Just giving this writing thing a try, anybody who reads, tell me what you think!
Nell

Chapter One-Part One
In which a Dunmer girl awakes in a cell, and is very confused.

I awoke with a splitting headache. I was cold, lying on a hard bench, in a dank room. I did not stir, experience told me it was wiser to stay still. I lay, shivering now and then, for a while. Minutes passed, then a question floated by in my head. Who was I? I pondered this lazily, and then shock hit me. I had no idea. The questions now came hard and fast: What was I? Where was I? Was this a prison? Am I a criminal?

I shifted my head the slightest bit, and looked at my arm lying on the bench. It was a dark blue, pale as the skin went higher. My hand was small and limp, and an iron shackle encircled my wrist. I felt a bolt of fear, of vulnerability. I was defenseless, and alone. I was unnamed.

For hours I kept my eyes shut, not moving, numb to all but my headache and the pressing loneliness. Several times I drifted off into oblivion, only to hear some phantom noise and start awake. Finally I felt enough was enough. I sat up, wincing as the world spun around me, and waited until the dizziness and pain in my head quieted to a dull growl.

As I peered around my cell- for what else could it be? - I heard a crooning voice.

“I must surely be dead, and in the halls of Azura to look upon such a vision. You are so beautiful, my dear Dunmer maiden...”

I craned my head, trying to make out the voices carrier. The speaker seemed to be like me, a- what had the person said? A Dunmer…- with skin much darker and greyer then mine. The figure was unmistakably male.

The Dunmer continued speaking, and I shuddered as I heard his words.

“ One of the guards owes me a favor, you know. I could get us put in the same cell. Would you like that? You should have some fun before the end. “

What end was he speaking of? Would the authorities of this place kill me for a crime that I could not remember committing?

The Dunmer’s voice grew louder and shriller, echoing in my aching head.

“Yeah, you heard me. No matter what the law says. No matter what they told you. You're going to die in here! You're going to die!”

I shivered again, and pressed myself against the wall, trying to get out of the madman’s sight. I realized that no guard lingered below to keep the prisoners in their cells, that if this Dunmer wished to do so, he could croon these foul things at me all night. My horrible predicament just became worse.

In that moment, I heard a clang of metal, and creaking. Was someone coming? Torchlight flickered against the walls and shadows rose up. Shadows of men.

The Dunmer across from me cackled, muttering something about how I would die now. As the people came into view, four of them, one thrust his elbow into the Dunmer’s cell and hit him squarely in the face.

“Shut up Dreth,” he muttered. “This will be hard enough without your insanity.”

I moved in front of the door, hoping to plead my case, and perhaps they would let me go. Instead, all four stopped the door of my cell, and one man took out keys. I realized that one of the people was a woman, in armor and with a helm on her head when she shouted; “What is this prisoner doing here? This cell was supposed to be off limits!”

One of the men, also in armor, stammered, trying to explain to the woman; “the usual mix-up at the Watch, I-I-I,”

The woman sighed, and said wearily “Excuses Glenroy, more excuses”
She looked like she wanted to say more, but thought better of it.

“Prisoner, stand over by the window!” the guard who it seemed was named Glenroy barked.

The guards didn’t seem to notice that I was barely capable of standing, let alone attack them, but I backed away, and fell on the cold stone bench with a thump.

The man who had elbowed Dreth gave me a strange look, one made of pity and curiosity, but it only lasted for a moment, then he looked away. The woman unlocked the cell door, and stepped forward. It was then that I noticed the fourth person, an old man, wearing a fine robe and a strange red jewel around his neck.

As the guards moved towards the right wall of the cell, the old man peered at me, head cocked at an angle as if he couldn’t see very well.

“You…” he breathed, “I’ve seen you, in my dreams.”

I looked at him in simple surprise, then asked in a small voice, “Do you know who I am?”

This is lovely! Some of my favorite elements are present: The game Oblivion and a first person POV.

Your writing is very nice - a pleasure to read and well-crafted.

Your character is off to good start. We know enough of her to already like her and be interested in her plight, yet you have wisely avoided a first chapter data dump. You are also not rushing through things - another wise choice.

Welcome to the Arena! You are off to a great start.

A first reply from Acadian! It's like an initiation, as far as I can tell. Thank you for the input, hopefully the next part will be up...tomorrow? Well, sometime anyway.
Nell

This is a really great beginning! Smooth, detailed, great descriptions and inner dialogue, no info-dumping yet we know she is a Dunmer female - my favorite line is this:




- that vulnerability instantly draws the reader in. I like it a lot, and look forward to MORE !!!

As the Acadian Giant (oh wait, he's not the wrestler, but the paladin) said, nicely written. No huge infodump in the first segment, a character who is easy to identify with thanks to you showing us her vulnerability and uncertainty. Nothing is more boring than an uber-god Marty Stu/Mary Sue.

I wonder who that old man could be Seriously though, a character with no memory of their past is an interesting twist on this old tale. She could be anything, just some luckless schmoe who got tossed in the wrong cell, or even a ringer put in play by Akatosh himself.

Several times I drifted off into oblivion
But thankfully not to Oblivion, else she would really be in trouble! Sorry, I could not help but see the humor, given the nature of the ES universe.

one thrust his elbow into the Dunmer’s cell and hit him squarely in the face.
Yay! I actually almost cheered when I read this!

Are you interested in critiques/hearing nits? Not all people are (which is no problem), hence I ask first. I did see a few grammatical errors.

Oh, and take your time posting. There is no hurry. It can take people a while to catch up and keep caught up on all the stories around here (In fact, some of us just do not have time to read them all period). Most of us fall into a schedule of posting every other day, if not in longer intervals.

It’s good to see you throwing your quill into the arena, Linara. Maya (I presume it is Maya laying in the cell) is off to a good start. Amnesia is a new one in terms of story starters for an ES based tale. It is a nice way to immediately engage reader empathy while maintaining a sense of mystery about the character. And I think that Baurus' elbow spoke for us all!

I’ll have some more, please.

This is a wonderful introduction to a new character. She asks the questions an amnesiac would ask, but she also is aware of some things- which lead to more questions....

Hooray for Baurus giving Valen Dreth a well-deserved elbow.

Do not rush to post- give your audience time to read and ponder and reply.

I am thrilled to see this addition to the fan-fiction section.

All:Thank you for the welcome and your kind words! They are a great encouragement, and I hope people will continue commenting as the story progresses. I am very happy to hear nits, they are part of writing a story, not to mention helpful. I'm glad to hear Maya already has readers, she will need bravery ahead and this helps her. Baurus's elbow was an offhand addition, but I realize now that Dreth is definitely the best person to receive it. Rest assured that this won't be the last time that Baurus elbows someone. And now for part two:

Chapter One: Part Two
In which a girl listens and learns

The old man smiled a gentle, knowing smile, and looked as though he would say something, but the female guard interrupted.

“Sire, we must leave quickly, the assassins are on their way.”

The old man turned towards her and said quietly, “Patience Captain. She is confused, and has much to learn.”

He faced me again, and sighed. “I fear she is right though. We must move on, but I will tell you as much as I can.”

The woman pushed a brick in the wall, and a section of it shifted, and slid into itself, and I saw that there was now an escape route from the cell, a way out. Would the guards let me follow them?

I stood up, a bit shakily. One of the guards, the one called Glenroy, unsheathed his blade, and pointed it at me. The old man, whom I was beginning to think, was a king, or a prince, sighed once again.

“Glenroy, you and the Captain will lead into the sewers, I will follow with her, and Baurus will close. Please do not threaten her, she can barely stand.“

Without a word, Glenroy and the Captain headed into the darkness, and the old man- Emperor? I wondered- helped me walk over, while the last man, Baurus, followed close behind us.

We went several steps, and I soon realized that without shoes I could go little further. The old man, turned to me when I stumbled, and said “I have seen you in my dreams, several times. You will help me, before the end.”

We started walking again -limping, in my case- and I puzzled over his words. What could I help him with? I was just a…well I probably couldn’t help him. Maybe he was mistaken.

“Who are you?” I asked. My voice shook a bit, and my feet slipped on the damp stone floor. Baurus put a steadying hand on my back, and said in a slightly suspicious voice:

“He is the Emperor of all Tamriel, Uriel Septim the seventh.”

That I should bow was implied in his tone, and I began to lower my head in a curtsy, when the Emperor shook his head.

“Child, there is no need. Under normal circumstances, perhaps, but these are most abnormal indeed. Baurus is correct; I am the Emperor, for a short while longer. You are the messenger, and you can help me.”

My head began to spin again, and the words jumbled inside me. Messenger? Help him? I couldn’t I didn’t know how, I was only a prisoner. A groan escaped me, and the Emperor looked at me with compassion.

“It’s just a little bit longer, then things will begin to straighten themselves out. All will be explained.”

“But I-I,” I whimpered, holding back tears, “I don’t know how to help! And my feet, my head, it just hurts so much…”

With this, the whole group stopped. The Emperor stood straighter, and picked at the red jewel on his neck. In the dim light it looked like a huge drop of blood, poised to fall.

“This,” he said, hand on the jewel, “is the Amulet of Kings. It can only be worn by one with dragon blood flowing in their veins. The Septims have this blood. I have it. My sons, they too had it. But they are dead, and I am not long for this world. With no Emperor, the gates of Oblivion will be opened and Daedra will overrun Cyrodiil. You have been brought here, to take the Amulet to Jauffre, an old friend of mine. He will know what to do with it.”

For once someone else had a question, and it was Glenroy. ”But Majesty,” he said alarmed, “you will make it out of here alive won’t you?”

The Emperor smiled gently, and said, “I think you know the answer to that Glenroy. Everyone must die, even kings and kingmakers.”

I realized that I had been staring at him the whole time, and got my head straight. I was still confused, and lost. I still had no name. But I knew what to do now. I had a purpose. Things were becoming clearer.

And then the first assassin attacked.

This continues to be a pleasure to read. Your character is developing a personality and things are proceding at a beautiful pace - I love that you aren't rushing!

Uh oh. Sounds like a fight coming. Gulp!

Nit? This is merely a tiny formatting thing. I suspect you intended for there to be a space between these two lines.

Great Write! More !!!

The Woman With No Name returns! (she needs to get a poncho, hat, and cheroot soon. Not to mention start squinting and talking in a raspy voice... ) Seriously though, it is great fun to see Maya again. Poor, barefoot girl that she is. That was a nice observation about her lack of footwear, and her trouble walking.

In the dim light it looked like a huge drop of blood, poised to fall.
This was a wonderful description!

nits:
I stood up, a bit shakily, and one of the guards, the one called Glenroy, unsheathed his blade, and pointed it at me.
You have a lot of commas here for one sentence. I think you can remove some with no problem, as well as break it up into multiple sentences. Like so:
I stood up a bit shakily. One of the guards, the one called Glenroy, unsheathed his blade and pointed it at me.

The old man, whom I was beginning to think, was a king, or a prince, sighed once again.
Same thing here. For example:
The old man, whom I was beginning to think was a king or a prince, sighed once again.

There are several more instances of the same thing.


For once someone else had a question, and it was Glenroy.” But Majesty,”
It looks like Glenroy likes your opening quotation mark a bit too much, as he has grabbed it and hugged it to him. The space ought to be before it rather than after.

This continues to impress. The changes you have made to the dialogue and the order of things make sense for Maya’s circumstances. What the reader comes away with- at least this reader- is a gentle sense of compassion in the midst of world-shattering events.

Even with the shadow of death hanging over him, your version of Uriel VII is still capable of compassion for another. That makes him an Emperor well worth following, and gives Maya all the reason she needs to serve as his messenger.

It may be too early in the story to raise this concern, but if I were to caution you about anything it would be to make sure that you give Maya some strength to go along with her weakness. Given her condition, I’m having a little trouble believing her capable of carrying any message, much less one from the soon-to-be-dead Emperor.

Acadian: Thank you for catching the nit, and for continuing to read.

SubRosa: Thanks for catching those, think I got them all. My English teacher is always talking about my run on sentences, I really should be more careful. I've always thought about why the prison would pass out shoes, since the prisoners are there to stay in their cells, so Maya missed the shoe give out when she arrived, unfortunately for her.

mALX: Glad you think so! Thank you for reading!

Treydog: I'm happy that my main point, for Maya at least, is that she is just amazed that anyone is being kind to her at all. She is adjusting quickly though, as this chapter may show.

Destri: This chapter was written with your comment in mind. I thought about it long and hard, one of the reasons, for the time in between the last posts. Hopefully this will show that Maya has some strengths, even if she doesn't know them.

All: Here's Chapter Two, which I am making a separate chapter or else chapter one would have been extended forever. Please comment!

Chapter Two Part One
In which trust is given

There were three, no four, of them, with strange rough black armor and red cloth head covers. I was mesmerized as they swung their weapons up and around. Then the Captain was killed.

It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards. Her sword clattered on the rock floor, a few feet away from me. Her murderer advanced towards me, blood dripping from his weapon. I could almost imagine him grinning underneath his mask.

A sudden surge of panic sent me rolling onto the floor, knocking the assassin onto the ground, and putting me an arm’s distance from the Captain's sword. In one fluid motion I grabbed the sword and with an upwards thrust swung it into the assassins throat. He died without a sound.

As I pushed myself off the floor, I could only hear the sound of my breathing, harsh and loud. Then I looked up, and met Baurus’s eyes. He looked shocked, and turned away.

I cleared my throat, and steeled myself to start walking again. It was Glenroy who broke the silence with a muttered, “that was unexpected.”

The Emperor, who also held a bloodstained sword, looked not surprised, but saddened. I avoided his gaze as I kept a firm hold on the Captain's sword, and began limping forward. It was Baurus who stopped me, and caught me as I fell to the ground in a dead faint.

It was only a few seconds later that I came to, but the Emperor already stood before me.

“You’ve killed before,” he said. It was not a question.

I shrugged, and then winced as I began to feel bruises all over. “Probably. I knew what to do, that’s for sure.”

The Emperor nodded, then gave me a hand up. We began walking in silence, the four of us. We soon reached an iron gate, which Glenroy unlocked with a key he pulled from- well actually I have no idea. How do warriors keep things like keys with them? The armor didn’t look like it had pockets.

As we passed through the gate Baurus, bringing up the line, glanced around, and then put his hand on my shoulder. I stopped, and he leaned in.

“Keep the Captain’s sword with you, and out. I have to take another way through, to check for more assassins. I’m trusting you to protect the Emperor.”

My eyes, widened, then I nodded solemnly. I would protect the Emperor with my life, no matter that I was going to be sore, if not dead, for days. Baurus looked relieved, and he slipped away through a side passage I hadn’t seen.

I thought about telling the Emperor, but chances were, he knew. So, we walked along the dark passageways under the Imperial Prison, the three of us, and for minutes things seemed almost peaceful. Almost.

WOO HOO !!!!!!!! Awesome action scene!!!! MORE !!!!!!

Yay, more Maya! As you said in your comments, here we see her stepping up to the plate and showing that she can handle herself!


nits:
I don't mean to beat on a dead goblin, l but you are still running your sentences out. Here was one of the bigger examples:
It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards, her sword clattering on the rock floor, a few feet away from me.
You might turn this into:
It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards. Her sword clattered on the rock floor a few feet away from me.


and putting me an arm’s distance from the Captain's sword.
You missed an apostrophe in the word "Captain's".

I avoided his gaze as I kept a firm hold on the Captain's sword
And again here.


It was Glenroy who broke the silence with a muttered, “That was unexpected.”
The "t" in that should be lowercase, as you are not starting a new sentence, but rather are still continuing one. When it comes to whether or not to capitalize in dialogue, just ignore the quotation marks.

Ahah! So, we gain a dark clue about the amnesiac's past. And brilliantly portrayed by her lethal, almost instinctive reactions.

What a welcome and clever touch of comic relief this was during a dangerous trek through the prison! Bravo!

I am having a wonderful time following this journey!

I love this observation. We will have to guard against sneaky Maya/Linara humor, I see.

And yes, she has used a blade before.

You have a real talent for conveying your characters’ personalities through their actions and the dialogue. And that makes for a wonderful story.

Ah, Maya shows her teeth! This was fantastic! Now I am just filled with questions about her: Where did she learn to do that? Who taught her? Why? How does someone with her skill wind up in the Imperial City’s dungeon? What happened to her to make her loose her memory?

I am sure all of these questions will be answered in due time, but until then . . .

MORE!!!

Being someone who is guilty of the more than occasional run-on sentence, I am probably not the right person to be giving advice. But it occurs to me that you could keep this sentence as is by taking out a few of the commas:

It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace and she fell backwards, her sword clattering on the rock floor a few feet away from me.

SubRosa: Thanks for pointing out those nits, I got them.
Acadian: You aren't here, but I want to thank you anyway for your continued reading and comments.
Treydog: It is both Maya and Linara humor, although Maya is working her personality more then I thought she would.
Destri: Questions are good, very good. I will try to answer them as best I can. In the meantime, thank you for reading!
All: Thank you all for reading, and continuing to encourage me. It helps more then you know. This is, unfortunately, a completely actionless scene, although we do discover something about Maya- erm, nameless Dunmer girl- from the Emperor. And also, I will post tomorrow to make up for an extremely short segment.

Chapter Two Part Two
In which the above happens

While the Emperor, Glenroy and I traversed the- tunnels? Sewers? - Well somewhere dark and slimy at any rate, I began to think about myself. What I knew. So far, I knew I was a female Dunmer, probably on the youngish side, and a well-honed blade skill. But what else was I?

I tried to think about it, but my head started to fill with white wispy fog, and I shook it violently, and then forced my eyes ahead to the gloom. Baurus was still not back, and I began to get worried. What if he had been killed? Or bitten by some sewer monster and dragged away to it’s lair?

As possibilities began to fill my head, I became even more scared. Finally I reached out, and touched the Emperor lightly on the shoulder. He turned immediately, and his eyes widened as he took in the fact that Baurus was not with us. Uh oh.

Glenroy, hearing our footsteps stop, turned as well, and his eyes gleamed with an accusatory look directed, I was sure, at me.

“What did you do to him?” he cried with vehemence.

I backed away with the Captain’s sword in my hand, and it started to point at him. I forced my hand down.

“It wasn’t me,” I cried, scared. “He told me to take the rear, and he would take the other route, make sure it was safe. I didn’t do anything to him, I swear.”

Glenroy didn’t look like he believed me, and his eyes narrowed further.

“You lie.” His voice was scaring me even further.

Finally the Emperor spoke, and I almost fainted with relief to hear a tone that was not full of menace.

“She is telling the truth,” he declared, with a simplicity that made me like him even more. “She would not kill him anyway, the One could not send someone so corrupted.”

I gulped, and nodded quickly. I didn’t want Glenroy to run me through with his sword. With a scowl that was even angrier then his glare, Glenroy turned and began to walk through the tunnels once again, torch held in his hand. The Emperor gave me a reassuring smile, and then turned likewise, and we began to move forward again. I missed Baurus.

Do not worry about not having lots of killing in very post. To be honest, I find the Fs where authors feel it is necessary to kill something every single post to be extremely boring. IMHO, the best "action" is what takes place in a character's head and heart. Not to mention in their relationships with others.

I backed away with the Captain’s sword in my hand, and it started to point at him. I forced my hand down.
I really liked this. This is the kind of action I prefer. The kind that tells us something about the protagonist, in a very subtle way.

I agree with SubRosa. I hope I didn't give you the impression that we needed to see more bloodletting. In commenting on Maya's strength, I was referring to that strength of character that makes a protagonist proactive rather than reactive. This chapter is filled with humor, action, mystery, suspense, and drama. You managed to do all that in this short post, and no one had to die.

Wonderful again! As said above, some nice character illumination and a touch of humor in Maya's observations. Hey, combat happens when the story dictates that it happens - no need to push it into stories that don't require it. We're truly not bloodthirsty here. What counts is to show us your character - just as you are so ably doing!

I like how you put such a simple element of the game into such detail. A very good, intriguing start, I hope to read some follow - ups.

Especially on this forum there is no need to apologize for not having “action” in every post. In fact, many of us are more interested in what goes on in the character’s head and heart than in fighting. The truth is, after the fiftieth (or 500th) battle, it gets old. But learning about the character, seeing what makes her tick…. Just search the threads for “character-driven story” and you will see what we mean.

The last line is as good a reason as any to stop this episode where you did. The Emperor’s insight, Glenroy’s (justified) paranoia, and Maya’s struggle to remember- all of that makes for compelling story-telling.

Destri:My comment was merely me wondering if the extremely slow pace of the story was boring anyone. Evidently not
All:Thank you for your comments, and for your continued...reading, I guess. That includes all of you who don't comment! Another very short chapter, with a focus on someone other than Maya Dunmer girl person. Tell me what you think!

Chapter Three
In which there is some fighting and something strange

Baurus unfortunately was not in the position to miss the strange Dunmer girl. At the moment he was trapped in a corner, with two assassins closing in on him. His blade flashed twice, and the first assassin clutched his side as blood welled around the sword wound, but this did not deter the second assassin in the least, and he advanced even more quickly, mace held high over his head.

The assassin swung down, Baurus ducked and felt the mace miss him by an inch. As he thrust out a steel clad boot, and tripped the assassin, the second continued to pull himself closer to the fight. The strange armor that protected the assassins started to crumble, and flakes of it fell to the stone floor.

The first assassin fell to the ground, but managed to kick Baurus in the stomach as his feet swung up. His armor was falling to pieces at a faster rate, and within seconds Baurus could see the thick red robe that he wore underneath.

Both assassins gave cries of surprise and dismay as their maces disappeared, and the second collapsed on the ground and lay still, perhaps giving up completely. However, the first was not one to admit defeat so quickly, and as he scrambled to his feet, he lunged at Baurus, his mask-less face full of rage.

As Baurus shoved the assassin away, with his sword swinging in a wide arc and nearly clipping the assassin’s arm, a shaft of light shot through the tunnel where they fought, and Baurus put up an arm to block the bright rays. He heard shrieks of pain, then silence. He warily lowered his arm, not knowing what to expect. What he found, or rather what he didn’t find, was most surprising.

The assassins had vanished, and no sign of the struggle remained but the blood on the ground, and Baurus’s exhaustion. He fell to his knees and sent up a quick prayer to Akatosh. There was no time to contemplate the miracle that had just occurred, he had to continue through the tunnels, and kill the rest of the assassins. He knew that there were probably more past every corner, scuttling towards the noise of the fight like cockroaches.

He rose to his feet, head bowed by exhaustion for only a moment, then he continued onward, for the Emperor.

Yay for Baurus! I loved the trip he used! One of the things often overlooked by writers and filmmakers both is the importance that wrestling played in sword-fighting, especially armored sword-fighting. Tripping or throwing an opponent to the ground is one of the surest ways to create an opportunity to strike at the points their armor doesn't protect.

scuttling towards the noise of the fight like cockroaches
Ewww! Which is to say, and excellent metaphor!

The strange light was interesting. I wonder what that was! Perhaps the doings of a strange Dunmer girl? Or is something else afoot? I sense the scaly claw of a time dragon...

nits:
his mask less face full of rage.
I think you wanted mask-less. Otherwise it reads like a mask minus a face.


He knew that there were probably ones past every corner
Ones sounds kind of odd. Perhaps a word like more would flow better?

A shift from first person Maya to third person Baurus for the perspective here. How neat! And well-done I might add. That is, by detailing this entire episode in the different perspective, it worked beautifully.

I enjoyed your presentation of how the Mythic Dawn bound armor and weaponry deteriorated on the assassins.

Like FriendRosa, I am intrigued by the mysteriously bright help Baurus received.

Baurus is always one of my favorite characters- a steady no-nonsense guide for the player character. And yes, there is definitely a mystery here- or another one. Don’t worry about speed or word-count; your loyal fans are addicted to this story. One advantage of Chorrol’s smaller membership is that stories don’t get pushed off the front page so quickly. And even if yours does, we will still seek Maya (sorry, unnamed Dunmer girl) out.

Linara, I'm loving the story so far. Like other, more notable posters have said, don't worry about the post length, the length of time, or anything else it gives us time to relish the thought of more.

I loved the visual of the assassin’s armor crumbling as the spell wears off. Like true fanatics they give no thought to personal safety in their zeal to clip Baurus. One would think that it would not have been difficult to simply recast the spell before wading into battle with an experienced Blade. Good thing zealotry trumps reason, eh?

Now we have the mystery surrounding the source of that blinding shaft of light. Could it be that there are more agents at play in the catacombs?

Hey! I just caught up (I'm late as usual with stories) with this wonderful piece of FanFic, and let me tell you; Wow. An amnesiac for a Hero! That is just something you just don't see everyday.
I love how memories/strange reflexes occur when May-ahem-nameless Dunmer girl wields a weapon. The way you have with words instantly draws audiences in! Nicely done!

All: After a two or so week break, I have started writing again. Unfortunately, it took about two weeks to get this short chapter out. It's good to be back at writing!

SubRosa: Thanks for pointing out those nits. Yes, I felt Baurus at this point just wanted to get himself out of the situation, and a well-timed trip seemed appropriate.

Acadian: The mystery doesn't get explained yet, maybe soon. I'll have to think of a suitable explanation

Treydog: Baurus definitely fit into Maya unnamed dunmers world, as soon as I started writing her. I'm glad the 3rd person worked, I thought it would be better than trying to write Baurus himself.

Doommeister&ureniashtram: Thank you both for reading, I hope you continue to read and comment, and that you enjoy it!

Destri: There is definitely something strange in the catacombs, and we may discover it soon...until then, stranger things may happen. Glad the armor crumbling didn't seem offbeat.

And now for the feature presentation: Or a short part of it, anyway.

Chapter Four
In which Baurus and Maya are very relieved

I may have been a rabbit before I woke up in the cell. There’s magic that can do that, right? As it was, after about forty minutes in the dank, gloomy tunnels, I jumped at every noise, including my own footsteps. Glenroy would occasionally look back and curl his lip at me. It did not help in the slightest.

The Emperor, self-assured and all, was much more calm, and gave me a reassuring smile at times. But I couldn’t help it. I needed Baurus. And he wasn’t coming back. Or so my mind kept telling me, thinking of a thousand ways he might have been ambushed, killed or lost.

So I may have been slightly relieved when two assassins attacked us from behind. Or I may not have been, because I found myself fighting for my life, and forgetting all about the Emperor within seconds.

One assassin ran at me, swinging his mace with dreadful inaccuracy, and a thrust with the Captain’s blade into his chest soon killed him. The other assassin was luckier, and managed to reach the Emperor before he was stabbed with a short sword and then beheaded by Glenroy.

It was in the aftermath, when we were all gasping for breath and checking for injuries that Baurus ran up, slightly bloody and winded. His eyes went to the Emperor’s, and a relieved look fell over his face.

“How many?” It was my voice that asked the question of him, though I did not really wish it.

Baurus shrugged, winced and then replied, in a hoarse voice, “Six of them. Two at once, then one at a time, after that.”

Glenroy looked impressed, but I couldn’t stop worry from showing on my face. However, it was the Emperor who spoke next.

“Are you okay? Did anything else happen?”

Baurus’s face paled, and then he nodded, once.

It’s good to have you back, Linara. And it’s good to have Maya the unnamed Dunmer girl back as well. Her time in the tunnels has toughened her. Whereas before she could barely walk, now she is dispatching assassins with enough ease to comment on their lack of skill. Maybe it is proximity to the Emperor that has inspired this change in her, or could it be fear-induced adrenaline that has her so frosty?

It's great to have you back! You style is delightful, so don't worry about the length of your posts or your frequency.

I liked this very much. It gives Maya a rather endearing voice, establishes a touch of tongue-in-cheek in your writing, and is quite clever and fun!

Our amnesiac seems a bit taken by the brave Baurus. I really think he is a neat character in the game - very easy to like and respect.

Ah, no, my dear Acadian.

Baurus is an easy man to fall in love with.

Linara, this is quite an interesting take on what is probably the most difficult part for most TESIV writers - the tutorial dungeon. If you're unlucky enough (like me) to be stuck on a console with no mods, then it's a real b***h. So far you're doing well with this.

Yay for Linara and the unnamed Dunmer prisoner!

Lots to like here. Linara's comparison of herself to a rabbit. Glenroy's lip curling in contempt. And of course Linara wishing the Blade who didn't want her dead was still around.

No nits this time. Just a good story.

To me, this line was a small detail that few remember to add in their tutorial versions:



Most FF's describe the protagonist's gasps for breath - you took it that extra step and made the scene come to life and feel like a real battle had taken place by including the struggles and exhaustion of those around you as well. Bravo!

Yippee, a new story to read.

I loved the pacing in the first few chapters, your style of writing really suited the amnesiac tale that you are telling. Very few 'repeats' of the tutorial dungeon seem to grab my attention these days, but this one was really good. The character with no memory has allowed you to literally take the adventure any direction that you like, and helps the reader immediately care about the protagonist. I am curious to see what you plan for your writing style as much as your character. This could end up being a mystery, comedy or serious drama, who knows?!

It is good that you are trying to follow the advice of the amazing writers here at Chorrol.
If SageRosa says that there are 'no nits this time,' then that is really all the guidance you need to point your story in the right direction.

The first paragraph is another wonderful bit of characterization, for both the U.D.G. and Glenroy. You show a real talent for providing visual and emotional cues based on the character’s actions and expressions- have to love her new-found dependence on Baurus.

Destri:It's very good to be back! The unnamed Dunmer girl (U.D.G.) is indeed toughening up. But is it only a temporary improvement?...

Acadian:Well there has to be some humor, writing these later chapters its a huge slaughterhouse, and tongue in cheek is what I do best! I think... Baurus and his kind are exactly the kind of person an amnesiac needs, strong, loyal and caring.

Haute ecole rider: That's seems to be what the U.D.G. is thinking! Yes, I too am stuck on a console, but I never skip the dungeon. It's an integral part of learning the character, and becoming comfortable with them. So far this is a character only on paper, but maybe one day...

SubRosa:Thank you Rosa. Probably plenty of nits this chapter I'm sure, but I think it needed to be rougher than usual.

mALX:Thanks mALX.

Wolf:Thank you Wolf. I've been trying to make this interesting, as far as I know how, and so far it's doing alright, I think. The tutorial didn't hold much interest to me until I started writing this, and now I'm a little curious to see how it actually plays out.

Treydog: U.D.G. I love it! As you can see it's beginning to stick, to me anyway. Thanks treydog!

All: And now part one of the latest chapter. Most of you know what will happen, but I've done my best to make it from the unnamed Dunmer girl's point of view. Enjoy, and no spoilers!

Chapter Five-Part One
In which a girl is numbed

The tunnel was quiet as we waited for Baurus to speak. After several moments he took in a deep breath, then began to talk.

“When I was attacked by the first assassins, I wasn’t completely ready. I was thinking about other things, and they just jumped me. I managed to get one down, but the other was fighting pretty well, for a crazy man, and he had the advantage. It was while we were fighting that their armor started to fall apart. It literally fell apart, in pieces, and disappeared. Then their weapons started to deteriorate as well, and this bright light shot through the tunnel we were fighting in. I covered my eyes, and when I opened them, both of the assassins were gone. Just gone…” his voice started to wobble, and the Emperor put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“The Nine are watching over you, Baurus.” He turned and looked at me with a glint of curiosity.

“I wonder though…” His thought trailed off unfinished, and we set off towards the end of the tunnels, or so I hoped. I promised my exhausted feet that if I got out of this alive I wouldn’t walk for at least a week.

“Any idea how much longer?” Glenroy grumbled, looking at me with suspicious eyes every so often.

The Emperor’s velvet clad shoulders shrugged, and we kept walking. As the tunnels began to square, and the floor grew smoother, we all grew tenser. Glenroy glanced back several times, pupils dilated, and I was tempted to sneer. Old habits told me not to, and I looked down at the floor, worn and cracked stone with moss growing in between. It felt much better on my feet, and I paused for a moment to enjoy the softness.

When I looked back up, the situation had changed with remarkable speed. I could see several red-robed assassins running at us, and I heard Baurus’s shouts as he positioned himself between the Emperor and the assassins.

I ran up, sword out and ready, already seeing nothing but the attackers, focused on only my own survival. Somewhere inside, I felt selfish, but it was too late to think about such things. The four of us fought, swords flashing in the dim light.

The assassins kept coming, although the wall Baurus, Glenroy, and I made kept many of them out, and away from the Emperor. But there came a time when the three of us were tired, even more tired then before, and the Emperor joined our line, short-sword glistening with blood.

It was after bodies covered the floor in front of us, and blood ran everywhere, that Glenroy fell. We were slaughtering more of the innumerable assassins when I heard a cry of pain, and a hoarse shout. There was only time to glance over and acknowledge the death, a point scored on the assassin’s side. Then the fighting continued.

Maya continues to show her skill, and will to survive (,and sore feet ) .

Beautifully written, this.

And after Glenroy falls, did I read correctly? Score another for the assassins? Does that mean the Emperor just fell?

I have a thing for (Female) Dunmer (no, not like that ) so I was easily drawn in by this good story.
The elbow in Dreth's face made me smile.

Keep it up

Yay, more u.D.g.

The Emperor's pronunciation that it was the Nine that protected Baurus seems prophetic. Given his own inevitable death. It implies that Baurus is being saved for something that he (the Emperor) is not.

I liked the extra description you gave to the change in the surface of the floor, noting how the moss made it softer. Much more comfortable for our barefoot u.D.g.!

@Acadian: I believe that point scored was Glenroy's death.


nits:
I ran up, sword out and ready, already seeing nothing but the attackers, focused on nothing but my own survival.
You have a repetition of the word nothing in the same sentence. I think you might just change the second instance to only (and drop the "but").

I like the new twists that you are giving this. The image of U.D.G fighting back to back with the Blades for the life of the Emperor gives a great deal of impact to this chapter.

one nit:

'Several minutes' seems like a long time to wait for a professional warrior to gather himself, especially given that assassins are still bearing down on them. Spending his life so close to the Emperor, one could imagine that Baurus would be accustomed to seeing things that defied easy description.

Our poor u.D.g.’s poor feet! The consistency of the characterizations is again clear- Glenroy’s suspicion, Baurus’ loyalty, and Uriel’s mystic fatalism. And into this mix we have several mysteries, not least the source of the light that dispelled the assassins’ armor and weapons. The former prisoner is also showing herself as no stranger to sword-work.

Remko: Glad you like it. It's tough stuff to write, and its hard to turn out stuff on a weekly basis. Baurus's elbow is becoming increasingly popular.

SubRosa: Thanks for explaining that. Yes, Baurus is destined for greater things.

Destri:Thank you for pointing that out, I changed it to moments. Yes, considering the Jagar Tharn mess, Baurus would be used to the very strange.



There was blood everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over me. And bodies, so many bodies. There air rang with the cries of corpses to come, the smell of death hung heavy in the tunnels.

The Emperor lay gasping for breath on the blood-slicked floor, the wound in his side dyeing his purple robes. He looked up at me beseechingly, and his lips trembled as they tried to form words that had to be said.

“You have been so…so brave…” He struggled with each word, and I shook my head pleadingly, begging him to save his strength, to live.

“My sons have been killed…but there is one left…a-a boy…Martin…Kvatch…take the amulet…” His breathing grew harsher and more inconsistent, but still he tried to talk.

“S-so brave…” His head fell back and his breathing stopped. I stayed there, kneeling, as the blood around me began to dry. I could here the clang of metal against metal, and I knew that Baurus still fought, but to what end? The Emperor was dead.


I felt a light touch on my shoulder, and whirled around, sword at the ready. In the process I nearly chopped off Baurus’s nose, and he stumbled back, alarmed, but only for a second. He was breathing heavily, and I noticed that for the first time in what felt like years no assassins were trying to kill of us. Of course they wouldn’t, since they already achieved their goal, I thought bitterly.

Then I noticed that I couldn’t feel my knees, and I pitched forward, nearly falling on a dead assassins body. Baurus caught me, and helped me to sit down, against a wall. We sat there quietly, at a loss and defeated.

“So,” Baurus finally said. “So what now?”

We looked at each other, then back at the carnage that faced us.

“Well…” my voice trailed off as I thought of what the Emperor had said to me.

“The Emperor said something about another son to me.”

“Another son?” Baurus sounded puzzled. “Not the Emperor. He was always faithful to his wife, although she was a shrew. Still is, far as I know. No, I don’t think he would do something like that…”

“His name is Martin, and he lives in Kvatch,” I said quietly. “Where’s Kvatch?”

But my question went unanswered, as Baurus was staring at me with wide eyes.

“Are you sure his name is Martin?” His voice was low with urgency, and I nodded quickly, a little frightened by his tone.

“I have to ride to Kvatch, right away. If the assassins find out about Martin there is no hope for the Empire. “

Baurus gently took the amulet from around the Emperors neck, and tucked it away. He stood up, and turned back to me.

“I…” His voice trailed off, and I felt myself start to pale.

“Just follow me out of the sewers okay? I’ll show you how to get to the City; then-“ He stopped, turned away, and started walking.

“I guess we’ll see what happens,” he said, so quietly that I could barely hear him.

“I guess we’ll see,” I murmured, and than I followed him.


All: So there it was: The toughest thing I've written in a long time. The inevitable chapter, and all that. The crossroads of plot has finally come, and so it may be awhile until something gets put up. Should the unnamed Dunmer girl try to discover her past, or help Baurus in the search for Martin and all the Main Questery? Decisions, decisions...What do you guys think?

Very original take on the old tale of the Emperor's death! I liked how you flashed back and forth from past to present. It kept things tight and moving, without getting bogged down. Also a very good and sensible course of action on the part of Baurus taking the amulet and decided that he would be the one to go find Martin. It does make a lot of sense that the secret agent would be the one to do that!

So what next? I take you you have not decided? Perhaps you could do both, and have the u.D.g. tag along with Baurus and in so doing, learn more about her past. I do not know what you have worked out concerning that, so it is hard to offer any specifics. But it could be as simple as she starts having memories of her past while she goes about the MQ with Baurus. Or they find the places they visit have people who knew her. Perhaps she is a Kvatchian for example? Or there is someone at Weynon Priory who knows her? That sort of thing.

It would be nice for us to have a reason to start calling her Maya, rather than the u.D.g...


nits:
There air rang with the cries of corpses to come, and death was in the air.
Two things here. First I think you meant "The air" at the beginning? The second is that there is repetition of air in the same sentence. Perhaps you could remove the last one by saying something like "death loomed like a pall" or "death shrouded all"


the wound in his side dying his purple robes.
I think you want dyeing here.

Ah, so it is Baurus that takes the amulet in your version of events. Well, if you want my opinion, I think her next course of action is obvious. It was the Emperor who both freed and empowered her. That same Emperor now lies in a pool of drying blood. Intermingled with thoughts of vengeance would be a desire to see the will of the now dead Emperor done. To my recollection we have never had a story where the main character ventures to Kvatch in the company of Baurus. Will they bypass Weynon Priory, or will Baurus insist that they make their report to Grandmaster Jauffre? The mystery surrounding her own identity is of secondary concern when placed against the fate of the Empire itself.

On to Kvatch!

The changes you have incorporated surrounding the Emperor's death are reasonable and flow quite naturally. It is a fun balance between the familiar, and the way it might have been. Good job!

Advice going forward? Ask your character what she wants to do, and listen carefully to her. If she needs some coaxing, ask her the following questions:
- How do you feel about the Emperor?
- Is 'The Empire' important to you? If so, why?
- How do you feel about Baurus?