Crassius Curio: "Seeing as this tower, which was once Rafharheraf's, contains the Dwemer machinery that the necromancer used to bring characters from other stories into this universe, I figured that we should use it to take revenge on the Empire. After all, they dismissed me!"
Gro-Grogrob Grazagrab: "Sounds good. But how will you use the machinery? Do you know how to use it?"
Crassius Curio: "Dear, practice makes perfect."
Meanwhile, in Presumably's lair.
Dremora 1: "Boss, it would appear that Fargoth already has an apprentice."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Damn it. In that case, we'll have to think of something else..."
Dremora 1: "And our plans?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Let's not drop them yet. Maybe something really bad happens to Fargoth's apprentice."
A while later, at the blocked entrance to the cave that we were in.
Nightmare's Guard 1: "There appears to have been a cave-in recently, so the entrance is blocked. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?"
Sinder Velvin: "Nope. Nothing at all."
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Alright. Wait here until I get some dynamite."
Sinder Velvin: "Dynamite?"
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Yeah, dynamite. I'm not going to let a little cave-in stop me from getting home."
Meanwhile, in Zar's castle.
Zar: "Has the surviver been taken care of?"
Zar's Captain: "Yes."
Zar: "Good. I want to speak with him when he gets better. I assume that he's quite injured."
Zar's Captain: "You want to speak with him!?"
Zar: "Of course. I want to know how he managed to survive."
Zar's Captain: "But he's been taken care of!"
Zar: "So I won't have to wait, then? I can talk with him right now?"
Zar's Captain: "He's dead!"
Zar: "He's dead?"
Zar's Captain: "Yes. Didn't you ask us to 'take care of him'?"
Zar: "I asked you to take care of him literally, not to kill him!"
Zar's Captain: "Oh... Sorry. I thought you didn't want him to tell the world about how you were defeated."
Zar: "Argh! Incompetent fools! Nevermind... I know how to kill Sinder Velvin. And he will actually die!"
During this time, in Rafharheraf's chambers.
Rafharheraf: "Somebody stole all the candy in the tower yesterday!?"
Wizard 2: "Yes. And the day before as well. And today as well."
Rafharheraf: "Hmm... I had nightmares in these days. But I am sure that it was just a coincidence."
During this time, in a room where documents about all of Rafharheraf's minions were kept.
Secret Spy: "Could you please tell me if any minions of Rafharheraf are Star Wars fans?"
Wizard 3: "There's plenty of them. All of them have bought the trilogy from E-bay."
Secret Spy: "Is there a list of Star Wars fans?"
Wizard 4: "Sure. Here you go."
Secret Spy: "Hmm... Let's see... Generic Skeleton 1, Generic Skeleton 4, Generic Skeleton 17, Generic Skeleton 37, Generic Skeleton 49..."
Wizard 4: "Poor Generic Skeleton 49. He was destroyed a short while ago."
Wizard 3: "His ultimate fate saddens me."
Secret Spy: "...Generic Skeleton 57, Generic Skeleton 83, Generic Skeleton 112, Generic Zombie 15, Generic Zombie 22... There aren't any non-undead Star Wars fans here?"
Wizard 3: "Normally, we wouldn't tell anyone, because anyone could be a secret spy, but there's no way in hell that you could be a secret spy, so we'll tell you."
Secret Spy: "Tell me."
Wizard 4: "Rafharheraf's favorite minion, Bob, is a huge Star Wars fan."
Secret Spy: "Is he a necromancer?"
Wizard 4: "Yes, he is. A very good one, too."
Secret Spy: "Excellent."
Suddenly, another wizard entered the room.
Wizard 5: "Ah, so it is the famous secret spy. And you are helping him. You shall die for what you are doing."
Secret Spy: "I can explain everything."
Wizard 5: "No explanations! Death shall follow now."
The wizard killed the other two wizards.
Secret Spy: "Why did you kill those two?"
Wizard 5: "Because one of them was a secret spy and the other one was helping the secret spy. They were probably looking through the documents to see if they could convert somebody in here to their cause."
Secret Spy: "But why didn't you kill me?"
Wizard 5: "Why should I kill you? You can't possibly be a secret spy. I mean... That would be impossible."
Secret Spy: "Aren't you wondering what I was doing here?"
Wizard 5: "I think you just got lost when you were on your way to the bathroom."
Secret Spy: "That's actually very true."
Wizard 5: "I'm going to leave now."
Secret Spy: "Aren't you going to give me directions to the bathroom?"
Wizard 5: "I don't really think you need them. It's quite easy to find."
Secret Spy: "Won't you mind if I remain in this chamber?"
Wizard 5: "Not at all. You probably want to take those two wizards' valuables. I have absolutely nothing against that. In fact, I would like that."
Secret Spy: "Ok."
Later, we had finnaly managed to get out of the cave. When the town was in sight, we saw a house by the road.
Sinder Velvin: "Let's check it out."
Nightmare's Guard 1: "You're going to that house?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes."
Nightmare's Guard 1: "Alright. Goodbye."
We went to the house and we knocked on the door. An old man opened the door.
Ranod Zetratam: "Greetings, travelers."
Sinder Velvin: "Hello."
He looked at me and smiled.
Ranod Zetratam: "The famous Sinder Velvin has come to my humble home. It is an honor and a pleasure, player."
Sinder Velvin: "Who are you?"
Ranod Zetratam: "I am a very old wizard... I was once a great hero like yourself, but I am now all but forgotten. My name is Ranod Zetratam."
Sinder Velvin: "My friend Sebastian needs healing. Can you provide it?"
Ranod Zetratam: "Of course. And I see that your other friends are a little wounded too. I shall heal them as well."
Sinder Velvin: "Thank you."
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter