Once upon a time there was... Huh? No, no, that's not how stories about me start. Anyway, after Caius Cosades was turned into a skooma addict Khajiit, me and Creeper told the army of NPCs to return to their homes. The developer had left and they had nothing to stay there for. They were quite upset, but at least Todd Howard had added crossbows, throwing weapons, nudity and a dragon into the game. Virtual life was more pleasant for them now (no thanks to the dragon, though)...
Sinder Velvin: "That was an interesting adventure, Creeper."
Creeper: "Yep, sure was. We even met a developer."
Sinder Velvin: "But what about loot? There was none of that."
Creeper: "You're right. We should have asked Todd Howard for some sort of reward."
Sinder Velvin: "So we did all of that stuff... For nothing!?"
Creeper: "Now, chief, let's not exaggerate. After all, there's nudity in the game now."
Sinder Velvin: "Right... Anyway, you're going to go back to the city now, right? The NPCs are back and you've got a business to run."
Creeper: "No, I'm not going back to the city. I've decided that I should travel with you from now on."
Sinder Velvin: "How come?"
Creeper: "Well, most of these NPCs are too poor to buy my artifacts. And all those really wealthy NPCs that have enough cash to buy stuff from me are out there in the wilderness, adventuring. If I go with you, I'll have more chances to encounter wealthy people."
Sinder Velvin: "Then let us continue our adventures... Any idea where to find any quests?"
Creeper: "None whatsoever. Let's just travel around the wilderness until we find one."
And so we did. We roamed the wilderness fighting hordes of Codename: Billies until we found a forest.
Creeper: "What's that thing between those trees, boss?"
Sinder Velvin: "No idea, Creeper. Though it sure looks like a house."
Creeper: "The game has cool graphics, doesn't it?"
Sinder Velvin: "I've never heard that coming from an NPC before..."
We approached the house to see that it was very small, after which we entered it. Inside, everything was small and the whole place was very clean. In the middle of the room was a table with seven plates, each plate having a spoon, a knife and a glass full of wine next to it. Next to the wall were seven beds.
Sinder Velvin: "What the hell is this place?"
Creeper: "No idea, boss."
Suddenly, the door leading into the house was opened.
Dwarf 1: "Nasty tunnels down there."
Dwarf 2: "I agree wholeheartedly."
Sinder Velvin: "Who the hell are you people?"
Dwarf 3: "Greetings, traveller. To answer your question, we are the seven dwarves. And we are all quite confused right now."
Sinder Velvin: "Not more confused than me. What are you doing here, in Oblivion?"
Dwarf 4: "In oblivion? We don't exist? I don't understand."
Dwarf 2: "In fact, I think the black fellow is saying something along the lines of 'what the heck are you doing here'."
Dwarf 5: "Perhaps, perhaps."
Sinder Velvin: "Black fellow? I am a Dark Elf, for your information."
Dwarf 2: "Elf? Aren't you a little tall for an elf?"
Santa Claus: "My elves have arrived at last?"
After saying that, Santa Claus fell out of the chimney where he was apparently hidden.
Sinder Velvin: "What the..."
Santa Claus: "Hmm... You don't look anything like my elves."
Creeper: "Another trick by some mischievous modder?"
Sinder Velvin: "No idea. Hey, seven dwarves and Santa Claus, how did you get here?"
Dwarf 6: "What do you mean? This is our house... We just walked over here."
Dwarf 3: "But the forest did appear to be quite different."
Dwarf 7: "Yeah, and what was that strange portal that we stepped through?"
Sinder Velvin: "So you stepped through a portal that brought you here?"
Dwarf 1: "Yes, something like that. We were sucked right into the portal... Together with our house, it might seem."
Sinder Velvin: "If you were taken here together with your house, why were you outside?"
Dwarf 5: "Why, we were looking for our house. We were teleported about a mile away from it so we were quite happy when we found it. But then we saw you..."
Sinder Velvin: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Dwarf 5: "Nothing, Dark Elf. Just that you startled us. Anyway, who's the fat guy in red clothes with a large bag?"
Santa Claus: "Now, don't you be calling me fat, you little stinker!"
Sinder Velvin: "He's Santa Claus. I have no idea why he happens to be here as well."
Santa Claus: "Yes, I am. You're a good boy since you know ole Santa Claus. As for why I am here, I have no idea. I was just preparing for this year's Christmas when, suddenly, I found myself on this house's roof. Not knowing what to do, I entered the chimney."
Sinder Velvin: "Strange stories. Well, just for your information, you have stumbled in a very dangerous world where there are dangerous monsters everywhere. The Codename: Billies outside, for example."
Dwarf 3: "Codename: Billy? Sounds frightening."
Creeper: "Hey, guys, why isn't Snow-White here?"
Dwarf 7: "Well, she was not with the rest of us when we got sucked into that portal. So she's not here."
Creeper: "Too bad. Anyway, I've heard that she's quite cute..."
Creeper started giggling.
Dwarf 7: "And we get to sleep with her..."
Sinder Velvin: "WHAAAT!?"
Dwarf 2: "No, no, Dark Elf. He did not mean things the way you interpreted them. He just meant that we sleep in the same room with her."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, then. Just be careful with your wording."
Suddenly, somebody knocked on the door.
Dwarf 1: "I'd better see who it is."
The dwarf opened the door and, suddenly, we saw a wolf that sit on two legs.
Wolf: "Hello. Is this, by any chance, Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother's house?"
Dwarf 1: "Sorry, wrong address."
Wolf: "Wait a minute... Aren't you the seven dwarves?"
Dwarf 2: "Why, of course we are!"
Wolf: "I've heard of you guys. But what are you doing here in my story?"
Sinder Velvin: "In fact, you are all in my story."
Wolf: "Is that so? Quite unpleasant."
Santa Claus: "So, how do we get home?"
Wolf: "Well, I did see a portal a few miles to the south. It might takes us back to our homes."
Dwarf 4: "Aren't we home?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, yes, this house is your home, but you're in the wrong story. Don't you want to go back to your story and leave me alone?"
Dwarf 3: "Of course we want to go back home. But how do we take the house with us?"
Sinder Velvin: "Hmm... Good question. I suppose that you have to leave it behind."
Dwarf 2: "Isn't there another way?"
Santa Claus: "Well, my bag is quite bottomless. Your house might fit inside, but how will you take it out?"
Sinder Velvin: "Or, better yet, how will you put it in? There's no way to take your house with you, dwarves. Let's just go."
And thus we went on our way... A short while on our way, Creeper started talking to me.
Creeper: "Hey, SV, why the hell are we walking? Don't you know that the game has a fast travel function?"
Sinder Velvin: "Good point, Creeper. And we've been all around the area where the portal might be, so let's try out this fast travel thing."
So I tried the fast travel function, but I immediately got the message "you have been attacked by bandits" and found myself a short distance away from a large group of bandits.
Sinder Velvin: "See what you got us into, Creeper? We're pretty wounded from those Codename: Billies anyway."
Creeper: "Hey, this isn't Morrowind. This is Oblivion. NPCs have Radiant AI. Who knows, maybe you can talk to these guys and convince them to leave you alone."
Sinder Velvin: "Heh... Worth a try, I guess."
I approached one of the bandits.
Sinder Velvin: "Greetings, fello-"
Before I could finish my sentence, a dozen throwing knives had already gone flying by my ears.
Sinder Velvin: "Wait a minute here! We can negotiate!"
Creeper: "Makes you hate the fact that Todd Howard added crossbows and throwing weapons into the game."
Bandit: "Negotiate? Ok, we can do that. Give us all your valuables. That includes gold, jewelry and absolutely all magical stuff that you have."
Sinder Velvin: "Aren't you a little too greedy?"
Bandit: "I wouldn't be a bandit if I wasn't greedy. Hey, fatso, empty that bag!"
Santa Claus: "Are you talking to me?"
Bandit: "Yes, I'm talking to you, you oversized cookie muncher. Empty the bag or die!"
Santa Claus: "All you deserve from my bag are hot coals!"
Bandit: "Shut up and throw the contents of that bag on the ground!"
I knew that Santa Claus would never agree to throw away everything he had in the bag. He would not comply to the bandits' requests and be killed. But if Santa Claus died, Christmas ceased to exist. What could I do to kill the bandits? Suddenly, while I was thinking, all the bandits started choking, all at once. Quite stupefied, I looked around and saw a man in a black suit with a black mask.
Darth Vader: "I have you now!"
Sinder Velvin: "Holy Yoda! What the hell are you doing here!?"
Darth Vader: "I am looking for Luke Skywalker. Tell me where he is or die."
Sinder Velvin: "What? Luke Skywalker? He's not here!"
Darth Vader: "He is here. I can feel his presence. Do not try to fool me."
Suddenly, Darth Vader began choking me.
Darth Vader: "Tell me where he is or die."
Sinder Velvin: "Really... He isn't... Here. You're on the wrong... Planet!"
Darth Vader stopped choking me.
Darth Vader: "Yes, you are probably right. This is the wrong planet. I do not know how I got here, but, if you value your lives, you will help me get off of this planet."
Sinder Velvin: "Of course! Anything for the Empire!"
Creeper: "Wait a minute, here. You lost me. This guy works for the Empire?"
Darth Vader: "I am the emperor's right hand!"
Creeper: "But the emperor's dead!"
Darth Vader: "What have you said!?"
Sinder Velvin: "Creeper, why can't you just shut up?"
Darth Vader began choking Creeper through the force.
Dwarf 1: "Dwarves, let's run! This fellow is gonna kill of us!"
Darth Vader: "You're not going anywhere!"
Darth Vader pulled the dwarves towards him by using the force.
Sinder Velvin: "Stop it, Darth Vader! If you kill us, you will never leave this planet!"
Darth Vader: "You have a point."
Darth Vader stopped choking Creeper.
Creeper: "Argh..."
Darth Vader: "But if you try to trick me, you shall die."
Since me and Creeper were somewhat wounded, we decided to rest for several hours, after which we went to the nearest city, where we took several rooms in an inn. We left the city a short while later and began our journey to the portal. Meanwhile...
Tartanius: "So, innkeeper, have you heard any interesting rumors lately?"
Innkeeper: "Well, the strangest thing happened a short while ago."
Tartanius: "The strangest thing? What would that be?"
Innkeeper: "A short while ago, a Dark Elf came here together with a scamp, a wolf that walked like a man, a man in a black suit with a black mask, a fat guy in red clothes that had an enormous bag and seven dwarves."
Tartanius: "Seven dwarves!? But I thought there was just one living dwarf left."
Innkeeper: "They said that they were dwarves. I've never seen any dwarves in my life, so I wouldn't know if they were telling the truth or not."
Tartanius: "Any chance that you might have heard where they were heading?"
Innkeeper: "Well, I did manage to overhear one conversation between the Dark Elf and the man in the black suit with the black mask."
Tartanius: "And?"
Innkeeper: "The Dark Elf told the man in the black suit that he was a Dark Elf, something that sounded very strange at the time. After all, it was obvious that he was a Dark Elf. Anyway, the Dark Elf also said that they would go to a portal somewhere to the south."
Tartanius: "Good... Good..."
The sorcerer Tartanius gave the innkeeper a large pouch of gold, after which he left the inn, on our trail. During this time, we had almost reached the magical portal. Since all of us were exhausted, we decided to rest. The next morning, however, the seven dwarves had disappeared.
Creeper: "These dwarves sure have a habit of disappearing. First they disappeared during the War of the First Council, and now they've disappeared again!"
Sinder Velvin: "I have no time for your jokes, Creeper. We must find the seven dwarves."
Creeper: "Are you sure that the wolf didn't eat them?"
Wolf: "What? I only eat grandmothers!"
Creeper: "Then the masked guy probably killed them."
Darth Vader: "I would have killed them, but I was not in the mood for slaughter at the time."
Sinder Velvin: "Santa Claus certainly didn't do anything to them. I wonder: where could they be?"
Creeper: "We should use the game's radar to find them."
That's exactly what we did. Eventually, we found a tower where the dwarves were probably located, but its entrance was sealed shut. Somebody must have kidnapped them.
Sinder Velvin: "Should we knock?"
Creeper: "That's not how you enter creepy dungeons."
Santa Claus: "Children, I usually hate explosives. But they can be good when used for the right purposes. Would you like some dynamite? You could use it to get inside."
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, if there's no other alternative..."
Darth Vader: "I hope you make me leave this planet soon, Dark Elf. Otherwise, you might die."
Sinder Velvin: "Once we save the dwarves, we'll get you home."
We detonated the dynamite that we had placed at the tower's entrance. A big 'BOOM' followed, after which the way was made clear. We entered the tower, looking for the dwarves.
Wolf: "What's this? Pixel Shader 3.0?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes."
Wolf: "I would certainly like to have this in my story."
We found several empty rooms guarded by rats, but nothing major. Eventually, we found a set of stairs that led underground and to a room with several dozen shelves full of potions. On the other side of the room was a door. I approached the door and opened it, discovering the dwarves and an Imperial dressed in a wizard robe.
Sinder Velvin: "So you're the one who kidnapped the dwarves..."
Dwarf 1: "Dark Elf! I'm so glad you're here!"
Dwarf 6: "Me too!"
Tartanius: "Since I always like to introduce myself, I should tell you that my name is Tartanius. And yes, I had to kidnap them since they would never come willingly. Tell me, how do you feel about the lore of the Elder Scrolls?"
Sinder Velvin: "The lore? It's excellent."
Tartanius: "And wouldn't you want one of the greatest mysteries of the lore to be explained?"
Sinder Velvin: "What mystery are you talking about?"
Tartanius: "The answer is simple, my friend: the disappearance of the dwarves. All my life I have wanted to know the truth about their disappearance, so I've read the notes of Kagrenac, I've listened to Baladas Demnevanni, I've visited Mzuleft and Nchuleftingth and, last but not least, I've spoken to the so-called Last Living Dwarf, Yagrum Bagarn. Recently, I found out about you and your strange companions. Among your companions were seven dwarves which I had to kidnap. During the time we've spent together, I've discovered not only where the dwarves were teleported, but also how they recently returned to Tamriel."
Sinder Velvin: "But these are not the right dwarves..."
Tartanius: "Nonsense."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, ok, let's say that they are. Didn't you know that I would come after you?"
Tartanius: "Well, I figured that you'd miss them and that you would come after them, so I locked the entrance. With an ingenious lock, too. I wonder how you got past..."
Sinder Velvin: "I used powerful magic."
Tartanius: "Most interesting... I think I should have kidnapped you as well."
Sinder Velvin: "I think not. Why don't you have any followers?"
Tartanius: "What do you mean by 'followers'?"
Sinder Velvin: "Most evil wizards I've encountered during my adventures have had some sort of guards. Skeletons, Centurions, Codename: Billies and other creatures.
Tartanius: "Well, first of all, I'm not an evil wizard. Just an ambitious one."
Sinder Velvin: "Now, where have I heard that before?"
Tartanius: "I don't need any guards. But I do have some."
Sinder Velvin: "Where?"
Tartanius: "Right behind me."
The sorcerer stepped out of the doorway and I saw that there were several dozen Dwarven Centurions in the room with the seven dwarves. They were inactive.
Sinder Velvin: "How did you get those?"
Tartanius: "I worked a lot to get them."
Darth Vader approached.
Darth Vader: "Luke... Luke Skywalker. I have found you."
Tartanius: "Luke who? You are mistakening me for somebody else."
Darth Vader: "You cannot fool me by using a disguise, Luke. I know that it is you."
Sinder Velvin: "Oh, no..."
That's when Darth Vader started choking me with the force.
Darth Vader: "You lied to me, Dark Elf. You told me that Luke was not on this planet."
Sinder Velvin: "He... Isn't... That guy... Is an impostor!"
Darth Vader: "Even in your final moments of life, you continue to defy me!? I shall enjoy killing you."
Creeper approached.
Creeper: "Leave my boss alone, you ugly wookie!"
Darth Vader activated his lightsaber. With one hand, he was choking me. With the second hand, he was preparing to cut Creeper into pieces.
Wolf: "I knew we shouldn't have trusted this guy."
Tartanius: "Enough, whatever-your-name-is. Leave these two alone. I am Luke Skywalker, so your quarrel is with me."
Darth Vader stopped choking me and pointed his lightsaber towards Tartanius.
Darth Vader: "Where is your lightsaber, Luke?"
Tartanius: "What's a lightsaber?"
Sinder Velvin: "It's one of those laser swords. Darth Vader is pointing one at you right now."
Tartanius entered the room with the seven dwarves. The dwarves were clearly frightened.
Tartanius: "Tell me, Darth Vader, how old are you?"
Darth Vader: "That's not a good question to ask in the middle of a fight."
Tartanius: "Oh, I just wanted to get to know you before you die!"
Tartanius pulled a lever on a wall and, suddenly, the Centurions were activated. All of them started attacking Darth Vader. Tartanius was actually expecting the Centurions to be a major threat to Darth Vader, but Darth Vader easily destroyed them with his lightsaber.
Darth Vader: "You send your droids to fight me? Fight me by yourself!"
Darth Vader started choking Tartanius, but Tartanius used a fireball spell against Darth Vader. The fireball did not hit its target, seeing as Darth Vader mananged to dodge it.
Darth Vader: "I see that the force is strong with you. It is time to tell you the truth."
Tartanius: "The truth?"
Darth Vader: "Luke, I am your father."
Creeper: "This getting too messed up."
Sinder Velvin: "Shouldn't we be helping Tartanius fight Darth Vader?"
Creeper: "Of course not. Watching is just way too much fun."
Tartanius: "You can't be my father. I already have a father."
Darth Vader: "No, you don't."
Tartanius: "Yes, I do."
Darth Vader: "No, you don't."
Tartanius: "Yes, I do."
Darth Vader got annoyed at Tartanius and decided to kill him instead of making him join him, so he activated his lightsaber.
Darth Vader: "Prepare to die."
Sinder Velvin: "Tartanius is annoying, but I don't think we should let him die."
Creeper: "I agree."
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, Santa. Got any lightsabers?"
Santa Claus: "Hohohoho! Of course I have some! Pick your color."
Sinder Velvin: "A blue lightsaber will do."
Santa Claus gave me a blue lightsaber and I approached Darth Vader with it.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, Darth Vader, pick on someone your own size!"
Creeper: "Sinder, you know what happened the last time you did this. The Nerevarine almost killed you. You used the peanut to kill him/her in the end, though. Why don't you also use the peanut against Darth Vader?"
Sinder Velvin: "It would never work. Darth Vader has no sense of humor. So, Darth Vader, as I was saying, I'm going to kick your spotted owl."
Darth Vader turned towards me and used the force to pull the lightsaber from my hands. He now had two lightsabers.
Creeper: "You never listen."
Sinder Velvin: "So, how to survive this encounter?"
Before Creeper could give any answer, Darth Vader threw one of his lightsabers at me using the force. It almost hit me, but I managed to dodge it. Before Darth Vader could attack me again, Tartanius used a shock spell on Vader.
Darth Vader: "So you master the dark side of the force as well, Luke. I am impressed. But I am still going to kill both of you."
Creeper: "Santa Claus, do you have anything to lure dragons?"
Santa Claus: "Of course I do. Here's a magic whistle. I will bring a dragon here in the blink of an eye."
Sinder Velvin: "Creeper, great idea!"
Creeper used the whistle to bring the dragon that Todd Howard had created. The dragon only got here after he destroyed half of the tower by accidentally bumping into it. Seeing Darth Vader, the dragon started to flame him.
Moderator: "What? Flaming? Where?"
Sinder Velvin: "Not that sort of flaming, dear moderator."
Moderator: "So you're saying that this sort of flaming is good sort of flaming? Hmm... I don't know about that, but the dragon better behave unless he wants to get banned."
Sinder Velvin: "Don't worry - the dragon will be nice."
So, back to our story, the dragon was burning Darth Vader. Me and Tartanius had stepped out of the way, of course, since we didn't want to burn. Suddenly, however, Darth Vader started to choke the dragon.
Tartanius: "This Darth Vader guy is very hard to kill."
Sinder Velvin: "What if we don't kill him? What if we just make him enter the portal and go home? Hey, Tartanius, do you know where the portal is?"
Tartanius: "Oh, it's very close. But how are you going to get out of the tower?"
Sinder Velvin: "The dragon wrecked it on its way here. The only thing that remains is this underground part. Those stairs lead outside now."
Creeper: "It's a good idea, boss."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, gather the dwarves. The dragon will distract Darth Vader's attention long enough for you to gather them."
Seeing that we wanted to flee, Darth Vader stopped fighting the dragon and decided to come after us. We managed to get outside, but, once we were outside, Darth Vader used the force to pull us all to him.
Sinder Velvin: "Darn... Santa, could you give us several motorbikes? Since we need to get out of Darth Vader's force powers' range."
Santa Claus: "Of course."
Santa Claus took the motorbikes out of his bag and gave them to us. Each of us hopped on a motorbike and we began the short drive to the magical portal. Darth Vader decided to follow us, even if we were too fast to be caught. Eventually, we reached the portal, with Vader closely on our tracks.
Sinder Velvin: "Well, you must all enter the portal before Vader catches us."
Creeper: "'All' who?"
Sinder Velvin: "Everybody who is from a different story. So, bye, seven dwarves. We had fun with you guys."
Tartanius: "They're leaving... again?"
Sinder Velvin: "If you want to live, they're leaving!"
Dwarf 1: "Bye."
Dwarf 2: "See you."
Dwarf 3: "Later."
Dwarf 4: "Farewell."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, ok, you don't all have to say 'goodbye'. Just enter the portal."
Creeper: "And, seven dwarves, when you come to visit us in the future, please bring Snow-White with you."
Dwarf 5: "Sure we will. Bye!"
And thus the dwarves entered the portal.
Sinder Velvin: "Bye, wolf from Little Red Riding Hood."
Wolf: "Bye, guys."
The wolf entered the portal. Santa Claus had no time to enter the portal since Darth Vader had found us.
Darth Vader: "I have you now!"
Sinder Velvin: "As you guys might remember, I am a wizard by trade, even though I often fight in melee and wear armor."
Creeper: "This really isn't the time to remind us of your profession."
Sinder Velvin: "Oh, yes it is. You see, because I am a wizard, I can use the spell Telekinesis."
Tartanius: "But that spell doesn't work on people."
Sinder Velvin: "I never said that I want to use it on people."
Darth Vader approached and I used Telekinesis to take his lightsaber from him.
Darth Vader: "Hey, that's mine!"
Sinder Velvin: "Come and take it!"
I held the lightsaber in front of the portal. Darth Vader tried to take it from me by using the force, but he was too exhausted to use any of his force powers. He then tried to take it... manually. However, I grabbed and tossed him into the portal.
Tartanius: "Good job. Though I'm still upset that you let the dwarves leave."
Sinder Velvin: "Don't worry... They'll be back."
Santa Claus: "And, now, for me to leave."
Sinder Velvin: "Creeper, do you remember what happened the last time we went on an adventure?"
Creeper: "Yeah. We didn't get any loot."
Sinder Velvin: "So, Santa, could you please give us a reward?"
Santa Claus: "Well, as they say, virtue is its own reward!"
Sinder Velvin: "Open the bag... Now. And then we'll let you go."
Creeper: "We're asking you nicely, Santa Claus."
Santa Claus: "You little stinkers! All you deserve are hot coals!"
Sinder Velvin: "Take those coals and shove them up your chimney!"
Meanwhile, in the Forgotten Realms...
Darth Vader: "Who are you?"
Drizzt Do'Urden: "Me? I'm Drizzt."
Darth Vader: "Are you a Dark Elf?"
Drizzt Do'Urden: "Well, I'm a Drow. And Drow are also known as Dark Elves, so I guess that, yes, I am a Dark Elf."
Darth Vader: "The last Dark Elf I met betrayed me. I won't let the same happen again. Prepare to die!"
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter