Ok! Time to post the first part of my first fanfic! Was about time I actually tried writing one myself.. Anyway, this is the prelude of the story, I've got a chapter 1 on the works and the main story-line pretty much thought out, so I would really like some constructive criticism! This is the first time I'm writing a story at all so I have no real idea of how it reads. Well, here you go, I hope you enjoy this little preview.

Beyond the Horizon
By: Bofra

Prelude

This is the story of a young boy whose life didn’t turn out as he would have thought, as is the case with most stories of heroes. However this story will hopefully distinct from others as you will eventually see, but please read on, we’ll start in the very beginning and Kel, our hero, is living together with his parents on a small farm in the outskirts of the bretonian city of Wayrest…

Kel lived a peaceful life together with his parents as he helped out in the field most of his time. His mother, Laria, always told him he would once become a strong and handsome man who all girls would madly fall in love with. Kel believed in that story and wasn’t bothered by the fact that he probably would work on the farm for the rest of his life, after all that was his home.
There was a dream however, of a handsome warrior that would ride across the fields of Tamriel in shiny armour and a trustworthy sword by his side, that warrior was the man Kel truly wanted to become even if it only was possible in his dreams. But the everyday chores and the peaceful days on the farm kept him happy and he left that warrior for the stories of heroes written in books.

One of these peaceful days Kels mother came to her son with disturbing news, Rola, Kels father, had caught a grave disease and was beyond all restoration magic or alchemical preparations. Even though Laria was a very talented user of restoration magic there was nothing she could do. Two weeks later Rola couldn’t fight any longer and he fell to the effects of the disease leaving Laria alone with her son.
Day after day Laria cried blaming herself for the death of her husband cursing her restoration skills for not being able to save him. Kel had to do the field work of all three since his mother was incapable of work in her state. He didn’t cry however, not a single time, and all the sadness from the loss of a father was kept inside this 10 years old boy.

Years passed and Kel got used of doing pretty much all the work at the farm. Laria helped as much as she could but the death of her husband had taken much strength from her. One day, when Kel was returning from the city with the weekly delivery he felt in him that something was not as it should be.
He entered the small house that had been his home for his fourteen years of life and found his mother lying in her bed not moving an inch. There was no doubt; she had stopped breathing hoping to meet her husband in the afterlife and lied there all lifeless with a small note by her side. Kel approached her body slowly and emotionless and took up the small wrinkled note from the floor and read:

“I’m sorry Kel.”

That was all it said, “I’m sorry Kel”. Kel looked down and found that next to were the note was dropped laid also a small iron key with a red ribbon tied to it. He picked it up but without much interest he put it on the table nearby together with the note and walked slowly out of the house.

Kel was now fourteen years old and all alone, he had buried his mother next to his fathers grave on a small hill nearby and continued with the chores he had been doing most of his life. His dreams stayed dreams and the hope of ever becoming anything else than a simple farmer slowly withered away.
Days passed and seasons went by when Kel had lastly left his parents to the past and was close to leave life himself of mere lack of hope. But he couldn’t just lie down like his mother and die, he couldn’t kill himself either, there was something inside him that still had a little bit of hope, that still wanted to live and see what was waiting beyond the horizon. Then one day came and Kel was about to meet the person who would change his life for ever.

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Edited 19th march 2006: More "flow" and some minor sentence composition changes.
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Oh dear! Fellow swede this is awesome! You really produced a very intriguing prologue here and it surely make me want to read more!

Very good indeed Sir!

Oh...I must Agree with minkey here..but in my case it will be that I'm happy to have a fellow neighbour here.

As for the story, it's off for a great start, and this is one I will continue reading. Do not worry about it, ist really first class material, and I loved it a lot.

And for Kel...well I feel sorry for him...but at least he grew up and got to know his parents...Telina never had that pleasure.

Ah.. Thanks a lot fellow Scandinavians! I've read it through again for the 20th time or so and found a few sections I want to correct, it needs to have a little bit more "flow". But right now I working with the first chapter so that it can be released some time soon, so stay tuned!

Even those not from Scandinavia like your prologue, very interesting.

Well thank you Jack Cloudy!

I've made some changes to the prologe and I'm now happy with it. That means I can emphasize my work with chapter one instead .

You are off to a good start here. As for the flow, a useful technique is to read the story out loud. That helps me find places that are not smooth.

Look forward to more.

Thanks Trey! I've read your writing tips in the "Writing techniques"-thread and have used them well, they really help a lot.

Anyway, here comes Chapter 1! Comments appreciated, as always!

Chapter 1

“You’ve heard the news right, Colran?”
“Yeah, it’s a shame. If only she had accepted our proposal that would never have happened.”
“Hmm, yeah, I guess so, but its strange how determined she was not to engage herself in any guild-relations even though she had that… potential. I suppose she preferred the free life of a wanderer.”
“Bah, I bet it was that farmer that made her let go of all she had and live as a pathetic farmer herself!” a third man applied with a slightly annoyed voice.
“Take it easy Beston, you know she always dreamt about the peaceful life of the country, besides she always helped us when we needed her so she deserved to be left alone for the last years of her life”, the first man, a short breton with small piglike eyes and dressed with brownish cloak far to big for himself, replied.
“You’re too naive Laro, we know you had a crush on her on early days and I bet you never got over that she married with that simple farmer.”
“What are you talking about I never…”

A tall and seriously looking Altmer wearing several wraps of cloths across his body in many different colours had entered the small, dim tavern and interrupted the mages conversation.

“Cut it out you two, you’re bringing shame upon the guild, besides we have a meeting to attend”, he firmly applied with a voice that made it clear he had some kind of authority among the three men discussing at the table.
“Right Viisin, we’re on our way”, replied Colran, the quiet and elder Breton, as he together with the rest of the table stood up and went out of the tavern…

---

Two years later, in a remote location outside the busy town of Wayfare a young Breton boy was standing speechless as he gazed upon the first visitor to his farm since his mother died.

“I’m sorry to bulge in like this but I didn’t have the time to send a message about my arrival, I’m sure you understand.”

The man got down from his horse with ease and smiled at Kel still standing as if a paralyzation spell had been cast upon him. This mysterious visitor was a strong looking man with a special gleam in his eyes that made Kel wonder if this was another one of his crazy dreams. He looked like an Imperial from his facial traits but he didn’t dress like one, he was wearing a tattered piece of leather-armour covering his chest and a pair of baggy pants with pieces of hide badly sewed on like the work of a pilgrim. He had probably been a handsome man in his early years but the march of time had made its work as well as the small scars scattered across his visible body parts that made him look even older. His hair was of a greyish colour like the hide of an old rat and was long enough to reach his shoulders.

“Kel it is, right?” the man added to break the awkward silence that had emerged.
“I… eh...” was the only thing Kel managed to say in this unexpected moment. “Who are you? And how do you know my name?” he finally added.
“Everything has its time, I’ll introduce myself eventually, but for now I’m happy that I’ve found the right boy”

The man walked up to Kel standing just a couple of feets away and looked all over him as he was measuring something. Then he made a loud laugh that chilled Kel into his bones and entered the farmhouse without bothering about asking for permission.

“Well boy, get yourself ready, we’re leaving any moment now, get only what you can carry and we’ll be off” he said while thoroughly examining the interior of the larger room in the house.

Kel couldn’t understand his ears, was this man demanding him to leave the only place he knew as his home? “I don’t even know who this strange man is and now he’s giving me orders?” Kel thought.

“What are you talking about? I’m not leaving anywhere, this is my farm!” Kel shouted out feeling how his anger was slowly taking over. He was not used of having a stranger in his home and especially one that ordered him around. Not even his parents were much of giving orders.

The man stopped his inspection of the living room and turned to face Kel. As he smiled he said, “Don’t be silly Kel, do you really want to be a farmer for the rest of your life?”
Kel looked back at the man who said those words without saying anything himself.
“Besides, I know of your dreams, I know you actually want to become a great warrior one day and that is not going to happen here on this old farm I’m afraid.”

The mans face had now turned to a more serious expression and Kel saw for the first time the might this mysterious man radiated. He looked like a totally different person and even though his clothes was more suited for a pilgrim Kel understood that this was not a simple pilgrim, he was the great knight from his dreams standing right there, in his own house and looking right upon him.

“Who are you and what do you want from me?” Kel asked still with an angry tone but with more cautiousness this time.
“I already told you young man, everything has it’s time, some answers are not to be told too easy.” He coldly answered now without the humorous tone in his voice. After a few seconds of silence the man finally made a smile and sighed deeply.
“But who am I too order you around without even giving you my name”
The man had returned to his former self and stepped forward Kel who was still standing in the doorway.
“Ravor Leren it is, but my friends usually call me Raven”
He made a little childish wave and smiled friendly before he continued his investigation of the house now entering the kitchen.

“You know, you’ve kept this place very clean for a kid like you, living all alone and all”, the mysterious man shouted from the kitchen making some noise with the ceramic bowls lying around. Kel didn’t respond, he just stood there with the invisible paralization spell upon him with no trace of it wearing off. There were so much thoughts flowing around his head that he didn’t know were to start, what to do or what to say. He was so into his thoughts that he forgot to breathe and had to grasp for air for a few seconds hyperventilating and making him cough.
“Hey there, how are you faring? You’re not going sick on me are you?” Ravor Leren said watching Kel catching breath on the living room floor.
“I’m fine, I’m fine” Kel replied pulling off a couple of coughs before getting up with the help of a chair nearby.
This little event had apparently broken the imaginary paralization spell and Kel managed to pull off a question.
“Say, ehm.. Ravon”, he started. “What if I accepted to come with you and leave the farm, were would you take me then?”
“I haven’t decided yet actually, but for you there is no “what if”. I’m afraid you’ll have to come with me, whether you like it or not”

There it was again, the stranger ordering Kel around as if he had the authority. Kel was about to burst in anger and rain curses on the not-so-mysterious-but-very-irritating man when Ravor Leren turned to him with a smile.
“I guess there’s no way of getting you on my side unless I tell you a bit more about the situation right?” he said with the friendly look he had when he first arrived. “I will tell you but first I must ask you a question”.
Kel had now calmed down a bit but didn’t respond to Revors last comment.

“I suppose you remember that day when your mother died right?” Revor asked.
Kel had just now noticed that this man knew a lot more about him that he would have guessed. “How did he know my parents were dead? Was he some kind of spy? Or maybe he knew them when they were alive? Or was it all just a guess… After all not many fourteen years old boys choose to live a life all by themselves”.

Revor noticed Kels puzzled face and as if he had read his mind he said.
“Yes, I knew your parents and I’m not surprised they never told you about me. But before I answer your questions let me ask you. I assume you remember the day Laria died but can you recall if there was something she left you, anything that might have been important?”
Kel, a little calmer now that he knew that the mysterious man was an acquaintance of his parents, replied with a bit of remorse.
“Yes, there was a note by her side, but it didn’t say anything important really”.
Kel turned away, sat down on his bed and picked up a fork that had fallen from the table. Ravor approached calmly and kneeled beside him.

“I understand if it’s hard for you to remember those days but I believe there was something more than a note, something more… useful” he said with a calm and gentle voice.
Kel stayed quiet playing with the fork in his hands while Ravor looked at him patiently. Then he reached for a small wooden box from bellow his bed and opened it gently.
“There was this as well”
The opened box contained the small wrinkled note lying in the bottom and also the small iron key with the red ribbon he had found that unforgettable day. Revon looked at the content of the box and then looked at Kel with a sad but understanding look.

“Ok then!” Revon finally shouted as he stood up with such haste that Kel almost dropped the box with the key on the floor. “Bring that box with you together with some clothes and a couple of loaf of breads and we’re on our way. I believe we have a long way to travel so there is plenty of time to answer your questions on the road”.

Kel sat quietly on the bed looking at the wooden box in his hands as Revon walked out to look after his horse. Then, a few seconds later, he stood up, grabbed a woollen bag lying next to his bed and packed down the things Revon had told him to pack.

hmm I don't know if it is me, or if it is too early in the day or what but I was having a hard time telling who was saying what in the beginning half of Chapter 1. Make sure that you clearly state who is saying what and I think things will move so much smoother. Other then that I think your story is flawless! Keep it up!

Enjoyed the story, but have to agree with Taillus about the "dialogue versus thoughts" problem. Can't really show what I mean at present, but I will try to give an example later. Meanwhile, please continue with your deep and engaging story.

Edited to add:

O.K.- home now, so I can give and example. The main thing you want to do is use spacing to make the dialogue read easily. Here is one passage and the way I would re-write it:



Change to:

I suppose you remember that day when your mother died right?” Revor asked.

Kel had just now noticed that this man knew a lot more about him that he would have guessed. He wondered how this stranger knew his parents were dead. Was he some kind of spy? Or maybe he knew them when they were alive? Or was it all just a guess… After all, not many fourteen years old boys choose to live a life all by themselves.

Revor noticed Kel’s puzzled face and as if he had read his mind he said,

“Yes, I knew your parents and I’m not surprised they never told you about me. But before I answer your questions let me ask you something. I assume you remember the day Laria died, but can you recall if there was something she left you, anything that might have been important?”

Kel, a little calmer now that he knew that the mysterious man was an acquaintance of his parents, replied with a bit of remorse,

“Yes, there was a note by her side, but it didn’t say anything important really”.

Kel turned away, sat down on his bed and picked up a fork that had fallen from the table. Ravor approached calmly and kneeled beside him.

Notice how the line spacing separates the characters' dialogue, making it easier to scan.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing more of your story.

I can't give you any advice that hasn't already been said, but I can say that I find your story interesting and would like you to continue.

Your good start continued into a very good first chapter. Of course I must urge you to listen very carefully to treydog.....because he is the ultimate expert around here.

I like your storyline....and it is really promising so..I want to read more, come on ....gice it a go!

Heja Sverige, visa dem att vi också kan skriva! (Cheerio Sweden, show them that we also can write)