I wrote this for a mod I'm working on and would like some feedback if possible. It's short because it was meant to be a single book, but I'll add to it if anybody thinks there should be more. For that, I would need ideas, though. Thanks.

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The sun beat down on us as the waves crashed against our ship. I stood on the deck next to Warrick as he stared out across the ocean with his good eye, the other long since scarred shut from an old wound. He stood with his arms crossed against his bare chest, his bald head glistening with sweat and sea spray.

He smiled as he turned to me and spoke in that booming voice of his: “Soon, boy. Soon we shall see Hammerfell, our new home! Those spineless Hiradirge cannot take that away from us. Your father will be proud!”

I nodded at his words, wiping the salt spray from my face and hair. I checked the long sword on my back, ensuring it was loose in its scabbard. I looked over the horizon, trying to catch a glimpse of our new home. I had heard stories of Hammerfell, of the Orsimer and other savage beasts that populated the land. A Ra’Gada had been called; we were to show those beasts what a Redguard was made of. I knew this was my only chance to prove to my father that I was ready to be a man like my brother.

Warrick smacked me on the back, laughing. “Snap out of it, boy! You’ll have plenty of time for reflection after the battle is won. Unsheathe your sword; it’s time for another drill.”

I unsheathed my sword and backed away from Warrick, watching his every move. He laughed as he drew a large claymore before raising it to a guard position, his face going blank. We circled each other, trying to find a weakness in the other’s guard. The rocking of the ship caused me to slip slightly, but I didn’t want Warrick to notice that I had yet to master fighting aboard a ship. His eye told me he had as he lunged for me. I barely got my shield up in time to deflect his blow, but his elbow caught me in the jaw as he slid past. Though the blow was not very hard, it still staggered me. I shook my head as I recovered. Warrick stared hard at me. “Remember, Torrin that your whole body can be a weapon, not just the piece of steel you hold in your hands. If I had wanted to, I could have knocked you out and gutted you like a fish.” He raised his sword into a guard position. “Again.”

I grunted as I shook off the pain and raised my sword, standing ready for his next assault. We sparred until the sun lowered under the horizon and the stars blanketed the sky. Warrick called for a halt and sheathed his weapon. “You did good, boy, we may just make a warrior out of you yet!” He laughed and slapped me on the back, pushing me towards my cabin. “Go get cleaned up, Torrin, you have a busy day tomorrow.” I nodded and mumbled a “yes, sir” before staggering to my cabin on legs that barely kept me upright. I quickly washed and undressed, sinking gratefully into a soft bed. Soon I knew no more as sleep overtook me.

The morning came too quickly as I awoke to the sound of Warrick banging on my door. The wood shook under the force of his fists as his muffled voice filled my cabin. “Torrin! Get up, Torrin! We’re almost to Hammerfell and you still have much to learn!” I sighed and quickly dressed. I opened to door to Warrick’s beaming face. “Ah, so the prodigal son decides to grace us with his presence, does he? Get something to eat, Torrin, and then meet me on deck before the sun moves an inch in the sky.”

“Yes, sir”

“That’s what I want to hear! Now get going.”

I smiled and shook my head as I made my way to the mess hall. I entered the hall and found a quiet spot to eat. As I gathered up my dishes to leave, I heard Warrick’s booming voice. “Where is that boy? Ah, there you are! I hope you weren’t planning on trying to miss our sparring session.”

“No, sir, I was just getting ready to begin them.”

“Good, good. Finish cleaning up and we’ll get started.”

“Yes, sir.”

I put the dishes away and followed the big man up to the deck. He walked to the far side of the sparring circle and faced me. “Begin.”

I nodded as I pulled my sword free and raised it to a guard position, my shield ready.

We sparred again until the sun set and Warrick called for a halt. “You’re getting better, Torrin. Remember to keep your shield up and watch your opponent’s eyes and not his body. We’ll reach Hammerfell tomorrow and you’ll need to be ready. Stay close to me and I’ll protect you as I can.”

“You don’t have to do that, Warrick, I am a war-“

“Nonsense! Your father would never forgive me if I let something happen to you. Stay close, boy, and don’t do anything foolish. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

Warrick smiled gently. “I’m not trying to berate you, Torrin, but you have to remember who you are and what you mean to your father. What you mean to your people. It’s a great responsibility, but I have faith in you.”

I grinned. “I understand, Warrick, thank you.”

“Good, now go get some rest.”

I nodded and returned to my cabin, grateful for the night’s rest. I awoke to the shouts of the crow’s nest. Land had been spotted. I quickly dressed and donned my armor, ensuring that every strap was tight, but that I could still move freely. I stepped onto the deck alongside the other warriors and watched as Hammerfell came into view.

Warrick stood on the deck, his hands resting on the hilt of his claymore standing in front of him. “A lovely place, isn’t it, boy? Soon it shall be ours.”

I nodded as I loosed my sword in its scabbard and checked my shield. Warrick cupped my chin in one of his large hands and stared straight at me. “Remember, Torrin, don’t do anything stupid. Always be aware of what’s happening around you and don’t try to be a hero. The other warriors fight for you. I fight for you. You fight for something greater. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t, Warrick. I promise I’ll be careful and stay close.”

“Good, see that you do.”

He spoke no more as the ship and the rest of the fleet approached Hammerfell. As we closed in on the beach, an army of Orcs rose from their hiding places and showered a barrage of arrows on us. We dropped to deck as the arrows flew overhead, most bouncing harmlessly off of our armor. Screams told me that a few hit their mark. I hoped that there weren’t many wounded, but my attention was taken by bump that signaled our landing. I jumped to my feet and drew my sword, following Warrick and the other warriors over the railing and onto the beach. The Orc archers unleashed another volley before dropping their bows and unsheathing their long swords. We slammed into them, the war cries of my country men drowning out those of our enemies. I fought with a ferocity I barely knew I had. All of Warrick’s teachings came back to me as I cut into the archers. I barely heard Warrick as he laughed and jested, asking me how many foes I had felled. The Orcs provided little resistance and we quickly gained ground. That abruptly changed as the lightly armored Orcs retreated, making way for the more heavily armored reinforcements. The sun glittered off of their armor, nightmarish creations that struck fear into the weak hearted. I heard my fellow warriors laugh at the Orcs and taunt them. I joined in as the new foes charged at us, and braced for their impact. I felt a strong hand pull me back as Warrick stepped in front of me. “Stay behind me, boy!” I watched impatiently as he engaged an Orc warrior. I looked for an opening to strike the Orc and as I saw it, I was knocked forward by a sharp blow to the back of my head. I stumbled and dropped to my knees before falling on the ground. I rolled over quickly and stared at the grinning face of an Orc holding a mace high, ready to strike. The Orc’s smile turned to surprise as three feet of steal suddenly sprung from his chest. The body fell to the side as Warrick pulled free his sword. He stared at me before reaching down and pulling me up. “Boy, I told you to be careful. I may not be there next time to save you.”

I avoided his eyes as I stood up and dusted myself off. “I understand, Warrick.”

“Good. You just stay here with me, your highness. I think one bump to your head is more than enough. Besides, our warriors almost have the beach.”

I looked across the beach and saw my warriors routing the Orcs and smiled. My father will be proud of us this day. We will soon have all of Hammerfell!

Not bad. Pretty good, actually. You certainly know how to put words together. Your writing is very clear, concise, and direct.

I really like stories about Redguards. There aren't enough of them, in my opinion.

That being said, one thing I think you could improve is to add a bit more Redguard flavor to it - include some more Yoku words (like "HoonDing") and cultural customs. I'd recommend reading Lord Vivec's Sword-Meeting With Cyrus the Great as a reference. (You might want to read the Yokudan section of the Monomyth first).

You're pretty damn good, though. I encourage you to write more stories (or just more of this one, whichever you prefer).

Thanks, BB, I'll check those links out. I'm working on a Redguard companion mod and wanted some stories to go with it. Unfortunantly, as you pointed out, there aren't very many. I know little about Redguard lore (I got the idea for this after reading UESP), but I'll see if anything comes to mind after I check those links out.

Nice wee story Jac, and welcome to the forums. It's always good to see a new face around.

The story's great so far, but the scene with the battle could do with a bit of fleshing out with the surroundings. I know it's a beach but is it a sandy one or a stony one? Are their dunes? Any plant life?

Just put in a bit of description here and there and you ought to be fine.

First- welcome and well-met. Glad to have you here. I llike what you have here. The length is good for an in-game book. But you also have a foundation for a longer piece if you want it. Certainly follow bbq's suggestion to get more "Redguard culture" if you go on. Might be interesting to see some of Torrin's past as well as the present....

Thanks, guys. Due to the feedback asking for more, I decided to go ahead and extend it. This is what I have so far. I know it's not much, but if it's a good start, I'll continue it.

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My thoughts were interrupted by a heavy hand hitting my back. I staggered as Warrick’s hands grabbed me. “Never let your guard down, Torrin. I thought I taught you better than that.” I smiled at him sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Warrick.”

“Sorry won’t mean a thing if you’re dead, boy. Luckily for you, it seems that the Orcish scum have retreated. Come, we need to setup our base.”

I cleaned off my sword and tried to rub the sand from my hair as I followed Warrick to a clear area just off of the beach. The air stank of the dead and dying, but a breeze quickly blew the stench away. I stepped over the bodies, stopping here and there to comfort a dying soldier. To a man they commented on my bravery, but I told them that I thought they were the brave ones. They had given their lives to give us a home; Ruptga had smiled on us this day and would welcome them home in open arms. I wiped away a tear and stifled by cries as I approached Warrick, wanting to put forth a brave face. He stood at the edge of the beach, his hands on his hips, staring at me. “Torrin, don’t hid your emotions. No man follows a wooden king, nor does he follow a weak one. Your emotions show that you are human and can feel like one. But, while you should not be afraid of them, neither should you allow them to rule you. You are Yokudan, embrace it. Show the Ra Gada that you feel, but are not governed by it.”

I wiped another tear and nodded at Warrick before turning back to the beach, my gaze lingering over the dead and dying before turning back to him. “I understand, Warrick. Thank you.”

Warrick’s face split into a wide grin. “Good, good! Let the warriors bury their dead, you and I have an important task to accomplish.”

Hello mate, welcome to our humble forums.

I enjoyed this so far because I like the way you do battle scenes and I also agree with the others here when they said that there were too few stories about Redguards. The only thing I can see is that there are a few spelling errors, I can't really say much though I do the same thing...only more frequently than you do.

Edit: Also, excellent use of a wide spectrum of vocabulary.

Thanks, Kiln.

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Warrick turned around and led me away from the beach. We stopped at a clearing about a hundred paces away. Timber littered the area and a hundred men or so were busy moving and setting the logs. Warrick led me down to where a large man was bent over a table reading plans and barking out orders to those around him. He looked up at us as we approached and saluted, fist over heart. In a deep voice, he addressed us “Welcome, my prince and welcome, Warrick. I would have thought you two would be overseeing the battlegrounds.”

Warrick’s face split into that huge grin of his before he replied, slapping my back and causing me to stumble slightly. “We would, Garren, but his highness requested that his son learn all there is to know about our people so he’s here to work!”

Garren looked at Warrick, then at me before returning to Warrick. “Work, you say? Are you sure about that, Warrick? I mean-“

Warrick cut off his words with a stern glare. “I meant what I said, Garren. Torrin is going to learn the ways of our people and this is a good way to do so. So, what do you want us to do?”

Garren looked at me warily before gesturing us over. He pointed at the plans and said “I need the post holes dug for the East wall before we can erect the fencing.”

“Good, good! Well, Torrin, let’s go dig some holes!”

I rolled my eyes and smiled at Garren as we gathered the shovels and started towards where the East wall would be. I looked up at Warrick and asked “Warrick, how is this going to help me become a better ruler?”

He looked down at me. “It’s simple, Torrin. Those you lead must know that you are willing to do anything that you ask of them. Would you dig a hole for a man who wouldn’t do it himself?”

“Well, no.”

“Then why should others do the same for you? You rule at the sufferance of our people, Torrin, don’t ever forget that. Also, this will help you hone your body into a better weapon, one that will serve you well in the coming battles.”

“Do you think the Orcs will attack us again?”

“Of course they will. Those motherless sons of Sep would be foolish not to. No matter, we beat them once and we’ll do so again.”

I nodded as we stopped by the first hole to be dug. The day was hot and stayed that way up until the evening. Sweat poured off of our bodies as we dug holes, stopping only for brief periods of time to rest and drink water.

This is good. You put words together well and don't let things wander, a good trait for an in game book.

I think my main comment would be that it might benifit from some tension or more focused conflict, but equally well it has enough conflict with it being set in a warzone.

Thanks, Olen. I have an idea for something that might cause some tension, but we'll see how it plays out.

Smallish update.

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As the sun set, Garren walked over with a worried expression. “My prince, should you really be doing this?”

Warrick’s face split into a grin as he slapped my back. I staggered under the blow, exhaustion causing me to falter slightly. “Torrin here is learning how to be a man, Garren! A little hard work now and then does a boy good. Isn’t that right, Torrin?”

I smiled slightly at him before replying, “If you say so, Warrick.”

“But I do, Torrin, but I do! Come, let’s wash up and get something to eat!”

I nodded as I set down the tools and followed him into the barracks to clean up before sitting down to a quiet dinner. We turned in shortly after dinner.

My sleep was dreamless and short as the sun soon rose over the mountains behind the beach and shown through my window. I propped an eye open as a fist pounded on the door and Warrick’s booming voice filled my room. “Time to rise, Torrin, the wall is not going to build itself!” I mumbled that I would be out soon as I rose from the bed and prepared for a new day of working. Breakfast was eaten in silence before we again started work on the East wall.

We worked on the East wall for a little over a week until it was finished and our compound secure. On the eve of our finishing, we held a banquet and ate to the memory of our fallen. Our revelry was interrupted by a brilliant flash of light followed by a large bang. The Ra Gada instantly sprung to life, unsheathing swords and hefting shields as Orcs upon Orcs poured into the courtyard. I heard Warrick shout for me to get down as he thrust his blade into the neck of an attacking Orc. As it fell, it pulled Warrick down with it. He let go of the blade rolled as he hit the ground, but he was stopped by the legs of another Orc, battle axe poised to strike. I thrust my sword through its spine and out its chest, pushing it to the side as I did so. I jerked my sword free and held out a hand for Warrick. “Remember, Warrick, I may not always be there to watch your back” I said with a wink. He laughed and sprung to his feet before retrieving his sword. “Don’t get cocky, boy, you merely go lucky. Now, how about we take are of these motherless sons of Sep?”

Things are certainly moving on, I wander how the orcs got in...

You handled his building of the east wall well and kept the high pace. You could have descried more of the feast and attack but equally it would have decreased pace and if this is to be put in game pace is vital.

They used wizard's fire to destroy part of the wall. I may expand on this if necessary to show some type of weakness that would then have to be fixed after the battle.

I tried to keep the descriptions for this light because it is to be an ingame series, but I can always go back in and add more if necessary. I like to imagine what I'm reading, so an author overly describing something tends to turn me off. Then again, I do need something to work with.

Thanks, Olen.