)THURSDAY
They were here. I could see them standing outside the train station. They looked right at me, then away. Alex reached for his mobile phone to ring me. With a suaveness that would have impressed James Bond I said something eloquent like,
“Oi, you don’t need to bother ringing me mate, I’m right here.”
It was at this point that I remembered that I’d put on about two stone since the last picture I’d posted. I blame Dawn for this, it happened after I moved in with her. The pizzas, kebabs and beer have had nothing to do with it. Obviously.
Handshakes all around, and we started walking to the hotel I’d booked for them. One good thing about Huddersfield, pretty much everything is within walking distance. Except of course where I live, which is bleeding miles away. After signing them into the hotel (there was an inevitable farce about the booking I’d made) we headed back into town. It was time to show them the good stuff. Huddersfield at it’s finest. That took the first ten minutes. Then time for food. Starge had said that he liked curries, and as luck would have it one of my favourite pubs had a curry night on. Dawn came down to meet the people she’d heard so much about over the last couple of years, and we started drinking some ales. Alex doesn’t drink, but he tried a sip of cider (which he hated), wine (which he hated), ale (which he really hated) before we got him a double vodka and redbull. This would be the last time he’d touch alcohol for the duration. Either the curry or the booze – or a combination of the two – gave him a bit of an upset stomach, so he played it safe the rest of the time.
After the food, we moved on to another bar, where we got started on cocktails. There was an awesome cocktail made of Baileys, Crčme De Menthe and a bunch of other stuff, that tasted just like After Eight mints. And it was green. Anyone needs me, that’s going to be the best place to look from now on, it was gorgeous. Sadly, my memory starts to deteriorate as further cocktails were consumed. The only other thing I can remember is a girl sitting at the bar. Starge was smitten. Partly with her, and partly with her thong that was visible. I think it’s safe to say he’s a fan of the scenery in Huddersfield…
FRIDAY
So, their first full day in Huddersfield. We arranged to meet at their hotel at 8:00am. I turned up at 8:25 to find them waiting outside, A good start I thought. Today was time to show them the pretty part of Huddersfield. Which involved getting on a bus, and leaving it to go to Holmfirth. Sidenote, when travelling by bus don’t expect Alex to remain awake. He started to nod off shortly after we started – and this is the norm on public transport it would seem. Just thought I’d give everyone fair warning. If anyone has ever had the misfortune to see the British show “Last Of The Summer Wine”, you’ll know what it looks like. There’s a couple of cool second hand bookshops there that I thought Alex might like. I was correct, he tried to buy the majority of the fantasy books they had. I think it’s a mission he has, to remove these potentially harmful books from circulation. Either that or he likes reading them. Time will tell.
I had to pop in to the speciality chocolate shop to buy some choccy’s for Dawn (my life wouldn’t have been worth living if I didn’t) and discovered something I hadn’t known. Cadbury’s chocolate, which is the biggest selling brand in the UK, is apparently very hard to get in Holland. At least that was Alex’s excuse for buying a bar of Dairy Milk as big as his head.
After coffee, and a cream scone for me we had a conversation about cardio. Apparently both are big on going to the gym. I wonder if they were trying to tell me something… Nah! Anyway, back to Huddersfield on the bus – Alex seemed to stay awake, maybe the chocolate helped him. There they got what I believe to be the highlight of their trip – the chance to listen to teenage girls talk absolute bollocks amongst themselves for the entire duration of the journey. That was so much fun. Could be the new slogan for the town – “Come to Huddersfield and lose some IQ points.”
Anyway, we were back. So we went to another two bookstores. As you do. Then took Alex’s growing collection of books back to the hotel. After a quick bite to eat in the Crypt café (built under a church) we went to play pool, which they’d been wanting to do. We’ve played each other at online pool for years now on Yahoo, so I was interested to see what they were like in reality. The results were mixed. When they played me they weren’t bad at all (Stargelman beat me once in a great game). When they played each other though, it seemed like two different players. It was terrific fun though, you can’t get that same amount of good natured banter online. It was at this point that I decided that Alex should be henceforth known as Saint Alex, due to his never ending patience, despite the fact that I was taking the mick something chronic by this point.
After that came food, with Starge shocking nobody by having another curry, followed by beer. Well, cola for Saint Alex. He wasn’t falling for it again. The rest is a little hazy. I seem to remember the porter at the hotel being a bit of an arse about visitors, and an attempted debate about religion that no-one had the energy for, but that’s about it. A good day all in all.
SATURDAY
This was the first question I asked Saint Alex when we met up today.
“Did Stargelman snore last night?”
Stargelman look horrified at such a question, and proceeded to look even more horrified a few seconds later, when Alex made it clear that he had in fact snored the hotel down, and he’d had to put in earplugs to be able to sleep. Now you may be wondering why I asked the question in the first place. Well…let us just say that Dawn may have mentioned it in passing over night that I was snoring a little bit. Actually she kicked me full force, and yelled at me to stop. It’s a common occurrence, so common we have a name for it over here. The Ale Snores. As much as Starge was mortified, I must admit I was greatly relieved it hadn’t just been me! Added bonus – I think it’s a perfect nickname for him from now on. The Snorer. Has a certain ring to it, don’t you think?
We then popped into town for a coffee. When I say we I mean of course Stargelman and I had a coffee. Alex had a pineapple fruit drink thingy. I can’t remember what we talked about at all there, I was mainly concentrating on trying to get caffeine into my system at this point, and eating a bagel without spilling the jam on myself.
The next stop was Leeds, which is the nearest big city. I figured they might like to have a little look at shops that actually sold something. First stop? My favourite bookshop, natch. There’s no point in going into detail with this, as you can all figure out what happened. We went into two bookshops, and Saint Alex continued his mission to rid the city of every available fantasy book. He shouldn’t run out of reading material any time soon in any case. After that, we went to the biggest music store in town, HMV. Yes, we went there for Stargelman, and yes, he’d started to look like he wanted to shoot himself in the bookshops. Or us. I followed him down the metal aisle, and listened to his commentary. This is kind of how it went.
“Okay, metal. So…wait a second. This isn’t metal! Oh my God, how can they class this as metal, it’s crap.” Looks at a few CD’s by various bands. “Crap, crap, crap, cr..ooh, I don’t have this one.” I glance at the cover, and see a band I’ve never heard of staring back at me. “They’re really good. Unlike these.” Continues with his previous in depth analysis. “Crap, crap, crap, Blink 182??!! Metal??!! You have to be kidding me, they’re..” Spots an obscure German band that, you’ve guessed it, I’d never heard of. “Now this is awesome! I don’t have this!” And so on. Alex had by this point made his escape to the DVD section where he bought… No, I can’t tell you. It’s far too embarrassing for the poor lad. Oh, okay then. A wrestling DVD. Hold on, I have to be honest. The commentary down the metal aisle? I may have expressed one or two views myself on the bands there. Sadly I can’t remember what I said. Shame that.
After that, back to Huddersfield, and a bit of a farce. I’d planned on us having a couple of games of chess – Alex and I used to play against each other on Yahoo a year or two back. Sadly I’d forgotten one minor detail. The chessboard. So we grabbed a taxi, threw Saint Alex and The Snorer out at their hotel whilst I went back to the house to pick it up, arguing with the taxi driver about the fare all the way there. Got the board, back out the house, onto the bus, walked up the hill to their hotel. By this point I was sodding knackered. Walked back down the hill, into town, into a pub for food (Sandwich for Alex, Burger for me, Curry for Stargelman – which was a resounding failure for all concerned. Note – if you travel to Huddersfield and have a hankering for a curry, don’t bother going to Yates wine bar for one.) Then, finally, to the park to settle down to a nice relaxing game of chess. Bliss I tell you, sheer bliss. We’ll overlook that the travel chess set was missing two of the white pawns. Played a few games, got told I was far too cocky (honestly, some people) then it started to rain. This could only mean one thing. Time to find another pub. After an aimless, long, rather damp walk we ended up in the same place as the night before, so they could play pool again. Sadly they hadn’t got miraculously better overnight. I contented myself watching the first match of the European Championships, whilst they played their first game. Apparently they were using the same rules as last night, judging by how many times the white went off the table or into the pockets. I was especially pleased to see they were getting value for money – a single game lasted nearly twenty minutes. Most impressive. I did get hit by a strike of inspiration for a short story though, which you’ll be able to read in a few days. I think you’ll guess the inspiration when you read it.
After that, beer time for Starge and me, Cola time for Alex. I think you’ll understand that my memory gets a little hazy from this point on. I do remember Dawn joining us. She’d been at a festival all day, and had drunk quite a bit, so was very chatty, very loud, very drunk and apparently we entertained our guests by squabbling about…nothing probably – as usual. I think we then went to get food. Kebab for me and Dawn, Curry – of course – for Stargelman and I don’t think Alex had anything. I do remember spilling the sauce for the kebab all over my shirt though. And that was Saturday. A fun day!
SUNDAY
Well the plan was to meet up at around ten past eight and head for breakfast in town. A great plan. Would have been better if anywhere had been open of course. Huddersfield before 10am on a Sunday is deserted. Nothing is open – no coffee shops, no café’s. Nothing. Except McDonalds of course, and I knew what response that suggestion would have been met with. Therefore, I managed to beg the guesthouse to let me sit in with them for breakfast, and have a bowl of cereal and a coffee. The coffee wasn’t too bad actually, better than I expected. After that a walk in the sun down to the station. Amazingly the weather had been really good for their visit (Friday obviously excepted), and it seemed fitting the sun was shining on them. A little chat for an hour outside the station, where Saint Alex again expressed the notion that I was perhaps a little sadistic (I have no idea where he got such a notion from), before heading over to the platform to say our farewells.
Overall, it was a terrific few days, and I’m delighted I got to meet them both, and I look forward to meeting them again. Over three years of talking to someone over the Internet is great in itself, but meeting the people behind the words? Awesome, there’s simply no other word to describe it. I will leave it to Dawn to have the final word, as this was what she kept babbling in her drunken stupor on Saturday night.
“Stargleman is so funny, and Alex is just sooo cute. Don’t you think Alex is cute?”
“Yes honey, Alex is very nice.”
“Not just nice, he’s sooo cute.”
“He seems to be a lovely person. So does Stargelman.”
“Oh, Stargelman’s funny, he’s really funny, he makes me laugh. But Alex is cute. He’s such a cutey. Don’t you think he’s a cutey?”
“I’m not really an expert in male cuteness, you know what I mean?”
“Oh trust me, he is. Very cute. They both are. Very cute.”
And so it went until I finally, blissfully, lost consciousness. The fact is though; Stargleman is really funny, and Alex? Well. Dawn would adopt him in a second. I guess he’s kinda cute…
