Hey there!

Here is the journal for my Redguard Lissa Cristenn.

Lissa is an Archress, she is very 'pro-female', so she refuses to be acknowledged as an archer, as she finds it sexist. She is 19, carefree and VERY unpredictable. She knows what she want and doesnt take no for an answer, whether she is encouraging her freinds or trying to haggle with a merchant.

I plan to write as much as my brain can handle, which will hopefully be well over 150 chapters, but it depends on the reception I get. I plan to write the journal in first person, to get a more in depth view of Lissa's personality.

Enjoy :D

Edit: I have recently had a complete overhaul of the first part of this chapter. All comments before my comment about the edit, were for the pre-edit

PROLOGUE ~ PART 1

Lissa. Get up.

Lissa, You need to get up now!

“LISSA!”

My eyes pried themselves open. The sun was shining through the window. Another sunny day in Anvil. Maelona was standing by my bed, her hands on her hips.

“Do you realise how long I’ve been calling you for?” Maelona hovered over me, grabbed my duvet and pulled it off the bed, leaving my body vulnerable to the cold air. “You have to get up. Mother wants you to meet her at the Mages Guild before you go and help Dad with the horses.”
“But I had a lesson yesterday. Come on…”
“Look, Liss, You know what Mother’s like. You know what you want to do in life and that’s good. But Mother wants you to be safe.”
I groaned. “Well, you go and I’ll just copy your notes.” I smiled at Maelona, who smiled back.
“Come on Sis, the sooner you get it done the sooner you can go and help dad.”
She was right. Even though tending to the horses was not very thrilling, I got to spend some personal time with my dad, which hardly ever happens due to him being away a lot. I rose slowly out of my bed and put on some clothes. “There’s a good girl. Now hurry to the Guild. I’ve got to meet Gogan.”

* * *

“Now, what do we know about draining health?”
I was sat at a desk in the Guild, tears of tiredness streaming down my face. Mother’s lessons were boring. That’s the only word to describe it. She was adamant that I become at least an Apprentice in Restoration before I set out on my adventures, But I was only 12. I wasn’t going anywhere just yet.
“Mother, I know all this. To drain health you have to get up real close to the enemy then BAM, health draining goodness.”
“Well, no, you have to touch the enemy to drain its health. Have you even been listening Lissa?”
There was an awkward silence, but I spoke up. “No.”
“Lissa!”
“I’m sorry Mother, but I just don’t understand why I have to learn so much RIGHT now. I’m not leaving until I’m 21”
Mothers eyes turned from angry, to sympathetic. She walked over from the bookshelf and perched next to me. Her hand touched mine. “I know honey, I’m sorry. It’s just that I worry. I just want you to be completely safe for when you venture out into the world. If I know that I’ve contributed to your safety, I won’t worry as much.”
I felt incredibly guilty after Mother told me this. “Oh… sorry Mother. I didn’t know you felt like that. Ok… I wanna keep going.”
“No, Lissa, You’re right. I’m pushing too much on you.” She stood up, walked over to the coat rack and grabbed my coat. “That’s enough for today. Go and see your Father.”
Mother smiled at me. I ran up to her and kissed her on the cheek, grabbed the coat from her hand and left.

* * *

“LISSA!”

I turned to see Maelona running towards me. “You left this at home.”
She was holding the jade necklace she bought me for my sixth birthday. My most treasured possession.
“Oh, thanks, where’d you find it?”
“Under your pillow. You need to take care of it. It’s magic, you know.” She smiled and handed me the necklace.
“It sure is Mae. I gotta go see Dad. See you later.”
We exchanged hugs and Maelona ran back towards Gogan. They were sitting by the big oak tree opposite the Mages Guild. Maelona spent all her time there. It seemed a bit boring to me. I headed to the main gate to get to the stables.

* * *

“Sorry honey but the horses are all sorted.”
Dad leaned on the fence of the stables. We had a lot of horses, but not one of them were ours.
“Oh… That’s ok. I’ll go back and see Mother, then.”
“Actually, I had something else planned.”
My eyes lit up. “Ooh, what is it?”
Dad laughed. “Now if I told you that, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”
I was incredibly exited. Not only was I spending quality time with my Dad, but he had an amazing day planned. Things were looking perfect.

* * *

Dad and I went on a little journey along the Gold Coast. It was about as exciting as getting pinched by a mudcrab, but I loved it. I was with my dad. We were walking along the coast, the sun burning its gaze into our skin when Dad suddenly stopped in his tracks. My attention met with what caught his; a young Bosmer girl being chased by what I could only assume were bandits. Dad unsheathed his mighty Blade and said:
"Honey, go back home. Daddy's gotta take care of somethin'." His tone was serious. Mine was not.
"But Daddy, I wanna go with you. I'm not scared."
He knelt down to my level. His eyes met mine.
"I know you're not, honey, but do this for me. Ok?"
After a pause I nodded, my eyes obviously showed my dissapointment. Dad kissed my forehead, rose to his feet and chased the Bandits.

After Dad was out of sight I headed back to Anvil. But then I stopped. I needed to know that Dad was ok, so I turned back around and ran in the direction my Dad had gone. I was disobeying his orders, and I didn't care.

The fresh footprints in the sand led to a solitary cave, which I entered without fear. All I could see was black. All I could hear was the lonley sound of water dripping from above. All I could feel was supressed fear.

I grabbed a torch that hung loosely from the cave wall. Luckily, i knew a minor flare spell, so lighting the torch was no big deal. It was big, though. I looked like an idiot holding it. The moment the heavy torch was lit, horror filled my body and caused my skin to freeze.

Bodies. Lots of bodies.

The bodies of the bandits, bodies of villagers... and the body of the Bosmer. The fear on her face terrified me. She looked so scared. Her eyes were haunting. The smell was horrible. Some of the bodies could have been there for days, or weeks, or months! That was a horrible thought.
But what kind of monster could have done that?

But then I noticed something. Dad was nowhere to be seen.

And the dead had blade marks etched into their bodies. The weapon Dad took into the cave with him.

Only one question filled my head.

Did Dad do this?

Welcome to the fic forums, and congrats on your first post here! GAAAH! Ending with a cliffhanger already !!! Great Write !!!

Welcome Rihanae! This is a nice introduction for your young Redguard. It sounds like you have elaborate plans for this! I expect you are enthusiastic to be starting a new story, but I would now let it rest here for a few days and give folks the oportunity to wander by and read. mALX was right, you have given us a cliffhanger!

I'll be checking back for updates!

Welcome to the mosh pit Rihane!

Lissa's first episode started out slow, but certainly picked up at the end. The way you left us wondering about the nature of her father was fantastic! (and poor cliff, hung again! )

Are you looking for criticisms of your writing? Some people are, some are not. There is nothing wrong with latter.

Agreed! I look forward to reading more. (This forum is really eating into my time at present)

I'm working on a fan fic myself at the moment, but it will likely be a fair while before I post it here, if at all. I don't have the discipline or organisation to update regularly, so I plan to give myself some breathing space with a few dozen pages first, and then post gradually and write up when I can.

My intention was for the first part of the prologue to be plain, like how she saw her life, and things picked up and got more insane near the end, showing a drastic change for her and the story.

I would love any critisisms anyone may have, as long as they are constructive

Fun stuff! I would much like to see more!

This chapter played the role of the "reader-grabber" and did it quite well. I find myself wondering the same thing as dear Lissa. It would make for an interesting twist, as well, having her father be in some sort of sect or cult. However, I find this hard to believe, given his demeanor and treatment of her daughter. Either that, or he's very good at keeping secrets.

Nits:

Should be exciting.

Typo.

Two typos.

"And" should not be capitalized here. The triple period denotes hesitation within a sentence, not the end of a sentence.

I am using the internet on my touchscreen phone, which I used to type the prologue, and I missed the typos, but I will edit them.
Thank you for spotting them

Edit: I have edited the typos

An intriguing story; definitely draws the reader's attention! Am gonna check back for some means of rescue from this cliffhanger! (does that cheesey joke make sense?)

Oh, and welcome!

I saw two main things when I read the first episode. The first, and most minor thing was capitalization. You have a lot of things capitalized that should not be, like Blade, Mace, Bandits, etc... You can find out tons of info on what to capitalize and what not to here.

The second thing is that you fell into the trap that catches most beginning writers. You started out with an infodump telling us all about your character's background and history. We do not need to know any of that to start with. It is better if you slowly reveal these things to us over time. Dole them out like little sweet treats, and your readers will keep coming back for more. Look to how haute has written her protagonist Julian of Anvil, or Grits with Jerric, or Thomas 'captain cook' Kaira with Derelas for examples. Also consider that when you first meet someone IRL, you only find out who they are, and what they are like, a little bit at a time. Let us get to know Lissa in the same manner.

The last thing you fell into with your infodump was that you told it all to us, rather than showed it. A better way to convey details like that Lissa's tends the horses with her dad is to start the story with her doing exactly that. During the scene she might make a comment how she does it every single day. Maybe she finds it tiresome? Maybe she looks forward to it?

It takes more time to write this way, and takes up more space on the page. But there is no hurry, as you do not have to show these things to us all at once. I suggest removing that entire first part and start the story with the action. Just give us a scene here and there as the story goes on showing Lissa doing the ordinary things in her life, and connecting with her friends.

On the other hand, once you passed the infodump and got the the actual story the telling stopped and you did an excellent job of showing us what was happening, and Lissa's reactions. So I do not think it is a recurring issue. Just keep writing the entire piece in that manner, and people will continue coming back for more. I think you are doing a good job over all. You have given us an interesting character to latch onto, plus a mystery for her to solve that is very personal to her. These are the kind of things you want to do right at the start, to catch people's interest and make them want to read more. So keep it up!

Thank you so much for the advice. I see what you mean. Their is alot to Lissa's character that I should reveal gradually. So what should I do?

Shoud I edit the first post and remove what I should?
Or should I delete this and start a new thread?

I would not start a new thread after just one post. Whether you want to keep it the way it is, or change the beginning of that first post, is your call. All I am offering is advice. It is your story. Think about it, and do what you think is right.

I do hope you can use a regular computer to do your writing in the future. I cannot imagine trying to do all of this on a phone! I do all my writing in Word on my home (and sometimes my work) pc. Then copy and paste it here.

I'm with Sage Rose on her advice.

I would edit the first post. What may be easiest is to edit it in a word processor program first, then copy and paste it into the edit screen, completely replacing the first part (or the entire thing, if you don't have to do a lot of formatting, like I do). No need to start a new thread. You should see a button under your post that says edit. When you click on that, it'll give you the option of a quick edit, or a full edit. Since you're editing a lot, I would click on the full edit, as that lets you see more of the post. Quick edit's good for fixing a word or two here and there, but full edit's better for whole blocks of text.

Oh, and welcome to Chorrol! I hope you enjoy your stay here. Do take the time to read others' fiction - it's always inspirational. I would recommend SubRosa's Teresa fiction, or Acadian's Buffy the Bowgirl. Jerric's Story (Grits), Chronicles of Talendor, and Light Through Darkness are good choices too. There's always a few that I leave out, so apologies to the others!

I would also recommend reading "The Neveragaine" and sequel "The Neveragaine Strikes Back." Helena is truly a master of satire.

And if your taste runs to beautifully powerful raw emotions, delightful humor and intricate plot, mALX's Maxical is a delightful story.

When I first saw 'Blade' capitalized I assumed there was something particularly great about the blade (perhaps an enchantment) that merited the capital letter. That had me speculating on what sort of enchantment it could be! Now that I've checked it and seen 'mudcrab' capitalized, I realise that probably wasn't Rihanae's intention.

Great start to this story! I'll definitely be following this one. I love a good cliff hanger.

I have edited the first part of the Prologue. The second part will be here shortly

I reviewed your edited version. By golly you've got it! That is how to 'show' us Lissa instead of 'tell' us about her. Very nice, and you have deftly created a likable character with her full sense of youth and family. I look forward to your next update.

As Acadian said, a tremendous difference! That was well worth the wait. I look forward to the next episode of the Lissa Show!

Much better job, Rihanae.

I will be following you along avidly.

Yay! I especially enjoyed the dialog between the two sisters.

Much, much more interesting. Now I want to know what happens next.

I did notice several nits, which makes me think that English may not be your first language. Am I correct?

Like SubRosa said, I really hope you can do this on a computer. It's so much easier than on a phone, no matter how smart it is (I almost never use my iPhone for text work beyond texting, not even email).

Let me just point out a few things:

I see where you mixed up your past tenses in a few places:

.

It should be either was standing or stood in the first, and were sitting or sat in the second example.

The contraction means you are, the possessive form, which is what you want here, is your.


At least two instances where the period was left out before the closing quote. Easy to miss when on the phone, or tired from too many rewrites. Or maybe the little dots were so bored by the lecture they skipped out.


Here you have Maelona repeating the same gesture twice. Did Lissa not take the necklace the first time Maelona handed it to her?

Overall I see considerable improvement in the writing, which tells me you really want to do well at this. I think it's great, and I do see a lot of potential here. It'll be very interesting to see where you take this story. Keep up the good work you're doing!

Thank you everyone for your comments on the re-write. i like to think i am improving

haute ecole rider: English is my first language, I'm just a little bit bad at typing, but i hope that will improve in time, but i will edit what i should anyway.

Here is part two of the prolugue. (it isnt very long, as some details i wanted to save for later chapters. This is just a short conclusion to the prologue, really. But enjoy none the less! )

PROLOGUE ~ PART TWO

I walked slowly through the damp cave, the light from my torch bouncing off the grimy walls. The smell of death was overpowering me. But i wasn’t scared. I wouldn’t allow myself to be scared, because then I would be vulnerable, and I couldn’t let that happen.

As I journeyed I could feel something. Something strange and unsettling. I stopped to examine my surroundings more closely, but there was nothing. Zilch. But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was in danger. But if Dad did that he wouldn’t hurt me, would he?

I tried to drop that thought immediately. Just because Dad couldn’t be found, and he went in the cave, and there are dead bodies everywhere doesn’t mean he killed them. Did it?

I continued exploring, and before long I heard voices. Male voices, but they weren’t clear. I followed the sound of the voices, carefully sneaking to avoid detection, just in case. The voices began to increase in volume, and eventually I saw the source. Two figures stood in the darkness. I perched myself behind a large rock, listening carefully to the conversation between the two figures.

“You told me that you wouldn’t harm any humans! That was the deal!”

“But she wasn’t human, was she? She was a Bosmer. The lowest of the low. That’s my opinion anyway”

“You told me that if i brought you blood, Any blood. Even animal blood, you would leave my family alone! That was the deal!”

The talk of blood sparked a thought. A vampire? Oh my-

“Khajiit are animals now?”

“The criminals are, yes.”

“So it’s ok to lead the Khajitt into my home, but you just ‘forgot’ to rescue the Bosmer first?”

“You didn’t give me a chance to-“

“Wait! Something is here.”

I froze. The vampire began to smell the air, and his eyes pointed to the space I was hidden.

“Come out little Lissa!” Taunted the vampire. I remained in my space.

“Lissa? What are you doing here?” I stood up cautiously from behind the rock and saw the other figure as clear as day come towards me.

Dad...

“Dad, did you kill those people? I can’t believe-“

“No... I didn’t. I just... home. Now. We will talk when we get back.”

"Oh no my dear fellow, first you will-" said the Imperial vampire. I didn’t even let him finish. Anger overcame me.

“YOU! Stop talking! What have you got my dad involved in?”

“Lissa, honey. Don’t worry.” Dad turned to the vampire. “Our deal is done. You broke the agreement.”

The vampire just stood there. His grin made the skin on his pale face crease. “It doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.”

Suddenly the vampire pulled out a long, bloodsoaked blade and stuck it through my dad’s abdomen. It was so quick. I screamed, in fear and in anger. Adrenaline filled my body. I bolted towards the vampire. I attacked him with my torch. I used all my strength and beat him. He was engulfed in flames. But i continued attacking him. I couldn’t stop. Even when he was dead I couldn’t stop.

“Liss- Lissa, s-s-stop.” The frail, dying voice of my dad. I dropped the torch and ran to him, kneelling by his side.

“Dad! You’re ok-“Blood spurted from his mouth. “Oh, Dad, we have to get you home. Come on.”

“Lissa, it’s too late. It’s too late for me. You need to go home. Forget what you saw. I don’t want Oleta and Maelona’s final memories of me as being a coward.”

"You are not a coward! Don't ever think that! You did what was good for our family."

I began to cry.

"Come on, we need to get home now, Dad!" I tried to lift Dad, to no avail. He spoke again. His voice began to fade. He didn’t have long.

“Promise me something. Never give up on y-your dreams. You discover the world. Promise me.”

I hesitated to answer, my tears wouldn’t let me. But I spoke.

“I promise, Daddy”

Dad smiled. His breath faded. Then he was gone.

* * *

“Are you sure you’re ready, Liss?” Maelona’s voice was reeking of concern.

“Yes! I’m sure! Stop worrying. You’ll get wrinkles!” I laughed. Maelona continued her frantic rant.

“It’s just you said you’d go when you were 21 and you’ve only just turned 16!”

“I know, but when Dad died I decided not to waste any of my life, you know?”

Maelona frowned. She held my shoulders gently, almost comforting me.

“I understand that you’ve been going through some things since Dad died. We all have. But, Liss, that was 3 years ago. You need to have a serious think about what you’re doing.”

I put my hands on Maelona's, “I have thought about it. Don’t try and stop me. Please Sis.”

Maelona just looked at me. She had a sympathetic look in her eye. She soon smiled,
“Well, if it’s what you want to do all I can do is support you. Have you told mum?”

“Yeah... she’s ok with it.”

"Well have you said goodbye to everyone at the guild?"

"Yes Maelona, I have." I answered, exhausted of the questioning.

"Good. I'm certain that everyone wishes you well."

Silence engulfed us.

“So when are you leaving?” Maelona asked. She looked upset, it was heartbreaking.

“Now, I guess. No time like the present, eh?”

The revelation shocked Maelona, I could see it in her eyes, but she recovered from the state and hugged me. “Please promise me you will keep in touch. Promise me.”

I tried to get away. I hated long goodbyes.

“Yeah, I promise.” I assured her.

She let go of me, but we embraced in a hug one last time. When she let go I could see tears streaming down her face while I forced mine back. I began to walk towards the main gate. I tried not to look back. My adventure was about to begin. Maelona would be fine. I knew that. Maelona shouted after me. "DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR UNDER GARMENTS TWICE A WEEK!"

I turned, flabbergasted. "Maelona! Don't tell everyone what I wear under my clothes! Or I'll tell Gogan what you wear under your clothes!"

I gave Maelona a cheeky gesture, suggesting what I meant, but Maelona turned all serious again.

"Just... just be safe, ok?"

"I will. Love you Sis." I could feel myself welling up, so i turned back towards the gate.

But I couldn’t get over the lie I told her.

It hurt to much to even think about it.

I didn’t tell Mother I was leaving...

This chapter is so sad! For sending your story in by phone you are doing very well - the main thing is that you have a very creative mind, and if you can't access a proper computer - have still found a way to tell your story. Great Story and characters !!

I am on a computor now. Doing it by phone is to hard
and thank you for the compliment

I was trying to picture in my mind - How you could see what you are typing on that tiny phone screen, typing on that tiny keypad - it is amazing that you did that and it came out as good as it did. Your story and characters sound really interesting, and you are amazingly dedicated to getting it out - that is inspiring !!

Keep up the great work, if your character is half as tenacious as you are - we readers are in for one great story here !!!

I think you are like my cat - I have a cat that is tenacious - if you tell him he can't do something, he will do everything in his power to do exactly what you said he couldn't. He has survived near death 7-8 times because he never gives up no matter what - he doesn't fight with other cats ever, but is a fighter in his heart.

Four years ago the vet said the cat wouldn't make it overnight, wanted to euthanize him. I refused, he even offered to do it for no charge if I changed my mind. He went ahead and didn't charge me for most of the work he did on him. Four years later I am still petting that cat, here is a picture of him:


THE Bocephus Possom - If you say he can't, he damn sure will!

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images0...b71413143f0.jpg



*

Keep up the great work !!!!

Haha, i'll take that as a compliment!

Yeah, I guess Lissa is pretty tenacious. Shes very outspoken though. Hey, she told a vampire to shut up! Shes got alot of guts to do that haha

And your cat's so cute

Thank you, and yes - it was meant as a compliment. I saw the guts and determination in her. Through her worst fears (that her father had done all that) - she still sought him, even going into that cave. That said a lot about her. Outspoken is great - interesting, unpredictable - I like that in her a lot !!!


This line was huge to me, very powerful statement about who she is:




I am very impressed by Lissa, and awestruck that you were able to get all this out ON A PHONE !!! Holy Cow !!

Again, thank you for the compliments

Btw for my readers, I would love your comments. Your positive remarks (or criticsisms) give me the inspiration to continue writing about Lissa's journey

Don't worry about the readers! Just continue to publish interesting chapters and they will come! See? Here I am!

Now, I enjoyed this chapter... it was quite terrible having Lissa witness the death of her father. And by the hands of a Vampire, no doubt! My oh my, they are sure becoming a popular villain nowadays!

“But she wasn’t human, was she? She was a Bosmer. The lowest of the low. That’s my opinion anyway”

I demand a retraction of this statement immediately! Please do so before a certain blond Bravilian Bosmer comes across it, otherwise you might find yourself on the wrong side of her doctrine.

"Maelona! Don't tell everyone what i wear under my clothes! Or I'll tell Gogan what you wear under your clothes!"

Oh, my... a TES-ified vibrator? That's a new one for me.

Now, I do have some technical criticisms for your consideration:

First off, I'm noticing a lot of places where you dropped the capitalization of the possessive "I." Here's an example:

As i journeyed I could feel something.

"I" should be capitalized here.

I continued exploring, and before long i heard voices.

Same here, and in a few other places.

Next I am seeing a lot of places where you are starting your sentences with conjunctions:

But i wasn’t scared.

But if Dad did that he wouldn’t hurt me, would he?

But i spoke.

Starting a sentence with a conjunction does not make very much sense. Conjunctions exist to allow you to join two sentences or clauses together into one. If you already terminated the previous sentence, what would you be joining together if you started the next one with a conjunction? You should probably combine those previous sentences with the ones before them.

This is a multi-nit passage:

Just because Dad couldn’t be found, and he went in the cave, and their are dead bodies everywhere doesn’t mean he killed them.

I had trouble following this sentence, as it seems to ramble a bit. I would suggest experimenting with it a bit to see if you could get it to flow better. Also, "their" is possessive form of "they." You want "there."

“Lissa, honey. Don’t worry.” Dad turned to the vampire. “Our deal is done. You broke the agreement.”
The vampire just stood there. His grin made the skin on his pale face crease. “It doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.”

The hungry forum ate one of your spaces!

I dropped the torch and ran to him, kennelling by his side

Perhaps you meant "kneeling" here?

“I promise, Daddy{.}”

You lost your period here.

I put my hands on Maelonas’...

Your apostrophe is in the wrong place here. This is the possessive plural usage, and since there are not two Maelonas in the room at the time, it doesn't make sense. Just move your apostrophe one space to the left, and all will be well.

I answered, exausted of the questioning{,} "Yes Maelona, I have."

Perhaps you would consider reverse the ordering of these sentences? You normally start with the quote, and then the narration. However, if you do not wish to, you do need to insert a comma where I have indicated. Also, "exausted" should be "exhausted." (It's a common misspelling, and I constantly have to catch myself on it, if you would know.)

Maelona shouted after me,
"DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR UNDER GARMENTS TWICE A WEEK!"

Looks like an errant press of the "enter" key here. These two sentences should be in the same paragraph.

Thank you for bearing with me through all that. I don't mean to sound like a windbag, my wish is simply to help you become the best writer you can be. Fiction writing is a very good way to gain an excellent grasp of the language which we speak, so please continue.

I continue to look forward to more story!

EDIT: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? The forum dropped all my quotes...

Excuse me, I need to re-format my post.

EDIT 2: There we go.

Thank you for the comments

My opinion of Bosmers is not the same as the vampires, I love Bosmers
Hopefully that certain blond bosmer will appreciate the slaying of the racist vamp

About the 'undergarment' comment, just sisterly banter, left to the imagination. Lissa does have SOME standards haha

I appreciate the comments about the errors. Hopefully one day my writing will be flawless

Thank you

That was an exciting conclusion to the prologue! I really liked how you arranged the plot, with Lissa's father bringing the vampire food so that it would not harm his family. It all made perfect sense. Likewise Lissa's decision to up her timetable to go out and see the world was very understandable, given the circumstances of her father's death.

Your prologue has done exactly what one should. It has set the hook in your reader's mouths, making us want for more. Keep it up!


nits:
I found a pile of things, almost all of them failure to capitalize the word "I". Given how often you do it, I suggest you set your word processor's auto correct options to change that lowercase to an uppercase automatically. Or make a point to do a Search after your first draft to find them all.

Just out of curiosity, how many redrafts do you do of your writing? By which I mean, after you write the entire piece out, how many times do you read through it from start to finish to edit it? I typically do 5-6 drafts, and save each for a separate day so that I can tackle it with a fresh eye. Some people do much more.

and i couldn’t let that happen
That should be an uppercase I there.

As i journeyed I could feel something
Same here.

But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that i was in danger.
And again

and their are dead bodies everywhere doesn’t mean he killed them.
You were looking for there.

and before long i heard voices
And another I again.

and eventually i saw the source
And again.

You told me that if i brought you blood
And again.

Khajitt are animals now?
That is Khajiit.

So it’s ok to lead the Khajitt into my home
Same thing here.

and his eyes pointed to the space i was hidden
An I again.

i stood up cautiously from behind the rock and saw the other figure as clear as day come towards me.
And again.

“Oh no my dear fellow, first you will-“said the Imperial vampire.
There are two issues here. First you have no space after the closing quote. The other is that you have an opening quotation mark, rather than a closing one.

But i continued attacking him
The I once more.

kennelling by his side.
I think you meant kneeling?

“Dad! You’re ok-“Blood spurted from his mouth.
The same problem with the closing quote as the previous time.

But i spoke.
The I once again.

I put my hands on Maelonas’
That should be Maelona's

Well, if it’s what you want to do all i can do is support you.
Another I.

“Please promise me you will keep in touch. Promise me.”
I tried to get away. I hated long goodbyes.
The hungry forum ate your space between these two paragraphs.

Don't tell everyone what i wear under my clothes
And I again.

I gave Maelona a cheeky gesture, suggesting what i meant,
And again.

so i turned back towards the gate.
And again.

But i couldn’t get over the lie I told her.
And blessedly, the last lowercase I.

First things first. Great job on the rewrite of the first installment. You took the advice to heart and ran with it.

On to the second installment. Great stuff! I won't go into any nits because you have been inundated with plenty of them. No point in repeating.

So perhaps we have a budding vampire slayer in the making? Lissa certainly has cause to hunt them down. I'm looking forward to more of Lissa's adventures.

You are really doing well with this concept of 'show', don't 'tell'. In this episode you covered plenty of ground and revealed plenty of background just through what Lissa saw and heard.

A sad end to Lissa's father that shall, I suspect, retain a shroud of some mystery. Killing a Bosmer hating vampire? Lissa, you go, girl!

And now, our little Redguard heads out on her own to see the world.

I know that writing and editing can be lots of work. I'm another who edits endlessly as a draft slowly works its way up the queue toward posting it seems. You have a wonderful concept here and as you can see, there is plenty of help to work out some of the crafty bits on writing.

Well our protagonist seems to be skilled in magic of some type(s) and blunt weapons (beat the vamp to death with a torch, hey I think there is a mod that lets you do that).


Will be checking for updates!

Thank you everyone for the wonderful comments

I just want to let you all know that the next part will be here tommorow, and after that at least once a week.

By the way, don't worry too much about nits (but do try to build your proofreading skills and grammar by addressing them in future publications), the best way to improve your writing skills is to just write.

Write your heart out, take the comments into consideration, address any grammar errors you may have made, and your skills will develop very well.

Thomas Kaira & SubRosa: Thank you both for the kind words and the edit suggestions for the journal. Hopefully my grammer will improve if I keep at it!

King Coin: Thank you for the kind words. Lissa has basic skills in Destruction, Restoration and Illusion, which will come in handy for her in the future if she decides to improve them.

Acadian: Thank you so much. It feels like an honour having you congratulate my work! thank you

TheOtherRick: Thank you for the kind words. Maybe Lissa will decide to hunt vampires, and maybe not. It depends on how she feels if she sees another one of those dreadful being! haha.

Anyway, on to the first chapter:

---

PREVIOUSLY: Lissa was just living her life in Anvil, Learning restoration with her mother and arguing with her sister. One day, hoever, she went for a walk with her dad. Her dad noticed Khajiit bandits chasing a female Bosmer and decided to go after them, telling Lissa to go home.

Lissa refused and chased her father. She was led to a cave, full of dead people, and she became worried that it was her dad who did it. She eventually found out that the cause of the death's was a vampire, who Lissa's dad had been working for in order to protect his family. The vampire kills Lissa's dad for stopping their deal, so the Vampire kills him, and Lissa kills the vampire.

3 years after, Lissa decided to go out and explore Tamriel...

CHAPTER ONE ~ HAMMERFELL

“Welcome to Dragonstar, fellow Redguard! Been in Hammerfell long?”

I was quite overwhelmingly greeted by a friendly man, quite old but still nice. He was also a Redguard and by his attire I could only assume he was a mage of some sort. He wore a blue robe, which was very well made, and he carried a large staff. It was almost as big as me.

“Erm… No, not really. I’ve only just arrived.” I told him. I’d already been travelling for two years, receiving the same greeting everywhere I went. All I wanted was a nice hot bath, and maybe to visit a salon. My hair was awful; it was ratty and greasy, it was just awful.

“Well, I’m suspecting that you are in dire need of some relaxation. Please, come with me. I’ll get you sorted.” The old mage said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me through the town.

“Thanks, I could use a sit down I guess, you know, treat myself.” I joked. I needed to keep him talking about anything, before he asked me about my travels. They always do. They always ask every little detail. They obviously didn’t realise the amount of effort it took trying to remember-

“So tell me about your travels, young... oh, I don’t know your name, do I? My name is Jakkel Smithin, but please, call me Jak. And yours?

“My name is Maelissa Oleta Cristenn, but just call me Lissa.” I said, slightly mocking him, a little joke to myself I hoped he wouldn’t understand.

“Well, Lissa, let's get you inside and you can tell me all about your travels!” Jak said with delight. He looked at me, smiling, so I forced a smile right back.

Yay…

* * *

We sat in Jak’s cottage. It was very homely, I felt very safe. Apart from the stuffed bear head on the wall that stared directly at me, I felt very at ease.

“So after I left Skyrim I made my way to High Rock, then here. But if I’m honest, Hammerfell has always been my main destination, I wanted to get in touch with my roots, you know?” I told Jak, I had been stuck telling the story of my travels for an hour at least. I was beginning to bore myself.

“Well, you certainly have been around haven’t you?” He said, he looked almost proud of me, for some strange reason. “So, how long are you planning of gracing Hammerfell with your presence?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a couple of months or so, I don’t know. I was hoping to find a mentor for using the bow, but I don’t know whether Hammerfell would have any. Valenwood would be the best bet, wouldn’t it?”

Jak had a smile spread across his face. “Actually, it just so happens that I’m a master of marksman. I could be your mentor if you would like?”

The coincidental revelation stunned me. It has always been very unlikely for a Redguard to be such an expert in marksman, but who was I to turn down his offer? Assuming he was telling me the truth, that is.

“Yeah, that sound great, Jak, thanks. But do me a quick favour first, yeah?”

“Of course I can. What is it?”

“Prove it?” I said, as nicely as I possibly could. If he was telling the truth, I wouldn’t want to anger him. “Please.”

Jak rose up from his seat. He walked over to a cupboard and grabbed a golden bow and a quiver of arrows. He stood by the open window, readied his shot and fired. I jumped from my seat and ran to the window. A perfect hit of a very thin tree, almost 60 feet away. I turned to Jak, with a smile on my face.

“So… When can we start?”

* * *

“I have a gift for you Lissa. Happy 19th birthday!”

Jak was standing by where I was sat, holding a small package wrapped in silver paper. It was so beautiful I almost didn’t want to open it. But hey, what was I supposed to do?

“Thank you, Jak. You shouldn’t have!” I said, taking the parcel from Jak and opening it carefully, yet hastily. A Sapphire. “Oh… you shouldn’t have.”

Jak laughed.

“No, Lissa this is a Guardian stone.”

“A what what?” I replied, confused.

“This is a stone which enables the holder to speak with their Guardian Spirit. In your case, a young archer named Rihanae.”

“Really?” My voice suddenly turned quite shrill. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!”

I jumped out of my seat and grabbed Jak for a hug.

“But that isn’t all.”

A smile covered my face as I wondered what more he could possibly have.

“You have been doing so well with the art of marksman that I have arranged for my friend, Falvor, to come over and give you a reading. He can tell you things about your future.”

My smile grew bigger.

Oh my gosh. Best. Birthday. EVER!

* * *

I sat in my room, waiting for Falvor to arrive, trying to pick out my best clothes.

“Is that really important? He won’t care what you look like.”

I turned around rapidly, scanning the room for the speaker. Nobody was there.

“You won’t find me. I don’t have physical form, well, not anymore.”

I remained on alert mode.

“Are you really this air headed? It’s me, Rihanae, your Guardian.”

I suddenly relaxed, feeling kind of stupid that I didn’t work it out straight away.

“Oh, okay. I really should have guessed that, shouldn’t I?”

It was strange. It was like someone was speaking into my ear as clear as day, but no one was there.

“Anyway like I said, he won’t care what you look like.”

“You don’t know that. He could be a young, handsome Breton for all you know.”

“I doubt that… pick the blue dress.”

“Ooh, good choice!”

* * *

“So, are you ready for this?” said Falvor, yet another old Reguard mage. I love Hammerfell. So many young men.

“Yes. I most certainly am!”

Falvor took my hand. He pressed his thumbs gently across it. His face looked so serious. It was kind of funny. He seemed to have been mumbling something under his breath. I looked at Jak, who gave me a reassuring nod.

After 5 minutes Falvor’s grip of my hand began to tighten, to the point of causing me pain. He started to speak.

“You have to go back, you must go back. Things will get bad. Very bad. Only you can stop what is coming. Only you can. Go back. You must go back to Cyrodill. NOW! They need you. GO NOW!”

I released my hand from Falvor’s grip. I was slightly unnerved. Jak held onto Falvar and guided him outside.

What the-

After a short while he came back in. I stood up and walked over to him, confronting him.

“What just happened, Jak? Is he insane?” I asked, slightly angry.

“He may be a bit intense, but he is never wrong.”

We stood in silence. If he was never wrong, that meant that I was to be some kind of hero or something. But also that meant that people were in danger and if that included mother and Maelona, I had no time for thinking, only doing.

“Right, I’m going back to Cyrodiil.” I informed Jak. He didn’t seem surprised, nor did he try to stop me.

“How will you get there? You can’t walk, not if you want to get there as soon as possible”

“Then I’ll take a crriage.”

“Do you realise how much money you would need for that journey?”

“Then I’ll stowaway. I don’t care, I need to get to Cyrodiil now!”

Jak just looked at me, then he walked over to me and hugged me.

“You’ve been here a year and you’ve already grown up so much, Lissa.” He let go and held my arms. “You must do what you have to do. But you must know that I will always be here for you, okay? And if you ever need me… well, I’ll just know.”

I stood in silence. I felt emotional, but I hugged him and unintentionally spoke,

“Thanks Daddy.”

I didn’t even notice what I called him…

This is fantastic Rihanae!

It's amazing to see such a jump in quality from your first post (which I still enjoyed greatly ).

Definitely keep it up!

You've got another intrigued reader.

Thomas Kaira - you can certainly begin a sentence with a conjunction, as my Good friend (C. Edward Good that is) will testify (see pages 157-159):

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=KHp1kMd...p;q&f=false

I personally would say that Rihanae's use of conjuctions to begin sentences is OK. However, in this passage:



I probably would not use the second 'but', just: 'Then I noticed something.'

Rihanae, I am intrigued by your story. I enjoy Lissa’s informal way of speaking, and I like that it carries across to the narrative parts.

With a name like that, I was expecting this guy to be of the evil sorts. Glad that he isn't.

I never said it was a concrete rule, nor did I say you are not supposed to. I simply said that it does not make much sense to do so. The purpose of a conjunction is to join together two clauses in one sentence. I've seen several authors who do occasionally (I say occasionally) start sentences with conjunctions, but the point I am trying to get across is that such a practice is a bad habit to get into starting sentences with them all the time. That it why I only point this out if you are doing it too much.

You also need to be careful where and how to use a conjunction as a sentence starter; they need to feel natural. This passage:



Does not feel natural to me, it feels like the "and" was tacked on at the end needlessly. Whereas this one:



Is a better example. You can't just throw them in at the start of a sentence and expect them to work. You need to maintain a the flow of the writing, and conjunctions as sentence starters tend to disrupt that flow for beginning and amateur writers, which is why I advise against doing so if you are just starting and are still working out your grammar skills.

I will revise my criticisms on these a bit, but please keep in mind that just because something is technically okay to do does not make it okay to do all the time. I take liberty with the language which we speak just as much as you do, and while I agree with Good that it is okay at times to use a conjunction to start a sentence, I must respectfully disagree with his idea that it can be done all the time, as this passage is testament to:



In fact, I myself do not like his usage of sentence starting conjunctions here at all. If I were to rewrite this sentence, this is what it would look like:

So go ahead and start sentences with conjunctions; your writing will improve dramatically. You'll also help your readers move along from sentence to sentence. But if you have trouble convincing your professors...

Yes, I know, he was trying to make a point. But with this idea, less is most definitely more. (HA!)

By only rarely using conjunctions to start sentences, you make them stand out. And if you do it properly, you add impact to your writing. ( )

THAT is how you use conjunctions as sentence starters, at least in my eyes. Rihanae's problem was that she was tacking them onto tiny sentences that didn't really have much strength to stand on their own, which is a beginner mistake. That is NOT proper usage of conjunctions as sentence starters. Notice how the two I did, if you were to remove the sentence before them, would still be able to stand on their own?

It is a trend I have noticed in beginning writers to add a sentence-starting conjunction to a tiny sentence that would be better off integrated into the sentence before it. This is simply them taking the desire for short, concise sentences in fiction writing a bit too far. That is why I pointed it out here, I wanted to make Rihanae aware of this. You can't just tack a conjunction onto the start of a sentence and expect it to work, you need to be careful. Pick and choose where you wish to use them. THAT is how you will become a better writer.

Right, that's that messy business out of the way. I am really liking the style you are developing here. Very whimsical and innocent, and it fits Lissa quite well.

"My name is Jakkel Smithin, but please, call me Jak."
Argh! It's Jak! He who is nimble with the candlestick! Run for it, Lissa! Don't let him light his candle in your hearth!

It was so beautiful I almost didn’t want to open it. But hey, what was I supposed to do?
That's the way it's done.

It appears Mehrunes Dagon is on the move, as well. Will Lissa return to Cyrodiil in time? I hope so.

Nits:

“Well, Lissa, let{'}s get you inside and you can tell me all about your travels!”
You're missing an apostrophe where I've indicated. You want the contraction (which separated means let us) here.

I don’t care{,} I need to get to Cyrodiil now!
This comma probably got scared off by Falvor's intensity!

Jak just looked at me. He slowly walked over to me and hugged me.
These two together are confusing. perhaps if you were to insert "then" between "he" and "slowly"?

The rest of these are style-based considerations, so feel free to ignore them if you wish:

My hair was awful. It was ratty and greasy, it was just awful.
These two sentences could probably do better joined together. Perhaps like this? "My hair was awful; ratty and greasy, it was just awful."

...but who was I to turn down his offer, assuming he was telling the truth anyway.
This one might work better separated in two. Perhaps like this? "...but who was I to turn down his offer? Assuming he was telling the truth, that is."

Hmm. I personally think (just my opinion) that Rihanae's use of conjunctions to start sentences was actually quite good. For example, in this passage:



you said that the 'and' as a sentence-starter was awkward, but actually I think it worked pretty well. In my opinion, it builds the tension to have individual sentences rather than one sentence or a paragraph. It creates the feeling that these thoughts are actually unfolding in Lissa's mind one by one, rather than being written in a paragraph which for me would create the feeling of a much more detached account. Put another way, which is more dramatic, the real version (above) or:



I certainly agree with your assessment of Mr. Good's use of conjunctions as sentence-starters. 'For your writing will improve dramatically' just does not sound right at all. I also agree that it can definitely become an overused feature of grammar. But (and see I'm doing it now!) I think it largely worked to good effect in Rihanae's first entry.

By the way, you can't use a stative verb (to like) in continuous tenses. You can only use continuous tenses with dynamic verbs (running, swimming, playing etc.) It should be 'I really like the style you are developing here' rather than 'I am really liking the style you are developing here'. But hey, I blame McDonalds for starting the whole 'I'm loving it' crap.

Edited

@ Ceidwad & Thomas Kaira: I suggest taking the conjunction junction debate to another topic, and leave Rihane's topic to her story. The thread on Writing might be a good one to talk more on the subject, or perhaps even start a new one on grammar usage.

Now, back to the LF.
Hmmm, I wonder if Jak has a springheel?

“Prove it?” I said, as nicely as I possibly could.
You go Lissa!

I love Hammerfell. So many young men.
They've all gone to Cyrodiil. Just ask Chance!

A mostly quiet little piece, yet still with a great deal going on. Lissa meets and archery teacher, gets a voice in her head, and finally a doomful pronouncement from the local Witchman. When you look back, it is hardly quiet at all!


nits:
So tell me about your Travels young…
travels ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun.

Oh my god.
Not actually a nit, just an observation. Unless you mean to change it, Tamriel is presented as being polytheistic. You might want to change that to gods, or use the name of a specific one, if there is one of the Nine that Lissa feels particularly drawn to. For that matter "By the Nine!" is a rather common exclamation one sees in ES that you might use instead.

Agreed. If you could re-post your response in the writing process thread, Ceidwad, I will respond to you there. However, I must state one thing...



This is needless. When I am responding to a story, I am a lot more interested in the grammar in the story than in my own (and vice versa for my own tale). Besides, it's a response, and I am typing in the way the words first come to me. You are essentially correcting my speech patterns here, and some people can take offense to that. I don't, but just to let you know. It also gives the impression that you are cherry-picking my responses to try and damage my credibility (but don't worry, I know you are not ), which that is certainly unacceptable.

Thanks anyway, but you didn't exactly choose the right place to grade my grammar.

Sorry, Rihanae... didn't mean to drag you off-topic again.