I had battled dangerous rabbits, mad chickens, furious monkeys and malevolent penguins, but what I faced now was more terrible than anything I had ever encountered. It was not a creature, it was a quest. Some called these quests "FedEx quests", but I knew better. I knew the truth. But let me begin from the beginning, since that's where everything starts in the first place.
I was walking through a forest one afternoon, minding my own business, when I met an Imperial on the road. Seeing as there were not many NPCs in this game, I was surprised to find one in the middle of nowhere, so I went to him to see if was a unique NPC or just a cookie-cutter.
Sinder Velvin: "Hello, traveller. What are you doing here?"
Imperial: "You're asking me what I'm doing? Do you actually think that I'm not here for any purpose? Ah, that's what all you annoying players think, that all of us NPCs are cookie-cutters! Arrogant player... Do you even know how hard it is to be an NPC? Back in the old days, it was much easier. All you had to do was to sit in the middle in the street and move a few meters every five hours or so, so it was not a hard job. Sure, the occassional player would come and cut you to pieces, but it was an honest living. Recently, however, those darned developers decided to include this Radiant A.I.! So now we have to sleep, to eat, to drink, to work! So I have two jobs now: I'm an NPC and I'm also a merchant! 'It's to maintain the realism', the developers said. I can't believe that I let them talk me into it! What a fool I was! And the job doesn't even pay well! I think I'm going to burst into tears..."
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah, whatever."
Imperial: "You don't even care, do you? Ah, that's what all you arrogant players do! You don't even care about us NPCs! We've got feelings, too, you know."
Sinder Velvin: "Right... Are there any quests that you can offer me or can I just go on my way?"
Imperial: "Quests, uh? Always with the darned quests! Do you think that everybody wants to give you a quest? Some people are just fine, you know. They don't need any adventurers to fetch potions for them or slay monsters! Really, isn't there anything that you do besides doing quests?"
Sinder Velvin: "Oh, I do many other things. For example, I kill annoying NPCs..."
Imperial: "Now, now, there's no need to kill annoying NPCs! I'm sure we can strike a bargain! Hey, how about I give you a quest in exchange for my life?"
Sinder Velvin: "That depends on the reward."
Imperial: "How about... uh... 5 gold pieces?"
Sinder Velvin: "Try giving those to a beggar. Now, any last words?"
Imperial: "Ok, I have a really nice quest for you with a huge reward! We're talking about Ebony and Daedric artifacts here! Heck, you could even take on Darth W. Dodo with this stuff!"
Sinder Velvin: "Great! Where do I sign?"
Imperial: "Um... yes, right over here. So, are you ready for the quest?"
Sinder Velvin: "Certainly."
Imperial: "Just so you know, it's a very long quest. An epic one, in fact."
Sinder Velvin: "Cool."
Imperial: "So you're ready?"
Sinder Velvin: "Yeah."
Imperial: "Alright, go to the nearest city and buy me a toothpick."
Sinder Velvin: "You've got to be kidding me."
Imperial: "No, I'm serious. I'll use the toothpick to point you to a huge dungeon with great treasure."
Sinder Velvin: "And how are you supposed to do that?"
Imperial: "It's a long story, Player. And I'm a busy person. But trust me: I know some tricks."
Sinder Velvin: "Hmm... It does sound strange, but I'll do anything that makes me rich."
Imperial: "It's good to hear that. Now, get on your way.
Although I doubted that this quest would be very fun, the artifacts that had been promised to me were incredibly powerful. Thus, I began my long journey to the nearest city. The details of this journey were not way too interesting, as I met no worthy foes on the way. Nope, just flying cows and several dozen Bosmer. I only killed the Bosmer because they resembled Fargoth. Anyway, I reached the city and went to the nearest trader, where I bough a toothpick. I went back to the forest where I had met the Imperial, but this time he was nowhere to be found. I just found a note on the ground which told me to enter the nearest cave and kill the dragon inside using the toothpick.
What? Dragons in Oblivion? Who had heard of such a thing? And how was I supposed to kill a dragon with a toothpick? But I still drooled for those Ebony and Daedric artifacts, so I decided to enter the nearest cave. It wasn't too hard to find the cave, since, this time, the developers had added a sort of a radar that showed me where to find quest-important locations and items.
Inside the cave, I met many foes that I easily dispatched. They were just goblins and stuff, nothing major. Eventually, I reached a great hallway full of columns. At the end of the hallway, there was somebody in Dark Brotherhood clothes. As I approached the person, it turned towards me and said:
Unknown Person: "Greetings and salutations. I have a feeling that you and I are about to become very close."
The person smirked. And then it struck me. "This creature was an abomination. It was a Bosmer."
Sinder Velvin: "You're a Bosmer, aren't you?"
Bosmer: "Not just any Bosmer. I'm Fargoth the Assasin."
Sinder Velvin: "Last time I met you, you were no Assasin. And didn't I kill you already?"
Fargoth: "You didn't kill me. You thought that you killed me, but I survived. I joined the Dark Brotherhood and became an Assasin, hoping to one day have my revenge on you."
Sinder Velvin: "Well, here I am. Hmm... Do you really want to die again?"
Fargoth: "Don't you understand that I never died?"
Sinder Velvin: "Hey, I even disposed of your corpse! Don't you tell me that you didn't die!"
Fargoth: "Okay, you killed me."
Sinder Velvin: "Then how come you're still alive?"
Fargoth: "A modder added me in Oblivion, so that I could take my revenge on you."
Sinder Velvin: "Well, bring it on, you sawn-off-a-birch!"
Fargoth: "Don't you talk about trees, you hear me? If you do anything to the trees, you're dead!"
So it had all been a plot to kill me. Nasty.
Anyway, Fargoth approached me and I could see that he had lots of Dwemer Darts, Poisoned Throwing Stars and Poisoned Throwing Knives to throw at me.
Sinder Velvin: "Sorry, tree-hugger, but there are no throwing weapons in Oblivion. Which means that what you have over there doesn't exist!"
As I said those words, the throwing weapons in Fargoth's hands vanished.
Fargoth: "That's too bad, but I also have these Ebony Arrows of Slaying over here. And a Daedric Longbow. And you know what arrows do in Oblivion..."
Fargoth grinned evilly. This time, I was frightened. The Ebony Arrows of Slaying were the deadliest arrows throughout Nirn, and I knew this. So did Fargoth.
Fargoth: "Any last words, fool?"
Sinder Velvin: "Put that bow down or I'll destroy this toothpick! It's made of wood, you know!"
Fargoth: "No, not the toothpick! Anything but the toothpick!"
Sinder Velvin: "Put your bow and arrows down and come over here!"
Fargoth: "Okay! Okay! Just don't do anything to the toothpick!"
The Bosmer threw the bow and the arrows on the floor and then approached me. I wanted to punch him, but he had a hidden dagger that he used to stab me in the torso. As I fell on the floor, I was overwhelmed with frustration and pain... And I pressed F9, thus loading the last saved game.
Luckily, I had made the last saved game right when Fargoth had thrown the bow and the arrows down. This time, when he approached me, I said the following:
Sinder Velvin: "I know you also have a dagger. Put it down."
He did as I asked and then, with a grin, I destroyed the toothpick.
Seeing the toothpick destroyed, Fargoth had a seizure and fell to the ground. I stabbed him 20 times, all the time repeating the words "peanut butter" to myself.
And that is the tale of how Fargoth died a second death. Now, if any of you modders have the smart idea of adding Fargoth in the game again, know that you won't live long...
(c)2005 Sinder Velvin
On to the next Chapter