My name is Jerrick Ettiene, son of Claude Ettiene and Arrielle Ettiene. I am Breton born and raised in High Rock. I had few luxuries for my father was a Fisherman. We lived in a small cottage near the Bjoulsae River living off the fish my father caught. At the age of 12 my father let me go hunt in the forests to provide for my Mother who fell ill. That's when it all started.
I was 18 and I left to the forests when I found a dead guard against a tree stump, horrified I ran foward to see barbarians ripping each others flesh off. Next to the gruesome onslaught were dozens of dead guards.
There remained only one of these madmen he checked to see if anyone one else stood in the forest and he saw me. I jumped forward ready for battle, he circled around me waiting for the right time to strike. But anxiety took the best of me and I rushed towards him axe in hand. Before I could start my Hack N
Slash tactic he kicked me in chest sending me flying backwards.
I fell nearly 10 feet away from where I was. Know I knew the measure of his strength . I waited for him to attack this time. He lunged towards me so I rolled to the side and plunged my axe into his shoulder he howled in pain but with another kick I again went flying. Acting quickly he ran to strike a final blow but I hid behind a tree into which he jumped face first paralyzing him for a few seconds.
I punched him in the face trying to get in any hit I could, trying make his nose bleed and pop his eardrums. He fell I picked my axe from his shoulder and plunged it into his head killing him.

Not too bad a beginning; it looks like our main character knows how to fight. Also these barbarians seem like a dangerous threat.

Just a couple of suggestions:

First off, I would suggest you keep updating on this thread, do not keep making new threads for each update on your story. We don't mind if after a few thread pages (usually a minimum of three) that you start a new thread if it signifies a new "chapter" but we definitely recommend you keep posting on this thread you created.

Also, when writing on forums, it's better to avoid using indents and instead opt for putting a blank line in between each paragraph. That way us readers don't have to look at what looks like one large chuck of text, which makes it easier to read.


Again, this starting looks promising. Hopefully we'll get to see some character development in the next update. Until then!

What Mallet said. I am wondering what caused those bandits to act like that. (and why the guards intervened. Really, I don't think they would mind if the bandits began killing each other. Meh, the guards must have berserked somehow as well.)

Just one minor nitpick. You said near the beginning that Jerrick went out into the forest to hunt. An axe doesn't seem like an effective hunting weapon to me. Then again, maybe he was out for wood this time. That can be called a hunt if you look at it from a particular direction.

I dont know what to write cause im dumb but I guess it was pretty good.

Behind the dead bandit were two swords covered in a blue silk. The silk was spioled by the bloodstains but the swords were perfectly clean.
I picked the swords from the ground and read the inscription on each " Fang of Akatosh ". " Die"! I turned my head to see another barbarian running towards. I stood up and in self defense pointed the swords towards the barbarian. And as he ran towards me the swords impaled him through both arms. Feeling strength I threw him to the ground and impaled him through the chest.
As another barbarian kicked me in the chest I went flying.

Pretty good, at least I like it so far.

I fell to the ground writhing in pain, as the barbarian came for another hit . I dodged by rolling on my side but there was no other alternative. I had to run.

He pulled out a battle axe and made a forward strike, I blocked by putting my short swords in a scissor shape and in the struggle kicked him in the chest and ran.

Gracefully I ran through the forests hiding from anything that could possibly be dangerous. As I almost reached my home I felt a sharp pain in my chest thinking that it was just a cramp .

After 10 minutes the pain became excrutiating I looked down too see two arrows that pierced through my stomach.

Two arrows in your gut, what a way to ruin not only your day but your life even!

Aye, arrows are messy. Running with them for ten minutes is even more messy. Hmm, is there a medic around? I sure hope so.

Yuk! Dying from a stomach wound is one of the most slow and painful ways to go. I do hope he seeks aid very soon.

I knew my chances of survival were close to none. And trail of blood hundreds of feet long followed and the barbarian would follow trail and take the last shot.

But I would just let my self get killed I had to stand up for myself. I slowly took out one of the arrows, the wound was large and I knew little to nothing about restoration. I knew about alchemy but I didnt have any of my equipment and even if I did have them I couldnt find all the necassary ingredients before I died of blood loss.

I removed the other arrow the pain was less but I still had 2 big holes in my chest so I shouldn't be happy right now. I knew I would die soon but I had to take the bandits with me. I stood up and picked up my short swords.

A shadowy figure was visble it came closer and closer I knew it was the barbarian. I put my swords in a defensive position ready to stand my ground.

When he arrived he already had his battle axe in hand. He slashed but I ducked ( it was more out of luck than skill the because of the blood loss I barely had any balance and I fell ) .

" Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" the barbarian howled in pain as he held his shoulder in place he had been shot with an arrow.

Sorry for the grammatical errors.

ooh who is the helper and why. Arrows hurt gotta hate those bad boys at least it wasnt barbed...

It might not be a helper. Arrow from out of nowhere? Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Didn't our protagonist get a bunch of arrows from nowhere earlier? It could be a berserking archer who shoots everything that moves. A well, I guess Shinnok will reveal all in due time.

... that is a good point well i guess we will see I hope at least.

The Barbarian held his shoulder together as another arrow came flying and dug into his ribcage. He dropped to the floor and in seconds died.

I saw the dark haired imperial whom was my savior running in legion armor " move !" . I saw an arrow coming straight towards me so I rolled behind a tree and it made contact with it.

The archer that made a big hole in my chest came out of shadows sword in hand towards the imperial. He loaded his bow and fired. It landed in his neck instantly killing him.

He looked me with a vague expression " Marcus Travius ". Then I recognized him " I saw you getting killed by the barbarians" I said. " Nearly, they almost cut me in half with a battle axe, my torso was hanging on a hinge luckily I one of the best healers stationed in Fort Moonroth". " Watch ".

He put his hands on my chest and there was a blue glow in a few seconds the wounds started to heal and in minutes completly vanished.

" Now take me to your home I could a home cooked meal and some rest".

I dragged Marcus through the woods to my home. The forests were dense in High Rock but I grew to know them well. Finally I caught sight of my cozy little cottage.

When I went inside I greeted my parents happily. Marcus introduced himself and shaked my fathers hand. My father was not particularly fond of guards. He was once arrested for three weeks for swimming in the Emperors " Property ".

I took him to the kitchen for supper. Unfortunately in my ordeal I couldnt catch anything, so we all ate Red coil fish a prety common fish in these waters.

After eating two fish I showed Marcus to the guest bed. " Marcus, do you know why those barbarians were killing each other ?". " For those pretty swords you've been holding the whole time". " Why? ". " Dont know, these theives were checking through the crates of a moonsugar shipment when they found two swords". " We were sent in to do a simple job arrest them and take the moon sugar as evidence".

" But when they found the swords they went berserk and killed everybody except me ". Which is why I am surprized to see your alive". You are strong, and kind I wouldnt of expected you to feed me and give me a bed".

" Which is why I want to train you to become an imperial guard".

I know the story so far has been, how should I put this. Bad! But its still in the introduction and Im not used to it so bare with me please.

The story really has potential but there is nothing wrong with slowing down a tad and describing things as well as possible. Paint us all a picture in our minds of what is happening. Describe the house you are staying at. Describe how the imperial looks. Describe anything that you think needs describing and it will beef up your story tons! I hope you don't take any of this as me calling down your work. Like I said above, the story is definately well on its way, just a bit of advise to make things flow so much nicer. Give it a try and I know this will add the little bit that is missing from an otherwise perfect storyline!

I looked at his at Marcus for a few seconds in amazement. I an Imperial Guard, I had no skill no experience with such things.

'" I will be your mentor until you become a full fledged guard ". I looked at the imperial once again and as if my eyes were asking him if this was true he nodded and said " Pack up. we have a long way to go ".

I got a large bag and began to pack. Pieces of Bread and fish, alchemy equipment and empty containers , clothing and of course my two new blades. I put on my nicest clothes a Blue silk robe which I recieved when I turned sixteen and went outside.

My parents were waiting there " good luck " they said in tears as we went off.

I knew I would miss my old house. Not that I really enjoy being poor and putting on rags most of time. But the history. The green walls, the brown bug infested rug, the tiny rooms, the dining room , the outhouse that hasnt been cleaned since I was born were all part of me for all of my life and now they were gone.

We walked east for several hours apparently there was a small settlement nearby because it was night time, and apparently no one brought a sleeping bag.

And I was correct there was a settlement Vantara it was called. We walked into the nearest inn and sat down.

"Ok now remember this cas this is something you will be doing alot when your a guard". " Whats that ". Two beers called the bartender . " Drinking ".

He grabbed it and drank it in seconds " Dont worry, its liquid bread. I started to drink it and in seconds I was done. " Damn kid, your an alcoholic ".

After a few more rounds Marcus was asleep and I was screaming obsenities at a stool. Then a large nordic man came in. And apparently started making rude remarks to the the ladys. One of the girls husbands stood up to the nordic man but he stabbed him.

Even the bouncer was killed by him but in an instant my drunkenness went away as I grabbed my sword I realized . It must have been the sword that woke me up what else could it have been. And in exchange for this I'll get a bigger hangover than I should.

I walked up to the man. " Sir you have commited murder, a crime punishible ny death. He tried to slash at me but I blocked and stabbed him in the throat.

The ladys applauded me. As I went upstairs and carried Marcus on my back.

Luckily there were 2 beds.

Hmm, interesting sword that is. I personally wouldn't applaud though when three guys were just killed.

As for my own suggestion, I suggest that you read your update at least one time before posting. I see a few mistakes in grammar and all which can make a fine story less enjoyable than it should. One time reading is not enough to get them all out, but it works really good for me.

Thanks for the tip, I actually read through it afterwards so I cant correct anything.

I awoke early in the morning the birds outside chirping gleefully. I quickly changed into my silk robe and and woke up Marcus.

" What " he said. " Well, three people died yesterday while you were in a drunken daze ". " And I assume you handled it". " Yes" I replied.

" It was a nord ". " Nords are dangerous there as strong as orcs ". " After a long conversation we left our room. Unfortunately I was only able to eat a pear so I was hungry.

" A carriage is coming" he said. " How did you schedule that ?" I asked. "It was supposed to pick up my unit but there all dead so its picking up you and me".

It was scheduled 45 minutes from now so we waited patiently. Finally a large wooden carriage dragged by 4 horses. It had room for 20 men which I assumed was the purpose. It also had food for 20 men, so as I gorged myself on the food in stock Marcus explained what would happen.

" You'll be stationed at Fort Moonroth and be sleeping in a dormitory with 9 other men ". In a few moments we arrived".

It was enourmous covering thousands of acres of landscape . It was like a palace so big even the incredibally large walls only covered the bottom section. There were also sentinal towers on each side of the wall.

" Impressive wouldn't you say ". he said with a grin. We walked up to the front gate as he called out what I assumed was the password. " Lab Golom ".

" Any specific reason for the password " I asked. " Its Molog Bal spelled backwards , Molog Bal is the Daedric Prince of War and Destruction ".

Satisfied with my answer we walked into the main hall. The interior was not nearly as nice as the exterior. Just ragged carpet and mold covered walls. He first dragged me to to the dormitory which was a large room with 5 beds. I saw a light haired bosmer coming towards me. He seemed very young or was it that elves could live for 100 years. He wasnt dressed in imperial armor so I assumed he was a new recruit like me.

" Hello" . " My name is Thoron Carmir ".

Then a blonde nord came up to me. "Hello my name is Vilfred Jagard ".

Then a pale Dark Elf " My name is Galvon Redoron ". he said in a snive tone.

Then a cocky High Elf " My name is Erandur Aicantar " .

An Imperial " My names is Arman Gallidus ".

An Argonian " My name is Silver-Heart".

An Orc " Grozon gro Guron.

A Redguard " Carlos Andre ".

And finally a Khajit " My name is Ra'Jarr S'rasha.

After the large introduction take took me on a tour.

Yup you´re improving a great deal! One suggestion though, try to post a bit longer instead of making two short posts directly after one another....it´s quite ok with a bit longer posts you know!

I apologize to those who appreciate my story for my absense. My brother and I have a linkys cable so my brother got a virus from an " adult video " and because of that so did I.

So we had to reboot my computer and install everything again.

Once again I apologize and i will try to have an update in by tomorrow.

I stepped into the quarters of General Addantus a very tall imperial, one his most visible features was the long scar running down his left cheek.

And though he was a general in the imperial army he was no older than 30.

“ Marcus, what is your status ?” he asked

“ The Moonsugar operation was successful, but there were many casualties”.

“ How many casualties”.

“ All of the men sent other than me”.

“ What!”.

“ Sir, the bandits went insane somehow they became stronger more agile, they killed everyone. But this young man without any prior training was able to kill 3 bandits”.

“ Young Man, what is your name”. he asked

“ Jerrick Ettiene”.

Marcus explained to General Addantus how he wanted to train me as a new recruit.

Then General Addantus reached into his desk with his long elegant fingers and pulled out a large registration a quill and ink.

I signed my name on the top and continued to fill out the form.

It also required me to sign my class, I chose the battle mage class with the Major skills being Blade, Heavy Armor, Alteration, Mysticism, Destruction, Restoration and Alchemy

“ Tomorrow you will receive training but until then get some rest and get to know the rest of the recruits”.

As I left Marcus called me “ Come with me we are going to go eat”.

I had to turn down his offer since I just gorged myself on half of the supplies on the carriage. I was able to guide myself to the dormitory.

The only one there was Silver-Heart the Argonian. He was reading through a large journal.

" Good Day". he said " Im reading through my journal".

" Journal ?"

" Yes". " I keep a journal of what happens in the Imperial Fortress, what I learned what my missions are and im also going to turn it into a quest log".

He searched through his chest and pulled out another book.

" Here, you can have one".

I happilly accepted the gift and began a conversation.

" So how is it that you came to High Rock? ".

" My family was originally captured from Black Marsh , they were taken to Morrowind and enslaved ". My mother was bought by a rich argonian from High Rock, freed from slavery and married the same argonian".
" Unfortunately my father was killed by a bandit raid, but the guards were able to save me and my mother". "Thats why I became a guard ".

" Im sorry for your loss".

" I was only six years old at the time, but i've grown to accept it and not be saddened ".

" And where are the rest of the recruits " I asked.

" Thier at dinner, I assume".

I was tired so I ate a small meal off the night table and fell asleep.

The next day I awoke in a daze, fortunately I was up in time to eat breakfast and get to my training sessions .

I went to the meal hall and sat next to Silver-Heart and Galvon the Dark Elf.

I spoke with Galvon, he was raised in Skyrim by his Parents who had moved there as Black Smiths. Apparently it was much more profitable there than in there home province Morrowind.

He moved here to become an Imperial Guard.

I ate my meal of Kwama Eggs and read my journal to see which was my first training session.

" My first training session is Alteration".

" I'll take you there its my first class today too" said Silver-Heart.

He lead me outside to the training grounds where another Argonian was waiting for us.

We stood at attention.

" Alteration is the art of changing reality, walking on water making barriers of energy out of nothing that is Alteration, today you will learn how to create a smalll shield".

He shot a small lightning bolt at and I nearly fell down.

" Now unless you can block it i'm going to do that a lot more".

Sounds like training is going to be rough given how the instructors are all ready shooting lightning at their recruits. I can imagine Jerrick is going to end up stiff and sore each day. I guess being an Imperial Guard isn't easy.

I myself would suggest to separate people talking with a new paragraph. I find it hard to follow who is saying what from time to time. By separating each different person talking with a paragraph it's easier to follow.

Hope that helps!

I was dazed because of the lightning bolt that struck my abdomen. But I listened attentively to my instructor.

" Alteration is all about mental concentration ". he said. " Though it sounds vague its all you need to know". " Imagine yourself holding a shield then channel your magicka into your arm".

Luckily I was a fast learner so when he shot the lightning I was able to deflect it with minimal effort.

" Amazing, you were able to do it in one try". " You are dismissed".

" Silver-Heart are most training sessions that short" I asked.

" No, its just luck".

I went back to the dormitory to check off my journal and rest. I read through my journal and saw my next training session was in melee combat.

________________________________________________________________________________
____________

This was the intended to be the ending of the last post but I forgot the edit button existed.

Well reading it makes me remember another little helping hint for ya. It deals with the way you're using your quotation marks. (" ")

Take this sentence for example:



Since both sentences are the words of the character, you only need one set of quotation marks. One that starts before Amazing, the one after Dismissed. You would only do it the way you did above if you have some narration inbetween the sentences. I'll so you an example:

"Amazing, yo wer able to do it in one try," the instructor said in shock, "You are dismissed."


The stuff that aren't the words the character is actually saying don't have quotation marks around them, so both sentences in this case need quotations around them.


Other than that, keep up the good work. Hope my advice helps.

Wow, I never seem to hit the nail on the head but after a month long absence you cant realy blame me now. Thanks for the help

There usually isn't a space between the first (") and the first letter of the sentence, either.

I was lead by Marcus to the training ground. He left me at the gate and walked through.

I found a large Imperial wielding a Claymore hacking at a target.

We made eye contact and he greeted me.

" Good day " he said in a kind tone. " I assume you are Jerrick our new recruit ".

" Yes " I replied

" According to these documents you chose Heavy Armor and Blade as your melee combat skills , well go into the armory and get your equipment".

I put on a full suit of Iron Armor minus helmet, and grabbed a Chitin Longsword.

I went outside and my instructor spoke to me.

" Your first test is a life or death situation ".

" What ".

" Your fighting a prisoner if he dies you pass if not you dont, its a brutal test of strength".

I drew my sword and stood in defensive position, the prisoner charged at me and tried to stab at my chest. I knocked his sword out of his hand with a quick blow right before he struck me.

He went to the floor to get his sword but I impaled him through the back and in a few seconds he was dead.

I felt no remorse because I knew as an Imperial Guard because I had to be able to kill criminals and the prisoner was nothing but a common criminal to me.

My instructor was in shock from the speed of the trial and I was dismissed.

Because all my training sessions were only a few minutes long it was still early in the afternoon so I decided to take a stroll in the garden and collect a few ingredients for potions.

When I stepped into the garden I saw an endless stream of beauty and color from the flora. I walked through collecting everything I could carry from common flowers to some that looked like there were not this world.

I went back to the dormitory and put both the ingredients and my Alchemy equipment on a desk and made potions from that time until nightfall. I planned on selling later.

I was very tired so I changed into my robe and went to sleep.

Holy frick! That is just brutal! At first I thought it was a joke, but no way. The 'hero' seems to have adapted quite readily to it though. Frankly, I'm kinda doubting if I should call him a hero. My definition of hero is a bit more reluctant to kill. Ah well, it gives an interesting take on the guards. A rather bloodthirsty take perhaps, but still a take. (What the heck, that last sentence didn't come out right.)

And a tip from me is to watch the end of the sentences during dialogue, you have the habit of doing this.
"I say hello".
The point needs to come before the quotationmarks, like this.
"I say hello."

You also tend to forget the questionmark during a question.

Hope this helps.

It is great to see you back and see you still working on the story. These guys don't fool around with training, do they? Either you have what it takes to kill on command or you are out.... Makes sense- in a brutal way.

On would think alteration is more complex than just willing something to happen..... Oh well, we can just say Jerrik is a natural.

He is a pure Breton so things just come naturally

I woke up early in the morning to eat my breakfast. Again I sat next to Silver-Heart and Galvon whom had become my closest friends while there.

I opened my journal and saw I had no training sessions that day, so I decided to go to General Addantus to see
if he had any missions suitable for me.

" You want a mission ? ".

I nodded.

" Well sure, go look in there." He pointed at a large chest in the right corner of the room ".

I looked inside to see a huge mound of gold going up to about half the chest.

" Last week it was twice as much , I want you to see who has been stealing from my personal finances ".

" What would be a good estimate of how much they stole ?". I asked

" 4000 gold pieces , theres only one clue they left fur so its ofcourse a khajit."

He handed me a peace of parchment that had the names of all the khajit that were stationed here 10 were recruits and 1 was the Illusion instructor.

" For this I will give you 200 gold pieces". and I left off to complete my mission.

I first went to Ra'kar another recruit, since I found no way to be subtle so I had to be forward with him.

" Did you hear about the thefts from General Addantus is office ?".

" Yes " he replied " Whenever I go near General Addantus he looks at me with disdain like I did it ".

He seemed to be telling the truth but there was still a chance it was him, so during lunch I snuck into his dormitory and went through his chest.

He had no gold so I checked his name off my list and continued.

With the words "constructive critism" in mind: There are never spaces between (" ") quotation marks and the speech. "Its" is possessive, while "it's" means the same as "it is." It is stolen -or- It's stolen, for example.

I'm just attempting to help out without being borderline harsh.

A little harshness never hurt anyone... permanently.

Thanks Im a new writer so I need all the help I can get, and dont worry about being harsh I wont take it personally

Good work Shinnok, and you take the constructive criticism very well, that´s good! I must say you are improving and your story is interesting!

I apologize to all those who have read The Tale Of Jerrick for my very long absence, I felt like there was nothing left to do in Morrowind or Oblivion so I took a short break but after that no idea's came to me for the story. And after what felt like eternal writers block I came up with something that could drag this forward for years . Or maybe not, but still I have a grand Idea that will come into play later in the story.
Again I apologize and I will try to get an update up as soon as possible.

That's excellent to hear. I look forward to seeing what you've come up with.

Wow, I'm a butthole. I'm sorry to say that my announcement for an update came about four days before the school year began so I'd be lucky to have 5 hours to sleep nonetheless write a story, so when updates come if any expect to come slowly. But I really do apologize its 3am I'm doing my homework and writing this for you, but what I can promise is an update by next Sunday, and if not September will officially be hate on Shinnok Month.