Just to be clear, I am not trying to damage anyone's credibility (and if I were, I would likely go further than critiquing that individual's grammar). Also, I am not planning to engage in debate on your grammar, whether here or elsewhere. The only reason I pointed it out was for the benefit of others.

Wonderful! You have created a character that is interesting, endearing and vulnerable. What's not to love?

I quite like how you summarized the previous episode before you began. It snaps us right into where you want us to be.

You are still excelling at the 'show' vs 'tell'. Here you gave us a feel for her journeys without specifically reporting them to us. You also showed us exactly how old she is now by detailing her nineteenth birthday. And what a birthday present! I'm looking forward to learning more of Rihanae.

A troubling fortune telling compelling Lissa to return to Cyrodiil. I know she has received some bow training; I hope it will help her as she heads south.

Over all, your story is shaping into an excellent passion-driven tale of an endearing character. Again, wonderful!

I agree with Grits in liking Lissa's informal manner of speech that carries into her narrative. That is one of the privileges of writing a story in the delightfully intimate first person.

*

So sorry to point out a couple nits for consideration:

'We sat in Jak’s cottage. It was very homely, I felt very safe.'
I think you want 'homey' here, not homely. At least that's the impression I get from your context.

“So, are you ready for this?” said Falvor, yet another old Reguard mage. I love Hammerfell. So many young men.'
It struck me as a bit odd to follow mention of 'yet another old Redguard' by being pleased to find 'so many young men'. The latter observation seemed somewhat contradicted by the first, or at least not supported by it. Just a thought. EDIT: After reading the comment below of wise mALX, you know I'll bet she's right. If you meant it to be sarcasm, please forgive my old thick head.

“Then I’ll take a crriage.”
carriage

A nice little piece of character building. And now Lissa has the assets of a marksman skill and a spirit guide to aid her when she returns to Cyrodiil...to face who knows what? Very enjoyable and keeping me coming back.

GAAAAH! I love this chapter !!! My fave parts:

Her friendship with Jak grown so close - it skipped over a lot I would have loved to have read, but that's okay!!

Next - "pick the blue dress.” - loved that the spirit guide is also fashion advisor - that made me laugh !!




This had me rolling !!! Great sarcasm !!!





BWAAAA! Snork, snork ... how sad! Poor Lissa - but what a powerful note to end the chapter with !!

AWESOME WRITE !!!!!

Count Lauriel: Thank you for a very positive response, and thank you for reading

Grits: Thank you It seem's Lissa's particular style of speech is to everyone's taste

King Coin: Haha, well he might be! you never know! But im sure he isn't

SubRosa: Again thank you for the kind words, and also thank you for helping me with my edits

Thomas Kaira & Ceidwad: The page consuming debate aside, that you for the comments

Acadian: Thank you I'm glad that you enjoy reading Lissa's story and yes, the 'young men' part was intended to be portrayed as sarcasm. I apologise if that didn't come across immediatly.

TheOtherRick: Thank you. I'm glad that you are enjoying Lissa's journal

mALX: Haha, thank you for the enthusiastic compliments. I'm glad that you found Rihanae's sense of fashion amusing, he may seem like a bit of a misery, but hopefully him and Lissa will learn to love each other

So... here it is. The dreaded tutorial dungeon chapter. Hopefully Lissa's particular sense of life will make it different. Enjoy. Also, a small segement of the chapter is courtesy of Count Lauriel

PREVIOUSLY: After two years of travelling Lissa made it to Hammerfell, where she met Jak, a mage and master of marksman. She studied under him for a year, learning the art of the bow. on her nineteenth birthday she recieved a Guardian Stone, a magical sapphire which enables her to communicate with her Guardian Spirit, Rihanae. She also recieved a reading from a fortune teller named Falvor, who told her that if she didn't go back to Cyrodiil, many people would die. After a tearful goodbye, Lissa decided's to go back to Cyrodiil.

The only question was how would she...

CHAPTER 2 ~ PRISON BREAK

I woke up; my head was pounding. I stood up off the dirty, concrete floor and took in my surroundings. Prison.

Darn. I thought it was just a dream.

Apart from my Guardian Stone, which I smuggled in my hair, I had nothing to my name. no money, no weapons, no lipstick. It was awful.

I noticed a small table with a single stool in the corner of the clammy cell, a single ray of light beaming across from a sorry excuse for a window. I sat on the stool, thinking about why I was in this mess.

That’s the last time I stowaway in a first class carriage. It’s a bit of a severe punishment though…

Reality didn’t even hit me. I just sat on the stool, thinking about how awful my clothes were. A cloth shirt with disgusting trousers.

And the colour! Eurgh...

It was not the best outfit in the world, but it was better than nothing.

I guess I’m l lucky that no-one is around to see me wearing-

“Why, hello there pretty Redguard! Aren’t you a fine example of the female form!” There was male Dunmer stood in the cell opposite mine.

Eww…

“One of the guards owes me a favour. I could have you moved into my cell in minutes… if you like.” The sleaziness in his voice was more of a turn off than a turn on.
I stood up from the stool and walked over to the cell door, staring the Dunmer in the eye.

“Oh, I do hope you’re not talking to me, because if you are, when I’m released, I’ll have you singing the falsetto quicker than you can protect yourself. Do you understand me?”

“Oh, the Redguard has fire in her. I like that.” Suddenly the Dunmer stopped speaking. His attention turned to the sound of soldier walking down the prison steps. “Oh here they come! To take you away!”
I panicked, slightly. These soldiers sounded quite terrifying. I heard the voice of a female, who sounded very uptight. I knew before I saw her that I wasn’t going to like her. Before long the soldiers, three of them, were standing by my cell door. There was a man standing behind them. He wore very royal looking robes. His hair was white and his face was old.

“WHAT!? What is this prisoner doing here! This cell was supposed to be off limits!” shouted the female soldier. She may have been very forthright, but at least I was prettier than her.

“You. Stand by the window. Now.” said another soldier. A male Redguard. A young male Redguard. I did what he said and walked over to the window. I tried to look as attractive as I could, but that was a challenge when you were wearing an empty potato sack. The soldiers walked over to a wall in the far right corner of the cell.

“Now the passage should be over here. There is a loose brick which is a secret switch. Ah, here it is.”

The female soldier pushed a brick, causing the wall to open. As this was happening, the old mane turned his attention towards me.

“You. I’ve seen you before. In my dreams…”

“…Thanks?” I replied, slightly confused. Was he flirting? Or was he senile?

He turned back towards the soldiers, “She comes with us. No questions.”

The guards looked as if they were ready to protest, but they resisted. “Yes, Emperor.”
Emperor!?

The Emperor, again, turned towards me.

“Come with us.”

An early release AND the Emperor is speaking to me? Wow…

* * *

I followed the party through the ruins of what appeared to be some sort of tomb, I wasn’t to sure. The architecture was like nothing I had seen before. It was quite large, and I was tempted to shout just to see if it echoed, but I thought that wouldn’t go down well with the soldiers.

Suddenly we were attacked from all around us. There were men in red and black armour trying to attack the Emperor. The soldiers readied themselves for a fight, while I tried to keep the Emperor safe, mainly by hiding with him in a dark corner.

The battle was intense. Blood splattered the walls of the ancient building, but soon enough all the bad guys were dead… but so was the female soldier.

“Captain Renault…” grieved the Emperor. She may have been a stuck up idiot, but she fought well.

“Emperor, we have to keep going.” said the Redguard soldier, and then he turned to me. “You stay here.”

"Oh, but…"

The emperor looked and me, smiled and nodded. The party walked through a gate at the far end of the room, leaving me on my own.

“Lissa, Look over there. That wall is weak. You can knock it down.” said Rihanae.

I noticed the wall of which he spoke and, as he said, it was weak. I readied myself and shoulder rammed the wall. I could feel if moving, but I needed more power. After repeating my actions a few times the wall crumbled, to reveal a dank and stench ridden cavern.

I strolled cautiously through the cavern, spotting something that peaked my interest. A single bow and a quiver of about two dozen arrows attached to a skeleton, which also wore a full set of what appeared to be leather armour. I wasn’t even remotely bothered about touching, and breaking, the skeleton, I was just happy that I was finally armed.

* * *

The rest of the cavern was more than a little bit dangerous. On more than one occasion I was attacked by rats, which I easily took care of, and there was even a zombie, which I found slightly disturbing. My journey led me to a wide open space. A huge circular cave, which had a large dip in the centre which housed some caged rats.

Well, this is rather peculiar…

Then I saw something, something quite nasty.

GOBLINS! Okay, now not so peculiar.

I had no idea what I was going to do from there, so I tried to sneak past them. I wanted to save my arrows, so avoiding detection seemed like the best answer. I could see the exit, which I slowly headed for. Everywhere I turned there seemed to be a goblin. There was even a goblin mage, which I’d never seen before, but was careful not to attract.

I remained in the shadows, creeping past the intellectually challenged creatures, eventually making it to the exit. As I began to head out, something brittle snapped loudly beneath my foot. I jerked my head up and round, to be met by the stares of every Goblin in the cavern. I didn't think, I spun and sprinted towards what I thought was the way out. I ducked under a stalagmite, but not low enough. It clipped my shoulder and sent me spinning. I scrambled to my feet and tried to re-orient myself. The goblins were still on my tail, so I continued to sprint for my life.

I didn't think it would end well.

Notgonnamakeitgonnadie!
* * *

I managed to lose the goblins, and I found an entrance back into the tomb. At the end of the cavern there was a large hole gouged through the wall. I jumped through the hole and into the tomb. I could hear the voice of the Emperor, and relief overcame me. I followed the voice and found the party, all still intact. They were by a gate; the Redguard was trying, yet failing, to unlock it.

“It’s no use, it won’t budge. We’ll have to find another way.” said the Redguard.

I noticed there was another room on the left hand side of the locked gate, so I spoke up.

“What about this room here?”

The party all turned to look at me. The Emperor looked pleased to see me. The soldiers did not.

“What are you doing here?” said the other soldier. He unsheathed his sword and came towards me. “Careful, she might be working with the assassins!”

“No, she’s not. This girl is innocent." the Empereor turned to face me. "Please, accompany me to this room of which you speak. We must talk.” said the Emperor. I obeyed his orders and entered the room with him, with the soldiers remaining outside, keeping guard. The Emperor began to speak again; I could feel a lecture coming on.

“Now we are free from my guards I must inform you that you are key to the survival of Cyrodiil’s people…”
He went on about oblivion, saving the world, his assassinated sons. I spaced out, to be honest.

After his speech he took his amulet off from around his neck and handed it to me. “You must take this Amulet to a man named Jauffre. He resides in the Weynon Priory just outside of Chorrol. Speak to him. Tell him that there is another heir-“

I heard fighting outside. The sound of blades clanging made me nervous, but I knew we were safe. Well, until an assassin came out of nowhere and within miliseconds he killed the Emperor before my eyes. I was shocked as I had no clue as to where he came from. Startled, I fell to the floor. The assassin began to slowly walk towards me. I froze in fear as he lifted his sword ready to plunge it into me.

“You’re going to regret helping the Emperor, Redguard.” threatened the assassin. I closed my eyes, sure of death, when I heard the assassin collapse with a crash to the floor. I opened my eyes. The Redguard soldier stood before me, offering a hand. He killed the assassin. The other soldier was nowhere to be seen.

“Are you ok?” he asked

I brushed myself off before I answered. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.”

“The Emperor. I can’t believe he’s gone. I’ve failed him… did he say anything before he passed?”

“Apart from a gasp of surprise, nothing really. Not anything interesting anyway, but he did give me this amulet.”

“By the Nine! He trusted you with this?”

“I guess. I’ve got to give it to some guy called Jeffrey.”

“Jauffre.”

“Jafferey?”

“Jauffre.”

“Jauffre?”

“Yeah. He’s the head of my order, the Blades. If the Emperor said you have to go to him, then you have to.” He fumbled around in his pocket for a bit, before unveiling a key. “Here, take this. This’ll get you to the sewers, which if you follow will get you out of here.” He handed me the key, then smiled at me. “I’m guessing you’re an Archer. Am I right?”

“Nope. I’m an Archress.”

“An Archress?”

“Yes.”

“So… an Archer?”

“No, an ArchRESS.”

“Okay.” He looked slightly puzzled, but he turned serious again. “You have to go. Now. And please, Be careful.”

* * *

After trekking through dirty water in the rancid sewer I made it to the exit, a single beam of light revealing daylight from the outside. I opened the exit gate and ran towards my freedom.

Fresh air! Sun! FLOWERS!

I danced beautifully with glee at the beauty of my daring escape, of which the end result was to say the least, beautiful.

But before I caused my self an injury from my, frankly, brilliant moves, I stopped to think.

I’ve got to get to Jeffrey immediately… then to Anvil.

This was only the beginning of what was to come…

Another fantastic section, Rihanae. You bring Lissa very much to life.

The only critiscism I can make, is that sometimes in places where I feel there should be a sense of urgency, there is none.


This part in particular. I'm not very good at the advice, so someone else who's more experienced may be able to help you better. But here goes. Including more description, what Lissa sees and feels, but keeping it short and snappy can (in my experience) help quicken readers pulses.

"Something brittle snapped loudly beneath my foot. I jerked my head up and round, to be met by the stares of every Goblin in the cavern. I didn't think, I spun and sprinted towards what I thought was the way out. I ducked under a stalagmite, but not low enough. It clipped my shoulder and sent me spinning. I scrambled to my feet and tried to re-orient myself."

This is merely what I would have done though. It's your story and feel free to disregard what I say. I may be completely wrong, haha.



Lmao! This is very well done, and very Lissa.

Edit: Formatting.

Thank you for the advice. I put your segement in the chapter, and i acknowledged that it was your segment in the description bit before the chapter

You may wish to make it your own though. That was a very quick "off the top of my head". Regardless, keep up the good work!

I did change one or two things, but IMO it seemed perfect for the situation

Then all is well!

Your character is quite whimsical. Make sure she takes note to listen to Jauffre's lectures, now! We don't want her to go off into that place without proper preparations, do we?

Typical, typical teenage (or college age) girl.... Next thing we know she'll be thinking the most important thing about a visit to Oblivion is not having split ends or something.

Couple of nits:

I think you mean "too" here.

This is something I wanted to touch on in the previous chapter, but I had given you quite enough to work with already so I let it slide. I would advise against using numbers in your descriptions unless you have no other choice, or you absolutely to the bottom of your gut feel that they are needed. It's much more fun to read "a quiver half-filled with arrows," or "a quiver filled to the britches with arrows" than it is to give us numbers.

For small numbers (IMHO, up to five), it's okay to give us a number (just spell it out instead of using the numerical character) because that is an amount that can easily be counted on sight. 30, on the other hand, is not. It's up to you to judge what amount is the limit, but I feel that the absolute maximum is ten. Anything over ten, it is better to omit the numbers.

which I smuggled in my hair
So now we know she did not smuggle it somewhere else...

no money, no weapons, no lipstick.
Oh noes! (You also forgot to capitalize the first word in the sentence).

I tried to look as attractive as I could, but that was a challenge when you were wearing an empty potato sack.
Yep, Lissa is a girly-girl alright!

I remained in the shadows, creeping past the intellectually challenged creatures, eventually making it to the exit. As I began to head out, something brittle snapped loudly beneath my foot.
So much for being smart!

The party all turned to look at me. The Emperor looked pleased to see me. The soldiers did not.
I loved this paragraph, and the way that you re-inserted Lissa into the Royal party by having her point out the fateful side passage. Then Lissa spacing out while the Emperor spoke to her was just hilarious.

Apart from a gasp of surprise, nothing really.


The Archer/Archress exchange was hilarious, especially following so closely on the heels of Jeffrey/Jauffre!

All in all a fun part. I see a lot of humor surfacing in Lissa, that really lifts the story.

nits:
were stood by my cell door.
I think you meant standing.

There was a man stood behind them.
Same thing here. Or you might just delete stood. The sentence works fine without it.

His hair was white, {and} his face was old.
You are missing an {and} where I inserted it above.

“Now the passage should be over here. There is a loose brick which is a secret switch. Ah, here it is.”
The female soldier pushed a brick, causing the wall to open. As this was happening, the old mane turned his attention towards me.
The hungry forum ate your space between paragraphs here.

As this was happening, the old mane turned his attention towards me.
I think a Khajiit stole your man and replaced him with a mane.

The guards looked as if they were ready to protest, but they resisted. “Yes, Emperor.”
Emperor!?
The hungry forum is at it again.

“Emperor, we have to keep going.” said the Redguard soldier, and then he turned to me. “You stay here.”
Oh, but…
Same here.

After repeating my actions a few Times the wall crumbled,
That should be a lowercase times there.

To add to what Thomas "Captain Cook" Kaira said about the number of arrows, I humbly submit that saying two dozen, or three dozen, etc... works well with moderately large numbers.

which had a large dip in the centre which homed some caged rats.
I think you wanted housed here.

They were stood by a gate; the Redguard was trying, yet failing, to unlock it.
You can just delete the were here.

“It’s no use, it won’t budge. We’ll have to find another way.” said the Redguard.
I noticed there was another room on the left hand side of the locked gate, so I spoke up.
Hungry forum once more.

“Now we are free from my guards I must inform you that you are key to the survival of Cyrodiil’s people…”
He went on about oblivion, saving the world, his assassinated sons. I spaced out, to be honest.
And again.

The Redguard Soldier stood before me
No need to capitalize soldier.

I lol'd at that

Good explanation of what was going on in the prison. I never did find out what my character was in for...

Hi Rihanae. I’m Destri. I was hooked at ‘Redguard Archress’. We can never have enough Redguard stories, in my opinion.

SubRosa’s advice to you after the first post was right on target (as is usual with her). I got the impression that you might have been a bit confused as to how to remedy the tendency to info dump. And I also know that there aren’t a lot of examples to give you a concrete knowledge of what all of that really means. I am certainly no expert, but I might be able to help.

Take this statement made by Maelona in the prologue:

The two bold sentences are an info dump. All of the information presented already exists through action in the story. We see Mother’s worry when she clings to Lissa during the lesson, and explains her motivations for it. We see Lissa’s penchant for exploration when she ventures into that cave, in spite of her father’s orders. Like ‘Rosa said, you are already showing us these things organically through the story.

Now take Maelona. She goes into that room at the beginning of the story to wake up her sister. The fact that she gently scolds her sister in the process gives us at least an inkling of their relationship, which is reaffirmed when she retrieves her sister’s wayward amulet. Without telling us we are led to the conclusion that Maelona is the older sister who loves Lissa very much. And like an older sibling she feels responsible for her sister, even when that sister can be exasperating. That’s what you’ve shown us in the space of a few lines of dialogue and action without telling us anything other than the fact that Lissa is late for her Restoration lesson. That is effective writing.

Prologue Part 2:

I found the solution to the mystery presented in the first part of the prologue interesting. Lissa’s father was herding ‘sustenance’ to that cave to keep a vampire from preying on his family. I especially liked the fact that, as he died, he viewed his actions as cowardly. That speaks volumes of his sense of right and wrong and makes him easy to respect as a character. That was why it was so hard to see him exit so early. I can also understand why his death prompted Lissa to adjust her planned date of departure.

Chapter 1:

This felt a little rushed to me. It was almost as if you wanted to get the boring bits in Hammerfell over with so that the real story could begin. Be careful not to make that mistake. In Jak and Falvor you give us two incredibly uncommon personages . . . namely Redguard mages. In Hammerfell! As a rule Redguards revile and despise the use of magick, and they feel an almost pathological mistrust of those who practice it. Covering the year that Lissa spends with Jak in the space of a single sentence cheats yourself (and the reader) of some wonderful story possibilities. During that year we could have seen her grow as a person (as well as an archress). We could have seen her confronted with the intolerance and cruelty of members of her own race who hate her new friend and mentor. We could have been given some indication of her growing fondness for Jak that would have resonated with us when she finds herself forced to leave him.

I also thought it was strange that, once you established Lissa’s guardian spirit, you chose to keep him/her silent during and after Falvor’s reading.

Chapter 2

I absolutely loved this:

Just as Lissa is getting a little full of herself, fate (or the Nine) decides to knock her down!

Once again ‘Rosa’s nits are well observed. I have nothing to add to them. Likewise TK’s advice on the use of numbers (and on the use of conjunctions) is sound.

I’ll look forward to more.

This is great fun! Lissa continues to be a charming character.

We see now how she 'afforded' her carriage and what it cost her. Must be fate!

I loved the Jeffrey/Jauffre exchange.

Yes, I completly agree with your comments about this chapter. i will work on it and give it more depth.I did read the lore on Redguards but i must of not read the part about magic. I will keep Jak and Falvor as mages, but I will have them as loathed characters to the people of Dragonstar. I will work on it shortly.

I got a huge kick out of the lack of ability to communicate between Baurus and Lissa - Really funny!

I think you did a wonderful job at taking a part of the game we all know (ad nauseam) and making it your own - and did it solely by the great personality of Lissa!!

Your story stays interesting and Lissa gives a very genuine accounting of herself in it !! Loving this, please keep up the great work !!!!

mALX: Again, thank you for the compliments. I'm very happy that you enjoy Lissa's story so much!

Acadian: I'm glad that you are enjoying the journal, and that Lissa's personality is coming across :)

SubRosa: Haha, I thought I'd better explain exactly WHERE Lissa hid the sapphire for that reason :)
Thank you for the nits. Edited

Everyone else: Thank you for the compliments :)

This next chapter is in three short parts. It also introuduces an original character of mine, Jessie, a Bosmer.

PREVIOUSLY: After stowing away in a first class carriage from Hammerfell to Cyrodiil, she was dicovered and sent to prison. Whilst in prison she met the emporer and his guards, who she escaped the prison with. she witnessed the assasination of the emporer, to gave her an amulet to give to a man named Jauffre. She left the prison via a sewer system and is now headed for Chorrol.

Chapter 3 ~ The Imperial City ~ Part 1

The Imperial City was, to say the least, enormous. All I noticed whilst entering the capital was the titanic tower in the middle of the city. As I walked through the busy streets I thought to myself about what my plan of action was for that particular moment.

So I can either stay in town for the night or head to Chorrol now…

I couldn’t decide, it was too hard. I wanted to give the amulet to Jeffery so it was out of the way, but I also wanted to explore the city a bit more, maybe get a bite to eat.

I have to find somewhere to buy some decent clothes, anyway.

Seeing as I found at least fifty septims in the dungeon, I thought I may as well do a bit of retail therapy after my ordeal, but I doubted that I would find anything even remotely affordable.

“I suggest you stay in town for the night, at least. Rest up a bit. Jauffre isn’t going anywhere.” Rihanae suggested, and he was right, as always.

I thought about what I would do, where I would go. So many shops, so little time.

“I think your main priority should be getting your bow repaired. It’s in bad shape.”

“Oh hush, you!” I replied, slightly annoyed. Rihanae was getting on my nerves. “My main priority should be having a bath!”

I decided to ask around to find a source of water large enough to bathe in. I thought about the beautiful stretch of water outside the sewer exit, mentally kicking myself for not bathing while i had the chance. I saw and asked a beggar, I thought about giving her money for helping me, if I felt like it. Maybe. I barely had enough money for me.

“Um, excuse me, I’m looking for a public bathing spot. Or a shower. Do you know of any near here?”

The beggar woman looked at me and smiled.

“Yes, please, follow me… for a piece of gold.”

Without protest, I reached into the bag Baurus gave me and took out a single septim. She took it gently from my fingers and thanked me, then beckoned me to follow her.

“So what is your name, Redguard?” she asked.

“Lissa- Lissa Cristenn. I’m an archress from Anvil.”

“How wonderful. My name is Simplicia.” She told me.

“Good to meet you Simplicia. So... where are we going?”

“There is a small stream of water within the city, near the door to the palace. It’s not exactly fresh, but it should do the job.”

So using dirty water to get clean? Genius.

“Is there nowhere... um... more hygienic?” I asked the kind beggar.

She laughed at me, as if I told a really bad joke. Either that or I just have one of those faces you can't help but laugh at.

“I can honestly say, no. The only way you can have a clean bath here is to break into the palace!” we stopped walking as we reached the door she spoke of and, as she said, there was a stream by the door. It smelled.

*

“Well, that was pleasant.” I said, putting my clothes back on. Simplicia smiled at me.

“Imagine bathing in there everyday, child!” Her smile quickly turned into an expectant gaze. “Is there anything else I can help you with?"

“Your repairs, Lissa! It’s important! Get her to take you to a weapon shop, or armouror!” demanded Rihanae.

“You’re boring me now.” I replied. Simplicia looked at me, confused. She must have thought I was talking to her. “No, not you. Um... I need to find a weapon shop. Could you take me to one? For this?”

I reached into my bag and pulled out another gold coin. Simplica had a grateful look on her frail face. She took the coin from my hand.

“Thank you, Lissa. I’ll take you to ‘A Fighting Chance', it’s the best, I’ve heard.”

Simplicia began to walk and i followed, looking at each person I walked past to see if they had a ‘By the Nine what is that SMELL!” look on their face.

*

We didn’t have to walk far to get to ‘A Fighting Chance’, hardly worth the gold to be honest, but if it helped out Simplicia I didn’t mind.

I stood outside the shop door with simplicia, thanked her and she wondered off, no doubt to do more begging, as beggars do. I opened the doors to the shop, and was met by a room full of weaponry. Swords, daggers, bows and other dangerous things. I walked over to the counter where an old-ish woman was writing on some paper. I coughed to hint at my presence, catching her attention. She looked at me.

I don’t believe it!

“Auntie Rohssan!” I screamed with glee in my voice.

“Lissa? what brings you here?” Rohssan replied. She walked around the counter and embraced me; it was wonderful seeing a familial face again.

“You know, got arrested, escaped from prison. The usual!”

“Wait, What?” Rohssan said, slightly confused.

“Its a long story.” I told her.

“I’ve got time.” Rohssan informed me, leading me to a seat.

*

“And now I’ve got to give this to some guy called Jeffrey.” I showed her the amulet.

Rohssan smiled, she seemed quite entertained by my story, strangely.

“Well, you Cristenn women certainly know how to cause trouble!”

“Don’t I know it!” I replied. I went to ask her a question before we were interrupted by the sound of the shop door opening, a red headed Bosmer stood in the doorway. She noticed we were talking and walked sheepishly towards us, holding a fur cuiress in her hands.

“Sorry, Rohssan, but I’m in a bit of a predicament..."

“Did you break your bow again, Jessie?"

“No, not this time. I’ve ripped my cuirass.”

I looked and saw, like she said, a large rip on her cuirass. It looked more like a claw mark, though.

“Oh, I see.” Said Rohssan. She stood and took the cuiress from Jessie then walked over to her counter and took out a sewing kit, starting work.

Jessie came over and sat in Rohssan’s seat. She smiled at me, as if she was expecting me to initiate a conversation. She was pretty, but that wouldn’t mean we’d be friends. Suddenly Rohssan spoke.

“Jessie, this is my niece, Lissa. Lissa, this is my favourite customer, Jessie."

Great, Thanks auntie-

“Pleased to meet you!” Jessie said, rather excitedly. She held out her hand which I took, shaking it.

“Ditto.”

The silence was awkward. I prayed for Rohssan to finish up so the atmosphere would loosen up.

“So... what brings you to the city?” Jessie asked.

“Just a pit stop, really. I’m headed to Chorrol.”

“Oh. Any particular reason?”

“Yes, actually. Thank you for asking.” I said sarcastically.

I didn’t mean to be, well, mean, but I couldn’t stand small talk. Jessie was nice enough yes, but I wasn’t in the mood to chat about nothing.

Rohssan walked over, holding the cuirass, now repaired.

“Here we go Jessie.” She handed Jessie the cuirass. Jessie had a pleased look on her face and took the cuiress, standing as she did so.

“Thanks Rohssan, it’s perfect!” She turned to me. “Nice to meet you, Lissa.”

I smiled at her and she left. I was now free to continue my conversation with auntie Rohssan. I had lots of questions to ask.

About Maelona, about the latest happenings.

About mother...

---------------------------------

Lissa and Rohssan

I wanted to give the amulet to Jeffery so it was out of the way
Jeffery once more!

So many shops, so little time.
The woman's lament.

Auntie Rhossan? Now that is a brilliant touch! Obviously she is from a different part of the family, else her name would be Maessan!

Something tells me that we shall be seeing this red-haired Bosmer bowgirl again.

All in all a nice little piece as Lissa catches her breath and gets her bearings in the Imperial City.

nits:
She must of thought i was talking to her.
One of your baby I's sneaked back in.

‘A Fighting Chance”,
Looks like Simplicia took your single quote, and replaced with a double quote at the end there.

I stood outside the shop door with simplicia
And then she made off with her own capitalization!

holding a fur cuiress in her hands
That is a cuirass.

“No, not this time. I’ve ripped my cuiress.”
Here too.

Lissa, this is my favourite customer, Lissa.”
I think you meant to end that with Jessie?

Rohssan walked over, holding the cuiress, now repaired.
That dastardly cuirass at at it again. No wonder it got ripped!

“Here we go Jessie.” She handed Jessie the cuiress.
And again.

'I thought I may as well do a bit of retail therapy after my ordeal,'
I loved this!!!

'Rihanae suggested, and he was right, as always.
. . .
“Oh hush, you!” I replied, slightly annoyed. Rihanae was getting on my nerves. “My main priority should be having a bath!”
I really enjoyed the intentional contradiction and perfect young womanly logic you employ here!

Like SubRosa, I enjoyed that Rohssan is Lissa's aunt.

Nits:
“How wonderful. My name in Simplicia.” She told me.'
You want is vs in.

'She must of thought i was talking to her.'
I would recommend have vs of. If you want to make it sound more casual, you might use the informal contraction of must have, which would be must've.

'I stood outside the shop door with simplicia, thanked her and she wondered off,'
SubRosa already identified that Simplicia needs to be capitalized, but I would also use wandered vs wondered.

A very fun piece. What a neat twist have Rohssan be Lissa's aunt!

“Oh hush, you!” I replied, slightly annoyed. Rihanae was getting on my nerves. “My main priority should be having a bath!”


Once again, you give your character a delightful whimsy. You gave me several faint smiles with her observations.

Nits:

“I suggest you stay in town for the night, at least. Rest up a bit. Jauffre isn’t going anywhere.” Rihanae suggested, and he was right, as always.

“Well, that was pleasant.” I said, putting my clothes back on.

“You’re boring me now.” I replied.

“Its a long story.” I told her.

“I’ve got time.” Rohssan informed me, leading me to a seat.

“And now I’ve got to give this to some guy called Jeffrey.” I showed her the amulet.

“Yes, actually. Thank you for asking.” I said sarcastically.

“Here we go Jessie.” She handed Jessie the cuiress.

This one is a bit tricky, because punctuation within quotations excepts a rule about period usage. The idea is you don't ever use periods in your quotations if you are transitioning to a narration immediately afterward. Question marks, exclamation points, every other form of punctuation is okay. It is also perfectly fine to use periods when the paragraph contains only the quotation. It's just the periods when switching immediately from quotation to narration you can't have. All of those selections I made above need the periods inside the quote-marks replaced with commas.

I thought about what I would do, where I would go.

I'd swap this comma for a semicolon or add a conjunction here, this sentence doesn't flow very well with just a comma.

Simplicia began to walk and i followed, looking at each person i walked past to see if they had a ‘By the Nine what is that SMELL!” look on their face.

Multi-nit passage: You need to capitalize your pronoun Is here. You also have an errant double quote at the end of your single quote.

I stood outside the shop door with simplicia, thanked her and she wondered off, no doubt to do more begging, as beggars do.

This sentence seems rather clunky. I'd suggest rewriting it. Also, don't forget to capitalize Simplicia.

She walked around the counter and embraced me; it was wonderful seeing a familial face again.

Did you perhaps mean familiar here? If not, feel free to disregard this, familial works in this case, too.

I told her everything.

Don't tell us, show us! You don't need this sentence at all, the transition you gave is quite enough. I suggest you delete this one.

“Jessie, this is my niece, Lissa. Lissa, this is my favourite customer, Jessie."
Great, Thanks auntie-

Those darn moderators forgot to feed the forum again! It ate your space, the ravenous beast!

I know, I know, I can be a bit anal at times, especially about sentence structuring. I just want you to become the best you can be, is all. I really do enjoy reading these pieces.

Great chapter! I love the stop to see auntie!

Funny !!





ROFL !!! All that arguing with Baurus and still got it wrong !!! ROFL !!!

And poor Jessie, lol. She picked the wrong day to need repairs !! Sounds like a Daedra ripped her cuirass, hmmmm...

Great Write !!

Hmmm, it seems that SageRosa, the Acadi-editor, and TK have already pointed out everything there was to point out. As they said, Lissa’s sense of humor makes her immensely likeable. I hope she can sort out the problem of Jeffrey Jauffre’s name before she gets to Weynon Priory.

Having Rohsan as an aunt at least gives her a friendly face in the big city. And I have a feeling that we will be seeing Jessie again soon.

Destri Melarg: Thank you for the kind words, i too hope she is able to pronounce his name correctly! can you imagine how embarassing that would be? haha

mALX: Yeah, it appears Jessie did. Hopefully she didn't take it to heart!

Thomas Kaira: Thank you for the compliments and the nits. as with SubRosa and Acadian's, they have been edited.

Acadian: I am really pleased that you are enjoying the journal! Lissa is dear to me and I hope she come's across in a good manner

SubRosa: Again, thank you for the compliments, i am glad you enjoyed the twist about Rohssan being family! Lissa has A LOT of family across Cyrodiil!

Here is part 2 of chapter three. It is short, but hopefully still enjoyable

PREVIOUSLY: Lissa made it to the Imperial City where she met a beggar, Simplicia, who let her to a weapon shop called 'A Fighting Chance', as Rihanae suggested Lissa repairs her weapons. Unknown to Lissa, her aunt Rohssan own 'A fighting Chance' after a quick conversation with Rohssan. Lissa met a Bosmer girl named Jessie, who Lissa felt slightly uncomfortable around, due to Jessie's very forward nature. After Rohssan had repaired Jessie's damaged cuirass, her and Lissa continued their conversation...

CHAPTER 3 ~ The Imperial City ~ Part 2

“You’ll have to excuse Jessie, by the way,” Rohssan said. “she could talk for Cyrodiil!”

“It’s okay aunt Rohssan, she wasn’t bothering me.”

Much.

“So anything big happen while I was away?” I continued, changing the subject. There was so much I needed to know.

“Well, Maelona got married and-“

“Wait a minute, hold up. What? And she didn’t let me know?” I was slightly aggravated that Rohssan said this as if I already knew about it. How could I?

“Her and Gogan last year. It was a beautiful ceremony. She did say she tried to contact you via a private investigator.” She could clearly the how angry I looked as her expression turned stern. “You need to realise that you were away for a LONG time. She had no idea where you were. Wipe that look off your face. You can’t blame Maelona when she had no possible way of letting you know about it.”

Rohssan was right and, yeah, I may have been a little bit selfish being a bit annoyed by her revelation, but I put on a smile and acted as if I was ok with it. It wasn’t that Maelona didn’t let me know about it, it was more that fact that I wasn’t there on her big day. I was angrier at myself than anything.

“Lissa, this is wasting time. You need to get to Jauffre NOW!” Rihanae ordered. I couldn’t exactly answer him in front or Rohssan, so I tried to excuse myself.

“Um… I need to go outside for a bit of fresh air. I feel really stuffy. Is that okay?” I asked Rohssan.
“Of course, but please come back. We have more to talk about!” She replied with a smile on her face.

I rose from my seat and headed toward the shop door, opened it and left the shop. To the right had side of the shop there was a small arch; perfect for talking to Rihanae without people thinking I’m a lunatic. Once I was under the arch I spoke to Rihanae.

“You could of at least waiting until I’d stopped talking to Rohssan. Rude much,”

“We have no time for family reunions. Not right now anyway.”

His comment made me slightly livid, but again I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by raising my voice to no-one because that’s just weird.

“I don’t understand exactly why it should be me who has to deliver it.”

“Because the emperor entrusted you with a task. A task which you should complete.”

“But WHY! How is me giving an amulet to Jeffrey going to save the world exactly?”

“No, I don’t think Jauffre is the key. But I DO think he is a link. A link to your true destiny”

“Oh, okay, my DESTINY! Right.” I replied, sarcastically of course.

Destiny shmestiny.

“So you’re really going to be this stubborn?”

“Stubborn? Stubborn? I’ll give you-“

Suddenly I heard a voice next to me. A familiar voice.

“Who’s being stubborn?

Jessie was stood next to me, a big grin on her face.

“Erm… no-one, it doesn’t matter,” I replied with a smile and asked her a question, “so you got attacked?”

My eyes pointed in the direction of her cuirass. She went all sheepish on me.

“Um, yeah. Something I tried to do went a bit wrong…” she told me.

A BIT wrong?

Her eyes suddenly turned hopeful.

“I need to ask you something.”

“Okay, shoot.” I said.

As long as it’s not a question about her hair, because I would have to be brutally honest.

“You’re heading to Chorrol, aren’t you?” she asked; a hopeful look in her eyes.

“Um…”

“Yes, you are.” Rihanae said.

“Maybe. Why?” I said.

“Well, I’m trying to get into the Arcane University and I need to get my recommendation from
Chorrol.”

“And that involves me because…” I asked.

“Because I would really like some company if I’m honest. I’ve been travelling alone and I get bored.”

Her face looked quite sad, I wanted to say yes, but I didn’t know if I was even going to Chorrol. While I was thinking, something suddenly registered in my head.

“Wait a minute, you’re a mage?” I asked Jessie.

“No, I’m a conjurer. I’m an apprentice.”

That is seriously cool.

“Can you… show me something?”

Jessie looked around, registering the people walking by.

“Here? Now?” She asked.

“Pretty pretty pretty please! PLEASE!” I begged.

“I don’t know. I’m not very good. What about if what I summon attacks someone? It was something I summoned that attacked me. I can’t risk it hurting someone else.”

“Life is for risks Jessie and I can easily take it down if something gets out of hand,” I informed her. “how about this; you summon something, ANYTHING, and I accompany you to Chorrol.”

Jessie thought about it. She looked around a bit more, then smiled at me.

“Okay.”

YES! This’ll be fun!

Jessie had a look of deep concentration on her face. She raised her right arm and an intense purple glow engulfed her hand. A small portal appeared in front of her and out popped a living skeleton.

Okay. Wow.

I stood in awe of what Jessie had just done. I was the least to say, impressed.

“That is incredible Jessie, seriously. You should be so proud of yourself!”

I was genuinely happy for her. It was amazing.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me. Not a lot of people think I’m very good at what I do.”

“Don’t let what people say bother you, Jess; can I call you Jess?”

“Yeah, sure!” Jessie smiled.

“Look at me! I’m a redguard archress. That’s not very common.”

“I guess! I’m a bit of an archer myself on the side. I don’t suppose you could give me some pointers?”

I smiled at her and held her shoulders.

“How about when we get to Chorrol? Is that okay?”

Jessie’s face lit up.

“Really? You’ll come? Thanks!” Her happiness was obvious, and a bit overwhelming.

“Well, I have to speak to my aunt first but how about I meet you in the inn next door in, let’s say, an hour?”

“Yeah, sure!” I was slightly confused about why Jessie was so exited about me accompanying her to Chorrol.

I must just have that effect on people.

“So what do you have to do in Chorrol?” Jessie asked me. For some reason I didn’t feel reluction to tell a complete stranger my private plans.

“I have to go to Weynon priory and deliver… something to a guy called Jeffrey.”

“OH! I know Jauffre-”

Oh, it IS Jauffre. Now I feel stupid.

“He’s friends with my dad. I know how to sweet talk him!” she said, proudly.

“Do you live in Chorrol, then?”

“No, I live in Bravil, but I used to visit Chorrol a lot since the guild there specializes in conjuration. My dad works there.”

I wasn’t in the mood for an info dump from Jessie right now, so I changed the subject. There would be plenty of time to talk on the way to Chorrol.

“So is there anything about conjuration you can teach me?”

“Are you any good with magic?”

“Basic spells, really. It’s enough to get me by.”

Jessie looked deep in thought. She did that a lot.

“Well, I can’t teach you anything personally, but I’m sure my dad can teach you something basic.”

Major awesomeness right there!

“Well then, it’s a deal. I take you to Chorrol and teach you a bit about archery and YOU get your dad to teach me something in conjuration. Deal?”

“Deal!” replied Jessie.

I’m not sure what it was but there was something about Jessie that I trusted. She was totally insecure and hardly self sufficient, the opposite of me; but despite all this I just knew, there and then, that we were going to be great friends. Even though her hair looked like she’d just been attacked by a bush. But I was willing to let that slide… for now.

LOL I love Lissa's personality in this chapter!

This was so very light and fun. Quite delightful!

You are doing a nice job of slowly building a rough start betwee Lissa and Jesse into what seems may become a fine friendship.

Heh, a little early to tell which direction the sparks between impetuous free-spirited Lissa and task-focused Rihanae will settle.

Lissa has some delightful observations, and you strike a nice balance with her youthfulness, replete with some expected selfishness and loads of enthusiasm - all wrapped up in a fashion conscious package. What's not to love here?


Nits:

'She could clearly the how angry I looked as her expression turned stern.'
I would change the word 'the' to 'see'.

'It wasn’t that Maelona didn’t let me know about it, it was more that fact that I wasn’t there on her big day.'
I would change 'that fact' to 'the fact'. Not only is it correct, but it will drop the use of 'that' from three to two times in this sentence.

'To the right had side of the shop there was a small arch;'
I would change 'had' to 'hand'.

“You could of at least waiting until I’d stopped talking to Rohssan. Rude much,”
Three small problems. Change 'could of' to either 'could've' or 'could have'. Change 'waiting' to 'waited'. Change the comma at the end to a question mark. I would recommend this for a final product: "You could've at least waited until I'd stopped talking to Rohssan. Rude much?"

'I didn’t feel reluction to tell a complete stranger my private plans.'
Change 'reluction' to 'reluctant'.

You need to get to Jauffre NOW!”
Yep, this is how the game acts. Drop everything and do the main quest. As if the world was going to end or something if you don't! I just ignore it...

Destiny shmestiny.
Now that is the spirit! You gave me such a grin with this!

“Can you… show me something?”
Hubba, hubba! I have been waiting for the girls to start showing one another something, for a while now!

Okay, so it was only magic, but I am still hoping. The entire scene between Lissa and Jess was just adorable. Oh to be that young and carefree again!


nits:
“You’ll have to excuse Jessie, by the way,” Rohssan said. “she could talk for Cyrodiil!”
Since you ended the passage before it with a period, She should be capitalized. Or leave it lowercase, and end Rohssan said with a comma instead of a period.


“Um… I need to go outside for a bit of fresh air. I feel really stuffy. Is that okay?” I asked Rohssan.
“Of course, but please come back. We have more to talk about!” She replied with a smile on her face.
The forum ate the space between these two paragraphs.


“Well, I’m trying to get into the Arcane University and I need to get my recommendation from
Chorrol.”
It also threw in a line break right before Chorrol.

I gotta agree with KC, Lissa's personality stole the show in this chapter !!! Great Write !!!

Hey guys! Sorry it has taken so long for me to write this part, i had to do alot of planning for it. Anyway, i hope it is worth the wait!

SubRosa: haha, sorry to dissapoint with what Lissa wants Jessie to show her Thank you for the nits (This applies to everyone).

Acadian: I'm glad that you enjoyed the developing friendship between Lissa and Jessie, I can't wait to see what develop's between them.

mALX and King Coin: I hope that Lissa's personality isn't too overshadowing in this chapter, but to be honest, she can't help who she is haha

PREVIOUSLY: Whilst conversing with Rohssan, Rihanae demands Lissa continues with her quest. She leaves the shop to speak to him, but is found by Jessie. Jessie tells Lissa about her skills in Conjuration, showing her in the process and Lissa, impressed, decides to accompany Jessie to Chorrol so Jessie can get her reccomendation, as long as she can get her dad to teach Lissa a spell or two...

Chapter 3 ~ The Imperial City ~ Part 3

“AH! You’re back!” Said Rohssan as I walked through the shop door, back into her presence.

“Yeah, sorry I took so long. I saw Jessie and-“

“Say no more, that explains it. Like I said; she can talk for Cyrodiil!” Rohssan joked.

“I can’t stay long, Auntie Rohssan. I told Jessie I’d go with her to Chorrol. Poor chick was desperate for company!”

A little white lie. Rohssan’ll never find out about mine and Jessie’s deal. I do do things out of the kindness of my heart though...

Rohssan’s face suddenly turned disappointed.

“Oh, that’s okay. There was a lot I needed to talk to you about, but it can wait.”

She beckoned me over to sit with her, so I did. I sat next to her on the wooden bench, a grin spread across her face.

“I have something for you,” she said with such glee, “Wait here.”

Rohssan rose from her seat and headed toward the basement door at the far end of the shop, opened it and dissapeared.

I wonder what she has for me! Oooh…

I got up from my seat and walked over to the counter. I hoisted myself up onto it, sitting with my legs dangling off the side.

“Lissa, please get of the counter.” Rihanae nagged.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it won’t look good on Rohssan if a customer walks in and the first thing they see will be you sitting on the counter like a child!”

“So?” I replied. I enjoyed winding him up.

“Lissa, Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please get off the counter!”

He was getting agitated now. I would have gotten off eventually, I just wanted to see how far I could push him. For a dead guy he was rather bossy.

“NO! You’re not the boss of me!

“Get off!”

“NO.”

“Lissa, get off the counter please.”

I turned to see Rohssan, back from the basement. Without hesitation I gently hopped
off the counter. I noticed something in Rohssan’s hand. A large warhammer.

Cool hammer.

“Cool hammer, Auntie Rohssan.” I said enthusiastically. It was pretty awesome.

“I’m glad you like it Lissa. It’s your fathers.”

My-

“My… fathers?”

“Yes. Please come and sit down. I’ll explain.”

We walked back over to the bench and sat down. She began to explain about the hammer.

“About a year after your dad died, Oleta came into the shop, dragging this hammer with her. She wanted me to sell it.”

“Even though it was dads?”

“She said she wanted to lose a painful memory.”

My eyes began to water.

Why would she try to sell something so precious? How could she?

“Anyway, I gave her my word that I would do what I could. But I decided to wait.”

“Wait for me?” I asked.

“Yes. I thought it would be better off with a Cristenn than a stranger.”

“You’re letting me have it?”

“Yes,” Rohssan smiled, “I am, it should belong to you.”

I reached for the hammer, but before I could touch it Rohssan pulled it away from my grasp.

Um, okay.

“First of all, I need to give you this.” Rohssan said, pulling a bronze ring off her finger, handing it to me. “This ring I hand enchanted with strength. Without it this hammer would be near impossible to wield. For you, especially.”

Thanks, Rohssan. Great pep talk.

I put the ring on my index finger. I felt a little bit different, but not a whole lot.

Time to test it!

I stood up from my seat and grabbed the hammer, which Rohssan and placed on the table before She took the ring off. It would have been quite funny if she took the ring off before dropping the hammer.

Ha-ha.

To my surprise the hammer felt as light as a feather.

Holy moly this ring is amazing!

“Do you like it?” Rohssan asked.

I looked thoughtfully at the hammer, noticing a small inscription on the mighty weapon.

Shatterheart. Cool name.

I raised my head to make eye contact with Rohssan.

“Yeah, I love it!”

*

“Promise me you will visit me soon, okay?” said Rohssan. We were stood outside her shop.

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Good. Now give your old auntie a hug!” she said, her arms outstretched.

I grabbed her for a hug, her armour hardened the blow. We stayed embraced for a little while before we let go of each other. Rohssan gave me a thoughtful nod and headed back inside her shop.

I wondered about what I was going to do now. I had to meet Jessie at some point but first, there was something else I needed to do.

*

I stood inside ‘Red Diamond Jewellery’, a shop just opposite Rohssan’s. I was greeted by a Nord; a rather loud Nord.

“WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?” he said. Actually, he belted it.

“Um, I was wondering how long it took you to fashion a piece of jewellery out of-” I pulled out my guardian stone, “This?”

“Lissa, what are you doing?!” Rihanae asked. I ignored him.

“WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE.” He informed me.

I thought for a little while.

I know…

*

“Oh my gosh, Jessie I have so much I need to tell you!”

I saw Jessie sat at the bar as I entered the ‘Merchant’s Inn’, so I ran up to her to show off everything I had gotten.

“First of all, how do you like this?!” I said, showing her my strength ring.

“Wow! that is pretty cool!” She said, exited.

“And… THIS!” I said, showing her Shatterheart.

“AMAZING! It’s so beautiful, Lissa!”

“And… this!” I said, showing her the silver bracelet I had made from my Guardian Stone, and the stone worked just as well even with it’s new look. “I had it made from my sapphire. The guy at the shop cut the sapphire into little bits and forged the pieces onto this bracelet. Pretty, no?”

“No.” Rihanae interrupted. I ignored him, again.

“That is amazing Lissa, I love it!” Jessie exclaimed. A bit over the top, but I appreciated her enthusiasm.

I turned my tone serious. Well, more serious than it was, anyway

“Now, have you done everything you needed to do here?

“Yeah, I have.” Jessie replied.

“Then shall we head to Chorrol?” I asked.

“We shall!”

*

We took a gentle stroll through the city as we headed towards the main exit at the Talos Plaza District. The city was absolutely gorgeous. The architecture was exquisite… and it was so CLEAN!

“How long till we get to Chorrol?” I asked Jessie.

She thought before she answered.

“Maybe about half a day?” she replied.

“This’ll be fun Jessie. A journey with just us girls! It’ll be-“

Before I had a chance to finish I was grabbed from behind. I spun around to see an old Breton man staring at me with terror in his eyes.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

“You! It’s you” you’re the person who saves the world! You must go now. Go go go go… now. Go. You have to.”

“Okay, you’re crazy.” I informed him.

“The fire surrounding you, it burn’s so bright. THE DRANGON FIRES! Help them, they must cleanse the city of Dagon…” He continued.

“Are you okay, sir?” Jessie asked him.

The crazy guy turned to Jessie and looked her up and down before speaking to her.

“You’re going to do a good thing. The loss of one life to save many. A valuable asset to the party…”

Jessie had a strange look on her face. She looked scared. I walked up toe the old guy and gently shoved him.

“Don’t you DARE talk to her like that! You could really scare someone, you know?!”

His eyes gradually began to change to hatred, anger, rage. His expression began to boil and before I could even scream for help I was on the floor, the man on top of me tightening his grip around my throat. Jessie tried to help but the crazy guy used some sort of paralysis spell on her.

“Ge-get o-o-off. Get OFF!” I croaked. I could feel my life slowly slipping away. Even with my ring of strength

I was no match for him. I could barely hear Rihanae’s cries of desperation.

I'm gonna die...

The guards seemed to just ignore what was happening. Whoever this guy was, he has some immense power. It’s like he hypnotised the guards into ignoring the attack.

Just as everything was turning black, my life slipping away beneath the crazy guy’s fingers, I heard the release of a drawn bowstring followed by an arrow shooting inside the crazy guys head. The guy released his grip and fell on top of me. I pushed him off and staggered to my feet. Jessie stood, mobile, with her bow in her hand. The look of shock and horror was on her face. She saved my life, yet ruined her own. She killed someone. And she knew it.

The first is always the worst…

I gently walked over to her and put my arm around her.

“Come on. Let’s get to Chorrol.” I said gently to her.

We began to walk away from the scene with the guards still in a mystical trance and the crazy guy led on the floor, blood oozing from the arrow wound in his head. Jessie turned to me, tears in her eyes and shock in her face.

“What was he talking about, Lissa?” she asked.

I turned my head away from her.

…I don’t know, Jessie. I don’t know.

A nice little talk with Auntie Rohssan, and some badgering from her fairy godfather to start acting like a grown-up. Shatterheart is a great name for a hammer (although I do like The Tenderizer from FO3 too...) s is a good one too.

a rather loud Nord
Aren't they all?

Finally what had started out as a nice girl's day out turned into a blood bath! Who was that madman? And how were the legionaries transfixed so as to not see his attack? It seems darker forces are stirring in Lissa's life...



nits:
“Lissa, please get of the counter.”
I think Jessie took Lissa's extra "f" from off with her.

“NO! You’re not the boss of me!
Reminds me of a certain bosmer bowgirl from Bravil! However, Jessie also absconded with the closing quote here.

I turned to see Rohssan, back from the basement. Without hesitation I gently hopped
off the counter. I noticed something in Rohssan’s hand. A large warhammer.
A line break got inserted into the middle of your second sentence.

Cool hammer.
“Cool hammer, Auntie Rohssan.” I said enthusiastically. It was pretty awesome.
It feels redundant for Lissa to think it then say exactly the same thing. I think you can just delete the thought. Or perhaps change her dialogue somewhat, so she is not saying exactly what she is thinking.

It’s your fathers.
you missed the possessive apostrophe in father's . Same with dad's later on.

“Even though it was dads?”
This is a tricky one. When a term for a family relation is used in place of the person's name, it should be capitalized. If not it is lowercase. So in this case it ought to be Dad's (don't forget the possessive apostrophe too). The easiest way to tell is to replace the word with the person's actual name, and see how the sentence reads. "It was your Andre's." would obviously be wrong, so father's is lowercase. "It was Andre's." does read correctly, so uppercase Father's.

THE DRANGON FIRES!
I am thinking that cooky Breton meant Dragon Fires.

I heard the release of a drawn bowstring followed by an arrow shooting inside the crazy guys head
You need another possessive apostrophe in guy's

We began to walk away from the scene with the guards still in a mystical trance and the crazy guy led on the floor
I am not sure what word you wanted there. Bled perhaps?

That old guy really knows how to kill the mood ruin the beginning of an adventure for the two girls doesn't he? Great write! Lissa has some growing up to do, but I'm enjoying all the attitude she's giving Rihanae.

I have made an edit for the journal. Each time an origional character is introduced i will put a picture of them attached to a link the first time their name is mentioned. The first link, for example, is in Chapter 3 part 1 for Jessie. So check it out!

By the way, as i am currently on console, the picture quality is awful

Great, thanks for the pics! I would rather have a photo of a screen than no picture at all. I’m on a console, too, so I can relate!

ROFL !!! She likes tormenting her spirit guide - ROFL !!!!







ROFL !!! Lissa in the Middle, lol.


Loved the ring of strength before lifting the hammer, and the name "Shatterheart" - really nice touch !!!

Really scary scene in the Talos Plaza - crazy - but with accurate psychic visions !!!

Awesome Write !!


PS - I love Lissa's screenie !!!!


*

Some delightful interaction between Lissa and Rihanae/Jessie/Rohssan.

Shatterheart is indeed a great name! And a wonderfully handy ring to support it. Oh, and a new bracelet as well.

A fun day in the city suddenly turns dark indeed. Very mysterious now!

Thanks for the pictures!

Nits: I limited things to just the first five I came across because I don't want to detract from your wonderful story by overly picking at mundane details; yet I do want to provide you some feedback to enhance your effectiveness at the craft of storytelling.

“AH! You’re back!” Said Rohssan as I walked through the shop door, back into her presence.
Simple speech tag. 'Said' should be 'said'.

She beckoned me over to sit with her, so I did. I sat next to her on the wooden bench, a grin spread across her face.
Having sit/sat in such close proximity is redundant. Lots of ways to fix it; perhaps: 'She beckoned me over to sit with her on a wooden bench. As I did so, a grin spread across her face.'

Rohssan rose from her seat and headed toward the basement door at the far end of the shop, opened it and dissapeared.
'disappeared'.

I stood up from my seat and grabbed the hammer, which Rohssan and placed on the table before She took the ring off.
Two problems. 'had placed' instead of 'and placed'. You want 'she' vs 'She'.

We were stood outside her shop.
I would recommend dropping the 'were'.

So, it really is that important for Lissa to get to Chorrol? Come on Rihanae, what could possibly happen, the end of the world?

That Breton really did need a good doctor, his ample gray matter was so twisted and tangled around itself he couldn't make up whether or not Lissa was to be praised or killed!

Nibbles:

"Like I said; she can talk for Cyrodiil!”

Semicolon use here. You don't have two independent clauses to separate here, so the semicolon should be a comma.

You forgot to italicize Rihanae's quote here.

I turned my tone serious. Well, more serious than it was, anyway

Forum gobbled your period...

“Now, have you done everything you needed to do here?

...and absconded with your closing quote.

Im thinking about writing a short fanfic about Jessie's early life up untill her encounter with Lissa. What does everybody think about this?

Also, the next chapter of Lissa's journal should be here tommorow

I have only just started reading this--I hope you don't mind if I comment on the beginning of the story...

Wow. I love that you made Lissa the sister of Maelona--connecting her to one of the game characters gives us a great foundation to build on--we feel more connected to it, more familiar. And then the end of the part one prologue completely threw me. I was not expecting this! I haven't read any further, so I don't know yet if it was indeed her father who is responsible for all those deaths, but it certainly appears that way. What an excellent way to get us hooked from the very start.

I have just one nit to point out--I was incredibly exited. It appears you missed the c in excited.

Hello Lady Syl, and welcome to Lissa's journal!

Thank you for your kind comments i'm glad you enjoy the inclusion of Maelona as Lissa's sister. I wanted the readers and Lissa to have some sort.of connection so someone already in game

Feel free to comment as you read more, you reception will be very appreciated

As for the nits, im slowly working on the edits

Just to let everybody know i am re-starting Lissa's journal. Do not panic, everything i have written will remain the same, only some things might get taken out and i will definatly put more things in.

I am just not happy with the quality of my work and i just feel like as i have restarted Lissa, she would feel it best to re-start her journal as well.

I know i could just edit what i have written but i dont want new readers to get confused by reading comments that apply to work that isn't there!

I dont know when i will be re-starting, but it will be soon.

Thanks

No worries. If you think you can improve things, then by all means re-tool and come back with Lissa 2.0. Many of us here took advantage of moving between forums to do the exact same thing. It worked out incredibly well for me. I suggest starting a new thread when you are ready to restart, and asking a moderator to close this one at that time, to avoid any confusion between the two.

Thanks for understanding. I just feel like I could have done things in previous chapters so much better. I have all these things I wish I put in, for example the edits I made today to the first part of the prologue has almost doubled it in size. I really think you'll like the new thread

I'm looking forward to it!

A new start, how exciting!

I found when I started transferring my story here from another forum that it truly became a new start where I treated existing episodes merely as rough drafts. Some were not bad, some went into the bin, some underwent varying degrees of rework, while still others were born where none previously existed.

I believe this is your first serious foray into fanfic, so what you are learning will serve you very well. The main thing is that your character certainly has a distinct personality that speaks clearly to you - and therefore to us. Your growing experience will ensure that as you bring Lissa to us, she speaks with even more endearing clarity.

I'm really looking forward to this. Since it will be a restart, you might consider opening it on a new thread when you get ready, as SubRosa suggests. We'll be anxiously waiting!

<3

The new versian is up. how would i go about getting a mod to delete THIS thread?

just send one a message I imagine.