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Kitchen.Sink
My first post here. Say what you think. Genius or junk—wont bother me either way.



In a Furrow, On a Hill


THEY had reached an impasse. Even the air, I must admit, seemed in a mood to mock those men that afternoon. The wind would blow down from the north, cold though gentle, and set the trees and tufts of wildflowers into a soft swaying all along the hill.

“It hardly seems just,” said the swordsman at the south, “that you should have the wind at your back, while I must suffer it to be at my eyes.”

“Yes,” the other replied, lowering his sword. “T’is not proper. We most certainly have reached an impasse.”

Oh, the Nine, blessed though they be, care little for our worldly affairs!

If any adventurer should strike out east and a little north of Bleaker’s Way, crossing the Silver Road just north of our fair capitol, that eager soul would thus feast upon the sight of some of the steepest hills in all Cyrodiil. A humble village man such as myself must heave his way up their entire height, cursing his calves at such a simple exercise in exhaustion. Therein lay the dilemma of these two duellists: the steepness of the hills provided the comfort of seclusion so necessary in a duel, yet this same terrain proved to be a sorry expanse for duelling. The only available ground that was level and proper to their purpose was in a small furrow; a narrow rut of low grass running north to south along the edge of the ruins of Anga. If the north wind blew, which, by Akatosh, it was on that fair day, one man might turn an unnatural advantage upon the other.

Standing near to me (for I was not the only party present) were two other men there to witness the event, each for reasons of his own. One, a hot mouthed, suavely dressed printer was there to fill his Bravil paper with yet another sensational story. “The Argonians down there really eat these ‘honour dramas’ up,” he had spoke so proud. The other, a red-headed youth dressed in naught but an unadorned robe, the deep green of a novice of the arcane arts, kept his intentions quietly to himself.

“Shall we retire then, so as to wait for the wind to die?” asked the north-standing swordsman.

“I suppose we ought.”

The two men sheathed their swords, but neither relinquished his position. Even for honour’s sake, trust was not a thing to be trusted easily. The south-standing soldier eventually broke the stalemate by lifting his helmet, where revealed beneath was a handsome face, though slightly scarred, with emerald eyes and head of black hair. Were I not but a simple medicine man from out the village way, but perhaps a long-standing gambler or maybe a maid yearning for marriage, I suspect that his name would have flown instantly upon my lips. He sauntered past his opponent and settled on one of the ruined pillars nearby. The other swordsman clearly pondered doing the same.

Finding a pillar of his own would not have been difficult, that much was true. The stones of Anga were white with a bit of black tarnishing about them and lay scattered here and there around the forest at the crest of the hill. I confess to knowing nothing of the lore of the place, save that now it is dead and empty; its purpose having long been lost to the weather and the ivy tangled round it all. The wind, as it blew through the spaces of the stones, gave off a hollow calling.

When the other swordsman finally decided to sit and likewise lift his helmet, a sweating head of unmistakable auburn was revealed.

“Tell me true, sir,” said the Printer to the Youth. “You are none other than that swordsman’s relation, are you not?”

“Yes. It is so.”

Though it was evident that the Printer needed more news to pad his paper, the Youth sat contented, a grim expression speaking on his mouth’s behalf.

“Perhaps, then,” tried the Printer at another tack, “you might offer me the reasons behind these two coming to clash arms here today?”

“T’is an old feud, I fear.”

The Printer’s eyes enlivened as the romance of the whole affair intrigued him. “And for how many years has this feud been waged, then?”

“Too many to rightly know. Centuries, I suppose.”

“Oh, come again?”

“T’is a blood feud. We inherited it from our fathers, and they from theirs.”

The Printer smiled at what was turning out to be a fair tale. “Please, pardon my prying, but why has it persisted for so long a time?”

“I have often wondered the same.”

The wind lessened and the leaves and wildflowers along the hill returned to stillness. The two swordsmen waited a generous interval (this was not the first time the wind had spoiled this sport) before returning their helmets and marching out to their former positions in the furrow.

“Quickly,” the Printer cried. “What happened so many centuries ago to bring your two families to blows?”

The Youth spoke with his eyes upon the fighters, speaking more to himself than the Printer. “I have often wondered the same.”

The two duellists unsheathed their swords and, for the second time that day, the hills received the sound of steel. Neither man carried a shield—protection of that sort would only exhaust the process. Each was viciously aware of the stakes.

I confess, knots were bundling in my stomach as I watched those two men raise their swords in salute. Their eyes, though barely seen beneath the black slits of their helmets, stared stark and graven. This was not a clash of drunk passion, nor a settling of scores; to them it was duty, much as the meat must face the grinder. I found myself in a state of shivers.

“If not a soul can recall the reason behind this feud,” continued the Printer, “what in Tamriel are these two at arms for?”

“That one’s mother,” said the Youth pointing toward the swordsman at the south, “she tells him that he may not marry lest he humiliate or slay the enemy heir, who, by chance, is my brother. Though I am the elder of us two, my life has been consigned to magic, so I cannot inherit by the laws of my name. Thus my brother fights this day.”

“Truly, you look much younger than he!”

“My brother has seen some dark days.”

Silence settled among us while all Cyrodiil went still. Even the birds and crickets went mute as they do with the coming of the rains.

“Let us commence.”

The north swordsman raised his blade a little above his chest. The south set his weight upon his knees. They both risked an inch forward, a single step, before returning to a stare. Each was gauging the other, like lions plucking at one another’s manes. Several feet’s worth of distance remained between them. The south swordsman, now a viper in the low grass, widened his feet along the earth for better balance. The north countered by tightening his grip higher on the handle. Another uneasy stare ensued.

Suddenly the south swordsman sprang out of his stance, crying out and swinging in a single slash upwards. The north brought his blade down hard and the sound of meeting steel rang out around the trees. The north applied pressure, knowing that leverage was in his favour.

The south, seeing his disadvantage at once, drew his sword to the side, grinding it along the underside of the north’s blade, and soon freed it with a fine space to aim its tip into the north swordsman’s chink at the armpit. Each pressed his own advantage and remained oblivious to the intentions of the other; a vision twinkled in their eyes as each felt that he had bested the other. The north raised his blade for momentum. The south steadied for accuracy. In a second more, they both leapt to life. The south’s blade struck the mark first, his sword ploughing deep into the north swordsman’s side. The north however, by instinct and by sheer momentum, continued with his slash downward and buried his blade right into the neck of his opponent—a spew of gore more terrible than I had ever witnessed erupted from under that man’s helmet.

The Printer’s mouth fell open as he cried out.

I gripped my eyes in my hands and fought off of the urge to weep and vomit both at once.

Their bodies struck the earth, a mix of flesh and dead metal. The south swordsman was gone before he even hit the ground. The north lay with his lung punctured, his hand raised to the Heavens. It seemed as if he were trying to cry out, but the words were lost to a primitive gasping. Within time, he began to writhe in panic like an animal arrowed at hunt.

Shock held us rooted in our place. When one among us finally did brave motion, it was as if emerging from a stupor. The Youth started off down the hill, walking calmly, picking his way round the stones hidden in the high grass. His brother’s continued gasping and gurgling was piteous without compare. But what could either the Youth or I have done? The man’s lung was punctured, in through one side and out the other—well beyond the reach of my medicine and the Youth’s limited magery. He was to be dead within the minute.

“Is it done!” called the Printer in a rage, tears now upon his cheeks. “Is it over now that both the bloody heirs are dead in this wretched way? Is it done and over? Oh, by the Nine, let it be so!”

And I shall never forget the Youth’s reply. The wind had started again, howling through the hollows of the stones as he peered over his shoulder and said, “If you have to ask, sir, it most probably is not.”

END
Black Hand
well, maybe not quite the level of genius, but this is definitely very well written. I loved it! Keep 'em coming!
kementari
An eye for an eye was all that filled their minds
And another eye for another eye, till everybody's blind
.
LadySaira
QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 3 2008, 01:19 AM) *

An eye for an eye was all that filled their minds
And another eye for another eye, till everybody's blind
.


An eye for an eye, the trick to it is, to be the first to poke out an eye. laugh.gif
kementari
So, my initial reply here was a stanza from the song this moving piece made me think of. I apologize for the lack of coherency at the time and the flurry of RL activity in the following days that prevented this from coming earlier. wink.gif


Overall, the setting, plot, and tone are very good. I would say that the pacing moves a little awkwardly - very well for the most part, but the dialogue between "Tell me true, sir" and "Let us commence" seems to dull some of the anticipation you had so well worked up before that section. I might even go so far as to say that simply rearranging certain of the sections (for example, putting the conversation that occurs between "Tell me true" and the first "I have often wondered the same" immediately after "I suppose we ought" -- as a sidenote, this would also make the repetition of "I have often wondered the same" more poignant) would do the trick.


A trio of critical questions occurred to me on the first read, and I'll pose them to you for reflection, though I don't think either of them is problematic enough to warrant change to the story unless you feel the need.

First, who was the narrator, and what were his reasons for being there? (Again, not necessary to add, but the reader is left wondering, and not everyone thinks of that as a good quality.)

Second, why wouldn't the north swordsman's brother put him out of his agony? Isn't that what a second is for? If he wasn't there to be his second, maybe your narrator could evidence surprise at his lack of concern for his brother.

Third, why the inclusion of an appeal to the Nine in the beginning? I expected to see some reference to it later.


Some particulars in word choice and phrasing:

- "eager soul would thus feast upon the sight" - I'd change to "feast his eyes upon the sight". It's not technically incorrect the way you have it, but it's a little weird-sounding.

- "he had spoke so proud" - again, not technically incorrect, but "spoken" sounds better.

- "trust was not a thing to be trusted" - Did you mean to do this? I think the first "trust" might have slipped in there while you were reorienting the sentence. Perhaps "one's opponent" shouldn't be trusted.

- "flown instantly upon my lips." - "to" your lips. smile.gif

- "gave off a hollow calling." - Maybe "a hollow keening"?

- "the hills received the sound of steel" - The phrasing of this sentence seems to imply that they've begun to fight. Additionally, perhaps the hills "ringing" with the sound is better.

- "Several feet’s worth of distance" - just make it "several feet of distance" or even "several feet". As feet are a measure of distance, using their "worth of distance" is redundant.

- "the sound of meeting steel" - Personally, I'd put it to "the sound of steel" or "the sound of steel meeting steel". Not technically anything wrong with your choice, but it sounds clunky.

- "the north swordsman’s chink at the armpit" - Conceptually clear, but the wording here is awkward. Consider rephrasing without the use of the word "chink". Perhaps reference his "unarmored armpit".

- "Within time, he began to writhe" - Consider simply dropping the "within time". It seems like hours are passing there, instead of just minutes.

- "piteous without compare." - "beyond" compare. smile.gif

- The final one-liner is more poignant if the last word is dropped, e.g., "Is it over now..?" "If you have to ask, sir, it most probably is not."

- Capitalizing the Y in "Youth" is distracting. I understand why you chose to do it that way, but I think it's unnecessary.


I hope these help. Let me know if anything is unclear or if I can be of more assistance.
Kitchen.Sink
Thank you, kementari, for such a fine spate of criticism. Each of these issues was clearly well thought and presented sincerely.

While literary criticism, in and of itself, warrants no explanations by the writer, I have decided to include a few explanations so that the readers at large might gain a better grasp of this particular magician and his bag of tricks.

QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 5 2008, 05:29 AM) *

First, who was the narrator, and what were his reasons for being there? (Again, not necessary to add, but the reader is left wondering, and not everyone thinks of that as a good quality.)


Much of my explanation will center around this one crucial point: narrators are unreliable. They bring to the story their own perspectives, words, and prejudices. What reason would the narrator of this tale have to explain who he was and what he was doing at the duel? His audience in the fictional world would know, via context. The inclusion of such information would (most likely) seem forced, and thus interfere with the tone and pacing. I emphasize ‘most likely’ because in the hands of a better writer, perhaps such an inclusion would not seem forced. Perhaps.

Upon closer inspection, you might notice that there are some imbedded clues as to who the narrator is within the fictional world he inhabits.

QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 5 2008, 05:29 AM) *

Second, why wouldn't the north swordsman's brother put him out of his agony? Isn't that what a second is for? If he wasn't there to be his second, maybe your narrator could evidence surprise at his lack of concern for his brother.


This question is one that the reader was intended to ponder. I did not want the narrator’s impressions of the Youth’s actions to leave a lingering bias in the minds of readers.

QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 5 2008, 05:29 AM) *

Third, why the inclusion of an appeal to the Nine in the beginning? I expected to see some reference to it later.


The invocation of the Nine occurs once more by the Printer, near the end of the story. It creates a cyclical connection; a symbol representing the cycle of constant violence and revenge. The ‘end ’ and ‘beginning’ of conflict, or any endeavor, are just relative markers.

QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 5 2008, 05:29 AM) *

- "eager soul would thus feast upon the sight" - I'd change to "feast his eyes upon the sight". It's not technically incorrect the way you have it, but it's a little weird-sounding.

- "he had spoke so proud" - again, not technically incorrect, but "spoken" sounds better.
- "flown instantly upon my lips." - "to" your lips.

- "gave off a hollow calling." - Maybe "a hollow keening"?

- "the hills received the sound of steel" - The phrasing of this sentence seems to imply that they've begun to fight. Additionally, perhaps the hills "ringing" with the sound is better.

- "Several feet’s worth of distance" - just make it "several feet of distance" or even "several feet". As feet are a measure of distance, using their "worth of distance" is redundant.

- "the sound of meeting steel" - Personally, I'd put it to "the sound of steel" or "the sound of steel meeting steel". Not technically anything wrong with your choice, but it sounds clunky.

- "the north swordsman’s chink at the armpit" - Conceptually clear, but the wording here is awkward. Consider rephrasing without the use of the word "chink". Perhaps reference his "unarmored armpit".

- "Within time, he began to writhe" - Consider simply dropping the "within time". It seems like hours are passing there, instead of just minutes.

- "piteous without compare." - "beyond" compare.


These examples, plus many unmentioned ones, are an attempt on my part to create a Cyrodiil colloquial. Again, narrators bring to the story their own perspectives, words, and prejudices. Had I chosen to write in the third person, then I would have been free to write according to the dictates of my own inner voice.

QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 5 2008, 05:29 AM) *

"trust was not a thing to be trusted" - Did you mean to do this? I think the first "trust" might have slipped in there while you were reorienting the sentence. Perhaps "one's opponent" shouldn't be trusted.


Fully intentional.

QUOTE(kementari @ Jun 5 2008, 05:29 AM) *

- The final one-liner is more poignant if the last word is dropped, e.g., "Is it over now..?" "If you have to ask, sir, it most probably is not."


I could not agree more. I agree so much, in fact, that I will edit the original post.
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