Last few weeks I have had ideas for stories rolling around in my brain muscle, so here is me trying to share one of them. Critiques are welcome!

Chapter 1

It had been roughly five years since I had gone north to the port city of Tanon in search of wealth. I had heard many things about the city, especially how easy it was to find a job on the wharf, which being of the prespant class left me very few choices in work. Slowly I had worked my way up the labor ladder on the wharfs and had become the manager of wharf four. It was still hard work especially getting the newer members to unload cargo quick enough and safe enough as to not hurt themselves or the cargo.

This year however I had begun to take a liking to one of the new dockhands. His name was Marcus and he had been working on the wharfs for only a few months. However, he had the brains to listen to my advice and not get himself seriously hurt or killed yet, and also no complaints had been filed against him (all extremely rare for new dockhands).

All in all life was going pretty good. I looked at the machine in the corner that told me what hour of the day it was… very nice almost time to go home. I decided to go down and arrange some festivities for the night.

As I walked onto the wharf the familiar feel of the treated wood groaned under my feet as the ocean tried to lazily dislodge it from the earth that it had been built into. Not much had changed about wharf four in the five years I had worked on it. A few broken planks here and there and that one time the crane had broken and almost clove the wharf in half, but it was still the same thing with a few scars and the blood of the men who worked it.

As I reached about halfway across the wharf I spied Marcus unloading a medium sized grey crate by himself. “Hey there!” I yelled to him.

“Whoa, if it isn’t the grand ol boss here to the rescue.” He yelled back. “Gonna actually contribute to this little shindig for once instead of sittin on your boat all day watchin us do all the work?”

“Hey! It takes a lot of strength writing those reports for all the crates you’ve dropped!” I replied not having to yell with the distance closed to within a few feet.

“Ah dang, you know I don’t drop any crates. But please feel free to keep sitting there while I do real work!”

I let out a little chuckle at that and began to help him lift a couple of the heavier crates off of the ship. I mean hell it’s a great way to keep in shape and I owed him after the drunken stupor I managed to drink myself into the night before.

Even though I had not totally recovered from that previous night I asked him “After were done off loading this ship wanna go to the Musty Sailor and grab some of the new import from Mumbril. I hear they added some extra zing to their new batch of ale!”

“Are you joking with me? After last night you wanna go drinking again? I mean cmon you just about killed yourself in that pile of puke you conjoured up! But yeah I guess, hopefully this time you’ll be walking me home though… Yeah I just realized the likelihood of that statement, ya drunky.”

“Hardy har har, see ya there. I gotta go take care of a few administrational things first.” under my breath, but loud enough to hear me I muttered “like getting you fired”.

“oh, you bag of dicks” he responded then said “later, don’t get too drunk before I get there to drag your boat home” he finished.

At that I walked back to my office at the end of the wharf and began to get all the reports ready to hand in the next day to the “dock master”. By the time I had finished my paperwork it was dark out and the candle lit room cast shadows of all the odd bobbles I had collected over the time I had lived in Tanon.

As I left my office the familiar smell of saltwater assailed my nostrils. Usually I just ignored it automatically but for some reason it was intensely strong. I kept walking back to my house. The whole way there the pungent aroma of the saltwater assaulted my senses.

I approached the shortcut to my house. It went behind the butchers shop and a few tall apartment buildings. Most of the city was built out of solid stone, one of the few in the kingdom. It was a key hub for commerce and with an abundance of quarries and a limited supply of farmland the city had built vertically.

As I reached my house, an apartment complex grafted onto the side of the southern wall, I noticed that most of the blankets over the windows of each apartment were down. I found this to be very odd because it was still early in the night and still fairly warm outside.

I got into my room and began changing into clothes I did not care overly much about (didn’t want to have to worry about puking on myself and buying a new shirt). I took care to put my dagger back on however, never know when you can use one in a enclosed area full of men whose heads may be a teeny bit infected with alcohol.

I left my house on the same route I had come in and when I got to the back ally I thought that I noticed someone following me. I ignored it, this being one of the safer cities in the kingdom thanks to all of the wealth it had acquired.

About halfway through the ally I heard someone full out sprinting in behind me. Quickly I turned around and began to pull my dagger. However, as the blade almost cleared the phantom behind me tackled me to the ground. He reached for something in his lavender robe, quickly I thrust my leg upward and into his growing getting enough force to somersault him over me.

I looked back to notice that he had somewhat recovered and had drawn a sword. Quickly I rolled to my feet and pulled my dagger. He came swift and fast with a lunge for my chest. I barely got the parry in time to stop the blade from gutting me. Again he tried to inflict damage on my innards using the same thrust. However this time I was more prepared and managed to parry the thrust easily. I noticed that he either must not have been expecting such a strong parry or was very inexperienced at using a sword because the parry had left his middle right open.

I took the advantage. I jumped on him with all of my might and knocked him to the ground. Right when we hit the ground I pummeled him once in the face with the butt of my dagger and kicked his sword away.

“Why are you attacking me!” I yelled into his face. The sound I got back was that of a mad animal trying all it could to break free. The thing was it wasn’t me he was trying to break free of. It was like something inside the man wanted out, or control of the body. I repeated my inquiry.

His face turned savagely red but it looked like something was winning over and he managed to mutter through gritted teeth “Heh help me”.

I had no idea how to help this man or even if he needed helping maybe this was just a ploy to break free from my hold. I began to ask in what way I could assist him when all of a sudden I heard a zinging sort of noise from my left ear, there was a wet smacking sound. The attacker had stopped moving altogether underneath me and a warm fluid had begun to puddle near my left knee where I was holding his arm down. That is when I noticed a small dagger handle jutting out of the side of my attackers’ neck.

Before I had any time to process what was going on a contingent of guards had appeared from the northern section of the ally. One of them pointed and shouted something at me. I was barely paying attention to him. The guards were closing in on me and I panicked, grabbed my attackers sword, and ran. There were a few places I knew the law didn’t dare look in Tanon and even though I really didn’t want to go there I doubted that they would believe I had not killed the man.

I had run back towards my house but instead of going straight through the streets I turned sharply at the end of the ally and headed back the main road. Luckily the streets were still somewhat busy from people coming back from work, and kids running through the streets, so losing the guards wasn’t terribly hard.

When I felt I had sufficiently lost them I headed back to my apartment. I stole a glance at the ally that I had gotten attacked in and not trace that the event had even occurred. That was very odd usually a royal inquisitor would try and figured out not only what happened, but who done it. Tonight was becoming more and more odd. I finally entered my apartment, the adrenaline instantly wore off and I felt shaky all over. I nearly collapsed. I went to go sit down on my chair and when I did a dull thunk sounded. I looked down to where the noise had come from and a sword was on the ground. It wasn’t just any sword, it had the Royal seal on the pommel and golden inlays on the hilt.

“Oh balls” I murmured. There were only three people in the Tamultan kingdom that had swords like this. Two of which were the prized princes, and the last was the grand general, their uncle.

I had to think fast. There was no way the general was so unskilled he could have easily gutted me like a fish. So that means the authorities think that I killed one of the princes. The question is could they really identify me? Should I even risk it?

I had decided to go the safe route and get the hell out of town. I quickly grabbed anything I could carry and all of the stored gold I had amassed. I also redressed into something warmer and with a hood so that just in case a guard did get a good look at my face it would be much harder to recognize me.
I had only been in my room for what felt like five minutes when I heard a commotion in the street. Guards began coming at my building from different streets. How could they have found out who I was so quickly? I remembered leaving my dagger which had my name engraved in it. “Balls” I muttered. There was no way that I could talk my way out of this, I destroyed that chance when I fled the scene.

I remembered that one of my neighbors had gone to see to a trade agreement with the dock master that night so I ran out of my room leaving the door open and plunged my way into his rooms which was luckily unlocked. Thinking with the great brain I had I decided that underneath his bed would be the perfect place to hide until the guards had left my room and then the building.

Within a few breaths I heard the pounding of mailed feet advancing up the staircase. “Quickly the door is open, find the murderer there is no way he has left the building!” a guard yelled. A few heavy breaths after that there was a commotion in what I could only guess was my room. From all of the crashing and yelling, my excellent brain deduced that they were ransacking my room looking for anything and everything that revealed my location.

“Start searching the other rooms in the building.” One guard ordered in an oddly high pitched voice. I had begun contemplating the stereotype of deeply voiced guards when the door to the room I was in splintered open. “Quickly check the room! We have to catch this guy or we are the ones on the chopping blocks.”

My heart rushed into my head. I was so stupid, who wouldn’t check underneath bed. The noise that the guards made masked all of my hyperventilating. I slowly moved the where the head of the bed met the wall and made myself as compact as possible.

“He’s not here” one of the other guards said sourly.

The one with the high-pitched voice yelled back at him “If he’s under the bed that you forgot to check, and we still do catch him, you are a dead man!”

There was a shuffle and a head intruded into my shelter. I don’t know if it’s because he took the threat literally and really did not want to find me or if it was just blind luck, but the guard only looked at the bottom half of the bed. He left my sanctuary and reported “nothing down there, no one is stupid enough to think that hiding under a bed will keep them hidden”.

As I waited for the guards to clear out of the building I looked back at how lucky I had just been. Then looked just a bit farther and realized just how unlucky I had been. Why the hell was a prince murdered. This kingdom has a pretty good monarch. Everyone is relatively content for the most part. Then the natural instincts of man began to set in and I began thinking of the smaller picture. Of just me, and how the hell I was supposed to survive when surely the malice of an entire kingdom would be hunting me like common game soon enough.

The only real option I had was to try and get across the Andrine Mts. and into the nomadic wastes to the east. Hopefully I could tack on to some tribe and figure out what to do next. First thing first, I had to get out of Tanon.

Action packed and well written !!!

Chapter 2

It had been about a month since the escape from Tanon. During that time a nice dark brown beard had managed to express itself prominently on my face. About two weeks after my escape the something I had never bothered to think about happened, the blasted thing began to itch like I had been to a brothel filled to the brim with little clappers. I had decided not to shave it however, because it would make identifying me harder.

Thankfully the mountain passes were still pretty easy to travel and not much snow had fallen. I had heard how terrible the storms could be here in the Andrine Mts. Shouldn’t be in the passes for too much longer. Every night was incredibly strenuous, what with the mountain cats prowling the pass and calling out to their brethren, and all of the bugs that slowly whittled away at me with their tiny bites. The worst part was the sogginess, even though it had not ‘technically’ rained the amount of morning dew that formed managed to chill me to the core. There was no way to escape its biting chill, every rock was slick with the dew and only twice had I been able to find any natural shelter once in the pass.

The absence of human companionship began to gnaw on me. Day and night there was no one to talk to, to help sort out what was happening. If only one other person was here to share in this loneliness it wouldn’t be so unbearable.

My finger in the dirt I began to move it in circles just passing time. The sun had been leaving the world earlier and earlier lately, it was treacherous to walk the passes at night so I entertained myself by making odd drawings in the dirt. Thankfully earlier in the day I had been able to find some wood that had not been marinating in dew for the last hundred years. A fire was a very welcome change, at this point it was almost a luxury.

A few more nights and there would be no need for a fire. In fact if what the rumors said was true a fire would be the last thing that I wanted in the wastes. For now however the warm crackle of the fire kept me warm enough and the area around bright enough to let me continue with my idle doodles in the earth.

Sure enough two days later I had dropped out of the pass and hit the wastes. They were just as I had heard; dry, sandy, and hellishly hot. The only thing for miles and miles was the golden crust of a well prepared pie. A very crispy and generally tasteless pie crust, but crusty none the less. What made it worse was the complete lack of clouds in the sky. They literally just did not exist; it was like the mountains were too much of an obstacle for them to climb over.

South was the way to go once in the wastes. If I could get far enough to the south I could find the end of the two rivers of Yurel. Between the rivers there was fabled to be a city of enormous prosperity wealth, and full of ancient artifacts and whatnot. I was really hoping they had at least some water and game I could hunt.

It had been two weeks since I had entered the wastes and I was really beginning to question my decision to journey to this god forsaken place. Every day was blisteringly hot and night had become a fight with the small critters that kept trying to poke at me while I slept. Unfortunately for those pests and fortunate for me, they were my only real source of food. There was not much fauna larger than the occasional elephant beetle so I made due. I wouldn’t have minded eating them except that sometimes their wings would get stuck in my teeth, and oddly that is where I drew the line of what was disgusting and promptly threw up.

Every few days I would find a stream that trickled down from the mountains and would fill up the canteen. I was in the process of filling when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a small rodent scurrying away from me.

“Stop!” I yelled foolishly thinking that this animal would simply stop and listen to me. The animal did actually stop look back at me, quickly turned and kept running. Even though I knew the odds of catching the rodent were very slim I kept running after it. I was about five or six yards behind it when I felt a bee like sting in my neck.

Quickly the rocks and sand began to meld into one distinctly indistinct darkness, that, in turn began to rotate. Quickly I found I was on the ground and had trouble moving my legs or any part of my body. Everything was turning dark and I could not fight the waves of nauseating sleep being forced upon me.

WOO HOO! A cliffhanger !!!!

I am picturing the wasteland from Fallout 3 as I read this. The surprise of the rat stopping was an Awesome detail to throw in there - I am liking this! Your writing is excellent, perfect amount of action, detail, and description. All I can say is ... MORE !!!

* * *

It had been a week since Marcus had been drafted into the local militia in Tanon. Rumors had been spreading that the princes assassin, Fellessen, had been working with the Acelunians. In the month after the killer had left Tanon chaos erupted all across the Tamultan Kingdom. Both countries had been gearing up for war, but with the assassination of the prince, the Tamultan army had surprised the Aceluns and taken the city of Brookensdale in a matter of days. Not wanting to look powerless the Aceluns launched a counter offensive and sent their navy to Mumbril. The Tamultans, caught off guard, had very few defenses and were quickly overrun.

If the Aceluns took Tanon a huge amount of raw material vital to the Tamultan war effort would be cut off. An emergency draft had been issued and one third of the population had been drafted into service. Estimates were that the first attack on Tanon would be within the month.

The fact that there was a very small military presence because of Tanons’ relative security only made matters worse. Few of the residents had any experience with a bow however the strong industrial base of the city meant the most promising soldiers would be found in the mines and docks. The hope was that because of the daily toil they endured will help to create them into a wall that no Acelun skirmisher would be able to break.

Marcus did not look forward to being killed or kill at all. Every day he cursed Fellessen and wondered why he killed the prince, betraying not only the country but Marcus himself. The time he had known Fellessen the man seemed to be of good character, a little odd, but never to the point of killing a prince.

“Get into formation now!” one of the soldiers yelled at Marcus.

“Yeah yeah, I know the drill. You’ve only been saying that every minute for the last week” he replied. With that reply the soldiers face was visibly redder and he stomped right up to Marcus and punched him in the gut. “Ugg” Marcus muttered.

“Do you think this is a game? We are going to have to fight for our lives and your attitude won’t just get you killed but the people around you killed as well. I know you were drafted but I don’t give a damn, I’m gonna make you soldiers whether you like it or not!” With that the soldier began to drill the draftees some more.

Before too long the dinner gong rang and all of the enlistees ran into the new barracks. Marcus headed to barracks B. It was a new hotel, tickling the sky at ten stories tall it was one of the tallest in the city. It was an odd building to look at, with the base mostly fashioned out of stone and mortar, but higher up it glistened from the steel that the rest of the tower was fused together with. It was an engineering marvel, nowhere else in the kingdom was a building that tall, or strong. The place was basically a fortress.

Someone has been in the military! lol.

Marcus made his way into the building. Upon entrance a now familiar smell assaulted his nose, it was that of many men crammed into a small area, and with the tantalizing smell of food it drove his nostrils crazy. He made his way towards the knot of men waiting for food. Per usual the line moved agonizingly slowly. Every step forward towards the food was almost torturous, however finally Marcus had his food in hand and went to go sit down. The closest empty space was next to a large burly bear of a man who seemed as if he alone was emitting most of the noxious scent. He had a massive under bite and the few strands of hair on his head were just a vague reminder of what had once been.

“Hey there fellaw, names Rataghuw. Yours?” The man said in a lively voice as he put his mug onto the table.

“I’m sorry what did you just say your name was Rat Jaw?” Marcus replied shocked.

“Oh no no no, RATA GWAW. Gwaw not jaw! Never eard that one before though!” he replied in an upbeat manner.

“Yeah, Im just gonna call ya Rat, ok? “

“Yeah that’s fine by me boy. So you from here?”

“Now try and keep the excitement down to a minimum but… yes I am in fact from this wonderful place.” Marcus said in a snarky tone.

“Well ya don have to be so cheery there boy. Just trying to make some friends in this ere army.” Quiet ensued between the two for a few seconds, both eying each other and sizing one another up. Suddenly Rataghuw face broke the stalemate between the two with a big grin. “Ya know, I jus realized I don even know your name? How impolite of me. Would ya be so kind as to enlighten me?”

“Marcus.”

“Well hello there Marcus, glad teh meet your acquaintance. Something seems teh be botherin ya, now either you’re a big ol stick in the mud or there is a big ol stick in you’re a—“

“Oh hah hah, yeah so what if somethings bothering me. Somethin is always bothering some one some where some how. So just lemme eat my meal in peace will ya?”

“Allright, if ya insist. Jus saying ya sat next to me there boyo.”

With that Marcus got up and left the table and quickly finished the last of his meal. He made his way back to his assigned room. Six other men were stationed in that room which made no sense to him because not only was the room cramped as all hell but his house was literally three blocks away.

Marcus grabbed a coat from under his cot and left the building. He walked around the city and noted all of the recent changes. A lot of the alleys had been gated up and main streets had been blocked off. The reasoning behind this was to keep the aggressor funneled at the defenders in tight kill zones easily defendable if the wall was breached.

Many upper story buildings had large pots now mounted in the windows. These would be filled with hot oil and dumped onto the invaders. With all of these defenses however the city was still severely lacking in archers which could easily be the defining element.

As Marcus thought about all of the ‘improvements’ to the city and what he had been taught by the military, the realization sank even deeper that he would most likely have to take a man’s life before the year was out. The concept was very foreign and had soured his mood. The more he thought about it the more he resented what was happening, what had happened, and what might happen. He thought of Fellessen and how this entire situation had begun.

It dawned on Marcus that the idea of the walk clearing his mind was really doing the opposite. He had to focus from here on about fighting, otherwise he would never have need to think again. With this he went back to the fortress of a barracks that now claimed him as resident.

I loved this! Hilarious, because it was so legit! People with hard to pronounce names go through this constantly! Extremely realistic scene !!!




Great chapter !!!

CHAPTER 3

It was dark, the smell of a clean stream was right next to me yet I could not see it or feel it. I tried to orient myself in the blackness when I noticed it. The thing was looking directly at me. Large golden eyes were the only thing I could make out though. A loud voice suddenly came from behind me. Spinning quickly yet precisely I focused on where the voice emanated from.

The noises were clear but in a language I could not understand. Flames raced down my back. I had forgotten about the creature. I fell forward at an alarming rate. I could not move my arms to brace the fall. Everything was light. I felt sand all over my face.

I tried to pick myself up. Arms were working again. Everything was blurry now I must have been asleep. I was really dizzy and the voice was still there I realized. Yelling, telling me to do something. What did it want from me!

My abdomen began pounding in torment and the world spun. I was on my back the sun was above me blinding my ability to perceive what was out there. More yelling. My throat ached in pain, it was amazingly hard the swallow.

“wa” I whispered desperately trying to say the name of the life giving liquid that I desperately needed. “water” I finally managed to say. More yelling, not at me.

How long had I been here, every breath stung and concentrating was almost impossible. The sun beat into my head and I realized my brain had been pounding in protest to what felt like the very thought of being alive. Time seemed to be standing still, there was muttering and movement. What was goi-, shadow descended upon me and I couldn’t breath. Something was in my air pipe. Coughing violently I began to expel the substance.

After my coughing fit the shadow returned. Water, it was obvious to me now that they were trying to give me wat- more of it came into my mouth this time however I began to swallow instead of continue to breath. Much to my relief the outcome differed this time.

My throat felt much better, but still very sore. My eyelids were having a hard time staying up and the more I fought it the harder it was to keep awake. My eyes began to burn from the struggle or something else not sure. Why was I fighting sleep. Why was it so hard to stay awake. Darkness came and took me back.

“Hey sleepy head!”

I jolted upright. Someone was in my camp! Wait no I wasn’t at my camp, I was somewhere else. I had been drugged. Taken somewhere else by people I had never clearly seen or understood. Suddenly a burst of wisdom popped into my mind and out my mouth “Wha?”

“Yeah sorry about all of that. They think you’re a spy, so just bear with me for a bit and either you’ll be dead or free.” The voice said with a chuckle. “But seriously, don’t try and lie it really will be detrimental. Do you understand?”

“Uh yeah.” The man speaking to me was relatively tall. The dark hair on his head was vanishing with his age. The face seemed warm, as if he cared about everything and anyone around him.

“Great then! Let us get down to it. First I will explain what happened. You see you were hit by a really strong anesthetic slash paralytic. So now that we’ve cleared the air with that what’s your name?”

“I’m sorry but aneshectic? What the hell is that?”

“Basically it makes you sleep, a lot, without feeling anything. Your name please?”

“It’s Fellessen.”

“Ah so you’re the one who killed the prince then. Good I thought so. That will make clearing these spy accusations a breeze!”

“No wait what? I didn’t kill the prince. Why would that help?”

“If ya didn’t kill the prince then why did we find that grand ol sword on you?”

“I, someone else killed him I think.” My head was still a bit funny from that anesthingy. “Can Iget some water?”

“Oh yes of course. I’m so sorry, you really need to hydrate. We are in the desert and all!”

He seemed very friendly, odd. I was being interrogated wasn’t I? As I drank the water I tried to remember what had exactly happened in the past. Although he seemed nice something told me that he could be a much harder man. “Your name? I, I don’t know your name?”

“Oh yes! You can call me Hawke, for that is the name I have taken out here.”

“Hawke, well how long have ya been out here for?”

“Sorry but I am the one questioning you remember? Back to the topic, you say you did not in fact kill the prince?”

“No someone else did with a thrown dagger of sorts.”

“Hmm really. Why did you flee then?”

“No one would have believed my story?”

“And I am supposed to believe it? No, it does make more sense. I mean we literally found you chasing a rat. Not very sneaky for a spy. Or skilled.”

“Hey! I can be snea-”

“so you are a spy! A very juvenile one at that!”

“No that’s not what I meant, it’s just I was doi-“

“Doing what? Spying on the alliance!”

“NO, I was heading south to try and find a villag-“

“You went south to spy on a village to our south? A village owned by the Denegt tribe?!”

Frustrated and scarred that they would execute me I yelled “Let me finish a freaking sentence!”

“Good news buddy! You’re not a spy.” Hawke said with a smile on his face. “We knew from the last time we interrogated you. Except last time you were a bit more shall we say drugged up. Just giving you a hard time there pal!”

“Wha, why would you do tha-“

Somone entered the tent and as the owner pulled Hawke out he said “Sorry bout that one but I gotta go.” I could barely hear the last bit. “Stay put!”

I moved around in the small dwelling where I had woken up. The furnishings were very sparse. The material that the enclosure was made out of sown together animal hides. The one piece of furniture was a small table. More of a nightstand really. The wood it was made out of was really twisty and dark. I had never seen a plant or tree that grew like what it needed to for that shape to have been created.

Thankfully Hawke returned shortly after he left. “So here is the deal kid. Were packing up, you can leave and go your own way or stay with us.” He smiled that oddly comforting smile and said “However if you leave the closest source of water is probably a hundred miles south of here.”

“Yeah, uh I’m just going to stay with you guys.”

“Great! First thing first, you need to pack this tent up.” Hawke then casually left the dwelling.

The interrogation with Hawke was hilarious !!! Great Chapter !!!

mALX, thanks for all your input. I really do appreciate it! Feel free to critique as much as you like also.

Leaving the tent as well, I was immediately assaulted by the blinding brilliance of the sun. My eyes took time in adjusting to the brilliance. I spun around looking for any indication of where I might be. The whole place looked desolate. A few shrubs here and there fought their way through the crusty earth. Other than that though there was only the giant mountain. It was the lone protrusion from the ground for miles. It looked like a large sharks tooth had been jammed from the underside of a dried out pancake.

Hunger had forced itself upon me. When was the last time I had eaten? Gotta pack the tent first though. That was the priority, I would ask that Hawke character about getting some food afterwards.

It took me a few hours to get the tent into its bag. The thing simply would not fit. I tried re rolling it different ways many times but I could not get the blasted thing to get into the sack. A few members of the band had decided that I was good entertainment and had watched me struggle through the entire ordeal. It was as if they had given me a bag too small to hold the canvas of the tent on purpose just to watch me struggle. I hadn’t seen Hawke in a while either. Even though a small crowd had gathered to watch me I still felt alone. Unable to communicate with the majority was a new experience. It was very disheartening. I had made fun of the Adiplen traders for always fumbling on words when they had docked at Tanon.

The band of nomads started heading out soon after I had finished packing the tent up. They had loaded all of the stuff onto the top of large four legged creatures. I had never seen them before. The legs seemed too skinny to support their mass. The body of the creatures was also very odd, they were almost flat on the top but were also very shallow. It reminded me of a walking table. The head was the most intriguing. It had a head similar to a horse but the mouth was much more rectangular. The nose had a large bony protrusion that seemed to have no function other than making the beast look even more peculiar.

We began moving, heading towards the great protrusion in the earth. The size of the group was pretty large. I estimated it in the thousands, and everyone and their mother seemed to be armed to the teeth. There was beauty among these people though. I saw a few of the women looking at me and giggling. They wore silks that really left very little to the imagination. Their hair was dark, not a single member had light hair. It was odd since most people from the western cities had blonde hair. I had been one of the few exceptions.

A familiar bubbly voice came from behind me “Hey, heard ya had a hard time putting the tent away? Ya know that you were trying to put it in sideways right?”

So Hawke had been one of the observers also. Great. “So thank you for all your helpfulness on the matter” I replied in a sour tone.

“Oh don’t get you panties all in a twist. First time I did it, it took me the better part of a day! It’s kind of an unspoken ritual we have for outsiders.”

I felt a bit better after he had told me that he went through the same thing. I still asked “Really? It took you that long? Dang. How many other outsiders are there?”

“Naw took me maybe thirty minutes. Other outsiders besides you and I? Nope. The only reason you were allowed to stay is because your accused of killing the prince.”

“Great” I muttered back. Why did these people dislike my people so much? From what I heard very small amounts of Tamultans had ever even journeyed east. We had been told these people were constantly fighting each other and that going east was to invite disaster. Few traders had ever made a true profit of the thing. Remembering my hunger “Hey, do you know where I can find some food?”

Hawke reached into his bag and pulled out what must have been some sort of jerky. “Here ya go. This stuff will fill ya up quick!”

He handed me a large handful of the stuff. It was thicker than any jerky I had ever seen. The taste was actually pretty good but the texture was very odd. There were crunchy parts next to chewy parts with soft parts sprinkled intermittently. At one point I almost threw up. The texture in this jerky was so odd my mind got confused and didn’t like what it was experiencing.

Hawke laughed a little and said “yeah the stuff is a bit hard to get used to. The sooner ya do, the better your life will be! I have to go check on some things, enjoy the trip.” With that he walked away towards the back of the group.

He had not lied about the ability of this stuff to fill you up. After my third piece I was almost feeling bloated. The last few pieces were pocketed incase the need to eat struck me before Hawke returned.

The next few days went by without much incidence. Walking in sand was incredibly tiring and by that third night my legs ached and burned like never before. Hawke had begun to instruct me in the language of these people. It was so entirely different from my own that I struggled with almost every concept that he tried to teach me. Thankfully, I had made real progress with one thing. Packing that damned tent up. It now only took me maybe half an hour to get everything ready for travel. The size of my crowd had dwindled for those that watched me pack. They had almost seemed sad that I was able to do it much quicker.

Tonight there was supposed to be some sort of feast in honor of their god and prophet. I didn’t much care their deity, I wasn’t huge on the whole idea. Then again most of the lower class in the west was of similar mind when it came to any entity that was supposed to be fair and equal. Equality is something that men can only dream about in perfect situations with perfect people. However it is my belief that if a human is perfect in every way and without fault they are no longer a human.

The smell of roasting meat was strong as I approached the center of the camp. Odd music emanated from a group of people to my right. Celebration was in the air. The movement of the women around the fire caught my attention. The grace exuded was tremendous. All would move in unison thrusting violently forward then shaking their hips as though a wire was attached to their upper bodies and the lower body did whatever it pleased. One looked right at me. Blood rushed to my cheeks, and other places. I looked away concentrating on the hillside.

“Enticing aren’t they!”

Oh great he’s back. How will he make a fool out of me now.

“Here, drink up. It will numb ya so as not to make a public spectacle out of yourself!” He shoved a cup my direction.

I took the cup from him and gulped the whole thing down. It had been too long since I had ‘altered my state of mind’.

“Uh, I wouldn’t do tha- aw hell” Hawke said. The world began to spin. The honoured user this was really strong. Two voices rang into my head simultaneously yet at different times “forgot to tell ya that khundi is a hallucinogen. Damn every time, sorry, had a bit too much of it myself.”

The world morphed around me. Thorns erupted from the ground. Demons sped over the hills. I heard the language again. I looked up and Hawke had transformed into an avatar of light. He was holding a bow and aiming at the demons crawling over the hill. The yelling melded into a low drum. Something was really wrong. People had begun fighting, not in a friendly way either. Hawk skewered a demon with an arrow from his bow of light.

The demons were closing in. I tried to stand but was knocked back down by my own inability to judge where gravity was. The sky became the sand and the sand in turn became the sky. Something had fallen on top of me. Warmth flowed from his neck. It was a demon! I had to get it off of me. I looked up and light and dark were clashing. Three demons had surrounded Hawke. One lunged, but was immediately stopped by a wall of light. Or was it a dagger things were confusing. Another demon attempted to jump him from behind. Hawke became a blur and the demon was falling back with a waterfall spouting from it neck.

I tried to get up again. A voice full of care and speed told me to stay down. It didn’t matter I collapsed on the ground again. I had no weapon to battle the demons with anyway. Hawke felled two more of the creatures. More kept coming. Creatures came to help Hawke. They looked familiar yet they were green and had grotesque limbs that ended in long pointy fingernails. They engaged the oncoming demons. Something was not right within me I needed something to quell my stoma- I vomited all over the sand next to me.

The dizziness had subsided a little bit but the monsters and demons were still fighting. A third time I tried to stand. I heard something about a sorry then Hawke’s light turned towards me. His shield of light came towards me. Darkness engulfed me.

Chapter 4

The world was clear around me. The sun was up, but only just enough to have its brilliance staring straight into my face. I was suffering from an overwhelming headache.

“Are you ok?” Hawke said from behind me. Thank god, I thought he may have perished in the attack. “Hey Felless, are you ok? I had to knock you out so ya didn’t get yourself killed last night.”

Turning my head out of the glare of the sun I answered “Yeah, I’m doing all right. What happened last night?”

“We were attacked by a rival tribe. They have been trying to get at our leader for a while now. Claim he’s evil or some nonsense.”

“Great.”

“Hey, trust me our men are the best fighters in this part of the world.” Hawke pulled a stick out of his bag and began to fiddle with it. The stick looked treated and very old.

“What’s that?” I inquired.

“Memory of my past life. Long story, I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

“Fair enough. Where are we heading now?”

“To an old ruined city. Jehmundi, the leader of our tribe was able to interrogate one of our attackers. Apparently there is some sort of artifact in the underground chambers.”

“What? Like a magical artifact?” I couldn’t hold in my disbelief. Magic was just something that was told in stories to spice them up. Make people more legendary than they really were.

“You never heard of magic?”

“Yeah, but, it’s not real.”

“Are you sure? There are things in this world that are unexplainable. Things that should not be able to happen yet they have been witnessed by many. Take life for example. How do you create life?”

“What you mean like babies?”

“Well yes, that is one example.”

Feeling like being a smart boat I said “Hmm well it starts out with a mommy and daddy then they-“

“Yes that is how it starts, but how is it created. Why sometimes is life not given? How do YOU create life? How does it start?”

“I don’t know. It just does.”

“Like magic, it just does. Why would it be hard to believe that magic exists? If you can’t disprove it then there is a chance it is there.”

Under my breath too low for him to hear I muttered “magic is stupid.”

The conversation ended with that. Hawke disappeared somewhere again. For the next few hours we walked. The scenery never changed. Sand was once again my nemesis as my legs began to burn. It sapped the strength from me. The terrible heat did nothing to help. It continuously pounded and brought drought to my body as it drew the fluids from it.

Thankfully the water supply seemed to be endless. Every hour or two I would go to one of the distribution areas among the caravan and get my canteen filled up. A while later we stopped and made camp.

“Hey Felless! Come over here!” I heard Hawke yell from the far side of the camp. Making my way over I wondered what he wanted.

“Hey what do ya want?” I asked. The journey had worn me out and the sand, that devil sand had tired me profusely.

“Here.” He threw a scabbard at me. A good throw, practically landed itself in my hand. “Draw your weapon.” I pulled the sword out of its sheath. The sword was dazzling, high quality, fit for a prince. In fact it had at one point belonged to a prince. This weapon was the very weapon that had gotten me into this mess.

“Prepare yourself.” Hawke then smiled and ran towards me. In each hand there was a dagger where previously empty. His arms were crossed right over left. I thrust the sword straight forward catching both blades in the middle stopping the initial strike.

My legs almost gave out on me. Thankfully they did not because Hawke bounced backwards then lunged forward. He struck for my gut with his left hand. I parried the blow but something cold was at my throat. His other hand had evaded my detection and was now waiting to cut my jugular.

“You have to remember that both arms can have weapons on them.” He said as he backed away.

“Why does it matter if I know how to fight?” I had never had any formal training in my life, just some playful stuff with wooden swords when I was a kid.

“Because out here its kill or be killed, I would rather not have you die.”

“Touché, I would rather live as well.”

“Good, then your training starts now.” With that damned smile on his face he attacked me again.

Hours later and close to death from exhaustion I was finally able to retire. Sadly I still had to set up my tent. So tired, I couldn’t bring myself to set it up so I decided to lay down on the sand and within seconds I was in the world of my own mind.

Chapter 3 - The scene with the hallucinogen reminded me of a very old movie "Altered States" - a great movie, way ahead of its time! Great Write !!!

Chapter 4 - I have found nothing to critique! Your story is riveting, perfect amount of detail and description - I am loving this story !!! Great Write !!!

In chapter 4 my fave part was where they are discussing the creation of life - your imagination is extremely creative, and in that scene it stood out clearly as a shining example of that!!!

Thanks mal!


Chapter 5
The darkness felt him getting closer every day. The vessel was approaching its host. The darkness had been waiting for a worthy container for years. Once not too long ago one had been presented to it, however the darkness did not find it malleable enough for its needs.

It had been almost two centuries since the darkness had been able to see the world of men. They had all but forgotten about its rein and what it had brought to the world. It still had some power on the outside. Small deceits could be put into the base of a man’s mind and used to manipulate the situation towards its liking.

It had done that recently with the assassination of that snoody Tamultan prince. It hated what its great empire had become over the years. The darkness had created the super power of the Tamultan kingdom but with age it had become a weak state full of weak men.

It thought even farther back. Before the Tamultans were created it had made its greatest empire, through it the darkness had first ‘ascended’ to the entity it was now. Still residing in the ruins of that great civilizations capital, Rimdrole.

The darkness hungered to control a large civilization again. It wanted to be able to shape the lives of humans, to be feared and worshipped by the masses. Soon, soon I will be able to become a great Emperor again, the vessel nears everyday it thought to itself.

Chapter 6

The Aceluns had been camped outside of Tanon for a few days now. Since they had arrived the city had been under siege. The Aceluns had not bothered to bring any siege machines with them counting on the area to provide them with the raw materials. No one had bothered to tell them that for the last century Tanon had been using all of the forest around them for firewood, and other industrial needs. The forest had been cut back so far in the last hundred years that it had become cheaper to ship wood into the city than drag the remainders from the foot of the mountain range.

The walls that Tanon hid behind had not been breached since the cities inception some 200 years ago. They were very well maintained. From the outside the city looked like it could withstand four armies and still come out swinging. Unfortunately the defenders on the inside saw a much different picture. Food supplies had been dwindling rapidly, no ships had arrived for days because of the massive Acelun blockade. A lot of the wealthier population had fled to the kingdom proper in the first week after new broke that Mumbril had been taken.

The state of the trained troops was questionable as well. The militia still had a painful lack of archers in the ranks. The few they had were poor shots barely being able to hit the side of a three story building from any respectable range. As for ground troops they had numbers enough to match that of the invading army. They did not however have the equipment or training to put up much of a fight.

Marcus had changed greatly in the last month. He was in a smaller squad chosen because of the quickness that each individual had in learning the fighting profession. They were stationed among center defenses inside the city gate where fighting was expected to be the worst.

“They say the attack is gwonna be coming any day now.” A light hearted voice bubbled.

“They say that everyday Rat. Hell you say that everyday.” Marcus replied.

“One oh me boys on the wall say that they’ve begun to assemble some sort of siege weapon.”

“Yeah well good. I’m tired of sitting on my boat just waiting. They are slowly killing us in here. We can’t get outa the damned city anymore.”

“I jus cant wait teh bash their heads in an show um even us Tamultan commoners got some lion in us.”

“Well for me I just want this done with. I’m tired of army life. Its all waiting, and for what? Death? Great, that’s just the kind of early retirement I want.”

“C’mon, we’ll be running through the streets killing those murderin bastards. We’ll be the avatars of ol, running through the streets and dealing death. The enemy will fear us and the women will want us!”

“You’ve got yourself an overaggressive imagination there. Best thing that can come outa this for us is a quick death. Were here to hold the line at all cost. Yeah we might be some of the best fighters in Tanon which is like being a dwarf amongst midgets, but really, they got a whole army of trained men out there.”

“Ya know, sometimes jus lettin a man dream doesn’t hurt.”

“Yeah, your right. Reality is so overrated.”

A shout came from one of the sentries on the tower. “Their coming!” The desperation was already clear in his voice.

The ants began to get into position, from afar it looked like a drunken blind painter had tried to assemble the men. Only one gate guarded Tanon, there had been no need for more entrances. It made defending the city much easier but it also meant no escape. There would be victory or death and every single one of the militiamen knew it.

Nothing happened for the next hour. Silence had pervaded the entire city. Everyone was anticipating the break of the gate. Then all of a sudden the sun was gone. Arrows had blocked out the sky, death began raining down among the defenders. The lack of shields meant mass death and panic in the groups directly defending the gate. The first earth shattering boom sounded soon after. The large battering ram had been constructed out of the largest trees the Andrine Mts. Could provide. Every few minutes the Aceluns would pull it back then let go making the massive wooden war machine slam violently against the reinforced steel doors.

“Told ya they was coming today.” Rat said smugly.

“Oh, what a great thing to be right about!” Some of Rat’s enthusiasm vanished.

For the next few hours all the defenders could do was sit and hope an arrow didn’t pick them off. The constant booming of the battering ram did nothing to quell the tide of panic that had begun to wash over them. Rat and Marcus began to notice the gate giving ground to the horde outside. Crashing into the defensive structure a final time the gate buckled and fell to the ground hinges destroyed.

“Here they come!” Rat exclaimed happily. Only they didn’t come. The soldiers began to move the war machine out of the way. The few defending archers inside finally began to fight back against the attackers plucking some off but more often than not missing altogether. After the siege machine had been moved a wall of red and blue shields had been created in an instant. It began to march forward.

The first line of defenders rushed towards it and tried to halt the attack. They got to within three feet of the wall before it showed its teeth. Spears the length of a man jutted out and skewered the defenders. Soon the wall had made it to the first buildings. It moved through the first block with ease. A bell sounded from town square and before the it could retreat hot blackness was being poured all over them from the buildings that surrounded them. The archers had armed themselves with flame tipped arrows and let loose.

Instantly the wall disintegrated into a buzzing burning hive of dying insects. The screams that came from it turned into wails of despair and a sickening smell began to permeate the city.

“Smells like bacon” Rat mentioned even more excited. “Lets go kill us some piggy’s!” Marcus just about threw up.

The attackers had wasted no time in getting more troops into the city. Once the burning men realized that they could not retreat because their brothers in arms were clogging the only way out they began to rush the defenders.

“Here they come!” Marcus yelled. Rat managed to make a noise of delight or ecstasy Marcus couldn’t tell.

The few men of the initial attack came sprinting towards the defenses where Rat and Marcus were. Rat jumped out to the side of the barricade that blocked half the street surprising the aggressor. His war hammer went into a wide arc moving in quickly on the man. The enemy swiftly positioned his shield in a way to try and deflect the blow while simultaneously pulling his short sword out. Rat’s blow connected and a sickening thud sounded. He had put so much force into the blow that the bones in the Aceluns arm disintegrated. The man stumbled over hitting the side of the barricade knocking him out. Marcus quickly grabbed the mans sword which was of much higher quality that his own.

“Finish him quick!” Rat yelled as another soldier approached him.

Marcus began trembling. He had never taken a mans life. What if this man had a family he wanted to return to what if- “Finish him now! He whudda killed you if he had the chance!” Rat yelled. He had been taking on soldiers with ease, if not grace. The power he could put behind the blows was astonishing but the flood kept coming and Rat was beginning to slow down. “AARRG!” Rat yelled as one of the soldiers broke through his defenses and cut a gash into his side.

A flip switched in Marcus’s head. Seeing someone hurt his comrade he instantly stabbed the unconscious man in the heart.

Three Aceluns had engaged Rat. Marcus jumped into the fray flanking one of them and cutting him down. A few of the other men in the squad had been killed on the far side of the street. Reinforcements had begun to pour in on both sides. It became hard to distinguish who was a friend and who was trying to cut who to ribbons.

Marcus tried hard to keep his back to a building or barricade. No reason to get chopped up from behind. He could make out Rat in the middle of the fighting still swinging his hammer smashing friend or foe around him. Three attacks were suddenly on Marcus, he had picked up a shield from one of the attackers and was making good use of it but he had neither the skill nor the strength to take them all on.

“Rat!” he yelled, his voice beginning to get horse. “HELP!”
He thought he heard a chuckle. The three attackers began to move in synchronization coming in from different angles at different heights. Two were blocked by shield and sword but the third was blocked by arm and bone. Blood began to flow freely from the top of Marcus’s arm. Pain coursed through it. The three seeing the opening began to attack again. Suddenly a blur came from behind them and turned one to paste against the barricade. The other two began to turn and Marcus used the opportunity to stab the middle one in the back. The last suffered a similar fate as the first.

“Hey there buddy! Lets get ya outa here, you don’t look so hot.” Marcus looked at Rat in disbelief. Rat was covered in blood. There were cuts all over him and what looked like a purple mushroom on the side of his arm.

“Thanks, but you don’t look too good either.”

The duo fought their way back to the defensive lines. Just as Rat and Marcus got through Rat collapsed on the ground. They were done fighting, at least for today. Marcus helped carry Rat back to the triage area. It took about five men to move him.

***

The Acelun commander Capt. Gregory Steiner was distressed by the progress of the attack, mostly by the failed push up the main street of Tanon. He was getting reports of a demon that had felled thirty shock troopers by himself. He had few of those in reserve. Most of the soldiers he had brought from Altrun (the Acelun capitol) had been draftees forced into the military after Brookensdale had been captured by the Tamultans.

Few of his troops were military grade and it was showing. The Tanon militia had been able to stop the attack at all of the major barricades except one. Unfortunately that one barricade was still blazing away from a grease fire.

The consequences of failing to capture Tanon were huge. The blockade wouldn’t be able to keep Tamultan ships from Tanon, they were needed elsewhere. If Tanon were to remain in the defenders hands not only would a needed supply of resources be flowing from the city it could be used as a critical staging area for southern Acelun territories.

“Geoffrey, I have an Idea.” Steiner said.

“Sir?”

“How many shock troopers do you have in reserve?”

“Twenty sir, not enough to break through anywhere along the line. Especially if the rumors of the demon man are even remotely true.”

“I know, I want them to go down to the beach and meet up with some of our ships. From there they will spearhead an amphibious assault on the rear of the city. I want three thousand of our reserves landing behind them.”

“Sir! With all due respect, modern tactics say an amphibious assault especially against cities is to invite disaster.”

“When have you ever personally heard of it failing?”

“Never sir, but that’s because no one has been addled enough to try it.”

“I appreciate you honesty Geoffrey but this will work. At dawn tomorrow I will order all of the troops not in the amphibious attack to assault the cities frontal defenses. It will be ours by ours by night.”

“I hope your right sir, because if your wrong not only will it be political suicide we may end up much closer to the fighting than warranted.”

Chapter 5: I felt like these two paragraphs were hugely powerful, ominous!




Chapter 6: Your dialogue continues to be excellent. The back and forth between Rat and Marcus is a huge example of your ability to write natural dialogues. Excellent chapter !!

Marcus's hesitation to kill was so well written!

Thanks Mal!

Chapter 7

“Oh balls that burns!” Marcus yelled at one of the ‘healers’ trying to treat his wounds. The healer was attempting to disinfect the wound by cauterizing it with a hot metal spit. At first the cut had just been bound in bandages but infection was something that could not be risked in a siege. Yells and groans of pain would come from others with ‘minor’ wounds. Rat had numerous cuts and gashes in his body. It was a miracle that the man had lived through the ordeal. He had been so tired that the disinfecting didn’t even wake him. Marcus thought the man was in a coma.

The smell of burned skin and death had found its way into every nook and cranny of the city. Neither side had attempted to remove the dead from the streets after the clash. The defenders held till nightfall when the Aceluns had pulled their troops back. The Tanonites had taken huge losses however and would have been overrun had it not been for the cramped streets and narrow entrance to the city.

“How much more do ya gotta poke me doc?” Marcus asked the old graying army vet that was treating him.

“You’re almost done there kiddo.” He replied and then went on to say. “Since there are no stiches you should be good to get right back out on the frontline tomorrow.”

“Just what I want, another opportunity to see you.”

“Hah, well maybe you wont have to ‘see’ me again!” Silence hung in the air. “You know, because you’ll be dead.”

“Yeah, thanks doc, just full of inspiration aren’t ya.”

“Get your boat outa here and hopefully we won’t see each other again.”

Marcus’ dislike for physicians was nothing new. There was just something about them, like nothing was too personal, especially death. That group of individuals just really got to him, they had a gift to press his buttons.
He went to go check on Rat. The man had saved not only his life but singlehandedly halted the Acelun attack. He had become a champion, quick.

Marcus approached the area of the triage that Rat was currently resting in. “Hey there buddy, how ya feeling?”

Rat turned towards Marcus, large permanent scars already prominent on his tortured body. His eyes however danced with life as he said “Avatars, we was avatars jus like I told ya!”

“Yeah, well at least you were.”

“Aw don be so bashful! I saw yeh out there slashing away wit that pilfered sword of yours. Ya did jus fine!” Rat let out a chuckle but immediately grimaced. He had sustained significant abdominal damage during the fighting. Rat closed his eyes and said “Hey, I am gonna take a nap. Ill see you for the next fight tho-“ Unable to finish his sentence he fell asleep.

Marcus left the room and headed towards the barracks. His stomach groaned. All of the excitement of the day had begun to wear off and normal habits began to take hold. The mess hall was much less crowded than he had ever seen it. Grabbing his rations from the server he headed towards a remnant of his squad.

“Hey guys.” He said as he sat down.

“Hey Marc” a medium sized man with short curly blonde hair, who was unsurprisingly nicknamed Curly, said to the right of him. The rest mumbled the same basic message.

“Can you guys believe what Rat did to those bastards out there?” Another at the table added. A long line of burned flesh snaked down one of his arms. The group called him Bigs. He lived up to the name, the man was huge. Not as big as Rat but more imposing like he would rip you to shreds if you looked at him wrong.

Red stated “Even the hard boat professional soldiers were impressed with that madman.” The group had nicknamed him Red after a sexual escapade had gone very unexpectedly in one of the brothels.

“Yeah, if it hadn’t been for him I woulda been one of those bodies out there right now.” Marcus said.

“Hey if it weren’t for that crazy honoured user a lot of us would’ve been dead. Near the end, Aceluns began just to stay the hell away from him.” Bigs reasoned.

Marcus looked up from his meal “He had said he wanted to be an avatar of death out there. Didn’t know he would actually become one.”

The next few hours went by without much excitement. Rat continued to rest while Marcus the squad and a very large majority of the militia continued to praise him. Marcus finally got up and left for bed. His head rested on the pillow for less than a minute before he joined his comrade Rat in blissfully unaware sleep.

* * *


“Hey, ya think we’d end up in this mess when we were kids?” The resonating bass came from Bigs.

“Not even the slightest.” Curley replied.

“umbrella seller of a world we live in now.”

“Yup.”

The two had left the barracks to get some air. Out of the ten original members in their squad they had been the only ones that had known each other before the war broke out. The two were silently walking down the pier.

“Wish our boat boys could get here and clear this damned blockade.” Curley said.

“Wishing ain’t going to accomplish nothing Curley. You heard the rumors that every barricade including ours took heavy losses. Our squad alone got halved by that attack. Them Aceluns are tricky bastards too. You hear about that fight a while back where they took the last free city on the south side of Indelvar?”

“Yeah, the one where they had put most of their army at the backdoor.”

“That’s the one, the poor bastards moved all the defenses to the larger attacking force while they slipped a few of their shocker troops in the front door. Then those shock troopers held their ground till the rest of the army pulled in and wham they got themselves a bran-spankin new city.”

“So what do ya think they are gonna try on us. We only have one door, and they already busted it.”

“Dunno, but I bet they have something up their sleeve.”

“Hey look at that” Curley’s finger shot in the direction of the armada. “Looks like they are pulling anchor.”

“Maybe our boats are doing some damage to them somewhere and they gotta go stop it. That would be nice, but I’m bettin its monkey business.”

A scout sprinted by the pair heading for the command center. “Musta noticed what we noticed.” Curley said.
“Yeah, nothing we can do about those damn boats though. They decide to leave great, if not then we’ll just have to destroy their army.” Or they destroy ours he thought to himself.

Curley stopped walked and got really depressed. “One way or another this will be over soon. Not enough food up here for one army, let alone two.”

The pair continued their walk in silence.

‘DING DONG’ a bell boomed out from town square. Marcus jumped strait out of bed a cold sweat on his face. His short blonde hair glistened in the morning sun. “Up and at up boys, we’ve got ourselves some Aceluns to kill today!”

Putting the pillow over his face Marcus said “Jus five more minutes mom.” Which conjured a much-needed laugh from the other men in the room.

The covers flew off and the Sergeant picked him off the mattress. “You kill me thirty Aceluns today and you get tomorrow off. Hell you do that you get the rest of the war off!”

Knowing that killing thirty men was easier than arguing with the sergeant Marcus got out of bed and began to dress for another day of war. Going down to the armory he found that some armor had been added into his cubbyhole. Pulling it out he recognized where the militia had gotten the ‘new’ armor. It was the leftovers from the leading contingent of Aceluns.

Pulling the leather straps tight against his body he muttered “Sorry bud, but better me than you”. The equipment didn’t fit perfectly. The original owner was a bit taller and bulkier but the hardened leather would protect him much better than what he had been wearing.

Leaving the compound Marcus noticed the pungent odor of death. The day was already getting warm and the humidity wasn’t helping in the least. He headed towards the triage camp to check on Rat. “Hey there big gu-“ He started to say as he pulled the door open to Rat’s room finding no one inside. “Wha?” He said to himself. There was no way Rat could be out and about after all the hits he had taken yesterday.

The doctor came around the corner and saw Marcus standing in the doorway. “I see that you came back. I had no clue you took such a fancy to me?”

Marcus turned around and stated flatly “Oh well I guess you didn’t know this but I like my wine aged.”
“You do have a quick mouth don’t ya boy.” A smirk emerged on the wrinkled mans old face. “You’re lookin for your pall Rataghuw?”

“He didn’t uh-“

“Croak? Oh no no no, he heard the bell and simply got up. Headed towards the armory.”

Marcus looked surprised and angry. “You didn’t stop him!?”

“Yeah what’s an old fart like me gonna do against that monster? Look kid, I’ve been in the army longer than you’ve been alive. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you don’t go try an stop someone that’s much bigger and stronger than you from killing your enemy. It’s just counter productive.”

“Thanks for that wisdom doc, once again such an enlightened conversation.” With that Marcus went towards his assigned area.

As he walked up the street the stench got worse and worse. The bodies of those that had not burned smelled terrible and were leaking fluids onto the ground making a viscous sludge.

Marcus saw a blonde head with tight curly hair bobbing on the far side of the barricade.“Holy compassion Rat! Look what ya did to this honoured user!”

“That bugger made POP when he hit!”

Marcus moved around the structure and saw what Curley and Rat were discussing. When Rat had saved Marcus the previous day the big man had smashed one Acelun into the barricade. They were simply looking at his remains. There was really very little to see, the man had become a splatter on the wall, his chest caved in and ribs breaking through flesh. A small amount of blood and other bodily fluids had continued to drip from his openings.

Marcus shook his head. “You sure your up to fighting Rat?”

The big man made his way towards Marcus with a surprising amount of grace. “Yeah, course I am. I think… I think I love war!”

“Well that seems enthusiastic enough.” Marcus made his way back to the defenders side of the barricade. “You guys think we can hold them for another day?”

Red piped in “Yeah, if what Curley and Bigs saw last night turns out to be tru-“ he had miss-stepped and fell on a corpse. “compassion! This is nasty!” He said wiping away some fluid from his face.

Rat and Marcus began to laugh at the mans misfortune. “Heh but in all seriousness what did ya see last night?”

The familiar baritone of Bigs came from behind. “The Acelun ships headed south. Dunno how far but I’d say that our navy is hurtin um somewhere.”

Marcus began to ponder that. “Why would they leave without full control of the city? They have no guarantee of victory.”

“Maybe it’s a trap for our- phyuk.” Red started as he blew some liquid out of his mouth. “For our ships?”

“No, it’s too easy to spot ships in this weather. Our ships could outmaneuver them bringing in supplies and reinforcements.”

“We don’t even know if we have any ships or a country left. We’ve been cut out of the big picture for too long. For all we know the war is over and we’ve already lost.”

Rat interjected with some of his wisdom “Yeh an we can keep fightin these bastards till we’ve got ourselves a country!”

“Really? Do you understand what reality is? Because if you do you should really make an attempt at returning to it.” Marcus said.

“Hey destiny ain’t fair. Mine will be that o’a hero not a dead soldier. Not you or a whole army’s gonna get in my way to make that hap-“

“THEY’RE COMIN!” Curley yelled.

The Acelun troops began pouring into the city. They began to form up inside of the gate where bodies had been cleared. Suddenly a horn made a call from somewhere outside of the city and the Acelun army marched forward. Within minutes the first elements had begun to reach the dead bodies. The look of disgust was apparent from the defenders even from that distance. The Tamultan archers let loose. A pitiful patter of arrows headed towards the horde moving up. A few were hit and joined their comrades on the cobbled streets.

The men kept marching towards the defenses. “Disciplined bastards these.” Bigs said as he readied the spear he had pilfered the previous day.

Rat grunted something about them being only half a man.

The leading elements were about a block out when they began sprinting towards the defenders.
“Brace yourself!” Red said.

Marcus looked quickly at Red, gave him a ‘well no duh’ look, and focused on the incoming enemies.
The first attackers were within feet when Bigs lunged forward with the spear skewering two of them the force knocking him on his butt. Marcus, Red, and Curley jumped in trying to keep the invaders away from Bigs. Marcus couldn’t keep track of all the weapons moving and a few had slipped through his defenses smacking against his body. None of the blows did any serious damage, the armor he had on was of high quality.

“Now!” Bigs said. Immediately the squad pulled back. The enemies were momentarily stunned at such a quick withdrawal. It was their death. Rat jumped down from the barricade swinging. The first of which took out three men. Bigs immediately jumped back into the fray doing precision stabs around Rat.

Marcus started running forward and yelled “PUSH!” and the militia did exactly that pushing the Aceluns back. Suddenly they were in full retreat pulling back to the gate.

Red bobbed out of a knot of militiamen on the far side of the street “We did it! We pushed them back!”
“I can’t believe that worked.” Marcus said disbelief spread across his face.

Rat looked around frantically “Not enough of em.”

Marcus looked at Rat questioningly. Really he wasn’t satisfied with a win? He had to kill even more?

Bigs piped in “No, Rat your right there’s not enough of them. Less than half our number was in that attack.”
Red had found his way back to the squad. “Ya kiddin me? We killed um! Chickens!”

“They aren’t pullin out of the city though.” Curley said. “They are just regrouping.”

A man came running from the west side of the city, where the docks were. “THEIR BEHIND US!”

Your descriptions are great! I'll use this as an example, but there were many others that were just as good:

Chapter 8

“Hey Hawke, we almost there?” I asked.

“Were actually there now.”

The area around us was no different from the last few hundred miles. A bit frustrated, I stated “No were not, there is nothing here.”

“Stop asking and just keep walking.”

“We’ve been traveling for days. Why are we in such a hurry to get there?”

“Jehmundi is trying to arrive before the other clans can stop him. He believes something is there that will give us the upper hand.”

“Upper hand in what?”

“It doesn’t concern you.”

Oh yeah right it doesn’t. If there is a war going on I want out at the first stop. I didn’t tell him that. He would probable just laugh and find a way to make fun of me. Some of the forward scouts began yelling about something.

Hawke listened to their yells intently then quickly flicked his head my way and with a grin on his face said “Sounds like we’ve arrived. C’mon lets go have a look!” He immediately increased his pace. The land had hardened up considerably in the last mile making it a lot easier for me to keep pace.

Cresting the hill the whole ruin came into view. The sun had begun to set leaving an angry reddish tint on the horizon bathing the place in healthy shadows. The ruins themselves were situated in a crater. Most of the buildings were just piles of rubble flattened from age and decay, but there were a few still standing fighting time. We began to descend into the city. All of the streets had a downward slant to them that sloped towards the center of the crater.

Turning towards Hawke I said “This is pretty creepy.”

“Yeah, not much is known about these ruins. They have been around for so long there is no history. Some people say that a hole between us and the underworld was formed at the center and began pulling the city in. Others believe that some magical weapon was used to stop a great war. The idea that most people these days believe though is that it’s just a massive sink hole.”

A sink hole, it was too perfect for a sink hole to outline an entire city. “What do you think did it?” I asked him.
“I think a bunch of gnomes dug out the city from the bottom because they were fed up that the theater didn’t make more plays about their kind.”

“Wha-“ I stopped myself. It just sounded too farfetched. There is no way he could believe that. “Do you really believe that?”

He smiled then said “Why does it matter what I believe. There is no proven or accurate history of the incident. There are no facts about this place at all.”

“Fair enough.” We kept walking towards the center of the ruins. The place was huge. I had believed Tanon to be one of the largest cities in the world but this place could have fit eight or nine Tanons inside the perimeter and still have room for more. How it could have sustained a population out here without a large source of water or farmland was beyond me.

The sun had descended by the time we had arrived at the center or at least what seemed to be the center. Everyone had begun to set up camp. “Fellessen you luck out tonight. I don’t think I’ll have time for our regular training session. Jehmundi will most likely need me to help search for what he’s looking for. So unpack and enjoy the night, just don’t guzzle the khundi juice again.”

I yelled “That was your fault!” but he was already out of earshot or just ignoring me. I began to set up camp. Once that was done I promptly laid down and after weeks of intense training and never ending walking. Sleep came fast.



“-ake up.” Darkness was all around me. Hawke was jostling me awake.

Groggily I said “I thought you said I wasn’t going to have to train tonight?”

“It’s not training. Jehmundi wants to see you, something’s changed.”

My brain was still fuzzy and was having a hard time processing the information. “What? Why does he want to see me? I look the same as always.”

“Not like that. Just follow me, and put your pants on.”

Heat went into my face. I had forgotten that I took my pants off before I had gone to sleep. Hurriedly I pulled them up to my waist and tied the straps together that held them up and sped after Hawke.

When we arrived Jehmundi began talking to Hawke excitedly but Hawke did not seem nearly as excited. Hawke’s face went from shock to anger to sadness to acceptance in the course of the conversation. The little of the language I knew was not enough for me to understand even a tenth of what the two were discussing.
“Go with Jehmundi, do as he says. Trust your training and you will make it out of this. See you soon.”Hawke looked over at Jehmundi nodded and walked away.

I watched as Hawke disappeared around a tent. Jehmundi grabbed my arm and yanked me in the direction I was supposed to go. What was going on? He began talking to me. I tried to respond. His face whipped around towards mine. A look of disgust was plastered on his face, then a look of understanding, and he immededitately broke out in laughter. I must have botched that translation.

The laughing stopped. His hand flung out and grabbed my arm and began to pull. I followed. He let go knowing that I would continue to follow him. He seemed like he knew where he was headed. Had he found an ancient magical artifact after all? Guess I would have to wait and find out. The structures around us were becoming more coherent, becoming less a pile of ruble and more that of a quiet deserted city.

“Oomph” I hit a wall. No, just Jehmundi, the man had stopped so suddenly. He muttered something pulling out a stone in one wall in front of us. A low gruble then a creak, a whole section of the wall moved. The passage that was uncovered was dark. Really dark, there was no way I was going to go in there.

Jehmundi turned around, looked me hard in the eyes then motioned towards the opening. Oh great, I was going first down stairs into god knows what, for god knows why. My feet began to move towards the opening. Soon I had taken a few steps and could see nothing. Jehmundi was behind me somewhere. I moved my hand close to my face and squinted trying to make out any detail. Nothing. Putting my left hand forward and the right one against the wall I resumed the descent.

How deep could this thing go? How long had it taken to dig this place out? My mind kept putting relevant thoughts along those lines out. Just walking gets so boring. “Ouch” My right hand had gotten pricked on the wall. Returning the hand tentatively I made a discovery that the wall was no longer stone. It was metal with what felt like a hell of a lot of sharply cut designs. The floor flattened out. Must be near the end hopefully. I noticed a large curve outward in the wall. This had to be an atrium of sorts. I reached out as far a possible with my left hand and touched nothing. Wherever I was now it was a lot bigger than the passageway I had just taken.

I heard Jehmundi’s footsteps behind me. A constant metal on metal ping for every footfall getting louder the closer he came. The pinging footsteps passed me and walked on for a bit, then complete and utter silence. What was going on? Surely Jehmundi had something to illuminate this room. Still nothing. I wanted to shout, make some sort of noise. It was caught in my throat and was quenched by something else in me.

Wind began to assault my left side. Wind? How? It got faster and faster making the loudest noise in the world. Something else joined in with the winds howl. Jemundi! He was chanting something. The force of the wind nocked me to the ground and its speed was still accelerating. My knees against the floor I tried standing up. The attempt was futile. Suddenly something grabbed my ankle and yanked me away from the wall. Every inch I was pulled the wind went down. Finally the thing had let go and only a slight breeze remained. I got to my feet and something collided with my face. Blood began pouring down my face.

My veins began to pump blood. Adrenaline raced through me. “WHY!” I yelled. Frustration over everything in my life bubbling to the surface. I felt a portion of something forced itself into me body.

“Because this is your destiny.”

“What? You can’t speak my language!”

“You are not speaking that language.”

What was happening? How could I understand him much less know their language. I had learned a few words and phrases from Hawke but he had given up soon after trying to teach me. “Wha, what is happening?” I stammered.

Calmly and evenly Jehmundi stated “The re-birth of the crystal walkers.”

“Why am I needed, and what the hell are the crystal walkers?”

“You are the sacrifice that has been prepared.”

“To hell with you!” Confusion finding the adrenaline coursing through my body lit into anger, like an ocean of kerosene and a match becoming a massive fire. “NO!” More of the essence from earlier flowed into my body and a tingling began to manifest itself inside.

“How do you plan on stopping it?”

“I’m going to kill you!” I felt strong now.

“Come and give it a try.”

Pulling out my sword I did. The voice had come from my left. Muscles tensing and a sudden release went into putting the sword through Jehmundi. Anticipation for the hit came and went. There was nothing there. My futile attack spun me out of control. The cold metal of the floor pressed against my back. My hand burst with pain and just like that the sword was gone. This was it, I was dead.

Jehmundi didn’t finish me immediately. Could he see me? “You westerners think everything is won by strength and power. Bigger equates to better.” He said with a sneer.

“Finish me then!” I yelled. No intention of letting him kill me I rolled away from where I fell moving closer to the wind. A low flicker emanated from the center of the atrium. It grew steadily until it was bright as day.
Jehmundi looked straight at me, his whole body glowing red, and said, “As you wish.” Quick as light he pulled two scimitars from their sheaths and charged. I jumped low into a dive and caught his feet in my arms pulling him to the ground. I scuttled away before he could get the scimitars into my flesh. Picking up my dropped sword and whipping my body around I just barely dodged a slash. Constantly parrying I was on the defensive. He fought like Hawke and I had not beaten Hawke once in training.

The wind was right behind me. One or two more steps and I would lose all footing. Three more strikes came in for varying angles and I blocked the but was forced another step back. He was purposely trying to put me in the tornado. ‘Let me help you.’

Why was Jehmundi offering help. “What?” I asked him.

“I sai- -othin-.” The noise of the wind had distorted his voice and followed up with another fevered attack. I sprang forward to the right trying to get some distance from the angry windstorm. “Ther- -s no esc-!” Jehmundi yelled towards me. He was already pushing me back, the few feet that were gained vanished quickly.

‘There is only one way out this. Let me help you!’ The voice was coming from inside my head! I had gone insane. That was the only answer. Well mine as well see if the ‘other me’ could help me.

A sudden sharp pain made itself known from my shoulder. In the seconds of self-contemplation my guard had gone down enough and now I was paying the price. ‘Do it!’

I couldn’t move my arms, my legs, nothing was responding to my commands. My eyes looked straight at Jehmundi but I had not directed them there. His attacks became more ferocious than before. My hands leapt forward with lightning fast precision that I had never before been able to attain. A quick kick went into Jehmundi’s gut, he crumpled. My foot had again gone out and hit him in his stomach.

I held my breath almost through this whole chapter! Awesome suspense!

My fave paragraphs had to be these two: