Ok. First, I need to know if this is where i post my fanfic. I'm gonna continue my story here anyway, but please, someone tell me if it's not. Okay. For the story.
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Written By Petra


PART 1


The last thing I remember is a member of the Imperial Guard staring down at me. He was glaring (although I couldn't really be sure, as his helmet was blocking my view of everything) at me, with a sword in his hand, and a shield strapped to his arm.
It was then that I passed out.

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When I came to, I was lying on a small, uncomfortable cot. In a jail cell.

Not good, I thought. Not good at all. I had never been the follow-the-law-to-the-ends-of-Tamriel type, of course, but I knew a few basic rules.

1: Do not get put in jail.

Well, okay, that's the only one I know. But still.

"Ahh, you're a pretty one, aren't you? A Nord, no? But it is all wasted. You're going to die in here! Don't you see? Die, Nord, die!"

The blue-skinned Dunmer ranted on for some time, his loud voice echoing through my prison cell, and amplifying his overly-annoy, nasaly-sounding voice.

'Just my luck,' I thought. 'Not only do I have to be next to this stupid Dunmer, but my cell has to have good accoustics, too!'

As soon as I decided that I would punch him when he next spoke, the sound of footsteps drowned out his rant, taking my opportunity of violence with it.

"Hurry up, Barus! I won't risk the Emperors' life on your slow gait!" snapped a bossy Breton female. But why was she talking about the Emperor ? That was madness! Even I was taught to show respect to him, and here she was, mentioning his name as causually as if...

Oh. The woman stepped forward, and behind her was a Redguard. And behind HIM was the Emperor. Nevermind, then.

"Oh, Captain Renevault, I highly doubt that I am in any danger with you three around," said the Emeror, sounding amused. The man in front of the Emperor chuckled.
Then the Breton (Captain Renevault, I assumed) saw me.

"What's this prisoner doing in here?!" she barked, spitting the word 'prisoner' out of the back of her throat, as if it were something nasty she had found on the back of her shoe. "This cell is supposed to be off limits!"

"Usual mix-up at the Watch, probably," said the Redguard, Barus, sounding exasperated. Renevault fingered a key, and opened the door.

A man appeared behind the Emperor, and I barely had enough time to gasp before he attacked him. Surprisingly, the Emperor held his own, until the attacker, who was wearing shiny silver armour, slashed across his face.

But Captain Renevault threw herself in front of him, and the sword connected with her head. She cried out in pain, and looked at me eyes pleading, although I had no idea what for. Until I realized that she was looking at her sword. I scooped it up, and stabbed the attacker in the heart.

Yup this is where you put your fan fic!

Nice start. Its been a long time since I played the game but the scene you described brought back vivid memories!

Thanks! Yeah, I've played the intro so many times that i have it memorized.
But I wanted to improvise.

Hi Petra!

I enjoyed your protagonist's sardonic outlook on life in general, and the events of the tutorial in particular. A very fun read! Also good work on showing us what is happening, rather than telling us. That is one of the most difficult things for many writers to grapple with. Likewise, good show on avoiding an infodump in the first post telling us everything about the character. That is the other thing many writers grapple with! So two bullets dodged, and a very entertaining character!

Are you looking for critiques? If not that is no problem, we understand that not everyone wants to hear every little nit picked apart in their stories.

I am indeed looking for a critic. Pick apart away, if you please.

Ah, in that case I noticed several spelling errors. It looks like a lot, but it all just little stuff. What writers pay editors for!

as his helmet was block my view of everything
I think that was meant to be blocking?


The last thing I remember is a member of the Imperial Guard staring down at me. He was glaring (although I couldn’t really be sure, as his helmet was block my view of everything) at me, with a sword in his hand, and a shield strapped to his arm.
It was then that I passed out.
It looks like the forum ate your space between these two paragraphs. It can do that sometimes when you paste in your writing.


I had never been the follow-the-law-to-the-ends-of-Tamreil type
That would be Tamriel there. I think perhaps a Mythic Dawn agent reversed your e and i (A little mnemonic I learned might help to remember it: "I" before "E", except after "C").


The blue-skinned Dunmer ranted on for some time, his loud voice echoing through my prison cell, and amplifying his overly-annoy, nasaly-sounding voice.
'Just my luck,' I thought. 'Not only do I have to be next to this stupid Dunmer, but my cell has to have good accoustics, too!'
I think the hungry forum ate your space between paragraphs here too.


taking my opportunity of voilence with it
That would be violence.


But why was she talking about the Emperor ?
The forum had its fill of spaces, because it regurgitated one between Emperor and your question mark.


Captain Renevault
In the game she is Captain Renault, and she is a Breton. Here's the wiki page on her If you were intentionally meaning to change those, no worries. If you are not familiar with the UESP Wiki, take a look. It is packed with info, and has been a very helpful reference for me in my writing. Because no one can remember all of this stuff after all. The Imperial Library is another excellent TES resource. They have all the in-game books, timelines, and even walkthroughs of all the games with all the dialogue.


The last thing was a continuity issue. The Emperor and company came to our protagonist's cell and are ambushed. No problem there. But the protagonist then picks up Renault's sword and kills the assassin. But the Emperor and his Blades are still in the hall, and the protagonist still in s/he's cell. I think you meant for the Emp and company to have entered the cell before that point, so you could use a sentence somewhere in there describing that.

The other thing I noticed in the fight was that the assassin struck at the Emperor's face, and when Renault took the blow for him, she was injured in the stomach. Shouldn't she have been hit in the head instead?

Thank you subrosa. For the tamriel part, I am familliar with this mnemonic device =D. But i figured that with all of their changes in ethics and logic and such, so wasn't sure if they'd be bothered w/ something like that. Thaks 4 clearing that up.


I am (thankfully) familliar w/ UESP. I don't like the name Renault, so I changed it. As for the breton part, I didn't know. Once again, thank you!

Oops! you're right! it SHOULD hit her in the face! Thx"

I think I got everything. Thank you! And NOW, because I have more than enough time on my hands at the moment, I think I will continue with PART 2!

Part 2

"Is she dead?" The Emperor's face was no longer humorous, but like that of a mourner at the funeral of a loved one.

"Yes." Barus's voice was bitter.

"Then we must go. More Assassins will come, I believe, and I fear I may soon run out of protectors." This was meant to be a joke of black humor, but, nevertheless, Barus looked stricken.

"It was a joke," I said.

The Emperor motioned for us to continue, and Barus pulled away an ill-fitting stone, which was placed near a barred window. He made a movement which I did not catch, and a small trapdoor swung open.

"In," said Barus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we walked, although to where - I had not the foggiest idea -, the Emperor began to question me.

"What is your name, Child?" he asked.

"Alex," I answered.

After minutes of trudging through the dank tunnel, he had gleaned everything from my brithplace, to my age, to the names of my parents.

"You are young," said Barus, who hadn't spoken since coming through the trapdoor.

"Only twelve, and already a killer."

I nodded, for I wasn't in the mood to tell him that 'killer' was a rather harsh word for what had happened.


We came across several more Assassins, most of which I - for lack of better word - defeated.

When we reached our first dead-end, Barus left me to guard the Emperor, while he found a way back. When I asked why we did not go together, he just muttered something unintelligible, and disappeared into a large crevice in the wall.

The Emperor turned to me, and said, his voice deadly serious, " I have reached the end of my path. I can go no further. Give this amulet to Barus, and he will know where to look for my last son." He took an amulet out of one of the folds of his robe, and continued.

"A voice shriller than all the music calls me. Men are but flesh and blood. They know their doom, but not the hour. In this, I am blessed to see the hour of my death."

As if on prompt, an Assassin pounced out of the shadows, and struck the Emperor through the heart. I, in turn, killed the man.

And the mighty Emperor was no more.

Wow, very young. Pretty strong to be able to kill people that young too!

Maybe try to add some battle scenes in. It could add more to the character by showing how they fight.

I'm curios to find out the events behind Alex's jailing!

Ahh, you're right, Tulustan. A good idea. And since I STILL have enough time, I'll do a short bit.

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Part 3

Barus came moments later, as the aftermath of the fight was settling in on me.

"You killed him." It was not a question.

"No," I said, my voice sounding stronger than I felt. "I did not. The Assassin came. I killed the Assassin. And the Emperor left me a message. He told me to give this to you -" I handed the Amulet to Barus, whose mouth was agape.

"And he said that you would know where to find his last son."

"He had another son?" Barus's eyes were wide.

This couldn't be good. If Barus didn't know that the Emperor had one last heir, than what if he was dead? Or was the Emperor delerious?

"We need to go. And... I should take the sword back. We'll put it in the-"

Just then, a group of goblins and rats launched at us. This would have been fine, only there were too many to count, and we soon got exausted. I ducked, slashed, rolled and severed heads from the bodies, but, just when the fight was leaning in our favor, I saw something that chilled my blood. Barus was lying on the floor, in a puddle of blood, and a goblin was carrying him away.

Welcome to the forums!

Albeit short chapters, they're well-done. If I may offer my advice as a soon-to-be published author, paint a picture in the reader's mind.

If the protagonist is in pain, instead of saying, "He was in pain." Say something such as, "The agony that was biting into him from the sword-wound caused him to fight more viciously with an intense rage that made his own blood boil."

I like how this is starting, and I think this could turn out to be great. Read the fan-fics of other writers to get a feel for how they write and learn from them.

Anyways,

Petra, you have a lot of raw talent at the core. You're doing far better than I did when I first started, bud I will definitely keep an eye on this one.

Welcome to our wonderful fan fiction forum, Petra! I quite adore Oblivion stories, and particularly those told from a first person perspective.

As the wise SubRosa already pointed out, you are doing a great job of showing, not telling. What we want to know at this point is that Alex is a young Nord girl, likely not of noble heritage - that is enough for now. You bring all that out in a very natural way. Very nice!

I'm pleased to see that while the game is very recognizable in your story, you feel comfortable taking liberties. It appears no one who remains alive knows anything about a lost heir - at least no one we have yet met. The ramifications of this are wonderfully mysterious.

I find myself wondering at the blade skill of the twelve year old Alex and where she learned to fight so formidably.

You are off to a fine start!

*

Since you asked for constructive critique. . . allow me to offer that you should slow down your pace of posting. Not everyone can catch up with reading things every day. Put up a new episode, then allow everyone a few days to read and savor it before posting a new segment.

I understand you prefer Captain Renevault to not sound like a French auto. Is there a reason also that you have consistently changed the spelling of Baurus' name to Barus?

Tiny nits:

Part 1:
Emperor.

Part 2:
Emperor's.

I would substitute: unintelligible, disappeared and crevice.

Off to a roaring start! You continue to change the events of the game tutorial in little ways, making it your own, which is a very good thing imho. The more little "you" things, the more this old story becomes brand new again. Things like the Emperor saying to give the amulet to Baurus, and him being dragged off by goblins. All good touches.

Like Acadian, I am curious to learn how a twelve year old is such a practiced swordswoman? Let alone how she would be so good at it against adults (as there is a huge difference there in size, reach, weight, etc...) I imagine that she was taught from a very young age, much like a modern Olympic athlete? Not so strange in the classical or medieval eras either, as Spartans boys entered the Agoge at six, and European boys would become pages around the same age.



nits:
I am seeing that you are capitalizing Assassins. Those ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun, but rather a generic term.

SubRosa: Thank you so much, I do need a critic. The best part is that you are a cronstructive critique, which I've never had before! Couldn't continue without you!

Acadian: Also, thank you! The computer I was working at, someone had spilled orange juice all over it, so not only did it reek, the letters didn't go down right!

Zalphon: An almost-author. Wow! I've never met an almost author, or an author-to-be! Thank you for contributing you professional opinion!

mALX: Thanks! I've found that fanfic writers are way nicer than I thought they would be!

Tulustan: You happen to be my first poster! And you have continued to post! Even better! Thx!

All: I've decided that I'll probably do a post every one or two days. I beleive that someone said I should do something like that, and I would give them credit, only I can't for the life of me remember who!

Hi Petra, welcome to the forums. I see that you have already benefited from the sage advice and the editorial eyes of SubRosa and Acadian. They will not steer you wrong and, along with mALX and Zalphon, their comments are always supportive and constructive.

I tend to be the evil one! (just kidding)

Commenting on the style of your story:

This is difficult because of the nature of your protagonist. On the one hand she describes the act of killing an assassin as if it is a trivial matter that she has done countless times in the past. But, then again, she is capable of this:

This is wonderfully engaging!

So now we have an adorable twelve year old Nordic (or Nedic) girl who is wise enough to lament the acoustics of her cell and who just happens to be incredibly adept at putting the pointy end of a sword into people. A difficult character to pin down, to say the least! She is infectiously likable though, which is an extremely difficult trick to pull off, and one that I applaud you for.

On the changing of names:

This is a slippery slope. First and foremost, let me stress that this is your story and you are perfectly free to change the names of characters as you see fit. Having said that, you have to remember that you aren’t dealing with characters that you invented, there is a recognition factor with your readers that you need to consider.

It would be like me changing the name of the Emperor’s son to Doug because the name Martin gets on my nerves. I am perfectly free to do so, but it changes the story considerably, and I have to be careful that it doesn’t annoy or alienate the reader. One way around this is to give your reader a heads-up in a brief introduction to a chapter in which the character appears. Then, when the name change comes, it won’t seem like a typo on the part of the author.

One last tiny nit:

As this sentence reads now it forms an impossible paradox, because Baurus can’t be lying on the floor and carried at the same time. I suggest changing ‘and’ to ‘then’ in order to establish continuity between events.

I hope these comments don’t seem overly harsh. They are not intended to be, but I know that I can sometimes sound a little derisive or sarcastic (right, mALX?). All of the above is meant to be supportive and constructive. I really enjoyed reading your story, and I look forward to reading more.

Destri Melarg: Thank you, you are right. The goblin couldn't be carrying him away while he was lying on the floor. Duh (slaps forehead) ! I suppose I meant to say dragged.

Thank you!

GAAAAH !!!! Er... ** KA KA ** [mALX choked to death in front of her PC, the last words on her lips being..."did I do something wrong?"]

Okay, here's my post for today. Hope there aren't TOO many nits!

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PART 4

Baurus was dead. I had seen it with my own eyes. Baurus was dead, and the goblins would pay. I was not his friend, I had known him for less than an hour, and it was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with me (this is understandable, however, so I didn't take it as an insult).But he was a good man, loyal, smart, brave, and he deserved more than a decent burial. Instead, there he was, getting pulled off into oblivion, by a goblin. Where they would eat him and suck out his brains. No one deserved this.

So, not only could I not stop his being dead, I couldn't even bury him! Couldn't even avenge his death, for the moments the goblins had gotten hold of his body, they had ran off, with the rats behind them. When I'd tried to follow, they'd ran through a door, which clanged shut right in my face.

Locked. I tried it again. Still locked! I cursed. This wasn't fair!

I went back to the site of the attack, hoping for a lock pick. I searched all of the bodies, save the Emperors. Not a single one. I wanted to scream. Instead, I looked at the small pile of items I'd gleaned from the corpses; Several pieces of parchment, two clubs, seventy-nine arrows, an iron bow, and a worn leather suit of armor.

I donned the armor, strapped the arrows to my back, put the late Captains sword back in the sheath, and stuffed the parchment into a small breast pocket. There wasn't enough light to read them now.

So I continued toward what I hoped to be the exit. I met several goblins, and quite a few Assassins - that is to say, I killed them - , because I was infinitely better at archery than swordplay. Arrows sprouted from the attackers chest, neck, head, and occasionally eyes.I also found many lockpicks. Not a single lockpick to be found, when I actually needed it, but now, twenty-four of them, and I couldn't find my way back. The irony of this was just sickening.

It was hours later, and I was about to just give up and die, when I saw it. A light! That had to mean the outside. I hurried forward, and it was. Finally, with my hand on the old wooden door, I shut my eyes, and stepped outside.

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It was dusk. A few stars were trying to flicker into visibility. I looked around. There was only one recognisible feature in my surroundings. White Tower. That meant I had to be near the Imperial City. I gaped. It was beautiful, imposing. The sewers - for that was what it must be - had taken me far. From Cheydinhal to the Imperial City, that had to be at least a dozen leagues. Incredible.

The dusk reminded me of something, something far away...

"Kill her!" says the Master.

"But, sir..." my voice fades away into the silence. The Brotherhood is cruel. To order me to kill my parents. They have done nothing wrong. No, the fault is mine. I have failed to kill the Blade Kathren. I haven't even captured her.

"You failed me, Deadalu. The best I can say about this mission is that you were undetected." His voice is velvet, dangerous.

I stand, despite my bleeding back. "If I had killed her," I began, using my best diplomatic voice, "the others would have seen. Like wise, had I captured her."

"That is no excuse."

Poor Baurus, not only dead but goblin food! Ewww. I noticed it is Baurus now?

And quite the revelation at the end! So Alex/Deadalu is a member of the Dark Brotherhood? That explains quite a bit! It will be interesting to see where you take this from here.



nits:
insult).But
It looks like a goblin ate the space between sentences here.

put the late Captains sword back in the sheath
That would be Captain's, as it is possessive.

and quite a few Assassins - that is to say, I killed them
And assassins here.

and occasionally eyes.I also found many lockpicks.
Another eaten space between sentences here.

Here we learn that as good as Alex seems to be with a blade, she is better with a bow.

The death of Baurus, combined with the Emperor not sharing much info at all with Alex has a chilling effect on what may happen to the Empire. It seems Alex my not be on that path - and that is fine.

What a delicious mystery regarding her involvement with the Dark Brotherhood! I wonder if she will now set her sights back to Cheydinhal.

Nice job, Petra!

Now I can see it. We know that the Dark Brotherhood takes shadowscales at birth, so why not little Nordic girls? Those same shadowscales have to do something while they are growing up. I imagine learning their way around a bow and a sword would just be standard procedure.

Too bad about poor Baurus, though. To survive the onslaught of an untold number of assassins, only to fall before the might of a goblin horde has to be quite an insult to a Blade.

Yes, that is what I was thinking.But... don't count your chickens before they've hatched *wiggles eyebrows*.

You mean Baurus will return from the grave to wreak a terrible vengeance? Cool!

Amazing improvements in your story and writing in Part 4 - Great Job !!!

Okay, guys. part 5. Enjoy.

PART 5

I shivered violently. Who knew the Imperial City could be so cold? This would probably be summer weather in Skyrim, of course, or perhaps even Bruma. But I hadn't been to either, and, having grown up in Cheydinal, where it was always relatively warm, I had experienced little, if any, kind of clod. Shivering again, I perked up my ears, and looked around the Merchants Inn. It was rowdy, and I was rather surprised not to see a Bouncer.

"Oh, so, see, I wos comin' fro' the 'ospi'al, 'ere I saw a man. Bloo'y as 'ey ever 'ome! hic! Booros? 'E 'ad an in'er'es'in name, I do be'eve, though I wos ra'er drunk, at 'e time.Hic!" The man continued to guess names, until I stepped in front of him.

"Oh, 'ello, luv. Do ya need any'ing?" he smiled, cross eyed, obviously still completely drunk.

I frowned at him as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I am coming extremely close to realizing what you mean, sir. And, yes," I added," I do need something. Information." His face fell, and I scowled at him.

"W'll, I'za sure we can work ou' a 'eal."

"Agreed. Three septims, perhaps?"

"Awl-righ'y 'en. Wha' for, luv?"

"The man you mentioned. Was his name, perhaps... Barus? Was he a Redguard?"

I appeared to have struck gold. "Tha' 'e wos!" cried the man.

I thanked him, rather stiffly, handed him the gold coins, took a last sip of wine, and left the Inn.

My that drunk's accent was so think an elephant could have walked on it! Well written. I doubt I could have done a cockney accent like that!

And it does indeed appear that Baurus/Barus survived? It will be interesting to hear his tale, if our Nord can catch up with him.


Nits:
I had experienced little, if any, kind of clod
I suspect you meant cold there.

Barus/Baurus. You really need to pick one, stick with it, and go back and edit the previous posts to make it consistent throughout the story. Otherwise you are just needlessly confusing your readers.

So, our rather mature wine-sipping twelve year learned that Baurus is still alive? How exciting! You surely never did say he was dead. . . just dragged away, you trickster!

This was well done!


Nits:
Cheydinhal is the correct spell for Alex's city.

'It was rowdy, and I was rather surprised not to see a Bouncer.'
You should decapitalize bouncer here, as it is a generic term, like bartender, with no reason to be capitalized.

Whew, it seems that Baurus survived. That was a potential embarrassment dodged. Nothing says ‘oops’ like being killed by goblins on the night of the Emperor’s assassination! And I agree with Acadian that the sight of a twelve year old sitting in a tavern drinking wine is just priceless!

SubRosa: Oops, you're right! Sometime spellcheck comes on automatically on my computer! Aparently Baurus is a name! Thanks!

Acadian: Yes, I specificaly left out saying that he was actually dead, but tryed to make the reader believe it by repeating Alex's opinion a lot!

Destri Melarg: 'Nothing says "oops" like being killed by goblins on the night of the Emperor's assassination!' Exactally! !

Okee, ladies and gents! Part 6, coming your way!

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PART 6

I spent the night wandering the empty streets, cataloging good places to rob in my head. No, I'm not really a thief, I just think that way. Most places were shabby, rundown, or too small to find anything good other than perhaps ten coin. 'Useless place', I thought, sighing. Why did people live here anyway?

After my fifth round of wandering Market District, an Imperial Legion Guard stopped me.

"You are familliar," he said bluntly, and held up a poster with a rough painting of me on it. They had gotten my hair wrong - it should have been blood-red, not orange - my eyes should be black, not blue, and my features seemed oddly twisted, morphed into an insane grin. I sighed, wondering how on earth he could even tell, as my face was obscured by a long, black hood. And my skin! It was, like yellow ! It should have been ivory!

"You think that looks like me?" I asked, trying to act taken aback. "She's gotta be at least twenty! And anyway, I thought-"

The Guard cut me off . "You," he insisted.

"Not me. Anyway, I thought that she was already captured!" It was obvious that he knew that, and was only trying to hassle me. He shrunk back into the shadows, watching me roll my eyes theatrically toward him.

Another Guard stepped forward. 'Oh, not again,' I thought, but he was already speaking.

"Sorry about Amus," He said, "He's usually like that." I stared blankly at him until he sighed. "Okay, what did I do?" The Guard seemed genuinely concerned - a trait I had never associated with Imperial Legioners -.

"Uh, what? Nothing," I stuttered. He sighed once again, and held out his hand. "Seth Dormor," he said.

"Um..." I debated telling my real name, and finally said, "Alex Deadalu." I couldn't find a reason to lie to him.

"So you were the assassin." I mentally slapped my forehead. 'Idiot!' I thought.

"Uh, actually, I..." My brain was blank (not something that had ever happened, let me assure you), and I stuttered to a halt.

"So you are," said Seth. He didn't sound the least bit surprised. "I thought so. You had a wary look in your eye, like everyone was your enemy."

"You sound like you know about it."

"Ahh, no, that is... um. Erm." he squirmed uncomfortably. I grinned at him, and raised my eyebrows.

Three comments here:

1. What a wonderful method of 'showing' us more about Alex's apprearance! Very clever indeed!

2. Starting in the middle of your chapter, it looks like the italics controls got away from you. Take a look at the second half of the chapter and consider some adjustments perhaps. There are a couple stray [i] kind of symbols and much of your italics use seems almost random.

3. I'm not quite sure I follow the interactions with the guards. Specifically, I'm not sure what our twelve year old did that caused an Imperial Legion guard to 'shrink back into the shadows', then she somehow caused another to 'squirm uncomfortably'. Quite unexpected behavior for armor-clad professional soldiers when questioning a child wandering around at night? Between her apparent combat skills, comfort in bars, verbal dueling skills and reputation as an assassin, your portrayal of Alex appears to be bordering on that of a 24 year old, not a child half that age?

I have to agree with Acadian on all of the above. You created a situation where your description came into play admirably - very slick !!

The italics do need fixing, that is not your fault. Also, I noticed some of your tags on dialogue - two different people talking in the same paragraph ends up being confusing to the reader, if you can seperate them it would help greatly.

The third thing Acadian mentioned - I have to agree with as well, but I would go so far as to say the character is coming across a lot older than 24 even.

Too skilled in weapons for a 12 year old tends to end up being unbelievable simply by strength. She is fighting trained soldiers, assassins, etc - and they are grown men. And if she is (at 12) strong enough to overcome grown men, readers will wonder why/how

- is she the child of a Daedric prince?
- An ancient vampire's offspring (Like the Gray Prince, who was stronger than humans), etc.

It's okay to make her that mighty for a 12 year old, I just wondered if there is a reason she is.

The drinking in the tavern was hard to swallow (pun intended) - in Germany the legal age to drink is 14 years old - True, Nords are known to drink, so maybe there are 12 year olds drinking in taverns in Skyrim, but in Cyrodiil? - I was skeptical about that.

Her banter, repartee, ability to handle drunks adeptly - frighten soldiers into submission - and being a DB assassin - all at 12 years old - very hard to picture.

My pea brain can't come up with any possible way she could have developed that much life experience in only 12 years - (except one in which a 36 year old former assassin turned barfly dies, and her evil spirit is not willing to leave Nirn so swoops into the body of a newborn, battles the baby's soul and wins - then lives inside that child, making it do evil crimes and fast action in bars)

...well, and then there is the one about her being orphaned and sold into slavery as a baby - where she was put into unspeakable situations for a child

My scenarios are silly, I know - but your imagination and creativity may have a really good reason she has so much life experience and skills in so short a life - enquiring minds (mine) want to know how she got this way.

Please don't take this as criticism, it is not - only a nudge to tell us more about your protagonist so we can understand how she came to be who she is at such a young age. If you do a flashback, or a bio - I'm there, because I'm dying to know how she got this way.

Your writing is improving with each chapter, keep up the good work !!!

Acadian: 1; Thx! 2; Thanks! my sister was messing around on the computer while I was typing. I thought I go everything, but I guess not. She probably... yeah, she hit the send button prematurely. Fffft. And she's supposed to be mature! (Rolls eyes) 3; Well, I have a secret... mwhahaha! Mayhappeth I'll tell later...!

mALX: Most of your scenarios are good! Never woulda thoughta 'em! Nice! Perhaps a bio is in order... Yes. In my next comment (aka, as soon as I know how to do those spoiler things...)

And now for maybe posting the stuff my older sister deleted or something, or maybe fixing the nits... or maybe writing a bio on Alex Deadalu!

Okay! The bio on everything that has happened so far, to explain stuff a bit further, and another biography on things possibly yet to come!

Alex Deadalu was born on... 12 years ago (sorry! ). Her parents were Darigus Deadalu and Jessyca Smythe. By sad mistake, Alex was born in Cheydinhal, where, after 3 years of her birth, the dark brotherhood came. Her father (who was more a scoundrel than anything else) had bet Alex on a few games of poker. Being drunk at the time, he lost, of course. The man who 'won' Alex then proceeded to bet, and lose on other card games. In the end, it happens to be a man named Lucien Lachance who walked away, undefeated, from the Inn. Not only did he now have a very large amount of gold, he also was in posession of Alex.

Alex was whisked away for training, and by the time she was 8, she'd had her first kill. Steadily rising in rank, she becomes the second-in-command, until... she fails to kill a Blade. Not Barus, but Kathren. She is discarded from the Brotherhood, by way of making her do an impossible task. The couple that she had grown up with, Julian and Mary Delphiki (no, they don't exist in the game to my knowledge), were slotted for death. At that time, she was 12. Instead of killing who she thought was her biological parents, she turned herself in for a murderer.

With her childhood already completely ruined, she is taken from the cell with the Emperor of Tamriel, who she then sees die. The one friend she might have possibly made is dragged away with goblins. Rather sad, (I say rather because she didn't really know emotions very well and had no idea how to go about being heart broken or devastated) she heads of the the Imperial City, and what does she find, but a rumor about Barus and his extremely bloodied and worn state!

So, what we have know, instead of the beautiful baby girl we started out with, we now have a tough, hardened twelve year old who's cunning and deadly enough to kill anyone. Not really strong, emotionally or physically, (She always defeated her various enemies with clever manuvers) she is thrust into a friendship with a certain trouble-attracting 16 year old Legion Guard named Seth Dormor...


okay, theres the first bio. And now, if you really want to read the double spoiler, which is focused on the future, please do, but don't tell anyone!

I may vary occaisionaly from the spoiler, so this is probably just an outline.

... and now I am very angry, because the spoiler isn't working at all! hmmm. well, crap. okee. maybe... I'm gonna try and put this on another comment...

okay. Nevermind. sorry.

AWESOME !!!! I knew you could do a better scenario than me !!!! I love it !!!!






I love this!! You have an AWESOMELY creative mind, this ROCKS !!! Thank you, Petra!! Now I can get closer to your character, understanding her !!! Great storyline !!!

Wow, Thanks, mALX! I just kinda went along with it, and, seriously, that spoiler thing is SOOOOO annoying. It took me half an hour to realize how to get it to work right.!

I love the background story you created. It is SUPER interesting, and explains how she became who she is at 12. You have a hugely creative mind, and your story/chapters are well thought out and written, especially now that I have a clearer idea of who she is - I LOVE it !!!

Great Job on this, and I am excited to see where you take it !!!

Wow. So, thanks for your support!

PART ... what is it? okay.

PART 7

It was around noon, and Seth Dormor and I were still talking, me trying to coax information out of him with limited to no success, him trying, unsucessfully, to change the topic.

"Why won't you just tell me?!" I asked, frustrated.

"Hmmm... lets see... well, maybe because you're a wanted criminal?" I shook my head. He sighed, and tried again.

"Uh, you're just twelve and you might get nightmares? No luck - ouch!" his cry was quiet - thank Talos- but his head had whipped to the side as I slapped him.

"Excuse me, Mr. Imperial Legioner, but I happen to have about one billion times more experience than you. So don't even think about pulling that trick with me."

Seth rubbed his cheek. "That hurt."

"It would've been wasted if it hadn't. And, since you won't tell me anything , I think I'll go to the hospital to find... someone."

"Someone? Who? An old friend?" He now sounded curious, for the first time in hours.

"Yes. No. Not an old friend." I frowned as I tried to describe Barus. "Someone I met about yesterday who hates me for reasons I won't say, who got dragged away by goblins as I was leaving the Imperial Sew-" I clapped a hand over my mouth, and mentally slapped my forehead. Why had I said that?

"What reasons? Leaving the Imperial Sewers? Who? Dragged away by goblins? Are you sure that they're still alive?" I scowled at him.

"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. I'm outa here." I began walking toward the first door that caught my eye, labeled 'City Isle' . I turned around.

"Seth? Where's the hospital?"

"The hospital? The only hospital is in Bruma.Why?" I cursed under my breath.

"No reason," I said.

"No reason," he repeated. "Which means you're lying through your teeth."

The repartee between Seth and Alix is really well done!! You have a quick wit to write these dialogues !!!

Yes, some brisk and snappy dialogue between Seth and Alex.

"Uh, you're just twelve and you might get nightmares? No luck - ouch!" his cry was quiet - thank Talos- but his head had whipped to the side as I slapped him.
This was wonderfully done!

So, it seems that Alex may be off to Bruma next - to find Barus/Baurus. I hope she takes some warm furs.

At this point, your story is coming along nicely and it looks like you have a plan. You may want to consider slowing your posting schedule a touch, and reading some of the excellent fan fiction stories here in order to benefit from the style and technique of others, as well as garner/maintain the support and readership of other writers.

Yes, have been reading other fanfics (yours is beautifully done), and thats probably the reason for my sudden ideas. I think my problem is that i haven't been writing down my fanfic on other documents like word or something. I'll try that....

Good idea. You never know when one of these sites will decide to clear out their backlog - and everything you wrote suddenly disappears.

Case in point: The BGSF - that most of us floated over here from - every now and then clear out old stuff - or change their format and stuff gets mysteriously wiped out in the process - always good to have your own copy to look back on.

I completely agree with everything that mALX and Acadian have already said. One of the things that I like about your writing is the lack of pretension. You have a very direct and engaging style that makes it easy for me to overlook silly details like the constraints of Alex’s age and just go along with your story. That is something that people spend years trying to achieve!

I also appreciated the bio, but it did raise one question: You say that Alex has no experience with emotion. Why then would she sacrifice her standing with the Brotherhood by refusing to kill her foster parents? Julian and Mary Delphiki would not have had much contact with her if she were spending all her time training in the Cheydinhal Sanctuary. Deadened to emotion as she is/was (her increasing experience with emotion makes for a GREAT subplot, if you ask me), she would have seen the Delphiki’s as just two more targets, no?

Destri Melarg: I believe the reason that Alex sacraficed her job for her 'parents' is because she felt responsible for them. She didn't love them, no, but (luckily) she still had a sense of right and wrong, and she knew it would be wrong to kill the people who she had lived with for most of her life. Thank you!

PART 8

I was looking around the Merchants Inn, wondering where that drunkard was. I just needed to confirm the fact that he had seen Barus at all. But he wasn’t anywhere.

“Excuse me, bartender. Would you mind telling me where-“

“Haven’t you heard the news?” he asked in a hushed voice. “ Farelarg the Drunk was murdered.” I blinked. ‘Dead?’ I thought. ‘Now I can’t ask him if his little story was true.’

I nodded to the bartender stiffly, and walked out the door. Where was Seth?

“Alex?” there he was.

“Didn’t I specifically tell you to stay by The Black Courier? I know I did.”

“Well, yes, but-“ I cut Seth off.

“But you thought I’d be in danger, despite the fact that I could kill anyone with my bare hands. Sure, Seth. Anyway. In other news, the beggar I wanted to talk to was murdered.”

“But Alex,” said Seth in mock protestation. I thought that you had given up being an Assassin!”

“That wasn’t me, you idiot. Why in Cyrodiil would I kill someone if I wanted to know something about or from them, besides the way their guts looked?”

Seth wrinkled his nose at the image – which shows just how wimpy he was – and tried to reason with me (which, just between you, me, and the lamppost, is worse than pointless).

“Alex, why don’t you just give up?” he pleaded.

I sighed wearily. “Because, as stupid as this sounds, I have a mission, and the Emperor himself gave it to me.”

Yeah !!! You got your avatar fixed !!! Is that the one I sent you?

This line is my favorite, and shows how seriously she took her mission from Uriel:




Great Write !!!

mALX: Yes, this is the avatar you sent me! Thx! It's really nice, and I love it.