Chapter 6; On the First day of Christmas

We had reached the end of yet another adventure. But what is the point of adventuring? Loot, of course.

Sinder Velvin: "Santa, open your bag or I'll open it for you!"

Santa Claus: "Never!"

Sinder Velvin: "Alright, you asked for it. Creeper and Tartanius, grab him!"

Tartanius: "I'm not adventuring with you, Sinder. Why should I do what you ask me to do?"

Sinder Velvin: "Sorry, my bad. Creeper, grab Santa!"

Santa Claus: "Nobody is grabbing me!"

Santa opened his bag and took a revolver from it. He pointed the revolver towards me.

Sinder Velvin: "Oh, come on, Santa! You don't have to take it personally. I was just joking!"

Santa Claus: "Nobody threatens me, you understand? Nobody!"

Sinder Velvin: "Ok, ok. Just put the gun down..."

Santa Claus: "I won't shoot you, Dark Elf. But I can promise you that you won't get anything for Christmas this year!"

Santa put on a jetpack and flew away from us.

Sinder Velvin: "So... no loot!"

Creeper: "Yep. No loot."

Tartanius: "And no knowledge gained, either. You let the dwarves leave!"

Sinder Velvin: "Uh... I had a reason, Tartanius."

Tartanius: "What reason?"

Sinder Velvin: "I told them to get Kagrenac and come back here. Kagrenac would be able to answer a lot of your questions."

Tartanius: "Hmm... Good thinking!"

Sinder Velvin: "Thanks."

Tartanius: "Please send me an e-mail when the dwarves come back."

Sinder Velvin: "NPCs have e-mail?"

Tartanius: "They did, in Morrowind. I suppose they have e-mail in Oblivion, as well."

Creeper: "Just the NPCs of playable races had e-mail in Morrowind."

Sinder Velvin: "You're both crazy. Did you know that?"

Creeper: "No, we're not. We're serious."

Sinder Velvin: "How could NPCs possibly have e-mail!?"

Tartanius: "I guess that I have to explain everything to you, now. I was actually hoping that you wouldn't be a newbie."

Sinder Velvin: "I'm not a newbie!"

Tartanius: "Right, right. Anyway, if you did a crime in Morrowind, everybody in the game world was instantly aware of your actions. How do you think they all became aware of your actions?"

Sinder Velvin: "One NPC sent e-mails to all the other NPCs telling them what I had done!?"

Tartanius: "Exactly."

Sinder Velvin: "Well, there's Radiant A.I. in Oblivion, so I don't think that this bug remains."

Tartanius: "It was not a bug... It was a feature."

Sinder Velvin: "Right. Well, since I can't contact you by e-mail, I will have to track you down once the dwarves return. Don't worry: it won't be too hard. There's less than 1000 NPCs in the game now."

Creeper: "I thought there were more."

Sinder Velvin: "The dragon killed a part of them."

Creeper: "Ah, right."

Tartanius: "Alright, I have to leave. I've got a bus to catch."

Sinder Velvin: "Bus?"

Tartanius: "Uh... I mean boat. Later."

And thus he left and I was left alone with Creeper.

Sinder Velvin: "So, what now, Creeper?"

Creeper: "Boss, we need to find Santa Claus and force him to give us a lot of loot."

Sinder Velvin: "Good idea. Let's find a city and ask the people there where to find Santa."

Creeper: "Alright, even though I don't think it will work."

I activated the fast travel map and went to the nearest city. Once I had reached my destination, I approached an NPC.

Sinder Velvin: "Greetings there, Mrs. NPC. Could you please tell me where to find Santa Claus?"

Jamie: "Hmm... How does he look like?"

Sinder Velvin: "Well, he's got a beard, a red suit and a huge bag. And he's fat."

Jamie: "Is he a Daedra?"

Sinder Velvin: "Uh... no."

Creeper: "Chief, I don't think they've heard of Santa Claus. Maybe that's because they don't celebrate Chirstmas."

Jamie: "That's a scamp, isn't it?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yes..."

Jamie: "Oh no! The Daedra are invading! Run for your lives! Ruuuuunnnn!"

The NPCs fled the city.

Creeper: "You know, that's called racial discrimination."

Sinder Velvin: "Right. Anyway, I think that we should just wander around aimlessly until we bump into him."

Creeper: "Yeah, great plan. Too bad the landmass is so much larger in Oblivion than it was in Morrowind."

Sinder Velvin: "We'll find him eventually..."

Meanwhile, somewhere deep beneath the ground.

Warlock: "My lord, the Dark Elf is searching for your associate."

Dark Figure: "He is, isn't he? I hate adventurers... They always defeat us bad guys. I hate clich�s."

The Nerevarine: "There needn't be any clich#233;s this time around. We can be original."

Dark Figure: "I haven't forgiven you yet, Nerevarine. I still remember what you did to me."

The Nerevarine: "It's not my fault that I have had so many identities. But, you know, not all my identities have wanted to kill you."

Dark Figure: "Anyway, why the heck are we still hiding in here? We've a got a gigantic army that we could use to take on the whole Empire! What's the point in hiding?"

Warlock: "My dark liege, you know that we evil folks are forced to adhere to the storyline of the game. We can't come to the player - the player has got to come to us."

Dark Figure: "I didn't get in this position by waiting for the storyline to follow its course. I got here by changing the storyline altogether. All that remains for me to do now is to kill the player! Muahahaha!"

The Nerevarine: "But he is very well armed... Are we prepared?"

Dark Figure: "If he managed to kill you, that doesn't mean that he will manage to kill me!"

The Nerevarine: "I didn't die. I just thought I had died."

Dark Figure: "Anyway, even if he, somehow, stands a chance against me, he cannot defeat my army all by himself! And he cannot defeat the One, either! Muahahaha!"

The Nerevarine: "Hmm... You are quite evil."

Dark Figure: "Why, thanks. You're pretty evil, too."

The Nerevarine: "Yeah, thanks."

Warlock: "What about me? Am I not evil?"

Dark Figure: "Of course you're evil... In a pathetic sort of way! Muahahaha!"

Warlock: "I don't need this muffins from you, you gentleman and a scholar!"

Dark Figure: "Thanks for calling me a gentleman and a scholar! I appreciate it!"

The Nerevarine: "You know, he didn't actually call you 'a gentleman and a scholar'. The auto-censor censored what he said."

Dark Figure: "Really? What did he say, then?"

The Nerevarine: "I'm not allowed to say. It's too rude."

Dark Figure: "Well, in that case, he must die for insulting me! Muahahaha!"

Now, back to my own adventure. I had been exploring the landmass and fighting beasties for several days. At night, I would look at the stars and be amazed at how cool the sky was. One morning, I woke up and Creeper was nowhere to be found.

Sinder Velvin: "Hey, Creeper, I know you give me the creeps but I want to know where you are."

I soon realized that he was not nearby, so I decided to use a detect creature spell. To my surprise and bewilderment, the map said that there were a whole lot of creatures in a valley nearby. Since this was very strange, I decided to check with my own eyes to see if there were actually so many creatures there. What I saw was a gigantic army of Daedra. A few weeks earlier, I had fought a lot of Daedra in a town, but those were just scouts. This was the real army and the invasion was beginning.

Sinder Velvin: "Holy cow..."

I had not not thought that any of members of that army could hear me, but I was terribly wrong.

The Nerevarine: "What is it, the One? What did you hear?"

The One: "I think... I think I heard the player!"

The Nerevarine: "So... the plan worked! Where is he?"

The One: "He is... there!"

The man with sunglasses that was wearing a black coat pointed towards me.

The Nerevarine: "Ah, we meet again, Sinder Velvin. I was certain that kidnapping your friend would lure you to us."

Sinder Velvin: "What? Wait a minute... Weren't you dead?"

The Nerevarine: "I thought I was dead, but it would appear that I am protected by prophecy. I can't die."

Sinder Velvin: "Right... And who's the guy with the sunglasses?"

The Nerevarine: "He is the One."

Sinder Velvin: "Sure he is..."

The Nerevarine: "Anyway, there's no point in chatting. Daedra, please capture the Dark Elf."

Sinder Velvin: "I'll never understand why villains insist on capturing the good guys. Why don't they just kill them?"

The Nerevarine: "I think you should ask my master that. I don't have anything against capturing you and killing you after capturing you. So, without further to say, I am now going to ask the Daedra to capture you."

I could not run, as they were too fast. I was caught, blindfolded and taken to a dungeon somewhere underneath the earth. When my blindfold was finnaly taken off, I could see that I was in a gigantic room with really nice pillars. Next to me was Creeper. On the other side of the gigantic room was a throne on which sat an undistinguishable figure in Daedric armor. Next to the figure was the Nerevarine, the guy in the black coat and... Santa Claus. The man on the throne was saying something, but I could not understand what.

Sinder Velvin: "Excuse me, but could you please talk a little louder?"

Creeper: "Yeah, I can't hear anything."

This time, the voice was stronger, but I could still not understand what it was saying.

Sinder Velvin: "A little louder, please."

It was still not loud enough.

Sinder Velvin: "No, seriously, I can't understand what you are saying. Why don't you come here?"

A microphone was brought by one of the Daedra to the man on the throne.

Dark Figure: "Can you hear me?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, it's much better now."

Dark Figure: "What did you say?"

Sinder Velvin: "It's much better now."

Dark Figure: "I'm sorry - could you please repeat that?"

Sinder Velvin: "Argh... Somebody give me a damn microphone!"

I was given a microphone.

Dark Figure: "So, what were you saying?"

Sinder Velvin: "I was saying that I could hear you much better."

Dark Figure: "Oh, ok. Do you like how I've decorated this place?"

Sinder Velvin: "Sure. It doesn't look very evil, though."

Dark Figure: "It doesn't look evil, does it? Does it at least look cool?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yes, I could say that it looks pretty cool."

Dark Figure: "How old are you?"

Sinder Velvin: "Uh... 25 years old."

Dark Figure: "Do you like cake?"

Sinder Velvin: "Sure."

Dark Figure: "Do you listen to 'The Beatles'?"

Sinder Velvin: "Sometimes."

Dark Figure: "Would you like some icecream?"

Sinder Velvin: "You know... You're not really acting like a villain right now."

Dark Figure: "What's your favorite flavor of icecream?"

Sinder Velvin: "Vanilla. Now, why the hell are you asking me all these questions?"

Dark Figure: "I like to know who I'm fighting. What is your favorite animal?"

Sinder Velvin: "I like cats. But, seriously, how will this information help you?"

Dark Figure: "Trust me: it will. So, which is better: Sprite or 7-Up?"

Sinder Velvin: "Uh... This doesn't make any sense."

Dark Figure: "Ok, so you can't decide. How often do you shave?"

Sinder Velvin: "Stop these questions! You're behaving unvillainishly!"

Dark Figure: "I AM BEHAVING UNVILLAINISHLY!? DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT VILLAINS!? I AM THE GREATEST VILLAIN OF ALL TIMES! THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANY WHO HAVE DONE DEEDS AS EVIL AS MINE! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Sinder Velvin: "Hmph..."

Dark Figure: "Ok, now it's time to tell you all about my evil plans."

Sinder Velvin: "I expected that. It's what all villains do."

Dark Figure: "Are you implying that this is a clich#233;?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yes."

Dark Figure: "Guards, kill him!"

Sinder Velvin: "Whoa... You can't do that!"

Dark Figure: "Why not? I'm the villain, right? I can do whatever I want!"

Sinder Velvin: "Just as long as you act like a villain! Killing me without tell me about your plans is just... cruel."

Dark Figure: "Well, I like being cruel."

Sinder Velvin: "But, if you tell me all about your plans, I'll die with a feeling of hopelessness! I'll feel much worser when I die!"

Dark Figure: "You've got a point. Guards, don't kill him just yet."

Creeper: "Phew."

Dark Figure: "First of all, I would like to present to you my right hand: the Nerevarine!"

Sinder Velvin: "We've already met."

The Nerevarine took the microphone from the dark figure.

The Nerevarine: "Just remember, folks: you mess with me and you mess with Azura! Peace out."

The dark figure took the microphone.

Dark Figure: "Second of all, I would like to present my good friend, the One!"

Sinder Velvin: "Who the hell is the One?"

Dark Figure: "He is the only one that can shape the Matrix."

Sinder Velvin: "I think you're quite crazy."

Dark Figure: "I prefer the word 'mad'."

Sinder Velvin: "There's no Matrix here!"

Dark Figure: "Sure there is. You just don't know it yet. And now, I would like to present Santa Claus, my associate!"

Santa Claus took the microphone from the man on the throne.

Santa Claus: "Hohohoho! You've been a bad boy, Sinder Velvin, and now it's time for you to be punished!"

The dark figure took back the microphone from Santa Claus.

Dark Figure: "Anyway, I'm the end boss, and you're here, so I guess that it is now time for Oblivion's main quest to end for once and for all!"

Sinder Velvin: "Wait a minute, here! I haven't even been following the main quest!"

Dark Figure: "It was boring having to wait for you to reach the end of the main quest, so I decided to speed things up a bit."

Sinder Velvin: "That's not fair!"

Dark Figure: "Muahahahaha! It's not fair? Well, who are you going to complain to?"

Sinder Velvin: "Who are you?"

Dark Figure: "Ah, I knew that you were eventually going to ask that question. Well, I am known under many names... Most people refer to me as "the Dark One", as I am really evil. Anyway, we've met before. And now it is finnaly time for me to have my revenge on you! Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "We've met before?"

Dark Figure: "Yes, we have. And you killed me!"

Sinder Velvin: "Then... How come you're still alive?"

Dark Figure: "You killed me back in Morrowind. You didn't kill me in Oblivion."

Sinder Velvin: "You are... Dagoth Ur!?"

Dark Figure: "Of course I'm not that loser! I am someone much more dangerous... and powerful."

Sinder Velvin: "Vivec?"

Dark Figure: "That wuss? Not a chance!"

Sinder Velvin: "I give up. I have absolutely no clue who you are."

Dark Figure: "I am the first person you ever met when you came to Vvardenfell..."

Sinder Velvin: "Jiub? The Dark Elf prisoner?"

Dark Figure: "No, no, no! I am the one who had lost the Ring of Power... One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Sinder Velvin: "You're Frodo?"

Dark Figure: "No, I'm not Frodo... I'm Fargoth! Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "Dear God, no... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This is just too much to bear..."

Creeper: "Boss, I'm scared... Please hold me!"

Sinder Velvin: "But, Fargoth... Didn't I kill you already?"

Fargoth: "The Fargoth that you killed in Oblivion a while ago was not me. It was a fake Fargoth that had been added to the game by a modder."

Sinder Velvin: "And you haven't been added to the game by a modder?"

Fargoth: "No, I'm an easter egg."

Sinder Velvin: "So... if you're an easter egg, how come you're the end boss?"

Fargoth: "I was never planned to be the end boss. But I eventually became powerful enough to defeat the end boss and take his place. So, now, I am the end boss! Muahahahaha!"

Creeper: "Radiant A.I. is pretty advanced."

Fargoth: "Why, thank you, scamp. Say, would you like to join my army?"

Creeper: "No way."

Fargoth: "Quite a disappointment. Well, don't worry... I'll have you killed soon enough."

Sinder Velvin: "If you're Fargoth, who's the One?"

Fargoth: "Do you remember the NPC that thought he was Todd Howard, so that's why he had godlike powers?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yes."

Fargoth: "I made him understand that he is not, in fact, Todd Howard. When he heard that, he thanked me for telling him the truth and decided to use his godlike powers to help me rule the world."

Sinder Velvin: "But I thought he had godlike powers just because he thought he was Todd Howard..."

Fargoth: "Apparently, he has found a way to keep his godlike powers even though he knows he is not Todd Howard. Basically, he can use the Construction Set in real time to modify almost everything. He can shape the Matrix."

Sinder Velvin: "Aren't you upset on the Nerevarine as well? I believe that a lot of his identities killed you."

Fargoth: "I've forgiven him because he didn't have any free will. He's just a character. You, on the other hand, are a player, so you deserve to die."

Sinder Velvin: "You won't get away with changing Oblivion's storyline."

Fargoth: "What will you do about it? Huh?"

Creeper: "Send a complaint to the developers!"

Sinder Velvin: "Great idea, Creeper!"

Fargoth: "Darn... Guards, get them!"

Sinder Velvin: "It's not gonna work, Fargoth. I'm going to press the 'escape' button and freeze time!"

I saved and exited the game, after which I decided to send an e-mail to Bethesda Softworks telling them what had happened. I eventually got a reply from Mr. Todd Howard himself:

"Yes, I'm afraid that the Radiant A.I. is sometimes too advanced to be controlled. Before I can fix your problem, I have to see what's going on with my own eyes. Even though I'm a little reluctant to help you (after all, you did write those horrible Oblivion parodies a long time ago), I'm going to give it a try. As you might know, right now we're working on a sequel to Redguard that is called The Eye of Argonia. This game will use the same engine as Oblivion and have multiplayer. Because they have the same engine, we could probably take The Eye of Argonia's multiplayer and make it available for Oblivion. If the game will have multiplayer, I will be able to come and 'fix' your game. But don't you think that we'll release this to the general public: we're only doing this so I can fix your game and so that we can test the Eye of Argonia's multiplayer. This is the only time we're doing this! There will be no multiplayer for Oblivion for the general public!"

I installed the "Oblivion Temporary Multiplayer Patch" that I had received from Mr. Todd Howard, started my game and made a server using a pre-existing save. Once again, I found myself in the gigantic room with Creeper by my side and the madman Fargoth on the other side of the room.

Fargoth: "I see that you've returned."

Sinder Velvin: "And I've brought help!"

Fargoth: "What help? Where?"

Suddenly, Mr. Todd Howard materialized behind my back.

Todd Howard: "Interesting situation."

Fargoth: "The real Todd Howard! One of my creators! I have to say, Mr. Todd Howard, that you are the greatest person ever! Can I please call you 'daddy'?"

Todd Howard: "No, you may not. Why have you ruined the storyline of Oblivion?"

Fargoth: "I haven't ruined it... It was horrible! It made it much better!"

Todd Howard: "It was horrible? Why, you little weasel... I could strangle you right now!"

Fargoth: "Hey, that's no way of talking to your son!"

Todd Howard: "I'm not your father!"

Fargoth: "If you tried to strangle me, my guards would kill you!"

Sinder Velvin: "Threatening to kill your creator is an incredibly evil thing. But threatening to kill Todd Howard? That's just the most despicable thing I've ever heard."

Fargoth: "Well, I am evil! Muahahahaha!"

Todd Howard: "Fargoth, because you've been so rude, I'm going to ban you now."

Fargoth: "You're going to ban me? Mr. Todd Howard, even if you ban me, my Empire of Eternal Darkness will still survive! There is no way that you could ever possibly ban every Daedra in my nearly endless army! If I was banned, my army of Daedra would capture you and the new leader of my Empire of Eternal Darkness would force you to do his bidding! None can defeat me now! I am unbeatable! Muahahahaha!"

Todd Howard: "You're right... There's too many to ban... And I would be captured before managing to ban a lot of creatures. Well, because of that, I call the moderators of the Official Forums to aid me!"

Nobody appeared.

Fargoth: "Muahahahaha! Where are your precious moderators now, Mr. Todd Howard? Muahahahaha!"

Todd Howard: "What have you done to them? Speak!"

Fargoth: "I have connections, Mr. Todd Howard. Your precious moderators cannot come to your aid because they are being kept busy by a thousand flamers on the Official Forums! You did not really think that I would be unprepared, did you? Muahahahaha!"

Todd Howard: "Damn you, Bosmer!"

Suddenly, Freddo appeared next to Todd Howard.

Freddo: "Where is my help required?"

Todd Howard: "Freddo, it's good to have you here! Quickly, use the almighty Banhammer on Fargoth and his army!"

Freddo the moderator threw the enchanted Banhammer at Fargoth, but the One used his powers on the Banhammer and made it hit Creeper instead. Creeper disappeared.

Sinder Velvin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Not my friend!"

Fargoth: "Now you know what true evil is! Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "Freddo, is there any way to get him back?"

Freddo: "I don't think that NPCs can be unbanned... I am sorry for your loss."

Suddenly, I received an e-mail.

Sinder Velvin: "Wait just a minute, guys. I just received an e-mail."

Todd Howard: "Take your time."

I found a strange e-mail from Creeper in my inbox:

To: Sinder Velvin
From: Creeper
Subject: Remove the ban
Date: 23 Dec 2006 19:37:59 +0000

Hy, Sinder!

I just wanted to ask to please make Freddo remove his ban on me. Please...

-Creeper

I went back to the game.

Sinder Velvin: "Hey, Freddo, I just received an e-mail from Creeper... He asked me to ask you to remove his ban."

Freddo: "Do you know his e-mail adress?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yes, it's 'creeperthescamp@oblivion.tes'."

Freddo: "Alright, then. I can now remove his ban."

Creeper appeared next to me.

Creeper: "Hey, boss, it's good to see you again!"

Sinder Velvin: "Hello, Creeper! But, I thought there wasn't any e-mail in this game."

Creeper: "There isn't any in the game. But there is e-mail in 'Oblivion' the place."

Sinder Velvin: "Ah, ok."

Fargoth: "So, Mr. Todd Howard, will you surrender or will I just have to capture you by force?"

Todd Howard: "I think I'll just disconnect. Sinder, don't worry - we'll make a patch that will fix everything."

And that's when Todd Howard and Freddo left.

Fargoth: "What!? They'll make a patch!? They actually think that a mere patch can stop ME!?"

Sinder Velvin: "It can stop you."

Fargoth: "Yeah... I guess you're right. But what if you never get to install the patch in the first place? Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "How can you possibly stop me from installing it?"

Fargoth: "I can kill you!"

Sinder Velvin: "And I can save and exit the game, can't I?"

Fargoth: "Not if I can help it! The One, change the game's source code... Make it impossible to save or exit the game! Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "Now, that's just plain evil."

Fargoth: "You will now just have to die. I don't think you can survive long enough for the developers to finish their patch. And, even if you somehow managed to survive that long, you wouldn't be able to exit the game and install the patch! Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "Well, there's always the 'reset' button..."

Fargoth: "I'm afraid that the One has already deleted all of your saved games. If you reset, you will have to start the game all over again. All your adventuring will have been for vain. And Creeper will forget all that you ever did together. You will lose your friend. Trust me, Sinder. There's no way out. Anything that you do will make you lose. Muahahahaha!"

Sinder Velvin: "In that case... I am doomed!"

Fargoth: "Indeed."

Creeper: "Boss, use the Peanut of Doom!"

Fargoth: "The One, take the Peanut of Doom from Sinder Velvin!"

The One used the Matrix to take the Peanut of Doom from me.

The One: "This is the weapon that I created a long time ago... It has the power to destroy absolutely anything."

Fargoth: "So this is what he used to kill the Nerevarine. It will certainly come in handy..."

Sinder Velvin: "DAMN YOU, YOU FILTHY BOSMER!"

Fargoth: "DON'T YOU INSULT ME, YOU FOOL! YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH POWER I HAVE AT MY DISPOSAL! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Sinder Velvin: "That's it. I'm gonna kick your spotted owl."

Fargoth: "Hahahaha! You are so amusing! How will you do that?"

Sinder Velvin: "I believe that you've forgotten about the console..."

Fargoth: "The console? But wouldn't using it turn you into a cheater?"

Sinder Velvin: "Hey, I'm just using the console to fix a bug. That's not a cheat."

Fargoth: "I'm a bug? ARE YOU SAYING THAT I AM A BUG!?"

Sinder Velvin: "Yes, that's what I'm saying."

The One: "Don't worry, Fargoth. He can't use the console. I have access to the game's source code, remember?"

Fargoth: "Good, good... I like you more every minute, the One!"

Sinder Velvin: "Darn!"

Fargoth: "Guards, kill this Dark Elf!"

Several dozen attacked me all at once... It was impossible to retaliate. I fell to the ground... I felt death approaching... Creeper was running... With my last powers, I shouted.

Sinder Velvin: "Santa, help me! Please! I might be a bad boy, but Fargoth is the evilest Bosmer in the world!"

Santa Claus: "You... You are right..."

Santa opened his bag, took a hot coal and threw it at the One. The One fell to the ground screaming, and Santa took out a machine gun that he pointed at Fargoth.

Santa Claus: "Order your men to stop fighting Sinder Velvin and Creeper!"

Fargoth: "Ok... Ok! I'll do anything! I swear! I swear on my ring! Just... Just don't kill me! Please, I beg you... I beg you! Have mercy! Please!"

Fargoth started crying. His guards stopped attacking me...

Sinder Velvin: "Santa, could you please give me a healing potion? Since I'm almost dead..."

Santa took a vodka from his bag and threw it to me.

Santa Claus: "It might not be a healing potion, but you'll feel good right away!"

Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, that's helpful... Hey, Creeper, can you please take a healing potion from my backpack and give it to me?"

Creeper: "Sure, here you go. Makes you greatful that there's backpacks in Oblivion, huh? I have no idea where you adventurers stored stuff back in Morrowind if you had no backpacks. If there weren't any backpacks in Oblivion, I wouldn't have known where to search for that potion..."

The Nerevarine approached Santa Claus.

The Nerevarine: "I knew we shouldn't have trusted a fat old man. If you don't put the gun down, I'm going to kill you."

Santa Claus then tried to shoot the Nerevarine, but the Nerevarine was invulnerable.

The Nerevarine: "People never learn, do they?"

Annoyed, the Nerevarine grabbed Santa by the neck.

The Nerevarine: "Who's going to save you now, fat old man?"

Sinder Velvin: "I am!"

I quickly came to the Nerevarine and stabbed him.

The Nerevarine: "Last time you tried doing that, I almost killed you."

Sinder Velvin: "Let's play my way!"

I went to the One and threatened him with my sword. Because he had been injured, he could not use his powers against me.

Sinder Velvin: "Let Santa go and I won't hurt the One."

The Nerevarine: "If you let the One go, I'll let Santa go."

Sinder Velvin: "You first."

The Nerevarine let Santa go.

The Nerevarine: "Now, respect your end of the bargain. Release the One."

Sinder Velvin: "Sorry... I was lying when I said that I would let him go."

The Nerevarine: "Who cares about the One anyway? I always wanted to kill him back when he thought he was Todd Howard. So you can go ahead and kill him. I don't care one way or the other."

Fargoth: "YOU DON'T CARE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!? HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!? AND IN MY PRESENCE, TOO!! BOW BEFORE ME, YOUR MASTER, AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Nerevarine: "And you can kill Fargoth, too."

Fargoth: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!????????? WHAT DID YOU SAY!? THE ONE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

The One suddenly stopped screaming.

The One: "I can do anything... So I can heal myself! I am invulnerable!"

Fargoth: "Kill the Nerevarine! I'll deal with Sinder Velvin!"

The One approached the Nerevarine menacingly. The Nerevarine stabbed the One with his blade, Trueflame, but the One could feel no pain. Two guns appeared in the One's hands, one gun for each hand, and the One started firing at the Nerevarine using slow motion.

The Nerevarine: "I cannot die... I am protected by prophecy!"

The One: "Then I will remove the prophecy from the lore of the game and you will become mortal."

And that's exactly what he did.

The Nerevarine: "No... This is unfair!"

The One: "Don't mess with me."

Meanwhile, I had been fighting with Fargoth. He had a very good weapon and a very good armor, so he was a pretty tough opponent. Eventually, I struck him so hard that he fell to the ground.

Fargoth: "I still have the peanut! And I shall use it on you!"

The Nerevarine: "No! Don't let him use it! If he uses it, there's no way that we can defeat the One!"

Todd Howard appeared next to me.

Todd Howard: "We heard that you could not save or quit the game, so I decided to come here and fix the problem. By the way, you don't need to install any patches... The proper fixes can be done using the console in your case. But we will release a public patch later on... Just in case somebody else stumbled upon a similar problem."

Sinder Velvin: "Ok... Could you please stop Fargoth from using the Peanut of Doom on me?"

Todd Howard: "Oh no... That can kill absolutely anything!"

Sinder Velvin: "I know that."

The One pushed Todd Howard to the ground.

Fargoth: "I shall now destroy you, Sinder Velvin. And Todd Howard will be stopped before he can fix your game."

Creeper came and knocked Fargoth to the ground. The peanut fell to the ground and Creeper took it. Both me and the Nerevarine stabbed the One.

The One: "You are such fools... I cannot die!"

Todd Howard: "Perhaps not. But you can be disabled. Sinder, I've enabled the console. Click on 7E and write disable, after which click on the One and press enter."

I did how Mr. Todd Howard had instructed me to do and the One disappeared.

Sinder Velvin: "That wasn't a cheat, was it?"

Todd Howard: "Not if you used it to get over a bug."

Fargoth: "DAMN THIS!! YOU HAVE FOILED MY PLANS!!"

Todd Howard: "Quickly, use the same command on Fargoth!"

Before I could press the 7E button, Fargoth had already used a recall spell.

Todd Howard: "I am afraid that he will return... Hopefully, you will be able to face him then."

Sinder Velvin: "And what shall happen to these Daedra?"

Todd Howard: "They will return to their original roles. By the way, I've resurrected the real final boss. You will encounter him at the end of the storyline."

Sinder Velvin: "Thank you very much, Mr. Todd Howard!"

Todd Howard: "No problem. Just do me a favor and stop making those dreadful Oblivion parodies."

Sinder Velvin: "Bye, Mr. Howard!"

Todd Howard: "Goodbye."

And that's when Mr. Todd Howard disconnected.

Sinder Velvin: "Hey, Creeper, thanks for saving my life."

Creeper: "Don't mention it. By the way, I think this belongs to you..."

Creeper gave me the Peanut of Doom.

Sinder Velvin: "Thanks. Hey, Nerevarine, what are you going to do now?"

The Nerevarine: "I think I will try to atone for my sins by hunting down and killing Fargoth."

Sinder Velvin: "Only if you are faster than me."

The Nerevarine: "Hehe... Well, I'll see you later."

Sinder Velvin: "Bye."

Creeper: "Bye. Hey, Sinder, shouldn't we get Santa to that portal?"

Sinder Velvin: "Sure... But, Santa, could you please give us some Christmas gifts? Please..."

Santa Claus: "Alright, here you go..."

Santa gave us a lot of gold, chocolate and a grenade.

Sinder Velvin: "Thanks a lot, Santa. Well, let's get you home now..."

We went to the portal and Santa left... Not before saying goodbye and promising that he would come visit us, though.

Creeper: "Where to now, Sinder Velvin?"

Sinder Velvin: "Wherever our adventures lead us... In other words, let's track down Fargoth... Muahahahaha!"

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away...

Emperor Palpatine: "Where is Vader? And who were those 7 dwarves that I told you to incarcerate?"

Officer 1: "My emperor, we do not know where Lord Vader went. We have no idea who those dwarves are, either."

The emperor used lightning on the officer, killing him.

Emperor Palpatine: "Everywhere there are nothing but incompetent fools!"

Officer 2: "Your highness, we have found a strange portal that Lord Vader supposedly went through. It also appears to be the place those 7 dwarves came from."

Emperor Palpatine: "Good, very good. Send a battalion of Storm Troopers through that portal. I want to know what happened to Vader. And I want to know what happened to him very soon."

(c)2005 Sinder Velvin

On to the next Chapter