Prolouge
"No sir,we can't do this,it's too big,too high profile!" Eldwin said to Aldrin,Aldrins's face contorted with anger,"What do
you mean too high profile?,we've killed 4 nobles in the past 2 weeks and the only ones getting the blame are the Brotherhood,I think we hid our tracks very well!"
"Yes but this isn't just a local,little-known noble,he's the Count's cousin!" Eldwin shouted trying to get her point across to the stubborn old man.
"I don't care if he's Emperor's brother,the amount of money we'll get from this will be enough to fund my retirerment." Aldrin said.
"Of course,you only want to do it for YOUR retirerment,you never think about ME!" Eldwin screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Don't you EVER raise your voice like that again!" Aldrin shouted back grabbing Eldwin's collar.
Suddenly a sharp pain filled Aldrin's body,Eldwin always had something up her sleeve,this time she litteraly had something up her sleeve,a blade.
"So sad,you were only a day away from retirment." She said with a fake sympathic tone then she let out a loud cackle.
Full Version: Eldwin's Challenger
What a beginning! Welcome to the Fic Forums!
QUOTE(mALX @ Jun 23 2013, 08:25 PM) 
What a beginning! Welcome to the Fic Forums!
I've had people(1 person) compare my work to Tolkien....I'm a pretty big deal......although he seemed pretty sarcastic.....I'm bored so I'm gonna go continue this and make the title make sense AS YOU'LL SEE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Chapter 1:The Note
The city was drowning in the sound of hooves on cobblestone paths and cheers from people of all ages.
The count's cousin was in town,or so the people of Leyawiin thought,the horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd,the crowd cheered even louder than before but the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble,Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight Sir William Glenius stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
"I,Sir William Glenius,knight of Lord Herius Gleniwin,am saddened to announce that the Lord has been murdered,"William paused and a loud gasp came from the crowd,"He was found dead in his room last night,the cause of death was a blade,we have the support of the Leyawiin guard who'll help us catch the person who did this."William closed the scroll and got back into the carriage which went towards the castle.
Murmers ran through the crowd,the crowd was filled with shocked and saddened faces,but none as shocked as Eldwin.
Elwin ran outside the city to were she had a little camp site about a mile from the city gate,when she arrived she sat on her stool,chin in her hands.
"Someone killed him before me?Who would do this,he was loved by many,only me and the old man knew his secret,only me and the old man were given him as a target!" Eldwin thought herself.
"Why hello young elven maiden!" a raspy argonian voice said from behind her,she quickly turned only to see a hooded argonian and a club,the club was coming down upon her.
CRASH!
Elwin woke up,about 3 hours later with a thumping headache.
"Why that scaley bas.....what's this?" She said with a mix of anger and confusion,she spotted a note.
The note had scrawled on it this.
"Dear Eldwin,
I know all your targets,all your tactics,all your skills,all your equipment,I do this not for money but for the
thrill,for the challenge,and that is the reason for this note,I challenge you to a nice friendly contest,I've heard you're the best assassin around,but I disagree,infact,I already got to Herius first,but that was a warm up,our first target is Sven the Burly,a young barbarian chap who lives in a nice little cottage just a mile from your camp with his mother,the challenge is he's a tough bugger and you can't kill his mother,let's see who gets to him first!
PTO -------->
Elwin turned the note over.
"P.S.Hope Clubs-Alot wasn't too much trouble!"
Eldwin looked to the heavens and screamed,for a small elf she has a hell of a temper!
The city was drowning in the sound of hooves on cobblestone paths and cheers from people of all ages.
The count's cousin was in town,or so the people of Leyawiin thought,the horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd,the crowd cheered even louder than before but the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble,Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight Sir William Glenius stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
"I,Sir William Glenius,knight of Lord Herius Gleniwin,am saddened to announce that the Lord has been murdered,"William paused and a loud gasp came from the crowd,"He was found dead in his room last night,the cause of death was a blade,we have the support of the Leyawiin guard who'll help us catch the person who did this."William closed the scroll and got back into the carriage which went towards the castle.
Murmers ran through the crowd,the crowd was filled with shocked and saddened faces,but none as shocked as Eldwin.
Elwin ran outside the city to were she had a little camp site about a mile from the city gate,when she arrived she sat on her stool,chin in her hands.
"Someone killed him before me?Who would do this,he was loved by many,only me and the old man knew his secret,only me and the old man were given him as a target!" Eldwin thought herself.
"Why hello young elven maiden!" a raspy argonian voice said from behind her,she quickly turned only to see a hooded argonian and a club,the club was coming down upon her.
CRASH!
Elwin woke up,about 3 hours later with a thumping headache.
"Why that scaley bas.....what's this?" She said with a mix of anger and confusion,she spotted a note.
The note had scrawled on it this.
"Dear Eldwin,
I know all your targets,all your tactics,all your skills,all your equipment,I do this not for money but for the
thrill,for the challenge,and that is the reason for this note,I challenge you to a nice friendly contest,I've heard you're the best assassin around,but I disagree,infact,I already got to Herius first,but that was a warm up,our first target is Sven the Burly,a young barbarian chap who lives in a nice little cottage just a mile from your camp with his mother,the challenge is he's a tough bugger and you can't kill his mother,let's see who gets to him first!
PTO -------->
Elwin turned the note over.
"P.S.Hope Clubs-Alot wasn't too much trouble!"
Eldwin looked to the heavens and screamed,for a small elf she has a hell of a temper!
An interesting concept and beginning here. It would appear that Eldwin is a skilled assassin that has an unknown rival looking to beat her to her kills, but not for the contract money. Does this mean that Eldwin will get to be paid anyway? Hmmm...
Welcom to the fan fic forums ImperialSnob! As I am sure you know, part of what the writers here do is critique each others work to help them become better at their craft, or hobby, which ever you prefer. The key word is help, so I am going to point out a few nits to pick here.
The first would be regarding punctuation and spacing. You had several instances like this one -
There should always be a space following a comma.
Also, you have some sentence structure issues, as in this example -
This paragraph is all one sentence. Some of the commas should probably be periods. It might read better like this -
The count's cousin was in town, or so the people of Leyawiin thought. The horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd, the crowd cheered even louder than before. But the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble, Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight, Sir William Glenius, stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
I tried to bold the periods and commas, but it's hard to tell. Still, I hope you get the idea.
There are a lot of articles available through Google searches that pertain to punctuation and sentence structure. Also, there are authors here that are much more versed in these subjects than I am. Acadian, treydog, and SubRosa are three that come to mind immediately, and I am sure they would be glad to help in these matters. That's enough from me for now. The story has great promise.
Just need to smooth out the delivery.
Welcom to the fan fic forums ImperialSnob! As I am sure you know, part of what the writers here do is critique each others work to help them become better at their craft, or hobby, which ever you prefer. The key word is help, so I am going to point out a few nits to pick here.
The first would be regarding punctuation and spacing. You had several instances like this one -
QUOTE
Murmers ran through the crowd,the crowd was filled with shocked and saddened faces,but none as shocked as Eldwin.
There should always be a space following a comma.
Also, you have some sentence structure issues, as in this example -
QUOTE
The count's cousin was in town,or so the people of Leyawiin thought,the horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd,the crowd cheered even louder than before but the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble,Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight Sir William Glenius stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
This paragraph is all one sentence. Some of the commas should probably be periods. It might read better like this -
The count's cousin was in town, or so the people of Leyawiin thought. The horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd, the crowd cheered even louder than before. But the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble, Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight, Sir William Glenius, stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
I tried to bold the periods and commas, but it's hard to tell. Still, I hope you get the idea.
There are a lot of articles available through Google searches that pertain to punctuation and sentence structure. Also, there are authors here that are much more versed in these subjects than I am. Acadian, treydog, and SubRosa are three that come to mind immediately, and I am sure they would be glad to help in these matters. That's enough from me for now. The story has great promise.
Just need to smooth out the delivery.QUOTE(ThatSkyrimGuy @ Jun 24 2013, 12:59 PM)
An interesting concept and beginning here. It would appear that Eldwin is a skilled assassin that has an unknown rival looking to beat her to her kills, but not for the contract money. Does this mean that Eldwin will get to be paid anyway? Hmmm...
Welcom to the fan fic forums ImperialSnob! As I am sure you know, part of what the writers here do is critique each others work to help them become better at their craft, or hobby, which ever you prefer. The key word is help, so I am going to point out a few nits to pick here.
The first would be regarding punctuation and spacing. You had several instances like this one -
QUOTE
Murmers ran through the crowd,the crowd was filled with shocked and saddened faces,but none as shocked as Eldwin.
There should always be a space following a comma.
Also, you have some sentence structure issues, as in this example -
QUOTE
The count's cousin was in town,or so the people of Leyawiin thought,the horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd,the crowd cheered even louder than before but the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble,Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight Sir William Glenius stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
This paragraph is all one sentence. Some of the commas should probably be periods. It might read better like this -
The count's cousin was in town, or so the people of Leyawiin thought. The horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd, the crowd cheered even louder than before. But the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble, Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight, Sir William Glenius, stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.
I tried to bold the periods and commas, but it's hard to tell. Still, I hope you get the idea.
There are a lot of articles available through Google searches that pertain to punctuation and sentence structure. Also, there are authors here that are much more versed in these subjects than I am. Acadian, treydog, and SubRosa are three that come to mind immediately, and I am sure they would be glad to help in these matters. That's enough from me for now. The story has great promise.
Just need to smooth out the delivery.I appericate the help and will take all your CC into considiration.
Chapter 2:Sven The Burly
Eldwin was hiding in the bushes just outside Sven's cottage when she spotted the big Nord.
He was about 7 feet tall,with arms like tree trunks, he was wearing a traditonal Nordic battle harness and fur greeves.
In he's hand he held an axe the size of a young child, he seemed like a warrior yet around his elderly mother he seemed like a young lad who hadn't even grown a whisker yet.
Eldwin almost felt sorry for Sven and his mother.
Just then Eldwin looked across from the small building and saw something rustling in a bush, then she saw the tip of an Ebony arrow stick out from the bush.
Using her quick reflexes she quickly took out her bow and shot at Sven, just as the other archer shot too.
Sven saw the arrows and ducked while he's mother ran inside,the two arrows hit each other shattering, Sven looked at each place where the arrows came from, undecided in which to charge at.
Luckily for Eldwin he charged at the other archer, so she took out her dagger and ran at the Nord, light on her feet she barely made a sound.
Just then the warrior turned axe in hand and swung at Eldwin, it was a trap!
She ducked and jump to the side,he swung again.
She ducked again and dug her blade into his side.
Sven dropped the axe,almost crushing Eldwin as it fell but she moved out of the way.
Sven was on one knee.
"Not only am I dying for no reason, I'm dying from a cheap two on one attack!" Sven screamed at Eldwin.
Eldwin looked across to where the other archer was while keeping her dagger to the warriors throat,the other archer must of fled.
"This isn't a two on one attack, this is a war and you're just a casualty of it all." Eldwin replied.
Eldwin did what she had to do,she killed Sven.
She didn't leave without leaving a small sack of gold at the body,she may be an assassin but she had morales.
She and the old man only killed rich nobles who had done unacceptable things,Sven was innocent.
Just then an arrow went right past her head and into the tree beside her, on the arrow was a note.
She heard a door opening so she put up her hood, took the note and ran back to camp.
The note read this.
"Dear Eldwin,
So, you won this battle of the, as you like to call it, "war".Your next target is Aelnian Streckar.She is a hunter in Chorrol.
That's right Chorrol, and this time I'm not telling you anything about her only that she's a hunter in Chorrol.
So enjoy the trek, or should I say the race, and enjoy the little investigation of which town's folk she is, and no you can't just ask who she is because she is a hermit.
Sven was big but Aelnian is insane, and a master tactian."
Eldwin threw the note on the ground and got her stuff ready for the race to Chorrol.
Eldwin was hiding in the bushes just outside Sven's cottage when she spotted the big Nord.
He was about 7 feet tall,with arms like tree trunks, he was wearing a traditonal Nordic battle harness and fur greeves.
In he's hand he held an axe the size of a young child, he seemed like a warrior yet around his elderly mother he seemed like a young lad who hadn't even grown a whisker yet.
Eldwin almost felt sorry for Sven and his mother.
Just then Eldwin looked across from the small building and saw something rustling in a bush, then she saw the tip of an Ebony arrow stick out from the bush.
Using her quick reflexes she quickly took out her bow and shot at Sven, just as the other archer shot too.
Sven saw the arrows and ducked while he's mother ran inside,the two arrows hit each other shattering, Sven looked at each place where the arrows came from, undecided in which to charge at.
Luckily for Eldwin he charged at the other archer, so she took out her dagger and ran at the Nord, light on her feet she barely made a sound.
Just then the warrior turned axe in hand and swung at Eldwin, it was a trap!
She ducked and jump to the side,he swung again.
She ducked again and dug her blade into his side.
Sven dropped the axe,almost crushing Eldwin as it fell but she moved out of the way.
Sven was on one knee.
"Not only am I dying for no reason, I'm dying from a cheap two on one attack!" Sven screamed at Eldwin.
Eldwin looked across to where the other archer was while keeping her dagger to the warriors throat,the other archer must of fled.
"This isn't a two on one attack, this is a war and you're just a casualty of it all." Eldwin replied.
Eldwin did what she had to do,she killed Sven.
She didn't leave without leaving a small sack of gold at the body,she may be an assassin but she had morales.
She and the old man only killed rich nobles who had done unacceptable things,Sven was innocent.
Just then an arrow went right past her head and into the tree beside her, on the arrow was a note.
She heard a door opening so she put up her hood, took the note and ran back to camp.
The note read this.
"Dear Eldwin,
So, you won this battle of the, as you like to call it, "war".Your next target is Aelnian Streckar.She is a hunter in Chorrol.
That's right Chorrol, and this time I'm not telling you anything about her only that she's a hunter in Chorrol.
So enjoy the trek, or should I say the race, and enjoy the little investigation of which town's folk she is, and no you can't just ask who she is because she is a hermit.
Sven was big but Aelnian is insane, and a master tactian."
Eldwin threw the note on the ground and got her stuff ready for the race to Chorrol.
Chapter 3 might be a while away.
I'm going to make more like a chapter and longer.
I'm going to make more like a chapter and longer.
Hiatus,I know early in I'm already taking a break.
I will MARK MY WORDS finish this one day!
Soon!
I will MARK MY WORDS finish this one day!
Soon!
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.