I wrote this little piece after a debate with some weasel about video game violence. It's my first time attempting any type of writing, so any comments will be greatly appreciated. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy it!


Somewhere in Cyrodiil, in a deep, dark cave….

I blocked the troll’s club, and raised my longsword for the finishing stroke.

The troll raised his hand. “Hang up, mate. There’s a goblin behind you,” the troll said.

I stopped, bewildered. “Wait…did you just say something?”

Normally, trolls didn’t talk, and they certainly didn’t stop in the middle of a fight to let me know another creature was sneaking up from behind.

“Yeah. I just thought you should know, a goblin just came in, and he’s standing behind you.”

“Right. I’m gonna fall for that one. Gimme a break.” I raised my sword again.

“No, really. There’s a goblin in a suit. Right behind you.”

My arms went slack, and I stared at the troll.

“A goblin. In a suit. Yer off yer rocker, aren’t ya?”

Just then, something coughed behind me. I spun around, and there stood a goblin, dressed in a blue pinstriped suit, complete with power tie and briefcase.

My speechcraft being fairly good, I greeted this newcomer.

“Uh…”

Ok, so my speechcraft isn’t that good when confronted by a goblin in a suit. I looked around. The troll just shrugged and said “I’ll wait. I’m not in any hurry.”

The goblin cleared its throat, making a sound like a bull elephant in rut, or Rosie O’Donnell when she spots food. I turned back to the goblin, completely lost.

“I’m with the International Council on Video Game Violence,” he said. His voice reminded me of Pierce Brosnan, if Pierce Brosnan had a severe hoarse throat. “I’m here to evaluate your violent tendencies, to be included in a new report titled ‘Of course gratuitous video game violence causes game players to become violent criminals in the real world, and if you don’t believe us you’re probably a Holocaust denier too.’ It’s a working title, you know”

“Uh…”

The goblin opened his briefcase, taking out a large sheaf of papers, a pen, and a pair of wire-rimmed reading glasses. He perched the glasses on his blunt face, and began reading.

“How long have you been playing video games?”

“Wait….why are you here?”

“I just told you.”

“No, I mean here in the game. Why not send me some kind of survey in the mail or something? And HOW did you get in here?”

“Oh, we were part of the last patch you installed. We find it much easier to get a player’s attention this way. Now, I really must continue. I’m going to evaluate how violent you are in the real world, and how much the gratuitous violence in this video game has influenced your decision to commit mass murder.”

“Hang on. Did you say my decision to commit mass murder?”

“So, you HAVE decided then.” He quickly scribbled something onto the paper.

“Yes. I mean, no. I’m not going to commit mass murder.”

“You play video games, don’t you?”

“Uh…Obviously. I’m here, right?”

“Then it’s only a matter of when you decide to go through with your plans.”

“What plans? I don’t have any plans.”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Now, may I continue?”

“Can’t this wait? I’m kind of in the middle of something here…”

“Yes, I saw that. Quite violent, too.” He scribbled more notes.

“Well, it’s part of the game, you know. Adventurers killing evil creatures to finish a quest and all that.”

“Hey, I’m not evil!” the troll yelled.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean any offense. But it is part of the game.”

The troll glared at me before shuffling off, muttering something about “always think we’re evil, worthless players.”

“Racial profiling, too.” The goblin was writing furiously.

“What are you writing?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, how long have you played video games?”

“Um…I’d rather not say.”

“Why on earth not?”

“Well…er…it’ll give away how old I am.”

“I assure you, your answers will be kept strictly confidential, and only our research analysts will have access to this information. It’s so much easier to manipulate the data and twist the results in our favor, you know, if no one else is ever allowed to see it.”

“I always wondered about that.”

“Yes, well. Can we PLEASE get on with this? I have a press announcement to get to.”

“Fine. Let’s just say, I started out on the NES.”

“The what?”

“The NES. Nintendo Entertainment System. You know, Donkey Kong, Mario Bros?”

The goblin looked shocked. “You’re absolutely ancient!”

“Oh, come on! I’m not that old! The NES has only been around for about 25 years, you know.”

The goblin eyed me suspiciously.

“Fine! Alright. I’m 34. Satisfied?”

“34?! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no! This won’t work. The results only work if the players are all in their mid-teens to early 20s!”

“So, you’re not going to interview me?”

“Of course not! If we included results from ALL players, regardless of age, it would prove there’s no significant link between video games and violence! You’ll ruin everything! Yes, I know a recent, honest study, found that the average age of gamers is 30, but we can’t let anyone know that! It would throw off our preconceived results!”

“Yeah, that sucks when the truth just mucks things up, doesn’t it? But, it does bring up another question. Why are you interviewing Elder Scrolls players? I mean, yeah, it can be fairly violent, but it’s not like there have been any mass murders where some kid ran rampant through a petting zoo with a sword yelling ‘I am the Nerevarine!’ Shouldn’t you be talking to the ‘Call of Duty’ or ‘Grand Theft Auto’ players? After all, there aren’t any guns in this game.”

“What!? No guns?! But, but, without guns, it destroys the hypothesis…”

“Nope, none. Sorry about that. Guess you guys really don’t know much about video games after all, huh?”

The goblin looked as if his whole world was crashing down on him.

I reached out and patted him on the shoulder.

“Oh, this has been a complete waste of time!” he cried.

Then his eyes sparkled as a thought struck him.

“I know! I can just say that all the players here are antisocial and paranoid, and didn’t want to talk to me! I can include that in my data! Yes! It’s brilliant.”

He put the papers and pen back in the briefcase. “I won’t be using you for this study, of course. I’ll just manufacture the data I need. I hope you understand.”

“It’s ok.”

The goblin smiled, which made his face even more grotesque.

“Thank you for understanding,” he said.

“I wouldn’t make a good subject for you, anyway. In real life, I’m actually pretty laid back.”

As the goblin turned to leave, I hefted my sword, and with one swing took off his head.

“But in here, I AM pretty violent and ruthless. Now, where did that evil troll go?”

Quite a brilliant way to parody these media watchdogs and their 'accurate studies'. I for one hate how biased views on video games can be when they talk about deranged people on the news. If someone grabs a gun and starts randomly shooting he simply must have played Grand Theft Auto or Counter Strike before that.

The way the study was conducted was also very original. To be honest, I suspect that these organizations will conduct their surveys this way in the near future since it's a very interesting way to ask people questions, while they are actually commiting the crooked deeds. Perhaps if gaming companies allowed them to infiltrate their agents in games, organizations like the ESRB would give more favourable ratings to actually violent games. I also liked how the interviewer turned the words of the player around, giving them another meaning.

In short, I loved it. You seem to have a knack for writing these parodies so all I can say is good luck in your future endeavours!

I actually laughed out loud while reading this. It reminds me a bit of Sinder Velvin's parodies of Oblivion (which you should consider a great compliment). The mental image of a goblin in a suit was brilliant, but was definitely eclipsed by lopping off his head at the end.

While this parody was probably inspired by unique RL events, I do hope you'll consider other parodies (or even just other stories) in the future.

I laughed my head off at the Goblin's talk. How that guy just had to fit everything into his theory, hilarious. It makes you wonder why he even went through the trouble of interviewing.

And it also holds another message just then 'Video games do not make everyone violent (in real life)'. This one is: 'Do not download files with unknown and questionable content.'

Whatever happened to videogamers being looked upon as fun-loving people who make use of their free time? Lol, that was funny, those guys are so biased when it comes to making results. Dang two-faced politicos, the lot of them.

Great job, Iso1, hope you stick around for awhile.

Most ammusing. I always found those studies somewhat flawed...

Excellent parody. It definitely appeared to be well thought out and contained several humourous moments. It's definitely worth the praise it has been given so far.

I definitely look forward to reading what you post next.

[chortles]

We can always use parodies 'round here.

That was awesome.


Like I said, awesome.