I wrote this little piece after a debate with some weasel about video game violence. It's my first time attempting any type of writing, so any comments will be greatly appreciated. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy it!
Somewhere in Cyrodiil, in a deep, dark cave�.
I blocked the troll�s club, and raised my longsword for the finishing stroke.
The troll raised his hand. �Hang up, mate. There�s a goblin behind you,� the troll said.
I stopped, bewildered. �Wait�did you just say something?�
Normally, trolls didn�t talk, and they certainly didn�t stop in the middle of a fight to let me know another creature was sneaking up from behind.
�Yeah. I just thought you should know, a goblin just came in, and he�s standing behind you.�
�Right. I�m gonna fall for that one. Gimme a break.� I raised my sword again.
�No, really. There�s a goblin in a suit. Right behind you.�
My arms went slack, and I stared at the troll.
�A goblin. In a suit. Yer off yer rocker, aren�t ya?�
Just then, something coughed behind me. I spun around, and there stood a goblin, dressed in a blue pinstriped suit, complete with power tie and briefcase.
My speechcraft being fairly good, I greeted this newcomer.
�Uh��
Ok, so my speechcraft isn�t that good when confronted by a goblin in a suit. I looked around. The troll just shrugged and said �I�ll wait. I�m not in any hurry.�
The goblin cleared its throat, making a sound like a bull elephant in rut, or Rosie O�Donnell when she spots food. I turned back to the goblin, completely lost.
�I�m with the International Council on Video Game Violence,� he said. His voice reminded me of Pierce Brosnan, if Pierce Brosnan had a severe hoarse throat. �I�m here to evaluate your violent tendencies, to be included in a new report titled �Of course gratuitous video game violence causes game players to become violent criminals in the real world, and if you don�t believe us you�re probably a Holocaust denier too.� It�s a working title, you know�
�Uh��
The goblin opened his briefcase, taking out a large sheaf of papers, a pen, and a pair of wire-rimmed reading glasses. He perched the glasses on his blunt face, and began reading.
�How long have you been playing video games?�
�Wait�.why are you here?�
�I just told you.�
�No, I mean here in the game. Why not send me some kind of survey in the mail or something? And HOW did you get in here?�
�Oh, we were part of the last patch you installed. We find it much easier to get a player�s attention this way. Now, I really must continue. I�m going to evaluate how violent you are in the real world, and how much the gratuitous violence in this video game has influenced your decision to commit mass murder.�
�Hang on. Did you say my decision to commit mass murder?�
�So, you HAVE decided then.� He quickly scribbled something onto the paper.
�Yes. I mean, no. I�m not going to commit mass murder.�
�You play video games, don�t you?�
�Uh�Obviously. I�m here, right?�
�Then it�s only a matter of when you decide to go through with your plans.�
�What plans? I don�t have any plans.�
�I�ll be the judge of that. Now, may I continue?�
�Can�t this wait? I�m kind of in the middle of something here��
�Yes, I saw that. Quite violent, too.� He scribbled more notes.
�Well, it�s part of the game, you know. Adventurers killing evil creatures to finish a quest and all that.�
�Hey, I�m not evil!� the troll yelled.
�Sorry. I didn�t mean any offense. But it is part of the game.�
The troll glared at me before shuffling off, muttering something about �always think we�re evil, worthless players.�
�Racial profiling, too.� The goblin was writing furiously.
�What are you writing?�
�Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, how long have you played video games?�
�Um�I�d rather not say.�
�Why on earth not?�
�Well�er�it�ll give away how old I am.�
�I assure you, your answers will be kept strictly confidential, and only our research analysts will have access to this information. It�s so much easier to manipulate the data and twist the results in our favor, you know, if no one else is ever allowed to see it.�
�I always wondered about that.�
�Yes, well. Can we PLEASE get on with this? I have a press announcement to get to.�
�Fine. Let�s just say, I started out on the NES.�
�The what?�
�The NES. Nintendo Entertainment System. You know, Donkey Kong, Mario Bros?�
The goblin looked shocked. �You�re absolutely ancient!�
�Oh, come on! I�m not that old! The NES has only been around for about 25 years, you know.�
The goblin eyed me suspiciously.
�Fine! Alright. I�m 34. Satisfied?�
�34?! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no! This won�t work. The results only work if the players are all in their mid-teens to early 20s!�
�So, you�re not going to interview me?�
�Of course not! If we included results from ALL players, regardless of age, it would prove there�s no significant link between video games and violence! You�ll ruin everything! Yes, I know a recent, honest study, found that the average age of gamers is 30, but we can�t let anyone know that! It would throw off our preconceived results!�
�Yeah, that sucks when the truth just mucks things up, doesn�t it? But, it does bring up another question. Why are you interviewing Elder Scrolls players? I mean, yeah, it can be fairly violent, but it�s not like there have been any mass murders where some kid ran rampant through a petting zoo with a sword yelling �I am the Nerevarine!� Shouldn�t you be talking to the �Call of Duty� or �Grand Theft Auto� players? After all, there aren�t any guns in this game.�
�What!? No guns?! But, but, without guns, it destroys the hypothesis��
�Nope, none. Sorry about that. Guess you guys really don�t know much about video games after all, huh?�
The goblin looked as if his whole world was crashing down on him.
I reached out and patted him on the shoulder.
�Oh, this has been a complete waste of time!� he cried.
Then his eyes sparkled as a thought struck him.
�I know! I can just say that all the players here are antisocial and paranoid, and didn�t want to talk to me! I can include that in my data! Yes! It�s brilliant.�
He put the papers and pen back in the briefcase. �I won�t be using you for this study, of course. I�ll just manufacture the data I need. I hope you understand.�
�It�s ok.�
The goblin smiled, which made his face even more grotesque.
�Thank you for understanding,� he said.
�I wouldn�t make a good subject for you, anyway. In real life, I�m actually pretty laid back.�
As the goblin turned to leave, I hefted my sword, and with one swing took off his head.
�But in here, I AM pretty violent and ruthless. Now, where did that evil troll go?�