The further Misfortunes of Hra-krak Onetusk the Orc Pirate…..

Part 6 ?

Hra-krak, killer of kings and gods….awakes on the western shores of Solstheim, as he slowly rubs his forehead and looks around himself, mainly to see where the hell he is, he notices his brand-new, and now beached and wrecked “pirate-ship” a few metres away from him…..

Hra-krak-“ Awgh FROG-SPAWN !! My ship! My luvely ship! Oh Septims underpants! All that money! I knew I should have stuck to robbin an lootin, stupid pick-axe delivery….oh my bleedin head……”

“ Ah! Help! Help! Im being molested! Someone help me!”

Hra-krak-“ Whu the- ?”

Hra-krak can see three creatures standing over a body on the ground, they appear to be having difficulty getting what they want, as a sharp saber is being waved about in a dangerously un-professional manner…..

Hra-krak- “ Ere! You cant eat my customer! OI ! She hasn’t paid yet!!”

Hra-krak bounds over to the group of Graal and swiftly decapitates two of the creatures, but then as he goes for the third, the sword wielding woman stabs out, and amazingly the last remaining Graal finds himself without a functioning throat to breath with…..

Apronia Alfeno – “ Ah! Another one, have that, you beast!”

Hra-krak –“ Oi! Wat you fink youse doing, lady? That’s my ship an dat was my bleedin arm!”

Aprona –“ Well, theres no need to swear like that, how was I supposed to know that you were not one of “those” beasts……”

Hra-krak- “ No, look! There is my bleedin arm, and Im GREEN, and dem on the floor is grey-skinned fings wot is dead, and Im not, are you one of dem cant see colours thingys, cause I know a telvanni wot can fix dat…..”

Apronia –“ Oh, oh, I am most terribly sorry, one did not recognise you, I should have recognised the smell…What a terrible experience, that was your barge? But I thought that bosner person was the captain…”

Hra-krak – “ Yeah, well, I was trainin him, sort of teachin im how to be a pirate an all dat, when he says he as a easy way to make some money from the stupid Imperials…..I knew I should haf stuck to robbin an killin….Im just going ta check da ship…”

Aprona – “ Your, you’re a pirate? Is that some sort of sailing profession? My word its getting cold….do you you think we should be going somewhere? Oh! Just look at my clothes! They are ruined! How far do you think it is to the nearest form of civilisation? Oh, I just know this stain will never come out, don’t you think we should move along, one cannot be standing here in this sort of weather, one would catch her death, in this cold…..do you think we could find a place to eat? Im rather famished to be honest and what with all this excitement I really must insist that we find premises with lodgings, a private bathroom would be essential at a time like this, well? What are you waiting for? Oh, please close your mouth, I can smell your breath from here…..shall we be going?.....”

Hra- krak stands in shock, shakes his head and then grabs Aprona by the arm…

Hra-krak – “ Its dis way, an I fink barfs an lodgerings can wait till we find the Ravens Rock people, Im finkin more of dem wolves and bears over there on dat hill……”
Aprona –“ AAAAGH! Wild beasts! “

Hra- krak-“ Shaddapp!”
Clasping Aprona over the mouth and dragging her away behind some trees…..

Hra-krak-“ Be very very not talking loudly an we might see the next day, okay lady? I want youse to nod your head like youse saying yes but not with the talking bit, cause I is one very angry orc right now, havin lost my ship wot is not a barge, an, an avin wot is called a bad day, okay?”

Aprona nods her head, and Hra-krak lets her go, and begins to march away toward the colony……

Aprona-“ Well, I must say, that’s an experience one shall not forget until one has aquired a bath with medicinal soaps……where are you going? Is this the right way? How long do you suppose it will be before we find a civilised place? Oh, my shoes are just going to be ruined with all this walking…….do you think its far? Really, I didn’t think you would be so inpertinant at a time like this, but, well, its to be expected of the lower races, and Im sure you mean well, are we there yet? What is this place? Ravens Claw? Stone? Or did you say Pebble? I didn’t quite catch that, what with your accent, it is really quite difficult to understand what it is you are saying, I thought Orcs had two tusks? Did you lose one? Do they come off or something? Oh look a wolf thingy, I really do wish you wouldn’t walk quite so fast…”

Hra-krak-“ Wolf fingy?-“

As Hra-krak turns toward Aprona to see what she meant, a large white wolf leaps toward Hra-krak. They both fall to the snow covered ground, rolling about in a life threatening embrace, the wolf snapping wildly at Hras face, and he in turn trying desperately to strangle the deadly animal. Finally, Hra-krak manages to get the grip he was after, and a loud “cracking” noise echoes across the wooded glade….

Hra-krak-“ You hungry?”

Aprona-“ Did you have to be quite so violent? I mean, couldn’t you have done that behind some tree or something? One doesn’t wish to appear ungrateful, but, that was not something one wishes to see again….”

Hra- krak-“ lady, I is not the Orc that knows wot fiolant is, an I is not an orc wot want to know, now is the orc wot walks dis way so I can stop hearing words like dat sooner dan later….”

Aprona-“ Well, yes of course, I will of course try to simplify my vocabulary for one such as yourself…..Are we going to have more of these incidents? I really must ask you to give me some sort of warning or something, I really find this most awkward, and could you possibly slow down? I am not used to this walking business…..except for the shopping of course….Do you think we are nearly there? One wishes to know when we are there, it would be terrible if one didn’t have prior notice…..Are you employed by someone? I am sure you must be, I really am most curious about your tooth, how did you lose it?”

Hra-krak-“ Didn’t lose it….”

Aprona-“ Oh, a genetic defect? How awful, Im so sorry….”

Hra-krak-“ Got it inna bag on my belt, snapped off when I killed my first bosner….Hurr hurr…now he tasted good….”

Aprona-“ oh, well it does seem to be snowing , is there anything you can do? I find your lack of control over these matters most disturbing….is there any possibility of us reaching our destination soon as I do miss speaking to civilised people, oh, I do wish you would stop walking quite so fast, it really is quite irritating, why have you stopped? Whats wrong now? Is there going to be a delay? I do wish you would inform me of such things in advance, I almost walked into you, and that is a most horrendous thought, making bodily contact with a common orc is beyond my imagination……..”

At the Raven rock Colony, Hra-krak finds Falco Gelanus the site boss…..

Falco-“ Well, that’s a bit of luck, you finding our supply ship, and you carried these pick-axes all the way here, amazing…..heres the payment for what you gave us, they’ll certainly come in handy, but, tell me, no survivors? Not one? That’s a shame, we heard that a woman was aboard, could have done with the company, if you know what I mean, gets lonely out here in the wild, noone to talk to….”

Hra-krak-“ I dunno…..sometimes da sound of noffin is better”

Falco-“ You wont get much quiet here Im afraid, the wolves are constantly howling…”

Hra-krak-“ Dey go quiet after a good feed, so I heard…….”

Falco-“ Really, ah, so that’s why they have been so quiet this evening……”


And so our story ends………

Nice touch of green. It nice to see someone in the CHRISTMAS (none of that happy holidays crap) spirit.

Good addition to your story. Great humor in it.

Thanks, Christmas is a celebration of someones birth, but too many people have forgotten that. So I stick to trying to make people laugh.....