President Bush visits all the grade schools in order to improve his electoral ratings. At one school, the teacher is holding a discussion regarding the meanings of certain words. President Bush leads the class.
"Can anybody give me an example of the word 'disaster'?" he asks.
One little girl raises her hand and answers, "What if my friend Lucy, who lives on a farm, was run over by a tractor and killed. That would be a disaster Mr.President."
"I'm sorry" says Bush, "But that would not be a disaster, that would be an accident. Does anybody else want to have a go?"
A little boy in the front raises his hand. "What if a school bus full of children drove off a cliff and everyone inside died?"
"No" says Bush, "That would be a 'great loss'. Can't anyone give me an example of the word 'disaster'?"
After a long silence, a boy in the back raises his hand and in a small voice he says, "What if an Air Force One jet carrying the president was shot down in friendly fire missile and everyone on board was killed?"
"Yes! That's right!" cries the President in triumph, "And can you tell me why that would be a disaster?"
"Well," says the boy, "It would have to be a disaster because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Full Version: Line up yer jokes ;)
Ha ha ha thats funny.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Haha...oh my. Way to go! 
:lmao: oh my g****
HA HA HA HA!!!! :rofl: :lmao: 
A philosophy professor came to university one day with a big glass jar and three boxes filled, respectivly, with rocks, gravel and sand. As he entered the amphitheater filled with his students he began his lecture by filling the jar with rocks and a question:
"Is this jar completely filled ?"
Several students said that there are empty spaces in jar; professor nodded and then took the gravel, filling up the big holes between rocks in jar. Then he repeated his question.
This time more students said that the jar still has lot of slack space, and professor then, in responce, took the third and final box, containing sand, and filled those smallest gaps with it. When he asked his question again nearly everyone replied that the jar was filled completely.
"Good" professor replied, "now observe: if this jar represents human life, you can see that there are major things in it, like schooling, love and wedding, birth of a child or death of some family member; those are rocks. The smaller things in life, such as getting a driver`s licence or a new job, is gravel; it fills much empty space in life. Then, there are small things in life - like festivals, music concerts, movies or even your favourite TV show; those things are the spice of life and so, they fill the rest of your life.
So, a man or a woman can say that they lived a fulfilled life only when they had all these things in it."
After a brief pause one student who`s been silent troughout the whole lecture raised from his seat, went all the way down to professor`s jar with a can of beer in his hands. When he got near to it he opened the beercan and poured the beer into the jar.
Professor, stunned, asked him what was he doing. Student answered him:
"No matter how much the life is full, there is always enough room in it for beer !"
"Is this jar completely filled ?"
Several students said that there are empty spaces in jar; professor nodded and then took the gravel, filling up the big holes between rocks in jar. Then he repeated his question.
This time more students said that the jar still has lot of slack space, and professor then, in responce, took the third and final box, containing sand, and filled those smallest gaps with it. When he asked his question again nearly everyone replied that the jar was filled completely.
"Good" professor replied, "now observe: if this jar represents human life, you can see that there are major things in it, like schooling, love and wedding, birth of a child or death of some family member; those are rocks. The smaller things in life, such as getting a driver`s licence or a new job, is gravel; it fills much empty space in life. Then, there are small things in life - like festivals, music concerts, movies or even your favourite TV show; those things are the spice of life and so, they fill the rest of your life.
So, a man or a woman can say that they lived a fulfilled life only when they had all these things in it."
After a brief pause one student who`s been silent troughout the whole lecture raised from his seat, went all the way down to professor`s jar with a can of beer in his hands. When he got near to it he opened the beercan and poured the beer into the jar.
Professor, stunned, asked him what was he doing. Student answered him:
"No matter how much the life is full, there is always enough room in it for beer !"
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
I have a funny.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
OK, so I don't have any, leave me alone...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
OK, so I don't have any, leave me alone...
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
QUOTE(Darkwing)
President Bush visits all the grade schools in order to improve his electoral ratings. At one school, the teacher is holding a discussion regarding the meanings of certain words. President Bush leads the class.
\"Can anybody give me an example of the word 'disaster'?\" he asks.
One little girl raises her hand and answers, \"What if my friend Lucy, who lives on a farm, was run over by a tractor and killed. That would be a disaster Mr.President.\"
\"I'm sorry\" says Bush, \"But that would not be a disaster, that would be an accident. Does anybody else want to have a go?\"
A little boy in the front raises his hand. \"What if a school bus full of children drove off a cliff and everyone inside died?\"
\"No\" says Bush, \"That would be a 'great loss'. Can't anyone give me an example of the word 'disaster'?\"
After a long silence, a boy in the back raises his hand and in a small voice he says, \"What if an Air Force One jet carrying the president was shot down in friendly fire missile and everyone on board was killed?\"
\"Yes! That's right!\" cries the President in triumph, \"And can you tell me why that would be a disaster?\"
\"Well,\" says the boy, \"It would have to be a disaster because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.\"
\"Can anybody give me an example of the word 'disaster'?\" he asks.
One little girl raises her hand and answers, \"What if my friend Lucy, who lives on a farm, was run over by a tractor and killed. That would be a disaster Mr.President.\"
\"I'm sorry\" says Bush, \"But that would not be a disaster, that would be an accident. Does anybody else want to have a go?\"
A little boy in the front raises his hand. \"What if a school bus full of children drove off a cliff and everyone inside died?\"
\"No\" says Bush, \"That would be a 'great loss'. Can't anyone give me an example of the word 'disaster'?\"
After a long silence, a boy in the back raises his hand and in a small voice he says, \"What if an Air Force One jet carrying the president was shot down in friendly fire missile and everyone on board was killed?\"
\"Yes! That's right!\" cries the President in triumph, \"And can you tell me why that would be a disaster?\"
\"Well,\" says the boy, \"It would have to be a disaster because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.\"
lol, thats a good one.
haha thats so true (the first post)
[quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img]
[quote=Oozae][quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img][/quote]
Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:
Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:
[quote=minque][quote=Oozae][quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img][/quote]
Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:[/quote]
Gosh, you need to see more Star Wars...
It's something along the lines of "apprentice".
Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:[/quote]
Gosh, you need to see more Star Wars...
It's something along the lines of "apprentice".
[quote=Sinder Velvin][quote=minque][quote=Oozae][quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img][/quote]
Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:[/quote]
Gosh, you need to see more Star Wars...
It's something along the lines of "apprentice".[/quote]That is indeed most true, my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img]
Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:[/quote]
Gosh, you need to see more Star Wars...
It's something along the lines of "apprentice".[/quote]That is indeed most true, my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img]
well you could always join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them
If a man says something, but there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't
You laugh because I’m different I laugh because you're all the same
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths. Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her
I dislike blasphemy on purely rational grounds. If there is no God, blasphemy is stupid and unnecessary; if there is, then it's damned dangerous
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off
-----------------
What do you guys think?
If a man says something, but there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't
You laugh because I’m different I laugh because you're all the same
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths. Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her
I dislike blasphemy on purely rational grounds. If there is no God, blasphemy is stupid and unnecessary; if there is, then it's damned dangerous
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off
-----------------
What do you guys think?
:lmao: :rofl: Great jokes! More please!
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off
Thats a brilliant one! lol
Thats a brilliant one! lol
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her
LOL great!
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her
LOL great!
my father works at the place were they pump up the trains wheels
my friend is so ugly when he was a baby the doctor tinted his incubater windows
his mother had to tie a piece of meat around his neck for the dogs to play with him.
my friend is so ugly when he was a baby the doctor tinted his incubater windows
his mother had to tie a piece of meat around his neck for the dogs to play with him.
Jokes, hmm, ok I got one.
This is probably PG-13 so....dont get to sensitive, besides, it's just a joke
An average guy wih an average face and build was in his trunks on the beach, hoping to attract a woman to him. For hours he wandered the sand, but to no avail. The Women simply paid him no attention.
However he did notice a Handsome bodybuilder on the beach that women absolutley adored and crowded around just for the privlege of standing next to him.
So the Average man approached the bodybuilder and begged him to reveal his secret. The bodybuilder being an amiable sort leaned in and whispered to him: "I put a potato in my swimming trunks."
The average man seemed confused but was willingto try anything at this point.
A week later, the average man confronted the bodybuilder and angrily demanded to know what was wrong wih his advice, he yelled and screamed that before at least women just ignored him, but now they avoided him like the plague, often looking at him with disgusted faces.
The bodybuilder looked him over and leaned in again.
"Try putting it in the front."
This is probably PG-13 so....dont get to sensitive, besides, it's just a joke
An average guy wih an average face and build was in his trunks on the beach, hoping to attract a woman to him. For hours he wandered the sand, but to no avail. The Women simply paid him no attention.
However he did notice a Handsome bodybuilder on the beach that women absolutley adored and crowded around just for the privlege of standing next to him.
So the Average man approached the bodybuilder and begged him to reveal his secret. The bodybuilder being an amiable sort leaned in and whispered to him: "I put a potato in my swimming trunks."
The average man seemed confused but was willingto try anything at this point.
A week later, the average man confronted the bodybuilder and angrily demanded to know what was wrong wih his advice, he yelled and screamed that before at least women just ignored him, but now they avoided him like the plague, often looking at him with disgusted faces.
The bodybuilder looked him over and leaned in again.
"Try putting it in the front."
I have a joke but it's so silly that I will make it a joke and a guessing game, k?
DISNEY'S DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:
1.) _____ says "My husband is an animal."
2.) __________ says "Mine still drives a pumpkin!"
3.) ____ _____ says "Mine leaves me at home with seven little ones."
4.) _____ says "Mine wants me to wear fish net stockings."
5.) ________ ______ says "I just pretend to be asleep."
Now there will be bigtime prizes distributed to the winner of the quiz, the first person to guess all five Disney housewives in the right slot. hahahaha
DISNEY'S DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:
1.) _____ says "My husband is an animal."
2.) __________ says "Mine still drives a pumpkin!"
3.) ____ _____ says "Mine leaves me at home with seven little ones."
4.) _____ says "Mine wants me to wear fish net stockings."
5.) ________ ______ says "I just pretend to be asleep."
Now there will be bigtime prizes distributed to the winner of the quiz, the first person to guess all five Disney housewives in the right slot. hahahaha
1.Belle; Beauty and the Beast
2.Cinderella; erm,...Cinderella
3. Snow White,.....snow....white
4.Ariel; The Little Mermaid
5.Princess Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
Not that the cold-hearted assassin Black Hand has ever watched a disney movie mind you!
*Holds back a tear as Bambi's mom gets shot*
2.Cinderella; erm,...Cinderella
3. Snow White,.....snow....white
4.Ariel; The Little Mermaid
5.Princess Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
Not that the cold-hearted assassin Black Hand has ever watched a disney movie mind you!
*Holds back a tear as Bambi's mom gets shot*
You got them all first guess! Mickey will be sending prizes around shortly.
OMG ... the sadness of Bambi, Dumbo and Old Yeller. Nobody makes movies like that anymore.
OMG ... the sadness of Bambi, Dumbo and Old Yeller. Nobody makes movies like that anymore.
QUOTE(Ibis @ Jul 26 2006, 01:15 PM) 
You got them all first guess! Mickey will be sending prizes around shortly.
OMG ... the sadness of Bambi, Dumbo and Old Yeller. Nobody makes movies like that anymore.
Old Yeller????? Ohh that was my favourite book when I was....ehrm....young.....it´s awesome!
I really wished I had some less adult jokes I really do, but nothing comes to mind. Except for a "Your Daddy is so Poor" quip, but I don't know if those are acceptable.
Here's one:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God
is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the
universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
Here's another one:
Up in heaven, a bunch of scientists are playing tag,
and it's Albert Einstein's turn to be "it". Once he gets done counting,
he turns around and sees Isaac Newton just standing there,
in the middle of a box he's drawn on the ground. So Einstein walks over and tags him,
but Newton doesn't do anything. Einstein says, "Newton, what are you doing? I caught you."
And Newton replies, "No you didn't. I'm Newton over a square meter. You caught Pascal."
The second one's a bit hard to comprehend without some knowledge of physics, but I think you'll manage.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God
is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the
universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
Here's another one:
Up in heaven, a bunch of scientists are playing tag,
and it's Albert Einstein's turn to be "it". Once he gets done counting,
he turns around and sees Isaac Newton just standing there,
in the middle of a box he's drawn on the ground. So Einstein walks over and tags him,
but Newton doesn't do anything. Einstein says, "Newton, what are you doing? I caught you."
And Newton replies, "No you didn't. I'm Newton over a square meter. You caught Pascal."
The second one's a bit hard to comprehend without some knowledge of physics, but I think you'll manage.
Ok im not very good at telling stories so go easy on me.
A man goes to a drive through bank. And when he got there he sent a note to the banker (via air tube thing) saying that he was robbing the bank. Then the banker sends $50,000 back to the Bank robber. Then the man drove away. The next day the banker was Fired.
Who's dummer?
A man goes to a drive through bank. And when he got there he sent a note to the banker (via air tube thing) saying that he was robbing the bank. Then the banker sends $50,000 back to the Bank robber. Then the man drove away. The next day the banker was Fired.
Who's dummer?
why did the woman cross the road? thats not the point why is she out of the kitchen
whats the difference between pms and a terrorist? you can negotiate with a terrorist
why dont woman have drivers licenses? theres no road between the kitchen and bedroom
why dont woman where watches? theres a perfectly good clock on the stove
whats the difference between pms and a terrorist? you can negotiate with a terrorist
why dont woman have drivers licenses? theres no road between the kitchen and bedroom
why dont woman where watches? theres a perfectly good clock on the stove
I love the one with Holmes and Watson. Funny!
This is the cleanest joke I can think of off hand. God dammit, I have some killers, too.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I went to Ireland? I basically spent the whole time in different pubs because well... I could drink there. So I was at this on bar and this guy comes over with a thick accent and says, "Aye could I sit down with you boys?"
We of course said yes and he almost instantly started talking to us. He was a really interesting guy, full of stories, they were good stories, too. Eventually though he says, "You know why I always pick this table? I built this table with me own hands. Yeah, I did but do they call me Carl the table-builder? No. Do they call me Carl the carpenter? Carl the furniture maker? No. They don't call me that."
I bought us another couple rounds and we kept drinking, I was getting kind fo drunk while he kept talking, and eventually he said, "You guys like this bar? It's a dive but it's a nice looking dive. Yeah, you know what? I built this bar with me bear hands, I did. But do they call me... Carl the bar builder? Eh? Carl the building maker? Carl the carpenter? No!"
We sort of shook it off, but he kept going. "You know that road you boys drove in on? I built that road with me bear hands. I walked 16 miles every day to get the gravel for it from a quarry, back and forth with no help. Yeah! But do they call me Carl the road builder? No! But you **** one sheep!"
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I went to Ireland? I basically spent the whole time in different pubs because well... I could drink there. So I was at this on bar and this guy comes over with a thick accent and says, "Aye could I sit down with you boys?"
We of course said yes and he almost instantly started talking to us. He was a really interesting guy, full of stories, they were good stories, too. Eventually though he says, "You know why I always pick this table? I built this table with me own hands. Yeah, I did but do they call me Carl the table-builder? No. Do they call me Carl the carpenter? Carl the furniture maker? No. They don't call me that."
I bought us another couple rounds and we kept drinking, I was getting kind fo drunk while he kept talking, and eventually he said, "You guys like this bar? It's a dive but it's a nice looking dive. Yeah, you know what? I built this bar with me bear hands, I did. But do they call me... Carl the bar builder? Eh? Carl the building maker? Carl the carpenter? No!"
We sort of shook it off, but he kept going. "You know that road you boys drove in on? I built that road with me bear hands. I walked 16 miles every day to get the gravel for it from a quarry, back and forth with no help. Yeah! But do they call me Carl the road builder? No! But you **** one sheep!"
Haahaha ... lucky you to get into the pubs of Ireland. Do you know I was there so long ago (1970s) that they wouldn't let women in the pubs? Not any women ... not American women, not lady tourists, not Irish women, weren't even any barmaids. Shhheeeshsh. We had to get drunk in our rooms.
So that was a funny one you cleaned up Doom. Can't you tell some more in code? Guess you can tell I'm bored. My Morrowind mod I was making crashed the game (a static was too big) so I've gotta start again. For some reason I don't have Pisces to bother me constantly anymore ... thought that would be relaxing if it ever happened, but now it kinda feels like something you forgot nagging at your memory or like a burr that gets nestled between your shoulderblades and you just can't reach it.
Wonder if somethings wrong. Maybe I should email instead of pm. Bet he's bit the big one = he's in love. Of course it would happen during snowboarding season knowing Pisces.
So that was a funny one you cleaned up Doom. Can't you tell some more in code? Guess you can tell I'm bored. My Morrowind mod I was making crashed the game (a static was too big) so I've gotta start again. For some reason I don't have Pisces to bother me constantly anymore ... thought that would be relaxing if it ever happened, but now it kinda feels like something you forgot nagging at your memory or like a burr that gets nestled between your shoulderblades and you just can't reach it.
Wonder if somethings wrong. Maybe I should email instead of pm. Bet he's bit the big one = he's in love. Of course it would happen during snowboarding season knowing Pisces.
QUOTE(The Wolf @ Jul 27 2006, 02:04 PM)
Here's another one:
Up in heaven, a bunch of scientists are playing tag,
and it's Albert Einstein's turn to be "it". Once he gets done counting,
he turns around and sees Isaac Newton just standing there,
in the middle of a box he's drawn on the ground. So Einstein walks over and tags him,
but Newton doesn't do anything. Einstein says, "Newton, what are you doing? I caught you."
And Newton replies, "No you didn't. I'm Newton over a square meter. You caught Pascal."
haha, N/m**2, awesome ! Do you have some Tesla jokes, too ???Anyway, here's an old S/M joke:
masochist: Hit me ! Hit me ! For the love of God, HIT ME !!!
sadist: hell no
edit: it just hit me, how refreshingly ridiculously hillarious the very notion of tag between Einstein & other science quacks up in the Heaven is to me, the very point of joke aside
[ROFL, I need a godamn ROFL smiley here, people!]
Could anyone kindly explain that Pascal joke to us 7th grade science class dropouts?? 
Actually, I did pass high school biology and chemistry but never had to take physics. Totally cheated my way through the chemistry lab .... just made the smartest girl in class my lab partner in exchange for sitting at my lunch table where the cute guys hung out. (Isn't shcool idiotic?)
I was so bad at lab alone that I think I set rubber on fire ... it wasn't even supposed to look like rubber, it was supposed to congeal into a clear gel but mine turned to rubber and then caught on fire! Would have been a fine joke if I knew the actually chemicals to tell about it.
Actually, I did pass high school biology and chemistry but never had to take physics. Totally cheated my way through the chemistry lab .... just made the smartest girl in class my lab partner in exchange for sitting at my lunch table where the cute guys hung out. (Isn't shcool idiotic?)
I was so bad at lab alone that I think I set rubber on fire ... it wasn't even supposed to look like rubber, it was supposed to congeal into a clear gel but mine turned to rubber and then caught on fire! Would have been a fine joke if I knew the actually chemicals to tell about it.
QUOTE(Ibis @ Aug 13 2006, 02:04 AM)
Could anyone kindly explain that Pascal joke to us 7th grade science class dropouts??
Actually, I did pass high school biology and chemistry but never had to take physics. Totally cheated my way through the chemistry lab .... just made the smartest girl in class my lab partner in exchange for sitting at my lunch table where the cute guys hung out. (Isn't shcool idiotic?)
I was so bad at lab alone that I think I set rubber on fire ... it wasn't even supposed to look like rubber, it was supposed to congeal into a clear gel but mine turned to rubber and then caught on fire! Would have been a fine joke if I knew the actually chemicals to tell about it.
Rubber, oh my... you were even worse than me ! I didn't even know what the heck to do during chemistry and physics lab classes I was decent in theory, though, but that was so long ago... I forgot most of that stuff anyway.And now, to explain - here's the Pascal Unit - notice that it's One Newton/One Square Meter (yes, meter, sorry if that rocks your yards
); and here's also The Man Himself... so, in essence, Newton draws a square on the ground, with dimensions of 1m x 1m (= 1m**2) and then stands over it... get it ? Pascal ???
Okay ... funny. Thanks. Reminds me of my family (a buncha scientists and engineers) who tell word problems at the dinner table instead of jokes. ...... I am known as the artist born into a scientific family, talk about a black sheep. sheeeesh
Ahhhh .... but I have a funny and arty joke. Does anyone know how to bathe a khajiit???
Ahhhh .... but I have a funny and arty joke. Does anyone know how to bathe a khajiit???
Telekinetically throw him into the nearest lake? (My favourite choice.)
Drench him with Skooma?
Throw a lump of Moonsugar into the lake?
Drench him with Skooma?
Throw a lump of Moonsugar into the lake?
-What do you call a Plothole in a TES Game?
A dragon Break
-What other job does an Ordinator have?
Dishwashing, so it can watch the scum
- How many Ordinators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, the other four to watch the scum.
A dragon Break
-What other job does an Ordinator have?
Dishwashing, so it can watch the scum
- How many Ordinators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, the other four to watch the scum.
tehehe ... how many workmen does it take to get the lightbulb to the 5 Ordinators .... as they are told throughout the streets carrying the lightbulb to "Move along now. Just keep moving ...."
QUOTE(Ibis @ Aug 13 2006, 04:04 AM)
Could anyone kindly explain that Pascal joke to us 7th grade science class dropouts??
Actually, I did pass high school biology and chemistry but never had to take physics. Totally cheated my way through the chemistry lab .... just made the smartest girl in class my lab partner in exchange for sitting at my lunch table where the cute guys hung out. (Isn't shcool idiotic?)
I was so bad at lab alone that I think I set rubber on fire ... it wasn't even supposed to look like rubber, it was supposed to congeal into a clear gel but mine turned to rubber and then caught on fire! Would have been a fine joke if I knew the actually chemicals to tell about it.
hehe, you sound a lot like me...at lunch all the cute boys and such was always hanging around me and my friendstables...we were never alone at school...sake for in the bathrooms.
but what advantage did Adam have when he told a joke??? No one had ever heard it before.
Lol I knowthat was a total dry one.
Ahaha ... Tellie. And what was Eve's advantage?? No one heard her not laff?? Stupid response, eh?
Yeh, I know what you mean about the lunchtable stuff. High school for some reason is so cliqueish and always was and I think always will be. I guess it's just that age group's way. In HS I was only like 3rd circle out in the Girl's popular crowd, just inside the Wannabe orbit - but because I was cute and was in the inner Boy's popular crowd .... I was sort of used as a magnet by the popular girls. Didn't know it at the time. (It's taken me years and years of therapy to figure that one out) ... {{Just kidding.}}
So yeah, the ladies room. Wondering if you guys (er girls) smoked in there? I didn't but at our Catholic hs the senior boys were allowed to smoke cigarettes in the courtyard but no girl was allowed to smoke anywhere in our school. So you could always smell the smoke in one hiddenish ladies room where junior and senior girls congregated. lolol
Yeh, I know what you mean about the lunchtable stuff. High school for some reason is so cliqueish and always was and I think always will be. I guess it's just that age group's way. In HS I was only like 3rd circle out in the Girl's popular crowd, just inside the Wannabe orbit - but because I was cute and was in the inner Boy's popular crowd .... I was sort of used as a magnet by the popular girls. Didn't know it at the time. (It's taken me years and years of therapy to figure that one out) ... {{Just kidding.}}
So yeah, the ladies room. Wondering if you guys (er girls) smoked in there? I didn't but at our Catholic hs the senior boys were allowed to smoke cigarettes in the courtyard but no girl was allowed to smoke anywhere in our school. So you could always smell the smoke in one hiddenish ladies room where junior and senior girls congregated. lolol
I remembered another one of my clean jokes! I'm not sure if this was mentioned already, it's pretty well known, but here goes anyway.
A famous Pirate by the name of Jolly Jim Jibbons was on the run across the Atlantic from the entire English navy, being hunted ruthlessly for his crimes. But he wasn't just cunning, Jolly Jim Jibbons knew how to inspire loyalty. One day ten English naval ships were spotted on the horizon. As the guns were mounted and the men readied themselves for a battle they'd never forget, Jolly Jim Jibbons screamed at the top of his lungs, "Fetch me me red shirt!" It was the shirt he always wore into battle.
The battle was harsh but in the end Jolly Jim pulled through and managed to sink five ships and send the other five running. Three months later, on the horizon one hundred ships were spotted. As soon as they were spotted, to the top of nhis lung Jolly Jim shouted, "Fetch me me red shirt!" and so it was fetched, and a battle took place again.
After the battle one of the younger pirates asked an elderly, very respected pirate, "Why does the Captain always don a red shirt for battle?"
The elderly pirate smiled and responded, "Arrrr! The Cap'n wears it so when he gets wounded his mean won't see 'im bleed and get discouraged."
Two months later as the ship was approaching the Carribean, five hundred ships were spotted on the horizon that morning. Captain Jolly Jim shouted at the top of his lungs, "Fetch me my brown pants!"
A famous Pirate by the name of Jolly Jim Jibbons was on the run across the Atlantic from the entire English navy, being hunted ruthlessly for his crimes. But he wasn't just cunning, Jolly Jim Jibbons knew how to inspire loyalty. One day ten English naval ships were spotted on the horizon. As the guns were mounted and the men readied themselves for a battle they'd never forget, Jolly Jim Jibbons screamed at the top of his lungs, "Fetch me me red shirt!" It was the shirt he always wore into battle.
The battle was harsh but in the end Jolly Jim pulled through and managed to sink five ships and send the other five running. Three months later, on the horizon one hundred ships were spotted. As soon as they were spotted, to the top of nhis lung Jolly Jim shouted, "Fetch me me red shirt!" and so it was fetched, and a battle took place again.
After the battle one of the younger pirates asked an elderly, very respected pirate, "Why does the Captain always don a red shirt for battle?"
The elderly pirate smiled and responded, "Arrrr! The Cap'n wears it so when he gets wounded his mean won't see 'im bleed and get discouraged."
Two months later as the ship was approaching the Carribean, five hundred ships were spotted on the horizon that morning. Captain Jolly Jim shouted at the top of his lungs, "Fetch me my brown pants!"
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