Prologue

I stared into the night sky; stars gleamed over the city of Anvil. I sat upon Benirus Manor. Clothed in my black-leather uniform with a black, hooded cloak, I stared at the sea. My older brother left for a career as an Imperial Soldier to Akavir. A long time ago they tried that, but the settlers were all killed by mysterious circumstances.

“You’re always waiting for him, Minx,” a voice whispered. I looked behind myself and noticed her. My friend, a khajiit smiled at me. Her eyes were dark and her fur was vibrant orange with ebony black stripes. Unlike most of her kind, she spoke like a normal citizen, probably due to the fact that she was raised by Imperials.

“I’ll never stop waiting for Fargoth. He always wanted to join the Legion and when he finally did,” I whimpered. “They were supposed to return six months ago.”

She hugged me and whispered, “Fargoth will return or my name isn’t Aunya.” Aunya always knew how to comfort me. The Khajiit was a few years older than me, but mentally it was as if she had been around for eras.

We lived in the five-hundred, twenty-fifth year of the fourth era, but Aunya could recite events back before the second era. I climbed down the Mansion and a well-dressed man fled past me. “Help me,” he shrieked as he fled. I looked and a group of Anvil guards charged after him.

I threw down some flash-powder to create smoke, but before I knew it they had me surrounded. The Guard Captain spit in my face and scowled. “You just helped the head of the Thieves’ Guild branch in Anvil escape,” he barked. “You sap-sucker, I’ll make sure you serve at least fifty years.”

Aunya was nowhere to be seen, she was always a non-confrontational type. One of the guards shoved me to the ground and hissed, “Poor sap-sucker, I can’t wait until Countess Alessia lets me enjoy you. Reman Septim holds no power in Anvil.”

He was right; Reman had no power in Anvil. It was lawless. Countess Alessia was a known member of the new Thieves’ Guild. The Thief Wars were occurring day-and-night; the guards were all servants of Alessia who held high rank in the new Thieves’ Guild also known as the Imperium Tong.

I felt a coarse, linen sack thrown over my head and cold, iron shackles shoved onto my wrists. For several minutes, they carried me. Various scents filled my nostrils as we walked, but the cold bit my flesh. After they tore the sack off me, I was in the dungeon. “You stopped the local Old Guild leader,” the Guard-Captain scowled. “You’ll suffer, for that, Sap-Sucker.”

I gulped. He really needed something to make his breath stop smelling like Nix-Hound feces. This man was insane; I could see it in his eyes. The Imperium Tong weren’t like the Old Guild. Aunya was an Old Guild member; she held the rank of Operative. The Guard-Captain exited with a smile.

The person across from me wore sackcloth pants. He thinning, gray hair and was thin. “I’ve been in here for five years, every day they’ll beat you like they have me. I got in here for insulting a ‘guard’ also known as an Imperium Tong Thug,” he coughed. “Listen Bosmer, my life is over. My body is broken, you’re just a girl. I picked the lock on my cell, when the guard comes by; I’m going to cause quite a ruckus. Snatch his keys, open your cell, and run. He’ll kill me, but you can still escape.”

This aging Imperial was going to give his life for mine. His nobility knew no bounds, I merely nodded. I needed to be patient for the plan to fall into place, and if I failed then I’d be as dead as him…

Nice intro. You present us with enough info about your character to get us quite interested, but still leave lots for later. Good job of 'show vs tell' in this. The story flowed quite naturally.


Nit:
This isn't really a sentence. You might try: 'He was slender, and displayed thinning gray hair.'

Oops, well I missed one error, won't happen again (and if it does, I'll force myself to run across Cyrodiil from Anvil to Leyawiin).

Chapter One: Escaping the Castle Anvil

For hours the guard didn’t come, then I heard the door creak open. He was a Dunmer in a suit of steel plate-mail. In his hand was an ebony morning-star. “Ready for your slop, prisoner?” he asked the prisoner across from me.

The prisoner slammed against the cell-door and looked at me. His dull-blue eyes said one thing, “Run.” I snatched the key-ring and opened my cell. With speed that rivaled Aunya’s I sprinted out of the room, only stopping to grab my bow and arrows.

I heard two people talking, Countess Alessia and a raspy-voiced one, I assumed a Dunmer. “Lord Dren demands you give me the head of the local Captain,” the Dunmer barked. “It would be best you execute him now if you have him.”

I peaked out from a corner and saw it was a dark elf in Ebony Plate-mail. “Raynil, I don’t have him. One of the prisoners helped him escape,” she pleaded with fear in her voice. “Give me another chance, please, I beg you.”

“Saryn warned you six weeks ago if you didn’t have him you’d be dead,” the Dark Elf sighed. “You were warned Countess, now you’ll die.” The ebony-clad enforcer ripped the sword out of his scabbard and plunged it deep into her chest.

The Dunmer walked off and I took the opportunity to take a few steps into the throne-room. Countess Alessia already had blood pooling around her, she was dead now. I can’t say I’m sad about it. Baan Dar, the Bandit God is probably sad, but not I.

I heard a foot-step behind me and that was the last thing I heard. A spell drained me of my energy instantly and sleep dominated my mind. When I awoke, an Argonian and a Khajiit stood over me. “Minx, are you okay?” the Argonian asked. He wore black-leather armor like me and a similar cloak. The khajiit wore a faded gray robe that once might’ve been any color. The khajiit had the hood up.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“Quick-Strike and my companion is J’skooma,” he stated. “Don’t worry; we’re not friends of the Imperium Tong. We’re actually trying to destroy it. Unlike the Old Guild, the Imperium Tong has a very tight grip on the newly re-founded Septim Empire. Alessia was had a very high rank, she was the local Captain.”

“Where are we?”

“We’re three miles north of Anvil in an abandoned farm-house.” I looked around, it was run-down and the windows were boarded up. The smell of rotten potatoes also filled my nose, I almost puked, but I kept it down, luckily.

“So are you guys going to arrest me for the murder of Countess Alessia?” The Argonian seemed to be one of Reman’s Bounty Hunters. Wouldn’t surprise me, he had the look of an assassin.

“No, quite the contrary. Minx, we’ve watched you for the past six months, you seem to be quite the archer, we could use your assistance in taking down the Imperium Tong,” Quick-Strike explained. “There are Imperium Tong lords in each province. The Kingpin, Vedam Dren, is the great grandson of the old Camonna Tong kingpin, Orvas Dren named after his great uncle, Duke Vedam Dren.”

“So you’re asking me to help you take out the Lords of the Imperium Tong and help you kill Kingpin Vedam Dren? Are you insane?” I asked in disbelief. They had to be if they thought they could end the Imperium Tong. Vedam Dren had more mercenaries serving him than the Fighters’ Guild had members.

“J’skooma is a little odd,” J’skooma chuckled. “J’skooma likes to be strange; it’s no fun being normal.” Oh joy, a khajiit with a case of insanity.

“The Camonna Tong was wiped out by the Nerevarine,” the Argonian pointed out.

“He also killed gods; I couldn’t hold my own against a Redguard in a fistfight.”

“Perhaps you’re right, but you would be as revered as greats like the Champion of Cyrodiil and the Eternal Champion…”

I always did want to be famous, ever since I was just a little girl and Father and Mother were still alive. “Fine, Quick-Strike,” I nodded. “I’ll help you.”

The Argonian gave me a nod of approval. That was the beginning of my story. Just like the Hero of Daggerfall. He wasn’t special in any regards, just a survivor… Like me…

This was very nice! I am so pleased to see our favorite crazy cat and sneaky lizard. You developed the situation so that Minx's thinking was fairly clear and logical. This is shaping up well!



Um, uh-oh. Two nits will get you a round trip so at least you'll get back to Anvil. . . In this context, you want the word 'peeked'. Double verbs - you need to eliminate 'was' or 'had'

Praise the Daedra for fast-travel!

Chapter Two: The Journey to the Imperial City

When I awoke, Quick-Strike was stroking a fire. It was cold in the mornings by the ocean. “Quick-Strike, I think if we go to the Imperial City, we can talk to some informants and get some information on the Imperium Tong,” I said as I looked in the mirror. I realized for a second, I was only in a loincloth and brassiere and grabbed a blanket to cover myself.

“Relax,” the Argonian stated. “I will not stare.” After a moment, I released it, my hair was a mess and I needed to bathe. I looked around for my armor and bow, but to no avail.

“Where is my armor and my bow?” I asked curiously. “I would really like to have them.”

Quick-Strike tossed her a knapsack, “Don’t wear it, we want to be inconspicuous. In the bag there are some folded up clothes, wear them. J’skooma has your bow in a Wizard’s Chest, as well as your armor.”

I looked in the bag and pulled out the contents. A white blouse with a brown vest, doeskin shoes, and a light, brown skirt were the contents of the bag. “You expect me to wear this?” I asked. “You’ve got to be kidding; I’m a rogue, a thief, an agent, not some girly merchant.”

“I’ll be going in with a green, flax tunic; coarse, linen pants; and no shoes. I am as unhappy as you, but we must go in incognito,” Quick-Strike explained. “Not many people will talk to adventurers about the Imperium Tong, but gossip amongst other people is fine.”

With a deep sigh, I stepped into the skirt and pulled it up. I put on the blouse and buttoned it up and over it went the vest. I put on the shoes and smiled a little, “This is quite a comfortable outfit.”

“I’ve worn it many times when I was trying to assassinate a Daedra worshipper who had too tankards of ale.” Quick-Strike glanced at J’skooma who wore his usual attire. The Argonian changed into his attire and they started walking.

After about six hours, we reached the Imperial City. The sun was high in the sky and extremely hot, but I didn’t complain. The guards held their halberds perpendicular. The one on the left asked, “What’s your business, Bosmer?”

“My father is ill,” I lied. “We’re here to get medicine.”

“Very well,” he said. “You may enter.” They pulled open the doors and I walked into the Talos Plaza. A plethora of people wandered the streets. I scurried into a tavern and saw an elderly Imperial woman drinking. Her hair was dull-gray, her face was wrinkled, and her eyes lacked luster.

“Madam?” I asked. “Are you alright?”

She stood up and looked into my eyes for a second. She hugged me tightly. “They killed him, Martin was such a good son, and now he’s dead.”

“Who killed Martin?”

“The Imperium Tong, those bloody scum, they killed my boy,” she sobbed. “A thousand blights upon their kingpin.”

I gently patted her on the back and noticed my white blouse was wet with tears. A patron came over to me and whispered, “I heard you talking about the Imperium Tong, come up to my room if you want information.”

The patron was a middle-aged Dunmer with graying hair. He climbed the shoddy stairs, heading to his room. I followed after him hastily. Once we reached his room, he said to me, “You want information? I want a night in bed with you.”

“You swine,” I screamed in his face. “You’re foul, Ashen-born.”

He grabbed me and threw me on the bed, but as I fell, I kicked him in the jaw. This pig was trying to assault me, I don’t know what women he was used to, but I wasn’t one of them. The Dunmer pulled out a silver dagger and hissed, “Take off your clothes or I’ll slit your throat. I’m an Imperium Tong Enforcer. I could have you killed, Sap-Child.”

Obediently, I slid out of my skirt, but the door opened and I saw an ebony short-sword emit from the man’s chest. “We need to leave, now,” Quick-Strike ordered.

Marching up the stairs were Imperial Legionaries, I pulled up my skirt and dived out the window. I hit the ground… Hard. It hurt, but I got up and started running. Quick-Strike and J’skooma were nowhere to be seen.

I looked around and saw a mob of guards. I cut into an alleyway and a gloved hand covered my mouth. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t. The last thing I knew a sack was put over my head and a club hit the back of my skull…

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Okay. I've sent you a PM with my remarks. I will say that I find this an interesting approach to take after your Kalian story.

I haven't got it yet, but is it that bad?

closed per request