Part 2
Rafharheraf: "I initially tried to use Fargoth to make the Daedra fight between themselves. You see, some of the Daedra would have despised and wanted to kill Fargoth, while some of the Daedra would have remained loyal to Fargoth.
Sinder Velvin: "Why did you want to kill the army of Daedra?"
Rafharheraf: "To remove my primary competition for the domination of Tamriel."
Sinder Velvin: "Why didn't you just ask the One to destroy the army of Daedra?"
Rafharheraf: "I never had the One in my plans because he was way too unpredictable. Sure, he appeared to obey Fargoth's orders, but for how long would he have continued to do so? He would have surely become independent eventually... And, then, nothing could have stopped him. So, frankly, I'm quite glad that you had the One disabled by Todd Howard. Anyway, I told Fargoth not to get involved with the One, but he wouldn't listen. Things eventually turned out well for me, though. I punished Fargoth for his disobedience and now he follows all my orders without objection. Since Plan A hadn't worked, I moved on to Plan B, which I had made just in case something went wrong with Plan A."
The Nerevarine: "Tell us about Plan B."
Rafharheraf: "Several years ago I acquired a powerful Dwemer machinery that had the power to create gates to other universes. To other... stories. I recently used this Dwemer machinery to trick Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine's lackey, into coming to our world. The plan was to have him get captured by the Tamriellic Empire for manslaughter, but Sinder transported Darth Vader to another universe. He did not foil my plans, however, as I still managed to make Palpatine come here."
Sinder Velvin: "I don't know if you have an answer to this question, but why did Darth Vader help me when I first met him? I was fighting some bandits that Darth Vader helped me defeat."
Rafharheraf: "Oh, I just took the necessary steps to make Vader think that those bandits were enemies of the Galactic Empire. He did not intend to help you by killing them."
The Nerevarine: "Why did you want to bring Palpatine here?"
Rafharheraf: "To make him bring his army and defeat both the army of Daedra and the army of the Tamriellic Empire."
Presumably The Final Boss: "But, if Palpatine wins, won't he rule this world?"
Rafharheraf: "Well, you see, I can always use the Dwemer machinery to make all of these characters return to their original stories. When Palpatine wins, I'll use the machinery to make him return to his universe."
Sinder Velvin: "If you only really wanted to bring Darth Vader to this world, why did you also bring other characters here?"
Rafharheraf: "I brought those other characters here accidentally. See, I had never used the machinery before so I didn't know what... uh... certain buttons did."
Sinder Velvin: "Hmm... How are you able to bring characters from other stories into this game if they are not coded into the game?"
Rafharheraf: "I don't understand the question."
Sinder Velvin: "Let's say that I want to make a mod for the game that features a robot. I can't just write the word 'robot' and have a robot appear in a spot all by itself. Since there are no robots in the game, I must first make a robot mesh. After making the robot mesh, I must animate it. After animating the robot, it's a good idea to make some textures for the robot's mesh. After I've made the textures, it's a good idea to make some sounds for the robot. After I make some sounds for the robot, I have to go to the TES Construction Set, create a new type of creature called 'robot', select its mesh, its animations and its sounds and to set its attributes, skills, abilities, inventory, health points, magicka, etcetera. Then I have to place it somewhere in the game world. None of these steps were done on the seven dwarves, the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood, Santa Claus, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, the storm troopers or the Emperor's spaceship. If none of these steps were done on the seven dwarves, the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood, Santa Claus, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, the storm troopers or the Emperor's spaceship, how is it possible that they exist?"
Rafharheraf: "What the hell are you talking about?"
The Nerevarine: "Don't worry, necromancer. Most of what Sinder says is just balderdash."
Rafharheraf: "I blame all the inconsistencies in my plans on modders."
Sinder Velvin: "But I don't have any mods activated!"
Rafharheraf: "Well, you should get some. There's some really good ones out there, from what I hear."
The Nerevarine: "Wait a minute here... The NPC that thought it was Todd Howard was created by a mod. Sinder, if you don't have any mods, how is it possible that the guy existed in the first place?"
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, ok, I have two mods, one which added the first Fargoth that I killed with the toothpick and one that added the NPC that thought it was Todd Howard, an NPC currently refered to as 'the One'."
Rafharheraf: "See, what did I tell you that modders are at the root of all bad things?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, blame it all on the modders... Hmph. Well, I'm telling you that neither one of those mods adds a volcano, seven dwarves, a wolf, Santa Claus, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, an army of storm troopers and a spaceship to the game."
Rafharheraf: "They just want you to think that those mods don't add that stuff to the game. It's a huge conspiracy, I tell you."
Sinder Velvin: "Who's they?"
Rafharheraf: "I'm sorry, but I can't say. You should ask Gordon Freeman when you see him around."
Sinder Velvin: "Why did you say that modders are the root of all bad things?"
Rafharheraf: "The original saying is 'modders are the root of all evil'. But I'm the root of all evil, so I said that modders are the root of all bad things. 'Bad' as in 'unpleasant'."
The Nerevarine: "Alright, we know your plans now, necromancer. What next?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Yes, what next?"
Rafharheraf: "Well, could you please rate my evil plans to conquer and rule the world? Here are three pieces of cardboard and three black markers. You should each take a piece of cardboard and a black marker and write down your score for my evil plans. And, like they do at the Olympics, you should raise your piece of cardboard and show me what score you give me."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Ok, I give you an 8 for trying. After all, you did manage to assasinate me and make Fargoth seem like he was the culprit."
Rafharheraf: "Wait a minute... How did you know that?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "You look pretty evil and Fargoth is a wuss. From this, I can deduce that you had me assasinated."
Rafharheraf: "Hmm... You're a pretty intelligent villain temporary good guy."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Thanks."
The Nerevarine: "I give you a 5 for the fact that you keep Fargoth as your minion."
Rafharheraf: "Ah, well, at least I tried to find a decent minion."
Sinder Velvin: "You only get a 6 from me for the fact that you can't explain how a volcano, seven dwarves, a wolf, Santa Claus, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, an army of storm troopers and a spaceship appeared in the game."
Rafharheraf: "You are very unfair, Sinder. Unfairness leads to nastiness. Nastiness leads to being disliked. Being disliked leads to necromancy."
Sinder Velvin: "Wasn't it 'Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering'?"
Rafharheraf: "Of course it wasn't. So, I am very disappointed with the scores that you have given me. Next time I try to conquer the world, I'll try to make a better plan."
Presumably The Final Boss: "You do that."
Rafharheraf: "And, now, it is time for all of you to die. Muahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, I'm really frightened."
Rafharheraf: "That's good to hear."
Sinder Velvin: "I was joking. I hear that way too often to actually be frightened."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Necromancer, there's three of us and each of us is pretty tough. I don't think that you can kill us all by yourself."
Rafharheraf: "But who said that I was alone?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Uh, I said that."
Rafharheraf: "Well, you were wrong. I have Fargoth to aid me."
The Nerevarine: "Where is he?"
Rafharheraf: "Oh, he's right behind you. He's pointing a gun at you."
Fargoth: "Yep. I got this gun from Santa Claus and I'm pointing it right at the Nerevarine."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Ok, so there's you and Fargoth. We can still take you on."
Rafharheraf: "I realized that would be the case, so I used my Dwemer machinery to bring a little... friend. I present to you, the original Terminator!"
The Terminator: "I must kill Sarah Connor."
Sinder Velvin: "This is getting really strange, really fast."
The Nerevarine: "Sinder, tell me about it."
Rafharheraf: "Hey, Terminator, do you say that male/female/neutral creature that is presumably the final boss of this game?"
The Terminator: "Yes."
Rafharheraf: "Well, he/she/it is Sarah Connor."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Why do I have to be Sarah Connor!?"
The Terminator: "Thank you for the tip. Sarah Connor, I have something to tell you."
Presumably The Final Boss: "What is it, Arnold? I mean... Terminator."
The Terminator: "Asta la vista, baby!"
The Terminator shot the one who was presumably the final boss of the game with his shotgun.
Presumably The Final Boss: "Ouch, that hurt."
The Terminator: "Hey, Sarah Connor didn't die!"
Rafharheraf: "Terminator, that's because of the 'Principle of Selective Lethality'. You see, the lethality of a weapon varies on the situation. A single arrow might kill a cookie-cutter NPC, but it will take a dozen to kill a character that is critical to the plot. This is always obvious in movies."
The Terminator: "Ok. I will shoot Sarah Connor with arrows."
Rafharheraf: "No, you idiot. Shoot Sarah Connor with your shotgun a dozen times!"
The Terminator: "Alright."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Damn this Terminator..."
I started fighting the necromancer Rafharheraf, while the Nerevarine was trying to make Fargoth to put his gun down and while the creature that was presumably the game's final boss tried to destroy the Terminator.
The Nerevarine: "Fargoth, I know that we've had some misunderstandings, but we can get over the past. Right?"
Fargoth: "No... I am no longer the foolish Fargoth that you know me as. None can deceive me now!"
Fargoth shot the Nerevarine in the leg.
The Nerevarine: "That hurt. But I can't die."
Fargoth: "You can die now, Nerevarine."
The Nerevarine: "No, I can't. I'm protected by prophecy."
Fargoth: "Not any more! I made the One modify the lore so that you are no longer protected by prophecy."
The Nerevarine: "Damn you!"
The Nerevarine took a ring from his pocket and put it on his finger, after which he cast a healing spell on himself.
Fargoth: "You healed yourself, huh?"
The Nerevarine: "Yes."
Fargoth: "Wait a minute... Whose ring is that?"
The Nerevarine: "This, my enemy, is the one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Fargoth: "That... That is the ring of healing with my family heirloom!!! I've been searching for it ever since somebody found my hiding spot... Wait a minute. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STOLE MY RING!!!"
The Nerevarine: "I found it and I gave it to you, after which I stole it from you."
Fargoth: "Why, you bastard! It was you all along... DIE!!!"
Fargoth tried to shoot the Nerevarine twenty times, but he only actually shot the Nerevarine two times. How come? Well, as you probably very well know from movies, villains are lousy shots. And Fargoth was ordered by Rafharheraf to stick to clich�s, so that's why Fargoth missed the Nerevarine so many times. But two times were enough for the Nerevarine to fall to the ground.
The Nerevarine: "What? I'm dying!? Doesn't the 'Principle of Selective Lethality' apply in my case?"
Fargoth: "Apparently, not. Muahahahaha!"
Fargoth tried to shoot the Nerevarine again but he was out of bullets. The Nerevarine took this opportunity to try to run, so he went through several chambers and eventually managed to get to a cave that had a bridge over a pit full of lava.
The Nerevarine: "I'm very wounded and tired. You're a weak dumb little Bosmer. Underneath us is a lake of lava. Let's do some wrestling and see who wins. Just remember that the Precious is mine."
Fargoth: "No! It's my Precious! Give me my Precious!"
The Nerevarine: "Ach, sss! Cautious, my precious! More haste less speed. We musstn't rissk our neck, musst we, precious? No, precious."
Fargoth: "It's ours, it is, and we wants it. We wants it! He musstn't hurt Preciouss. Give it to Fargoth, yess, give it to us! Give it to uss!"
The Nerevarine: "Come and getss it!"
Fargoth jumped on the Nerevarine like a rabid dog and managed to disarm him/her and throw his/her weapon into the pit. The Nerevarine punched Fargoth, but Fargoth bit off the finger on which the Nerevarine had the ring. Although he/she was in pain, the Nerevarine kicked Fargoth off the bridge, and the Bosmer fell in the lake of lava, finding his fiery doom.
The Nerevarine: "The noble seamstress is dead. The ring of power is no more."
During this time, the one who was presumably the game's final boss had disarmed the Terminator and was now kicking his spotted owl. He/she/it was, after all, presumably the game's final boss. Because I don't want to spoil your fun by making you realize who the game's final boss might be, I can't possibly tell you how the one who was presumably the game's final boss managed to defeat the Terminator. Sorry.
The Terminator: "I'll be back."
Presumably The Final Boss: "No, you won't. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California now - he doesn't have any time for any movies."
The Terminator: "I shall return from the future and kill you one day!"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Good for you. But now it's time to go 'boom'."
The one who was presumably the final boss of the game took the Terminator's shotgun and used it on the Terminator himself. The nearly indestructible Terminator fell to the ground, after which it exploded.
Presumably The Final Boss: "Now, that's what I call 'blown out of proportion'! Haha!"
Meanwhile, the necromancer was throwing a lot of spells at me. Very dangerous ones, too.
Rafharheraf: "What is it, Sinder? Can't you resist my spells? Am I too powerful?"
I was constantly being attacked with blindness spells and fireballs. I had never seen anybody able to cast so many spells so fast before... Rafharheraf was truly a powerful wizard.
Rafharheraf: "I've never understood why you are a wizard that uses melee weapons. But, once you're dead, it won't matter anymore."
Sinder Velvin: "You want to see some spells? Alright..."
I started casting a spell of shock, but the necromancer managed to interrupt my spell.
Sinder Velvin: "Whoa, wait a minute! You can interrupt someone else's spell! This is not Dungeons and Dragons!"
Rafharheraf: "You're right, this isn't Dungeons and Dragons. But this isn't Morrowind either. Didn't the developers say that they were going to make changes to the magic in the game?"
Sinder Velvin: "You can now interrupt spells?"
Rafharheraf: "Yes."
Sinder Velvin: "How?"
Rafharheraf: "When you bought the game, it came with a manual and a cool paper map. Right?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes. But what does that have to do with anything?"
Rafharheraf: "Can you read?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, of course I can read."
Rafharheraf: "Read the manual."
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, great advice."
Rafharheraf: "Now, where were we? Oh, yes, I was killing you."
Rafharheraf once again started casting fireballs at me. However, I saw a fire extinguisher in one of the corners of the room that we were in.
Sinder Velvin: "I will now be able to block your spells, not interrupt them. Like Fargoth used to say before the Nerevarine killed him, muahahahaha!"
Rafharheraf: "Wait a minute... How do you know that the Nerevarine has killed him? They are fighting at the same time as we are."
Sinder Velvin: "Well, seeing as the Nerevarine is a pretty tough guy/gal and that Fargoth is a wimp, it's not hard to deduce that, if he hasn't died already, Fargoth will die eventually."
Rafharheraf: "Right."
I took the fire extinguisher and managed to extinguish the necromancer's fireballs.
Rafharheraf: "That's quite an original way of fighting a wizard. But I can always cast frost bolts at you!"
When I heard that, I ran next to the necromancer and used the fire extinguisher on him.
Rafharheraf: "What the hell are you..."
The necromancer coughed.
Rafharheraf: "What the hell are you doing?"
Sinder Velvin: "Killing you."
The necromancer grabbed my fire extinguisher, threw it on the floor and then punched me.
Rafharheraf: "Why the hell were you freezing my balls?"
Sinder Velvin: "I was freezing your balls?"
Rafharheraf: "By 'balls' I mean 'fireballs'!"
Sinder Velvin: "Ah, thanks for the clarification. I was freezing them because I wanted to block them."
Rafharheraf: "You're talking about the fireballs, right?"
Sinder Velvin: "Of course!"
Rafharheraf: "Anyway, I'm going to have to kill you for once and for all."
The one who was presumably the final boss and the Nerevarine approached.
Presumably The Final Boss: "Hey, Sinder, I've already killed my baddie. Why haven't you killed yours?"
The Nerevarine: "Bah... I barely killed mine."
Presumably The Final Boss: "You actually had problems defeating Fargoth?"
The Nerevarine: "That's just because he shot me. Anyway, have you ever noticed how 'Fargoth' sounds a lot like 'Faggoth'? Hahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "Stop using bad words."
The Nerevarine: "Sinder is right, you know. We should never mention the word 'Fargoth' again! Hahahaha!"
Fargoth: "Why did you say that I am a cathedral?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "A cathedral is a building. How could you ever possibly be a cathedral?"
The Nerevarine: "He didn't actually say the word 'cathedral'. The auto-censor censored what he said."
Rafharheraf: "That's it! I'm going to kill you all!"
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, how come Fargoth is still alive?"
Fargoth: "I am protected by prophecy, so I can't die. I made the One change to lore to make me immortal."
The Nerevarine: "WHAT!? You stole that from me! Why, I'm going to kick your..."
The Nerevarine once again started fighting Fargoth.
Rafharheraf: "Enough! Final boss, you know that you'll eventually have to face Sinder, right?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Yes, I know that. But how do you know that I am the final boss?"
Rafharheraf: "Presumably, you are the final boss."
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, because I can't call you by your real name (remember: no spoilers here), how should I call you? Can I call you 'Presumably'?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "Okay."
Rafharheraf: "I have a remote control right here. With a really large red button. Do you know what this button does?"
Sinder Velvin: "Of course not."
Rafharheraf: "It triggers a script that makes Presumably think that you've reached the final boss battle. And, seeing as he/she/it is the final boss, Presumably will attack you."
Presumably The Final Boss: "You can't know for sure that I am the final boss! ANYBODY COULD BE THE FINAL BOSS!"
Rafharheraf: "You have a point, Presumably. Well, all that matters is that this button will make you attack Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "That's bad."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Bah! I have enough willpower to be able to resist the script."
Rafharheraf: "Nobody resists the script."
The necromancer pressed the button.
Presumably The Final Boss: "A voice in my head is telling me... TO KILL SINDER VELVIN! KILL SINDER VELVIN! KILL SINDER VELVIN! KILL SINDER VELVIN!"
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, that's not fair!"
Rafharheraf: "If you mess with evil guys like me, you have to expect me to mess back with you. Muahahahaha!"
Presumably came and started attacking me. He/she/it was incredibly dangerous and might have used either melee attacks or ranged attacks on me. It might also be possible that Presumably used both melee and ranged attacks on me. After that, Presumably used his/her/its special ability (if he/she/it has one) on me. The fight was long and Presumably almost defeated me. When I realized that I could not beat Presumably, I took the remote control from the necromancer (who was looking at the fight with great interest) and I pressed the red button. Presumably stopped attacking me and left the room.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, what happened?"
Rafharheraf: "Oh, nothing much. You made Presumably think that he/she/it has to bring his/her/its army in order to defeat you."
Sinder Velvin: "Damn you, necromancer!"
I pressed the red button again.
Sinder Velvin: "What now?"
Rafharheraf: "Presumably just became twice as dangerous."
I destroyed the remote control.
Sinder Velvin: "And now?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "I think that destroying the remote control made the script stop."
Rafharheraf: "I at least managed to hurt Sinder Velvin. Muahahahaha!"
Presumably The Final Boss: "I just wanted to let you know that there soon won't be any guards or Daedra left in Cyrodiil. We have to make those storm troopers disappear."
Rafharheraf: "And how will you do that?"
Sinder Velvin: "Necromancer, we will torture you until you do what we want you to do."
Rafharheraf: "How will you torture me?"
Sinder Velvin: "I plan to beat you up until you tell us everything."
Presumably The Final Boss: "I'll cut your fingers one by one until you tell us what to do."
Rafharheraf: "Bah... That's nothing compared to what I will do to you when I capture you."
Sinder Velvin: "And when do you think that you will capture us?"
Rafharheraf: "After I summon a lot of tough characters from several stories, characters that I will force to fight you."
Sinder Velvin: "Why didn't you just bring an endless army of monsters from the very beginning?"
Presumably The Final Boss: "I believe that he needs to use a lot of his power to bring just a single character, and, seeing as he's brought a lot of characters to this world, I don't think that he'll be able to call any other characters here for a long while."
Rafharheraf: "Indeed, there is a limit to the characters that I can bring to this world. And I can't bring any more right now."
Sinder Velvin: "In that case, why did you say that you would bring characters from other stories to capture us?"
Rafharheraf: "I was just stalling. You see, if I manage to keep talking to you for another five minutes, the army of storm troopers will win the battle. And, with no one to stop from conquering the world, I will easily conquere it. None will stop me. Muahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "Let's kill him."
Rafharheraf: "I am quite powerless right now, since I've used a lot of my power to bring these storm troopers here. But I can still summon one tough guy to defend me."
Presumably The Final Boss: "Who?"
Rafharheraf: "I call the greatest wizard of all times to my aid!"
Sinder Velvin: "Gandalf?"
Rafharheraf: "No. Harry Potter."
Harry Potter appeared in front of us.
Sinder Velvin: "Harry Potter isn't the greatest wizard of all times!!!"
Rafharheraf: "I was just joking, of course."
Harry Potter: "Where am I? Who are you?"
Rafharheraf: "Oh, he's a little confused. Harry, if you want to get back to Hogwarts, you're going to have to kill the Dark Elf and the other guy/gal/thing."
Sinder Velvin: "Harry, don't listen to him! He's Voldemort."
Presumably The Final Boss: "As if Harry could even scratch us."
Rafharheraf: "Harry, attack them!"
Harry Potter: "I don't even know who you are. I'm not going to attack anybody."
Rafharheraf: "What a disappointment. In that case, Harry, I want your wand."
Harry Potter: "What? I'm not giving you my wand."
Rafharheraf: "Too bad. Ok, I just have a little more to stall now."
Sinder Velvin: "We must stop him!"
Rafharheraf: "Although I might not have any more magicka, I still have a lot of spell scrolls."
Sinder Velvin: "If I kill you, you won't get to rule the world!"
Rafharheraf: "I won't rule the world, but Emperor Palpatine will."
Sinder Velvin: "Damn."
The Nerevarine, who we thought had been fighting Fargoth, came into the room.
The Nerevarine: "Hey, guys, I made Fargoth join us."
Fargoth: "Yeah. I realized that I hate Rafharheraf, so I decided to help you."
Rafharheraf: "Hmm..."
Fargoth: "But I want one thing from you guys."
Sinder Velvin: "What, Fargoth?"
Fargoth: "I don't want to remain in this world. I want to go with Emperor Palpatine and become a dark Jedi."
We all started laughing.
Fargoth: "What's so funny?"
Sinder Velvin: "You? A dark Jedi?"
Fargoth: "Yes."
Rafharheraf: "Enough, I'm going to kill you all now! Muahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "Necromancer, you've already said that a dozen times today."
Rafharheraf: "I know. But I'm serious this time."
The necromancer took a scroll from his backpack and cast an incredibly strong frost spell on everyone except Fargoth. We were all frozen.
Rafharheraf: "Muahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "I really hate this guy."
Fargoth: "Why didn't you also cast the spell on me?"
Rafharheraf: "Because you are an idiot, Fargoth. And, because you are an idiot, you didn't realize what you were doing."
Fargoth: "Hey, man, I've betrayed you! I have betrayed you! I'm not on your side."
Rafharheraf: "IF YOU DO NOT JOIN ME, I SHALL FORCE YOU TO WATCH THE FINAL FANTASY MOVIE TEN TIMES EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! IT SHALL BE THE GREATEST PUNISHMENT THAT ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE WILL HAVE EVER FACED!!! SUBMIT OR LOSE YOUR SOUL FOREVER!!!"
Fargoth: "No! I shall not be your minion any longer!"
Rafharheraf: "Then you shall suffer."
The necromancer cast a shock bolt on Fargoth, but Fargoth managed to dodge the spell.
Rafharheraf: "How did you dodge it?"
Fargoth: "I learned some tricks from the One. Anyway, it's time to kick your spotted owl. But, first, some music."
The song 'Breathe' by 'the Prodigy' started playing in the background.
Rafharheraf: "Show me what you've got!"
Fargoth and Rafharheraf both knew martial arts, so the battle between them was very interesting. Eventually, Fargoth managed to knock Rafharheraf down, after which he unfreezed us.
Rafharheraf: "The battle outside is almost over now."
Fargoth: "No, it's not. Guys, I know how to use the Dwemer machinery to make the storm troopers leave this world. But I need some help. Hey, Nerevarine and final boss, come with me. Sinder and Harry, make sure that Rafharheraf doesn't go anywhere."
Sinder Velvin: "Don't worry... The necromancer is staying right here."
Twenty seconds later.
Rafharheraf: "It won't really matter if Fargoth manages to take those storm troopers back to their own world. The battle is almost over anyway. The damage has already been done, you see."
Suddenly, a soldier from the army of the Tamriellic Empire appeared behind me.
Soldier: "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"
I turned towards the soldier.
Sinder Velvin: "We're trying to make sure that this necromancer does not leave the room."
Soldier: "What necromancer?"
I checked to see if the necromancer was still in the room and I realized that he had gone.
Sinder Velvin: "DAMN!!!"
Soldier: "Hey, chill out, man. Relax."
Sinder Velvin: "Harry, where did the necromancer go? Uh... Harry? Damn, he took Harry with him."
I looked at the soldier.
Sinder Velvin: "Shouldn't you be outside fighting?"
Soldier: "Fighting what?"
Sinder Velvin: "The enemy!! The storm troopers!"
Soldier: "We stopped fighting an hour ago."
Sinder Velvin: "WHAAAT!? Why?"
Soldier: "We realized that there was no point to continue fighting. You see, both of our emperors are bastards, so we decided to defy them by not fighting any more."
Sinder Velvin: "And didn't Palpatine get upset?"
Soldier: "Oh, he probably doesn't even know that we've stopped fighting. He's probably too busy playing cards with Crassius Curio."
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah... I still can't believe that Crassius Curio became the emperor of Tamriel."
Soldier: "Me neither."
Sinder Velvin: "This would mean that the necromancer's plans are foiled."
Soldier: "Indeed."
Sinder Velvin: "I ought to go and find him anyway."
I went to the room with the Dwemer machinery and I found Presumably, Fargoth, the Nerevarine, Harry and Creeper on the ground. Rafharheraf had a gun in his hand.
Creeper: "Hello, boss."
Sinder Velvin: "Hello, Creeper."
I looked towards Rafharheraf.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, necromancer, your plans are foiled once again. The two armies have stopped fighting each other."
Rafharheraf: "In fact, they just started fighting each other again. Now I just have to wait about an hour until they kill themselves."
Sinder Velvin: "You know, that's going to be very boring."
Fargoth: "Hey, Sinder, do you see that lever on the left? If you manage to pull that one, the storm troopers will disappear."
Rafharheraf: "But if he tries pulling that lever, I will shoot Creeper."
Sinder Velvin: "Fargoth, if you're protected by prophecy, why don't you pull the lever?"
Fargoth: "I'm a character from another story now, so the prophecy stuff doesn't apply."
Sinder Velvin: "You're a character from another story now?"
Rafharheraf: "He tinkered with the machine and made himself a Star Wars character."
Sinder Velvin: "That's very interesting. So, what am I supposed to do?"
Rafharheraf: "You could always do what I want you to do. Wait for another hour and then I will be able to conquer and eventually rule the world."
Sinder Velvin: "No, thanks."
That's when the necromancer shot me in the shoulder.
Rafharheraf: "Don't mock me, please."
Sinder Velvin: "That hurt. But I still want to defeat you."
Rafharheraf: "And I still want to shoot you."
The necromancer tried to shoot me again, but I ducked.
Sinder Velvin: "Harry Potter, cast the spell 'Wingardium Leviosa' on his gun!"
Harry Potter: "Wingardium Leviosa!"
The gun started floating in the air.
Sinder Velvin: "Creeper, put on some cool music."
Creeper: "Sure thing, boss."
The song 'Smack My Noble Seamstress Up' by 'the Prodigy' could now be heard in the background.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, there's no song called 'Smack My Noble Seamstress Up'!"
Creeper: "The original title of the song contains a certain word that is considered swearing."
Sinder Velvin: "Alright, then."
Rafharheraf tried to jump in order to get back his gun.
Sinder Velvin: "Presumably and the Nerevarine, please beat him up for me."
Presumably The Final Boss: "With pleasure."
While they were beating up Rafharheraf, I pulled the lever.
Sinder Velvin: "What's going to happen now?"
Fargoth: "In a ten seconds, every single character that is in the wrong story will be taken to its own story. That includes me."
Sinder Velvin: "We are never going to meet again, Fargoth?"
Fargoth: "Never. Farewell."
Fargoth suddenly disappeared, and so did the storm troopers, the Emperor's spaceship, Emperor Palpatine and Harry Potter. The seven dwarves, Darth Vader and the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood were taken to their own stories.
Sinder Velvin: "Your days are over, Rafarferhaf, or whatever your name is."
Rafharheraf: "My name is Rafharheraf! And no, my days are not over yet."
Sinder Velvin: "They aren't? You know, we're very upset with you. We might kill you."
The necromancer, who had been cuffed, managed to release himself from his cuffs and took the gun that had fallen on the floor with the disappearance of Harry Potter.
Rafharheraf: "I don't think that you're going to kill me while I have the gun."
Sinder Velvin: "You're pretty much right about that."
Rafharheraf: "Now, even though both Plan A and Plan B went wrong, there's always Plan C. Critical to the succes of Plan C is that I kill you."
Rafharheraf shot me in the torso.
Creeper: "Noooo!"
I fell to the ground...
The Nerevarine: "Kill the necromancer!"
Rafharheraf also shot the Nerevarine and Presumably, after which he used a recall spell on himself.
Creeper: "Medic! We need a medic! In fact, we need three medics!!!"
Healers were brought to us and we were healed. We all survived. But Rafharheraf had escaped and was once again up to no good. I swore that I would track him down and end his days, and my friends, Creeper and the Nerevarine, said that they would help me as much possible. However, Presumably said that he would not be able to track down Rafharheraf because he/she/it would have to gather a new army for the Daedra Princes. You see, the old army of Daedra had become a little too... small. Anyway, I left the temple where I had been staying in order to get healed and set off with Creeper on a new adventure. We were supposed to meet the Nerevarine at an inn that was outside of the town we were in, but we encountered the dragon outside of the town.
Sinder Velvin: "What the hell is this dragon doing here?"
Dragon: "H3ll0, d00d. 1 4m 73h m16h7y |)r4g0n 4n|) 1 4m v3ry u9$37 7h47 1 4m n07 4n 1m90r74n7 k4r4k73r 1n 7h1$ $70ry."
Creeper: "What did he say?"
Dragon: "4$ 1 w4$ $4y1ng 1 4m v3ry u9$37 7h47 1 4m n07 4n 1m90r74n7 k4r4k73r 1n 7h1$ $70ry. 73ll m3 why 4m 1 n07 4n 1m90r74n7 k4r4k73r."
Sinder Velvin: "I haven't got a clue as to what the hell he's saying."
Dragon: "|)0n7 b3 4 l4m3r. 4n$w3r my 0u3$710n."
Creeper: "I think he's asking for something."
Dragon: "1 w4n73|) p30pl3 70 ph34r m3. 1 w4n73|) 70 b3 0n3 0f d4 k3wl dr4g0nz. Y0u t00k 7h47 4w4y fr0m m3 by n07 4dd1ng m3 4$ 4 k4r4k73r. 0k y0u d1d 4dd m3 4$ 4 k4r4k73r 1n 73h f0ur7h 4nd f1f7h $70r1z. 1 4pp34rz0r 1n 7h3m 4s 4 k4r4k73r bu7 1 h4d $m4ll wu$$y r0l3$. 7h47 w4$ n07 k3wl 4nd 17$ n07 k3wl 7h4t y0u d1dn7 4dd m3 4s 4 k3wl k4r4k73r 1n 7h1$ $70ry. Y0u kn0w wh47? 1 w1ll k1ll y0u t3h n3x7 71m3 w3 m337. Y34h r3v3ng3 w1ll b3 $w337."
The dragon flew away and we started wondering what he had said. Later on, we found out from the Nerevarine that the dragon had spoken in l33t speak. Anyway, we spent several days at the inn, after which we began our search for the necromancer. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away...
Interviewer: "Hello, Mr. Vader. Could we ask you a few questions?"
Darth Vader: "Alright. But make them quick."
Interviewer: "Where have you been for the last few weeks?"
Darth Vader: "I was on another planet, in a city called Neverwinter. I initially liked the city, but then I became annoyed and decided to murder all its inhabitants. Strangely enough, however, the children were completely invulnerable. Nothing that I did to them could even wound them."
Interviewer: "Very odd. Are you upset that you are no longer Emperor Palpatine's right hand?"
Darth Vader: "Yes, I am very upset. I hate the new guy that is the Emperor Palpatine's right hand."
Interviewer: "What was his name again?"
Darth Vader: "I believe that his name is Darth Fargoth. He laughs like a moron every ten seconds, says that his greatest love of all times was his magical ring and he tells everybody that he is about to become very close with them. I can't stand him anymore! I think I'm going to commit suicide."
Interviewer: "Good luck, Mr. Vader."
Darth Vader: "Thank you. Now, please, leave me to my sorrow."
In the Imperial City, Cyrodiil, Tamriel.
Interviewer: "So, your highness, why did you betray your men?"
Crassius Curio: "I did not betray my men in the Battle at Necromancer Mountain. I just went to play cards with the enemy. I believe that it was a gentlemanly gesture."
Interview: "We believe you."
Crassius Curio: "Good. If you didn't believe me, you would have had to be escorted by the guards in the prison."
In the country formerly known as Finland, in Santa Claus' dark castle.
Interviewer: "Greetings, my dark liege Santa Claus."
Santa Claus: "Hello. Would you like to drink some blood?"
Interviewer: "No, thank you. We are here for the interview."
Santa Claus: "Ah, the interview. Ask your questions and I shall answer."
Interviewer: "Could you please tell us what is the source of your evil powers?"
Santa Claus: "Of course, of course. Do you see this ring? This is the one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. This is the source of my powers."
Interviewer: "How did you acquire it? And when?"
Santa Claus: "Several months ago, I volunteered to use my magical sledge to transport the Fellowship of the Ring to Mount Doom. Our quest was to destroy this magical ring, which Frodo, one of the Fellowship's members, had. Eventually, each one of us started to desire the ring for himself, so we began to fight between ourselves for the ring."
Interviewer: "You fought between yourselves on the sledge?"
Santa Claus: "Yes, on the sledge. Because we were very high in the sky, everybody that fell from the sledge died."
Interviewer: "Who fell from the sledge?"
Santa Claus: "Everybody except me and Frodo, the one who had the ring. Because I also wanted the ring, I landed with the sledge in a clearing and demanded the ring from Frodo. He did not want to give it to me, so I took a pistol from my magical bag and shot him. I then took the ring from his corpse."
Interviewer: "What happened next?"
Santa Claus: "I fought with the ring wraiths who wanted to take the ring from me. Eventually, I was teleported back home for unknown reasons."
Interviewer: "What manner of things lie in your bag?"
Santa Claus: "In the old days, when I used to bring gifts to children, I had a lot of toys and a lot of sweets in my bag. I also had several firearms, for my own personal protection. Nowadays, there are no more toys and sweets in the bag. Just firearms, explosives and chemical weapons."
Interviewer: "From what I understand, you used to have a lot of elves as your servants. Why do you now have goblins and orcs?"
Santa Claus: "Elves are sissies. They are no good at conquering the world. But goblins and orcs are very well-suited to this kind of task."
Interviewer: "The first country that you conquered was Finland, right?"
Santa Claus: "Yes. I lived in it, so of course it was the first I conquered."
Interviewer: "Why did you change the name of Finland to 'Mordor'?"
Santa Claus: "Because 'Mordor' reminds me of my adventure in Middle Earth."
Interviewer: "How did you manage to conquer half of the world so quickly?"
Santa Claus: "As you might know, the one ring has power over all the other rings of power. Well, I brought lesser rings of power to all the children in the world on Chirstmas. I used my one ring to control the minds of the children that had received lesser rings of power as Christmas gifts. I made the children facilitate my conquering of the world."
Interviewer: "What did you make them do?"
Santa Claus: "I made them plant bombs all over the world."
Interviewer: "Why did you build a castle in Finland... I mean... In Mordor?"
Santa Claus: "Castles are cool. I just wanted a dark castle so I built myself one."
Interviewer: "Also, I remember hearing you say the other day that you no longer wish to be called 'Santa Claus'. How would you like to be called?"
Santa Claus: "My name from now on shall be 'Satan's Close'."
Moderator: "Sorry, but religion and politics are not allowed on these forums. For this reason, this thread shall be locked."
Interviewer: "But this is not a thread. This is an interview."
Moderator: "Who gives a damn what it is? When I say that it's locked, it's locked!"
Santa Claus: "Say, Mr. Moderator, did you get a lesser ring of power for Christmas?"
Moderator: "No."
Santa Claus: "Would you like one?"
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter