Prologue
Thirty-Three years before the Oblivion Crisis
The biting cold of Skyrim was like fire. Lord Alu'Kar punched his servant for taking so long to bring him some Flin. All the servants of Castle Ravenmist were Dunmer. Lord Alu'Kar had long, ebon hair that fell to his shoulder blades. His skin was ashen gray and his eyes were blood red. He wore black boots, black pants, a black shirt, black gloves, and a black cloak.
His consort walked up to him. She had fiery red hair, light gray skin, and crimson eyes. Alu'Kar gently kissed her lips and whispered, "Go to bed, tend Zalphon, I'll be to bed in an hour." He sat at the hearth, staring into the dancing embers and growing flame. He sipped his Flin.
He walked out and mounted his Magical Steed. He was riding to Icewind Village, to collect his investments. Suddenly he was knocked off his horse. He was stunned and laid on the ground. Walking up to him was a person in black robes, a black hood, and a black scarf. The only part of his body that could be seen was the bridge of his gray nose and his scarlet eyes. "You've lived like a lord for many years, Alu'Kar," The Dark-Clad Dunmer whispered. "You've been cruel to your servants..."
Alu'Kar was freezing in the snow. "Th-They're servants, a step above slaves," He retorted. "Now what do you want, money, power, Skooma?" His voice confident, but he stuttered due to his shivering in the freezing cold of the snow of Skyrim.
The Dunmer said with his raspy voice, "You to feel their agony." He rest his hand on the chest of Lord Alu'Kar and muttered under his breath. Alu'Kar's vision faded to blackness. He was unconscious...
Full Version: Castle Ravenmist
OOOHHHH! Now that is some cliffhanger! Awesome Write Zalphon!
Chapter One: A New Life
Alu'Kar awoke in commoner's clothing. He lay on a hay matress. In came an orc who wore steel platemail and had a large silver warhammer. He grunted, "Git up, Elf." His voice was thick and blunt. He was a very large orc, about seven feet tall with a black topknot. His light green muscles bulged.
"Go to Oblivion, N'wah," The Dunmer responded. "Back off before--" A scaley hand covered his lips and the Argonian who covered it wore similar clothing.
"He means he is getting right to work, he is just a little hungover and irritable," The Argonian stated. "Don't harm him, Krall." The Orc walked off and grunted.
"Who in the name of Sotha Sil do you think you are," Alu'Kar hissed at his savior.
The Argonian shook his head and put his palm up to his face. "My name is Quick-Strike," He responded. "I used to be a Dark Brotherhood Shadowscale. After I left, I joined Lord Drad as a worker."
"Really?" Alu'Kar asked, unimpressedly. "Why do you think I would care, you scaley n'wah?" His voice was laced with sarcasm and dripping with fear. He was like an animal trying to hide its wounds.
"Listen Dunmer, we're both workers, let's try to be friends," He reasoned. "Listen, if you want to escape this place, I know a way. But I'm not going alone."
He gasped, "How?" His pupils dilated with joy and glee.
"I'll tell you tomorrow before dawn, today just get to work and keep your tongue in check," Quick-Strike stated. "Talk to you tomorrow, Dunmer."
Alu'Kar awoke in commoner's clothing. He lay on a hay matress. In came an orc who wore steel platemail and had a large silver warhammer. He grunted, "Git up, Elf." His voice was thick and blunt. He was a very large orc, about seven feet tall with a black topknot. His light green muscles bulged.
"Go to Oblivion, N'wah," The Dunmer responded. "Back off before--" A scaley hand covered his lips and the Argonian who covered it wore similar clothing.
"He means he is getting right to work, he is just a little hungover and irritable," The Argonian stated. "Don't harm him, Krall." The Orc walked off and grunted.
"Who in the name of Sotha Sil do you think you are," Alu'Kar hissed at his savior.
The Argonian shook his head and put his palm up to his face. "My name is Quick-Strike," He responded. "I used to be a Dark Brotherhood Shadowscale. After I left, I joined Lord Drad as a worker."
"Really?" Alu'Kar asked, unimpressedly. "Why do you think I would care, you scaley n'wah?" His voice was laced with sarcasm and dripping with fear. He was like an animal trying to hide its wounds.
"Listen Dunmer, we're both workers, let's try to be friends," He reasoned. "Listen, if you want to escape this place, I know a way. But I'm not going alone."
He gasped, "How?" His pupils dilated with joy and glee.
"I'll tell you tomorrow before dawn, today just get to work and keep your tongue in check," Quick-Strike stated. "Talk to you tomorrow, Dunmer."
Is this the beginning of how they all become connected in the later stories?
Yes, it's also a lot of backstory on Quick-Strike. The most mysterious character I think.
Chapter Two: Escaping Drad
Alu'Kar awoke, and standing over him was the argonian. Like most argonians, he showed no emotion. "Ready to leave Drad Estate, Alu'Kar?" he whispered. "If so get up, put on your darkest colored clothing and stay right behind me. We're both here against our will, if we're caught Krall will behead us both!"
The Dunmer nodded and put on black pants, dark brown work boots, and a dark gray shirt. Quick-Strike sprinted off into the darkness. Alu'Kar following behind. Suddenly, he heard a click. Quick-Strike shoved the Dunmer out of the way, but in the process broke his left arm by a boulder flying down. "My arm, it hurts," he hissed. "Let's keep going, we can't stop."
They continued sprinting through the gargantuan underworks of Drad Estate. Finally they reached a trap-door. When he opened it, there stood Krall. The orc lumbered over them and asked, "Where do you think you're going, Scales and Pointy-Ears?"
Alu'Kar said confidently, "You're going down, we're going up." He kicked the orc in a delicate area and ran up the stairs as the orc fell down them. The sun was rising, slowly but surely. They weren't out of the woods, yet. Lord Drad walked out in a suit of glass armor.
"What are my favorite slaves doing?" he asked. "Perhaps we should put them down." He drew an ebony dagger and an ebony shortsword. With haste he rushed at Quick-Strike. Alu'Kar muttered the words of a spell he managed to remember. A flare emitted from his fingertips and scorched Drad.
"A wizard, pretty weak spell, prepare to die," Lord Drad hissed. The Argonian threw a glass throwing star which glided through the air. It cut into the back of Drad's throat. He was unconscious, but not dead.
"Dark Elf, grab the shortsword and toss me the dagger," The Argonian shouted. Alu'Kar obeyed and tossed him the weapon. They ran South, hoping it was North with no sense of direction. They saw a small port-town called, "Anvil." The perfect place for two run-a-ways and for Alu'Kar to get a boat to Skyrim so he could get back to Ravenmist Castle and slay the Usurper.
"Thanks for saving me back there," The Dunmer muttered. "It means a lot."
"You would do the same for me, besides I need to repent for a lot of crimes in my past," Quick-Strike responded. "Let's go to a Chapel and get my arm fixed." They headed towards the Chapel and a priest cast a restoration spell.
"I need to go to Skyrim, will you come with me, Quick-Strike?" Alu'Kar asked.
Quick-Strike reluctantly said, "Yes, Alu'Kar. Friends look out for each other..."
Alu'Kar awoke, and standing over him was the argonian. Like most argonians, he showed no emotion. "Ready to leave Drad Estate, Alu'Kar?" he whispered. "If so get up, put on your darkest colored clothing and stay right behind me. We're both here against our will, if we're caught Krall will behead us both!"
The Dunmer nodded and put on black pants, dark brown work boots, and a dark gray shirt. Quick-Strike sprinted off into the darkness. Alu'Kar following behind. Suddenly, he heard a click. Quick-Strike shoved the Dunmer out of the way, but in the process broke his left arm by a boulder flying down. "My arm, it hurts," he hissed. "Let's keep going, we can't stop."
They continued sprinting through the gargantuan underworks of Drad Estate. Finally they reached a trap-door. When he opened it, there stood Krall. The orc lumbered over them and asked, "Where do you think you're going, Scales and Pointy-Ears?"
Alu'Kar said confidently, "You're going down, we're going up." He kicked the orc in a delicate area and ran up the stairs as the orc fell down them. The sun was rising, slowly but surely. They weren't out of the woods, yet. Lord Drad walked out in a suit of glass armor.
"What are my favorite slaves doing?" he asked. "Perhaps we should put them down." He drew an ebony dagger and an ebony shortsword. With haste he rushed at Quick-Strike. Alu'Kar muttered the words of a spell he managed to remember. A flare emitted from his fingertips and scorched Drad.
"A wizard, pretty weak spell, prepare to die," Lord Drad hissed. The Argonian threw a glass throwing star which glided through the air. It cut into the back of Drad's throat. He was unconscious, but not dead.
"Dark Elf, grab the shortsword and toss me the dagger," The Argonian shouted. Alu'Kar obeyed and tossed him the weapon. They ran South, hoping it was North with no sense of direction. They saw a small port-town called, "Anvil." The perfect place for two run-a-ways and for Alu'Kar to get a boat to Skyrim so he could get back to Ravenmist Castle and slay the Usurper.
"Thanks for saving me back there," The Dunmer muttered. "It means a lot."
"You would do the same for me, besides I need to repent for a lot of crimes in my past," Quick-Strike responded. "Let's go to a Chapel and get my arm fixed." They headed towards the Chapel and a priest cast a restoration spell.
"I need to go to Skyrim, will you come with me, Quick-Strike?" Alu'Kar asked.
Quick-Strike reluctantly said, "Yes, Alu'Kar. Friends look out for each other..."
I understand that this is the story of how the relationship between Quick-Strike and Lord Alu’Kar developed. I also gather from your post that there will be some detail given to Quick-Strike’s past. Given that, it might not be fair to give a critique based on the first few chapters, and if there is something that I misunderstand or just plain don’t get, then I apologize in advance.
First, everything about this story feels rushed. I would like to have seen you give us more detail. In the prologue we can infer that it is night by the comments Lord Alu'Kar makes to his consort. Yet he decides to travel, alone, and aboard a 'Magical Steed', to rouse the villagers of Icewind Village in order to collect on his ‘investments’. I assume he is waylaid on the road, but by your description it could have happened in the courtyard.
In chapter one you have Quick-Strike reveal his most secretive and personal detail within seconds of meeting Alu’Kar. I doubt that even ‘former’ shadowscales would be so quick to volunteer such information about themselves, especially to a complete stranger whose name they don’t even know. Even if he did it to gain the confidence and trust of Alu’Kar because he didn’t want to attempt escape alone, it still felt rushed.
In chapter two, where did the boulder that broke Quick Strike’s left arm come from? It seems fairly obvious that you have plans for the broken wing in the chapters to come, but the boulder that caused the havoc seemed to be placed there as a convenience instead of as an organic part of the story. Is Lord Drad’s estate built around a quarry? What is the nature of the work that they are forced to do?
Having read The Knight I know the high level of talent you bring to your writing. While I think you have an interesting premise and I already like the characters thanks to your other story, this one feels like it could have stayed on the keyboard a little longer.
First, everything about this story feels rushed. I would like to have seen you give us more detail. In the prologue we can infer that it is night by the comments Lord Alu'Kar makes to his consort. Yet he decides to travel, alone, and aboard a 'Magical Steed', to rouse the villagers of Icewind Village in order to collect on his ‘investments’. I assume he is waylaid on the road, but by your description it could have happened in the courtyard.
In chapter one you have Quick-Strike reveal his most secretive and personal detail within seconds of meeting Alu’Kar. I doubt that even ‘former’ shadowscales would be so quick to volunteer such information about themselves, especially to a complete stranger whose name they don’t even know. Even if he did it to gain the confidence and trust of Alu’Kar because he didn’t want to attempt escape alone, it still felt rushed.
In chapter two, where did the boulder that broke Quick Strike’s left arm come from? It seems fairly obvious that you have plans for the broken wing in the chapters to come, but the boulder that caused the havoc seemed to be placed there as a convenience instead of as an organic part of the story. Is Lord Drad’s estate built around a quarry? What is the nature of the work that they are forced to do?
Having read The Knight I know the high level of talent you bring to your writing. While I think you have an interesting premise and I already like the characters thanks to your other story, this one feels like it could have stayed on the keyboard a little longer.
Noted, I'll slow it down a bit.
Zalphon, is there really an underworks below the Drad estate? Woo Hoo, this is like Fallout 3 with the secret tunnels, and you know I love it when you go to Cyrodiil so I know where you are talking about!
In the game...no. In the story...yes. This is ten years before Oblivion, so maybe he sealed them off and buried all evidence of them when the Imperials came snooping around about his slavery.
QUOTE(Zalphon @ Mar 25 2010, 01:45 PM) 
In the game...no. In the story...yes. This is ten years before Oblivion, so maybe he sealed them off and buried all evidence of them when the Imperials came snooping around about his slavery.
Great answer! Your imagination is quick! I really love it when you are in Cyrodiil, when you do the other areas of Tamriel I have to dig for maps that show where you are talking about, lol.
I like this one. It brings a lot of questions to mind, so you really know how to keep a reader coming for more. Awesome!
Psychological thrillers are made to keep you guessing!
Very suspenseful writing Zalphon, fast-paced too.
However, there is too much info-dumping in there me thinks. Which isn't a bad thing, it just helps to make the story flow better if the information is spread out in the plot more than just piled in at the start. If you tell us everything about the character straight from the beginning there's nothing to say later on in the story.
However, there is too much info-dumping in there me thinks. Which isn't a bad thing, it just helps to make the story flow better if the information is spread out in the plot more than just piled in at the start. If you tell us everything about the character straight from the beginning there's nothing to say later on in the story.
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