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Pages: 1, 2
Acadian
This was lovely, Ornomint! Well done, and a pleasure to read.

Let me quote a couple wonderful segments:

QUOTE
"I wasn't in uniform last night," Lex stated, his face as cold as his tone. "But I am on duty now, and I can arrest you for making unwanted advances. You will not make a public display." Unwanted. The word slapped Mandila across the face, and her expression fell. Oh, the hurt that her face was probably broadcasting could not be good. She didn't want this man to know the extent of the hold that he had over her, but she couldn't help it. The gleam vanished from her eyes, and she felt her dancing spirit retracting in upon itself.
Very poingnantly powerful stuff. sad.gif

QUOTE
Mandila checked her surroundings and saw that, as expected, no guards were afoot. They'd be changing the watch right about now, and most patrols had been stopped for the night. With a smile, she crept toward her target's home and began fiddling with the lock. It was a complicated one, but the click of success had never been sweeter to her ears or more timely, for she could hear the guards approaching as the last pin was pushed into place. By the time that the armored men were within eyesight, Mandila was safely inside of the house, the door shut behind her.
Simply a magnificently immersive description of Mandi's breaking and entering. emot-ninja1.gif


Looks like a tiny nit here:
QUOTE
"You're just lucky, I guess," she teased. Lex 'humphed' and tightened his grip on her when she began slipping downward, but the action made her to sharply inhale in pain as his arm grazed her wound. "My apologies," he said.
I suspect the bolded 'to' is an extraneous oversight.

Destri Melarg
This was priceless:
QUOTE
“Of course it was only a joke.” Sort of. Not really. Gods, I’d love to kiss him again.


QUOTE
She had no idea when her fascination had progressed this far, but she blamed it on him for having started to talk back to her, and for playing that trick on her after the swimming incident. If he had just ignored her attentions like he always had, everything would be fine right now.

Ah, the beautiful complexity of the female mind!

QUOTE
Now she was posed to strike, for in a few minutes, the owner of a nearby house would leave for her evening stroll.

Was this supposed to be poised to strike? It actually works either way, I was just wondering. Also the second comma isn’t really needed.

Here is a question: If Mandila threw an enchanted dagger at an ancestral ghost, wouldn’t it cause damage on contact? Were you implying that her throw missed the ghost?
QUOTE
She nearly feel down the stairs in her hurry to avoid whatever spell was being hurled at her, and as the wrath chased her, . . .

Mandila was so frightened that the ‘i’ was scared out of the wraith.

QUOTE
She knew that a ball of energy was flying at her back as her hands began pulling on the door, for the spell’s brightness cast her shadow against the wall . . .

This is a fantastic detail!

QUOTE
she was sure that she was bleeding, even if her numbed mind didn’t yet realize it.

This is slightly confusing. If she is sure that she is bleeding, then her mind does realize it. Perhaps you should change that to ‘her numbed body.’

Poor Mandila, hung-over in the morning, burnt to a crisp by nightfall! More!
SubRosa
Whew! You just keep ratcheting up the tension between the two. I do not know what might happen first. Lex arresting Madila, or him falling as madly in love with her as she is with him! A delightful quandry!

Sort of. Not really. Gods, I'd love to kiss him again.
I love it!
treydog
Chapter 4
The whole swimming scene was inspired! And it is interesting to watch Lex slowly drawn into engaging with Mandila, even as he continues to think he is only doing his job. But that is the beauty of the long con- the mark believes he is in charge every step of the way. Not to imply that Mandila is not sincere- she clearly is- just that courtship and grifting have a great deal in common.

Chapter 5

“In fact, Mandila couldn't think of a single occasion when the captain didn't look in top form.”

I quoted that sentence because of how much it does with just a few words. Economy is a mark of good
writing- and it is shown in that line.

And almost immediately after that, we have:

“He was studying her in the same manner that she might have eyed a locked door—thinking about how it worked and the easiest way to open it.”

Simply brilliant- a wonderful use of simile that is perfectly suited to the characters and the setting.

“…watched two young Nords having a spitting contest from the ship's upper deck…”

And that is how to do world-building. Add those details that no one ever thinks of that make the place live and breathe.

Post length- On the one hand, I believe in the advice Abraham Lincoln gave his son about how long a person’s legs should be…. On the other, finding natural “break points,” even within chapters can work quite well. And on the third paw- somewhere around 800-2000 words seems to be a comfortable length for most forum posts.

Chapter 6

What’s not to like about this one? Enjoyable throughout, as our inebriated, infatuated Bosmer finds herself in WAY over her (soon-to-be-aching) head.

Chapter 7

“At least she hadn't thrown up on them. In fact, she was quite proud of herself on that account.”
We take our victories where we can find them…

The attack in the Dunmer’s house had my heart pounding. You pile up the tension on that one ‘til I could barely stand it.
SubRosa
I think I found your Hiernymous Lex: Ewan McGregor
mALX
Mandila's inner dialogue keeps me laughing! You have really developed her character so well !!!
treydog
Will it help us get an update if I make sad puppy dog eyes? If so, consider it done. (I can also add a sad kitty face...)
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