I know, it is a bit short. But it's just a starter to see how you guys like it.

Serverus slowly crept along the dark halls of the Ayleid ruin. His delicately runed shortsword in his hand. He was a young Imperial of twenty years; with flowing black hair that reached just past his shoulders. A scar ran gracefully down his slightly muscular arm.

He had sworn to himself that he would kill the man who had so wrongfully murdered his first love, Marcella, the only person he had left in his life. The man was jealous and he attempted to court her. After failure at this task, he killed her and threw her body into the river. Serverus knew the man was here. He had spent many days and much gold hunting him down. The man was highly protected by men in ebony armor.

He entered a small room. Serverus searched through the contents of every container. There was a letter on a table next to a dented and scarred shield. He unfolded the letter and examined its contents.

Casimir,

I will gladly pay you five thousand gold pieces for ten more of your men. Send them to the clearing east of the Red Ring Road. I do not wish for my location to be revealed. I hope you understand why I need these men. I will see you there, my legionnaire friend.

A friend

Serverus laughed to himself. It was a little too late for the man to be concerned of his hideout being found. He folded the letter up and placed it into his pack; he then left the room and headed north, deeper into the ruin.

Chapter II

Serverus heard metal slapping against the cold stone of the fort. He jumped into a corner obscured in darkness. A man rushed past and Serverus caught the wind from his movement. A chill ran up his spine, his heart was racing; he crawled from the corner and went further into the old fort. He heard laughter and the melodic clinking of tankards. He caught a strong odor of boar and venison. They must be having themselves a party, those bastards, he thought to himself. He skulked past the slightly ajar door, not wanting to start a brawl between himself and the bulky men in the gold trimmed ebony armor.

His hatred for the man that killed Marcella ran deep. Serverus saw with his own eyes what he did to her. He dug his dagger into her stomach and pulled her entrails from her bleeding body. Serverus could do nothing to stop him as he didn’t have a weapon. All he could do was stand in shock at what was happening to his lover. He fled from the small town and did not return for many years.

Serverus shook the thoughts of Marcella from his mind and headed to a large door with fancy etchings on the frame. He knew this was the door that led to his enemy’s room. He cracked the door a tiny bit so he could see into the dimly lit room. Serverus could not see everything, but he could see many books lining the shelves and expensive looking alchemical equipment on desks. Then, the sight of him sauntering about talking to himself made Serverus give a silent chuckle; he looked fretful. He sat at his desk and pulled a piece of parchment and a quill from a drawer. He was writing with a trembling hand. The man’s death would be slow and painful; Serverus would do the same thing to the man as he had done to Marcella.

Serverus stepped into the room, his sword drawn. An anger burned within his soul. The man flinched at his sight and pulled a dagger from his belt. He opened his mouth to say something but Serverus shot his hand into the air to silence him.

“Do you remember me? I am the ‘helpless boy’ who had to witness you killing Marcella. I have been plotting your death for many years. Do not call for help, as it would do no good. They are dead; each of them, slaughtered in their own special way. Maeltor, it’s time for you to atone for what you have done!” Serverus shouted. The man lunged at Serverus; he easily dodged the scrawny dagger. Maeltor muttered a spell and Serverus felt an icy wind rush past his ear. He spun and cut Maeltor’s back. He ran from the room, throwing spell after spell behind him. Serverus almost caught up to him, but a door shot open and men poured out of it. Maeltor sprinted past them and left the fort; Serverus ran after him and bounded from the thick wooden door and into the night. Maeltor had vanished and Serverus ducked behind an old stone wall. The men looked about the darkness and angrily shouted for not catching him. They filed back inside and Serverus knew where he would go next…

Chapter III

The wintry night froze Serverus. He stopped at an old inn a little ways west of the Silver road. He entered the dim room and he could hear a low chatter of several people sitting at the battered stools and wobbly tables. He walked up to the proprietor and asked for a steaming bowl of beef stew. The innkeeper left the room and returned shortly after with the stew in hand. Serverus took the first bite and his bones were immediately warmed.

The stew reminded him of his mother’s cooking; it was truly divine. She had the ability to make even the most bitter of foods into something amazing. But his moment of bliss was quickly cut short when a man strode over to him.

“Serverus! How have things been going?” asked the man. He had quite the bubbly personality. Serverus realized that the happy man was his old friend from his hometown, Marcus.

“Couldn’t be any better, Marcus,” he lied. Serverus was not the one to speak of his emotions openly. He wanted to tell Marcus about what had happened only a few hours ago.

“What happened to you? Did you and Marcella run off again? Haha. You and her, always dithering about,” Marcus clearly did not know about her. Serverus stood up from the table and got face to face with him. “Did you not know that she died?! She was murdered by that damned brute, Maeltor. You remember him, don’t you? That sadistic honoured user is the reason I was gone for so long!” The low chatter had stopped and everyone was staring at Serverus and Marcus. He went up to the bar and handed the innkeeper two septims. Serverus had no desire to stay there for the night, so he stepped out into the cold. Marcus hurried after him.

“I’m sorry, Serverus. I had no idea… I… please excuse my stupidity,” Marcus said apologetically. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to hunt him down and gut him like the pig he is!” Serverus shot back. He pulled a torch from his belt and lit it. Marcus looked at him and asked, “Can I come with you? I can help, honestly.” Serverus said yes and they walked down trodden path to the main road.

Along the way, Marcus asked where they were going. Serverus told him they were going to a clearing east of the Red Ring Road. He warned Marcus that it would be a risky thing to do. Marcus did not care and Serverus knew so. They spoke of many things, including what Marcus had been doing all of those years. Books were a favorite pastime of Serverus and Marcus, so they talked about that as well. Serverus’ favorite book was “Hallgerd’s Tale”.

They had arrived at the Imperial City for a quick rest. It was early in the morning and none of the usually crowded market stalls were open. They sat in the courtyard and drank mead from the local tavern.

Serverus and Marcus decided to get to the clearing before noon, so they could get a good position on Maeltor. If he showed up, that is.

They entered the forest and continued their trek east. It did not take long to find the rather large clearing. In fact, there was a small cabin at the edge of it. Serverus set up two tents further away from the path with which they had followed while Marcus searched the cabin.

It was late and Marcus had found nothing in the cabin. In the distance, Serverus could hear marching. Marcus had heard it as well, as he was cupping his hand around his ear to hear better…

Interesting. A little fast moving though. I'd read more when you post it.

Chapter IV

The marching grew loud and Serverus peered through the trees and saw ten of those men in ebony armor. There was a man in front; he was wearing Legion armor. Serverus knew this was the contact that Maeltor had written of in that letter. They all stood in formation at the center of the clearing.

A rustle in the bushes in front of the men made them jump. A figure emerged from the darkness and dusted himself off. He was wearing dark colored robes and a hood that hid his face. The man in Legion armor waved his hand and the ebony clad men withdrew their hands from the hilts of their swords.

“I hope you have my gold, Maeltor,” the Legion man said. Maeltor shook his head and dragged a large sack from the bush he was hiding in over to the man. Serverus realized that the Legion man was Cyrus, the man from the letter. Cyrus leaned over and opened the bag. It had exactly five- thousand gold pieces in it. He smiled and turned to his men. “All of you are under the command of my good friend, Maeltor. Do what he asks of you.” Cyrus turned and left the enclosure. Serverus leaned over to Marcus.

“I’m going to follow Cyrus. You keep watch over Maeltor,” he whispered. Marcus nodded and crept a bit closer to the edge of the clearing.

Serverus followed the sounds of twigs snapping and the quiet crunch of the leaves. He wanted answers from Cyrus; of course, he did not know how he would get a highly trained soldier to disclose any information on Maeltor.

Cyrus was on the Red Ring Road and Serverus had perched himself in a tree further ahead of him. He was waiting for his moment to bound from the shadows and tackle Cyrus to the ground.

Cyrus was right in front of the tree and Serverus dove from his branch. There was a great struggle, Serverus had been thrown off of Cyrus and they were back on their feet; both of their weapons drawn. Cyrus rushed at him and Serverus blocked the heavy blow. The strain was great on his arms, but he rolled from under the silver long sword and kicked Cyrus in the back of his leg. His legs buckled and he toppled over. But he was quickly back on his feet and his blade flew above Serverus’ head, cutting several hairs off in the process. Serverus landed a clean blow on Cyrus’ arm. He merely shook off the pain and threw a punch at Serverus. Serverus swung the flat of his blade at Cyrus’ outstretched arm and the sound of bones being snapped rung through the chilled night air. He attempted to run from Serverus in his heavy armor, but it slowed him down greatly. Serverus had pushed him to the ground, his blade to the throat of the corrupt Legion soldier.

“What does Maeltor plan to do with all of those men?” Serverus demanded through huffs.

“I’m not telling you a damned thing!” Cyrus shouted back. He was breathing rapidly and heavily. “I’d rather die!”

“Tell me or I’ll cut your throat!” Serverus pressed the blade harder to his neck.

“Okay! I’ll… tell you. He’s planning to take over one of the cities, I don’t know which one; I only agreed because he said he’d give me a part of the loot. I knew it was an idiotic thing to do, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Is that it?” Serverus asked, his sword still pressed hard on Cyrus’ flesh.

“Yes! Please let me go, I have a family.” Serverus thought of what Cyrus had just said. He understood what it was like to have someone taken from him, but he could not take the chance. His anger got the best of him and he killed the soldier. Serverus dragged the body to the edge of Lake Rumare; he found a large stone and tied Cyrus’ feet to it. He shoved the rock the lake and Cyrus’ body was carried under.

Serverus sheathed his sword and made his way back to the large clearing…

Here's the next chapter to Serverus. Comments would be welcome!

Chapter V

Serverus entered their small encampment and saw Marcus leaning against a battered old tree trunk. He looked up and nodded at Serverus.

“While you were gone, they began to prepare things for their journey south. Maeltor had a sense of worry in his voice; he knows we are coming for him,” he said as he took a bite out of an apple. Serverus nodded and sat at the tree across from Marcus; for a while, they sat in silence, eating their terrible excuse for dinner.

“How have my mother and father been?” Serverus asked to break the eerie silence that enshrouded them.

“They’ve been rather… lost without you there to help them,” he answered. The sound of chewing came from his direction; he paused for a moment, waiting on a reply from Serverus.

“Well, they’ll have to fend for themselves for now. I have to kill Maeltor.” There was a harmonious sound coming from the clearing in front of them. Repair hammers melodiously clanged against the dings and dents of the men’s armor while the symphony of blade against blade sounded off into the quiet night around them.

Marcus had gone to bed, Serverus was determined to see where Maeltor was planning on going. Maeltor exited the cabin and raised a hand; the men stopped what they were doing and ran to their formations, five men each in a small squadron. He walked up and down their line and nodded as he went. “Okay, you all look worthy for this task. Follow me,” he said with confidence as he strode south out of the clearing. Serverus moved over to the slow breathing Marcus and shook him.

“Get up! Get up! Maeltor is leaving now,” Serverus said as Marcus sleepily arose from his bedroll. “Leave our stuff here; we’ll have to come back later to retrieve it.”

Maeltor’s men began to march from the clearing and Maeltor had stood to wait at the edge of it. Serverus and Marcus skulked behind them.

They had been moving through endless wilderness and Marcus began to grow groggy. Serverus had to push him on, as he didn’t wish to lose their trail on Maeltor after they had gotten so far.

Then, out of the receding darkness, a tall structure loomed in the sky; it was an Ayleid ruin. Serverus’ heart started racing through absolute excitement. The soldiers stopped at the entrance as Maeltor moved his hands along the finely cut door. It glowed a wondrous deep blue and opened magically; the wonders of the Ayleid were great and mysterious. Serverus decided to write a book on the Ayleid ruins once he had rid the world of Maeltor.

Serverus and Marcus quickly crept behind the ebony clad men and into the darkness of the ancient ruin…

Cool. I like it. Did you submit any of this into the competition? Or did you just recently start writing it? I know everyone says this, but I'd like to see where this one goes. The storyline itself is a bit more conventional than some, but that's not a bad thing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Also I can't really say anything bad without being a giant hypocrite, as my story was very run-of-the-mill. Hopeing to change that in the sequel.

Be ready to be shocked, as there are many twists and turns in this fan-fic.

Chapter VI

The ruin was very clean, with tapestries and bookshelves lining every wall. There were many rugs along the ancient floor, they muffled the steps of the men as they went deeper into the ruin.

Maeltor led them into a grand hall with the same ebony clad men filling the room. Serverus counted how many men there were in the gigantic room; he counted close to one hundred fifty.

“This is unreal, Marcus. I would have never known that there were this many men under his control. We will have to be the stealthiest we can be or we will be cut to pieces by these men,” Serverus whispered. The room was brightly lit and they could not sneak through it until they all went to bed. Marcus nodded and looked him in the eye. Serverus noticed that Marcus’ eyes had a strange glow to them, as if there were lanterns lit behind the dark brown irises. “We’ll have to stay the night here, I just don’t know where exactly.” He glanced up and down the hall they were in and saw a deep recession in the wall. It was pitch black and it was obvious that no one had ever been there, as cob-webs hung from the corners.

They pulled their bedrolls from their packs and laid them on the floor. “I’m going to bed, Marcus. Wake me up in a few hours and we’ll swap places.” He said as he put his bedroll as far away from the entrance as he could.

Several hours had passed and Marcus had a strange sensation. Before he knew it, he had crawled over to Serverus. He touched his tongue to his teeth and found that they were very pointed; he could not control himself and he leaned over Serverus and started to drink. He felt his teeth sink back to their normal size. Marcus woke him up.

Serverus had a pain in his neck, he felt around on his throat and came across two holes the size of the tip of a quill. He sat back, wide eyed, afraid of what he would become; a wretched spawn of hell. He felt very tired and decided to lie down. He fell asleep within minutes.

There was someone lying in a bed. A dark figure glided across the hardwood floor. His face was gaunt and his eyes were glowing a bright red. He leaned over the sleeping body and began feasting on her blood.

He stood back up, blood dripping down his chin. As the color and facial features filled out, the vampire’s face came to take the shape of Serverus’. He smiled a bloody grin and vanished.

Serverus woke up, sweat pouring down his face and breathing heavily. He suddenly felt different, he felt alive. He stood from his bedroll with ease as he jumped up to touch the ceiling of the ruin. His arms had a bit more muscle on them than before. He could sense a small spider creeping across the cold stone floor, its heart beating fast. “I…I’m a vampire! This is so horrible.” He whispered to the dark.

Serverus was afraid to tell Marcus of his transformation. But he did not know that Marcus was the one who gave him the Dark Gift. He sat and waited on the morning to come…

This is a good start to a new story, a few cliches throughout but overall it flows very smooth between parts with an excellent use of grammar.

One thing I am wondering though is if you have already completed this story and are adding parts periodically or are you just writing it as you go?

Writing it as I go. Why?

I hope you didn't take that as some sort of insult or something, I was simply curious if you already had the story finished or if it was still a WIP.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I appreciate critique.

It's a WIP.

Chapter VII

Serverus stood up from his sleepless night and stretched. He did not feel the least bit tired. It was still as dark as the void down in the tiny room off of the main hall; Serverus could not even see his hand.

Marcus slowly awoke, feeling strange after feeding on Serverus. “Did anything happen last night?”

Serverus hesitated for a moment, worried of telling Marcus about him being a vampire. He finally opened his mouth, “Er…I…Uh… I sort of became a…a vampire.” Marcus stood in the complete darkness and stumbled through the small room.

“Oh no! What have I done!? By Talos, I should have resisted the urge,” Marcus blustered. Serverus looked at him oddly; sensing this, Marcus began to speak again. “I gave you the Dark Gift. Dammit!” Serverus was somewhat disgusted to hear what had just come out of Marcus’ mouth.

“You mean to tell me that you cursed me for the rest of my life?! I should strangle you right now, Marcus!”

“No! No! Please, I didn’t mean to, honestly!” Marcus uttered. “Why would you kill your friend, your best friend? Think of this as an opportunity to utilize your new abilities against Maeltor.” Serverus thought of this for a moment. He knew that with his newfound strength, he could rip Maeltor apart, limb by limb. And then he could feast upon his necromantic blood, how sweet it would be.

“You are right, Marcus,” he said as he sat back down. Marcus stuck his head out into the hall. He saw ten of the ebony clad men marching down the corridor and shot back inside the dark alcove.

“Shh! Don’t say anything,” Marcus whispered. He was shaking badly, obviously terrified of the men. In the center of the formation of men, there was Maeltor. They opened the ancient door and left.

Serverus and Marcus were close behind them, they were on either side of the path. Then, there was a definite snap of a twig behind Serverus. He slowly turned around to see one of the ebony clad men. Serverus gave him a grim smile and, in a flurry of movements, had his sword out of its sheath and himself behind the soldier. The soldier was slow, he had not noticed that Serverus was behind him. He stood there, flustered. Serverus tapped on his shoulder; he spun around, only to find that Serverus’ sword was already halfway through his chest.

The guards on the road heard the clamor and rushed to the bloody scene. The man laid there, his fearing eyes wide open. Maeltor began to panic and the men searched the area thoroughly. “Men! Grab hold of my robes, every one of you. I’m going to teleport us to our destination. I knew I should have done this while I still had ten of you all,” Maeltor shouted. Each of them grasped his robes and with a flick of his wrist, vanished.

Marcus glanced around and when he deemed it safe, he walked over to Serverus. “You got him good. Haha,” Marcus said as he leaned over the body of the soldier.

“There’s nothing funny about that! We just lost his track again,” Serverus huffed. “Another few thousand gold down the drain! Damn!” They strode down the moss covered cobble stone path to the Imperial City; on their way, Serverus cursed and raved on about how great of a loss it was.

Heyy - I kinda like this.


I would like to have them spend more time in the ruin, and that neither Marcus nor Serverus were vampires to start with.

The way this is shaping up it might be worth making the above adjustment to the lore - because it takes Morrowind vampires 24 hours at least for the vampiric curse to fully manifest, and there is a period of sickness, like having a fever and even some delerium associated before it is done.

That period of time would give you a chance to include some kind of 'induction process / training' of the ebony warriors, whatever within the ruin ... and your heroes might even becoming trapped inside and have to flee discovery by penetrating deeper into the ruin with unforseen events there.

When you described their falling asleep in the alcove I thought there might be vampire dust there or something - but it could be that when they wake up they discover a hidden (one-way) passageway that goes deeper into a larger area of the ruin and they both catch the disease through events that occur there?

I love these suggestions. I'll definately change up the vampire thing and edit the story with them. I appreciate your comments.

If you are going that way then there is plenty of time for all sorts of stuff to happen in the ruin. You might ask around to check up on how long the 'incubation' period is for certain - it might take a bit longer

Anyways don't you take days to complete any adjustments and the next installment.

I ca ndelete that bit from my post so that you have a bit more surprise on your side when you next post?

No. Unfortunately, I must stop this as it is too 'cliche' for the critics. Sorry.

Wut? Why? Screw the critics man. Even if the most basic part of your story: "Guy takes revenge", is a little used, the intamacies and plot steps along the way can make it completely original. You could also have a shock ending, something unexpected. I actually liked this one, which is surprising considering I hardly ever read fanfic, I usually just write it. As a last ditch suggestion, why not just drop this one and start over if you really think you need to? Personally, I think you should stick with this one.

I have already begun anew, Orimus. Check out my new fic, "Necromancer's Dream".

Agree with Orumus, this one definitely has potential! Treat it like a good wine, let it lay and gather dust to mature your thoughts. Once the other one has run its course I am sure you will find you actually want to continue this one. And beware - if you take too long the urge to interfere might just become too much for me and I might find my pen continuing the tale - totally without any awareness on my part of course. I suspect there is a Daedra bound into my pen

I will continue this after Necromancer's Dream is over. This I swear