Part 1
Frodo glanced at all the faces, but they were not turned to him. All the Council sat with downcast eyes, as if in deep thought. A great dread fell on him, as if he was awaiting the pronouncement of some doom that he had long foreseen and vainly hoped might after all never be spoken. An overwhelming longing to rest and remain at peace by Bilbo's side in Rivendell filled all his heart. At last with an effort he spoke, and wondered to hear his own words, as if some other will was using his small voice.
Frodo: "I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way."
Elrond raised his eyes and looked at him, and Frodo felt his heart pierced by the sudden keenness of the glance.
Elrond: "If I understand aright all that I have heard, I think that this task is appointed for you, Frodo; and that if you do not find a way, no one will. This is the hour of the Shire-folk, when they arise from their quiet fields to shake the towers and counsels of the Great. Who of all the Wise could have forseen it? Or, if they are wise, why should they expect to know it, until the hour has struck? But it is a heavy burden. So heavy that none could lay it on another. I do not lay it on you. But if you take it freely, I will say that your choice is right..."
Santa Claus: "Greetings. Might you folks know the way to Finland?"
Everybody stared at the man in the red suit.
Glorfindel: "Excuse me, but isn't this supposed to be a secret council?"
Santa Claus: "A secret council? What is this council about?"
Elrond: "This is a secret council and what is being discussed is a secret. And now, could you please leave?"
Santa Claus: "All I want is for me to return home. But I'm in the wrong story again."
Elrond: "In the wrong story? You mean... metaphorically?"
Santa Claus: "It is difficult to explain. But I am willing to do anything to get home. Say, if I help you with your quest, could you help me return home?"
Elrond: "So you heard a little of what we were talking about."
Elrond looked at Santa Claus distrustfully.
Santa Claus: "I only heard very little."
Elrond: "Our objective is to destroy the One ring of Sauron by throwing it into the flames of Mount Doom... But be warned: the path to Mordor is long and treacherous. Are you truly willing to take this quest upon yourself?"
Santa Claus: "I can easily take you anywhere with my magical sledge. Could you show me on a map where we are and where Mount Doom is?"
A map was taken and Santa Claus was shown where Rivendell was and where Mount Doom was.
Santa Claus: "Mount Doom isn't very far away. I could probably get you there in a few hours."
Samwise Gamgee: "You've got to be kidding me."
Elrond looked turned towards the spot where Sam was hiding and smiled.
Elrond: "It is hardly possible to separate you from Frodo, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."
Santa Claus: "When do you want me to take you to Mount Doom?"
Elrond: "I do not believe that you can get there so hastily."
Santa Claus: "I could perform a demonstration of my magical sledge. You will see by yourselves how fast it is."
Elrond: "Very well, then."
Several hours later.
Elrond: "I underestimated you, Mister Anderson... I mean Mister Claus. I believe that you will play a significant part in the events to come."
Meanwhile, in Cyrodiil.
Sinder Velvin: "We had quite a fun time at that inn, Creeper."
Creeper: "Yes, boss. We had a pleasant stay."
Sinder Velvin: "Anyway, we should probably begin our search for Fargoth, right?"
Creeper: "Of course."
Sinder Velvin: "Do you think that he has any tricks left up his sleeve?"
Creeper: "He commanded a gigantic army, but that army is no longer under his command now. It is under the command of the game's final boss. I believe that the final boss will probably want his/her/its own revenge on Fargoth. And then there's the Nerevarine, who also wants to kill Fargoth. As if that wasn't enough, the new emperor has placed a bounty on Fargoth's head. I think that everybody wants to kill Fargoth."
Sinder Velvin: "Indeed. He would have to be a genius to get out of this one."
Creeper: "Yes."
Sinder Velvin: "About the new emperor... I was very surprised when I found out who he was."
Creeper: "Yeah, me too. I would have never expected this."
Sinder Velvin: "At least he's abandoned his former ways."
Creeper: "For now. Though he might try to resume his plans eventually..."
Sinder Velvin: "Luckily for us, he's just in that position temporarily. Once the real heir to the throne is found, the current emperor will be forced to abandon his position. And, if the current emperor ever wanted to resume his plans, he would be 'dismissed' by the Elder Council when they found out what he was up to."
Creeper: "What's bad is that the Elder Council doesn't know exactly who he is. They know him under a different identity."
Sinder Velvin: "He's placed a bounty on Fargoth, so he might have abandoned his former ways."
Creeper: "It's possible."
Sinder Velvin: "Let's worry about the emperor some other time. We've got a Bosmer to hunt down."
During this time, in Faerun, in the city of Neverwinter...
Drizzt Do'Urden: "Well, Darth Vader, this is it. Welcome to the city of Neverwinter. All you have to do now is to find a wizard that can take you home."
Darth Vader: "This is an interesting city, Drizzt. I think that I will conquer it eventually."
Drizzt Do'Urden: "Right. Well, farewell. I must leave now."
Darth Vader: "Farewell, Drizzt. May the dark side of the force be with you."
Drizzt Do'Urden: "Yeah... Thanks."
So, back to Cyrodiil. For days, I had been visiting every single town and village on the map, asking people if they had heard of a nasty little Bosmer called Fargoth. They always said 'no', but they did say that they had heard rumors of a necromancer to the west.
Sinder Velvin: "Should we seek the necromancer out and end his evil ways?"
Creeper: "That would take a lot of time, chief. During that time, the Nerevarine might kick Fargoth's spotted owl. We don't want that to happen, do we?"
Sinder Velvin: "No, we don't. We want to catch Fargoth by ourselves. But we have absolutely no idea where Fargoth might be, so I don't think that we'll be able to find him very soon. One thing's for sure, though: he's hiding in a dungeon. Then again, the game has several hundred dungeons, so the fact that we know that Fargoth is hiding in a dungeon won't help us very much unless we know the general area that he's hiding in."
Creeper: "Ok, let's go after this necromancer."
And thus we set off to find the tower of an evil necromancer that dwelled atop a mountain peak. We had to walk all the way over there, because we had never been in that area. We couldn't use the fast travel map because the fast travel map only allowed us to travel quickly to places that we'd already been to. Needless to say, we travelled very slowly, because, even though I had been playing the game for a few weeks already, I was still amazed by the beautiful graphics. Creeper also liked the graphics very much, seeing as he had been used to the graphics of Morrowind, which were greatly inferior to the graphics in Oblivion. When we eventually reached the tower, we were both ready to kick some necromancer spotted owl.
Creeper: "Should we knock?"
Sinder Velvin: "Do you think that would help us? Because I don't."
Creeper: "You're pretty much right, boss. Villains don't answer the door."
Sinder Velvin: "Let's try opening the door by ourselves, in that case."
I tried opening the door, but it was locked.
Sinder Velvin: "The damn door won't open."
Creeper: "I have a lockpick or two, boss."
Sinder Velvin: "Those can't be very helpful, Creeper. My lockpicking skill is very, very low. Let's try bashing the door."
I tried bashing the door, but to no avail.
Sinder Velvin: "Any ideas how to open this door, Creeper?"
Creeper: "You could always use the grenade that you got as a gift from Santa Claus."
Sinder Velvin: "True. Though it pains me to use such a wonderful grenade just to enter the lair of a minor villain, I shall sacrifice it for the sake of my fun."
After I threw the grenade near the door, we took some distance from it. Just as the grenade was about to explode, the door opened.
Wizard: "Who the hell is knocking on the door?"
Suddenly, the grenade exploded and the wizard was killed.
Creeper: "Now, that didn't go as planned."
Sinder Velvin: "Yep."
Creeper: "Do you think that this wizard might have been the necromancer?"
Sinder Velvin: "Not a chance, Creeper. The wizard was probably just a servant of the real bad guy. Let's go inside... And explore! And, if we're lucky, find a lot of loot."
We entered the tower and started looking around in all of the rooms. We fought several skeletons, but we did not encounter anything that was very threatening. Eventually, we found two different tunnels that led to different parts of an underground dungeon.
Sinder Velvin: "I suggest that we split, Creeper. You take one path and I'll take the other one. You won't need my help to face a couple of wimpy magelings and skeletons."
Creeper: "I sure hope that there's nothing more than mages and skeletons down there."
We split up, each of us taking a different tunnel down. I did not know what dangers awaited beneath the earth...
Sinder Velvin: "I hope nothing bad happens to Creeper."
Meanwhile, in a different tale, there were three little pigs. The first little pig built his house out of straw because it was the easiest thing to do. The second little pig built his house out of sticks. This was a little bit stronger than a straw house. The third little pig built his house out of bricks. One night the big bad wolf, who dearly loved to eat fat little piggies, came along and saw the first little pig in his house of straw.
Wolf 1: "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"
Little Pig 1: "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."
But of course the wolf did blow the house in and ate the first little pig. The wolf then came to the house of sticks.
Wolf 1: "Let me in, let me in little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in."
Little Pig 2: "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."
But the wolf blew that house in too, and ate the second little pig. The wolf then came to the house of bricks.
Wolf 1: "Let me in, let me in. Or I'll huff and I'll puff till I blow your house in."
Little Pig 3: "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."
Wolf 2: "The pig is right, you know. It will take more than just huffing and puffing to destroy his house."
Wolf 1: "Whoa, who the hell are you!? I'm the only wolf in this story!"
Wolf 2: "Yes, you are the only wolf in this story. Well, you used to be the only wolf in this story. You see, I am the wolf from the Little Red Riding Hood and I'm desperately trying to return to my own story. Could you please help me?"
Storm Trooper 1: "Hands up! You are under arrest for destroying the property of the Emperor!"
Wolf 2: "Hey, I'm innocent!"
Storm Trooper 2: "Take both of them in. Evacuate the inhabitants of the brick house and claim it for the Empire."
A short while later.
Storm Trooper 3: "Any signs of Lord Vader?"
Storm Trooper 1: "No... He is not on this planet. Go and report to the Emperor about the true purpose of the portal. Tell him that it is a gateway to different planets."
Storm Trooper 3: "Yes, sir!"
During this time, back in Cyrodiil in the necromancer's tower, I had finished climbing the stairs that led underground. I fought several dozen skeletons, but they were easy to defeat. I explored a lot of rooms with crates and chests full of gold, magical potions and other goodies. Eventually, I came upon a very large stone door with inscriptions on it. One of the inscriptions read "herein lies the domain of the great necromancer of the west - enter at your own risk". I decided to open the door and, to my surprise, I found a huge room on the other side... A room that was full of skeletons. Hundreds of skeletons.
Sinder Velvin: "I think it was a bad idea to let Creeper go here all by himself."
I drew my blade and faced the skeletons. They came to me one by one, so it was incredibly simple to kill every single one of them. After that, a wizard came in front of me and a wizard came behind me.
Wizard 1: "Prepare to die, Dark Elf fool!"
Wizard 2: "Say your prayers, Dark Elf fool!"
They both started casting some dangerous Destruction spells, but I ducked and I made them hit each other. After they were dead, a masked figure emerged from the shadows.
Sinder Velvin: "Darth Vader?"
Masked Figure: "No."
Sinder Velvin: "Dagoth Ur?"
Masked Figure: "No. But don't worry - you'll meet him eventually."
Sinder Velvin: "Fargoth?"
Masked Figure: "How could I possibly be that fool!?"
Dark Figure: "Now, my master, please don't insult the great and fearsome Fargoth. Muahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "That sounds like a Bosmer laugh."
Masked Figure: "It's just my idiotic servant, Fargoth."
Fargoth: "Stop calling me an idiot! Uh... Please..."
Masked Figure: "I didn't call you an idiot. I called you an 'idiotic servant'."
Sinder Velvin: "So, Fargoth, ever since you were defeaten you've been a servant to an unknown necromancer."
Masked Figure: "In fact, I was his boss all along. I've been the one pulling the strings. He just pretended to be the evil mastermind. That's why I'm very upset."
Sinder Velvin: "Hehe... Haven't you punished him?"
Masked Figure: "Oh, of course I've punished him. I tortured him. I was very cruel. INCREDIBLY cruel."
Fargoth: "Yes... Very cruel..."
Fargoth sobbed.
Sinder Velvin: "What did you do to him?"
Masked Figure: "What I did was very, very cruel. You see, I made him watch the Final Fantasy movie."
Sinder Velvin: "Yikes... You're right. You did torture him. You're a cruel person."
Masked Figure: "I made him watch it twenty five times in a row."
Sinder Velvin: "OH, MY GOD!? TWENTY FIVE TIMES IN A ROW!? AND HE'S STILL ALIVE AND SANE!? Uh... Forget the sane part."
Masked Figure: "And, after that, I made him watch Gigli, which is in my opinion the worst movie ever."
Sinder Velvin: "You... You're the devil, man! You're... You're just evil. Way too evil."
Masked Figure: "I made him watch it ten times. In a row."
Sinder Velvin: "That's it... I'm leaving, since I don't even want to imagine what you would do to me if you captured me. Bye!"
That's when I fled.
Masked Figure: "See, Fargoth? You don't even have to kill them sometimes. They just get so frightened that they leave out of their own free will."
Fargoth: "Just a question, master. Why did those skeletons attack him one by one? And why were those wizards so dumb?"
Masked Figure: "That's how all minions behave, my foolish Bosmer apprentice."
Fargoth: "I'm not foolish... But what do you mean that it's how they behave? Is it just me or is it a clich�?"
Masked Figure: "I don't like the word 'clich�'. I prefer to use the word 'guideline'. By the way, Fargoth, I want you to kill the Nerevarine."
Fargoth: "Why?"
Masked Figure: "Because bad guys that turn into good guys have to die. It's a guideline. And, by the way, make sure that, if you die while you are fighting the Nerevarine, you die falling from a great height onto a hard surface. That's a guideline for villains."
Fargoth: "Sure, Lord Rafharheraf. Should I take one of the pistols that Santa Claus gave us?"
Rafharheraf: "Yes, take one. At least your mission to conquer Tamriel wasn't a complete failiure... You did, after all, manage to get some firearms."
Fargoth: "Indeed. Weapons of mass destruction. Muahahahaha!"
Rafharheraf: "Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth: "Hey... That's my evil laugh!"
Rafharheraf: "Is it copyrighted?"
Fargoth: "Well... No."
Rafharheraf: "In that case, you can't complain if I use it. Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth: "You're one really big meanie!"
Rafharheraf: "Tell me about it."
I did not believe that I could have remained myself should I have been captured by the necromancer. The terrible torment that he would have released upon me had I been captured would have been simply unbearable. Never had I met such an evil person. But... What if Creeper had been captured by him? Or what if Creeper was about to be captured? Should I have abandoned my friend in the hour of his greatest need? I could not abandon him... I had to save him. So I returned to the room where I had encountered the unknown necromancer.
Sinder Velvin: "Hello, again."
Rafharheraf: "Ah, you have returned. Well, I forgot to introduce myself the last time that we met. I am the dark lord Rafharheraf. And you are?"
Sinder Velvin: "My name is Velvin. Sinder Velvin. And, by the way, you have a pretty... Uncommon name."
Rafharheraf: "It is uncommon because it is special. And it is nice to finnaly meet you. That imbecile Fargoth has told me all about you."
Sinder Velvin: "If you hate Fargoth so much, why do you tolerate him?"
Rafharheraf: "Well, frankly, I'm just waiting to see who kills him first. Quite a fun game, if I can say so myself."
Sinder Velvin: "You are one evil guy."
Rafharheraf: "Why, thank you."
Sinder Velvin: "How come I found Fargoth in the first place that I looked for him?"
Rafharheraf: "Coincidence, of course."
Sinder Velvin: "So, what have you done to my friend?"
Rafharheraf: "What friend are you referring you?"
Sinder Velvin: "My friend, Creeper. He's a scamp."
Rafharheraf: "Ah, that one. My evil servants have already taken him to my new tower."
Sinder Velvin: "New tower?"
Rafharheraf: "If I remain in this tower, I could be defeaten. That is not something that I want to happen, so me and my army are relocating to another tower, this time to the far east. We're taking Creeper with so that we can use him as a hostage in case you eventually find our new hideout."
Sinder Velvin: "That's not good news. Anyway, what are your evil plans to rule the world?"
Rafharheraf: "Hahahahaha! Why should I tell them to you!?
Sinder Velvin: "It's tradition."
Rafharheraf: "I think you mean 'clich�'."
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, it's a clich�. Are you going to tell me your evil plans to rule the world or not?"
Rafharheraf: "Sorry, Dark Elf, but I hate clich�s. Even though I insist that the actions of my minions are full of clich�s."
Sinder Velvin: "Why do you want the actions of your minions to be full of clich�s?"
Rafharheraf: "It's amusing. Well, it's been nice chatting with you, but I have to go now. I have to create a chain of events that will make me rule the world. Goodbye."
Sinder Velvin: "Wait a minute... Where do you think you're going?"
Rafharheraf: "To my new tower, of course."
Sinder Velvin: "Not if I can stop you."
Rafharheraf: "And how do you plan to stop me?"
Sinder Velvin: "By force of arms."
Rafharheraf: "Well, in that case, have fun with my minotaur."
Sinder Velvin: "What minotaur?"
Rafharheraf: "He's right behind you."
Suddenly, I received a very powerful blow from behind my back.
Rafharheraf: "Have fun! Muahahahaha!"
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away...
Officer: "Your highness, it would appear that, every several hours, the portal changes the planet to which beings taken through it are transported to."
Emperor Palpatine: "This is an interesting discovery. Do you have any idea where Vader is?"
Officer: "We can see where he was taken to by the portal, but we cannot know if he is still on that planet. For all we know, he might have later found another portal to another planet."
Emperor Palpatine: "I want you to wait until the portal can send you where Vader went to. And, after that, I want a battalion of storm troopers to go through that portal."
Back to Cyrodiil, in the dungeon under the necromancer's tower, the minotaur was kicking my spotted owl. He had disarmed me and I had lost my sword, so I could not defend myself very well. After hitting me several times with his claws, the minotaur grabbed me and threw me to the other side of the room. He started running towards me and he tried to impale me with his horns, but I ducked at the right time and he accidentally hit the wall. While the minotaur was stunned, I managed to find my sword and I tried decapitate him with the help of the new fighting system that had been implemented in the game, but the minotaur dodged my hit. He grabbed me and tried to kill me, but I tickled him and he burst in an uncontrollable laughter. Because he was now defenseless, I killed him easily. With the minotaur dead, I left the dungeon, in search of the new tower of the necromancer. I was just about to activate the fast travel map when the game's final boss came to me with his army of Daedra.
Sinder Velvin: "Hello, Mr/Ms Final Boss. It's nice to meet you."
Final Boss: "Greetings. Why did you call me 'Mr/Ms'? Do you not know my gender?"
Sinder Velvin: "Well, of course I know your gender. I just don't want to reveal who you are, because, if I revealed who you are, I would spoil the game for those who haven't played it yet."
Final Boss: "Alright. But how do you know that I am the final boss?"
Sinder Velvin: "You are the leader of these Daedra, so I just assumed that you are also the final boss."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Don't assume anything. You never know what might happen in the end."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok... But Todd Howard said that you were the leader of the Daedra and the final boss of the game."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Is that what he said? He probably said that because he wanted you to be surprised when you encountered some unexpect plot twist that revealed the fact that I was not, in fact, the final boss. Either that or I'm truly the final boss of the game."
Sinder Velvin: "Since you've come all this way to me, I suppose that you want to ask me something."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Yes, I want to ask you something. Do you know where I can find Fargoth?"
Sinder Velvin: "He's gone to his master's new tower somewhere in the east."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Wait... He has a master? Ah, but of course. He couldn't have been the one pulling the strings. What is his master's name?"
Sinder Velvin: "Rafhar... something. I didn't memorize it."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Very well, Player. I shall now go with my army in search of Fargoth and his master. If we meet again at the game's ending, you will probably die. No hard feelings, alright?"
Sinder Velvin: "Uh... alright..."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Farewell."
Sinder Velvin: "Bye."
The one who was presumably the final boss of the game departed together with his army. After his/her/its (no spoilers here...) departure, I decided to go the nearest city and ask a scout to help me locate the new tower.
Scout: "So, there's a very new tower to the east that you want to find?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes."
Scout: "I have some bad news for you."
Sinder Velvin: "And what might those be?"
Scout: "A total of twenty towers have been built to the east recently."
Sinder Velvin: "WHAT!? Twenty?"
Scout: "The Emperor also wants to find this Fargoth. Perhaps you should go to him and tell him all that you know about this Bosmer outlaw."
Sinder Velvin: "Alright. Thanks for your help."
Scout: "Hey, no tip?"
Sinder Velvin: "Ah, sorry, Here's are some gold pieces for you."
Scout: "Just five gold!? You cheapskate Dark Elf!"
Sinder Velvin: "That's a lot where I come from."
Scout: "Bah... I was expecting several thousand gold from a 'wealthy and prosperous' adventurer."
Sinder Velvin: "You weren't really very helpful, you know. Goodbye."
Scout: "Goodbye... you cheapskate..."
After a few days of travelling, I reached the Imperial City and requested an audience with the Emperor.
Emperor's Guard: "I am sorry, but the Emperor is currenty unavailable."
Sinder Velvin: "Tell him who I am."
Emperor's Guard: "What will that change?"
Sinder Velvin: "The Emperor knows me."
Emperor's Guard: "Yeah, good for you. But the Emperor is currenty unavailable."
Sinder Velvin: "He will become available when he finds out who I am."
Emperor's Guard: "Are you deaf? The Emperor is currently unavailable."
Sinder Velvin: "He's available."
Emperor's Guard: "No, he's not."
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, he is."
Emperor's Guard: "No, he's not."
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, he is."
Emperor's Guard: "No, he's not."
Sinder Velvin: "YES, HE IS!"
Emperor's Guard: "NO, HE'S NOT!"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Hey, Jim, what's up with all the noise?"
Jim The Emperor's Guard: "It is nothing, your highness. Just an idiotic Dark Elf who is requesting an audience with you. But do not worry... I shall kill him."
Emperor of Tamriel: "What's the name of the Dark Elf?"
Jim The Emperor's Guard: "Seendar Veilvine."
Sinder Velvin: "My name is 'Sinder Velvin', you moron! Not 'Seendar Veilvine'!"
Jim The Emperor's Guard: "Well, who gives a damn?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Sinder Velvin? Let him in."
Sinder Velvin: "See, Jim? I told you that he would become available."
Jim The Emperor's Guard: "Bah..."
I entered the Emperor's chambers.
Emperor of Tamriel: "Greetings, Sinder. We meet once again."
Sinder Velvin: "Hello. Just so you know, I still haven't forgotten what you did. I don't like people who constantly change sides."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Well, I had a good reason."
Sinder Velvin: "What reason?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "You see, a lot of villains stick to clich�s. And there's one clich� by which all bad guys gone good have to die sometime during the storyline. Since I care for my life, I have to be good for a while, then bad again, then good again, then bad again. You understand, don't you?"
Sinder Velvin: "Hmm... I guess so."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Now, why did you request an audience with me?"
Sinder Velvin: "I understand that you've placed a bounty on Fargoth's head."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Yes, that is true."
Sinder Velvin: "I do not want the bounty. I just want to rescue my friend Creeper from Fargoth's master. Would you like to know about Fargoth's master?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "No, the creature who is presumably the game's final boss has already told me about Fargoth's master. He told me everything that you told him."
Sinder Velvin: "You two have some sort of alliance?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Yes. Even though the creature that is presumably the game's final boss has been a bad boy/girl/thing, I believe that Fargoth and Fargoth's master should be the number one priority."
Sinder Velvin: "Do you know where Fargoth's master, the necromancer, is?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "I do. He and his Bosmer minion have moved to a tower to the east and are gathering troops for some sort of scheme. I do not know what his plans are, but I know that he will become much more powerful with the passing of time. That is why tomorrow my army and the army of Daedra will attack him."
Sinder Velvin: "But your army can't be very large... After all, there are less than 1000 NPCs in the whole game."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Only the NPCs that have names are counted. None of the guards, with the exception of my own personal guard Jim, have names. And there's a lot of guards in Cyrodiil. Have you ever murdered an entire village and returned the next day? Everybody was dead except for some guards, but you knew very well that you had killed all the guards in the village. So, what happened?"
Sinder Velvin: "What happened? They respawned?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "There is no such thing as 'respawn'... Other guards came from the Imperial City. There are thousands of guards just in this city."
Sinder Velvin: "So, how large is your army?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "I have two thousand soldiers."
Sinder Velvin: "And they are all guards?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Yes."
Sinder Velvin: "And are they all the guards in the game?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Yes."
Sinder Velvin: "Who will guard the other NPCs while the guards are away? You know how advanced Radiant A.I. is... Who knows what might happen while the army is away?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Every single NPC in the game will go to the battlefield, even if that NPC won't actually fight in the battle. So all the NPCs are coming. If the NPCs were left at their homes without any guards to maintain order, there would be an indescribable chaos."
Sinder Velvin: "Uh... Every single NPC in the game is going to come to the battlefield. Don't you think that they will get wounded? Or killed?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Certain risks must be taken. And, anyway, what am I supposed to do?"
Sinder Velvin: "You could leave some guards at home. You don't have to take all of them to the battle."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Hmm... Perhaps. But there would have to be at least more than one guard in every village. Your average village does not have more than three people, so it's really quite a shame to have to use two guards to guard three people. You know what I'll do? I'll leave a hundred guards in the Imperial City and I'll have every single NPC in the game that won't take place in the battle to be brought to the Imperial City. Yes, yes... That's an excellent plan."
Sinder Velvin: "Where is this battle taking place, by the way?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "In front of the necromancer's tower. The tower is to the east."
Sinder Velvin: "And how did you manage to find out the exact location of the tower?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "We have a secret C.I.A. agent working undercover for the necromancer."
Sinder Velvin: "A Central Intelligence Agency agent!?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "No, a Cyrodiil Imperialistic Alternative agent."
Sinder Velvin: "Who is the agent?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "007."
Sinder Velvin: "WHAT!? James Bond!?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "No, silly. James Bundy. His grandfather was a shoe salesman."
Sinder Velvin: "Anyway, about the battle, who's going to lead your troops?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "I will lead them, of course. And I suppose that you would like to come along, yes?"
Sinder Velvin: "Of course. I already said that I wanted to come along."
Emperor of Tamriel: "That is good. Well, go and get some sleep in the barracks... You will need to be well rested for the battle."
Meanwhile, in the necromancer's tower...
Rafharheraf: "I bow before you, my lord."
Emperor Palpatine: "Hello, Sir Rafharheraf. I understand that you are a friend of the Galactic Empire."
Rafharheraf: "Yes, your highness. I am glad that you are going to conquer this planet. It needs a wise ruler like yourself."
Emperor Palpatine: "You will certainly be of assistance to me. My right hand, the dark Jedi Darth Vader, came to this planet two weeks ago and I have not heard from him ever since. Do you know anything of his fate?"
Rafharheraf: "I believe that he was captured by the ruler of this kingdom, the fool that mocks you at his every step by calling himself 'the Emperor'."
Emperor Palpatine: "I shall cleanse this land of his foolishness soon enough."
Rafharheraf: "I am glad that you could come here by yourself, your highness. It is the greatest of honors to fight alongside you, my dark liege."
Emperor Palpatine: "How many troops does this false Emperor have?"
Rafharheraf: "No more than two thousand men. And perhaps several hundred beasts."
Emperor Palpatine: "These men... Are they savages?"
Rafharheraf: "They fight with iron and steel swords."
Emperor Palpatine: "Hahaha! This was just supposed to be a search mission to find Vader, so I did not bring more than ten thousand men with me. It was never my intention to conquer this planet, but, now that I have discovered how savage they are, I believe that I should conquer it. It cannot possibly take more than several days."
Rafharheraf: "You are right, my lord."
By the next morning in the Imperial City, the army of the Emperor of Tamriel was ready to leave the city.
Emperor of Tamriel: "We shall go now."
The Nerevarine: "Hey, Sinder, it will be pretty boring to walk all to the necromancer's tower. But you've never been to the tower, so you can't fast travel to it using the fast travel map. However, you can go the caravan in the Imperial City and ask the Breton there to take you to the tower. Caravans in this game work just like the silt striders in Morrowind, you know."
Sinder Velvin: "Alright, thanks for the advice."
I went to the caravan and travelled to the necromancer's tower. The screen faded out and a progress bar showed how many hours of the journey I had travelled so far. After a few seconds, the screen faded in and I found myself in front of a... volcano. A volcano that looked a little too much like Red Mountain. I looked around and saw that the army of the Emperor of Tamriel was nearby.
Sinder Velvin: "Greetings."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Hello."
The Nerevarine: "Hello, Sinder."
Sinder Velvin: "Can I ask you a question?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Sure."
Sinder Velvin: "Why the hell is a volcano here? THERE ARE NO DAMN VOLCANOS IN CYRODIIL!"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Let me quote one of the developers: 'Anything strange in the game is probably there because of modders. Also, any problems that you have with the game are probably due to modders'."
Sinder Velvin: "But I don't have any mods activated."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Let me quote more of that developer's words: 'If you don't have any mods activated, your problem is due to your video card. If you think that your video card is fine, you're wrong. All the problems with the game are due to your video card.'"
Sinder Velvin: "So, that volcano is there because I have a problem with my video card!!??."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Yes."
Sinder Velvin: "That's really not a good explanation. It's not a good explanation at all."
The Nerevarine: "The fact that you don't like an explanation doesn't make that explanation bad."
Sinder Velvin: "Right..."
The Nerevarine: "Hey, Emperor, I still haven't forgotten the fact that you tried to kill me."
Emperor of Tamriel: "I already told you why I tried to kill you. I would have died if I kept being a bad guy turned into a good guy. So I had to become a bad guy turned into a good guy that was turned into a bad guy."
The Nerevarine: "Ok, ok. But just don't turn into a bad guy again. And, by the way, when are we going to attack the tower? And who the hell are those soldiers in white uniforms that appear to be absolutely everywhere?"
Sinder Velvin: "Those... Those are storm troopers."
Emperor of Tamriel: "What are storm troopers?"
Sinder Velvin: "Soldiers with firearms. Laser firearms."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Their presence here is bad, right?"
Sinder Velvin: "Very bad for us. And how do you explain their presence, huh? Yet another problem with my video card?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Hey, I was just quoting a developer."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Who the hell are those guys in white uniforms?"
Sinder Velvin: "They are very dangerous bad guys."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Gather the men. Tell them to prepare for the greatest battle of their lives."
Sinder Velvin: "And the last battle of their lives, too."
Five minutes later.
Emperor of Tamriel: "As you can see, the guy in the black cloak who appears to be the white guys' boss has approached, while his army has not. I believe this to be a diplomatical gesture, therefore I shall go to him and talk to him. It will be just a chat between two generals before a great battle."
Sinder Velvin: "Break a leg."
Emperor of Tamriel: "You want me to break a leg? Why, I'll have you arrested for treason!"
Sinder Velvin: "'Break a leg' is synonymous with 'good luck'."
Emperor of Tamriel: "Ah, alright. I'm sorry for threatening you... I'm just a little frightened."
Sinder Velvin: "No harm done."
The emperor of Tamriel approached Emperor Palpatine.
Emperor of Tamriel: "Hello."
Emperor Palpatine: "Greetings. You are the one who calls himself 'the Emperor', yes?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Yes, I am the Emperor."
Emperor Palpatine: "No, you are not, impostor! I am the Emperor!"
Emperor of Tamriel: "You must be mistaken. I am the Emperor."
Emperor Palpatine: "I have had enough of your defiance. Prepare to die!"
Palpatine started using the force to choke the emperor of Tamriel.
Emperor of Tamriel: "Ugh... You know... Great leaders don't... Kill by themselves... Great leaders make other people kill who they want to kill... Argh... Great generals use their armies to fight each other."
Palpatine released the emperor of Tamriel from his grip.
Emperor Palpatine: "You are right. I shall have my army kill you."
Emperor of Tamriel: "What? But..."
Emperor Palpatine: "Men, kill this impostor!"
Emperor of Tamriel: "Well... A few last words, if I may?"
Emperor Palpatine: "Men, don't kill this impostor yet. Kill him a minute from now."
The emperor of Tamriel turned towards me and the Nerevarine.
Emperor Palpatine: "What did I tell you that bad guys that become good guys have to die?"
He then turned towards Palpatine.
Emperor of Tamriel: "My lord, I apologize for not telling you truth from the start."
Emperor Palpatine: "Truth? What truth?"
Emperor of Tamriel: "I am a friend of your empire, my lord. I became the ruler of these people to be able to lead them into this ambush. If they find out that I have betrayed them, their morale will be shattered."
Emperor Palpatine: "You are right... Good plan. It is always nice to find friends of the Galactic Empire on backwater planets. Well, go and tell them that you have betrayed them."
The emperor of Tamriel turned towards us.
Emperor of Tamriel: "I'm sorry, men, but I have to go play cards with this guy while you die. Farewell."
Emperor Palpatine: "So, what do you prefer? Blackjack or poker?"
The men were pretty upset when they found out that their ruler had betrayed them. But Jim, who had been the Emperor's personal guard, encouraged them to fight. He said that he would lead them into battle.
Presumably The Final Boss: "I have a plan, Sinder and the Nerevarine, my moronic friends. I shall leave my army of Daedra under the command of my lieutenant while I sneak with you into the tower of the necromancer."
The Nerevarine: "Why should we sneak into the tower?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "My guess is that the necromancer brought these storm troopers here. He can probably send them back to where they came from."
Sinder Velvin: "Good plan. Eh... Doesn't this upcoming battle look a little like the Battle at Red Mountain?"
The Nerevarine: "Not at all, Sinder. That was a battle that took place between a bunch of barbarians and a bunch of very dangerous atheists that had very advanced technology and weaponry. And it took place on the fields in front of a volcano. And some people sneaked into the enemy's base. I do not see how the upcoming battle will resemble the Battle at Red Mountain."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Yeah, neither do I."
Sinder Velvin: "Eh..."
The Nerevarine: "Ok, no more talk. Let's do this muffins."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Muffins?"
Sinder Velvin: "He didn't say muffins. The auto-censor censored what he said."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Alright."
A few seconds later, Palpatine came out of his spaceship.
Emperor Palpatine: "Men, why are you standing there like idiots? Attack, you morons!"
The battle began. On one side were the soldiers of Cyrodiil and some dangerous Daedra. On the other side were skeletons, zombies, wizards and storm troopers. The side we were on had no hopes of winning unless we did something. So we tried to sneak into the tower. Sure, it wasn't easy, as we had to fight through a lot of enemies and we also had to face a horrible frame rate (gigantic battles on games with high system requirements are never good). When we had finnaly reached the tower's gate, a bunch of storm troopers came from behind, but the creature who was presumably the final boss killed them using his/her/its special power.
Sinder Velvin: "Nice special power."
Presumably The Final Boss: "How do you know that it's a special power?"
Sinder Velvin: "It's not?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Hey, the deal was to not say anything that would hint at my identity, right?"
Sinder Velvin: "Uh... Yes."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Because this is supposed to be spoiler-free."
Sinder Velvin: "Yes."
Presumably The Final Boss: "So don't say anything that would hint at my identity."
Sinder Velvin: "Okay."
We realized that there would be no point in knocking on the door so we just bashed the door open. The tower's layout was identical to the layout of the tower to which I had already been, so it was not hard for me to find one of the tunnels that led underneath. We climbed down the stairs and entered the necromancer's underground dungeon, where we fought several skeletons. Eventually, we found a very large stone door with inscriptions on it. I had a deja-vu, since I had already seen this before in the other tower.
Rafharheraf: "Greetings, enemies. How are you?"
Sinder Velvin: "We are fine."
Rafharheraf: "Good. But are you sure that you will remain fine? Muahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "Did you steal that laugh from Fargoth or did he steal it from you?"
Rafharheraf: "Hey, it was not copyrighted, so nothing was stopping me from using it. It wasn't exactly a theft."
Presumably The Final Boss: "So, necromancer, what are your evil plans to rule the world?"
Rafharheraf: "Why should I tell you?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Hey, I'm an evil villain myself, so I know how evil villains act like. They tell the good guys all about their plans."
Rafharheraf: "But, if I told you, wouldn't that make you a good guy?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "I'm just good for the sake of the greater evil."
Rafharheraf: "Hahaha... You can't even believe how many times I've heard that. Well, okay, I'll tell you all about my evil plans."
The Nerevarine: "We will finally know what the hell is going on."
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter