Well this is a story that im working on , what do you think?


Brother hood.

Chapter one: The Attack

The empire of Cydoril was a quite and calm empire for years , no problems of demons or creatures just a few crimes and theft and nothing more.

The king saul was a kind and honest and strict king , he had four son Carnius , Marcus , Malcom and Malik.Carnius was the oldest son he was 24 and nest to the throne , malcom and marcus were twins , they were 19 of age and great warriors of the empire and malik was the youngest , he is
16 of age , hes a good warrior trained by his older brother's malcom and marcus.Carnius was the next to the throne and one of the best figh give his throne ther of the Cydoril empire , trained by The captain Wolf of the empire army a tall dark man about 6'7 of height and built like an ox , he trained carnius since carnius was 12 years old and gave him extensive training and no special treatment.

the king Saul was a old king og 57 years of age , he's gonna give the throne to his oldest son carnius.The king was gonna live his life retired so he can have a calm life from that day forward.

the king in his chamber send someone to get wolf form him.

Wolf; My lord you wanted to see me.

King: Yes , Wolf i wanted to talk to you about me and my throne...

Wolf: what do you mean sir?

King; Im old wolf , im becoming senile , im not the man i used to be , im not the same warrior , the same person , im not any of those any more and i know what i have to do..

Wolf: with all do respect sir your still the same man and have the same heart.

King: wolf dont try to amke me feel better , im gonnastep out of my thron and i will amke...

At these momment a guard comes running to the king chambers and opens the door and say

Guard: My lord we have to take you out of teh castle , fast

wolf with a strong voice say

wolf: what is going?

The guard with a nervious voice say

guard: their demos in the castle the gates of oblivion have open!

Wolf when he heard taht rapidly say to teh guard to take the king out of the castle through the passageway of the king chambers.

The kign rapidly say to wolf

"Please wolf save my children's , take them out of the castle , i beg you"

Wolf looks at the King before he leaves the chambers and say

"Yes my lord , that was teh firts thought of my mind"

The guard takes the king through the passage way in the chamber and closed it.
Wolf start running to his chambers to find his armor and sword to protect the king children but a long the way wolf see the fights of the soldiers againts the creature , he see some soldiers screaming in pain , he sees creature eating soldiers and tear them up , he sees all of this and say to himself

' we have lost this battle , i have to get the childrens out of hear"

spelling, punctuation, capitalization. First thoughts to run through my head. I wonder about the scripty writing style, but it's nothing to worry about. Personally, I think such things should be reserved for plays, but, hey, I can't write your story for you. Good ideas, I think. I'm not sure if I would say exactly how tall Wolf is. Try instead, "trained by the captain of the imperial army, Wolf. Wolf was a dark skinned man, one who towered over most others and was built like an ox." Just stick with it and I'm sure that you'll go places. Oh, and by the way, I would cordially invite you to read Anima di Nerezza !

ohh tahnks im not good with spelling ,puntuation and capitalization. im from a palce that all is spansh so its nor hard to me to talk english but bad to write it.

but thanks im sure that would help me improve

no worries, padalin. You still have a great story on your hands, and I would like to see more.

Seems like a good start, it takes a bit of adjusting to since its in script form but that wasn't really an issue, just a different style of writing. It had a good feel to it and I really liked the way it started. It has potential and I'd like to see more.

Great start but I do have to agree with the others. Maybe even running your work through a spell check program to help clean it up a bit. Other then that it is a good work in progress and will definately improve over time.

I, too agree with the others....and maybe make more clear who is saying what....otherwise it´s most promising!! keep it up!

Thanks i will keep writing it on my note book but im gonna read more stories here and see how they write and get some pointers and improve.

But thanks