With Great Power

As an apprentice of the mage’s guild of Cyrodiil I had experienced many different forms of magic but none so terrifying or disgusting as, necromancy. The schools of destruction and alteration were sometimes unnerving but bringing a creature or person back from the dead? I was completely opposed to the use of this magic and had spoken out against it dozens of times at the guild meetings. I had even recommended that we hire mercenaries to track down rogue mages who had left the guild for such practices.

Needless to say I felt strongly about this subject…until I lost my wife. She had left out early in the morning to buy food from the local market so my son and I went hunting for deer in the forest west of our home. After we returned we found that she had not. It had been a few hours when we heard a knock at the door so we rushed out to see who it was. Before us stood the captain of the guards to give me the news that would change my entire life. He told me that my wife had been murdered on her way back home that night, by bandits from the look of things. He told me that they were investigating it to the best of their ability and they would bring the ones responsible to justice when they caught them. They never did.

Every time I thought about the way my wife had looked at me or the way we’d once held each other it was almost more than I could bear. I began to drink more and more as the months passed and eventually my son couldn’t stand to watch me fall any further, so he left. I was alone now, with little more than a bottle of brandy to soothe my pain so I decided to take my own life. There was no other option, I could no longer live this life without the one I loved. I headed to the local pub to think over my decision and get something to help me boost my courage.

I entered the establishment and sat down at the stool at the far end of the bar as I’d done a hundred times in the last few months. Right before I ordered I overheard two men talking in the corner of the bar, just loud enough for me to hear. I could tell that they were mercenaries by the way they were dressed and they were planning kill a local necromancer and take from him something called the mantle of woe. What the man said next got me hooked, I nearly dropped my ale upon hearing bits of their conversation saying that they’d heard that it could bring back the dead. I listened carefully to their plans to enter the necromancer’s cavern just north of town in the hills, how they would bypass the traps, and how they would kill the necromancer. They were set to leave within the hour.

My feet hit the floor and I began walking home, I had to prepare. I’d already worked it out in my head by the time I opened the door to my home. I would quietly follow the two mercenaries through the cave and after they had killed the necromancer I would then take their lives with my expert knowledge of destruction. Then the robe would be mine and my beloved, would be able to return.

I decided not to drink any more brandy for tonight, this was too important to botch up by letting my habits get the best of me. I grabbed the short sword from the display atop the fireplace and made my way back to the tavern, waiting in the dark alleyway beside it. The rain did not deter me from my quest, nor did the lightning storm seemingly hovering above the city. In my mind it seemed like hours before the two mercenaries emerged but I knew it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes.

I followed close enough that I could see them in the storm but not close enough that they would hear me. It was a short trek to the caves and I waited a few moments before going in behind them. I held the hilt of my blade as I turned the corner and entered the crawlspace into the cavern. As I emerged I could see large glowing crystals all around me, it was a magnificent sight for an entire cave to glow with such intensity. The echoes of the cave were amazing and I could hear running water as I stepped further inside. I could see the mercenaries crossing a narrow rock formation serving as a bridge across a ravine.

I followed closely behind until I heard a loud metallic clashing that I knew was the sound of two swords being crossed. I peeked around the corner to see the mercenaries dispatch a skeleton warrior. I moved closer as they walked into the next chamber. It was then that I heard the screams that could only be the horrible torture and death of the two mercenaries that had just entered the room ahead of me. I slammed my back to the wall and grasped my blade, sweat dripped down my forehead as I summoned up all of my courage. I cautiously walked into the room next to me looking in fear at the bodies of the dark elven mercenaries that laid on the ground. Even though I was as silent as I could possibly be the dark mage heard me just the same. This part of the cave was colder than the rest, the hair stood up on my neck as I moved in closer. There was a throne in the back of the cavern but I could hardly see the figure sitting in it, the darkness seemed to magnify as if the mage was channeling it.

“Why have you come here?” Said a dark voice

I was nearly frozen with fear, I pulled my blade only to see my hand tremble before me.

“I’ve come for the mantle of woe.” I said with as much conviction as I could muster

I could feel the dark smile of the man as he stood from the throne and walked slightly into the light. I wagered that he must have felt less threatened by me than he did the mercenaries or he would’ve already attacked me. As he came closer I could see his fangs, his white lifeless eyes, and the dark glow of the robe that he wore. He was a monster, the robe had changed him both inside and out, it would be a small price to pay to bring back my wife.

“Why do you seek the mantle?” He asked as if he was interested

“I need it to bring back the one I love. I will have the mantle.” I told him

“You have made a mistake in coming here fool.” He laughed

He thrust his hand forward and I was paralyzed into place. He moved closer and grabbed me, I felt cold as if death were overtaking me and just then my amulet released me from the paralysis. I thrust the blade through the heart of the man and fell as he did. Whatever he’d done to me had drained my strength to the point where I could barely move. I was both glad and amazed that he’d underestimated me enough to leave himself open enough to be killed. I took a knee and then removed the mantle from the corpse of the monster before me. As I draped it over myself I could feel the power as it ran through me. The darkness ran through my veins like ice making me unnaturally cold and I watched as my skin turn pale within a matter of moments. No doubt that its effects would change me to much greater extent the longer I wore it but it didn’t matter at all to me. There was only one thing on my mind.

I left the cave after a short run through the rain I exhumed the corpse of my wife. There was no chant, no magic words like I‘d read in the storybooks, just placing my hands on the body and focusing on what I wanted did the trick. My wife’s eyes opened and she leaned up from the casket, bloody and cut. She was different than she was in life, she looked at me as if she could hardly remember me and the innocent touch she once had felt dark and impersonal. I knew that she only cared for me because I wanted her to and that any love I felt from her was an illusion conjured by a desperate mind. I would live forever by her side with the power of the mantle but it was not enough, there was no care or emotion and it destroyed me inside until I’d become as evil and heartless as the one who owned the mantle before me. What you should always remember is, before you fight for something, be sure you know what you’re fighting for.

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Hope you enjoyed my short story entry that I submitted into the contest. I tried to tell the story without a mess of dialogue and with more emotion than usual. Constructive criticism is welcome.

I think that what you've got here is great in concept, and the end, where he gets what he wants (but not what he really wanted) is nice. But I do think that this story would be stronger if there was more for the reader to linger upon, powerful stopping points. Detail to bring everything to life. It's a good story, but it could be richer, more engrossing--there is emotion, but it doesn't quite pull on my heartstrings.

I enjoyed this though perhaps you could have made raising his wife more climactic and extended the ending considerably - show don't tell - allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions. Equally well though the fact it is so short is one of its nice points, its very consise.

Nice stuff.

Well mates I am an amateur writer after all.

As are we all. (OK, I'll concede that I'm trying to get (decidely non-TES) work published professionally. Still.)

But just trying to help. As I said, I like the story, think it's good. But man, it could be really great if you kept at it.

Basically I agree with the others. A few things could've been drawn out a bit more to give it that extra "oumf" that that moment deserves. Perhaps the main character could've done something drastic when he realized that what he got was only a hollow image of what he used to have.

This is a fine story. There might be a few sharp edges but it's the last three sentences that kill it. Leave those sentences in and you make the interpretation for the reader. Leave them out and the reader is left to mull it over, learning the lesson herself just like your protagonist has.

The art of writing is re-reading your work and sifting sentences that are notes to yourself the author and those that make the story come alive for the reader.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. In future writing I'll take your thoughts into consideration.

Enjoyed the read. It's worth working on. Agree about the last 3 sentences - I have a tendancy to carry on too.

Basically if that had lead to something more that might have done it, but bloody abd cut would have been a far more powerful ending.

Keep on writing