Okay this is my first fan-fic ever, and it’s pretty bad. It’s the first paragraph of a short story im working on. Tell me what you think and where I can improve.



The Stories of Raecon

Prologue

“As I arrived in Gnisis with nothing but a smile on my face and the clothes on my back, I finally made it”. “Ever since I was a kid I dreamed about joining the Imperial Legion”. My name is Reacon; I am a Redguard with a dream”. It was my 17th birthday as I thanked the caravaner and paid him 38 Septims”. “I asked him where I could find General Darius; he said “try the Maddach Trade house”. “I went inside and went downstairs into his quarters and an orc halted me and asked what business I had here”. “I want to join the Imperial Legion” I said proudly. “You look a little small to join” he said; “but it’s not my opinion that matters”. “General Darius is over there”. “When I looked around the corner I saw a Legionnaire cowering under him”. “Please give me one more chance” the Legionnaire begged”. “If your not gonna get the job done, you don’t belong here”. “Get out of my sight you good for nothing fetcher”, he said fiercely. “Oh what is it now”. “I want to join the Imperial Legion sir”. “Well, you look like a capable one, why the hell not”. “Here’s an Imperial Chain Cuirass, I can’t give you a weapon though”. “Go buy yourself an Imperial Broadsword form the merchant across from here”. “Sir, yes sir” I said, kinda felling gay saying it.” “After I bought my sword I reported back”. “O.K. soldier time for your first mission”.

And this is where the prologue ends.

Ok, so we've got a Redguard who joins the Imperial Legion. No problems with the idea itself, so now we've got to look at how you wrote it.

I'm not a professional writer, but my suggestion would be to use paragraphing and split up the prologue in smaller chunks to make it more readable. And I don't know what to think of all the marks you put into it. I can't see the difference between people talking and the rest of the story.

Once you fixed those two problems, I'm sure it will be a lot better and more enjoyable. Good luck.

ok I am bad at explaining this much stuff....I am guessing the formatting didn't go over well from the previous format, at the end of this post I will put an example of how I would change this, just to start off.



wow I didn't know you were a pro writer, ......and I definitely agree that the first two things are paragraphing and formating of symbols
quotes go outside the period in most, if not all, counties that speak english, if english is not your first language, you should look for a regular editor.
There are supposed to be two spaces after each period (or quotation mark after a period) to make the space between sentences more aparent, thus creating a change of thought, which is what a sentence is...a thought.

unless you are telling your story to a croud then you shouldn't use so many quotation marks, and if you are talking to a croud then you should only have quotes at the beggining and ending of each spoken segment, or paragraph. (special rule: if the same person talks from the end of one paragraph and starts another you do not have to end the first paragraph with a quote mark (but it makes it easier to read))

I am not good with semi-colons, but you have too many, of that I am sure.

Here I go with my suggested change to start...sorry it is kinda rough, but it seems like you need a lot of help with this one...



As I arrived in Gnisis with nothing but a smile on my face and the clothes on my back [insert predicate], I finally made it. Ever since I was a kid I dreamed about joining the Imperial Legion.

(choose a time frame to write in, you have both present and past tenses here, and it makes it harder to read.)

My name is Reacon and I am (present tense) a Redguard with a dream. It was (past tense) my 17th birthday as I thanked the caravaner and paid him 38 Septims. I asked him where I could find General Darius, he said “try the Maddach Trade House (this is a specific house and so needs to be capitalized to denote that it is a specific noun)."

(inside the tradehouse? when did you get there? write out the act of getting there, b/c you could be in some other building as a distraction by now...)
(insert writing, perhaps delete the paragraphing here, depending on what is written)

I went inside and went downstairs into his (whose?) quarters and an orc halted me and asked what business I had here. "I want to join the Imperial Legion" I said proudly.

(every time you change who is speaking you must change paragraphs, I assume you knew that and had just hit 'enter' and 'tab', then copy and pasted and los the formating, which is not user friendly on this forum site. Instead hit double enter.)

“You look a little small to join” he said, "but it’s not my opinion that matters. General Darius is over there." When I looked around the corner I saw a Legionnaire cowering under him.

“Please give me one more chance” the Legionnaire begged.

"If your not gonna get the job done, you don’t belong here. Get out of my sight you good for nothing fetcher," he said fiercely. "Oh what is it now?(!)"( I think that there was an intended !, but I can't be too sure)

"I want to join the Imperial Legion sir."

"Well, you look like a capable one, why the hell not? Here’s an Imperial Chain Cuirass, I can’t give you a weapon though. Go buy yourself an Imperial Broadsword form the merchant across from here."

"Sir, yes sir" I said, kinda felling gay saying it. After I bought my sword I reported back. “OK soldier, time for your first mission."

*end editing*
wow that took longer than I thought it would, about half an hour....well in any case you are welcome, I am looking forward to reading more of this story.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

It isn't bad, in fact, for a first shot at fanfiction its pretty darn good, at least plotwise. You've set yourself up for a nice adventure story, just watch out for what Jack said and you should be fine.

JC knows what hes talkin' bout.

ah yes, I would like to second the statement that your plot is good for a first story, I remember how my first one was....I had to re-edit about three times before I got it good enough that I would post it. Don't take all that stuff from my last post as anything but help, that is all I meant by it.

[about the first paragraph] very good story but on the first paragarph near the end you kinda lost it..........

Good thing you finaly posted a story. It seems that all that advice you've received has payed off. Good luck with continuing your story. I'll be waiting for it. And as the other people said, watch it with the quotation marks (these " buggers) because they make the story confusing.

thank you for the advice jc i really trust your opinion, and i know im horrible at english thats something i need to work on and i kind of was not writing to my best capability at the end of the story so thank you and expect probably two or three more paragraphs in a day or so and just to tell you this whole story is going to be about the imperial legion

P.S if the guy who wrote the tailus storys reads this your battle scence with xander and tailus kicked a$$

no prob, but edit the original so that all new comers will see the improved form of the story. I am looking forward to learning how you see the imp legion, lol. btw if you really liked the battle scene in Tailus, I would post up something there myself, I still need to catch up with that story though, so far I have worked on mine, read all that is written in minques, yours, and as much as I care to of Jack Cloudy's, he is a good writer, but there is something about his style that makes it like calimarey(sp? (fish eggs)) for me, it is to be taken in smaller doses. I wov you jack... roflmao
anyway, looking forward to edit and update.

Okay this is the edit of the original prologue


The Stories of Raecon

Prologue

As I arrived in Gnisis with nothing but a smile on my face and the clothes on my back, I finally made it. Ever since I was a kid I dreamed about joining the Imperial Legion”. My name is Reacon; I am a Redguard with a dream. It was my 17th birthday as I thanked the caravaner and paid him 38 Septims. I asked him where I could find General Darius; he said

Try the Maddach Trade house.

I walked to the Maddach Tradehouse. I went inside and went downstairs into his quarters and an orc halted me and asked what business I had here. “I want to join the Imperial Legion” I said proudly.

You look a little small to join he said; “but it’s not my opinion that matters”. “General Darius is over there”.

When I looked around the corner I saw a Legionnaire cowering under him”.

Please give me one more chance the Legionnaire begged.

If your not gonna get the job done, you don’t belong here. “Get out of my sight you good for nothing fetcher”, he said fiercely. “Oh what is it now”.

I want to join the Imperial Legion sir.

Well, you look like a capable one, why the hell not. Here’s an Imperial Chain Cuirass, I can’t give you a weapon though. Go buy yourself an Imperial Broadsword form the merchant across from here.

Sir, yes sir I said, kinda felling gay saying it. After I bought my sword I reported back. O.K. soldier time for your first mission.

And this is where the prologue ends.

(not in story)
well there we go, i finished it

Good. That's definatly better. Keep to it and you'll go places.

Yes, better already. Just keep working on it and you'll be one hell of a good writer in no time.

jchamber, interesting comparison. So my story looks like fish eggs? I like fish, never tried the eggs though.

First of all I am glad you enjoyed the first part of my story. I think we all like to hear that our hard work is well received and well liked. This is quickly becomming a very fun and entertaining passtime for me and I am glad I started writing here. I see that you are developing very quickly yourself. I am going to be following this story to see what comes of it. It seems that this story has a very nice backbone and I am interested in seeing you grow as a writer. Keep it up and take everyone's advice here. They all mean well and they are very skilled in the ways of fanfics

I don't know if I am skilled in the way of the fanfic, but thanks anyway for the vote of confidence, taillus.

jack, for reference, fish eggs cost like an insane amount...like 50 an ounce I think. So it is a complement (there are some people who do and don't like fish eggs, of course)

1234king, huge leaps and bounds better than the original, I am liking what is going on too. for the negative, you are still putting double quotes in places, and have the quotes in the puctuation, instead of the other way around, and you missed a quote mark in the first paragraph, btw I just glanced really fast that time, like 20 seconds...but it so sooooooooooo much better, Gj, mate.