After killing all those Bosmer on that field with that bazooka, I thanked Uncle Crassius for his assistance and decided to ask him a few questions.
Sinder Velvin: "Uncle Crassius, how did you manage to make all those people leave that city?"
Uncle Crassius: "Oh, it wasn't too hard, dear. I just told them that they could find Todd Howard on top of the nearest mountain."
Sinder Velvin: "I see... And what was that Breton's story?"
Uncle Crassius: "He's a friend of mine, sweet bits. I just told him what to do in order to mislead you."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok. Do you need this bazooka anymore?"
Uncle Crassius: "No, sweetie. I'd tell you to keep it, but you can't use it anyway."
Sinder Velvin: "Why not?"
Uncle Crassius: "You're out of rockets. And they're quite hard to find over here in Cyrodiil."
Sinder Velvin: "So, should I throw it?"
Uncle Crassius: "Yes. It weights too much, anyway. And, if anybody finds it, they don't have any rockets to use with it."
Sinder Velvin: "I sure hope you're right..."
I dropped the Bazooka on the ground.
"Alright, Uncle Crassius. See you around."
Uncle Crassius: "Farewell, dear."
Thus, I went on my way. Little did I know what surprises would be in store for me.
Uncle Crassius: "The fool is on his way and my plans have been set in motion. All that remains now is for us to capture Sinder Velvin."
The Nerevarine: "Whatever you say."
Uncle Crassius: "Aren't you happy, sweetie?"
The Nerevarine: "Not really. All I want is to have my revenge on the developers."
Uncle Crassius: "Don't worry. You will have it... in due time."
Meanwhile, I had used the fast travel function to reach the nearest city and enter an inn, where I had rented a room. I was exhausted and I wanted to rest to restore my health and my magicka and to level up. However, when I was getting ready to sleep...
Waitress: "Adventurer, please wake up! Daedra from Oblivion are attacking us!"
Sinder Velvin: "Why are you asking me to help? Can't you see how exhausted I am? Wait until I get some sleep and then we'll talk."
Waitress: "But they're killing everybody!"
Sinder Velvin: "As long as they aren't killing me, I'm happy."
Waitress: "Evil Dark Elf!"
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, lady, I don't get paid to whack demons!"
Waitress: "But, then, who will save us?"
The waitress started crying and left the room. I tried to rest but I was told by the game that I could not rest because enemies were nearby.
Sinder Velvin: "Darn enemies... Here we go again."
I picked up my sword, opened the door and started hacking away at... Creeper!?
Creeper: "Hey, boss, don't hit me!"
Sinder Velvin: "Creeper... What the hell are you doing here?"
Creeper: "It's a long story, chief, but, as you know, during the time I stayed in Caldera I managed to buy tons of legendary artifacts. Eventually, I sold a large part of those artifacts for way more gold than they were worth. After that, I bought a huge castle and relocated here in Cyrodiil, since that way I would get a cool Radiant A.I."
Sinder Velvin: "Interesting. But what was that waitress so frightened about?"
Creeper: "Well, there are some evil Daedra nearby that are making a real mess. I found out that you were here and decided to come and give you a hand in your battle against them."
Sinder Velvin: "Wait a minute, here! What makes you think that I would fight them?"
Creeper: "Those Daedra are bad for business. I want them dead. If you kill them, I'll give you many poweful artifacts."
Sinder Velvin: "Like?"
Creeper: "Well, let's see... I have the Ebony Mail, Hopesfire, Trueflame, the Helm of Oreyn Bearclaw... Whoa, there's too many to count."
I smiled.
Sinder Velvin: "Okay, but I need some of those to defeat the Daedra. And I need a few healing potions as well."
Creeper: "Healing potions, eh? Here you go. They're on the house."
Sinder Velvin: "Thanks. Well, here I go."
Outside, I was immediately attacked by two Clannfears. They were dangerous opponents, but they were no match for me. I also met several Hungers, but they were quickly cut to pieces. Killing these Daedra was easy, but then I encountered a Dremora Lord. I had finnaly met my match.
We fought and we fought, but neither one of us would fall. After a while, I was very wounded. I had to drink a healing potion.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, do me a favor and let's stop fighting until I drink a few healing potions."
Dremora Lord: "Why would I do you such a favor?"
Sinder Velvin: "It's not like you have much of a choice. After all, while I'm in the inventory screen, you can't attack me. The game is paused."
Dremora Lord: "So you're telling me that you can eat industrial quantities of food and even change your whole suit of armor in the middle of a battle!?
Sinder Velvin: "Of course. That's the way it's always been."
Dremora Lord: "Darn! You have an unfair advantage... Hey, do you happen to know the phone number for the Bureau for Fantasy Characters' Complaints?"
Sinder Velvin: "Sure. But you need a phone first."
Dremora Lord: "Well, there's a place in Oblivion with a lot of phone booths. After you kill me, I'll go there and make a call."
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, here's a piece of paper with the phone number."
Dremora Lord: "Thanks a lot, man. I appreciate it."
Sinder Velvin: "No problem. Now wait a minute until I finish drinking all these healing potions."
After I drank all the healing potions, I struck the Dremora Lord so hard that his passing into Oblivion was very quick. I went to Creeper to report my succes.
Creeper: "Good job, boss. Go and get some sleep. After all, you've gained several levels since you slept the last time."
I did as Creeper asked me and I went to sleep, recovering all those lost hit points and all that magicka. The next day, I repaired all of my equipment, after which I returned to the inn.
Creeper: "Hello, boss. Good to see you refreshed. Would you like another job for me?"
Sinder Velvin: "Sure, why not?"
Creeper: "Listen, then. A lot of NPCs that were inhabitants of the nearby cities have mysteriously vanished. That's really bad for business. I need you to find out what has happened to them."
Sinder Velvin: "I already know. Some guy called Crassius Curio tricked all those people into thinking that Todd Howard could be found on some god-forsaken mountain."
Creeper: "Oh, no. This is bad news."
Sinder Velvin: "Why?"
Creeper: "Because Todd Howard actually is on that mountain."
Sinder Velvin: "What!?"
Creeper: "You should have never trusted that Crassius Curio guy. Who knows what he's up to?"
Sinder Velvin: "So what are we going to do now?"
Creeper: "We must find Crassius Curio and stop him."
And thus we set off... to save the world, no doubt.
Finding the mountain was not hard, since it was the only mountain on this side of Cyrodiil. But, once we were there, we found a gigantic army of NPCs. I approached one of the NPCs and talked to him.
Sinder Velvin: "What is going on here? Who are you?"
Redguard: "I am one of the NPCs that live in this game. Hmm... You aren't, by any chance, a PC, are you?"
Creeper: "Whatever happens, don't say 'yes'!"
Sinder Velvin: "Me? A playable character? Of course not! I don't even look like a playable character! I'm an NPC from head to toe!"
Redguard: "I don't know... You sure look like an adventurer to me. And god knows that no NPC is stupid enough to be an adventurer."
Sinder Velvin: "Uh... Of course I'm not an adventurer! I'm just a really powerful NPC."
Redguard: "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But what are you doing here, in the middle of nowhere?"
Sinder Velvin: "I heard that there was a developer somewhere over here and I wanted to see how he looks. After all, who wouldn't want to see somebody more powerful than a Daedra Prince?"
Redguard: "Seeing as we managed to capture him, that developer isn't all that powerful. Though he is very annoying, since he doesn't want to cooperate with us. One of our leaders, Caius Cosades, told us to also try to capture a playable character, though I do not know why.
Sinder Velvin: "And what do you intend to do with this developer?"
Redguard: "We want to make him add several things to the game and improve some already existing ones. What we desire most is for him to improve our artificial intelligence."
Sinder Velvin: Could I see this developer? I would love trying to make him cooperate."
Redguard: "I don't know about that. Let me talk to the big boss, Crassius Curio. What did you say your name was?"
Sinder Velvin: "Uh... M'Aiq the Liar."
Redguard: "Hey, that's not a Dark Elven name!"
Sinder Velvin: "But that's because my parents named me before I was born. You see, they thought that I would be born a Khajiit."
Redguard: "How did that happen?"
Sinder Velvin: "It's a long story involving a talking mudcrab merchant, twenty Argonians and a Dwemer Pipe. You wouldn't be interested in it."
Redguard: "Alright..."
The Redguard went to talk to his boss, Crassius Curio, while I regretted what I had said.
Creeper: "Why did you ask to talk with Curio, chief? Don't you realize that we're in a lot of trouble right now?"
Sinder Velvin: "I know we're in a lot of trouble, Creeper. But what can I do now?"
Creeper: "Here, take this Daedric Helm and put it over your head. Hopefully, your old aquaintance won't be able to recognize you."
After a few minutes, Crassius Curio came to talk with me.
Uncle Crassius: "Greetings there, Mr M'Aiq."
Sinder Velvin: "Hello, Uncle Crassius."
Uncle Crassius: "Why did you call me Uncle Crassius?"
Sinder Velvin: "Because... eh..."
Creeper: "Now we're in big trouble!"
Uncle Crassius: "Take off your helm."
Sinder Velvin: "I'm sorry, but I can't take it off. I always keep it on as not to reveal my hideous battle scars."
Large Orc: "The boss ask again will not. You take your helm off now!"
I had to do as I was told. I took off my Daedric Helm.
Uncle Crassius: "So, it is exactly the one I've been looking for. Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "We meet again, you naughty bastard."
Uncle Crassius: "Now, don't you insult me, sweetie. I never wanted things to happen like this, but now it's too late to change anything. Guards, put this Dark Elf in chains and bring him to the dungeon. Do the same thing with the scamp."
Creeper: "Now you've done it, Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "Don't worry. They're just going to kill to us, nothing else."
Creeper: "And that's a good thing?"
Sinder Velvin: "You're right. It isn't."
Large Orc: "Silence, you two! Chains I put around you, and then into dungeon you go!"
They chained both of us and threw us into a dungeon.
Creeper: "I'm scared."
Sinder Velvin: "So am I. Let's wait and see what happens."
A few minutes later, Crassius Curio came to us together with two other Imperials, a large Argonian and an invisible guy.
Uncle Crassius: "As you can see, Mr. Todd Howard, we have captured a playable character and we are about to destroy his gaming experience. I'm sure you don't want that to happen."
Sinder Velvin: "Crassius, aren't you going to introduce us?"
Uncle Crassius: "Oh, how rude of me not to! The man to my left is Todd Howard and the man to my right is Caius Cosades. The Argonian fellow's name is Kills-You-Dead. The invisible fellow over there is none other that the Nerevarine himself. The Dark Elf in chains is Sinder Velvin, the only playable character here. And I don't know the scamp's name."
Creeper: "My name is Creeper."
Uncle Crassius: "Anyway, Sinder Velvin, since you're the hero and I'm the villain, I'm going to tell you all about my evil plans now."
Sinder Velvin: "Isn't that a clich�?"
Uncle Crassius: "Of course it is, but I don't want to leave so many unanswered questions."
Sinder Velvin: "Right..."
Uncle Crassius: "Now, as you know, Morrowind was released in 2002 and it was quite a succes. In it, I played the role of a Hlaalu Councilor and I was quite a plot-critical character if I can say so myself. What really bothered me, however, was the fact that I could never advance in rank in my faction. You know, my life's dream has always been to become the Hlaalu Grandmaster, but I could never do such a thing in Morrowind. When I heard how complex Oblivion would be, I started hoping that, with this Radiant A.I., I could finnaly manage to become the Hlaalu Grandmaster. Much to my disappointment, however, Oblivion doesn't take place in Morrowind, so there's no House Hlaalu in it. I wanted to capture a developer and force him to make an expansion pack for Oblivion that features the entire Morrowind, or at least Vvardenfell. But where could I find a developer in Cyrodiil? Nowhere, since developers live in the real world. So I approached a modder and made him make a mod with an NPC called Todd Howard. Initially, this NPC did not know who he was, but the Radiant A.I. made him aware of his name... and of his legendary powers. Basically, he's not Todd Howard, but in this game it's enough to think that you are something to become that thing. A little like the Matrix, though not exactly."
Sinder Velvin: "How would you know about the Matrix?"
Uncle Crassius: "I know Morrowind is a rather back-water province, but you actually think that we've never heard of the Matrix!?"
Sinder Velvin: "Uh..."
Uncle Crassius: "Anyway, I had to get rid of everybody who downloaded that mod, since only a playable character could interfere with my plans. Luckily for me, you're the only one who ever downloaded it. So I tried to use Fargoth to kill you, after which I tried to use an army of Bosmer to kill you. Now, you're probably wondering why I eventually helped you kill the Bosmer, right? Of course you are. Well, by the time you found me on that field, I had already realized that I needed a playable character to make Todd Howard cooperate. That's why I gave you that bazooka to kill the Bosmer. And, heck, I realized that a diplomatic conflict between Valenwood and Morrowind would help me rise in rank even faster."
Sinder Velvin: "But why did you let me go? Why didn't you capture me right then?"
Uncle Crassius: "We had to make some NPCs complain to the Bureau for Fantasy Characters' Complaints about the Bethesda Softworks developers' maltreatment towards them. The Dremora Lord that you fought made some of his fellow Daedra complain to the Bureau, as well."
Sinder Velvin: "Why?"
Uncle Crassius: "So that our demands could be solved faster."
Sinder Velvin: "Why did those Daedra have to complain to the Bureau? Couldn't you and your army complain to the Bureau?"
Uncle Crassius: "No, because we were guilty of kidnapping a developer. The Bureau would never listen to us. Now that more are complaining, however, the Bureau will force Todd Howard to do what we ask him."
Sinder Velvin: "And why did you need me to make Todd Howard cooperate?"
Uncle Crassius: "The developers don't care about us NPCs too much. But they care about the gaming pleasure of gamer. If we tortured Todd Howard by ruining your gaming pleasure, he would eventually break and do what we asked him. He can't stand to see unhappy fans."
Sinder Velvin: "But isn't Todd Howard an NPC himself?"
Uncle Crassius: "Didn't I already tell you that he thinks he's a developer?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, you did. Anyway, this whole plot is way too complicated."
Uncle Crassius: "That's the genius of it."
Sinder Velvin: "So I know why you kidnapped Todd Howard and I know why those people outside helped you. But what are these other guys' motivations?"
Uncle Crassius: "Well, Caius Cosades has always wanted to be the Blades' Grand Spymaster, the boss of all Blades throughout Tamriel. I figured that he would be a valuable ally."
Sinder Velvin: "What about the Nerevarine?"
Uncle Crassius: "After Bethesda Softworks made a whole game and two expansion packs just about him, the Nerevarine was incredibly upset when he heard that Oblivion would not be about him and his adventures. He wants to have his revenge on the developers."
Sinder Velvin: "But why is the Nerevarine invisible?"
Uncle Crassius: "He is invisible because he is a mystery. We do not know his gender, his race, his age or his class. He could be anything, because each of the gamers of Morrowind gave him a different identity. So because he could be anything, he is everything. He has the combat skills of the most powerful warriors, the spells of the most powerful wizards and the stealth of the trickiest of thieves."
Sinder Velvin: "What about Kills-You-Dead?"
Uncle Crassius: "Oh, he just likes to kill a lot. We promised him that he would be able to kill almost anything if he became our personal bodyguard."
Sinder Velvin: "Why does Kills-You-Dead have a bazooka in his hands?"
Uncle Crassius: "It's the bazooka that you dropped back then. I eventually found some rockets for it and decided to give it to Kills-You-Dead to use it against you in case you would prove to be too powerful. Not even the most powerful armor in Tamriel can help you survive a rocket from a bazooka."
Sinder Velvin: "So, what happens now?"
Caius Cosades: "We start making demands from Todd Howard. If he doesn't do what we ask him to do, we ruin your gaming pleasure. It would be a terrible pain for him to see you unhappy."
Uncle Crassius: "Do you have any other questions or can we start?"
Sinder Velvin: "Go ahead. There's nothing I can do to stop you now."
Uncle Crassius: "Very well, then. Mr. Todd Howard, just to see how powerful you are, we would like for you to add crossbows and throwing weapons into the game."
Todd Howard: "It is done."
Uncle Crassius: "Well, give us a crossbow to try it out. And some bolts, if you may."
Todd Howard: "Here you go."
A crossbow suddenly materialized into Crassius Curio's hands. He picked it up and looked at it with awe.
Caius Cosades: "What about nudity? Could you please add it into the game?"
Todd Howard: "Well, our budget isn't high enough for that."
Caius Cosades: "If you don't add it, we'll ruin Sinder Velvin's gaming pleasure."
Todd Howard: "How?"
Caius Cosades: "We'll keep him here forever until you agree to our demands. Since we're NPCs, we won't get bored.. Okay, we will get bored, since we have Radiant A.I., but we won't get bored as much as Sinder Velvin will. He'll quit the game and never buy another Elder Scrolls game."
Todd Howard: "That would be horrible."
Caius Cosades: "Yes, it would be. So add nudity into the game. Now."
Todd Howard: "Alright, it's done."
Caius Cosades: "Now, please create a young, good-looking female Imperial without radiant A.I. Make sure her disposition towards me is 100."
Todd Howard: "It's done."
A female Imperial suddenly appears in front of Todd Howard.
Caius Cosades: "Okay, guys. I'll be gone for a while, so I hope you don't miss me."
Caius Cosades grabs the female Imperial by the hand and exits the dungeon with her.
Uncle Crassius: "Enjoy yourself, Caius."
The Nerevarine: "Okay, enough! I want to talk to Todd Howard now!"
Uncle Crassius: "Go ahead."
The Nerevarine: "Hello, Mr. Todd Howard. I just wanted to let you know that I hate you for not making me the main character in this game. I mean, you betrayed me. You had to stick to that 'the storylines in TES games are not related' thing, didn't you? Well, you won't get away with it."
Uncle Crassius: "Dear, don't hurt Todd Howard! We need him!"
The Nerevarine: "You need him. I don't need him. I want revenge on him."
Uncle Crassius: "Get away from Todd Howard! Now!"
The Nerevarine: "Or what? What will you possibly do to me? My friend, I have been reincarnated into thousands of people. I have kept the powers of all of my lives. What could you possibly do to me?"
Uncle Crassius: "Kills-You-Dead, kill the Nerevarine!"
Kills-You-Dead: "Nerevarine, I will kill you dead!"
The Nerevarine: "Give it your best shot!"
Sinder Velvin: "Kills-You-Dead, don't try to kill the Nerevarine since you will die!"
Kills-You-Dead did not listen to me and attacked the Nerevarine with the bazooka. However, the rockets did not hurt the Nerevarine, so the Nerevarine had no problems in disintegrating the Argonian.
The Nerevarine: "Is there anything else that you would like to throw at me, Crassius?"
Uncle Crassius: "Todd Howard, please make this dungeon much larger and put a gigantic dragon in it. A dragon that wants to kill the Nerevarine."
Todd Howard: "It's done."
The dungeon started to become larger and larger. Eventually, it was huge. A dragon appeared at the other end of the chamber we were in.
The Nerevarine: "You are still a fool, Crassius. The dragon will fall and you will be the next one to die."
The Nerevarine started to fight the huge dragon. We could only watch as the dragon became increasingly injured, while the Nerevarine appeared to be invulnerable.
Uncle Crassius: "Sinder Velvin, the Nerevarine has gone mad. Although I used to be the biggest villain of this story, the Nerevarine has taken my place. Say, could you be a good boy and go fight him?"
Sinder Velvin: "I won't do your dirty work, Crassius. Why don't you just ask Todd Howard to kill the Nerevarine?"
Uncle Crassius: "Because he can't. The Nerevarine isn't exactly an NPC. He is the remains of thousands of playable characters. Todd Howard has no powers over him. You are the only one that can defeat the Nerevarine."
Creeper: "Sinder, you're not going to believe this pervert, are you?"
Uncle Crassius: "Silence, scamp!"
Sinder Velvin: "Crassius, if the Nerevarine is so powerful, how am I supposed to kill him... Uh... It?"
Uncle Crassius: "Todd Howard, could you make a weapon powerful enough to kill anything?"
Todd Howard: "Yes, of course."
Todd Howard gave Crassius a peanut.
Sinder Velvin: "What!? I'm supposed to kill the Nerevarine with a PEANUT!?"
Uncle Crassius: "If it's the only thing that can kill the Nerevarine..."
Sinder Velvin: "But, seriously! How can I kill an invincible entity with a PEANUT?"
Todd Howard: "You must find a way."
Sinder Velvin: "Right, that answers all of my questions. I think I'm just going to use an incredibly powerful sword. Creeper, hold this peanut for me."
Creeper: "Sure thing, boss."
Sinder Velvin: "And, Crassius... Uh... You could unchain me."
Creeper: "You mean 'us'."
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, I mean 'us'. Unchain us."
Uncle Crassius unchained me and Creeper. I took Eltonbrand and several dozen potions from Creeper and decided to face the Nerevarine. By this time, the dragon was badly wounded.
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, Nerevarine, leave that dragon alone. Fight someone your own size."
The Nerevarine: "I'm afraid that there isn't anybody my own size."
Sinder Velvin: "We'll see about that."
I rushed towards the Nerevarine. From what I knew, the Nerevarine was used to Morrowind's combat and quite unfamiliar with the one in Oblivion. I hoped that this would be an advantage for me.
I tried to hit the Nerevarine multiple times, but he blocked every single one of my attacks. In the end, he got bored with blocking my attacks and decided to deal out a killing blow to me. I came crashing down to the ground. I was covered by blood. I was dying.
Sinder Velvin: "It can't end this way..."
The Nerevarine: "Nobody can stand against me!"
In that moment I decided to drink a healing potion.
Sinder Velvin: "I'm going to enter the inventory menu now. The game will pause."
The Nerevarine: "I hate it when this happens..."
I entered the inventory menu and drank all the potions that I had. I returned to the game and I started running from the Nerevarine.
Sinder Velvin: "Creeper, give me that damn peanut!"
Creeper: "Here you go, boss."
The Nerevarine: "A peanut? You're going to kill me with a PEANUT!?"
Sinder Velvin: "If I have to..."
The Nerevarine: "But...WITH A PEANUT!?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes, with a peanut."
The Nerevarine: "Hahahahahaha! A peanut! You're gonna kill me. With a peanut. Hahahahaha!"
Sinder Velvin: "It's no ordinary peanut. It's the peanut of doom."
The Nerevarine: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Eventually, after laughing incredibly hard, the Nerevarine started choking from so much laughter and died.
Sinder Velvin: "That's a strange way to die."
Uncle Crassius: "Of course it is. I suppose that I should thank you for killing the Nerevarine, but I won't. Why? Because I'm the biggest villain once again and I have to kill you."
Creeper: "I saw that coming from a mile away."
Sinder Velvin: "You'll have a very hard time killing me, Crassius. After all, I managed to kill the Nerevarine, didn't I?"
Uncle Crassius: "It was pure luck, nothing else."
Sinder Velvin: "And how do you intend to kill me, Crassius?"
Uncle Crassius: "If you recall correctly, you took some Ebony Arrows of Slaying from Fargoth. Where are they now?"
Sinder Velvin: "I have no idea."
Uncle Crassius: "They are in my possesion, Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "Why don't you just use the bazooka against me?"
Uncle Crassius: "You know what? I should use the bazooka against you."
Creeper: "Sinder, can't you just shut up!? Why did you have to remind him of the bazooka?"
Crassius Curio picked up the bazooka and pointed it towards me.
Uncle Crassius: "Any final words, Sinder Velvin?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yes. Todd Howard, please teleport a big, fat homosexual orc in front of Crassius and make the two of them fall in love with each other."
Todd Howard: "It's done."
A big fat homsexual Orc appeared in front of Crassius.
Big Fat Homosexual Orc: "Crassius, my love!"
Crassius Curio dropped the bazooka and went to the Orc.
Uncle Crassius: "Oh, give me a kiss, you cute little Orc!"
Sinder Velvin: "Alright, that's enough. Todd Howard, please send these two on their honeymoon."
Todd Howard teleported the two lovebirds somewhere away from Cyrodiil. When I finnaly thought it was all over, Caius Cosades showed up.
Caius Cosades: "It's not over yet, Sinder Velvin."
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, I noticed that."
Caius Cosades picked up the bazooka.
Sinder Velvin: "So, you want to kill me with the bazooka. How original."
Caius Cosades: "You won't trick me the same way you tricked Crassius. Todd Howard, make Sinder Velvin unable to speak."
Todd Howard: "Ok."
Creeper: "Todd Howard, please..."
Caius Cosades: "I'm not a fool, scamp. Todd Howard, make Creeper unable to speak."
Now we were in a really big mess.
Caius Cosades: "What are you two going to do now?"
Suddenly, a Breton came into the chamber.
Breton: "Mr. Cosades, the lady you went to your chambers with has gone to the men's camp. Naked."
Caius Cosades: "Goddamit! Here, hold this bazooka for a minute. If either of those two fools move, fire the bazooka at them."
Of course, the Breton did not know who "those two fools" were, since there were three of us besides the Breton.
Breton: "Hey, fellows, which of you did Mr. Caius refer to?"
Seeing that neither I, nor Creeper would answer the question, the Breton turned to Todd Howard.
Breton: "Hey, you. Why don't the Dark Elf and the scamp want to talk?"
Todd Howard: "They can't talk."
Breton: "Why?"
Todd Howard: "Because I made them unable to talk."
Breton: "Well, could you make them talk?"
Todd Howard: "Sure."
Seeing that I had regained my voice, I could not help myself from talking.
Sinder Velvin: "Todd Howard, give this Breton a weggie."
You can imagine what happened next.
Breton: "Hey! What's going on?"
Sinder Velvin: "Todd Howard, turn the bazooka into a carrot and teleport this Breton to the nearest Camonna Tong cornerclub."
That's how I got rid of the Breton. A few minutes later, Caius returned.
Caius Cosades: "Where's the Breton?"
Sinder Velvin: "In a galaxy far, far away."
Caius Cosades: "Todd Howard, give me a machine gun."
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, where did you hear about machine guns?"
Caius Cosades: "I watch TV. Hey, Todd, where's the machine gun?"
Todd Howard: "Sorry, but I'm done giving you wishes. Farewell."
Caius Cosades turns his sword towards Todd Howard.
Caius Cosades: "Are you sure about that?"
Todd Howard turned Caius into a Khajiit and turned Caius' sword into a bottle of skooma, after which he vanished.
Caius Cosades: "Caius is very upset now."
Sinder Velvin: "He turned you into a Khaiit addict? It suits you just fine."
Creeper: "What should we do with the NPCs outside, Sinder Velvin?"
Sinder Velvin: "We'll tell them to go back to their homes. After all, they've got nudity now, so there's no reason for them to be unhappy. Though... I wonder... How did they make children if there was no nudity?"
Creeper: "Children? In Elder Scrolls? You've got to be kidding me."
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter