After countless battles against minions of evil, I had finnaly met the dark lord himself, the father of demons, the bringer of destruction, the tormentor of souls, the annoyance of poor fans. Fargoth. Our swords clashed in an epic struggle, in a battle between good and evil. And I just happened to be the victor. But my tale was not over yet, as more minions of darkness awaited death. As I left the dank dungeon where I had fought the Bosmer, I thought who my next target should be. I quickly realized that I should have my revenge on the Imperial who had sent me to fight Fargoth, hoping that I would be killed. But who was he? What was his name? Sure, it wouldn't be too hard to find him, since there were only 1000 NPCs in the whole game, but it would take some time. I wanted to kill him right then, not to wait several days. What could I do?
The answer came to me very fast: I needed to ask one of the developers. But where could I find a developer in Cyrodiil? I had to find someone who knew the answer to this questions, and who better to ask than the very intelligent NPCs that now inhabited Tamriel? All I had to do was to go to the nearest city and ask. It couldn't get any harder than that. Could it? I decided to go to the very same city where I had gone to buy that very useful toothpick. The journey would be long, since the landmass in Oblivion was quite larger than what I was used to, and the dangers were numerous. But I wanted vengeance, so nothing could have ever possibly stop me then.
And I walked, and I walked, and I walked, and then I walked some more. I ran a little too, but my fatigue was getting somewhat low, so I decided to go back to walking. Yes, yes, I know I should have bought a horse, but I'm a Dark Elf. And the lore says that Dark Elves like to eat horses. And I have to stick to the lore, don't I?
Anyway, while I was about half-way, I heard a very unpleasant sound. The sound of cliff racers. I turned back and, to my horror, I saw several dozen Bosmer riding cliff racers. They were Fargoth's relatives.
Sinder Velvin: "Noooo! I thought Bosmer were annoying and I thought cliff racers were annoying, but Bosmer on cliff racers? That's just too much for me..."
Bosmer: "Silence, infidel! Not only did you kill our favorite brother, Fargoth, but you also destroyed a toothpick!"
Sinder Velvin: "So, what are you going to do to me? Are you going to kill me?"
Bosmer: "Not even close. Death would be a release next to what we are going to do to you..." 2Aevil grin2A
Sinder Velvin: "What's that?"
Bosmer: "We are going to force you to dance around mushrooms, hug trees and eat dead Bosmer for the rest of your life. You will also have to wear a wig, look like an idiot and tell everybody that you think you're about to become very close with them."
Sinder Velvin: "Can't you just kill me?"
Bosmer: "I guess we could, but we don't want to."
Sinder Velvin: "Evil Bosmer..."
Bosmer: "Don't make me eat you."
Sinder Velvin: "Give it your best shot."
Bosmer: 2Agets off cliff racer and approaches Sinder Velvin2A "I guess that I could let you choose between being eaten or being tortured for the rest of your life."
Sinder Velvin: "You know what? Bite me!"
Bosmer: 2Atries to bite Sinder Velvin2A
Sinder Velvin: "No, no, you don't understand. I didn't actually ask you to bite me. It was an insult!"
Bosmer: "That's it! No more bargaining! Fellow Bosmer, attack this infidel Dark Elf!"
Sinder Velvin: "I don't think I can defeat all of you. You're too many. I could certainly use a developer about now."
Bosmer: "Developers don't favor the wicked!"
Sinder Velvin: "In that case, I think I'm just going to run!"
And run I ran, until my fatigue was getting unpleasantly low. The Bosmer that were riding cliff racers followed me, despite all my attempts to evade them. Eventually, I could run no more, so I hid behind a tree.
Bosmer: "We can see you, Sinder Velvin. You cannot hide from us!"
Sinder Velvin: "Now, I wonder what would happen if I burned this tree down..."
Bosmer: "No, don't do that! Please, we beg you! Hey, wait a minute here! You can do that in Oblivion, since it doesn't have such a high environment interaction!"
Sinder Velvin: "The original Oblivion doesn't, but a modder added the feature into the game. So I could burn it if I wanted to."
Bosmer: "But how would you burn it? You don't have any magicka left, so you can't cast any fire-based spells!"
Sinder Velvin: "But I have this lighter! What about this?"
Bosmer: "There are no lighters in Elder Scrolls!"
Sinder Velvin: "No, no, no, there are no lighters in Morrowind. But Cyrodiil is much more advanced technologically."
Bosmer: "I don't know, I haven't been here much. You know what? We'll let you go for now, and go see if there are any lighters in Cyrodiil or not. If there aren't any, you're dead. If there are any, you're dead."
Sinder Velvin: "Alright, thanks for sparing my life."
Bosmer: "Don't worry. It's temporary."
And that's when the group of Bosmer left. I had succesfully bluffed them into leaving me alone, but they would eventually return for me. I knew it and I had to hide somewhere. Or kill them somehow. Anyway, I decided to resume my journey to the nearest city.
As I climbed a hill, I could see the tall walls of the nearest city. I came closer to it and eventually reached its gate, which was wide open. Inside, I could see that the city was almost empty and that there were only 3 people in it. I approached one of the three people.
Sinder Velvin: "Greetings!"
Breton: "Hello, traveller. Might I inquire what you are doing here?"
Sinder Velvin: "Oh, I came here to ask about somebody. But... I came here yesterday and there were a lot of people. What happened to them?"
Breton: "Well, as you might know, this Radiant A.I. thing is very, very advanced. Ever since it was added, the people of Cyrodiil have become highly intelligent. So intelligent that they want to become even more intelligent. That's why all the NPCs are trying to form one big army to be able to capture the developers and to force them to make the Radiant A.I. even better. Quite an evil plot, if you ask me."
Sinder Velvin: "And why are you still here, then?"
Breton: "Well, only the unique individuals left. The few of us cookie-cutter NPCs stayed behind."
Sinder Velvin: "But your dialogue appears to be quite unique."
Breton: "No, it's not. Talk to the other two guys here and they'll say the very same things."
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, okay. Listen, who is the nearest developer?"
Breton: "The nearest developer? That would be Todd Howard. But I don't think that you can find him before the mob of angry NPCs can."
Sinder Velvin: "We'll see about that. Say, do you also know where Todd Howard is?"
Breton: 2Atakes Sinder Velvin's map and points to the location of Todd Howard2A
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, thanks. Do you have any horses?"
Breton: "Why? Are you hungry?"
Sinder Velvin: "No, but I need a horse to get to Todd Howard in time."
Breton: "You'd never get there in time with a horse. Of course, you could use a Divine Intervention spell to get there quickly."
Sinder Velvin: "Good idea. Ok, see you later."
Breton: "Good luck, Sinder Velvin."
I used the spell and found myself in the nearest Nine Divines cult shrine. It was completely empty, of course, since all the NPCs had left. I left the shrine, drank a potion of Restore Fatigue and started running to the field where Todd Howard was. I quickly saw a huge army of NPCs approaching a single man. I rushed to the man's aid and asked him:
Sinder Velvin: "Are you, by any chance, Todd Howard?"
Imperial: "No, I'm the Imperial who tricked you."
Sinder Velvin: "But what happened to Todd Howard?"
Imperial: "What, you actually thought that there would be a developer in the game!?"
Sinder Velvin: "Well..."
Imperial: "Sorry, Dark Elf, but this was all just a trap to make sure you don't get away this time."
I turned towards the army of NPCs and saw, to my horror, that they were all Bosmer.
Imperial: "You can't escape now!"
Sinder Velvin: "But how come you're in league with these Bosmer?"
Imperial: "I'm only allied with them because I want to kill you. After all, you brought that toothpick too late."
Sinder Velvin: "But I didn't know that the quests in Oblivion had time limits!"
Imperial: "Well, they don't. But we NPCs are too smart to just sit around and wait several months for an adventurer to finnaly finish a quest!"
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, buddy, it's not my fault! If anybody is to blame, it's the developers!"
Imperial: "You know, you're right. Sorry for trying to kill you, then. I'm really sorry."
Sinder Velvin: "Apologies accepted. And... uh... I didn't catch your name."
Imperial: "Oh, my name is Crassius Curio."
Sinder Velvin: "But... You don't look like Uncle Crassius."
Imperial: "I've had a facelift, dearie. Ah, I remember you now, sweet bits!"
Sinder Velvin: "Ok, so there's Uncle Crassius there and Bosmer there. All I need now are hordes of cliff racers."
Bosmer: "Yeah, about the cliff racers, we realized that they didn't stick with the lore, so we killed them all."
Sinder Velvin: "Right... Uncle Crassius, do you happen to have any toothpicks with you?"
Uncle Crassius: "Sorry, but I'm all out of them."
Sinder Velvin: "Well, could you please tell me how to defeat the Bosmer?"
Uncle Crassius: "Take this bazooka. It will be much easier to kill the Bosmer with it."
Sinder Velvin: "A bazooka? In Elder Scrolls? How did you get it?"
Uncle Crassius: "Modders."
Sinder Velvin: "I think I'm starting to like these modders..."
And that's the tale of how I killed a lot of Bosmer.
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter