Chapter 1.0
I ran from the Merchants Inn as fast as I could. Holding tight to the precious bounty I had wrapped in cloth, ignoring the angry shouts behind me. I dipped into an empty side street and paused to look around before examining my prize, a large loaf of bread covered in melted cheese. Deeh would not believe that I had stolen some food without his help, I couldn't wait to get back to Leyawiin and tell him.
The bread was warm out of the oven and tasted delicious as I hungrily crammed it into my mouth. Before I could finish, I heard a rattle of armour and a wall of iron in the shape of a legionnaire crashed down the alley towards me. My hand found the hilt of my dagger but I decided against fighting this particular soldier. If only I had a bow.
“Stop right there pondscum!” his voice was like thunder and echoed about the grubby walls surrounding me. The only exit was behind me. I made a run for it but the soldier was too fast and grabbed my arm in a bone breaking grip.
“I assume you don’t have 5 septims?” This time his voice was lower but still sounded loud in the cramped alleyway.
I quickly swallowed the bread in my mouth, “I…no,” my mouth was dry and my voice croaked, if I was a man or mer my face would be bright red with embarrassment and fear.
“Come with me,” The soldier secured the irons tightly on my thin wrists, cutting off the circulation. Minutes later we arrived at the imperial prison, it’s walls were darker than those of the other city districts and corpses in various states of decay hung from atop it’s large spire.
Once inside I was lead down a short tunnel, light seemed to fear this place as it grew darker and darker the deeper we descended. One of the rusty cell doors was open, I assumed this was mine.
Sure enough on reaching the cell, an iron clad hand grabbed me by the neck and pulled me closer to the soldier.
“ I hope you rot, criminal scum,” His voice was a low growl with an edge of disgust which most people had when talking to me and the other beggars. The soldier threw me into the cell, my head colliding with something hard. Everything went dark.
Full Version: Haa-Rei the Marsh Ranger
Oooh hazmick! Nice start! I like how you left so very much to us to deduce. A poor Argonian. It will be fun to see where this goes.
You have a couple of comma heavy runon sentences that should probably be broken into shorter sentences. You will also want to do a touch of google digging on 'speech tag punctuation', but let's not dwell on those tiny things yet. This looks like it could be a nice story.
You have a couple of comma heavy runon sentences that should probably be broken into shorter sentences. You will also want to do a touch of google digging on 'speech tag punctuation', but let's not dwell on those tiny things yet. This looks like it could be a nice story.
Thankyou very much 
this was quite a fast piece, i'm gonna take it slow and make it more detailed with the next one. thanks for the tips, i'll be sure to take them on board 
this was quite a fast piece, i'm gonna take it slow and make it more detailed with the next one. thanks for the tips, i'll be sure to take them on board
Indeed, this was a good start. You show us a bit about your main character (rather than tell us, which is excellent btw.), and it would seem set up the main quest of the game to start from here.
You do have a lot of run on sentences that ought to be broken up. Plus you missed some other grammar nits like capitalization and a space at the beginning of a sentence.
You do have a lot of run on sentences that ought to be broken up. Plus you missed some other grammar nits like capitalization and a space at the beginning of a sentence.
I agree with SubRosa. It is nice to discover facts about the character in the natural order of events rather than being told everything. We discover that Haa-Rei is Argonian by the legionairre calling him 'pondscum'(as if his name wasn't already a dead giveaway 
). We also learn that, at this point in his life he is a beggar who considers a loaf of bread 'prize bounty'. I think you have an interesting start here. I look forward to seeing this continued.
). We also learn that, at this point in his life he is a beggar who considers a loaf of bread 'prize bounty'. I think you have an interesting start here. I look forward to seeing this continued.
@ SubRosa: I'm glad you like it. I'm going to dip in and out of the main quest to avoid being a hero but to give my character something to do.
@ Destri Melarg: Thankyou, it will continue every couple of days.
@ Destri Melarg: Thankyou, it will continue every couple of days.
Others have already pointed out the richness of your descriptions and the fact that you let the story itself reveal information about the character, his circumstances, etc. Good examples of showing rather than telling.
@ All: thanks for reading, enjoy.
Chapter 1.1
I awoke to the smell of mould and decay. My head felt thick and my left temple throbbed from where I’d collided with what appeared to be a table. I was still wearing my sack cloth pants and shirt. The prison was kind enough to give me some shoes.
Sitting up slowly, I looked around. The walls were made of dark, grimy stone. The floor was of a similar material and had patches of straw here and there, presumably for use as a toilet. The door was made of thick iron bars and there was a small window high up on the wall opposite the door. It did nothing to clear the air and only a small amount of light made it through. Rusty chains hung from the ceiling to my right and bones were scattered on the floor to my left.
I stood up slowly, my legs were shaking as I crossed the small room and sat down on the stool, there was a jug and cup on the table in front of the stool but the water looked as stale as the rest of the room. I noticed some blood on the corner of the table and raised my hand to check my head wound, there was dry blood attempting to form a scab but other than that I was in top shape.
My eyes drifted across the hall from my cell. A white haired Dunmer man stood in the shadows
“Hey lizard, it must break your heart to be so close to the water, knowing that you’ll never get to swim again…” A smirk played across his thin lips.
“What do you mean?” I replied, trying to sound brave.
The Dunmer continued, “…sometimes when they let us in the yard, you can hear the sounds from the lake. The boats, the gulls…”
I didn’t reply but he carried on talking, his voice sounded more menacing, “You’ll never get to swim again, Argonian. Don’t worry though, you’ll be dead soon enough.” He laughed as he stepped back into the shadows. A cold shiver ran up my spine.
The sounds of jangling keys and armour reached my ears. It was coming from the steps outside my cell.
My mind raced at my oncoming death, what horrors might await me at the hands of the merciless guards. Perhaps the Dunmer was right and I’d never swim again.
Three soldiers in heavy armour reached the bottom of the steps; they were surrounding an old man in a rich looking robe.
One of the soldiers reached my cell. A female Breton with pale skin and brown eyes, she spoke with authority to the other soldiers.
“What’s this prisoner doing here, this cell is supposed to be off limits.”
Another soldier stepped forward to answer, “Must have been a mix up with the watch, I…I…”
“Never mind, get that gate open.” The Breton spoke again, this time in a hurried tone.
I watched as the gate swung open and the soldiers stepped into my cell. The Breton woman walked to the side of my bed and pressed a stone on the wall. The bricks swung back, revealing a dark passageway.
The old man that the soldiers were protecting stepped forward to talk to me. His shoulder length hair was grey and flecked with white. His creased face looked tired but his blue eyes were alert and watchful.
“You, I’ve seen you. You were the one from my dreams. Then the stars were right and this is the day.” His voice was soft yet had an edge of power. “My blades are leading me out of the city using a secret escape route. By chance, that route leads through your cell.”
“Who are you?” I asked, trying to keep eye contact.
“I am your emperor, Uriel Septim. I serve Tamriel as her ruler, by the grace of the nine.” His eyes sparkled and he stood up straight, showing a large red stone set into a gold frame. The Amulet of Kings! He really was the Emperor.
“Come on sire, we must keep moving.” The Breton woman placed her hand on the Emperor’s arm, leading him through the hole in the wall.
The remaining soldiers followed the Emperor and the Breton into the passageway, leaving me alone in my cell.
Taking a last look at the mould and rot, I quickly followed them down the passageway. The earthy tunnel soon gave way to a room of white stone, dust and cobwebs covered every surface. The sound of fighting came from a neighbouring room. I carefully headed down the small stone steps.
I emerged into a large room that was similar to the first but with two sets of steps. Several bodies littered the floor, people dressed in red robes and hoods. One body stood out from the rest, the Breton woman.
The Emperor and his two remaining guards were at the bottom of the steps, heading through a small wooden door.
When I caught up with them, one of the guards turned to me, he was a Redguard. "Stay here prisoner, don't try to follow us." His voice was kind, yet strong. I decided not to argue as the group passed through the door, I heard it lock behind them. Great, I was stuck.
Chapter 1.1
I awoke to the smell of mould and decay. My head felt thick and my left temple throbbed from where I’d collided with what appeared to be a table. I was still wearing my sack cloth pants and shirt. The prison was kind enough to give me some shoes.
Sitting up slowly, I looked around. The walls were made of dark, grimy stone. The floor was of a similar material and had patches of straw here and there, presumably for use as a toilet. The door was made of thick iron bars and there was a small window high up on the wall opposite the door. It did nothing to clear the air and only a small amount of light made it through. Rusty chains hung from the ceiling to my right and bones were scattered on the floor to my left.
I stood up slowly, my legs were shaking as I crossed the small room and sat down on the stool, there was a jug and cup on the table in front of the stool but the water looked as stale as the rest of the room. I noticed some blood on the corner of the table and raised my hand to check my head wound, there was dry blood attempting to form a scab but other than that I was in top shape.
My eyes drifted across the hall from my cell. A white haired Dunmer man stood in the shadows
“Hey lizard, it must break your heart to be so close to the water, knowing that you’ll never get to swim again…” A smirk played across his thin lips.
“What do you mean?” I replied, trying to sound brave.
The Dunmer continued, “…sometimes when they let us in the yard, you can hear the sounds from the lake. The boats, the gulls…”
I didn’t reply but he carried on talking, his voice sounded more menacing, “You’ll never get to swim again, Argonian. Don’t worry though, you’ll be dead soon enough.” He laughed as he stepped back into the shadows. A cold shiver ran up my spine.
The sounds of jangling keys and armour reached my ears. It was coming from the steps outside my cell.
My mind raced at my oncoming death, what horrors might await me at the hands of the merciless guards. Perhaps the Dunmer was right and I’d never swim again.
Three soldiers in heavy armour reached the bottom of the steps; they were surrounding an old man in a rich looking robe.
One of the soldiers reached my cell. A female Breton with pale skin and brown eyes, she spoke with authority to the other soldiers.
“What’s this prisoner doing here, this cell is supposed to be off limits.”
Another soldier stepped forward to answer, “Must have been a mix up with the watch, I…I…”
“Never mind, get that gate open.” The Breton spoke again, this time in a hurried tone.
I watched as the gate swung open and the soldiers stepped into my cell. The Breton woman walked to the side of my bed and pressed a stone on the wall. The bricks swung back, revealing a dark passageway.
The old man that the soldiers were protecting stepped forward to talk to me. His shoulder length hair was grey and flecked with white. His creased face looked tired but his blue eyes were alert and watchful.
“You, I’ve seen you. You were the one from my dreams. Then the stars were right and this is the day.” His voice was soft yet had an edge of power. “My blades are leading me out of the city using a secret escape route. By chance, that route leads through your cell.”
“Who are you?” I asked, trying to keep eye contact.
“I am your emperor, Uriel Septim. I serve Tamriel as her ruler, by the grace of the nine.” His eyes sparkled and he stood up straight, showing a large red stone set into a gold frame. The Amulet of Kings! He really was the Emperor.
“Come on sire, we must keep moving.” The Breton woman placed her hand on the Emperor’s arm, leading him through the hole in the wall.
The remaining soldiers followed the Emperor and the Breton into the passageway, leaving me alone in my cell.
Taking a last look at the mould and rot, I quickly followed them down the passageway. The earthy tunnel soon gave way to a room of white stone, dust and cobwebs covered every surface. The sound of fighting came from a neighbouring room. I carefully headed down the small stone steps.
I emerged into a large room that was similar to the first but with two sets of steps. Several bodies littered the floor, people dressed in red robes and hoods. One body stood out from the rest, the Breton woman.
The Emperor and his two remaining guards were at the bottom of the steps, heading through a small wooden door.
When I caught up with them, one of the guards turned to me, he was a Redguard. "Stay here prisoner, don't try to follow us." His voice was kind, yet strong. I decided not to argue as the group passed through the door, I heard it lock behind them. Great, I was stuck.
Wel-done hazmick! You really progress from your prologue.
Your writing seems much better and the run on sentences are almost gone. Take a look at this one though:
This is wonderful. I know the dialogue is from the game, but the bold part is beautiful.
I see you also did some looking into speech tag punctuation.
My goodness, I am laboring on about your technical stuff. I suppose mostly because I am so impressed by your sharp learning curve here. You definitely 'get it' about show vs tell.
Now, the story: I like it a lot. I must confess a weakness for accounts of other players going through the game of Oblivion. I am always fascinated by the perspectives their character see, and the differences the writer brings to familiar things. So, this seems to be my kind of story.
I like how you are not pushing details of your poor Argonian at us in a rapid manner, but letting your character reaveal themself to us. Hmm, do you notice that I'm referring to your character in a gender neutral manner? Indeed, I can't say if your lizard be he or she yet. If I somehow missed that, please slap me. If you have not yet revealed it, I look forward to discovering. See? You have me anxiously awaiting more of your story.
Your writing seems much better and the run on sentences are almost gone. Take a look at this one though:
QUOTE
The door was made of thick iron bars and there was a small window high up on the wall opposite the door, {I recommend break the sentence here} it did nothing to clear the air and only a small amount of light made it through.
This is wonderful. I know the dialogue is from the game, but the bold part is beautiful.
QUOTE
“Hey lizard, it must break your heart to be so close to the water, knowing that you’ll never get to swim again…” A smirk played across his thin lips.
I see you also did some looking into speech tag punctuation.
My goodness, I am laboring on about your technical stuff. I suppose mostly because I am so impressed by your sharp learning curve here. You definitely 'get it' about show vs tell.
Now, the story: I like it a lot. I must confess a weakness for accounts of other players going through the game of Oblivion. I am always fascinated by the perspectives their character see, and the differences the writer brings to familiar things. So, this seems to be my kind of story.
I like how you are not pushing details of your poor Argonian at us in a rapid manner, but letting your character reaveal themself to us. Hmm, do you notice that I'm referring to your character in a gender neutral manner? Indeed, I can't say if your lizard be he or she yet. If I somehow missed that, please slap me. If you have not yet revealed it, I look forward to discovering. See? You have me anxiously awaiting more of your story.
As Acadian said, much better on the technical bits this time around. The only nits I saw were the same two that he already brought up.
The story itself I continue to like. Ha-Rei is the kind of protagonist I like. Someone who is not super-powered, but rather a very down to water Argonian. The kind of person that is easy to relate to, and feel sympathy for.
One thing I did notice is that we have not seen Ha-Rei's name in the actual story yet. I hope we will be seeing it soon (and a description of her/him). One of the problems with using 1st Person is that it is very difficult to do that without it seeming forced. Usually it has to come out either in dialogue with others, self-refection, or even a flashback.
The story itself I continue to like. Ha-Rei is the kind of protagonist I like. Someone who is not super-powered, but rather a very down to water Argonian. The kind of person that is easy to relate to, and feel sympathy for.
One thing I did notice is that we have not seen Ha-Rei's name in the actual story yet. I hope we will be seeing it soon (and a description of her/him). One of the problems with using 1st Person is that it is very difficult to do that without it seeming forced. Usually it has to come out either in dialogue with others, self-refection, or even a flashback.
Late to the party, as usual...
I completely endorse what the two excellent reader/writers above have said. You do a great job of "personalizing" the opening sequences- not an easy task given the "one size fits all" nature of this part of the game.
I completely endorse what the two excellent reader/writers above have said. You do a great job of "personalizing" the opening sequences- not an easy task given the "one size fits all" nature of this part of the game.
@ all: such wonderful praise from such wonderful writers as yourselves. 
chapter 1.2
I needed a weapon. Any weapon. The red robed corpses carried nothing but their robes. The Breton! She carried two swords, a curved longsword and a steel shortsword. Both weapons fitted perfectly onto a belt one of the robes was carrying. Now to find an exit.
A search of the room revealed a section of the wall with several bricks missing. I used the shortsword as a lever and the whole wall crumbled, revealing a room with a door at the far end.
On the left hand side of the room I found a pile of bones with some tattered leather armour, some lockpicks, a bow and a quiver with a few arrows.
I had some basic bow and blade skills from hanging around the fighters guild in Leyawiin. At first I went for food but my fighting skills gradually improved. The guild members would always have lots of spare time and I was welcome to spar with them, especially S'kasha. She loved teaching marksmanship skills to me and Amusei. We'd come to the Imperial City to join the thieves guild. I'd been here for ten minutes before I got arrested.
I shook my head. I needed to get out of here first.
After putting on the leather cuirass and securing the best of the arrows on my hip I was ready to proceed. Picking open the locked door at the end of the room I tightened the bow string and crept forward into the darkness.
Eventually I emerged into a large cavern. My eyes scanned the area from the safety of the shadows. Four goblins and some rats.
The closest goblin was to my left and only one arrow was needed. The next goblin was to my right and again fell to my first arrow.
Another goblin was in a large pit in the centre of the cavern, a pen in front of him held three rats prisoner. On closer inspection I found a rock tied to some string above the pit.
Sneaking forward, I pulled the string gently and the door of rat pen swung open. I retreated out of the cave as the goblins and rats began to fight each other. The sounds of claw, tooth, steel and magic echoed through the caves.
When everything was quiet again I crept back into the cave. Only one goblin remained but it was taller than the others and carried a large staff. A shaman. Its back was turned to me and I saw my opportunity.
Remembering my marksman training from S'kasha; I nocked an arrow and drew it to half tension, aiming slightly above the creature I drew it to full tension and released. The arrow struck home but only staggered the shaman.
The goblin spun round, an arrow protruding from its thin chest. The Shaman's staff lowered towards me and a bolt of lightning slammed into my left shoulder. I winced at the pain and the scent of charred flesh. The bow slipped from my grasp.
The goblin lowered the staff again but I was ready. I skipped to the side of the lightning and drew my sword. The beast was relentless in its assault but I kept dodging attacks until the staff stopped, out of charge.
I ran forward at the now unprotected goblin and sank the curved blade of the longsword into the creature’s neck. Warm blood cascaded over the limp green body. I stabbed my sword into its chest to be sure it was dead.
My legs started shaking and I sat down on the floor. Before now I had never killed anything with a bow.
The wound on my shoulder throbbed. The flesh was charred and the leather of the cuirass had been completely destroyed.
The Shaman's robe provided the material I needed to cover my shoulder but it was still badly burned so using a bow was out of the question. I would have to make do with the sword. It looked quite valuable, perhaps I could sell it when I escaped. If I escaped.
The tunnel ahead gradually changed from the damp, earthy cave to the grey bricks like the ones in my prison cell. The exit must be near.
I was alerted to voices ahead and crept forward. The emperor and his bodyguards stood in the centre of a small room, surrounded by more red robed corpses. Relief washed over my body. I would be safer with the Emperor.
I dropped down into the room. Ignoring the looks of the bodyguards. The Emperor turned to talk to me, his calm eyes surveying the thin and slightly roasted street beggar before him.
"They cannot understand why I trust you, but you must help us," His voice was still as smooth and welcoming as before.
"How can I help?" I asked.
"Do you know the Nine?" His eyes studied me carefully.
"Well, I'm not really a chapel person," I could tell that he wasn't impressed with my answer but he carried on talking about the gods and his own death.
"Sire," The Redguard interrupted. "We have to keep moving." The Emperor nodded and the group moved on, this time I was allowed to follow if I held the torch. I gladly accepted the burden and took to my role of torch-bearer with vigour and determination. The torchlight glinted off the armour of the Bodyguards, and the assassins.
The assassins posed no threat to me or the Emperor as the two guards were skilled with their blades. One assassin nearly got me but it seems the Emperor isn't too shabby either, his silver shortsword nearly cut the assassin in two!
Soon enough though we reached a dead end.
A door creaked in the room behind us.
"Wait here with the Emperor, guard him with your life!" The Redguard's voice told me that this wasn't a request and the two guards left the room to face the assassins.
The Emperor turned to talk once more, this time his voice was desperate and his eyes wide.
"My guards are strong and true, but even the might of the Blades cannot stand against the Power that rises to destroy us. The Prince of Destruction awakes, born anew in blood and fire. These cutthroats are but his mortal pawns." He pressed something into my hand and closed my fist around it. "Take my Amulet. Give it to Jauffre. I have a secret son, and Jauffre alone knows where to find him." He stepped away from me as I tried to speak.
"But...wh..." My voice shook and my words stopped. The Emperor began to speak again.
"Find the last of my blood, and close shut the marble jaws of Oblivion." He closed his eyes as a section of the wall disappeared, revealing an assassin. The barbed mace struck the Emperor's head with a sickening crack.
The assassin turned to me but was intercepted and dispatched by a figure to my right. One of the bodyguards. The Redguard.
"We've failed...I've failed." The soldier's voice was weak as he held the Emperor in his arms. He turned to me. "The amulet, where's the amulet?" he asked.
"The Emperor gave it to m-me. I have to t-take it to J-Jauffre." My voice still had not recovered from the shock.
"Grandmaster Jauffre. He lives as a monk at Weynon Priory, near Chorrol." He explained. "The amulet will be safe there."
"I'm sorry..." I had no idea what to say to him.
"It wasn't your fault, I'll need you to sign something. We don't want you getting arrested for jail breaking," He took out a quill and ink well from beneath his cuirass and quickly wrote up a document of pardon. "What's your name sir?"
"Haa-Rei," I replied
"What is your class?" The Redguard smiled at my confused look. "Your profession?"
I decided against saying 'Beggar' but that is all I had ever done. I thought of a conversation I had had with Deeh. He spoke of my father in Black Marsh. Before the Dunmer had taken my parents away, my father was a 'Marsh Ranger'. Mercenaries hired by the Empire to patrol Black Marsh and protect merchants.
"Marsh Ranger" I said.
"I wasn't far of. A few goblins and rats won't give you any trouble." His face creased into a wide smile.
"This key opens the door ahead, after that you'll need to go through the sewers. I'll wait with the Emperor's body until help arrives." He motioned towards the hole in the wall. "Good luck, sir."
I handed over the Breton's curved blade in return for the key to the sewers and fifteen gold coins. I set off slowly with the steel shortsword ready. I couldn't believe what had just happened, or if it had happened at all. Marsh Ranger. The words echoed in my head. Sounds dangerous, so do the goblins.
The way out was easy to find and I managed to sneak past two goblins. Even a Marsh Ranger knows when he's outmatched. Within minutes I was outside. Standing before a large lake. Alone again.
chapter 1.2
I needed a weapon. Any weapon. The red robed corpses carried nothing but their robes. The Breton! She carried two swords, a curved longsword and a steel shortsword. Both weapons fitted perfectly onto a belt one of the robes was carrying. Now to find an exit.
A search of the room revealed a section of the wall with several bricks missing. I used the shortsword as a lever and the whole wall crumbled, revealing a room with a door at the far end.
On the left hand side of the room I found a pile of bones with some tattered leather armour, some lockpicks, a bow and a quiver with a few arrows.
I had some basic bow and blade skills from hanging around the fighters guild in Leyawiin. At first I went for food but my fighting skills gradually improved. The guild members would always have lots of spare time and I was welcome to spar with them, especially S'kasha. She loved teaching marksmanship skills to me and Amusei. We'd come to the Imperial City to join the thieves guild. I'd been here for ten minutes before I got arrested.
I shook my head. I needed to get out of here first.
After putting on the leather cuirass and securing the best of the arrows on my hip I was ready to proceed. Picking open the locked door at the end of the room I tightened the bow string and crept forward into the darkness.
Eventually I emerged into a large cavern. My eyes scanned the area from the safety of the shadows. Four goblins and some rats.
The closest goblin was to my left and only one arrow was needed. The next goblin was to my right and again fell to my first arrow.
Another goblin was in a large pit in the centre of the cavern, a pen in front of him held three rats prisoner. On closer inspection I found a rock tied to some string above the pit.
Sneaking forward, I pulled the string gently and the door of rat pen swung open. I retreated out of the cave as the goblins and rats began to fight each other. The sounds of claw, tooth, steel and magic echoed through the caves.
When everything was quiet again I crept back into the cave. Only one goblin remained but it was taller than the others and carried a large staff. A shaman. Its back was turned to me and I saw my opportunity.
Remembering my marksman training from S'kasha; I nocked an arrow and drew it to half tension, aiming slightly above the creature I drew it to full tension and released. The arrow struck home but only staggered the shaman.
The goblin spun round, an arrow protruding from its thin chest. The Shaman's staff lowered towards me and a bolt of lightning slammed into my left shoulder. I winced at the pain and the scent of charred flesh. The bow slipped from my grasp.
The goblin lowered the staff again but I was ready. I skipped to the side of the lightning and drew my sword. The beast was relentless in its assault but I kept dodging attacks until the staff stopped, out of charge.
I ran forward at the now unprotected goblin and sank the curved blade of the longsword into the creature’s neck. Warm blood cascaded over the limp green body. I stabbed my sword into its chest to be sure it was dead.
My legs started shaking and I sat down on the floor. Before now I had never killed anything with a bow.
The wound on my shoulder throbbed. The flesh was charred and the leather of the cuirass had been completely destroyed.
The Shaman's robe provided the material I needed to cover my shoulder but it was still badly burned so using a bow was out of the question. I would have to make do with the sword. It looked quite valuable, perhaps I could sell it when I escaped. If I escaped.
The tunnel ahead gradually changed from the damp, earthy cave to the grey bricks like the ones in my prison cell. The exit must be near.
I was alerted to voices ahead and crept forward. The emperor and his bodyguards stood in the centre of a small room, surrounded by more red robed corpses. Relief washed over my body. I would be safer with the Emperor.
I dropped down into the room. Ignoring the looks of the bodyguards. The Emperor turned to talk to me, his calm eyes surveying the thin and slightly roasted street beggar before him.
"They cannot understand why I trust you, but you must help us," His voice was still as smooth and welcoming as before.
"How can I help?" I asked.
"Do you know the Nine?" His eyes studied me carefully.
"Well, I'm not really a chapel person," I could tell that he wasn't impressed with my answer but he carried on talking about the gods and his own death.
"Sire," The Redguard interrupted. "We have to keep moving." The Emperor nodded and the group moved on, this time I was allowed to follow if I held the torch. I gladly accepted the burden and took to my role of torch-bearer with vigour and determination. The torchlight glinted off the armour of the Bodyguards, and the assassins.
The assassins posed no threat to me or the Emperor as the two guards were skilled with their blades. One assassin nearly got me but it seems the Emperor isn't too shabby either, his silver shortsword nearly cut the assassin in two!
Soon enough though we reached a dead end.
A door creaked in the room behind us.
"Wait here with the Emperor, guard him with your life!" The Redguard's voice told me that this wasn't a request and the two guards left the room to face the assassins.
The Emperor turned to talk once more, this time his voice was desperate and his eyes wide.
"My guards are strong and true, but even the might of the Blades cannot stand against the Power that rises to destroy us. The Prince of Destruction awakes, born anew in blood and fire. These cutthroats are but his mortal pawns." He pressed something into my hand and closed my fist around it. "Take my Amulet. Give it to Jauffre. I have a secret son, and Jauffre alone knows where to find him." He stepped away from me as I tried to speak.
"But...wh..." My voice shook and my words stopped. The Emperor began to speak again.
"Find the last of my blood, and close shut the marble jaws of Oblivion." He closed his eyes as a section of the wall disappeared, revealing an assassin. The barbed mace struck the Emperor's head with a sickening crack.
The assassin turned to me but was intercepted and dispatched by a figure to my right. One of the bodyguards. The Redguard.
"We've failed...I've failed." The soldier's voice was weak as he held the Emperor in his arms. He turned to me. "The amulet, where's the amulet?" he asked.
"The Emperor gave it to m-me. I have to t-take it to J-Jauffre." My voice still had not recovered from the shock.
"Grandmaster Jauffre. He lives as a monk at Weynon Priory, near Chorrol." He explained. "The amulet will be safe there."
"I'm sorry..." I had no idea what to say to him.
"It wasn't your fault, I'll need you to sign something. We don't want you getting arrested for jail breaking," He took out a quill and ink well from beneath his cuirass and quickly wrote up a document of pardon. "What's your name sir?"
"Haa-Rei," I replied
"What is your class?" The Redguard smiled at my confused look. "Your profession?"
I decided against saying 'Beggar' but that is all I had ever done. I thought of a conversation I had had with Deeh. He spoke of my father in Black Marsh. Before the Dunmer had taken my parents away, my father was a 'Marsh Ranger'. Mercenaries hired by the Empire to patrol Black Marsh and protect merchants.
"Marsh Ranger" I said.
"I wasn't far of. A few goblins and rats won't give you any trouble." His face creased into a wide smile.
"This key opens the door ahead, after that you'll need to go through the sewers. I'll wait with the Emperor's body until help arrives." He motioned towards the hole in the wall. "Good luck, sir."
I handed over the Breton's curved blade in return for the key to the sewers and fifteen gold coins. I set off slowly with the steel shortsword ready. I couldn't believe what had just happened, or if it had happened at all. Marsh Ranger. The words echoed in my head. Sounds dangerous, so do the goblins.
The way out was easy to find and I managed to sneak past two goblins. Even a Marsh Ranger knows when he's outmatched. Within minutes I was outside. Standing before a large lake. Alone again.
I thoroughly enjoyed Haa-Rei's trials of the tutorial. Well done! Escaped, and alone again now.
Hmm, I'm still wondering if Haa-Rei is a he or she lizard.
Although I am delighted with how your story is developing, this chapter seemed to sprout some nit type errors. Multiple edits before posting are what help me to reduce those pesky nits.
Hmm, I'm still wondering if Haa-Rei is a he or she lizard.
QUOTE
After putting on the leather cuirass and securing the best of the arrows on my left hip I was ready to proceed.
Ah, I see you are of the arrow bag on the hip instead of quiver upon the back persuasion. A fine choice. The typical bag-using right-handed archer holds the bow in their left hand and takes arrows from a bag on their right hip. Is Haa-Rei left handed, or perhaps reaching across the body to grab arrows, or possibly simply trying to arrange things around the two blades he is carrying? Although I am delighted with how your story is developing, this chapter seemed to sprout some nit type errors. Multiple edits before posting are what help me to reduce those pesky nits.
QUOTE
When everything was quite again I crept back into the cave.
quietQUOTE
It’s back was turned to me and I saw my opportunity.
Its (its = possessive; it's = it is)QUOTE
Remembering my marksman training from [NAME HERE] ;
Incomplete edit. Using a different color or highlighting such things in your drafts can make them easier to not overlook.QUOTE
I stabbed by sword into it's chest to be sure it was dead.
my / itsQUOTE
The Shamans robe provided the material I needed to cover my shoulder but it was still badly burned so using a bow was out of the question.
Shaman'sQUOTE
The soldiers voice was weak as he held the Emperor in his arms.
soldier's
Haa-Rei continues to be an interesting character. In this segment s/he turns into quite the fighter, which was a bit surprising after the first post, where he seemed much less sure of himself, and less eager to rush into battle. It would have felt smoother if there was something to trigger that transformation, like nearly being killed by a rat that jumped out of the shadows and forced him to reach down to find that cold killer.
It also seems a bit rushed. Everything moves so quickly that we do not really experience much of what Haa-Rei is thinking or feeling. That is not really a nit, just an observation, and all really a question on what you want to concentrate on in your writing: advancing the plot or character development.
nits:
Lots of little grammar and spelling issues. As Acadian said, doing some edits before posting would probably reduce most of this. I typically do 3-4 extra drafts after I have finished my first draft (which is writing a piece all the way from start to finish). In each draft I read through the entire thing, looking for issues with spelling, grammar, and of course make sure every event on my outline made it in the story. I do each draft a day apart, because unless I take that 24 hour break, I will simply not see the mistakes.
I knocked an arrow to my bow and drew it to half tension
That would be nocked. Using it in that form, you do not need to say "to my bow", "nocked an arrow" is a common way of putting it.
aiming slightly above the Creature I drew it to full tension and released
creature ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun.
The same is true of shaman, it is not a proper noun either, so ought to be lowercase.
"They cannot understand why I trust you, but you must help us,"
This needs a comma where I inserted it. As a good rule of thumb, when you read a sentence and want to draw another breath, that is where you want a comma or period.
The assassins posed no threat to me or the Emperor as the Two guards
two should be lowercase here.
The Barbed mace struck the Emperor's head
same with barbed.
It also seems a bit rushed. Everything moves so quickly that we do not really experience much of what Haa-Rei is thinking or feeling. That is not really a nit, just an observation, and all really a question on what you want to concentrate on in your writing: advancing the plot or character development.
nits:
Lots of little grammar and spelling issues. As Acadian said, doing some edits before posting would probably reduce most of this. I typically do 3-4 extra drafts after I have finished my first draft (which is writing a piece all the way from start to finish). In each draft I read through the entire thing, looking for issues with spelling, grammar, and of course make sure every event on my outline made it in the story. I do each draft a day apart, because unless I take that 24 hour break, I will simply not see the mistakes.
I knocked an arrow to my bow and drew it to half tension
That would be nocked. Using it in that form, you do not need to say "to my bow", "nocked an arrow" is a common way of putting it.
aiming slightly above the Creature I drew it to full tension and released
creature ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun.
The same is true of shaman, it is not a proper noun either, so ought to be lowercase.
"They cannot understand why I trust you, but you must help us,"
This needs a comma where I inserted it. As a good rule of thumb, when you read a sentence and want to draw another breath, that is where you want a comma or period.
The assassins posed no threat to me or the Emperor as the Two guards
two should be lowercase here.
The Barbed mace struck the Emperor's head
same with barbed.
Chapter 1.1
I am in complete agreement with everything that Acadian, ‘Rosa, and trey said. Your descriptions were solid, and the dialogue flowed naturally. My only (miniscule) nit would be here:
Whenever you refer to the Nine as deities they should be capitalized. See . . . miniscule.
Chapter 1.2
Hmmm, marksman training from someone named S’Kasha. A Khajiit? Would it be too great a leap to infer that, before Haa-Rei was a beggar, he (or she, now that Acadian has brought it up, and I can’t get it out of my mind ) spent some form of his/her developing years in Leyawiin? Somehow the thought of an Argonian and a Khajiit being friends in a place where the two races are constantly at each other’s throats appeals to me.
I love the irony that Haa-Rei can no longer use a rusted iron bow and has to ‘make do’ with an Akaviri katana.
I am in complete agreement with everything that Acadian, ‘Rosa, and trey said. Your descriptions were solid, and the dialogue flowed naturally. My only (miniscule) nit would be here:
QUOTE
“I serve Tamriel as her ruler, by the grace of the nine.”
Whenever you refer to the Nine as deities they should be capitalized. See . . . miniscule.
Chapter 1.2
Hmmm, marksman training from someone named S’Kasha. A Khajiit? Would it be too great a leap to infer that, before Haa-Rei was a beggar, he (or she, now that Acadian has brought it up, and I can’t get it out of my mind
) spent some form of his/her developing years in Leyawiin? Somehow the thought of an Argonian and a Khajiit being friends in a place where the two races are constantly at each other’s throats appeals to me.I love the irony that Haa-Rei can no longer use a rusted iron bow and has to ‘make do’ with an Akaviri katana.
I've just done a quick edit to solve the some of the nits and to answer the gender question.
Nice edits, and well-worth a reread! So, the Marsh Ranger Haa-Rei is a he-lizard! Wonderful. 
Agreed, the extra bits do fill things in. Haa-Rei being pals with Amusei is a brilliant touch! He is one of my favorite Argonians. The Marsh Rangers are a great idea, and excellent way of tying that to Haa-Rei's father.
QUOTE
Marsh Ranger. The words echoed in my head. Sounds dangerous, so do the goblins.
QUOTE
I managed to sneak past two goblins. Even a Marsh Ranger knows when he's outmatched.
I pulled those two quotes because they highlight one of the things I love- dry humor. And the closing sentence of the installment tells us a great deal about our young "Marsh Ranger." It will be a joy to watch this Argonian as he ventures out into the world.
Now this one I will LOVE !!! Oblivion, YEAH!!!
@Acadian & SubRosa- I'm glad you liked the re-write.
@SubRosa- we'll be seeing more of Amusei later
@Destri- Yep, Haa-Rei arrived in Leyawiin straight from Black Marsh. He met lots of his friends there.
@Trey- Thanks dawg, such wonderful praise is most welcome
@mALX-YEAH!!! I'm busy reading through maxical's adventures so I hope I will be able to return the praise.
Chapter 2.0
I looked at my reflection in the waters of Lake Rumare. The purple and green scales on my face were a pale grey. I looked awful. How long had I been in those sewers?
The white stones of an Ayleid ruin were reflected in the deep azure, giving the illusion of an underwater city. I looked towards the ruins that stood on the far side of the lake. The once grand structure had been reduced to rubble. White stones were now grey and weathered after years of disuse. I’d never been in an Ayleid ruin before, too dangerous. I smiled inwardly and marked the ruin on my map.
I set off at a brisk walk, following the walls of the city. The gate wasn’t hard to find and I arrived a few hours later. Much to my surprise, the guard smiled and let me through. I had half expected them to arrest me for my recent prison escape. That Redguard must have said something to the watch captain.
The streets of the Talos plaza were full of people, most were merchants headed to the market district. I took the road to the Temple district and then on to the Waterfront. I had some people I needed to see.
The Waterfront wasn’t nearly as busy. A few people carried supplies to the various ships that were moored in the harbour. The brothels were closed during the day so guards had no reason to be here.
I walked across the bridge and through to the housing area. The tumble-down wooden shacks were arranged in two lines of five. People who were unemployed and thieves lived here. Most of my friends in the city lived here.
“Me children will thank ye’ fer ye’ help,” The figure clad in rags grabbed my arm.
“Methredhel, you don’t have any children. A good actor though,” I said as the Bosmer stood up and grinned.
She took off her rag cloak, revealing a set of leather armor. An iron mace hung at her left hip.
“I thought it was very convincing,” She started giggling.
“Just stick to thievery,” I smiled “Where’s Amusei?”
“He needs to steal a diary from Amantius Alectus for the thieves’ guild test.” She reached into a bag at her shoulder. “This diary,” She laughed again.
“Hmmm,” Was my reply as I walked over to pack up my bedroll. “If you see him, tell him I’ve gone to Chorrol.”
“Chorrol?” She raised an eyebrow.
“It’s hard to explain, I’ll tell you when I get back.” I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about the Emperor yet.
I said goodbye and set off, allowing my feet to take me through the crowds until I reached the city gates. A guard looked me up and down.
“Going far this evening?” The guard's question had surprised me. It didn’t end with the word ‘Pondscum’.
“I’m heading to Chorrol,” I stood up straight. I like to think the guard felt intimidated.
“You won’t make it to Chorrol tonight, there is a small village called Weye at the end of the imperial bridge where you can stay.” The guard smiled and opened the gate.
I spent the next half hour travelling across the imperial bridge, the stones hurt my feet and I was desperately hungry.
The village of Weye was small, consisting of the inn and a few stone houses. A small vegetable patch was next to the stables. Several horses were munching hay in their stalls.
The smell of wine and ale welcomed me as I stepped into the inn. The rather attractive Altmer innkeeper sold me a room for the night along with some cheese and bread. I now had no money at all. That’s more like it.
There was an empty table in the corner so I sat down with my meal. The bread and cheese made me thirsty but I had no money for a drink. A voice to my left interrupted my thoughts.
“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” It was a Bosmer. He was dressed in tan robes and carried a bottle of wine.
“Not at all,” I motioned to the empty seat.
“My name is Gaeleg, pleased to meet you,” He smiled and poured me some wine. His bronze skin was framed with thick brown hair. His eyes were a strange yellow colour, he reminded me of a khajiit.
“Well met Gaeleg. My name is Haa-Rei,” I took a sip of the wine. I’ve always liked Wood Elves, such kind people.
The next few hours were spent drinking wine and chatting to my new friend. He was also on his way to Chorrol and convinced me to visit the Mages Guild with him. He talked about his home in Valenwood and listened as I talked about Black Marsh. After the wine had been finished off I went to bed, Gaeleg would meet me for breakfast.
After wrestling with my leather armor I decided on a bath. I heated the water with stones from the fireplace and carefully slid my body into the copper tub. The water soothed my burned shoulder and I could feel the dirt and grime washing away. Sleep took hold and I drifted of into dreams of my home land.
I woke up fully submerged in the cold water which had gone through a distinct colour change. After looking in the small mirror on the bedside table, I found that the purple and green scales on my face were back. Much better.
Gaeleg had already ordered breakfast and was tucking in to a plate of eggs and ham. My stomach growled to announce my arrival.
“Hail friend, you sound hungry.” He smiled and waved to the seat next to him. “Please, help yourself,”
Without hesitation I sat down and tucked into some cooked ham. “Thanks Gaeleg, remind me to buy you lunch one day,” We both started laughing.
After our hearty breakfast we set off for Chorrol. I stared open mouthed at the trees of the great forest whose branches interlocked like a roof above us. Deer skipped through the undergrowth as we passed. Gaeleg said it reminded him of Valenwood.
Just over an hour after we had set off from Weye, we reached the gates of Chorrol. Gaeleg immediately said his goodbyes before heading off to the mages guild. I agreed to meet him there later on. I went to ask a nearby guard for directions.
“Can I help you, sir?” The guard was dressed in full chainmail armor; the great oak of Chorrol was emblazoned on the cuirass.
“Oh, I’m looking for Weynon Priory,” I explained.
“It’s just south of the city. Take the road until you come to a fork, head left and you can’t miss it.” He nodded before turning back to his patrol.
Fifteen minutes later I arrived at the small settlement of Weynon. The priory house was directly in front of me, flanked on either side by small vegetable plots and cottages. Several people wandered around carrying various food stuffs to the chapel and the Priory house. A Dunmer dressed in the attire of a blacksmith walked over to me.
“Greetings, how can I help?” He sounded friendly enough.
“I’m looking for Jauffre,” It was at that moment that I realized I knew nothing about this Jauffre fellow, thankfully the Dunmer did.
“He’s in the priory house, probably reading.” I gave the Dunmer a nod and walked towards the settlement’s central building. It didn’t look that important. Who was this Jauffre anyway? A warrior? There was only one way to find out.
@SubRosa- we'll be seeing more of Amusei later
@Destri- Yep, Haa-Rei arrived in Leyawiin straight from Black Marsh. He met lots of his friends there.
@Trey- Thanks dawg, such wonderful praise is most welcome
@mALX-YEAH!!! I'm busy reading through maxical's adventures so I hope I will be able to return the praise.
Chapter 2.0
I looked at my reflection in the waters of Lake Rumare. The purple and green scales on my face were a pale grey. I looked awful. How long had I been in those sewers?
The white stones of an Ayleid ruin were reflected in the deep azure, giving the illusion of an underwater city. I looked towards the ruins that stood on the far side of the lake. The once grand structure had been reduced to rubble. White stones were now grey and weathered after years of disuse. I’d never been in an Ayleid ruin before, too dangerous. I smiled inwardly and marked the ruin on my map.
I set off at a brisk walk, following the walls of the city. The gate wasn’t hard to find and I arrived a few hours later. Much to my surprise, the guard smiled and let me through. I had half expected them to arrest me for my recent prison escape. That Redguard must have said something to the watch captain.
The streets of the Talos plaza were full of people, most were merchants headed to the market district. I took the road to the Temple district and then on to the Waterfront. I had some people I needed to see.
The Waterfront wasn’t nearly as busy. A few people carried supplies to the various ships that were moored in the harbour. The brothels were closed during the day so guards had no reason to be here.
I walked across the bridge and through to the housing area. The tumble-down wooden shacks were arranged in two lines of five. People who were unemployed and thieves lived here. Most of my friends in the city lived here.
“Me children will thank ye’ fer ye’ help,” The figure clad in rags grabbed my arm.
“Methredhel, you don’t have any children. A good actor though,” I said as the Bosmer stood up and grinned.
She took off her rag cloak, revealing a set of leather armor. An iron mace hung at her left hip.
“I thought it was very convincing,” She started giggling.
“Just stick to thievery,” I smiled “Where’s Amusei?”
“He needs to steal a diary from Amantius Alectus for the thieves’ guild test.” She reached into a bag at her shoulder. “This diary,” She laughed again.
“Hmmm,” Was my reply as I walked over to pack up my bedroll. “If you see him, tell him I’ve gone to Chorrol.”
“Chorrol?” She raised an eyebrow.
“It’s hard to explain, I’ll tell you when I get back.” I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about the Emperor yet.
I said goodbye and set off, allowing my feet to take me through the crowds until I reached the city gates. A guard looked me up and down.
“Going far this evening?” The guard's question had surprised me. It didn’t end with the word ‘Pondscum’.
“I’m heading to Chorrol,” I stood up straight. I like to think the guard felt intimidated.
“You won’t make it to Chorrol tonight, there is a small village called Weye at the end of the imperial bridge where you can stay.” The guard smiled and opened the gate.
I spent the next half hour travelling across the imperial bridge, the stones hurt my feet and I was desperately hungry.
The village of Weye was small, consisting of the inn and a few stone houses. A small vegetable patch was next to the stables. Several horses were munching hay in their stalls.
The smell of wine and ale welcomed me as I stepped into the inn. The rather attractive Altmer innkeeper sold me a room for the night along with some cheese and bread. I now had no money at all. That’s more like it.
There was an empty table in the corner so I sat down with my meal. The bread and cheese made me thirsty but I had no money for a drink. A voice to my left interrupted my thoughts.
“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” It was a Bosmer. He was dressed in tan robes and carried a bottle of wine.
“Not at all,” I motioned to the empty seat.
“My name is Gaeleg, pleased to meet you,” He smiled and poured me some wine. His bronze skin was framed with thick brown hair. His eyes were a strange yellow colour, he reminded me of a khajiit.
“Well met Gaeleg. My name is Haa-Rei,” I took a sip of the wine. I’ve always liked Wood Elves, such kind people.
The next few hours were spent drinking wine and chatting to my new friend. He was also on his way to Chorrol and convinced me to visit the Mages Guild with him. He talked about his home in Valenwood and listened as I talked about Black Marsh. After the wine had been finished off I went to bed, Gaeleg would meet me for breakfast.
After wrestling with my leather armor I decided on a bath. I heated the water with stones from the fireplace and carefully slid my body into the copper tub. The water soothed my burned shoulder and I could feel the dirt and grime washing away. Sleep took hold and I drifted of into dreams of my home land.
I woke up fully submerged in the cold water which had gone through a distinct colour change. After looking in the small mirror on the bedside table, I found that the purple and green scales on my face were back. Much better.
Gaeleg had already ordered breakfast and was tucking in to a plate of eggs and ham. My stomach growled to announce my arrival.
“Hail friend, you sound hungry.” He smiled and waved to the seat next to him. “Please, help yourself,”
Without hesitation I sat down and tucked into some cooked ham. “Thanks Gaeleg, remind me to buy you lunch one day,” We both started laughing.
After our hearty breakfast we set off for Chorrol. I stared open mouthed at the trees of the great forest whose branches interlocked like a roof above us. Deer skipped through the undergrowth as we passed. Gaeleg said it reminded him of Valenwood.
Just over an hour after we had set off from Weye, we reached the gates of Chorrol. Gaeleg immediately said his goodbyes before heading off to the mages guild. I agreed to meet him there later on. I went to ask a nearby guard for directions.
“Can I help you, sir?” The guard was dressed in full chainmail armor; the great oak of Chorrol was emblazoned on the cuirass.
“Oh, I’m looking for Weynon Priory,” I explained.
“It’s just south of the city. Take the road until you come to a fork, head left and you can’t miss it.” He nodded before turning back to his patrol.
Fifteen minutes later I arrived at the small settlement of Weynon. The priory house was directly in front of me, flanked on either side by small vegetable plots and cottages. Several people wandered around carrying various food stuffs to the chapel and the Priory house. A Dunmer dressed in the attire of a blacksmith walked over to me.
“Greetings, how can I help?” He sounded friendly enough.
“I’m looking for Jauffre,” It was at that moment that I realized I knew nothing about this Jauffre fellow, thankfully the Dunmer did.
“He’s in the priory house, probably reading.” I gave the Dunmer a nod and walked towards the settlement’s central building. It didn’t look that important. Who was this Jauffre anyway? A warrior? There was only one way to find out.
First let me apologize for not posting sooner. I have been reading this, honest!
Now I see the vast improvement between the first post and the subsequent chapters. Taking your time to describe the environment (both internal and external) and to develop the characters, as well as edit your rough draft, is really paying off here. It is here in this post that your story is beginning to seize my interest and hold it. I'm getting a distinct 'taste' of your character, and of the world he lives in.
Keep it up! I'm liking the direction you're taking this very much!
Now I see the vast improvement between the first post and the subsequent chapters. Taking your time to describe the environment (both internal and external) and to develop the characters, as well as edit your rough draft, is really paying off here. It is here in this post that your story is beginning to seize my interest and hold it. I'm getting a distinct 'taste' of your character, and of the world he lives in.
Keep it up! I'm liking the direction you're taking this very much!
This is fabulous! I love that you are taking the time to develop our scaly friend. Gosh, there's so much to like here -
Great description of the Waterfront and what a clever way to run into Methredhel and learn what Amusei is up to.
I loved everything about the bath and Haa-Rei's copper bathtub/bed - how very wonderfully Argonian!
How neat that he met a Bosmer - and likes him! Seems like a nice friend. I look forward to perhaps learning more regarding his later link up at the Chorrol Mages Guild.
QUOTE
I’d never been in an Ayleid ruin before, too dangerous.
Yep, smart lizard! I agree.Great description of the Waterfront and what a clever way to run into Methredhel and learn what Amusei is up to.
QUOTE
“Going far this evening?” The guards question had surprised me. It didn’t end with the word ‘Pondscum’.
Two comments here. First, it is brilliant in what seems to be your superb ability with quietly stated dry humor. Secondly, you want to edit guards to the singular possessive form - guard's.I loved everything about the bath and Haa-Rei's copper bathtub/bed - how very wonderfully Argonian!
How neat that he met a Bosmer - and likes him! Seems like a nice friend. I look forward to perhaps learning more regarding his later link up at the Chorrol Mages Guild.
I have to agree with Hauty, your descriptions are wonderful and bring the story to life visually to the reader! Great Write!
Still reading and still enjoying your story. One of the things I especially like is how you make things new through Haa-Rei's eyes. And the small touches, such as sleeping in the tub and checking the color of his scales, really make the story your own.
I thought that was a good touch when Haa-Rei looked at his reflection and found his scales were grey. That is an excellent way to portray the health of an Argonian.
“Methredhel, you don’t have any children. A good actor though,”
Gaeleg was certainly a friendly fellow. And surprisingly sane, considering he is a male Bosmer! Sorry, could not resist the barb, considering how high-strung that Bethesda tends to portray them.
Falling asleep in the tub was an excellent touch. I really enjoy seeing the extra bit of effort you are going to in writing an Argonian character, by playing to the differences in physiology. It always seemed odd to me in the game how they and the Khajiit are so much like everyone else (wearing the same clothes, eating the same food, keeping the same schedules, etc...). For example, if Khajiit are anything like cats, then they would be sleeping about 18 hours a day. Likewise, if Argonians are like crocs and other reptiles, they can sit absolutely still for extremely long periods.
nits:
The white stones of an Ayleid ruin were reflected in the deep azure
Did you mean to say "deep azure waters" perhaps?
“Methredhel, you don’t have any children. A good actor though,”
Gaeleg was certainly a friendly fellow. And surprisingly sane, considering he is a male Bosmer!
Sorry, could not resist the barb, considering how high-strung that Bethesda tends to portray them. Falling asleep in the tub was an excellent touch. I really enjoy seeing the extra bit of effort you are going to in writing an Argonian character, by playing to the differences in physiology. It always seemed odd to me in the game how they and the Khajiit are so much like everyone else (wearing the same clothes, eating the same food, keeping the same schedules, etc...). For example, if Khajiit are anything like cats, then they would be sleeping about 18 hours a day. Likewise, if Argonians are like crocs and other reptiles, they can sit absolutely still for extremely long periods.
nits:
The white stones of an Ayleid ruin were reflected in the deep azure
Did you mean to say "deep azure waters" perhaps?
@Haute: I'm glad you like it, good to know you're reading this.
@Acadian: Thanks, I'm sick of annoying male Bosmer so I decided to take a stand. Female Bosmer aren't as weird.
@mALX: Thanks mALX!
@Trey: thankyou very much, I'm glad you are enjoying it.
@Rosa: I'm glad you and the other expert writers picked up on the Argonian-ness that I'm trying to show, the game makes them more human than lizard si I'll do the reverse.
@ALL: There may not be another update for a while, I'm starting college next week so I'm gonna be a tad busy.
Chapter 2.0
“Greetings, are you here to see Jauffre?” The old Breton was dressed in black robes and sat next to the door of the Priory house when I arrived. The inside of the Priory was richly decorated with tapestries and carpets. A fireplace warmed the room and food was spread out on a round wooden table.
“Yes, I…” Should I tell him about the amulet, or the Emperor? He could be a spy. Monks don’t wear black robes, do they?
“Another mysterious stranger,” He winked at me, “If you would take a seat, Jauffre will see you shortly.” He turned and walked up the sturdy wooden stairs. I found a comfortable chair next to the fire and sat down.
My gaze drifted to the walls. Rich tapestries depicted great battles and heroes. Several weapons adorned the hearth. There’s more to these monks than meets the eye.
It was an hour or more before the black-robed monk entered the room, he motioned for me to follow him. I paused at the top of the wooden stairs. The room to my left contained several beds, four desks were arranged against the right wall. Monks dressed in white and brown robes sat around reading or scribbling on parchment. One monk sat by the window, staring out over the farmland towards the great forest.
I turned and hurried after my guide. We walked past the kitchen where the smell of fresh bread and succulent lamb drifted throughout the building. I was escorted past another bedroom full of monks, smaller than the other, on our way down a large hallway. The black robed Breton smiled and opened a large wooden door to our left, he then turned and strolled down the hall.
I entered the room to find another monk, in a brown robe, reading at a large wooden desk. His face was wrinkled and framed by thinning grey hair. I cleared my throat to get his attention. He placed his book on the large shelf to his left and turned to me. The room was like an office with lots of books and pieces of parchment. I found it secretly fascinating-if Amusei knew I liked to read I would never hear the end of it.
“I’m brother Jauffre, what do you want?” he asked sharply.
“The Emperor sent me to find you, he told me to give you this,” I warily took the large red amulet out from my ragged cuirass. The monk’s eyes widened quite dramatically.
“Who are you? What do you know about the Emperor’s death?” He demanded.
“I was there when he…” My heart was in my throat, I struggled to continue. “…I was there when he was murdered, he gave me the amulet and told me to tell you to find his son,” I breathed deeply to calm my self, not the best start.
Jauffre gave me a quizzical look but continued in a calm voice, “I believe you, don’t worry. I will dispatch some Blades at once for Kvatch for that is where the Emperor’s son is living. You have done well for yourself, please take this.” He dropped a large purse into my open hand.
“Blades?” I stuttered, although my eyes were glued to the glorious silk pouch in my hand.
“The Emperor's personal guard and agents of the Empire, I am their Grandmaster. This chapter house is home to the Order of Talos, it is where retired Blades come to live in peace and to worship Talos.” He smiled and adjusted his robe, revealing a gleaming sword-the Emperor’s bodyguards in the prison had the same weapons. “Prior Marborel will see you out, good day.” He smiled again.
I turned around to find the black-robed Breton monk standing in the doorway. Presumably this was Prior Marborel. He led me back through the priory house to the front door where he waved goodbye as I walked back to Chorrol. I tried to register what had just happened in my head. Monks. Books. Blades. Money. Kvatch.
I examined the purse Jauffre had given me. There were nearly one hundred septims! Usually I was lucky to have one or two coins in a week. My stomach growled to tell me that I was hungry and my feet ached to tell me I was rather tired. I decided to go and find Gaeleg at the mages guild, they would have food. Then I needed somewhere to sleep.
The mages guild hall was at the north end of town. Like all the other buildings in Chorrol, it was made from sturdy wood from the local area. A mighty oak tree, the symbol of the town, sat in the centre of the northern courtyard, guild halls and expensive houses surrounded it. People dressed in mages robes and armour milled around chatting to each other. I recognised one of the mages.
Gaeleg was in deep conversation with an Argonian; both were dressed in blue robes. The Bosmer smiled and waved me over. He introduced me to the Argonian whose name was Teekeeus; he was the head of the Chorrol chapter. The important thing was that Teekeeus allowed me to join them for lunch in the guild hall.
After having lunch with Gaeleg and Teekeeus I went to visit the chapel. The healer managed to fix my shoulder but said I would have to rest it for a week or so which was fine by me. My armour was still torn and now close to disintegration, I needed to visit the smithy.
Rasheda gasped when she saw my armour and gave me a lecture on how to keep it in good condition, along with a strange mixture that smelled like honey. It turns out that getting hit by the enemy is something most people avoid.
“This leather is almost completely destroyed,” The Redguard shook her head “I can’t fix it but I can give you a new set.”
I paid her for the new armour, it was supple and light with a strange emblem of a boat stitched onto the front. The leather helmet was swapped for a lightweight leather hood. I also purchased a new steel longsword with the money I got for selling the battered steel shortsword I had been using. The smith also recommended visiting ‘The Archer’s Paradox’ in Bravil; she gave me a note for the owner.
“Give this to Daenlin, he’ll understand.” The Redguard smiled at me as I left her shop. The parchment in my hand had one word written on it. Sap.
I didn’t really understand. Sap from a tree? Maybe it was a Redguard thing, or a Bosmer thing.
It was dark by the time I left the smithy. I decided against joining a guild and rented a room at ‘The Oak and Crosier’.
A friendly looking Khajiit greeted me as I approached the bar. She introduced herself as Talasma and sold me a room for the night. I also ordered the dish of the day as I took a seat by the fire.
“Here you go, sir,” The Khajiit was carrying a large bread roll on a plate. She set it down and removed the top, revealing a thick broth. “Chicken broth in a bread bowl, now what will you have to drink?” She smiled and took out a piece of parchment and a quill.
“"Just water please,"” I wasn't too keen on wine and this place looked too fancy to serve tea.
The Khajiit nodded and withdrew back to the bar; her long blue dress flowed behind her like a spring waterfall. I shook my head at the thought and focused on the flames in the hearth, silently devouring the logs and coal. It wasn’t long before Talasma returned with a jug of water and a tall silver glass. After paying the reasonable sum of eight septims I greedily tucked in to my meal. Sophistication was never one of my strong points but I heard Talasma chuckle from behind the bar, I took that as a sign that she didn’t mind and carried on. The broth was thick and creamy with small chunks of chicken and vegetable. The clear water sated my thirst after the meal.
On my way upstairs I thanked Talasma again for the meal. I noticed a small sign above the hall to the bedroom area, it read ‘To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep’. I believed this to be good advice and continued down a short hallway to room number four. The room itself was small, but comfortably so. A thick red carpet covered the wooden floor, heat rising into the room from the bar area below. I took a long bath before going to bed. It occurred to me that I had only ever slept on a bedroll. The warm, crisp sheets on the bed enveloped my body, it was a strange feeling. As I began to relax my mind whirled at the recent events and I eventually slid into the strange world of my dreams.
@Acadian: Thanks, I'm sick of annoying male Bosmer so I decided to take a stand.
Female Bosmer aren't as weird. @mALX: Thanks mALX!
@Trey: thankyou very much, I'm glad you are enjoying it.
@Rosa: I'm glad you and the other expert writers picked up on the Argonian-ness that I'm trying to show, the game makes them more human than lizard si I'll do the reverse.
@ALL: There may not be another update for a while, I'm starting college next week so I'm gonna be a tad busy.
Chapter 2.0
“Greetings, are you here to see Jauffre?” The old Breton was dressed in black robes and sat next to the door of the Priory house when I arrived. The inside of the Priory was richly decorated with tapestries and carpets. A fireplace warmed the room and food was spread out on a round wooden table.
“Yes, I…” Should I tell him about the amulet, or the Emperor? He could be a spy. Monks don’t wear black robes, do they?
“Another mysterious stranger,” He winked at me, “If you would take a seat, Jauffre will see you shortly.” He turned and walked up the sturdy wooden stairs. I found a comfortable chair next to the fire and sat down.
My gaze drifted to the walls. Rich tapestries depicted great battles and heroes. Several weapons adorned the hearth. There’s more to these monks than meets the eye.
It was an hour or more before the black-robed monk entered the room, he motioned for me to follow him. I paused at the top of the wooden stairs. The room to my left contained several beds, four desks were arranged against the right wall. Monks dressed in white and brown robes sat around reading or scribbling on parchment. One monk sat by the window, staring out over the farmland towards the great forest.
I turned and hurried after my guide. We walked past the kitchen where the smell of fresh bread and succulent lamb drifted throughout the building. I was escorted past another bedroom full of monks, smaller than the other, on our way down a large hallway. The black robed Breton smiled and opened a large wooden door to our left, he then turned and strolled down the hall.
I entered the room to find another monk, in a brown robe, reading at a large wooden desk. His face was wrinkled and framed by thinning grey hair. I cleared my throat to get his attention. He placed his book on the large shelf to his left and turned to me. The room was like an office with lots of books and pieces of parchment. I found it secretly fascinating-if Amusei knew I liked to read I would never hear the end of it.
“I’m brother Jauffre, what do you want?” he asked sharply.
“The Emperor sent me to find you, he told me to give you this,” I warily took the large red amulet out from my ragged cuirass. The monk’s eyes widened quite dramatically.
“Who are you? What do you know about the Emperor’s death?” He demanded.
“I was there when he…” My heart was in my throat, I struggled to continue. “…I was there when he was murdered, he gave me the amulet and told me to tell you to find his son,” I breathed deeply to calm my self, not the best start.
Jauffre gave me a quizzical look but continued in a calm voice, “I believe you, don’t worry. I will dispatch some Blades at once for Kvatch for that is where the Emperor’s son is living. You have done well for yourself, please take this.” He dropped a large purse into my open hand.
“Blades?” I stuttered, although my eyes were glued to the glorious silk pouch in my hand.
“The Emperor's personal guard and agents of the Empire, I am their Grandmaster. This chapter house is home to the Order of Talos, it is where retired Blades come to live in peace and to worship Talos.” He smiled and adjusted his robe, revealing a gleaming sword-the Emperor’s bodyguards in the prison had the same weapons. “Prior Marborel will see you out, good day.” He smiled again.
I turned around to find the black-robed Breton monk standing in the doorway. Presumably this was Prior Marborel. He led me back through the priory house to the front door where he waved goodbye as I walked back to Chorrol. I tried to register what had just happened in my head. Monks. Books. Blades. Money. Kvatch.
I examined the purse Jauffre had given me. There were nearly one hundred septims! Usually I was lucky to have one or two coins in a week. My stomach growled to tell me that I was hungry and my feet ached to tell me I was rather tired. I decided to go and find Gaeleg at the mages guild, they would have food. Then I needed somewhere to sleep.
The mages guild hall was at the north end of town. Like all the other buildings in Chorrol, it was made from sturdy wood from the local area. A mighty oak tree, the symbol of the town, sat in the centre of the northern courtyard, guild halls and expensive houses surrounded it. People dressed in mages robes and armour milled around chatting to each other. I recognised one of the mages.
Gaeleg was in deep conversation with an Argonian; both were dressed in blue robes. The Bosmer smiled and waved me over. He introduced me to the Argonian whose name was Teekeeus; he was the head of the Chorrol chapter. The important thing was that Teekeeus allowed me to join them for lunch in the guild hall.
After having lunch with Gaeleg and Teekeeus I went to visit the chapel. The healer managed to fix my shoulder but said I would have to rest it for a week or so which was fine by me. My armour was still torn and now close to disintegration, I needed to visit the smithy.
Rasheda gasped when she saw my armour and gave me a lecture on how to keep it in good condition, along with a strange mixture that smelled like honey. It turns out that getting hit by the enemy is something most people avoid.
“This leather is almost completely destroyed,” The Redguard shook her head “I can’t fix it but I can give you a new set.”
I paid her for the new armour, it was supple and light with a strange emblem of a boat stitched onto the front. The leather helmet was swapped for a lightweight leather hood. I also purchased a new steel longsword with the money I got for selling the battered steel shortsword I had been using. The smith also recommended visiting ‘The Archer’s Paradox’ in Bravil; she gave me a note for the owner.
“Give this to Daenlin, he’ll understand.” The Redguard smiled at me as I left her shop. The parchment in my hand had one word written on it. Sap.
I didn’t really understand. Sap from a tree? Maybe it was a Redguard thing, or a Bosmer thing.
It was dark by the time I left the smithy. I decided against joining a guild and rented a room at ‘The Oak and Crosier’.
A friendly looking Khajiit greeted me as I approached the bar. She introduced herself as Talasma and sold me a room for the night. I also ordered the dish of the day as I took a seat by the fire.
“Here you go, sir,” The Khajiit was carrying a large bread roll on a plate. She set it down and removed the top, revealing a thick broth. “Chicken broth in a bread bowl, now what will you have to drink?” She smiled and took out a piece of parchment and a quill.
“"Just water please,"” I wasn't too keen on wine and this place looked too fancy to serve tea.
The Khajiit nodded and withdrew back to the bar; her long blue dress flowed behind her like a spring waterfall. I shook my head at the thought and focused on the flames in the hearth, silently devouring the logs and coal. It wasn’t long before Talasma returned with a jug of water and a tall silver glass. After paying the reasonable sum of eight septims I greedily tucked in to my meal. Sophistication was never one of my strong points but I heard Talasma chuckle from behind the bar, I took that as a sign that she didn’t mind and carried on. The broth was thick and creamy with small chunks of chicken and vegetable. The clear water sated my thirst after the meal.
On my way upstairs I thanked Talasma again for the meal. I noticed a small sign above the hall to the bedroom area, it read ‘To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep’. I believed this to be good advice and continued down a short hallway to room number four. The room itself was small, but comfortably so. A thick red carpet covered the wooden floor, heat rising into the room from the bar area below. I took a long bath before going to bed. It occurred to me that I had only ever slept on a bedroll. The warm, crisp sheets on the bed enveloped my body, it was a strange feeling. As I began to relax my mind whirled at the recent events and I eventually slid into the strange world of my dreams.
QUOTE
Female Bosmer aren't as weird.
I'm sure that Teresa and Buffy appreciate that!This continues to be lovely, and a joy to read. Haa-Rei is so easy to like!
QUOTE
Monks dressed in white and brown robes sat around reading or scribbling on parchment. One monk sat by the window, staring out over the farmland towards the great forest.
I liked how you briefly but effectively brought the priory to life. I also like how you short circuited the Main Quest (or at least appear to have). I'm delighted to see that Haa-Rei may simply be a bystander or perhaps play a small role. Regardless, well done.
QUOTE
It turns out that getting hit by the enemy is something most people avoid.
A fine example of what seems to be your wonderful gift for understated humor that hits the mark.QUOTE
The leather helmet was swapped for a lightweight leather hood.
It is so nice to see that our Argonian fellow has some fashion sense. Those helmets are. . . ewww. I'm curious about Rasheda's note and advice to see Daenlin. I look forward to hopefully learning more about this.
The Oak & Crosier. What a wonderfully cozy and friendly inn with a warm fireplace. Ahhhh.
Lovely ending to this chapter.
Well done, hazmick. Best of luck as you head for school. Take all the time you need with this gem of a story. We'll be here looking forward to more of it.
I'm glad to see you taking the time with developing the scenes and the characters. Sights, sounds, smells and touch are all present in this chapter. As a result, if feels so much richer. So Haa-Rei loves books, huh? That's good - knowledge is the great equalizer.
Your writing is showing the result of you slowing down and taking your sweet time to review your writing and edit where necessary. I didn't see any nits, and I felt the story flowed a lot better. I didn't get the sense that I was missing something.
Maybe it was the chicken soup in a bread bowl . . .
Best of luck in college - it's going to be a hectic couple of weeks while you settle down. Be sure to focus on your studies, and we will wait here for your next installment in Haa-Rei's story. Do not feel obligated to throw something here every so often - all of us here know about real life and understand that some things are more important than our stories. After all, it's college! It's your FUTURE, darn it! Just don't forget about us, or Haa-Rei.
One word of advice: you probably already know this, but keep a small notebook with you at all times. If an idea, a phrase, a scene from your story pops into your head in the middle of a dull, dull lecture, write it down! You won't remember it later, trust me. Many's the time I wished I had done just that! I'm much older now, wiser and use my laptop for just the same thing!
Oh well, that's me, contradicting myself in subsequent breaths.
Your writing is showing the result of you slowing down and taking your sweet time to review your writing and edit where necessary. I didn't see any nits, and I felt the story flowed a lot better. I didn't get the sense that I was missing something.
Maybe it was the chicken soup in a bread bowl . . .
Best of luck in college - it's going to be a hectic couple of weeks while you settle down. Be sure to focus on your studies, and we will wait here for your next installment in Haa-Rei's story. Do not feel obligated to throw something here every so often - all of us here know about real life and understand that some things are more important than our stories. After all, it's college! It's your FUTURE, darn it! Just don't forget about us, or Haa-Rei.
One word of advice: you probably already know this, but keep a small notebook with you at all times. If an idea, a phrase, a scene from your story pops into your head in the middle of a dull, dull lecture, write it down! You won't remember it later, trust me. Many's the time I wished I had done just that! I'm much older now, wiser and use my laptop for just the same thing!
Oh well, that's me, contradicting myself in subsequent breaths.
You did a good job with the “hand-off” of the main quest- I really wish such a path had been made available in-game. Your descriptions brought the priory and its inhabitants to life- especially Jauffre, who is quite believable as the over-worked Grandmaster of the Blades. Sure he is rather terse- the bloody Emperor has just been assassinated for Talos’ sake!
And an even better bit of character-building- Haa-Rei’s interest in books.
Wonderfully dry and understated- and yet another window on the character.
The communication between Rasheeda and Daenlin is a good bit of world-building. I wonder what her one-word note means….
The scenes at the Oak and Crosier were restful and pleasant- excellent description again.
Nits:
You want a capital “B” there, as you have elsewhere.
“
“Emperor’s” possessive.
On to other things- I agree with everything the wise haute said. Do concentrate on getting off to a good start with your studies. Time can really get away from you. But- do keep a "Haa-Rei" notebook handy- even a brief sentence or phrase may grow into an entire chapter when you have the leisure to flesh it out. Best of luck with school and drop by to let us know how things are going. (The Coffee Shop thread is there just for that reason.)
And an even better bit of character-building- Haa-Rei’s interest in books.
QUOTE
My stomach growled to tell me that I was hungry and my feet ached to tell me I was rather tired.
Wonderfully dry and understated- and yet another window on the character.
The communication between Rasheeda and Daenlin is a good bit of world-building. I wonder what her one-word note means….
The scenes at the Oak and Crosier were restful and pleasant- excellent description again.
Nits:
QUOTE
I will dispatch some blades at once for Kvatch…
You want a capital “B” there, as you have elsewhere.
“
QUOTE
The Emperors personal guard and agents…”
“Emperor’s” possessive.
On to other things- I agree with everything the wise haute said. Do concentrate on getting off to a good start with your studies. Time can really get away from you. But- do keep a "Haa-Rei" notebook handy- even a brief sentence or phrase may grow into an entire chapter when you have the leisure to flesh it out. Best of luck with school and drop by to let us know how things are going. (The Coffee Shop thread is there just for that reason.)
Starting college and going to be busy partying?
if Amusei knew I liked to read I would never hear the end of it.
This was a delicious little insight into Haa-Rei's nature, and perfectly conveyed to us.
I see you jumped off the MQ train, at least for now. That is much more believable than how the game runs. I also saw you made Weynon Priory a much larger place than in the game as well, making it a real monastery filled with monks.
It turns out that getting hit by the enemy is something most people avoid.
That's crazy talk!
Haa-Rei got himself a blackwater cuirass I see! Good for him.
And finally a nice, relaxing soup in bread dinner. I had that at the local Ren-Faire a few years ago, and have loved it ever since.
nits:
The old Breton was dressed in black robes and was sat next to the door of the Priory house when I arrived.
was sat does not sound right. I think you either meant to say was seated, or you could just delete the was altogether.
if Amusei knew I liked to read I would never hear the end of it.
This was a delicious little insight into Haa-Rei's nature, and perfectly conveyed to us.
I see you jumped off the MQ train, at least for now. That is much more believable than how the game runs. I also saw you made Weynon Priory a much larger place than in the game as well, making it a real monastery filled with monks.
It turns out that getting hit by the enemy is something most people avoid.
That's crazy talk!
Haa-Rei got himself a blackwater cuirass I see! Good for him.
And finally a nice, relaxing soup in bread dinner. I had that at the local Ren-Faire a few years ago, and have loved it ever since.
nits:
The old Breton was dressed in black robes and was sat next to the door of the Priory house when I arrived.
was sat does not sound right. I think you either meant to say was seated, or you could just delete the was altogether.
I can't say enough about your attention to detail in your descriptions - it feels like being there and seeing it happening! I got thirsty for a glass of water, too. - AWESOME WRITE !!!!!!!
@ All: thankyou for your praise and good-luck-giving for my college start. The 'Sap' mystery will be revealed in good time and I hope you all enjoy it, Haa-Rei certainly did. This chapter is going to be quite short, kind of like an interlude-it will start Haa-Rei on a mighty quest for a mighty special book.
Chapter 2.1
A rasping, guttural voice echoed through my mind. The words were those of a strange language that was unknown to me. Images of humanoid statues and objects danced in a circle around a worn, dog-eared book.
Everything went dark for a moment and suddenly I was in a large library. The shelves of books seemed to be endless, spanning in all directions. The books themselves had identical black covers with no titles and pages of the mysterious writing floated through the air on a wind I could not feel. Blank humanoid shapes floated between the stacks of books, flicking through the endless pages as if searching for something.
The voice spoke again, this time I could understand the words. Answering my questions of what, who and where.
“This is the place of hidden things. Who am I? You will find out, with time. Some know me as the ‘Woodland Man’; others know me as the sibling to the spider.” The voice paused for a moment. Questions buzzed like fleshflies in my head.
The Woodland Man continued in his convoluted tone. “I have selected you because of the skills you possess, they are those of my followers, use these skills to find Casta Flavus. He has the details of your task.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The library quickly disappeared and the well lit walls of my room in the Oak and Crosier appeared, as did several people with worried looks on their faces. I recognized Rasheda and some people from the chapel, as well as some mages.
Talasma was the first to speak as she thrust a steaming cup into my hands. “You're awake, drink this.” She stepped back and shooed some people from the room. Talasma, Gaeleg and Teekeeus were left standing there. “Talasma will leave you now.” The Khajiit flashed me a smile and also retreated downstairs.
I took a sip from the cup. Nightshade and Milk-Thistle tea. Teekeeus’ face was set in the traditional Argonian passiveness but his eyes told a story of worry…and knowing.
“Talasma sent for me, you were having some sort of fit. You were shaking and writhing around like a leviathan full of rats. There was a large magicka presence just before you woke up. What happened in your dream?” Teekeeus’ eyes were now stern.
I took another sip of tea before speaking, “I’m not sure; there was a strange voice in a library full of pages of strange writing. The voice said their name was the ‘Woodland Man’.” A sharp intake of breath from Gaeleg drew my attention. Teekeeus shot the Bosmer a quizzical look.
“N...nothing, it’s nothing.” Gaeleg’s face reddened and he turned away, he was hiding something but neither I nor Teekeeus pursued it further.
After making sure I was alright, Teekeeus headed back to the Mages’ Guild hall. Gaeleg stayed for a breakfast of eggs and ham. Apparently my dream had lasted all night; it only felt like a few minutes in that endless library. I almost wished to stay there forever.
Talasma surveyed me from the bar, making sure I ate everything and had several more cups of tea before I was allowed to leave.
I didn’t ask Gaeleg about the ‘Woodland Man’ but instead agreed to travel with him to Leyawiin. I could stop off at Bravil on the way to deliver Rasheda’s note to Daenlin. First, I needed to visit the bookstore. Estelle might have a book about this ‘Woodland Man’.
Chapter 2.1
A rasping, guttural voice echoed through my mind. The words were those of a strange language that was unknown to me. Images of humanoid statues and objects danced in a circle around a worn, dog-eared book.
Everything went dark for a moment and suddenly I was in a large library. The shelves of books seemed to be endless, spanning in all directions. The books themselves had identical black covers with no titles and pages of the mysterious writing floated through the air on a wind I could not feel. Blank humanoid shapes floated between the stacks of books, flicking through the endless pages as if searching for something.
The voice spoke again, this time I could understand the words. Answering my questions of what, who and where.
“This is the place of hidden things. Who am I? You will find out, with time. Some know me as the ‘Woodland Man’; others know me as the sibling to the spider.” The voice paused for a moment. Questions buzzed like fleshflies in my head.
The Woodland Man continued in his convoluted tone. “I have selected you because of the skills you possess, they are those of my followers, use these skills to find Casta Flavus. He has the details of your task.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The library quickly disappeared and the well lit walls of my room in the Oak and Crosier appeared, as did several people with worried looks on their faces. I recognized Rasheda and some people from the chapel, as well as some mages.
Talasma was the first to speak as she thrust a steaming cup into my hands. “You're awake, drink this.” She stepped back and shooed some people from the room. Talasma, Gaeleg and Teekeeus were left standing there. “Talasma will leave you now.” The Khajiit flashed me a smile and also retreated downstairs.
I took a sip from the cup. Nightshade and Milk-Thistle tea. Teekeeus’ face was set in the traditional Argonian passiveness but his eyes told a story of worry…and knowing.
“Talasma sent for me, you were having some sort of fit. You were shaking and writhing around like a leviathan full of rats. There was a large magicka presence just before you woke up. What happened in your dream?” Teekeeus’ eyes were now stern.
I took another sip of tea before speaking, “I’m not sure; there was a strange voice in a library full of pages of strange writing. The voice said their name was the ‘Woodland Man’.” A sharp intake of breath from Gaeleg drew my attention. Teekeeus shot the Bosmer a quizzical look.
“N...nothing, it’s nothing.” Gaeleg’s face reddened and he turned away, he was hiding something but neither I nor Teekeeus pursued it further.
After making sure I was alright, Teekeeus headed back to the Mages’ Guild hall. Gaeleg stayed for a breakfast of eggs and ham. Apparently my dream had lasted all night; it only felt like a few minutes in that endless library. I almost wished to stay there forever.
Talasma surveyed me from the bar, making sure I ate everything and had several more cups of tea before I was allowed to leave.
I didn’t ask Gaeleg about the ‘Woodland Man’ but instead agreed to travel with him to Leyawiin. I could stop off at Bravil on the way to deliver Rasheda’s note to Daenlin. First, I needed to visit the bookstore. Estelle might have a book about this ‘Woodland Man’.
ARGH! It's Hermaeus Mora!!!! Oh this is going to be AWESOME !!!!! Great Chapter - and CLIFFHANGING!!!! (hint hint) - MORE!
Oooh! A mystery. And some nice development of some of the supporting cast. Talasma, Teekeeus, Gaeleg. Even in this shorter chapter, I like how you provided some wonderful descriptions. This sounds like it will be fun!
A couple nits:
A couple nits:
QUOTE
“Your awake, drink this.”
You're (the contraction for you are, of course)QUOTE
I could stop off at Bravil on the way to deliver Rasheda’s note to Baenlin.
I think you mean Daenlin (of Archer Paradox fame).
Loving the development in this.
QUOTE(Remko @ Sep 6 2010, 01:34 PM) 
Loving the development in this.
I didn't quite understand this sentence:
QUOTE
The smell of wine and ale welcomed me as I stepped into the inn. The rather attractive Altmer innkeeper sold me a room for the night along with some cheese and bread. I now had no money at all. That’s more like it.
How can he buy food and a room when you state he had no money at all?
Thanks for pointing that out. I've fixed it so that Baurus handed him some coins in the sewers.
My bad, I overlooked the word "now". I thought he was broke before he even entered the inn but it seemed he had little money on him before after all.
Interesting update- especially as this is a quest I have never played. And we get a nice "show-not-tell" moment when Haa-Rei decides to look for a book about the Woodland Man. And the Bosmer knows more than he is saying...
Somehow, it seems that our Argonian's thirst for knowledge has drawn someone's attention.
Somehow, it seems that our Argonian's thirst for knowledge has drawn someone's attention.
I really like the direction this is going.
I understand Haa-Rei's fascination with the mysterious library. I have the same fascination with bookstores!
I understand Haa-Rei's fascination with the mysterious library. I have the same fascination with bookstores!
Would that strange library be the realm of a certain Daedric Prince named Herman?
I loved the Argonian's drinking tea with nightshade in it. I hope no one else tried drinking from the same pot!
nits:
You use the word "strange" several times in the opening sequence. You might want to go back and see about changing a few instances with other synonyms.
I loved the Argonian's drinking tea with nightshade in it. I hope no one else tried drinking from the same pot!
nits:
You use the word "strange" several times in the opening sequence. You might want to go back and see about changing a few instances with other synonyms.
Forgive me for not commenting sooner. Real life has a nasty habit of upsetting the best laid plans.
Chapter 2.0
Now I can add a Marsh Ranger to the pantheon of friends that I have met through this forum. Like the others I was struck by the simple yet telling details that you incorporated into this chapter. The color of Haa-Rei’s scales as an indication of health was already pointed out, as was the falling asleep submerged in the bathtub. But I liked the using of stones from the fireplace to heat the tub as well.
Chapter 2.0 (continued)
I can’t believe that Haa-Rei decided to do business with Rasheeda. The prices she charges?! Every time I’m in her shop I have to quell the urge to strangle her with her own apron! Why are all the Redguards in Cyrodiil such skinflints? The note that she gives him is an excellent way to underscore just how mean spirited she really is. Now I really do want to go to Chorrol and strangle her!
Chapter 2.1
Haa-Rei finds himself in Apocrypha . . . and has the strength to leave it?! That, in itself, makes him a very unique individual indeed. Like the others said, I’m going to enjoy this!
Chapter 2.0
Now I can add a Marsh Ranger to the pantheon of friends that I have met through this forum. Like the others I was struck by the simple yet telling details that you incorporated into this chapter. The color of Haa-Rei’s scales as an indication of health was already pointed out, as was the falling asleep submerged in the bathtub. But I liked the using of stones from the fireplace to heat the tub as well.
Chapter 2.0 (continued)
I can’t believe that Haa-Rei decided to do business with Rasheeda. The prices she charges?! Every time I’m in her shop I have to quell the urge to strangle her with her own apron! Why are all the Redguards in Cyrodiil such skinflints? The note that she gives him is an excellent way to underscore just how mean spirited she really is. Now I really do want to go to Chorrol and strangle her!
Chapter 2.1
Haa-Rei finds himself in Apocrypha . . . and has the strength to leave it?! That, in itself, makes him a very unique individual indeed. Like the others said, I’m going to enjoy this!
This is definitely a good story
hey guys! I know you've all been waiting for another post but you'll have to hold on for a while longer.
A new chapter should be surfacing later in October, I've just got Morrowind GOTY and Fallout 3 GOTY is on the way...
As for the latest chapter: You are a perceptive bunch, Haa-Rei will indeed become further involved with Mr.Mora-- It's going to be different from the in-game quest (In-game, you have to be a certain waay through the main quest) so Haa-Rei will have to improve his skills somewhat. We will also be meeting some of my other Oblivion chars along the way.
Thanks for being patient and for the kind comments!
A new chapter should be surfacing later in October, I've just got Morrowind GOTY and Fallout 3 GOTY is on the way...
As for the latest chapter: You are a perceptive bunch, Haa-Rei will indeed become further involved with Mr.Mora-- It's going to be different from the in-game quest (In-game, you have to be a certain waay through the main quest) so Haa-Rei will have to improve his skills somewhat. We will also be meeting some of my other Oblivion chars along the way.
Thanks for being patient and for the kind comments!
QUOTE(hazmick @ Oct 1 2010, 10:09 AM)
hey guys! I know you've all been waiting for another post but you'll have to hold on for a while longer.
A new chapter should be surfacing later in October, I've just got Morrowind GOTY and Fallout 3 GOTY is on the way...
As for the latest chapter: You are a perceptive bunch, Haa-Rei will indeed become further involved with Mr.Mora-- It's going to be different from the in-game quest (In-game, you have to be a certain waay through the main quest) so Haa-Rei will have to improve his skills somewhat. We will also be meeting some of my other Oblivion chars along the way.
Thanks for being patient and for the kind comments!
I had no doubt you would add your own touches to the Mora quest! You will love FO3 GOTY !!!! I downloaded the DLC separately after playing through two games - all the DLC for that game is Awesome !!!!
QUOTE(hazmick @ Oct 1 2010, 10:09 AM)
hey guys! I know you've all been waiting for another post but you'll have to hold on for a while longer.
A new chapter should be surfacing later in October, I've just got Morrowind GOTY and Fallout 3 GOTY is on the way...
SNIP
That just means we will expect FO3 and Morrowind fan-fics in addition to Haa-Rei. Demanding? Who us?
Enjoy the games and we will wait for new adventures.
I love the detail that Hee-Rei improved his wardrobe at the prison. He slept underwater in the cold tub! I love his dry humor. From his interview it sounds like our nightshade-sipping bibliophilic Marsh Ranger has been busy. Perhaps he’d like to tell us a little more of his story? Please?
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