Ever feel so depressed and insane that you sometimes question whether you are dreaming or the swirling world around you is a grim reality? I really can't tell anymore... every passing day brings more proof of my insanity and I keep feeling a rage.. to do something. I worry whether its for good or bad.

Help? No one seems to believe me or understand me anymore. Maybe I should just take a whole bottle of Advil and get my wretched existence over with. God turns his cheek to me.

haha i truly know how you feel..... ive kinda grown somewhat numb to everything around me... i could seriously do without everything and everyone, but i dont have the *nerve* to end it all like that.... but then again, i tend to bottle my emotions anyway, so it shouldnt be a problem.....then again, a friend of mine said that it isnt healthy to bottle ur emotions, then again.... what are we to do about it if we cant? hahaha, i dont even know if im even on subject, or do i even know what im saying.... maybe im just ranting for no reason.... or maybe the reason lays somewhere in the sub-consious regions of my mind(or maybe im ranting?)... yes.... is it all a dream? how can we prove if this is all real?(donr mind this, this is probly the skooma and starbucks talking....)

So...I didnt find your age in your profile, Im supposing you are 14-20 looking at this writing.

Im not so easy..Ive had my hard times in life, and am right now. I dont go to suicide.

All suicide is is giving up. Giving into your own misery. Just like giving into satan, giving into someone you hate. Basically saying to the guy you dislike "I give up, Im a wimp, tell everyone"
Ive got no one to trust fully, but I dont just give up, if you have no one to trust, go find someone. Stay strong.

And also, go get help. There is no way we here can make things better. We can support you, but you're the one taking action in your life. Go to a counsellor.

Get excercise. If you, like many people out in the world, have allowed yourself to become indoors, and rarely going outside, go take a walk each day.

Sometimes there are chemical imbalances in the brain that can severely depress you to no end. A counsellor will tell you if you need that or not.

Lifes a story, you can make it a horrible story, making it so each day seems to drag on, and be miserable. Or you can make it a great story, where you live everyday smiling.


Its all your choice. No one rules you. No one makes descisions for you. Might as well make better descisions for obvious reasons.

Get help. And things will look up quickly. And do not be afraid to cry. Crying isnt a sign of weakness, there are actually chemicals released from crying that relieve stress.

He's 15 I think, not completely sure.

And yeah, Wurlon, we've all been there, we've all typed or said compassion at least a little similar to you, it just comes with the territory of coming into existence, and it passes, the compassion passes, you just got to keep your head down to tredge through the compassion, life get's better later on, trust me.

You wont even believe how many kids this happens to. Its happening to me yet Im keeping my chin up and not letting myself get beat up.

Everybody goes through a stage like this..

that's exactely the way I think about it. I mean if I was like that I probably comited suicide years ago because of problems which were so small. [not that I ever concidered doing it tho Probably the last thing I would do] Sure it's ok to be sad sometimes, it's not ok to act happy all the time. But when you stay in this "my life is so painted" state you will only get more and more depressed. Besides I think that the word depressed is used far to often. People easely say they are depressed btw but if you keep telling yourself that your life is so bad you'll easely start to think that you might be depressed. Again I'm not saying that you are a winer or not depressed I don't know you so I can't judge the way you are. I only speak from my experiance with people who were "depressed". So basicly like ThePerson98 said, try to focus on the fun stuff in life. Don't go for the easy way and continue to go on like this. Again I don't know who I'm speaking to !

If there was no suffering, there would be no evolution or progress.
If there was only bliss and equilibrium this would be a planet populated with Borg-like creatures, devoided of any creativity, and not planet of poets, artists and scientists.
Sure. Life IS a bit*h sometimes... most of the times. And yes, every rose has thorns... but that doesen't make it less beautiful. Try to seek positive things in life; and even if the world arround you seems painted in all shades of grey, try as hard as you can to find colors in it... and meaning. Because, without meaning, there is no point for this conversation - we could all get that preverbial bottle of drugs/razor/Colt .45 and kill ourselves right now.
I speak this from a very solid stand. I am a middleaged, single white male, in a land that is home to an army of one million unemployed. I have very little hope for future if I don't find a job soon (and that's highy likely). Above all, my family is going trough all sorts of financial/medical problems, with which I can help them very little or in no way. But I am not here to whine myself and tell you how someone else has it even worse than you... no. You don't know me and I don't know you, but we're all in this same boat, in the same muddy trench if you like it more. And we all have to fight, every single day. Fight for yourself, for your family, for people you love, for meaningful existence. I will never stop believing that we (humans) aren't supposed to be a species of nature-rapists and murderers, but artists, mathematicians and explorers... so there's one optimistic view, comming from the mouth of an hypocrit; nevertheless, it might just help you a bit.

I have been through depressiong myself and it seems like an odd concept to think about how it is possible to be so depressed when not going through it. Personally I don't know how I manage not to commit suicide when going through depression, basically I spent too much time thinking which leads to spiralling depression and I got to the point where I was just like "Whats the point in not suffering (being dead)", until that point the reason I didn't commit suicide was just the people who would be saddened by my death, family obviously, friends I didn't care if I saddened them but there was the random people in my life who would have no idea why I suddenly dissappeared.

The best thing to fight depression is keep yourself occupied, easier said than done I know, if somebody said that to me I'd just ignore them. Invite a friend to the movie, join a club or best of all, find some random person (or 2) off a forum, add them to your MSN then talk to them constantly, I find it hard to talk to strangers but I can open up more easily than with friends because I don't give a hamster what they think of me. I tended to get depression when my life was monotonous with no possibility of change, so adding things to it tended to "cure" me.

Ok, let me tell you this Wurlon. Depression is a very normal theme throughout the teen, and mid 20ties, so you are absoloutely not crazy or something. To have thoughts like you, or to come home being totally angry without any particular reason, IS NOT unormal...so dont be afraid, you're just as normal as the rest of us people.

But if you are depressed, talking to people, and letting your frustrations out, or confess your problems often help, be it to your mother, father girlfriemd/boyfriend, or some friend or shrink is the best.

So thats my advice, let it out, and talk to someone who can help you.

I'm 14, I have no one to talk to except my family who don't understand and think I fake it. I take a walk almost everyday to get away but the only wretched thing I get out of it is exercise. No peace of mind, no help. Every other day, suicide seems so much better and closer. Everyone tells me to go out and simply make friends, I can't. Everyone in my school believes I'm insane and don't even speak to me. I can't argue anymore, everything I do is always wrong or retarded in the eyes of my enemies. This isn't because of my age or what is going on, I've been like this for three hamster cave years. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I can think of a thousand things I could have done that day that could have lifted me to happiness.. but I didn't think of it. I've even started a journal so people can see what I've been thinking after I'm dead.. I don't see a future for myself anymore. Sometimes I get so lonely I talk to myself and sometimes to God. I don't even believe in God anymore yet I speak to him, such stupid beliefs that only make death easier to come by. As I type this now I just returned from my sister's friend's graduation party, I sat in the garage as the rain poured down and everyone else seemed to be talking.. I'm also staring at my report card that came in the mail. Usually I get A's on my finals and grades, but I recieved C's and B's on my finals and my averages dropped because of the ridiculous grades.

Even if I live after these years, I'd never be able to do a job or get married, I become nervous with whatever I do because I continue to fail. Continue to be mocked. Society is such a cruel place if you aren't a part of it.

I remember I used to think much the same when I was in your age (a looong time ago), of course my parents didn´t understand me! It´s always like that, you´re too near them. I found out it was easier to talk to other grown-ups, non-relative! And believe me or not it was the same thing ever after. When I got married I found it much easier and better to talk to my mother-in-law, she was a wonder of understanding ( she´s dead now) I could talk to her about just everything.

I think the best thing for you is to talk to us here at chorrol.....I mean we´re a bunch of ppl of all kind of ages.....we like each other, we support each other...If you wanna talk to an adult...well I´m here, among with a couple of others.....

There are ppl of your own age, and a bit older, who naturally will be there for you, I promise!

Keep to life Wurlon! It´s by far the best alternative, I promise you!

As Minque said you can always talk to us here at Chorrol...we love you, and will most definately listen.

If you have MSN, you can talk with me there...,my email is hjp-telendil@hotmail.com
Dont be afraid to contact me, I know exactly how you have it, well almost, I was not mocked at school,but my younger sis was, and she had a terrible life, fortunately she talked to other people, and it helped...but I have ahd thoughs of suicide before, I think many here have had such thoughts...but I wont swear on it though.

But I talked to people, and got help, and now I dont have any thougts like that any longer...so please Wurlon, dont do it...dont kill yourself, I know it must be terrible for you to go through this, but see it this way...it is the bastards who mock you, who have a bad life...you have a family, although they might not want to listen to you, I'm sure they love you.

Those idiots who mock you...I'm srue that half of them, will probably end up without job, being alchoholics, drug addicts, and living behind bars....you're better than that.

And your grades dropping, dont worry, they'll come back, heck, my grades was crappy when I left youth school(the year you turn sixteen), and now here I am, studying to become an engineer...I promise you, your life still holds many surprises....it is just that in your age, there will always be someone who are mocekd and bullied, sicne there is no constitutional punishment for it, other than a note or some detention, people will continue, but raise yourselfover them...you need not show it to them...but know inside you that you are STRONGER AND BETTER than they are....I doubt anyone of them is members of such a forum, and have so many people who dont actually know you but still love you...so contact me via MSN if you want to talk.

Don't kill yourself.

I won't preach to you why you shouldn't do it, but I will tell you one thing: think about the people that will have to clean up after you.

Think about how much it would cost your parents to get your stomach pumped and have dialysis.

Think about how much your family and friends would grieve if you OD'd on those pills.

Think about the people you will be leaving behind.

If you fail, then what? Your liver and kidneys will be messed up forever.

Suicide doesn't solve anything. Face it. If you're doing it in revenge, they'll forget about it in less than a week. If you're depressed, it's nothing but a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I went through suicidal tendencies myself. I never once succeeded. I have scars on my arms from trying to take my life. I had to go to therapy that was soon canceled. My problem is biochemically based, so I need medicine. However, when I feel bad I talk to the people I care about. While they don't always understand my problems, and they don't always know how it feels, it greatly helps to talk to people.

Let me add my voice to the absolute chorus of those who have said- hang on. I lived with depression for a long time- still wrestle with it now. In my case, my folks did talk to me and express their love for me. And it did not seem to matter....

What helped was talking to an older person (happened to be a minister)- and discovering that he understood exactly what thoughts and feelings were going through me. He did not push religion at me (nor am I trying to do so to you). He simply understood and talked to me seriously. I urge you to seek that type of conversation- whether it is with a counselor, a minister, a good teacher, whomever. What you are experiencing is frightening, but it is also normal. You can come out the other side of this. Know that, as are so many here, I am pulling for you. I am on your side. I will always listen if you want to talk.

Trust me man, suicide is not the best option here. I've been through the same thing when I was younger(and by younger I mean 3 or 4 years ago), I was different than everyone else and hardly anyone would even speak with me. It seemed that there was nobody that understood me, or even cared to try. I pondered suicide frequently as well but thankfully, I never had the heart to go through with it. I thought of my family and how it would impact them if I had killed myself, they would've been devistated, even though it didn't seem to me like they cared, they really did.

It is possible that you may have a disorder that must be dealt with through medication, or perhaps you simply need someone to talk to. A school councilor or even a teacher are both good options of people to talk to. If your councilor refers you to a doctor, by all means go and try the medication, see if it works for you.

I know how it feels to be mocked and feel left out of everything, my answer to depression was finding a hobby, try and find something that you like doing to take your mind off of the world around you.

Even now I sometimes feel depressed and so does everyone, depression is not an abnormal feeling throughout life, especially at a young age. You sound like an intelligent guy that is just misunderstood, rather like myself and I hope that you will stick with the advice of myself and the others on this forum, stay strong and hang on.

Just keep going, no matter how bad things seem, there's always a better answer than taking your own life.

I will add my voice to the chorus of those who care about you. Do not give up. Like Zarrexaij I have a bio-chemical disorder and have lived on medication to keep my moods stable since the late '70s. This is a possiblity that you should look into if you are persistantly depressed. We all, people with biochemical imbalances, can live quite normal lives now and I do have an online community of others just like me that I can go to when I need solace or just to talk.

But as many here have said, depression seems to be a common part of being a teenager and young adult. Pisces and Tellie have a great idea about making some good msn friends that you can talk to and you still remain somewhat anonymous. You don't have to worry about what the people in your everyday life think of you. Really. Cliques of people can be very cruel because they all would feel lost without each other and they seem to need to pick on someone to make themselves think they are better. Not true, it just shows how petty they are.

If you parents think that you are faking your feelings - do find another adult who understands. Or look up the condition of Depression online and find some chat rooms for depressed people to discuss and vent their problems. You might think that that would make you more depressed, but actually there is comfort and safety in numbers and the people there all look out for each other.

But best of all, like Minque said - you already have all of us here at Chorrol. We are really a caring community of friends and many others have told of their problems here and found comfort. You should too. We will do our best to help.

Well the best advice I can give (cuz it seemed to work or me) is...: Listening to other people's problems makes your own problems seem so much smaller and bearable.

Don't know why it worked for me but when ever I listen to other people rant about theyr daily probs made me "think better them than me"

Maybe it's bad advice or maybe not, it helped me through my depresion years.
Dont wory mate I don't think "better you than me" of you, Im thinking "chill man every thing happens for a reason and always work out for the better in the end"

Every bad thing that has happend to me in the past made me eithher stronger, made me understand life a bit beter and let me handel situation better.

Even if it looks like the worst posseble thing that could happen to you, it will work out for the better, it always does.

P.S I never saw suicide as a tragedy but as a act of stupidety, cuz they never explore all they'r options to be helped and when help comes they refuse it, gladto see that you have a good set of brains to ask for help, by doing that you have avioded suicide copletely and goten offers of help from friends that care.

Dont wory, you'll get trough this.

Also, find a good friend to have a stable relationship with. Through a game online, on here, in real life, in your family. Have someone to trust..

Well, not much to add here.

Me, I even tried a couple of times to end my life. (Quite embarrassing and I won't go into details here.)
Needless to say, in the end my attempts failed and I don't have any scars or something to remember it. All I can say is, try to find something to do what you like to do. I used to be a wreck but since I've begun writing, things have been moving up. And best of all, things can always turn better. So just keep breathing and find happiness.

Agree with you totally there Cloudy...talking with people who could help me, as well as start writing saved my life.

Altough I used to write otehr kinds of stories, not best mentioned in a forum like this...you might say it was of Adult material.

Hmmm? then we´re two of a kind Tel! And it´s true, writing it off your mind is really very relieving....

I would also say music is very theraputic, at least for myself. For some reason, some music just connects to me and I can just release all the emotions I have within myself. It's really a great way to get out your frustrations and problems.

It was around your age too that I began to find my identity somewhat in music as well. Just listening to some of the lyrics of certain songs and you can experience a connection with the songwriter. Kinda like "Yea, I know what you mean there.."

Music has helped me so much, it's definately helped with my bitterness. Hopefully it could help you as well.

I'm really glad you've let this forum know about this though, it's the first step to helping yourself out.

That's true ... it is the positive step of talking about it with us, your online friends. And yes, music is very powerful. It can be soothing, it can help you vent, certain songs just speak to you in such a close way that it's almost like it was written for you.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, Wurlon, k?

Another thing is..you can simply not let it effect you and be happier.

Half of depression is self talk. When you start thinking you are all depressed your mind likes to focus on that, being the human mind likes to pinpoint problems and focus on them. Dont let yourself be drawn into that. Tell yourself "Im gonna have a good day, and no ones gonna stop me!" And go call friends, if you "dont" have friends go make some. And dont let anything stop you.

Im going through the same thing you are, probably not the same degree currently. But if I let myself Id be some dark unhappy person. It hit hard a year ago.
What it feels like is that there is a weight tied to my emotions. Basically my mind doesnt feel free. But dont let things like that pull you down.

There is ONE person who is helping a ton right now, I can be completely darkened one minute and be smiling the next. Find someone like that. Just a good friend, who you can trust. Because it is incredibly hard to pull through alone, maybe impossible. I tried coming through alone and all I had was an emotional crash, not anything fun.

Another thing, never let others judge you. I see it all the time at the schools. Be who you are, if you wanna be one of those guys who is with all the girls at school then you can sure as heck become that way. If you want to be one of those guys who likes playing video games and has friends come over and you guys sit there playing games all night, then be that kind of person.
My worst mistake was letting people judge me. And now that I am who I want to be, Im doing better.
Dont let stress kill you either, get all the chores, the homework, and all the stuff you need out of the way, out of the way, and then relax. Its a lot easier to live that way.

Ive been through what you've been through. Even though I may be younger, I was one of the first to mature at my school. Which means Im one of the first to hit stuff like this. There is most likely no way to get it completely away, but there are ways to deal with it.

this is a long response, caution. well, i don't post on here that often. come to think of it, i've never even really had a conversation with anyone here. however, i concur that it is a supportive, friendly environment. as yet another "i've been there before" statement, throughout my formitive years, i suffered from severe clinical depression, and still do. actually it's even worse now, but that's because of my other mental imbalances. the only way i got through it was by accepting the truth that life is difficult at best. from 7th grade until my junior year of high school, i was in a strangely similar situation to what you have described. after a while, i just decided not to give a crap about anyone else or what they thought. This may have been easier for me than other people, but i'll get to that in a minute.

something that helped me more than anything else was to realize that no matter what, it could always be worse. that may not make sense at first. but think on it a little. if it could be worse, that means that your life is better than you might have thought. imagine for a moment not having any family, not ever even seeing other people, not having any sort of support structure at all. hopefully, you'll see as i have that this sort of thought process can help you realise that there are many good things about your life.

another way to look at it is this. if you take value in every moment of your life, you may start to see things differently. even when things are bad, you can take a step outside yourself for a moment and realise "this is my sadness. only i will ever know what it's like to be me in this moment. this experience is mine". thinking in this fashion repeatedly will hopefully make it easier to accept that your life is valuable simply because it is "your life", and no one else will have that. other people's lives may seem better, or easier. in truth, 99% of people wear masks every day to hide what's really going on inside. the guy at your school that may seem to be always happy, has lots of friends, has an attractive partner, and all that, is actually wrestling with his own inner demons just as you are. the only difference is that he alienates himself from the way he feels, and ultimately, will most likely have a much more difficult time accepting negative things that life throws at him. you're in touch with the way you feel. that's a reason to smile, if even for a moment. just think, you actually accept the way you feel instead of trying to hide it.

your feelings of rage and anger, while possibly linked to a mental illness, are most likely a result of the chemical changes going on inside your body as a whole. most young men at about your age have a greater degree of hostility. the teenage years are a time of emotional turmoil. while you're young, the process of maturing can result in tremendously strong emotional responses to even the simplest of stimuli. as you continue to age (and by all means, do continue to age, it really is worth it), you will find yourself experiancing emotions in a dulled fashion. unfortunately, as you get older, you tend to feel things in sort of a numb way. and believe it or not, you may one day wish you could feel things as strongly as you do now. i wish i could still feel those wonderful highs and lows of emotion.

after a while, which may seem to take forever, the turmoil inside your body and mind will pass, and you'll not have to deal with many of the problems that you are now. there will be new problems, yes, but your experiances in your young life will help you deal with these as they occur. obviously, not all of the things that are happening in your head are results of chemical changes and all that rot. many of them are caused by your environment and the instances of unkindness that you've gone through. if you do decide on life (which is best, really), you'll most likely find that as your peers age, even a few years, many things will change in the way they act. every year you'll find people becoming less "clique-esh" and exclusive, more accepting and open. as my highschool years drug on, strange things happened. as freshmen, there were emnities and hatred left over from middle school. over the course of the four years that followed, everyone just sort of let that all go. of course people stuck with their group of friends, but there was no reason that a "jock" woulnd't hang out with "the emo kids" or vise versa. ever wonder why graduating classes all seem to get along? it's because the layers of ingrained hatred and intollerance have worn away.

possibly the best thing you could do is to consciously decide to think differently. this is different for everyone and is difficult, to put it lightly. i'm not saying become one of those "half full" people overnight, but take baby steps with it. gradually change your outlook. a few years ago, i didn't have a positive thing to say to anyone, now i'm the guy that points out that it's not all that bad. it's about "mind power". taking control of your own mind and thought process is very helpful. so try not to let your mind run your life for you. when things start spiralling downhill when you're lying in bed, don't just stay in bed and let it take control. get up, get your blood pumping by walking around your room, maybe fix yourself a snack to eat, or turn on the tv or computer, or maybe the best option, pick up a good book to lose yourself in it. the sort of thoughts that keep you from sleep is one of the worst parts about depression, and also one of the most common. i can't think of a single person that hasn't experienced that phenomina in their lifetime.

by all means ask your parents if they'll set up an appointment with a psychologist (not psychiatrist, that comes later). a psychologist is basically a professional counciler. it's someone that is legally bound to keep your secrets, so you know you can trust them. make sure to have him/her describe the exact nature of doctor-patient confidentiality to you at your first visit. after hearing that (yeah, actually hearing it helps, believe it or not), there's no reason to hide things from the doctor. the worst thing you can do is lie to your doctor(s). they are only there to help you, and if you don't tell them what's going on, they can't do that. after several appointments with a psychologist, you may be referred to a psychiatrist, which is similar but not the same thing. the main difference being that a psychiatrist can diagnose you with specific illnesses and perscribe the neccesary medications.

now for my "it could be worse scenario". this isn't me complaining about my life or anything like that. just giving an example of something worse to hopefully make you feel better about your situation.

i'm 22, failed out of college in the second semester because of a drug problem. a few years later, after drifting from one dead-end job to the next, my fiancee left me and moved out, the guy who was living with us moved out, and i ended up having to leave town and move back in with the parents. not only have i been diagnosed with clinical depression, which i haven't found a working medication for yet, i suffer from severe paranoid schitzophrenia. basically what that means is i'm what everyone thinks of when someone says "crazy". i halucinate almost constantly, always watch what i think because i know everyone can read my thoughts, hardly ever leave the house because "they" might be out there, experience constant twitches and muscle spasms, can never fully relax, i have voices and urges inside my mind that make me do things i don't want to, i'm a danger to myself and others, so i can't be trusted to be employed. i fight the uncontrollable urge every day to not kill my family and their pets, and have odd bio-chemical reactions to improper stimuli, such as when i become injured, i feel a "body buzz" that lasts for a minute or two. when i think about hurting people or animals, the same thing happens. i have to take 800mg of tranquilizers every day along with anti-depressants to help with this. and it doesn't help that much.

however, that does make it easy not to give a crap about what other people think. (see, thinking positive, looking on the bright side, it helps)

i'll stop this absurdly long response with something i wrote on another forum on a different issue. it still applies though, mostly.

"in closing, if you give up, nothing will come your way. if you fixate on only one person forever, most likely you'll be forever alone. don't let your love for one person blind you to the potential futures that may lie in store. i don't believe in fate, destiny, or a higher power, but i have learned a few things in my pointless and ultimately forgotten life. always keep your options open, and don't plan on things going according to plan. you never know what might be in store for you over the next passing of the sun over the dry earth. be true to yourself, and never let yourself get into something you can't get out of. if you're not happy right now, doing something about it is the only thing that will make your situation change. don't waste your limited time living on pointless sorrow, live for the moment, and treasure each one. no matter what the circumstances, we all only have so long. i'll probably die young from lung cancer or some other vice induced illness, but i'll die knowing i lived my life to it's fullest, in every precious moment. and i'll welcome the void of oblivion with a smile and a laugh.

know that, in my own fashion, i care for each and every one of you. maybe you can learn from my example as my brother has, and lead a better life than i. and know that until your last fleeting breath, that there is always a new dawn to come, and another chance to attain your own vision of paradise and lasting fulfillment."

The problem is I don't want to talk to people and I can't. I've already taken medication for depression for an entire year and it only seemed to make it worse so I had to stop.

Ooooooooooh. Yeah man, that totally sucks. It's said when adolescants stop taking depression medication they get suicidal thoughts, but no one ever listens. Yeah, that's a rought time, best thing you can do is find someone you can talk to. It'll pass, but of course now you have teenage crisis compacted with drug withdrawel, which doesn't make it any easier. I know the feeling.

Anti-depressants typically make adolescent depression worse.

You're better off with finding someone to talk to. As hard as it may be, you have to do it.

If you find it too difficult to tell how you're feeling to those around you, why don't you write them out? That way you could just hand someone you want to know a piece of paper or something and that way you won't get all muddled up trying to explain or get out what you want to say. You'll have exactly what you want to get out on the page.

Heck, maybe just writing out your frustrations and feelings might help. Maybe just seeing the words on the paper could help.

I do suggest that someone around you should know how serious you are about the way you're feeling. Writing it down might be the best way to show them.

Hang in there!

Actually, mallet, you just reminded me. I have like a gigabite of frustrated writing on my computer. Whenever I got pissed off I just started writing until I calmed down, sometimes it'd take me hours.

Maybe the reason you don't want to talk to people is because those you've tried to exlpain your emotions and feelings to have not been able to truly or really understand what you meant as you conveyed your thoughts and problems. Forgive me if I've just stated the obvious, which I fear I have.

Some time from now when you look back on that day, you'll figure that you're happy you didn't take your own life. There are years ahead of you now, since you're fourteen, and think of all that will fill those years to come. Its what I do.

There are bad days and good days, sometimes even bad years and good years. They all pass, and in the end, you'll find that life is well . . .tolerable, even wonderful. When I feel down I don't try to get my mind off what it is that gets me down, but I think about it, and I realize that it seems so strange to be worried over such a thing. I'm picked on often at school, but it doesn't get to me because I don't let it. I shrug it off, and go on staring straight ahead at the blackboard as some jock jeers mockingly at me in front of the rest of the class. You know why I can shrug it off, becuase I'm imagining that jock in a clown suit standing in a corner and juggling. People wonder how I tolerate it, I wonder why they wonder. I quite frankly don't care what other people say about me, they can laugh, giggle, eat their own damn waste for all I care. ThePerson98 is right about what he said. As for me, I'm one of those guys who lets others take the girls, I prefer my education. If people at school treat you poorly, you should literally go up to one of them, and ask them out loud in front of a classroom full of people why they treat you like they do. Ask them calmly and firmly. This is just a suggestion. I ask people who treat me as if I'm weird "Why can't you just act normal, leave me alone?"

In the end it all comes down to you. Cheer up, there are better times to come, no doubt. You're not insane, if anything just a little lost. You'll find yourself.

People dont like it when you complain..Going around finding people to complain to randomly does nothing. No one ever said this would be the easiest thing to pull through. Pull a bit of hapiness out and watch people react a ton different.

Hmmmm......but you do talk to us don´t you? That´s good, just continue talking to us here at chorrol. we care for you I can assure you I do anyway!

Minque, that was exactly what I wanted to say a couple days ago, but I then thought "hey, he may choose not to believe ANYONE" and that is the truth, really. Really, Wurlon could talk to us about problema and ask for advice whenever someone here has a constructive solution for it, but that's just all, I'm affraid. Wurlon, I can only tell you what I know - and that is the fact that drugs, no matter how effective or even neccessary they might seem to be sometimes, fail the organism in the end and weaken it. When person uses a tranquiliser in large ammounts to amortise shocks of life and emotional pain on daily basis, soon it becomes addiction... and when the pills run out, the tide of bad emotions just hits you with doubled strenght

I have just learned several days ago that me & my family have been using VALIUM for years, on occasions, to supress sorrow and momentary bursts of depression or rage. Sure, it is called Diasepam here, but it is Valium. So, now I have to ponder about how I should cope with life in better ways than this, and just roll with the punches when they come - WITHOUT the damn tranquiliser. You see, if one doesen't feel pain one can't learn from it - this might sound idiotic at this point, but it is true. One eventually has to stop running from its demons and turn arrond to face and fight them. I would repeat my previous post - find comfort in your family, because they must have (at least some) love for you, no matter what you think about them. Find a good friend that will be your emotional suport. And yes, come here often and just talk, if you feel like it. People will listen.

p.s.: I am sorry about possible typos [godamnit, I will never learn]

i would like to point out that certain disorders are almost impossible to overcome without use of medication. adolescant use of psycho-active drugs is almost universally a bad thing, as it usually starts more problems than it fixes (as you've already pointed out from your experience with antidepressants). without my medication i would have to be hospitalized. but that's a different situation entirely. If you can overcome your problems without medication, then that is definately the best route. medication taken without a true need is a crutch, as has been said above.

If your situation either deteriorates or remains the same in a few years, then i would definately suggest trying some sort of medical assisstance. if you do decide to go the route of medication, it's best to do it while your still covered by your parents insurance policy. it'll be a better policy than any you can get right out of high school, almost assuradly (sp?).

anyway, good luck.

Care? Wouldn't that be the last word you would want to use? I know no one here, no one. I only post on this mini forum because I had grown interested in the tes f'ruum library mod, which I have lost track of! Its nice to see people want to help, but I don't think any of you can anymore.

Just remember all these hopeless thoughts you find entering your brain are a result of being medicated and then taken off that medication compacted with the same old coming-of-age hormonal manic depression that I, too, went through not too long ago. These thoughts aren't really you, and what you're perceiving is not really your reality.

So yeah. maybe you feel like you have no one to talk to, know one who knows you, no one who will understand or not pass judgment, and yeah it sucks, I didn't really have anybody to help me out with my depression either so I did a little biut of what you did, talked about it on the internet, wrote about everything I was feeling until my fingers were cramped and I couldn't keep my eyes open, and I started exploring around the county, taking walking tours. Oh yeah, then I started doing a lot of drugs, and that part I don't recommend to you.

Trust Rainer, there are always people who care. Even if it doesn't seem that way.

Rainer would not know what to do if you left...

Or did you turn your cheek to God?

Of course we can sort of help you! If you let us! We can talk to you, support you, and most of all.....listen! You may blurt it out to us, what´s on your mind, just like that! Do it! try us out! You´ll see......

We do care for each other here.....trust me!

Yes we do and each person here has at times shared things that were on their mind or bothered them or gave them great joy ... either way.

But read the boards and you will see that this is a caring community, the many care about each other; there are particular good online friendships you can see - Pisces & I, DoomedOne & Channler, Minque & Danny - many, many more; so don't doubt that we care about you too.

I have also been very happy for Rainer since he mentioned previously how much he enjoys his band travels.

Yeah, I mean whenever Channler and I aren't trying our best to piss each other off we're busy discussing our feelings.

Wurlon, are you here to get help and feel better? Or are you here to whine and complain?

What happens when you wait for people to come to you and sit around moping is that people avoid you, you become someone who isnt fun to hang out with. You aren't gonna make a best friend in a day, no one said that. People here are offering you so much, for knowing you so little. We want you to feel better, but you have to do a bit of work on your side too. Nothing in life comes for free.

Wallowing around in depression isn't gonna help, no matter how much help you have, you need to be looking more into becoming happier then "fixing" your depression.
I've been through all this hell in my life before, and I know it 'aint easy. I wasn't smiling much either. But you know, when I decided I was done being depressed, and I was gonna live happily and no one was stopping me, my life became a ton easier.
This is a part of growing up..And if you learn the skills to not let it affect you now, I tell ya, it's gonna be easier later on.

As people are saying this community is like a family. And we're asking you to become a part of it. We've all been through this stage, and we're trying to help you through it.

Right now..you have two ways to go. You can either stay depressed. Or pursue happiness...We'll support you though.

Wurlon, please choose to pursue happiness .. ThePerson98 is right, save your energies for the good side of life. Putting your energies into positive purpose will make good things happen, you'll see.



Likewise, Pisces & I snipe at each other everywhere we get a chance on the forums ... but we are very
friendly by pm ... have been good friends for a good number of years now.

The thing about the world is that it doesn't matter if the one crying thinks crying isn't a sign of weakness, since the majority of people already do because they're stupid.

Take it or not: My advice is to disconnect your views of life from the world's, because the world is full of idiots who set the standards of thought and expectation. Think by yourself and keep in mind that just because you feel bad now doesn't mean it'll always feel that way. Disprove misery and live through it.

ThePerson88, have you read the studies? Wurlon already said he was on anti depressants and then taken off them, which for many adolescents brought on suicidal thoughts. Being put on anti depressants and taken off them has lead to the suicides of plenty of adolescents, so yeah this isn't the same thing as when that kid in your class complained all year long about how he wasn't liked.

I've already tried pursuing happiness, pills, the doctor, my parents, old friends. What I've tried to gain, I've only lost more.




I cried myself to sleep for the entire duration of taking my medication, it helps but a 14 year old with something to prove isn't allowed to cry , according to the witch of a sister I have.



Yeah, the problem is I don't have any friends. I'm too much of an boatmaster and dweeb.


I went to Catholic night school for six years so I could recieve the sacraments while in public school. I never liked God, I never believed in the bible. All it is to me is some simple guidelines to human society which no one has bothered to modernize or improve upon.



The music I listen to certainly does not help, I like Metallica, Stone Temple Pilots and Pearl Jam a lot. And what a coincidence, one of my favorite songs by Metallica, Fade To Black, is about suicide and I never realized it.

Yet another post that looks like you are digging yourself deeper into depression


Don't you get it?! Half of depression is self talk, you're sitting there repeating OVER and OVER that you have no friends at all.. Tell yourself you will have friends, and you will smile tomorrow.
I see this happen often, people shutting themself off from the world, kids at school call each other and see each other often. If you just stay there waiting nothing will happen.

If you had no friends no one would be posting here, if no one cared we wouldn't be posting here. So pull yourself together, even if it is hard. Stop complaining and change how your thoughts are. I don't understand what medication will do but you can still pull through. Find your problems and fix them. Or your life will be extremely hard to live. And obviously, you have a problem right now.

Well, I've avoided posting in this thread for quite a while, mainly because I don't want to sound abrasive or rude, but I now feel I have to.

Just from reading your posts, I gather that you just want to wallow in your puddle of self-pity all the while making excuses so that you don't have to clean it up. And that's assuming that your depression is real. (I'm not saying that it isn't, but I know plenty of people that act depressed just to make people feel sorry for them) You say you want better relationships with people, but you aren't willing to do your part. You want your sister to be nice? A good starting point would be not referring to her as a 'witch'. Relationships are two-sided.

I'm not saying that it's totally your fault, but if you want to change something, you have to be willing to put forth some sort of effort.

When I was fourteen, I was just starting high school. It was a huge transition because I had just moved to a new town, and because I had just decided to quit homeschooling as I had done all my previous years. It was terrible to begin with. I had no friends, I was just the new kid. So I spent my time getting good grades and it was about this time that I picked up the guitar. It gave me something fun to do, and passed the time. Pretty soon, that gave me a way to connect with one of my best friends; we both played guitar. But even when I was still friendless, I wasn't particularly sad. To this day I consider freshman year my best. Sure, I only had a couple friends, but I had some of the best times of my life just with them.

Just stop thinking so much about how bad life is, and think about what's good in it. For the longest time, my good thing was guitar, and I'm sure you have one too.

I would find that hopeless songs, like Fade to Black, or Bleed by Cold, worked the best in the emotional connection. You understand the meaning of the song more fully, and generally means you express more emotion while listening to it if you focus on it, you're absorbed into the song and the emotions conveyed throught the music just comes out. Afterwards, after expelling that emotion, I felt better. Music is supposed to be felt rather than taken absolutely literally.

I do believe that there are songs by those artists you listed that are similar in feeling to Fade to Black and if you could develop a connection to them, it might help you out.

Hopefully that kinda clears up what I was trying to say.