Chaos in Chorrol

There was chaos in Chorrol last night as the Gray Fox, accompanied by a most lascivious Dremora, descended upon the town. The purpose of their visit remains unknown, but they left a lasting impression to be sure. As they entered the town, one of Chorrol's finest stopped them and informed the Gray Fox that, "You're under arrest for all sorts of things. I can bring you in dead or alive, but I think you'll give me less trouble if you're dead.". At which point the guard drew his sword and attacked. The Gray Fox, following the longstanding traditions of the Thieves Guild, refrained from striking back and simply defended herself with her shield. By this time, the Dremora who was with her had stepped in front of the Gray Fox, and was taking the full force of the guard's blows. Being true to his nature, though also following the laws of Cyrodil, this Dremora waited until he had been struck a number of times before brandishing his weapon (a rather large warhammer), and striking back. The guard, apparently overzealous in his attemps to bring in the Gray Fox, foolishly ignored the blows given to him by the Dremora until it was too late.

As this scuffle was ending, another guard entered the picture. Attempting to stay a safe distance away, this new guard opted to use range spells and archery to end the careers of both the Gray Fox and the Dremora. He did not succeed. A now enraged Dremora was loose on the streets of Chorrol. Cries of ""Run away!"!", "To arms!", and "Don't hurt me!" rang out as more guards came running to the area by the Great Oak, swords drawn and bows at the ready. While a few went after the Gray Fox, who continued to use only her shield in her defense, most concentrated on the battle hardened Dremora . Most of the townspeople in the immediate area had wisely departed, but a few had already been hit a number of times by errant arrows and spells. Peace between the races of Tamriel being tenuous at best, fights between townspeople and guards began, only adding to the chaos and confusion. It was during this distraction that the Gray Fox and her companion managed to gain entry into the private quartersof the castle.

As the two miscreants made their way towards the personal rooms of Countess Valga, it became apparent that security at Castle Chorrol was not as tight as one might think. Any attempts by the palace staff to halt the two proved futile. Embarrassingly, most took only one swing at the Dremora, if that, then ran away. When the pair came upon the Countess Valga, she showed her noble mettle in a tactical display that appeared irresolute, indecisive, wishy-washy, and not particularly effective. The sly Countess went from brandishing her weapon in a bold assault upon the Dremora, to fainting and screaming in fear, "Don't hurt me !", to resuming the attack once again. Ah, nobility.

By the next morning, over 1/2 the town guard had been slain, and quite a few of the residents injured, but all was peaceful in Chorrol again . Nobody seemed to notice the petite Dunmer female sitting next to a Dremora under the Great Oak perusing a book of rather interesting pictures.


The Chorrol town guard is now accepting applicants. If interested, inquire with Bittnold the Curse-Bringer.

great idea - you might consider adjusting the story a little bit to fit the pictures better or vice versa!

Maybe now we will see more of this soon?

You seem to use a lot of cliches, colloquialisms, and aphorisms in your prose. I'm not going to say that's objectively bad, since some fiction (especially comedy - think Douglas Adams or Dave Barry) is intended to be read tongue-in-cheek. However, for the most part, it can tend to make your writing read more like a TV commercial than a piece of literature, and from the seriousness of the plot, I'm not certain that's the angle you were going for.

Things like:

"I can bring you in dead or alive, but I think you'll give me less trouble dead"
"true to his nature"
"brandishing his weapon"
"overzealous in his attempts"
"it was too late"
"entered the picture"
the guard "opted"
"tenuous at best"
"security" described as "tight"
"attempts...proved futile"
"showed her mettle"
"tactical display"
"Ah, nobility" as part of your prose, rather than a character's speech

are all phrases that have become detectably commonplace in fantasy literature to the point where they sound more like advertising than narrative, or else are simply too colloquial to sound right as part of a narrative.

You may also wish to refrain from things like:

- starting a sentence with "at which point", which renders the sentence a fragment. You will find that almost any sentence that begins with a preposition and doesn't provide a comma after the completion of the prepositional phrase is a fragment.
- using numerical descriptions in prose (like "1/2" instead of "half").

Also, it seems like you got all the way into a combat sequence for no detectable objective - the end comes abruptly, and the reader is left wondering what they missed. Why did the Gray Fox and this Dremora attack Chorrol in the first place? What happened to the Countess? Most importantly, why does nobody in town seem to "notice" a Dremora - highly unusual in Cyrodiil, especially in a place that had just been attacked by one the day prior? I'd call this the most important problem. As important as mechanical correctness and prosaic flow are to fanfiction, your plot absolutely needs to make cohesive sense.


Hope this helps. Let me know if you'd like further clarification on any of these points.

jajajaaaaaaa.....I like your story Chiggie! It's an unusual approach and it's teasing.....So will you please continue? I would be very happy if you did..m'kay?

Well I thought this was amazing. Keep up the good work!

That was hilarious! Bravo! Bravo!
We need more humor to read and this was perfect!